Thursday, 30 April 2009

Shoulders Of Love
















My dear friend Sweetmango wrote a poem for me and three other of her friends. In her dedication she wrote this is ‘for b, r, v and for s with so much love, so much love, never let go of hope or love, you just never know what lies around the corner, life is full of beautiful surprises. I love you.

Between the Lines Lies Hope and Love

Amidst the chaos and confusion
a beacon flashed
amidst the upheaval and pain
hope flickered, wavering
yet somehow constant
hope had a name
a name that lay like honey on your lips
a name that lay like a rope
thrown to the fodder of davey jones
‘this is the last time
I cant keep doing this’
that is the thought that dragged itself
across your brow,
that lay heavy on your shoulders
yet there was this
part
a
piece
of you that knew this time
was different
but fear stalked its prey
and you lay grey and silent
a heavy pall draped over you
and hope sat opposite you
talked to you
listened to you
and
waited
quietly
for you
to
reach out.
for that is the thing with hope
it can only sit in front of you
you have to reach
for it with both hands
hold tightly and never let go.
pull it close to you
caress it with your eyes
until you know its shape
its form
serenade it with your ears
until you understand its song
its lilting melody
that lifts you whenever you are near
lean close to hope
put your lips against hers
and breath deeply of her
calm and still being.
breath her
until you
no longer exist
the way you were
then release your breath and
watch the past, the worry, the tears
drift out of your mouth
like dust motes
on a sunbeam in the late afternoon
of winter
watch them
look at them
see them for what they are
small bits of nothing
that accumulated into large
pieces of fear
that stained your soul
leaving the present
a thing of the past.
kiss hope on the lips
fully, tenderly and passionately
kiss her
kiss her
kiss her
tell her your fears
and let her touch your face
and whisper in your ear
things you cant begin to understand
but have always known.
lay down beside hope
and let her hold you
and for the first time in a long time
close your eyes and rest
…your heart
…your mind
…your inner voice
shhhhhh
drift away to the other side
and dance with her
close your eyes and dance
and be free
look up at the sky
and sing your truth
kiss the earth
and praise your journey
hold your arms out and spin
in circles
and when you stop,
ahhh…when you stop
you will see
that hope
was
love
that love sat in your heart
that love was the brightness amidst the grey
that love held your hand
and kissed your brow
and walked beside you
and whispered to your soul
that love was all you ever needed
because love really
was everything.
kiss hope on the lips
for hope is really a cloak draped
over the shoulders of love
and love turns her back on
no-one.
kiss her
and
be free.

~~ written by Sweetmango ~~

I personally believe that this is one of the most beautiful mixing of words I have ever read to help me understand hope and love.

‘for that is the thing with hope it can only sit in front of you you have to reach for it with both hands’ ‘hold your arms out and spin in circles and when you stop, ahhh…when you stop you will see that hope was love’ ‘because love really was everything. kiss hope on the lips for hope is really a cloak draped over the shoulders of love and love turns her back on no-one.’

Sweetmango I love you and you are brilliant.

http://sweetmango-sweetmango.blogspot.com/

Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Regarding Nathan No. 2


















My only son and youngest child is 26 today. Where has the time gone?

Nathan is in his last year of his teaching practicum and is teaching Grade 7. He really cares about his students and will make a fantastic teacher. As a matter of fact today is the last day of his practicum and even though it is his birthday, he is having a party for the students.

Do you want to meet Nathan? I’m sure you do.

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2008/04/regarding-nathan.html

He is my only son, my third child, my closing act of motherhood. Nathan thank you for the privilege.

Happy Birthday Nathan. Love Mom, Dad, Angelique, Nadalene, and Josephine.

*artwork by Kelly Vivanco

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

April Showers


















April, like September always feels like a fresh start for me. April, like September are the months that I feel things are winding down and starting up.

Flashbacks From The Month Of April

April 3, 2006

*Started art therapy and I think I will really like it. There is another lady in the group who has Inflammatory Breast Cancer. It is so rare that I have never met anyone else with it. Her name is Pat and she is so sweet. She told me that she has survived it for five years and that there was no reason that I couldn’t too.

April 5, 2006

*Stress reduction class.

April 6, 2006

*Started yoga class and there are about 30 people in the room. I really like it.

April 10, 2006

*Had another blood transfusion at St. Boniface Hospital.

April 26, 2006

*They had a hard time getting blood so the nurse had to shorten the blue tubing on my PICC line.

*Dr. Grenier determined that the chemo treatment was not working as well as it should be so is increasing the strength of the Taxotere. The cancer is going up from my breast higher up the chest and more under the arm pit. I am praying to God this will work better.

April 28, 2006

*It is Nathan’s birthday tomorrow so I hope I feel well enough.

Flash Forward

It is Nathan’s birthday tomorrow and thank you God, I do feel well enough.

Monday, 27 April 2009

Dreams Sponsored By The Letter S














Sad: To dream that you are sad suggests that you need to learn from your disappointments and make yourself happy. The dream may be a reflection of how you are feeling in your waking life so try not to dwell on the negative.



















Saint: Indicates that a special message is being given to you from the spiritual realm. It symbolizes your willingness to help others.















Sanctuary: Signifies your need to escape from the demands of your daily life. You are searching for some peace and a real need to decompress and restore your faith.



















Sea Horse: Signifies the power of your unconscious. It also indicates a new perspective or different outlook on life that you may need to channel into. If the sea horse is invisible than there is an emotional issue that you are not acknowledging or recognizing.







Seasons: Represents a passage of time and the phases and periods in your life. If the seasons are changing rapidly through the dream then it suggests that you are undergoing an important transformation and deep spiritual development in your life.



















Serpent: Signifies high intellectual power, deception, and the balance of good and evil.















Skateboard: Indicates that you have the gift of making any difficult situation look easy. You carry yourself with style and great composure in the hardest of situations.



















Spirits: To see or talk to spirits in your dream signifies fear of death. The spirits may be trying to guide you through some issues. Pay particular attention to the spirits as they provide an answer to a waking problem.
















Sun: Symbolizes peace of mind, enlightenment, tranquility, fortune, goodwill, and insight. It also represents radiant energy and divine power. It is a good omen to have the sun shining in your dream.

















Sunflower: Symbolizes warmth, abundance, longevity, and prosperity. The sunflower will point you in the right direction and is a source of spiritual guidance. Even through difficult times you will persevere. *artwork by a dear friend Kathy Hare

Friday, 24 April 2009

Regarding Colette


















My sister Colette was born when I was 13 months old. Colette had two older brothers and six older sisters; she was the 7th girl born and the 9th child in a family that would be comprised of 13 children.

Many of my early memories of Colette are helped along by photographs. There are some of her sitting in a high chair with her blue/black hair; a couple of her and I in pajamas sitting on stuffed dogs or lions (I don’t remember which); teenagers going off to school; and pictures of us both in wedding dresses on the very same day.

Colette is so full of life and spunk it is unreal. You could never keep this girl down. If you tried she would eat your arm off and not by gnawing slowly over a period of days but by biting off big chunks over a period of a few hours.

When we would be in bed; and by we, I mean Mickey, Shelly and I in one bed and Jacquie, Camille, and Colette in the other bed, it was quite common for Colette to get out of bed and then prance back in the room making us all laugh. We would all try not to laugh because to release that first laugh was ammunition for Colette to come in the room and do the exact same skit for the next 40 minutes.

Colette has never been able to say a joke all the way through without laughing her head off at herself. ‘So yeah, you guys har har har ha ha ha har, yeah, this guy was selling orange juice and, har har hardee har har, etc.’ So if you can; imagine the laughter that would ensue. The laughter was never at the joke because we never got to hear it all. The laughter was at Colette who cracked her own self up.

When I graduated Grade 12, I got a 1965 Rambler Ambassador convertible from my parents. The car was beautiful and was white with red leather seats (okay it is not about the car), back to Colette. I knew something big was going down because all of my brothers and sisters were so excited and cameras were out and my parents were anxiously waiting for me in the yard. I saw the car with the ribbon and was like wow, I love it. But what really sticks out in my mind still is not the car, it was Colette’s face.

I can picture Colette’s face as clear as a bell. She was more excited than I was. She was happier for me than I was for myself. She was prouder of me than I ever could be of myself. And that picture that is clear as a bell to me even today has always spoken volumes of Colette and her good nature and love of others, especially of me.

Colette and I had a double wedding. She married her husband Rick and I married my husband Wahid. She loved our wedding and I didn’t like it at all. She always makes me laugh about it though because she will not let an anniversary go by without saying to me ‘I loved our wedding’ and I then say to her ‘I didn’t.’

Colette gave birth to her first child Rickie three days after I had my first child Angelique. I had a natural birth (with all the doses of all meds that they would give me) and Colette had a caesarian (now I can barely get through the story because I am laughing so much).

Colette and I were in the same room in the maternity ward and I remember while poor Colette is hanging on to an IV pole, I’m saying ‘let’s go see the babies’ and Colette can barely budge. She keeps trying and I keep going ‘oh brother, come on Colette, it can’t be that hard,’ and she can barely move. I know it isn’t funny, but for some reason it totally cracks me up. I see myself as an arrogant little shit-head who knew nothing but thought I knew it all. Thinking ‘I just had a baby too Colette and if I can jump through hoops so can you.’

As you can see, not only some of my happiest memories have involved Colette, but so have some of the most important.

Colette is still one of the people that can make me laugh when I’m not supposed to. You know when you are in church or at a funeral or saying the family rosary or if someone falls down the stairs and everyone oohs and awes, well all I do is look at Colette knowing full well that she is stifling a laugh and then we both bust a gut.

Another example of Colette’s humour is when I was really sad about my cancer situation, I would say to Colette that I am Debbie Downer and then an hour later she would call back and ask for Debbie and say it is her twin sister Dixie on the phone.

Contrary to what others might say I am Colette’s favourite sister.

Describing Colette I would have to say that she is a very attractive woman and still has long jet black hair with maybe one or four strands of grey in it. Colette has beautiful blue eyes and still is and has always been gorgeous. Colette is funny, loyal, honest, selfless, generous, open, energetic, game for anything, has a huge heart and faces the world head on. I am and always have been very proud that Colette is my sister.

Sisters written by Ruth Whitman:

When Nan and I were little
we sometimes used to fight:
she’d read my secret diary
and I would scratch and bite.

If she pulled up the window shade
I would want it down;
if she wore short pajamas
I’d wear a long nightgown.

But then we learned it’s better
to have a sister-friend,
someone beside you in the dark,
someone to hold your hand.

Now we’re glad my hair is long
and hers is short and curled.
The difference doesn’t matter:
we’re two against the world.


I love my sister and she means the world to me. Colette thank you for the privilege.

Happy 52nd Birthday Colette. Love Renee, Wahid, Angelique, Nadalene, Nathan, and Josephine.

*artwork by Kelly Vivanco

Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Bone First Please


















I’ve started to lie and that is something I never do. But I’m coming clean so that I won’t have to lie again.

Even though I know when I get my results, I tell my family that I am not sure when I will get them. But I have come clean and told them that I will not tell anyone when I get the results because I feel too much pressure.

Imagine having everyone in your family’s hopes resting on your shoulders. They are all so hopeful and anxious that the test results be okay that I feel more anxious about hearing the results. It is like I am not only waiting for the axe to fall on me, but to fall on my family too. And with the nature of Stage 4 Inflammatory Breast Cancer, the axe will fall at some point.

The other morning Jacquie was driving me to the hospital and she kept asking me ‘So, what do you have today? Is it blood work and x-rays?’ I answer yes twice and then she asks me again. “For fuck sake Jacquie, you know fucking well I am getting the results, why are you asking me. I didn’t want to say because now I feel more pressure that you are going to be sitting for an hour worrying and now I have your fucking pressure too. Christ.” I am crying and Jacquie starts crying. I feel better that I have passed on some of my angst to her.

The tears have given me some relief. Notice how I deflect my pain.

I am such a beast I have just been yelling at an angel. And in angel fashion, Jacquie apologizes to me.

My appointment is for 9 a.m. and I get brought in to the room. I change and put on a gown and then have to leave the room walking down the hallway with a bare back and my tail hanging down because I was placed in the wrong room. No big deal.

If you can believe it, I am feeling much more relaxed than I was the last time I came. Back then I almost had a panic attack.

In the new room I sit with my eyes closed thinking that if I keep them closed when the doctor talks to me I won’t have to see the axe swing down. It is sheer torture having to see all this come at you. Some of you might remember my post ‘Some Fantasies Are Better Left As Fantasies’ http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2008/02/not-many-people-know-this-about-me-but.html where I talk about not having to see what is coming at me.

I often wonder how others cope with impending doom. What are other strategies people use while waiting for test results that may change their and their family’s lives again? Over the last few years I have learned to live a lot in the now, but when the now is the waiting room and the possible axe it is a difficult now to live in. It is hard to be present when the present situation is extremely stressful.

In the end, sitting in the waiting room waiting to be called and then being brought to the examining room waiting to be examined I continue my self-talk. ‘Fear is the mind killer. The results will be what they are. I am doing the best I can. Please God help me.’

I tell myself that it will be okay. The bottom line is that I know I want it to be okay, but I know that it just might not be okay. I know that the possibility that it is not going to be okay and that the disease may not be responding to Femara any longer is real. I know that the cancer will spread even if I am tough and brave and believe. I know that the cancer will find its way around the treatment I am on and will bring me closer to my death; and I wonder if this is the time that will happen.

I have had to deal with the knowledge that since the word cancer came out of my doctor’s mouth that nothing will ever be okay again. Since that word ‘cancer’ and in the hours and days and months since; I knew it would never be clearly okay again.

I tell the nurse I want the results from my blood tests and tumor markers and she gets me all the forms. My hemoglobin is dropping and that explains my fatigue. My platelets are going up and that is a good thing as it means my bone marrow is doing better. My tumor markers are going up and that is not a good thing.

Dr. Grenier comes in within five minutes of me sitting in the new room and I am surprised because I’m usually waiting there forever.

‘How are you feeling Renee? Oh I know you want your results right away from the scans. They are stable. That is good news.’

Yes, yes it is indeed.

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

Taurus


















The birthdates for Taurus are between April 21st and May 21st. My son Nathan’s birthday is on the 29th.

Colour = Blue and Green
Metal = Copper
Stone = Sapphire, Emerald, and Jade
Tree = Almond, Ash, and Myrtle
Plants = Violets and Wild Roses

Taurus is represented by the bull’s head and horns. Taureans are strong, tenacious, virile and powerful. Left alone they will happily go through their life; but if they are bothered they will charge. Like the bull that is their zodiac symbol they can be calm and peaceful but when their anger is aroused they see red and their temper can be wicked. Taurus is a fixed sign and Taureans have a fair measure of tradition and steadiness in their personality that keeps them rooted. Being a fixed sign also makes them resistant to change and they simply cannot be rushed into anything new. It can be difficult to sway a Taurus; they are often rather stubborn and fixed in their ways.

Ruled by the planet Venus, Taureans are romantics whose sensibility keeps their feet on the ground even while they dream among the stars. Taureans are charming and have a love of beauty. The world of the five senses is all-important to a Taurus. Because Taureans are the one sign in the zodiac that lives most through their senses they like to gather and own what awakens them. Their responses are to feel things out through the realm of the five senses. They have a practical approach to life, and security is one of the foremost considerations a Taurean will think of before undertaking anything new.

A Taurus is the one person that many will count on to come through in a clutch. They are driven by determination and power and tend to be successful because of the perseverance that motivates them. There is nothing a Taurus can’t do once they have set their mind to it. Taureans are patient, gentle and possess an enormous amount of common sense. Taureans have well-defined long-term goals and the determination to achieve them. A Taurus usually gets all that they pursue in life.

Taureans are especially loved by their Aries mother. No other sign in the zodiac can seem less flexible or unmoving but they are very loyal to those they care about. This Aries mother holds her Taurus son in high esteem and believes that he is capable of having the stamina and staying power that he needs to achieve all his goals.

Friday, 17 April 2009

Fantasy Friday BLD No. 11















































*artwork B by Kathleen Lolley and L by Linn Olofsdotters

Wednesday, 15 April 2009

Wednesday's Women No. 25


















Because I think 25 is kind of a special number I am going to make every 25th Wednesday's Women about me. I will be Wednesday's Women No. 25, No. 50, No. 75, etc.

I will always be in my mothering years, the years where I have invested most of my being.

When I had my first daughter Angelique, I made a commitment to myself that no matter what; I was going to root myself. I was going to be the tree of life that she would cling too.

I went on to have more children; another daughter Nadalene and a son Nathan and it rooted me even more. I vowed that the tree they clung too would stand the test of time. It would sway in the wind, but it would not break.

My husband Wahid helped me build the nest that would be the center of my being. And though sometimes the branches were bare we hardly noticed.

With the two big trees in front of the house and the swallows flying around to bless us all, we are happy.

Together we have made memories that have sprung like flowers that are circling my head.

*artwork by Stefano Vitale

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

April = 04














Do you like the rain? Yes I like the rain. I like rain in any form that it comes down. I like a drizzle. I like a downpour. I like a steady flow. My earliest memory of getting caught in a rainstorm was when I was about 13 and I was riding a bike home (whose I don’t know because I never had my own). I remember pedaling like mad down Elizabeth Road. I remember the first time I saw rain in Trinidad and I seriously thought it might be the end of the world because it came down in sheets and was not like when it rained at home. I remember Angelique and Nadalene walking down our street with water up to their waist when it had flooded in the 80s and on the other side of Hansford someone was in their canoe. I remember when I went to pick Nathan up at work and it was raining so hard I kept pulling over to the side of the road because I couldn’t see – I imagined that someone was going to hit me from behind.

Did you play an April Fools joke on anyone this year? Only on my blog, on my Wednesday’s Women post. My sister Shelly things I mellowed because I didn’t bring anyone to tears. Shelly always babysat Angelique and Nadalene when they were little before Nathan was born and I asked her one April 1st day why she had slapped the kids? She was ‘what, I never, etc.’ I was “well, why would they lie?” She was ‘what, etc. etc.’ and tears came and then I said “April Fools.”

Do you buy or get tons of candy for Easter? I use to buy lots of candy for the kids and now I just buy mini eggs. I buy a big package for Nathan and another package just to have in the house. Josephine was too small for chocolate this year. I don’t get any candy for Easter except the candy that I bring into the house and eat myself.

Do you love the month of April? I absolutely love the month of April because that is the month my son Nathan was born. Nathan is my only son and I love him to bits and pieces.

Monday, 13 April 2009

Dreams Sponsored By The Letter R


















Rabbits: Signifies luck, magical power, and success. This means you have a positive outlook on life and in return you will have warmth and abundance in your life.



















Radio: Symbolizes your awareness and intuition toward a particular situation. What you are hearing are messages from your unconscious. It is possible that it is a form of ESP or telepathic communication. If the radio is turned off in your dream it indicates that you have the ability to help or assist in a situation but are refusing to.
















Rain: If you get wet from the rain it is an indication of cleansing from your troubles. Rain symbolizes renewal. If you see the rain and hear it fall it symbolizes forgiveness and grace. It is often a metaphor for tears, crying, and sadness. If the rain is tapping on the roof it denotes spiritual ideas and blessings. You receive much joy from your home life.















Rainbow: Nothing but good fortune and success when a rainbow is present. The rainbow is a bridge between your earthly grounded self and your higher spiritual self.














Raven: The raven is often seen as a symbol of intelligence, but the presence of a raven in a dream can indicate the knowledge of things that most people would prefer not to know.



















Reading: Symbolizes a need to obtain more knowledge before making a decision. There is a need to review your thoughts, think things through, and consider other options.
















Renee: Symbolizes rebirth or to be reborn. You may have been given a second chance to regain what was previously thought to be lost. It also relates to entering a new stage in a persons life. In all cases you look toward the future without dwelling on the past. *artwork by Yangge



















Reflection: To see your reflection in a dream represents your true self. There is a need for you to look within. The reflection may highlight both your negative and positive attributes. This dream usually comes when you need to learn from your flaws and figure out how to improve on them while at the same time appreciating your good qualities. If the reflection in the mirror is a strange figure or something other than your own reflection then it suggests that you are undergoing some identity crisis. You are not sure about who you are anymore and may have lost sight of what is important to you.















River: To see a clear and calm river in your dream indicates that you are allowing your life to float away or that you are just going with the flow. It is time to take a more decisive role in directing your own life. If the river is raging than you feel completely out of control.















Rosary: A rosary in a dream symbolizes comfort, solace, or satisfaction. It is connected to the act of asking and giving.

Sunday, 12 April 2009

Friday, 10 April 2009

Father Into Thine Hands No. 2


















Good Friday is the most meaningful time of the church calendar for me. Last year I wrote about it and because the meaning has not changed I would like to share it with you again.

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2008/03/father-into-thine-hands-i-commend-my.html

Love Renee xoxoxo

*artwork by Chris Gollon

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Limbo Anyone?


















And I don’t mean the dance.

Limbo is any status where a person or project is held up; and nothing can be done until another action happens.

Enter my head for a moment if you will. “Will the tests show that the cancer has stayed the same or that the cancer has changed? I am surviving between having more time with my family or less time. I face two paths and don’t know which will be forced upon me. So I travel none. I stand entrenched in limbo.”

I visit limbo about every four months. My entry into limbo happened on March 30th when I received blood tests for tumor markers and will continue to the end of April. In between I will have more tests. On the 6th of April I had a cat scan and on the 7th I had a bone scan.

And the tick of the tock will tick tock, tick tock, tick tock until I get my results. Has the cancer remained stable (I pray that it does) or will the cancer be on the move this time (I pray that it won’t)? Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.

The limbo period is the waiting. Waiting for the inevitable and thinking the worst. It is the time that you need to live in the NOW. When your mind drifts away you contemplate your mortality and then you become crazy, numb, manic, crazy, numb, manic. Then you grasp for the NOW like a drowning man; get your cool back until you don’t.

On Monday I went for my cat scan and it went pretty well this time. They started with me bending over the sink with my arm in hot water; then my arm was wrapped; then they poked with the tiniest needles they could that would still allow the dye to go in. And voila, it was in within three shots (ouch, ouch, ouch).

I drink two glasses of water with iodine and feel like I may throw up, but I don’t.

I have to wait for an hour and in that time an elderly man and women start telling me about all the horrible things he has gone through. He is 75 and has colon cancer and it is the worst kind because they found it too late and it has spread. Then his wife and he tell me in tears that his time has been stolen because his and her parents both lived to 95 and now he won’t make it to 95. I sympathize and I must state here that I really did sympathize, they were sweet and heartbroken and it was hard to see such pain in another’s eyes.

They call me, I lie down and the nurse has to come and check the needle because as it is, they didn’t get a good hit at the vein but if one of them holds it, they think they will get the dye in. It is successful.

As I lie there I ask them to check out how many cat scans I have had in three years. They tell me that I have had 15. Each scan is equal to approximately 1,000 x-rays. 15 x 1,000 = 15,000 x-rays in three years.

I read somewhere that modern medical practice has changed cancer from an acute to a chronic catastrophe. (I love the word catastrophe.) And though I am so very thankful to be alive, I am not thankful for the constant gun to the family head. My family lives in a state of limbo where interactions, plans, and hopes are continually imbalanced.

On Tuesday, I go at 12:30 to get my bone scan and they always call an operating room nurse to come and put the nuclear radiation through my PICC. I get there, the nurse gets there and then they tell us the radiation is still at Health Sciences and they are couriering it over so could we come back at 1:15. It is 1:15 and I am back and get the radiation no problem. Leave and go home and go back to the hospital for the third time that day at 3:30 to get the bone scan done. I ask how many bone scans in the last three years and they tell me 10.

You just want to get on with a normal life, for Christ’ sake, if only you could. But over the next month I will feel like I am running in quicksand. I am indecisive over the smallest things. I have nagging visions of the cancer on the move. I bore people around me almost daily with my insecurities. I want to curl in a ball and rot in a corner of the couch.

My Raven sister Laurel stated on her blog “I think most of us make our lives out to be more complex than they really are. I know I do. We get overwhelmed by situations that present themselves to us without warning or invitation. What if we stood on the edge and saw intricate beauty in life’s challenges and shouted Thank you Universe!! Message received.’ Then we could tend the rice fields in baby steps, one paddy at a time.” I love that.

Limbo is where you realize that your world is on hold. Not the world, just your world. It is the month of wondering whether the cancer is on the move that puts me in a daze.

Wahid asked me last night ‘Dearest, how does it feel to have big children but now you are sick?’ Tears start to drip and I say ‘It is harder than I can speak about.’

Limbo is the time that every ache and random pain is cancer. It is a constant battle to remind myself that I feel like this every four months with the tests and that before it wasn’t cancer it was just aches and pains. Unfortunately ever since being diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer every pain comes with an instant thought: cancer.

I am adrift; living without purpose or direction. I am quite literally living in limbo and I don’t fucking like it one bit.

Tuesday, 7 April 2009

The Journey


















One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice –
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do –
determined to save
the only life you could save.

~~ written by Mary Oliver ~~

Monday, 6 April 2009

Dreams Sponsored By The Letter Q














Quadrille: Dancing a quadrille foretells of happiness and an upcoming wedding.



















Quagmire: Signifies an inability to meet obligations and that you feel stuck in a daily non-exciting routine.














Quail: If the quail is alive it symbolizes good fortune. If the quail is dead it symbolizes bad luck. If you are the one that shoots the quail then it foretells that you will soon be arguing with a good friend.

















Quarantine: Signifies a need to distance yourself from others or from a situation you may find yourself in. You need to alter your actions before you or someone else you care about gets hurt.














Quarry: Indicates that you have dug yourself into an emotional hole. This is also symbolic of feeling a deep void in the relationships in your life.



















Quartet: You are seeking out support and partnerships that are more harmonious.



















Queen: To dream of a queen is also symbolic of your mother. The queen symbolizes intuition, personal growth, power, and influence.















Quest: Indicates that the path toward achieving your goals may be a difficult and scary one, however, it is necessary for growth and progress. You will reach the other end.



















Quilts: Signifies harmony, protection, warmth, and pleasant and comfortable circumstances. It is important to try to remember the colour and pattern of the quilt for additional significance.














Quintuplets: Represents the five senses of sight, smell, taste, hearing, and touch. It can also represent the essential and fundamental human being.

Friday, 3 April 2009

Fantasy Friday BLD No. 10



















































*artwork B by Nicoletta Ceccoli and L by Lisa Falzon