Circling My Head

Grateful No. 5

2011-03-09T07:12:00.000-06:00

Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.

And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.

And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then you shall truly dance….

For what is it to die, but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun….

And what is it to cease breathing,
but to free the breath, from its restless tides,
that it may rise,
and expand,
and seek God
unencumbered.

~~ Kahlil Gibran ~~

Thank you all for your love, I am truly grateful.

xoxoxoxo

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

2011-03-08T20:07:00.004-06:00

Tomorrow will mark the one year of my Mom's passing yet I have that terrible gut feeling and panic that my Mom is going to die. Hear me out, for the last month, I find myself thinking about what I was doing a year ago...and I have been reliving it. Almost to the minute, a year ago today, I had returned to see my Mom at the hospital so I could see her before I went to bed. I sat by her bed and hummed 'You are my Sunshine' because that was about all I did for comfort or communication when I was with her. I cried while I tried to mentally imprint the feeling of her nice plump hand and I tried hard to etch the look upon her face and all her features. She looked beautiful.

I stayed for a little while and then returned when I received the phone call at about 2 a.m. I sat vigil with my Dad, my sister, my brother, my aunties (Jacquie, Camille, Mickey, Shelly, Colette, Suzie, Jeannine)and uncles (Harry and Joey). We sat quietly together with my Mom, through the night. She died the next day around 10:30 in the morning.

This last year has been a struggle. I have lost not only my Mom, but two other very important women in my life and in my inner circle. Such great losses bring wounds to the spirit. I am sure I will always struggle with my sadness in not having my Mom around to share in my life and my children's and I will forever miss her. I hope to come to a point that I may think of her and smile rather then feel heart pains. I hope I will continue to work on enjoying the moments that make my life and savouring my children as they grow. I will keep walking in this direction and I know I will get there. I have an abundance of fond memories and people who love me to keep me company along the way.

I truly can not imagine how I may have coped with my grief had it not been for this wonderful blog my Mom had created. This legacy she has left brought me to a world of people who are filled with much love, experience and wisdom. Your comments and words of support have helped to bring me comfort and take away the loneliness that comes from such grief. I hold many mantras from your wise words. I truly feel that others can understand the pain. This is life. From your experience I learn that we must go on and we will go on and that still, much beauty awaits. I will always have your words to look back upon and I know they will continue to bring me comfort. How do you thank people for this? I am truly grateful for every word that you have taken the time to share with me. I will miss sharing on this blog but I will leave the last words to my Mom.

How do I thank my Mom for what she has done by creating this wonderful treasure of a blog? I can go back and read her words and it is just like I have spoken with her. I still laugh at some of her posts and she brings back so many memories with her stories. I am so proud of my Mom for starting this blog. She always said her intention was to leave a sort of memory book for us. She has left us with a chest full of jewels and gold. We can now look back upon this magic book she has written for us and hear her, feel her and remember her magical spirit and we can now share her with our children.

I have also been so thankful for you, her readers. You gave her an audience she never expected but one she cherished and it made her and her family proud to read your responses to her. You helped to make her the author we always said she should be and your love and appreciation gave much light to her days.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I wish you all so much love and happiness.

Thank you for the priviledge Mom.

*Artwork by Stephano Vitale

Enjoy the Trip

2011-03-04T20:40:00.002-06:00

"It's like getting into a boat that is just about to sail out to sea and sink. There are no life rafts, no floats and no one gets out alive. Rather than trying to ward off the inevitable, why not accept it and enjoy the trip?"

Pema Chodron

A Buddhist nun describing life

My Mom came across this quote a few months after she was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer. This quote helped pull her out of the dreadful mindset that takes over upon the initial diagnosis. She was adamant that I print a hundred of them in wallet sizes and laminate them so that she can pass them around to the many people she would meet along her journey.

*Artwork 'Leeward of the Taurus Mountains' by Grainyman

Jaqueline Bouchard

2011-01-22T23:48:00.004-06:00

Jacqueline (Jacquie) Bouchard (nee Ste. Marie)

On December 22, 2010 in a room filled with love, surrounded by her family, Jacquie was welcomed home by her son Sheldon, sister Renee, and her parents Henri and Daisy who passed before her. Jacquie leaves to cherish her memories and carry on her love of life and family, her loving husband Gilbert, son Ben (Chrissy), daughter Jennifer (Paul) and her heart and soul, her grandchildren who lifted her spirits with a simple, 'know what gram?', Brett, Jeff, Luke, Kayla, Grace and Brady. When her grandchildren walk away today, they carry a piece of her soul with them. And as Jacquie begins her new journey she carries a piece of them with her.

Merry Christmas to All

2010-12-25T21:36:00.002-06:00

Merry Christmas to all you wonderful people.

Wishing you much love, health and happiness.

Thank you for all your messages of love and condolences.

Enjoy the holidays,

Angelique

Welcome Home

2010-12-23T09:58:00.004-06:00

Our dearest Aunty Jacquie, Mother, Wife, Sister, Grandmother and Friend has passed from this life.

Your were a true luxury for us to behold this long and you will be so deeply missed.

Our memories of you will be treasured and our hearts will always feel a little empty without you.

How you loved us all with all the love one heart could hold, and then some.

Your strength and determination, your laugh, wit, generosity and support will always be remembered.

You were such a comfort to me AJ. I will look for you in the beauty all around and I will forever cherish all the memories and tea parties I had with you.

I am forever grateful for your love.

May you find peace and all the love you have left here, waiting for you on the other side.

Well, there is no doubt that you have already.

*Artwork by our dear Bella Sinclair. It is titled Sheldon's Strength. It was so thoughtfully done and it has been a real focal point of strength and hope for my Aunt and all of us in her last month. It has become a real treasured piece for our family, thanks Bella.

Has Anyone Seen the Light?

2010-11-19T23:42:00.008-06:00

The last few months have been spent trying to reconnect with myself and those I love and to try and just live simply while savouring all the time I can while I am at home with my kids. I remember a time, months ago, when my kids were goofing around in the crib together and I walked in the room feeling quite good and goofy myself. I started dancing and singing with them and when I turned to look at them, they seemed to be staring at me in awe. Almost like, wow, who is this? Our mom can be fun?

At that moment I remember feeling like crying because it was like I had lost myself for quite some time and my kids obviously hadn't seen it in quite some time either. Who knew the last time I was jumping around feeling silly. I vowed to make my way back to myself that day from all the tragedy, for my sake and my family's.

While I have been continuing to work on this, I also struggle with having to say goodbye to my Auntie Jaquie. Another wonderful person in my life who will be taking a part of me with her. It is so terrible to have to lose such a support and comfort in our world and it also brings back all the emotions and images of saying goodbye and watching my Mom die. It often feels like I am at a breaking point, where those around me are also feeling like bruised souls, hoping we can again feel that lust for life and the vitality. I shouldn't speak for anyone else, but it is how I feel. We will never go back to what once was but the question is, how do we move forward with filled hearts when some days, our hearts are broken and may never be mended?

Last month we celebrated my Dad's and my sister's birthdays and it was like there was a hole in the room where all the energy had been sucked out. What a difference one person makes? My Mom truly lit the room and kept it energised. This is definitely a hard time of year, a time I have been dreading more than any birthday (although I am dreading my birthday) or holiday without my Mom. If you knew her or read her blog, you would know she was a Christmas nut and it has been feeling quite bittersweet when I try and do fun Chrismas type things with my kids or hang ornaments (which have probably all been bought by my Mom over the years) and not to feel quite pissed that now my AJ has been told she has little time with us either. I wish I could make some deal that I may forgo seeing my Mom again, but that my kids could have a special private relationship with her throughout their lives. How amazing that would be for them to know her? How devastating to me that they won't. And now they also won't get to really know their AJ?

Just to give you an example of her lively spirit, in the the past couple of weeks, she had organised a two day marathon of manicures and pedicures at her house for her sisters, sister in law, nieces and granddaughters. She insisted on Christmas shopping all the time. She held a high tea on a burst of energy last night at 2 in the morning and had her sisters and children come over to sit with her while they probably sat around and admired her and her wit. She is loved by all who meet her. Her health care aides who help take care of her are also quite fond of her and and there is no doubt that she has a Christmas present under the tree for each and everyone of them. Why do we have to go on without such another gem in our lives?

All this is possible of course through the amazing strength and love of her children, sisters, brother, sister in law and niece. They have been by her side for the last few months taking care of her and they now alternate two a shift on days and evenings. My Auntie Camille, who lives out of town has not left my Aunt's side in months. She has her health problems herself but she wouldn't consider not being there for her sister. It really is truly remarkable to see such strength and complete love from everyone. It definitely fills the room just like my Auntie Jacquie has filled us with all the love her heart could hold.

Anyway, I told my Aunt that I would post this a month ago, and I did start, but I never finished as I have never felt more spent in my entire life. I think of writing almost every night but either my heart isn't in it or I am completely exhausted. But my aunt is nearing the end and I would feel terrible if I didn't put this question out there, and that is if anyone out there has had any near death experiences? My aunt was quite afraid and anxious of dying and leaving all those she so dearly loves here. We thought that perhaps some stories of encouters with death may provide some comfort from anyone who has felt for a moment in time, some connection to the other side. So, I ask again, has anyone seen the light?

Carrying On

2010-09-09T21:26:00.005-05:00

It has been six months today since my Mom died. Funny (or not so funny) thing though, it feels like an eternity. It feels like a lifetime ago. It feels so long ago that I had my Mom around to visit and talk with. It's almost like she was just a most wonderful dream and I never really had her at all. It is a terrible feeling to think this way but sometimes I wonder if my brain is doing this to just make things easier. I hope to fast forward to a time when I can think of my Mom and smile at the memories that seemed just like yesterday. I hope I can get to a place where I can close my eyes and and see her or talk to her without it seeming like a forced one way connection. I do hope that I can close my eyes and feel her cheek when she would kiss me goodbye and I could smile instead of cry.

Anyway, I never thought I would still be writing on this blog. I would never want it to turn into one long lament for my Mom or my families loss. I had planned to say a few last words and I guess I had more to say than I thought. But I really think I have stuck around because of all of you who have shared your stories and your blessings. Truthfully (and I never thought that I might feel this way), I have been the most comforted by all of your comments. I have still not had a chance to re-read them as I had hoped to do but I could never thank you all enough for taking the time to share a bit of yourself and your story and help me in such innumerable ways. I don't know if it's because those around me have also lossed my Mom in their life or if others don't know what to say, but I will always look back at this blog for your words of wisdom, strength and comfort.

Anyway, I am not quite finished with this blog yet but I did want to post 'Desiderata' in memory of Mom. She often read it to us, she had a poster of it in the basement and it was the only reading she requested as a must at her funeral. I remember her telling me that she came across it when she was about 15 or 16 years old in a record shop and it struck her so deeply and evidently, it was important to her her whole life.

Desiderata (by Max Ehrmann)

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly

and listen to others,

even the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,

they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain and bitter;

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs;

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals;

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially, do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love;

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be,

and whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life

keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

On Second Thought...

2010-08-26T22:08:00.003-05:00

Well, maybe it's not fair. Life may be great but it isn't always fair. Let me tell you a story about someone I know.

Without sounding too cliche, my Auntie Jacquie is truly one of the most wonderful people you could ever meet. She is a remarkable person with a highly infectious laugh. She has gotten by through life by sharing much love, generosity and kindness with others. There is not one thing bad that I can even associate with her and again, I truly mean that. She has always been close with my Mom and my family. She has stood in the sidelines as another one of our cheerleaders and she has been one of our 'go to' pillars of support. Whenever we needed a ride she was there. Whenever we were down, she was there with her infamous Caesar salad to cheer us up. Whatever we needed, big or small, she was there. She was there without us even having to ask.

When my Mom was diagnosed with cancer, my Auntie Jacquie (A. J. as she is so affectionately called) came over every day. Even on those days that my Mom said to go away, she was there to make sure she didn't need anything. She took off work on stress leave and took care of my Mom. She was not only my Mom's comfort, she was ours too. She shuttled my Mom back and forth between her appointments. She took care of her when she was ill. She came over with any kind of beverage that she could find when my Mom needed to drink something after her many rounds of chemo and nothing appealed to her. She was there to pick my Mom up and make her walk down the street, even in her pajamas, just so she could get a little exercise.

And now...

Just a little over a year now, our A. J. was starting to feel shaking and numbness in her legs. She went for some scans, the doctors said things in her brain looked ok. It must be something else. She continued to feel the unnerving sensations till she woke in the middle of the night with absolutely no feeling or movement in her left side. She was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with a brain tumor. The doctors operated on her brain and removed what they could. Most likely, she will not walk again they said. Most likely, this tumor will take over and she may have up to a year to survive.

At the same time, her 25 year old son Sheldon was in another hospital with what was believed to be a very curable form of lymphoma. They were wrong and Sheldon was operated on for over 12 hours. He had a stomach/esophageal sarcoma of some rare sort.

Sheldon and his mom were operated on at the same time. A few weeks later, they were able to be in the same hospital. Sheldon died two months later.

Somehow, A. J. has managed to carry on. She has managed to stay positive, interested in others and she has kept her strength. She is unable to walk and she remains in either a chair or her bed. She needs to rely on someone for everything that she needs. Her life was turned upside down and backwards. A few months later, she lost her mother. A month later, my Mom died; her sister and her best friend. Somehow, she has still managed to carry on. She worked on completing her goal of walking again. She walked 80 steps. She has moved and has been using her arm.

Till now,

Now we are back in the slumps of the dumps. All progress has been regressed. She has been losing feeling and movement in her left hand and her shoulder. Her arm drops and it is dead weight that causes an awful lot of pain that coincides with the pain and nausea of her chemo meds.

Now we are back to the fearful anxious mode we were hoping to have a reprieve from. Our hairs stand straight up but we slump from the stress and the sorrow of it all. How terribly sad I feel for my Auntie Jacquie. How hard this road has been for her, how much more for her bear?

More Fair

2010-08-03T22:43:00.002-05:00

Happy Birthday Little Lover and A. J.

2010-07-12T22:45:00.002-05:00

Today is Little Lover's (otherwise known as Mr. Mischief or Domenicky) birthday. He turned one years old today. Woohoo! He is amazing and he is more like his Grandma than I thought he would be. She would be nibbling on his toes and kissing him all over if she could and I bet she would be telling us how much he looks like her.

It is also my Auntie Jacquie's birthday today. I hope it was as good as it could be without her son, mother and sister there to give her lots of hugs and kisses. She is also truly amazing. I don't know if I will ever again see such strength, love and determination from one individual. You are unbelievable A. J. and we love you to the moon and back.

The Anniversary

2010-07-05T22:31:00.003-05:00

Here is a picture of my parents at their wedding social. Today would have marked their 35th wedding anniversary. I have been slightly dreading this day and I wasn't really sure how hard it would be on my Dad. I asked him a few days ago what he was going to do and he said he was going to go to his 'Dearest's' graveside.

After all the lead up of anticipation, I completely forgot about it. I blame it on the fact that I haven't looked at a calendar in a while but I feel terrible that I didn't call my Dad sooner. I called around 9:30 pm. and Nathan said he was sleeping on the couch. He had made his special fried chicken (my Mom's favourite) and Nathan had bought a cake for the two of them (without even knowing it was their anniversary...I assume my Dad didn't want to make it a big deal). But it is, and I hope his day was ok. I still feel terrible and I can't help but think that if my Mom was alive and he was sleeping on the couch on their anniversary it wouldn't have been such a big deal. Now, it's different.

I have attached a link of the post that my Mom had written about her wedding day. I hope you are all doing wonderful.

Much love and thanks,

Angelique

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2009/07/happy-anniversary-no-2.html

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2008/07/happy-anniversary.html

Happy Birthday Josephine

2010-06-01T21:38:00.003-05:00

I don't want to dwell on the fact that my Mom is not here for Josephine's birthday but I am still at that point where life has been passing me like that of the lone traveller. I am doing the best to enjoy myself and my family but there is nothing that compared to sharing it with my Mom. She was the life of the party and her energy was so great. I could just imagine her enthusiasm tonight. She had already ordered Josephine's birthday present months ago and had bought some fairy games to play at her party. I am trying to bring myself to taking them out when she has her little cousins over to celebrate in a couple of weeks.

Happy Birthday Josephine. What an honour it is to be your Mom.

*Artwork titled 'Forget Me Not' by my Mom's dear friend Bella Sinclair. Everytime I look at this picture I am overjoyed because it is just a perfect representation of my Mom with my kids but is also bittersweet that they won't grow with her and her with them.

If Only it Could Have Been, It Would Have Been

2010-05-31T21:18:00.004-05:00

If only things could be as we think they should have been. If so, we could be celebrating Sheldon's birthday with him today as he would be turning 26 years old today. We were so lucky to have been graced with him in our lives. You could only imagine his great laugh that made us laugh; his quick wit that always got us going and that secretly impressed the hell out of us. His charm and super sweetness made him all the more lovable. He was always a good listener, always without judgement. Sheldon had amazing strength in his last days that he supported those of us around him that couldn't grasp losing him. He told us he was ok and that he accepted his fate.

In honour of Sheldon, we gathered at his gravesite and toasted this wonderful person who is so deeply missed in our lives.

Cheers to you Sheldon. Thank you for all the love and laughter you brought us. Thank you for inspiring us and giving us the strength and courage to live our lives to the fullest.

As my Mom would say, 'Thank you for the pleasure Sheldon. We love you oh so much.'

(I am hoping she already told you that today : )

Mayfly Day

2010-05-17T21:00:00.004-05:00

I am not sure if my Mom ever talked about her funeral book. I don't think it took her long to do (I am only saying this because I never saw her doing it) but it was real treasure to have when she died. She had shown it to us months before she died. She was really quite excited about it. I read it through and was happy that I had such a creative Mom. We all agreed it would come in handy when she died 40 years later at 90 something (writing that last line makes me jealous that some people could have their mother around for so long, even though I am trying to be grateful that I had her for as long as I did).

The funeral book was like a little scrapbook that she put together. The right sided pages were for all her business matters and requests (like the silly cardboard box she wanted for her cremation and readings she wanted at her funeral). The left sided pages were for all her pictures, quotations about living and dying, scraps of things she has collected over the years...even something I had written at the age of 12 about how wonderful life was. This little book of hers helped us through the first part of losing her, I know my Dad was especially grateful. We could hear her voice and we appreciated that she thought of this and for one last time, she was able to take care of things for us.

One of the readings we decided to add to the funeral was called 'Mayfly Day' by Jeanne Willis and Tony Ross. My Mom found this book and fell in love. She bought as many as she could and I took her to several bookstores for her to find some more (we were out of luck). I am lucky to have one of the copies and on the inside cover she quoted, "She makes one last wish...." from the book. I am trying to make myself read this little book and live by it. I am trying to be present in this moment in my life. I am finding it dreadfully hard to make my Mom a memory of mine and move on with my life. It just isn't enough for someone so grand to be simply a memory. But I also know that I will not do her justice or proud if I don't take life by the horns and ride it.

Mayfly Day (by Jeanne Willis and Tony Ross)

Here is Mayfly,
It is her first day on earth.
It is also her last.
Mayflies only live for one day.
But is she sad?
Not at all.
She is happy to be alive!

This isn't any old day.
This is the best of days.
She lives for each moment.
She sees the world begin,
She hears the crack of dawn.
And bathes in its golden glow.
A billion buds burst open.
All for her!

She tastes her honey.

Mayfly sees eggs hatch.
Babies born.
Lambs learning to stand.
The business of ants.
The dizziness of children...
The loveliness of things.

She feels the sun's warm hug.
The kiss of summer rain.
The magic of the rainbow.

It is her wedding day.
Trees throw confetti.
There are games on the lawn.
Breezes blow, bells chime.
Birds sing!
She dancesto the music of the universe.

Mayfly lays her eggs.
It is a peaceful night.
The best of nights.

She makes one last wish:
'Little ones, may all your tomorrows be as perfect as my yesterday!'
Mayfly watches the moon come up and the stars go out.
And is thankful for her wonderful life.

*This is a picture my uncle just found of my beautiful Mom (on the right) and my beautiful Auntie Jaquie.

Mother's Day

2010-05-09T12:38:00.004-05:00

Happy Mother's Day to those of you who are blessed to have children of your own to love, cherish and admire.

Happy Mother's Day to those of you who were blessed to have children of your own to love, cherish and admire. May you take comfort in your memories.

Happy Mother's Day to those of you were blessed to still have your mother with you to love.

Happy Mother's Day to those of you who were blessed with a mother in your life who has loved you and shown you love. May you take comfort in your memories.

* Artwork titled 'Home' by Katie M. Berggren

Nathan's Birthday

2010-04-29T23:23:00.003-05:00

Today was Nathan's birthday. His first without his Mom and it was hard for all of us in our own way. Dad and Nadalene went and picked up a cake for Nathan tonight and the three of them came to my house. Josephine was still up so she was quite glad to help her Uncle Nate blow out the four candles we could find and Domenic woke up for the events.

It was harder than I thought it might be. It was hard to not think of our missing link and life of the party. We sat around and had tea and did manage to have a few laughs but I guess it was just hard to not miss our Mom tonight and I know it was another hard night for my Dad. I hope she was there with us. I think I felt her presence. I know I felt it through our love for her transcending to our love for one another.

We are looking forward to tomorrow night. Nathan will be hosting a party for himself. In anticipating the change and loss of his Mom, he will be making changes in being the one throwing the party this time. As such, we move on.

Happy Birthday Nathan! We love you.

What Wouldn't We Do?

2010-04-12T20:58:00.004-05:00

The days without my Mom seem to get harder and harder. For a while, it was easier not to think of her as gone, or even not to think of her. She was becoming a figment of my imagination and that was easier to live with. Now, reality continues to sink deeply in my chest, and at times, it steals my breath. At times, I feel like choking. At other times, I feel the bats in my stomach dance. After they are done, the loneliness settles in. It is the loneliness you feel when you are surrounded by people, even those close to you. This must be one of the hardest things, to lose your Mom. To lose one so full of love and hope for us. To lose someone who shares in our life and keeps us together. To lose someone so full of life and magic. We are all so heartbroken. Someone had written to me that the loss of a mother is one of life's greatest sorrows. One of the first we will not be able to share with her.

As I watched my Mom take her last breath, I could feel my spirit jump to my chest to try and get out, to try and stop her from leaving. Then, I felt a coolness rush passed me. I am happy I was there with her but it haunts me still and I am sure it always will. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to bear witness. She was gone and she still looked so beautiful. We were listening to music at the time from my uncle's computer. I remember he had it set to a random order. The song 'I Believe in Angels' by ABBA played three times in the half hour after her death. I tried to take comfort in that perhaps my Mom or my Grandma were trying to reassure us. It was typical of their style.

I thought I would feel my Mom's presence all around me and that I would talk to her and I would be ok. I was simply disillusioned. I felt nothing but the heaviness of her leaving and our loss. The thought of never being able to see her again, talk to her, hold her hand or kiss her cheek is too much for me to wrap my head around and process. We were close and spent much time together. For this, I am so fortunate but I am still greedy and want more. How does one ever get over the loss of a mother? What I wouldn't do to have her back here with us.

My poor Dad is at such a loss without her. He tells us that even though they have been together for 35 years, it was not enough. He tells us that they were just beginning. He would give away all his earthly possesions to have her back. He needs to know that he will be with her again.

Someone asked me if there were any signs that she was around. There are times when it seems Domenic is looking at something that we can not see, times when he is looking at the ceiling with wonder. I always hope that she is there calling to her grandson and making him smile.

We did have one magical moment that I keep re-living and that I would like to share with you. We were finishing supper and Josephine was outside the kitchen window dancing on the deck. She was increasingly becoming excited and laughing in a way that she always reserved for my Mom. She started to yell and laugh at the 'air' with her back to us. Then she looked at us, turned around and slapped her knees and continued to talk to the 'air' with her back to us. She laughed and squealed with delight. She turned to us again, put her face up to the glass real tight (something she's never done or seen us do) and then turned around again and talked and laughed to the 'air' as she would do with her Grandma. This went on for at least another 5 minutes and it was great to see her that way again. It was definitely the Josephine only her Grandma could bring out. A week later, I asked her if she ever sees Grandma. She said, 'I dream to her." Then she said, 'bestest star in the sky' (something I have never said to her...although I wish I did. It sounded like something my Mom would have said). I sure hope she sees her. I can take some comfort in that.

Now that things are settled, we are hoping to go back and enjoy the comments from so many of you that have helped us through this painful experience. Your love and kind words leave us speechless and less alone. We had wanted to ask anyone who had written something about our Mom (Wife, Sister and Friend) on their blogs to send us a link so we may go back and read the posts. Also, some of her blog friends have so kindly set up another blog titled reneesbookoflove.blogspot.com. This blog will be a site for people to leave comments and then the posts will be put into a book. Thank you Laurel and KJ for doing this, it's just incredible. I know this takes time so if you get a chance, it would be so appreciated.

Love to all of you,
Angelique

*Art work by Faith Evans-Sills

Eulogy

2010-04-08T10:44:00.004-05:00

One of my aunt's suggested I share with you my Mom's eulogy. It is written by her dear friend Heidi, who has written so eloquently about her.

I stand before you today, heartbroken. I am humbled by the great honor bestowed on me by Renee to stand here and talk about the life of my amazing friend, your wife, your mother, your sister, your aunt and your friend.

Renee grew up in a loving home where she was taught how to love unconditionally, and this was how she lived her life.

When Renee was diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer, over four years ago, her doctors told her that her life expectancy was not long. Her battle began. And she fought, with courage, with dignity, with strength beyond comprehension. Her battle became our battle. Those first couple of years were devastating, as would be expected. And then in February of 2008, Renee’s blog “Circling My Head” was born. In her first entry, she said, “I have grieved for the life I thought I would have and I have lived in the shadow land. BUT NOW! I have returned and have chosen to be happy, to care and to love. My reasons:
· I have a brilliant husband whom I respect;
· I have two beautiful and amazingly supportive daughters who have become exactly what I wished for;
· I have a wonderful son whose compassion and joyful spirit brings such everyday pleasure into my daily life; and I am so proud of him.
· And then as time passed, she was blessed with two beautiful grandchildren.

“Circling my Head” became a place for Renee to express her thoughts, fears, hopes and feelings, meant to be a legacy for her family. But it flourished and became so much more. Her beautiful writings became a masterpiece - She was an amazing artist.

I will quote Renee many times, because I could never find the words to say things in such an eloquent and profound way.

Wahid:
You and Renee shared a love story that spanned over 35 years. Renee loved and admired you and said you were better than anyone she could have ever hoped for in her dreams. She believed that your kindness, patience, and genuine understanding made her kinder, more patient, and more understanding.
Renee’s love for you grew with each year that passed. Many people go through life and never find that kind of love. You and Renee had it for over 35 years, and although it wasn’t long enough, you were blessed to have had her as your partner. It wasn’t long enough for her either.
Nothing in the world would ever match the love Renee had for her children.

Of Angelique, Renee said
· You are my heart walking outside of my body.
· You are my first experience of endless love
· You taught me more than I could ever have taught you.
· You and Don gave me two of the most incredible human beings ever, sweet Josephine and darling Domenic.

Angelique thank you for the privilege.

Of Nadalene, Renee said:
· Nadelene, you are my awakening.
· I am so proud of your accomplishments and of the woman you have become.
· You are an incredible individual.
· You are married to a wonderful man, Charlton, and I love him so much.

Nadalene, thank you for the privilege.

Of Nathan, she said:
· Nathan, you are my closing act on motherhood.
· I am so proud of you. I love the sound of you being referred to as “Mr. Khan”.
· In her words: “As sure as sunbeams dance in dust filled corners, I know that any child Nathan teaches will be a very lucky child indeed”
· As a man, you are an amazing individual.

Nathan, thank you for the privilege.

Renee was overjoyed with her two grandchildren. She took nothing for granted; she knew how lucky she was to have Josephine and Domenic in her life.

When Josephine, was born, she became Renee’s new lease on life. She was the best medicine. Although she didn’t take the cancer away, she reminded Renee that she was still alive. Renee adored that sweet child and cherished every moment she got to spend with her.

When Domenic was born, Renee said that he was a “gift” to her and she said that she loved him unconditionally and beyond eternity. She said that he gave her more pleasure in one day than she had in years of living.

What a privilege for Renee to have had Josephine and Domenic in her life.
And if Renee didn’t already have so much love in her life, there were all of you, her family.

Renee was the 8th child born on March 28th, 1956 in The Pas, Manitoba to a family which would eventually become 13.
Adorable, with enormous blue eyes, she was nicknamed “Lover” by her dad at a very young age, because he thought her to be a peace maker.

If you asked Renee she would tell you that she was her dad’s favorite, her mom’s favorite and of course she was the favorite of all of her siblings. She often ended that statement by saying “Well, really, who else is there”

The last words Renee’s Dad spoke to her before he passed away: “Lover, I’m glad that I’m dying before you. I will make a place for you and your Mom in Heaven.” And indeed that is exactly what he did. We all know that he had prepared a place for Sheldon when he arrived and so he, along with Sheldon and then Daisy, were there with open arms to welcome Renee into eternal life. We can find some comfort in that.

Renee had an unbelievable relationship with her siblings. And each of you know how much she loved you and how important you were in her life; each in your own unique way.

As I began to write this eulogy, I asked each of Renee’s siblings to provide me with one word that they felt best described Renee. This turned out to be an almost impossible task, because how do you pick one word to describe someone so real, wise, devoted, intellectual, assured, kind hearted, charismatic, passionate, spiritual, determined, unforgettable, magical, hilariously funny, an all around beautiful person.

Renee shared a particularly strong bond with her sister Jacquie. Of Jacquie, she said “we have lived and loved and grown attached to each other for over 53 years. We are such an intimate part of each other. Sheldon will be very pleased to have his Auntie Renee parked on that bench beside him and his grandparents in heaven. Jacquie, you and Renee are still and will be forever “Together Strong”.

And then there were her friendships. Renee was one of the most loyal people I have ever met. Since we became friends in elementary school, our friendship has been unwavering. Renee always made me feel like I was part of her family as did the entire Ste. Marie clan. She was a wonderful listener and was always so interested in what was going on in my life. She was my biggest cheerleader. We shared so many experiences together throughout our childhood, adolescence, and adult life. We survived those wild and crazy teen years, were young mothers at the same time, we became neighbors, our kids played together. And here it is, 43 years later.

One of the things I enjoyed most about Renee was her sense of humor. When Nadalene was getting married, Renee planned to wear a wig for the occasion. I believe it was the first time she ever wore a wig since losing her hair. As part of the wedding ceremony, Renee and Charlton’s mom were to light candles at the alter. Renee and I had many discussions about this. She confided in me that she was terrified her head would catch on fire when lighting her candle. So she assigned me a very import role in the ceremony. When her head caught on fire, it was my job to run up to the alter, rip the wig of her head and extinguish the fire. We had many good laughs while we plotted our strategy. Thankfully, my services weren’t required.

Renee, thank you for the privilege.

One of Renee’s favorite pastimes was reading, of course always accompanied by a good cup of tea. Over the years, she read thousands of books. And through that, her wisdom grew to amazing heights.
Her blog became a passion for her and her world grew enormously. Renee created a beautiful piece of art, having found the perfect venue to share her innermost self. One comment that I found to be such a beautiful description of Renee’s writing abilities came from someone who said, “Sweet Renee - how you takes pieces of your soul and arrange them all together to pierce through directly to our hearts, is beyond me.”
During the two year span that Renee blogged, she posted over 600 times. And she had followers. And the followers. Grew and grew. Her site was viewed over 21,000 times and the feedback she received grew, initially a few a day to the entry on March 9th, when Angelique wrote about her Mom’s passing. More than 200 replies were received. Replies from around the world, from people who had never met her, yet knew her intimately and loved her.

Renee helped many other cancer patients to understand the disease. She made it real while at the same time making it more bearable. for them. She lost many “new friends” over the last four years to cancer, and each one devastated her.
Isn’t it amazing how that little blue eyed girl born in The Pas, changed this world in such a remarkable way. The beauty that was Renee will transcend forever.

The birds have stopped circling renee’s head
They have been replaced by white doves of peace
Blue skies ahead
And not a bat in sight

Renee believed in life everafter
World without end

Rest in Peace Renee

It has truly been our privilege.

Regarding Renee

2010-03-28T10:42:00.006-05:00

In February, 2010, Renee asked me to write her a birthday blog. I feel very honoured to have the privilege.

Renee was the 8th child born on March 28th 1956 in The Pas, Manitoba to a family of 13, the 6th daughter of what will eventually be 9. She is named by, and after Father René Major, a Catholic Priest at the church her family attended (Renée: r(e)-nee\ is pronounced ren-NAY. It is of French origin, meaning “reborn”).

Renee and I were the only two children in our family born in the Pas Manitoba.We are 1 1/2 years apart and have been best friends our entire life.

We each had three amazing children, similar in age, who attended the same school. We lived very close to each other, our kids were the best of friends, and therefore we were practically inseparable. I don't have the words to describe how much i loved her and how much she meant to me. Our relationship was very real. It was based on love, trust, the truth, and a willingness to do absolutely anything for each other.

Renee, last summer i was so honoured, proud, and appreciative to be your sister. When I was unable to be with, and take care of Sheldon, you stepped up and went above and beyond, despite the fact you were so sick yourself. Sheldon loved having you in the hospital every single day, and I love you beyond belief for being a 2nd mom to my kids. I want you to know I will do everything in my power to be there for your kids, especially during this difficult time.

Renee had an uncanny ability to make people feel special and important. She once wrote something i will never forget:

" Darling Jacquie, you will never be lost without me, because all of these years you have been leading the way. I always just pretended it was me. I would never be gone a moment without you. You know you are the best driver, so where you go, we will follow.

"Renee was my darling sister, my dearest friend, and my children’s confidante. She wrote something about me that is too beautiful not to share....

"I am closest to my sister Jacquie. We nurture these bonds by doing lots of things together and talking almost every day."

Jacquie just like you did for me, whatever it takes, for as long as it takes, you won’t have to ask me and you won’t have to thank me. And I will always be sick of being sick, but never ever will I be sick of being there for you."

***************

Renée loved her dearest husband, her children, her grandchildren, family and friends, Christmas, reading books, drinking tea, watching blizzards, smelling flowers, writing her blog, listening to music, catching fairies, and taking pictures....this list could go on forever as Renee's personality was larger than life.

Prior to xmas 08, Renee and her family went to Toronto on a trip, and while she was gone I found an incredible deal on something we both really wanted; a digital camera.

When she came back I told her about my good fortune in finding this camera, and that I bought one for myself....Renee shouted at me ...."you better have picked one up for me, and i am not kidding"...to which i replied .............there was a limit of one, sorry Renee...."you could have left the store and came right back in and bought me one" "Jacquie, i can't believe you. You know how badly i wanted one."

She was very disappointed, and as a result she would not let up about me not getting one for her.

"I can't believe you didn't pick one up for me, you knew i wanted one"....this went on for at least 30 minutes, at which point i had to tell her the truth, that i bought her one, hoping to surprise her at Christmas....

She dove over to me and said ..."You know i don't like getting gifts"....har har..."OMG, i am so excited"

It was freezing outside, about -50 if I remember correctly, but it doesn’t deter Renee from asking, "Can you go home and get it ?" of course, we all know I did....

Renee loved that camera, and she took pictures of everything. In fact i can remember her getting a little out of hand at times. One day i felt like she had taken a hundred pictures of me, so i finally told her....

Renee, would you stop taking so many fuc*ing pictures of me!....snap....

Renee, I’m going to kill you!!....snap....

Enough already!!!!....snap....

And then we both bust a gut laughing....

***************

Renee was very passionate about her blog, and clearly she had quite an effect on her followers:

one of the comments on Renee's blog truly captured her amazing ability....

"Renee, let me tell you... your blog is 'a spark of life' and I love to read everything!! You are a very good writer!"

*************

Renee loved a good story .... but loved to tell a good tale and here is a recent example of how she described a magical Halloween night:

"The light shined bright the other night though. There was a Beast, Belle (dressed as Cinderella), a Witch and her Mama, and a Grandma/A.J. all on a crisp Halloween evening laughing and going door to door. I drove up and lunged towards them like Quasimodo because I can barely move my leg and pounced on Grandma/A.J. in the wheelchair and asked if she had fun and she did. I could see it."

Beast (Ben) pushed Grandma/A.J. (Jacquie) while Mama (Angelique) went up to the houses with Belle (Kayla) and a Witch (Josephine). Amongst all of this magic there were many creatures running from door to door, there were even boxes walking around.

"But best of all it was a good night where a mother and her other brave son were able to go for a lovely evening stroll."

***************

We are all devastated to lose our Renee, and i often think of the advice she gave:

"Almost four years is a long time to be sick. A long time to be told that you will be dead in six months and then when you are able to live past those six months, know that you are on borrowed time and the bomb WILL drop and when it does you better be ready.

Renee was a true fighter, she beat the odds, but although she was with us far more than 6 months, it was still not even close to long enough.

Renee once wrote in her blog: “They’ll come back to sit when they’re suffering.” Most of us know these places along the path where pain and suffering reside, where the heart aches beyond measure. These places where we need to sit because we are bowed by grief."

Well unfortunately that is where we are for now........as Renee did not make it to her 54th birthday.....

Renee was very wise and has helped all of us along the road. Her last piece of advice to me was something to me and another sister Camille:

"Don't question things, or you will never get any visits. If you do not believe, and are not open to receive the visits, they will not come"

Renee, it has been a pleasure to have had you for my little sister. I will love you and miss you all the days of my life. We will celebrate you always and you will never be someone else's memory....

Cheers Renee

"Together Strong"

Jacquie

Obituary

2010-03-14T21:31:00.002-05:00

Renée Khan (née Ste. Marie)
(March 28, 1956-March 9, 2010)

It is with deep sadness that we who loved her most announce the passing of my wife and our mother.

Renée is survived by her dearest husband and companion of 35 years Nizam Khan; her much loved and adored children Angélique St-Hilaire (Don); Nadalene Cooper (Charlton); Nathan Khan and her joy-filled grandchildren Joséphine and Domenic St-Hilaire. She also leaves to mourn her siblings, nieces and nephews.

Renée’s life work was her children. She often said she loved no one more than them. Renée raised her children in a loving and happy home. Renée encouraged her children to share their lives with her and she listened with devotion.

Renée loved her dearest husband, her children and grandchildren, family and friends, Christmas, reading books, drinking tea, watching blizzards, smelling flowers, writing her blog, listening to music, catching fairies, and admiring the sky.

Renée’s strong faith gave her strength. She gave all she could and more.

We would like to thank all of the angels who have helped my wife and our mother. A special thanks to Dr. Grenier and to the group of women who have travelled this difficult path with her. We would also like to thank her dear siblings and sister in-law for their love, support and care for her and us throughout her journey and her last days. Finally, we would like to thank the staff at St. Boniface Hospital (6E) for their care.

Farewell Dear Hearts
Wahid, Angélique, Nadalene, Nathan
I love you my family and even though I have passed I am taking a piece of you all with me because I can’t bear to be without you, even at the last. Love one another for my sake and even in the tough times be there for each other. And you will see me in each other’s faces and hear me in each other’s words. You have made all of this worth it for me.
Love Mom xoxo

“There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go.”

Welcome Home

2010-03-09T20:35:00.005-06:00

Our 'Dearest', our 'Pudd', our beautiful Mom, 'Gaga', Grandma, Sister, Auntie and Friend will be so deeply missed.
We are terribly heartbroken Mom.
We will continue to look for you and find you in the beauty all around us and within.

May your journey be safe and may you find peace.
Till we meet again on the day beyond days.
Goodnight, God bless you Mom.

Fuck Cancer

2010-03-04T20:07:00.003-06:00

It's killing all of us inside. We have watched our Mom, sister, wife and friend slowly wither away. We see the odd glimmers of her fighting spirit and that makes us feel her strength and love but it is still taking us all down and I am afraid of what will happen when she goes. My Mom has had little relief from her pain, nausea and vomiting. We have been told that she could leave us at anytime, but most likely we have about a week or so.

Thank you for all your prayers, best wishes and lovely comments about my Mom. They help and I am sure they will continue to help us through this. I wish I could respond to so many of you but of course, I am tired.

Josephine Loves Her Grandma and Grandma Loves Her Josephine

2010-02-19T21:00:00.007-06:00

It has been two weeks and one day since Josephine has last seen her Grandma and it feels like an eternity. She, who has been so lucky to have spent so much of her two and a half years with Grandma, may not see her again and that just makes me feel so heartbroken. Josephine is addicted to her Grandma and her Grandma is addicted to her. Even in her drug induced states, my Mom has been speaking about her Josephine, who I am proud to say, has a spirit as strong as her Grandma’s.

It feels like it’s been forever since I sent the update but it has just been one long roller coaster of a week. Considering all the love and prayers that you have all been sending, I am surprised that my Mom isn’t cancer free right now. I have to thank you all for your support and comments. They have been truly uplifting for our family in such a horrible time. Unfortunately, things are not going so well for my lovely Mom. It is now the beginning of the end for her.

It turns out that the cancer has spread to the stomach, the lining, and the bone marrow. All of which have been causing much pain. I only just saw my Mom with relief on Wednesday. It was wonderful to have my Mom back, even if for only 20 minutes. The doctors have not given us much for prognosis and no amount of time will ever be enough. All of a sudden, things seem to be happening so fast.

We are lucky to have such a wonderful family to help us get through this. Despite all that has been happening over the past 6 months, we couldn’t ask for more support and love. My Auntie Mickey and Colette have been around to spend days and evenings with my Mom. My Auntie Jacquie and Auntie Camille are doing everything they can to come down at every opportunity, as well as my Auntie Shelly. I have had my cousins Taylor, Chrissy, and Natalie, as well as my Auntie Jeannine come to watch the kids for me so I can also spend time with my Mom during the day. We are so grateful for their love and support, as well as others that I have not mentioned.

Even though I knew Josephine and Domenic wouldn’t have this amazing person in their lives for very long, I couldn’t help but feel that just maybe, she might make it for another 20 years. She wasn't a Grandma long but you couldn’t imagine a better Grandma. As my Mom would say, she learnt from the best.

She is such an amazing mother. We are so heartbroken as we watch someone we love suffer so much yet persevere. I understand that this is how life goes but it still feels unfair. I know how lucky I have been to have had such a beautiful person so close to me in my life but I still demand a recount. I still need my Mom for another 54 years. She is my first home, my biggest cheerleader and my first and greatest true love.

My Mom is Probably Going to Kill Me

2010-02-12T21:55:00.005-06:00

I am not sure if my Mom will kill me for trespassing in her Blogger account and writing to you (or for putting up this picture) but I think she will be ok with it. Lately, my Mom has been having a rough time. I know she has mentioned the bats flying around in her stomach, but now I would say that they laid their nests and they don’t seem to be leaving anytime soon. As a result, my Mom hasn’t been able to really eat or drink anything since the middle of October. Can you imagine?

She had a biopsy (the beginning of December) to find out what was going on and she did not receive her final results till Feb. 4….that being that the cancer cells in her stomach cannot be identified. The results are inconclusive because the cells resemble stem cells rather than tissue cells. The doctors have told her that they would treat it as a breast cancer (even though it is extremely rare for breast cancer to spread to the stomach) as they believe they are 90% sure that is what it is. At her appointment, they told her that she would start combination chemotherapy today. She heard these results on the day my Grandma died. I had no way of telling her that her mother had died as she spent the day at the doctor’s. Unfortunately, she was there so long and in so much pain; she was unable to visit her Mom one last time.

My Mom continued to suffer in her pain as she had for the last couple of months (believing that this is what it is like when you have cancer in your stomach) but it was becoming unbearable. She went to the hospital on Sunday and she is there still. She has still to find a balance between no pain and no nausea. She is still unable to really eat (I don’t think she could finish a whole yogurt cup in a day) or drink and we are thankful and that she is being taken care of and finally getting fluids in the hospital. The goal is to get her comfortable before they can think of any sort of treatment at this point. Hopefully, this will happen soon.

As for my Mom, I think her spirits are ok. I know that she is quite tired and frustrated. She throws up so many times a day and she is in quite a bit of pain in her legs and back. I imagine she was also quite upset that she hasn’t really been able to grieve for her Mom since she has been in so much pain and she was unable to attend the funeral. How shitty.

I feel like I am rambling but I need to get some of this out. I would normally tell my Mom what is bothering me but I am obviously not able to right now. I also feel that you should know what has been happening as I know her blogger friends are very dear to her. We often hear names and stories of her friends and I know that she takes so much comfort and pride in her relations. I thank you all for your support, prayers and well wishes. They have always meant so much to my Mom and to us, her family. Hopefully, my Mom will recover and be home real soon. I can’t imagine anything but.

Angelique

Come And Meet Her

2010-02-08T23:20:00.003-06:00

Colette wrote this obiturary for mom, come and meet her.

Daisy Ste. Marie

December 07, 1926 – February 03, 2010

A much treasured Mother, Grand, Great & Great Great-Grandmother. With deep sadness we who loved her most announce that mom passed away peacefully in her home.

Born in Aberdeen, Scotland she came to Canada as a war bride, Daisy is predeceased by her husband Henri, children Peter and Pauline, grandson Sheldon, and sister Elsie McDonald.

She leaves to mourn her children: Harry (Jeannine); Kathy (Ernie); Dwain (Erika); Suzie (Peter); Mickey (Gord); Camille (Jim); Jacquie (Gil); Renee (Nizam); Colette (Rick); Lori (Mike); Gerry (Lisa); Shelly (Peter); Joey (Monique); 65 grand, great-grand, and great-great grandchildren.

Daisy devoted her life to her family. There was always room for one more in her house, if you walked in a stranger, you left as a friend. A quote from Daisy, “I may not leave you riches and gold, but I leave you, with all the love a mother’s heart can hold”. Good Night Mom. God Bless You. You are deeply missed already mom, until we see you once again, in the days beyond the days.

Funeral service will be held on Thursday, February 11, 2010 at 2:00 p.m., Holy Family Parish, 778 Archibald. Please join the family for tea at the Glen Lawn Funeral Home 455 Lagimodiere following the mass. A private family interment will take place.

The family would like to thank all who cared for our mother.

Welcome Home

2010-02-03T21:52:00.006-06:00

To the world's greatest and most treasured Mother, Grandmother and Great-Grandmother.

You are already so deeply missed.

'n aire do litrichean móra is sràcan

My First Home No. 2

2010-02-01T03:08:00.004-06:00

It is 2:22 a.m. and I just got out of bed yelling ‘Fuck off. Oh my God my side. Fuck.’ I was up an hour ago and took some pills for my knees and had some popsicles. Now I am up and had some pills for my side. ‘Fuck.’

Spent the day at Mom’s and just basically watched her sleep and then went in one of Shelly’s rooms and slept myself.

Today the priest came and gave Mom the Last Rites. It actually was really beautiful. There was Joey, Gord, Doug, Liz, Peter, Suzie, Camille, Father Aubin, Mom (sleeping), Shelly, me, Nadalene, Taylor, Colette, Mickey, and I don’t even know who else was behind us.

Love is physical and you can feel it. Everyone is concerned for the other.

I’m watching the three youngest Joey rubbing Mom’s back, Shelly rubbing Mom’s feet, and Gerry rubbing Mom’s hands. They are going at it all at the same time but could be doing it one at a time as they are so focused and really are just them and our Mom.

Then Nathan and Angelique came. Nathan had bought red roses for Grandma which were beautiful and roses he had dropped off the day before for Jacquie and some he had also placed on Sheldon’s grave after cleaning it and so Jacquie was happy.

I went and had a sleep because I am exhausted.

Nadalene woke me up because Ben had built a ramp for his Mom and Jacquie was coming over and would be there in a few minutes. So Jacquie got to see Mom and even though Mom did not really wake to know Jacquie was there, the rest of us were thrilled. And funny thing is she did know because later in the night when Jacquie was gone she asked where Jacquie was gone.

My side right now is killing me. Christ already, I’ve done my bit and taken the pills – do yours already.

Funny tonight to see everybody order Chinese Food from the place that my parents have ordered from for over 40 years.

Gerry and Quin came in from Lethbridge on Friday.

We listen to Englebert Humperdink and Sidney Divine and all the Scottish music and other music that we all grew up on and that made me feel like crying the most. Seeing Mom who was so full of life and loved her music just kind of lying there and the music became like little stories to me. I saw thousands of life experiences with each little story.

Mom getting her head lovingly rubbed by Angelique, it was so puffy and I loved seeing my daughter rub my mother’s head.

On Saturday Jacquie and I were both so sick and I heard Mom had a horrible day too. I who should have been able to go see my Mom could not even keep awake. I threw up or I slept and I wished I was dead.

Jacquie is on her week of chemo and said that she was so tired and her stomach was so bad and she just couldn’t keep her eyes open.

Mom had a horrible day too.

Of the three of us I am the weakest because I want to quit the fastest. I’m tired of it all.

‘Oh my God, I am sick of this, my left side is killing me. I’m thirsty and I’m tired.’

Our family does not hold each other at a distance and view our problems as individual problems. Families do not walk away from each other. Your problems become our problems. This is simply the way our family works. Blood is thicker than water.

One of the grim realities ahead for us is that my Mom will die and she won’t be there anymore for any of us. We will live and she will die and we won’t have her in the present but only in the past.

But we will have each other. Families are there to stop us from having to be alone.

‘Where is the let up? Christ already.’

I remember reading Vonnegut where he stated that the reason everyone was so lonely and unhappy was that we had forgotten about extended families. That our families were shrinking and becoming more and more separated and independent and all of a sudden when part of the family goes then there is nothing left to fill the gap and that everyone would be happier if we just had bigger families. I think they may not need to be bigger but at least connected.

My parents were people that sparkled and whose eyes were full of hope. They transferred that hope to us. They were always willing to celebrate the ordinary and make us all feel worthwhile, no matter what it was we did.

It is 3:05 a.m. and I feel like shoving myself into the hospital. But I won’t, I think I can bear this and hopefully the pain will go away.

How are you doing over there Mom? How are you doing over there Jacquie?

My First Home

2010-01-29T08:28:00.002-06:00

It is the real beginning of the real end.

My first home and an especial love of my life is leaving this world. It may take a few weeks or it may take a few days but how I am going to miss her; my Mom, the person who probably still cares the most for me in this world.

Angelique and Josephine and Domenic spent the day with Mom on Wednesday along with Mickey and Dwain and Taylor and they had a lovely time.

Angelique, Nadalene, and I spent the evening and we had a wonderful time and Mom was in good spirits. Mom kept saying how she would talk to Domenic and he would laugh and how happy that made her. And that little Josephine; of course full of life and love for great-grandma and how when Mom fell asleep; Josephine said ‘wake-up.’

But then Mom had to swallow some pills and that took a lot out of her. Fentanyl came in to play but it just didn’t help ease her breath or panic fast enough. It is hard to watch your mother struggle.

It was a very hard day for Jacquie yesterday as when I left her house with Colette and Wahid we went on to visit Mom and she had to stay home. Yes she phoned a few times and Mom rallied herself to say ‘Is that Jacquie, tell Jacquie not to worry.’ And Jacquie said she wouldn’t but of course she did.

Our family has always been a survival unit with our parents agreeing in all actions to care for us kids and for us kids agreeing (not in all actions) to take care of our parents. When I went to Shelly’s last night it was to a hard scene as Mom was disoriented. And at the same time it was beautiful to see her children all around her focused on her completely.

Harry was gone to get new medicine. Jeanine had been there all day and was talking to the nurses and getting all the information we needed. Suzie was upset and crying of course it is all so much. Mickey who has been there every day taking care of Mom while Shelly is at work was taking care of Mom and trying to help her. Colette and Joey were holding Mom’s hand and rubbing her back. Shelly was taking care of all Moms’ needs too and just putting herself out there. I sat back in a chair and watched.

When Mom settled I sat beside her and held her hand. She said ‘Who is that?’ I said “It is your Renee, Mom.” And Mom said ‘Oh my Renee.’

And how hard for us all that our mother whom we love and cherish above all others must face anguish and despair. She will endure pain and fear and suffering and she will fade before our eyes.

And yet we will hold her gaze in our hearts and in our prayers knowing that it would be disrespectful to avert our eyes even for a second. Our gift to her now is our undivided attention.

My mother’s wealth is her family. Mom is very proud of the bonds that her children have. And believe me, we have them. Mom would be the first to say that the wealth of her children could not be given a price and that she was proud of each and every one of us.

Shelly and Peter have set up a lovely room for Mom where she is so happy and comfortable. Where she says she eats like a queen. I will never forget that you have done this for Mom Shelly. Thank you.

We gather everyday now, we her adult children. We gather to her bedside which has become Holy Ground. You are our first home, our greatest champion.

I love you Mom. xoxoxo

But Sometimes

2010-01-28T06:49:00.002-06:00

but sometimes when i’m standing
at the kitchen counter after dinner
and i look out the window at the dark
thinking of nothing,
something swims up.
tonight this:
your laughing into my mouth
as you were trying
to kiss me.

~~ Deborah Garrison ~~

*artwork by Jane Ray

Wednesday's Women No. 39

2010-01-27T03:46:00.007-06:00

Pattee and I talked last year about joining a gypsy caravan. You see Pattee is a vagabond and loves to travel. I love to jump on and off things so I decided to join her.

Sonia had joined and made us a trio and now kj has also joined and made us a foursome. Pattee knows that I am never cooking but I will read the tarot cards to make us some money.

Pattee will make me lobster and garlic butter and all kinds of specialty dishes so I won’t have to eat hard cheesies all day.

Sonia has made me a screaming banshee doll and I think she should be in charge of making voodoo dolls and love potions as they go hand in hand quite often as the couple ‘love and hate’.

kj will make a perfect pickpocket as I don’t think people will see that coming. She can be really nice and say ‘hey what’s happening and then just slip her hand in their pocket.’ We should be able to keep a good supply of lobster just off of her takings.

I thought you might like a little peek at us over the next week.

Pattee will do all the cooking and will help us outrun the authorities.

I will read the tarot and the palm and charge people a small fortune.

Sonia will make voodoo dolls and love potions.

kj will do all the pick-pocketing as if there were no tomorrow.

Then And Now No. 2

2010-01-26T01:55:00.003-06:00

Then

March 13, 1998

Gwen died today, I couldn’t believe it. She died of cancer and her funeral is Wednesday. Mom called and she was so upset, I went over right away. Dad was crying too. Jacquie and Suzie and Peter came over and Mom and Dad felt a lot better after that.

Now

January 26, 2010

What I can’t believe now is how naïve I was. Like I can’t believe she died? She had cancer for Christ’ sake!

Then

March 18, 1998

Gwen’s funeral was today. Mom took a nerve pill before going to the funeral so she could stand it. Gwen was her best friend, as well as being her only friend she had left who was still alive.

Nadalene made Mom supper and bought her a hyacinth plant and a beautiful card. Mom was crying. Nadalene was showing Mom her pictures from Europe and it was a nice visit. But my heart felt like it was breaking for Mom. Nadalene drove home and was telling me how important friends are for seniors. I started crying in the car (just like I’m crying in bed) when she told me that in her University classes on the elderly they say that if a parent tells their children they are depressed; magnify that by a thousand, because they just won’t tell their children until they are at the end of their rope.

God please give Mom and Dad a restful night as I know they are both very upset.

Now

January 26, 2010

I see that it is so true how we want to spare our children no matter what. We want them to be spared what we cannot spare ourselves. But of course that can’t work. I think by trying to spare them they would worry more. I believe it is much better to be honest and state how we feel and then we can move past it and so can they. They don’t have to wonder if we are hiding things from them.

Then

January 2, 2001 (two thousand and one)

I am grateful that I like my children and I like my husband. It is 7:31 p.m. and I am in bed, I started my periods today, and I both look and feel like death warmed over. (Is that right? Mom always says that and now that I’ve written it out, I don’t know what it means.) Anyways, I’m exhausted. I always feel like I do nothing for me, but I just realized I said ‘I’ thirteen times in this short block of sentences.

Now

January 26, 2010

I definitely know what death warmed over is now. And I am still about ‘I’.

Then

June 16, 2001

Major beliefs that have shaped my life and been drilled into my head by my Mom and Dad: love one another; treat others as you want to be treated; do not judge; if you have something nice to say to someone then say it; and no one is better than you and you are no better than them; and finally, there but for the grace of God go I.

Now

January 26, 2010

These happen to be the same beliefs that I have drilled into my own children’s heads. I think they are good ones.

M = Angels And Goddesses

2010-01-25T01:09:00.004-06:00

Michael is the great archangel whose name means ‘Who is as God.’

Michael is the chief angel who is the deliverer of the faithful. Michael grants miracles, fosters mercy, repentance, truth, sanctification, blessing, immortality, patience and love to mankind. Michael is protective of those who are just and good.

Michael is also known as the angel that strengthens our spirits in difficult times. Michael is a protector and helps us with our courage and our worthiness and self esteem. He helps us in our commitment and dedication to our beliefs.

It is commonly believed that Michael was the angel that Moses communicated with in the burning bush and that Michael also saved Daniel from the lion’s den. Michael is also one of the five great angels along with Gabriel, Uriel, Raphael, and Metatron who assisted in the burial of Moses.

Michael inspires truth, patience and love in the human heart. In the Roman Catholic tradition Michael is considered to be the patron angel of policemen and makes sure to guide and protect them while they guide and protect us.

Michael is known to gently lead our souls to heaven. He is chief in the order of virtues, chief of the archangels, prince of the presence, angel of repentance, righteousness, mercy, and sanctification.

In Muslim lore Michael is described as being covered with saffron hairs of which each of them contain a million faces and mouths and as many tongues which, in a millioin dialects, implore the pardon of Allah. Christians invoke Michael as St. Michael the benevolent angel of death, in the sense of deliverance and immortality and for leading the souls of the faithful into the eternal light. To the Jews, he is the viceroy of heaven.

Michael is most famous for leading God’s army of angels against Satan. Among the Dead Sea Scrolls there is a one piece of the book entitled ‘War of the Sons of Light Against the Sons of Darkness.’ Here Michael is called the Prince of Light and he leads the angels of light in battle against the legions of the angels of darkness. Michael wins this battle with God on his side.

Medusa did not always turn everyone to stone.

Medusa is the original serpent Goddess of Female Wisdom and she is of the Libyan Amazons. She was also known as Metis in those days. Her blood was said to have the power to create life or bring on death.

Medusa was symbolized by two black swans that faced in opposite directions. Medusa was known as a full moon goddess who brought rain for the crops. In later myths she was a beautiful Gorgon Queen who guarded the Garden of the Hesperides containing the tree of golden apples in the land of the setting sun.

When Medusa was caught making love with Poseidon in Athena’s temple; Athena put a curse on her and turned her hair to snakes which caused any who glimpsed her face to turn to stone; another case of a woman cursing the other woman instead of the God.

Myth also tells of Medusa’s demise at the hands of Perseus who gave Athena Medusa’s head to wear on her shield.

*artwork Medusa by Arnold Bocklin

Soundless Saturday No. 63

2010-01-23T03:23:00.001-06:00

Fantasy Friday BLD No. 38

2010-01-22T03:24:00.005-06:00

*artwork D by Kathy Olivas

Superstitious

2010-01-21T04:32:00.003-06:00

Do you touch wood for reassurance, just to be on the safe side? I did for a long time. I would say knock on wood or touch wood and then proceed to do it. At one point Robbie’s wife Eva even made me a wooden ring. It broke from wear. I don’t know how that has fallen to the wayside, maybe I realized wood wasn’t going to save me.

Do you make sure not to place your newly bought shoes on a table? Absolutely, new shoes, old shoes, baby shoes, slippers, anything worn on your feet. That is the one superstition I was raised on ‘Never put shoes on the table it is bad luck.’ If I even see shoes on a table that someone else has put on there I will take them off.

Do you cover mirrors in a thunderstorm? Now this one I don’t do and actually have never heard of it.

Do you let the other person come down the stairs first before you go up, so that you don’t cross on the stairs? No, and I never knew this was a superstition either. Funny how this one seems weird and yet shoes on a table are almost criminal.

Do you open the front and back doors on December 31st to let the New Year in and the old one out? No but I somehow remember my Mom talking about this. Also that it was good luck to bring a lump of coal to someone’s home on New Year’s Eve so they would be warm. We also heard that it was lucky to have someone with black hair or dark skin come to your house (I guess they were to symbolize coal and that you would stay warm.)

Do you say if this happens than that will happen? Yes, before Christmas when feeling like a total bag of shit I was rolling around in bed. I kept moving the covers and said if I happen to break the angel that Jacquie gave me on my side table then I will be dead in six months. I flip the blanket and move my walrus body and sure enough I hear the angel fall. I decide not to look and just assume it broke and that I will be dead soon. Get up in the morning and the angel has lost her head and half of a wing. Josephine is over and sees the angel and tells me ‘Grandma don’t worry, Grandpa will fix it.’ So she brought it to Grandpa who fixed it as good as new. If only I could be fixed as easily.

The Art Of Disappearing

2010-01-20T04:39:00.003-06:00

When they say ‘Don’t I know you?’ say no.

When they invite you to the party remember what parties are like before answering. Someone telling you in a loud voice they once wrote a poem. Greasy sausage balls on a paper plate. Then reply.

If they say ‘We should get together.’ say why? It’s not that you don’t love them anymore. You’re trying to remember something too important to forget. Trees. The monastery bell at twilight. Tell them you have a new project. It will never be finished.

When someone recognizes you in a grocery store nod briefly and become a cabbage. When someone you haven’t seen in ten years appears at the door, don’t start singing him all your new songs. You will never catch up.

Walk around feeling like a leaf. Know you could tumble any second. Then decide what to do with your time.

~~ Naomi Shihab Nye ~~

*artwork by Renee Nault

Then And Now

2010-01-19T03:31:00.002-06:00

Then

January 5, 1998

It snowed all day. Mom called at 9 p.m. for Angelique to pick up Pepsi for Dad. I think it was pretty ridiculous that she had to get Pepsi at night in a snowstorm, with a car that has no winter tires. But did I say that, No! Would it have been disrespectful? ‘He preferred to be, rather than to seem good. ~~ Sallust 86-35 BC ~~’

Now

January 19, 2010

I would like Mom or Dad to call for anything and it would not be ridiculous; even in the shape I’m in now I would walk to get the Pepsi in a snowstorm.

Then

January 13, 1998

I was just talking to Mom and told her of a dream I had last night. In the dream I dreamt that Jacquie didn’t want Mom to see me anymore, so Mom asked me not to come around. I was so surprised that I struck my hand out and pushed her in the chest. So I told this to Mom and Mom says ‘Fuck that.’ I started laughing. Then Mom and I were both laughing and she said she won’t be around forever, and that she’ll die sometime. You can’t imagine how those words hit me. I couldn’t even believe my reaction. I started sobbing, almost as though my Mom had just died.

I told Mom that she is the person who gave me my wings, and that besides my children, she is the one person I love more than anyone in this world. I admire her so much. It seems that the older I get, and realize who she is as a woman; I admire and love her more.

I would say that my Mom is fair, loves children and they love her, truly believes that there is always room for one more and practices that. Kind, beautiful, in style, modern, gave me a love of music, open-minded, does not gossip, can keep a secret, tolerant, fun, strict, caring, strong, and much much more.

My Mom is not tolerant of liars, thieves, or fools. And if Mom has something to say, believe me, she will say it. She is also the best grandma in the world.

You can’t die Mom, because I couldn’t handle that. I love you!

Now

January 19, 2010

You are going to die Mom and I realize that because of you and how you have raised me; I will in fact be able to handle that.

Then

January 19, 1998

Angelique drove me to Mom and Dads. I went to clean out the storage room. Mom is getting a dresser and Good Will is coming tomorrow to get all the junk. It didn’t take too long and I was able to bring home a few pictures Mom and Dad gave me.

Now

January 19, 2010

Funny brought home a few more pictures just the other day when we were all cleaning out Mom’s apartment. And just as it was a breeze to do then, it was a breeze to do now.

Then

January 27, 1998

Mom is really upset. Gwen her best friend has cancer. Since Mary and Auntie Gloria have died, Gwen is her only good friend left. Jacquie and I went to Mom and Dad’s house so she could talk about Gwen. We played cards and when we left Mom said she would not be able to sleep that night.

Now

January 19, 2010

Mom is still here and I am still thankful. She has outlived her friends; I wish I could say the same about myself.

Then

January 30, 1998

Dad’s birthday today, so I bought him a t-shirt.

Now

January 19, 2010

My Dad would have been 84 on his birthday and I can tell you people if you don’t think smoking kills you would be wrong. It is the main contributing factor in my father’s death and it will be in my mothers.

L = Angels And Goddesses

2010-01-18T07:55:00.004-06:00

Laila is the Angel of Conception. She is in charge of conception and appointed to guard the spirits at their birth.

I once read about Laila in a children’s book, don’t remember the name of it but it was written by Howard Schwartz. He stated that Laila brings the soul and the seed together and sees to it that the seed is planted in the womb. Laila serves as a midwife of souls.

While the infant grows in the womb, Laila places a lighted candle at the head of the unborn infant so that it can see from one end of the world to the other. Laila also teaches the unborn child the entire Torah as well as the history of its soul.

It is believed that when the person is ready to take leave of this world that Laila will lead it from this world to the next.

Lady of Beasts is the Goddess who is surrounded by members of the animal kingdom. This Goddess’ main role is supporting life on earth. Lady of Beasts shows her kinship with animal totems as a driving force for fertility in the natural world and she is able to assume animal form.

Once upon a time the Lady of Beasts did not have to disappear; at one time she was valued in the feminine as the bountiful Earth Goddess. Around 700 BC the continental Celts began to move into the British Isles bringing with them a culture which valued the more masculine attributes of war, kingship, and heroic exploits. Even though there were still powerful goddesses around, they were becoming subordinate to the gods.

Lady of the Beasts was seen as a threat to the Christian brothers and was eventually downplayed to the point of being a fairy.

Soundless Saturday No. 62

2010-01-16T02:25:00.002-06:00

Fantasy Friday BLD No. 37

2010-01-15T02:48:00.005-06:00

*artwork B by Dilkabear and D by Kay Nielsen

Times Three No. 14

2010-01-14T04:18:00.001-06:00

Hard times, hard times!

Imagine being a loving daughter who sees your Mom almost every day or at the minimum five out of seven days. And then you are dependent on Transit rides for your wheelchair to get you to and from the hospital so you can see your Mom.

Imagine being a loving daughter who wants to get that same Transit ride to the hospital everyday but you are on chemo that is making you terribly sick and are on pills that make your anxiety go through the roof. And then you are lucky if you get to see your Mom once every few weeks.

Imagine if that is the best mother in the world and she is dying and you can’t get to see her. Imagine that you felt the same way when your 25 year old son was a few floors below you at the same hospital you were in and you couldn’t get down to see him; not because of the Transit but because you were getting chemo and radiation and were sick as a dog and when you felt slightly better which you did everyday and went to see your boy it took everything to be able to get there and then you suffered for hours both physically; but mostly mentally.

Hard times, hard times!

Imagine that it is not easy for our darling Jacquie.

Jacquie whom when she gets to heaven God will say ‘well done,’ is not being well done too.

Jacquie feels like a lot of things are getting away from her and she is being left in the dust. Many of us with cancer feel this way especially when we are feeling super ill to boot. And just so you know it always feels especially personal.

Together strong Jacquie.

Follow

2010-01-13T02:52:00.003-06:00

Follow truthfulness even if you think it may harm you, for truthfulness never harms but instead saves. Do not lie even if you think it will protect you. Lying never protects, it only destroys.

~~ the Hadith ~~

*artwork by Melody Sage

Our Warning

2010-01-12T01:22:00.004-06:00

My Mom is dying. Is it better to say my Mom is very ill? If it is, it wouldn’t be right because that of itself is not quite true; as it is more than that. I must keep this real in my own language and state that my Mom is dying.

Boy how we all love our Mom, we, who are so fortunate to have the best mother in the world and I mean bar none. If you think you know how much we all love our Mom than you need to rethink it again.

Mom has been in and out of the hospital over the last six months with different chest problems that are mostly associated to her COPD. At one point they even thought she had the swine flu, which she did not.

My Mom has been in Riverview since before Christmas and has had many tests, one of which was a Mugga Scan that is showing that the arteries from the heart are very weak as they have had to work quite hard for her lungs.

Part of the problem as COPD advances is that the body goes into a panic that it cannot breathe. This is very hard on the heart. After the scan they started my Mom on fentanyl to help trick her brain into thinking she is breathing better so that she does not panic which makes her much weaker that much faster.

So now my Mom gets fentanyl before she eats, goes to the bathroom, sleeps, basically moves period.

There was a family meeting before Christmas and everyone in the city went. I just stayed with my Mom in her room as I had no interest in going to the meeting. For me it would just be the same of what I have heard for the last four years about myself. ‘She is dying; we don’t know how long; etc. etc.’

Mickey told me that the medication was what they give to people in their last stages of life.

Joey said there would be no warning and that when Mom dies, she will just seem to fall asleep. For some reason I was surprised.

Let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want more than all the world your return. ~~ Mary Jean Iron ~~

Shelly was over and we were talking about it and I thought I better clarify. I had thought that we would have time to gather around Mom. Shelly told me that she mentioned in the meeting that we were able to be there with our nephew Sheldon and our Dad at the end and would we have that opportunity. They said no, that we may not even know Mom died right away, we may be talking to her and she will take a breath and just pass away.

Even still I kept thinking maybe we would have a warning and I realized that the fentanyl is our warning. This is the last stages; this is our gathering time; this is our warning; this is our time to gather around.

Shelly and Jeanine are taking care of Mom’s needs and meeting with the doctors and staff. Shelly will be having my Mom come and live with her. Mom is so excited and we are all excited. We are all happy that our Mom will be in a loving home with a loving daughter and Mom will have most of her children able to come and help her.

Shelly and I were talking the other day and I was just saying what a blessing for Shelly. Of course, Jacquie or I would have taken Mom in our homes in a heartbeat had we been able too, but that is not the case; so Shelly is the lucky one.

I said to Shelly ‘Mom was there to usher you into the world Shelly and now you will be able to be there to usher her on her return from the world.’ Talk about full circle.

We all believe that my Mom will live until she dies because that is just how she does it. And as long as my Mom is comfortable I hope this dying takes a very long time.

*artwork by Kelly Vivanco

K = Angels And Goddesses

2010-01-11T04:23:00.003-06:00

Kakabel is the Angel of the Stars and rules over the constellations. He is also known as the Star of God.

Kakabel is a powerful angel and is considered by some to be a holy angel and by others to be a fallen angel. Whether in Heaven or Hell he commands 365,000 spirits and is instrumental in astrology.

Kuan-Yin (also known as Quan Yin in Vietnam; Kannon in Japan, and Kanin in Bali) is special to me because she is special to my darling muse Allegra.

Kuan-Yin is the Chinese Goddess of Compassion and her name means ‘She who hears the weeping world.’ Even after enlightenment Kuan-Yin was willing to keep her human form because of her deep concern for human life. She has never turned away from anyone’s cries, no matter how often she has been asked for mercy and wisdom.

Kuan-Yin encourages her followers to exercise compassion toward all beings and to live non-violent lives. Kuan-Yin is one of the most beloved deities in the Buddhist tradition. She is the embodiment of compassionate loving kindness. As the Bodhisattva of Compassion, she hears the cries of all.

Kuan-Yin is often represented as a many armed figure, with each hand either containing a different cosmic symbol or expressing a specific ritual position or mudra. This characterizes the Goddess as the source and sustenance of all things. When Kuan-Yin’s hands are cupped it is symbolizing the womb as the door for entry to this world through the universal female.

Kuan-Yin is unique among the heavenly hierarchy in that she is so utterly free from pride or vengefulness that she remains reluctant to punish even those who deserve a severe lesson.

Kuan-Yin is the one who regards, looks on, or hears the sounds of the world. She is an enlightened being who embodies the attributes of an all pervasive, all consuming, unwavering loving compassion and makes herself available to everyone.

*artwork of Kakabel by Franz von Stuck

Soundless Saturday No. 61

2010-01-09T04:17:00.003-06:00

Fantasy Friday BLD No. 36

2010-01-08T03:52:00.006-06:00

*artwork B by Zdenko Basic and L by Andy Kehoe and D by Ana Bagayan

50s Housewife Quiz No. 7

2010-01-06T07:50:00.004-06:00

Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

All together gang. ‘Are you for real?’

This is how it went down in the Khan household.

I make the evening his twice a year and that is on Father’s Day and his Birthday. So Wahid is very lucky out of 365 days in a year two of the evenings are his.

Wahid never ever comes home late or goes out to dinner without me. Other places of entertainment he really doesn’t want to go unless I’m with him. He has more fun with me. Although, Wahid does love his horse racing on a Sunday afternoon.

We have always had dinner at 5:00 p.m. Wahid gets home at 4:45 on the nose and if he is even twenty minutes late I know he has gone to the hardware store to buy some welding gloves. And sure enough he comes in at 5:30 all smiles and I play the game of ‘Where the heck were you? We were worried? Did you meet someone? You smell good, is that cologne?’ He laughs his head off.

There is always strain and pressure in a job environment but it is nothing to the strain and pressure of raising kids and that was basically left up to me. So I was the one at work and coming home to more strain and pressure. He was the one who came home and was able to comfortably relax.

Make the evening his (Failed, unless twice a year counts). Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you (Failed, I would have a shit fit if he was going out after work, while I was at home). Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax (Failed and passed, I understand the strain and pressure from work and the need to be home and relax, but really, I would love that too).

What Kinda Bone

2010-01-05T00:24:00.005-06:00

On December 1, 2009 I had the gastroscopy where Dr. Doerksen assumed that there were cancerous tumors in my stomach. Until pathology came back they would not know for sure. On December 16th I called him to find out what was going on as I just couldn’t stand the bat problem. He explained that pathology was having some issues but ‘Yes, in fact there is cancer in the stomach.’

Over the past two weeks I have had more CT scans, bone scans, and blood tests.

Wahid and I were talking yesterday morning before we went to see Dr. Grenier and I was saying how I just felt totally Zen. I just felt whatever is, is; and like he always says we will just deal with it and go through the process.

I have been asking myself the last few nights if it is worse because now another nail has been added to the coffin or if it was worse when I heard almost four years ago. Of course, really none of it is good, but it is better for me now then four years ago. Not the cancer situation of course, but just the realization of this is your life and you have to make the most of it.

On New Years Eve Paula called and asked to move up my appointment on the 4th to 9 a.m. but also wanted to let me know that they still did not have the pathology report done, but that pathology had promised it to her by the end of the day.

Yesterday morning when Wahid and I went to see Dr. Grenier I was seriously expecting to hear her say there was nothing they could do. That wasn’t the case and so that is a good thing.

I received pieces of bone this time: a chip here; a larger piece there; one with marrow; one they didn’t recognize; and one dry and brittle.

Because it is almost unheard of for breast cancer or Inflammatory Breast Cancer to go to the stomach they have got to redo all of the pathology samples and compare them to the original tissue samples that were taken four years ago.

The question on the report is they do not know if the cancer cells are breast cancer cells or stomach cancer cells or even a totally new cancer that has spread from somewhere else. Is this a new cancer originating in the stomach or from another secondary source?

Funny thing, not har har funny, this is all coming from a family with absolutely no history of cancer.

No treatment can be done as yet and will take minimally three weeks to find out what type of cancer it is. Dr. Grenier believes that because I have Stage 4 cancer it is probably 70% chance that it is IBC but there is a 30% chance that it isn’t. Of course they would be treated completely differently so there is nothing we can do now. On the other hand, she hates to wait because in IBC it is just days to weeks to months that things escalate.

In the meantime I will have to keep batting off the bats and choking down the food.

It is not in my liver and so I am thankful for small mercies.

Push on with all your determination, and
just when you feel defeated and blocked,
throw yourself into the gaping abyss before you –
into the ever-burning flame of your own nature.
All illusionary thoughts, feelings, and perceptions
will die with your Me, and your Self-nature will appear.
You will feel resurrected, truly healthy, and filled with joy and peace.

~~ Bassui Tokusho ~~

*artwork by Philip Bishop

My Family

2010-01-02T22:34:00.006-06:00

On October 24, 2009 my amazing and longest time friend on the blogs Julie-Ann Bowden held a contest. This is what she said then.

‘Would love to paint families of earth and heavenleigh angels. Somehow this is where I see myself heading with my art. In this I need to open myself up to painting requests. There is nothing more individual than real people, families, and friends.’

‘The paintings would be in my style and not exact or photographic, this may conflict with what people wish for and in this; is where the struggling comes from.’

‘Would you feel confident enough or like to be painted in my style of art?

Hell Yes!

On October 30, 2009, darling Julie-Ann had a draw and her sweet Charlotte picked out two tickets and I was one of them. Thank you sweet Charlotte.

Is anything more amazingly beautiful? Thank you dear friend, how I love it! I so love it. You have done us proud indeed.

Everyone my family: Don, Angelique, Domenic, Josephine; Wahid, Renee, Nathan; Nadalene and Charlton.

Now everyone, go and get your families painted.

http://heavenleighart.blogspot.com/2010/01/here-is-renee-and-her-beautiful-family.html

*artwork by my dear friend Julie-Ann Bowden

Sheldon's Gift

2010-01-01T07:46:00.003-06:00

When Sheldon was near the end of his life it was very important to him that he be able to donate his organs.

Of course with cancer that was not to be. That made Sheldon sad as he wanted to be able to help others that were here. Sheldon knew that he had no more use for his body and hoped that someone else’s life could be made better.

Sheldon did not know that he would be able to help others when he died. But he did, as a matter of fact he helped two others and all of the people those two others touch.

When I was talking to the people at the organ bank after Sheldon had died and they said because he had cancer it would not be possible to use his organs. I let Jacquie know and she told me to get back in touch with them and see if they could use his eyes.

I called them back and they called Gil back. They could and they did.

Sheldon, our very own God, gave the gift of vision to two other people. Because of Sheldon two other people can do more than just see light.

The cornea is the transparent front part of the eye that covers the iris, pupil, and anterior chamber. Together with the lens the cornea refracts light accounting for approximately two-thirds of the eye’s total optical power and contributes most of the eye’s focusing power.

There are organizations located throughout the world to coordinate the distribution of donated corneas to surgeons. I don’t know exact numbers of people on the waiting lists but I know for example in just the City of Edmonton last year there were over 400 people waiting.

About two weeks after Sheldon died the Lions Eye Bank of Manitoba and Northwestern Ontario sent Jacquie and Gil a letter in the mail telling them how Sheldon had changed two different people’s lives. Jacquie and Camille called me at midnight to let me know the news. It was joyous news.

Because Sheldon always thought of others before himself (it was ingrained in Sheldon) he was able to help two different people. They both received one of his corneas.

This is not a sample of the letter that Jacquie and Gil received but it is a sample of a difference having a cornea donated has made in a young girl’s life and also how truly grateful she is. The young girl is 26 years old and lives in British Columbia (I will call her J).

J was placed on a cornea waiting list and was told that she would wait for a minimum of three or more years. As it turned out she waited four. ‘They called me two days before the operation and said they had a cornea. I was so excited, but then I kept wondering what it was going to be like. The transplant took about an hour with me having a stay in the hospital for about seven hours.’

Within a day J could see the effects of the new cornea. ‘The next morning I took the bandage off of my eye, so I could put in the anti-rejection drugs in my eye, and it was the most amazing thing in the world. I could see. I started to cry. It hit home then that I received a transplant and that someone I didn’t even know gave me sight….it’s really hard to explain.’

‘The frustrating thing is you don’t know how to say thank you. You don’t know the people who made this possible. You wish you could tell them that they’ve made something good come out of their loved one’s death. They gave me back my life.’

Because of someone just as generous as Sheldon, J no longer has to hold back. She is able to lead a normal life.

Please, remember Sheldon and fill out your donor cards. Give the gift of God to others; as you would have them do for you, please do for them.

You made us all better Sheldon. You made us all want to be better.

I miss you every day Sheldon, every single day.

It is a new day of a new year of a new decade. Let us all be inspired by a young man who barely turned 25 before he died. Let us all be inspired by a young man who knew the true meaning of love.

Happy New Year.

Love Renee xoxoxo

*artwork by my dear friend Kathy Hare

Regarding Angelique No. 2

2009-12-31T06:12:00.002-06:00

She is my oldest child. She is my heart walking outside of my body. She is my first experience of selfless love. I was her first home and she was my first resident. She is the oldest of my three children. She has taught me more than I could ever teach her.

My darling girl and her loving husband Don have given me two of the most incredible human beings ever; sweet Josephine and darling Domenic. Domenic was born this year on A.J.’s birthday, needless to say Jacquie is quite thrilled about that. Like all of our kids Angelique is a total split of me and Wahid. She is most like me in that she totally is not judgmental.

I know you want to meet Angelique and I couldn’t blame you.

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2008/12/regarding-angelique.html

She is the oldest of my children, my heart walking outside of my body, my first lesson that I could love someone better than myself. Angelique thank you for the privilege.

Happy Birthday Angelique. Love Mom, Dad, Nadalene, Nathan, Josephine, and Domenic.

*artwork by Kelly Vivanco

Welcome Home

2009-12-30T00:01:00.002-06:00

Bernice died on Monday. The last time I saw Bernice was at Sandi’s funeral, and even though she was very sick she looked beautiful like she always does.

We laughed; she always would make me laugh. Big gold earrings were on those ears of hers of course and she was dressed to the nines.

Sally and I are the only two left from my original support group now that Bernice has died; many friends and many deaths. I loved you all and I always will.

Bernice you wanted to be met at the Gates of Heaven and I believe you will, not only by your parents whom you adored but our dear friends that have helped to lighten our heavy load.

Darlene
Judy
Ilona
Donna
Kris
Kathy
Lee
Cheryl
Pam
Helen
Carol
Sandi
Frances
Barb
Catherine

On Christmas Eve and Boxing Day I banged into Bernice’s husband at Riverview where my Mom still is and Bernice was. He said she wasn’t doing well but he would give her my love.

You wanted peace dear one and I hope that you have found it.

Goodnight dear friend.

Grateful No. 4

2009-12-28T07:54:00.005-06:00

On Christmas Eve I received a treasure chest. It was gold and green speckled and I knew that it would leave an X marked on my heart forever, before I even opened it, I knew it would.

Christmas day arrived with many bangs by the bats. They did not want to go outside to play; they said it was too cold. So inside they stayed. I fed them a little bit of bat poison and they seemed to fall asleep. Good thing.

We had a wonderful Christmas dinner with curry shrimp, dhal purrie, stewed chicken, trifle and wine.

We sang to Domenic ‘Domenicky nicky nicky nicky Domenicky nicky doo.’ We had tea served to us out of jeweled cups poured by Ms. Josephine using her Mrs. Potts teapot. I even got to drink out of Chip. She wheeled it around on its magic cart and how delicious it was to have invisible tea with nonexistent milk and fairy dust sugar. Nathan was quite happy as he scored the best gift for Josephine.

We opened our gifts to each other and we all thanked and hugged one another. We all loved our gifts, all of our many gifts. We are so blessed.

When we were done Nathan suggested that we all open the treasure chest and so we did. Oh what fun we had. Oh how blessed we felt.

We opened the box.

We gasped.

You took our breath away. You all did.

To see the astonishing gifts blossoming in front of us, the treasure was overflowing. Not only with gifts of love but with stunning splendor and glittering unexpected magic.

We sounded like broken records saying ‘How can people be so generous. Look at this. How beautiful. How talented. How kind. How thoughtful. How humbled we are.’

What did you do you lovely, lovely friends?

You have given not only me these gifts, but all of us. You have given my children memories that they will always have. ‘Remember the time all those wonderful people sent all those wonderful gifts for Mom. And not only Mom but Auntie Jacquie too. Remember that Christmas as we all unwrapped something one at a time and marveled together.’

You blew us away.

The treasure chest full of treasure did more than make us happy, that would be an understatement. It was something else entirely, almost otherworldly. It was as though you were sitting there with us sharing love and fellowship, right there in that room with the Christmas tree in the corner and the family in awe. You were all with us. It was truly spiritual.

Blessed be your hands, with which you have touched life in its beauty and in its need. You have given your hand in friendship, held out your hands to those who were suffering, worked with your hands to create. May your hands be blessed and held firmly in the hands of the Eternal forever. ~~ Kosu Boudreau ~~

I have received many other Christmas treasures too, no they were not in the treasure box, but they were picked up off the sand on the way to the treasure. They were treasure that led me to more treasure; treasure that was just as treasured as the treasure in the box. I have had many dear friends mention on their blogs what has been happening in my life and asking for prayers of loving energy. I have had paintings done and poems written and I want you all to know I will never forget this.

So many of the things we think about within our lives such as jobs, houses, possessions, etc. they count for almost nothing, really. Our lives are about people, and the people that we love.

Truth be told, we are all better when we are together, not because we need each other but because of our faith and trust in each other.

You all remind me that I am doing more than surviving this world and so are my kids and so are all of you. We are all thriving, and one of the reasons is because we have found each other and made love happen! Our hearts have met and that is what is important.

I hope it is okay with everyone if I don’t mention the gift but just your names. The gifts are amazing and they consisted of paintings and boxes and a sacred spiral and ornaments, and necklaces, and dolls and silk scarves, and more cards and paintings and books and poems, and the most beautiful hanging bird that held a dream, healing eucalyptus, and a Renee Angel and a Jacquie Angel, and slippers that were made with bliss in every stitch and a scarf that I know was made the same way and a tea that was specially made to banish bats and an angel cup to drink the banishing tea. On and on and on they go; but I know that it is your heart that mattered; the heart that you put into the gifts.

Thank you dear friends:

Julie-Ann
kj and JB
Silke
Manon
Bella
Sweet Mango
Bonnie
Betty
Angela
Arija
BT
Corey
Marie
Debra
Manon
Laurel
Sarah
Tessa
Ribbon
Constance
Babs
Doris
Mim
Baino
Darla
Elizabeth
Ces
Pam
Deborah
Linda
Sonia
Lori Ann
Kelly
Caroline
Lulu
Annie
Jos

If I have forgotten anyone, please forgive me, and let me know as I would like to add you to the list. It will be entirely my fault as my brain is a sieve.

Jacquie, Camille, Nadalene and I sat at Jacquie’s going through the same magical routine with her gifts that were sent to her and she; like me, was humbled too. When Angelique, Josephine, Domenic and I had arrived at Jacquie’s she was crying and very sad. Everyone was able to go see our Mom at the hospital as she is very sick but Jacquie couldn’t just get up and go like everyone else. Jacquie had to stay home and miss our Mom from afar. It isn’t easy for Jacquie. When Nadalene and I left at night instead of tears Jacquie was smiling and ever so grateful for all the kindness that you have all extended to her. She remembered that there is a world that people do care for others. Jacquie asked that I let you all know that she is forever grateful.

I am forever grateful to each and every one of you for the support that you have shown to me. I am glad to know that you all inhabit part of this space with me.

Love Renee xoxo

*Nathan opening our treasure chest

Regarding Mickey

2009-12-27T00:07:00.004-06:00

I was born when my sister Mickey was just a little over 4 years old. Mickey had two older brothers and two older sisters; she was the 3rd girl born and the 5th child in a family that would be comprised of 13 children.

Many of my earliest memories of Mickey are of us in bed. How we talked the evenings and nights away. We banished the others from only what we two could hear. Mickey is considered the beauty of the family. In reality Mickey is that combination of beauty and brains. Together we are a kick-ass trivial pursuit team.

I have so many memories of Mickey from my childhood. I remember Mickey always letting me wear her clothes to school and I loved them. She worked and bought her own stuff and I was too young to work, but old enough to wear such cool clothes. Mickey would never let anyone else wear them. Only me! One time Colette or Jacquie or Camille had on a top of Mickey’s and when she got home Mickey had a total shit-fit. They would say ‘You let Renee wear it.’ Mickey would say “So, get it off now.”

Camille reminded me the other day of how one time she put on Mickey’s bra and Mickey went berserk yelling ‘You don’t even have anything to put in there.’

Between us Mickey and I have had 20 ear operations. I have had six and Mickey has had 14. My first ear operation was done at the same time as one of Mickey’s. We shared a hospital room together. I was only about 12 and so Mickey would have been 16. My friends were not allowed in the hospital as we were too young but Mickey’s friends were. I still remember her telling them all; night after night that they would have to leave as she was tired, but really it was just so that we could talk alone together.

Mickey and I had the most fun when we worked together. Oh what a blast eh Mickey?

We would have candies and I might cough and shove one in my mouth and then pass Mickey some too and she would cough and put one in her mouth har har. I don’t even know what that was all about.

Mickey tells me one of the girls at work thinks Mickey has put a curse on her and we laugh our heads off. Mickey is perplexed by the whole thing but I personally think it is hilarious. Like fuck yeah, Mickey just put a curse on you. Right! So I proceed to spread the word that people must be aware as Mickey has the ability of cursing people, and almost killed someone once with her bad thoughts about them.

We worked with this one girl Gerpal who was such a weirdo in the strangest way possible. She literally would scratch herself all the time. I am talking about scratching herself in private physical places in public places. Mickey and I are talking and Gerpal comes up to me and says ‘Oh your gaining weight, what’s going on? Are you pregnant?’ Mickey still laughs today because I said “What’s it to you scratchy snatch? Go have a shower.’

Mickey is my ultimate tag-team partner. Pity the man that gets in our clutches, his head will spin within minutes. Remember the men Mickey, putty in our hands.

I am Mickey’s favourite and of that there is no doubt. After all, really, who else is there?

Mickey is the family speech maker. We have an event, Mickey gives the speech. She not only gives them she writes them too. She is as clever as they come and as beautiful as the day is long. In every family speech Mickey states that Dad and Mom love her best and everyone in the room groans ‘yea right’ and then Mickey corrects it and says okay Dad and Mom love Renee best and everyone says ‘yes that is right.’

Describing Mickey I would say that she is a very attractive woman. When Mickey laughs she lights up the city. Mickey has gorgeous eyes and she is sincere, funny, super funny, kind, and will do anything for someone that she loves. I am happy that Mickey is my sister.

When Sheldon and Jacquie were in the hospital Mickey barely ever left it. While I was with Sheldon; Mickey would be with Jacquie. While I devoted my energy to Sheldon, Mickey devoted her energy to Jacquie.

For when three sisters love each other with such sincere affection, the one does not experience sorrow, pain, or affliction of any kind, but the other’s heart wishes to relieve, and vibrates in tenderness….like a well-organized musical instrument. ~~ Elizabeth Shaw ~~

I love my sister and she means the world to me. Mickey thank you for the privilege.

Happy 58th Birthday Mickey. Love Renee, Wahid, Angelique, Nadalene, Nathan, Josephine and Domenic.

*artwork by Kelly Vivanco

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T00:40:00.015-06:00

Merry Christmas to all of you from all of us. May you be with all the people you love the most. If you cannot be; remember your loved ones and know that no matter where they are they are still with you.

Love the Khan Family xoxoxo

*picture Renee and Wahid

Christmas

2009-12-24T07:32:00.003-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3HNklYvejk

*artwork by Christopher Denise

BLD No. 16

2009-12-24T07:23:00.004-06:00

Dad cooking in the kitchen and making the best stuffing in the world. Our turkey was cooked in a brown paper bag. Dad of the big gestures giving Mom the most extravagant gifts which she always loved.

Mom always looking beautiful and giving the kids tons of kisses and hugs and saying that Santa was going to be coming later that night.

Harry pushing his hair back and wearing a black leather vest, having his name called out to come and get his gift.

Kathy getting fabric from Nana and tossing it on the table.

Mom’s golden boy Dwain getting a drum set that Harry had convinced them to get Dwain because Harry said Dwain was really talented, and he was and still is.

Suzie getting a watch and fainting at Mass.

Mickey getting her Christmas presents marked with ‘Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday.’

Camille wearing a blue dress and shutting the car door before I got in and they left me at church.

Jacquie wearing a brown dress that matched Camille’s blue one. Jacquie getting new pajamas that matched Camilles’. Jacquie getting more stuffed animals.

Me getting to open the Sears Christmas catalogue. Me getting left at church and brought home by a stranger on Christmas Day (they never even knew I was missing). Me getting a cowgirl doll that even had an extra outfit. Me leaning against Mom while the adults and older kids played poker.

Colette and me sitting on plush stuffed sit-on dogs by the Christmas tree.

Lori doing the baking and making fudge. Lori getting a doll that was as big as she was.

Gerry is Santa and is the best Santa we ever had. Gerry awake on Christmas morning wrapped in a blanket which he would sit in all day.

Shelly is getting little troll dolls and always has long hair.

Joey is getting some kind of keys. Joey are they for a car or a mini-bike? Joey hating that I am the one to take him to his hockey games.

Have a wonderful evening everyone.

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2008/12/wednesdays-women-no-11.html

*artwork D by Anita Philips

Gabriel's Message

2009-12-23T08:39:00.003-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GF2BzUDeTkY&feature=fvw

BLD No. 15

2009-12-23T08:29:00.006-06:00

I remember it being one of the potato times. The times where we had potato soup and potato fries and potato pancakes and bread with margarine dunked in sugar.

We were rich. We had it all.

It was the year that we received doctor’s kits. I don’t know who all got them, but a few of us did. The kits were new and they were special because we all received a doll that was broken and were told that Santa had fallen down the chimney and had wanted special girls that would take care of and love the dolls with their broken finger, or chipped nose or missing leg.

Each doll had a new dress on, or it appeared new as my Mom made sure they were sparkling clean.

Oh the hours we spent loving and mending those dolls.

Our home was an earlier heaven.

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2008/12/b-l-d-no-18.html

*artwork by Christine Pym

Little Drummer Boy

2009-12-22T08:11:00.004-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_zMhSjDqvRs

BLD No. 14

2009-12-22T08:00:00.006-06:00

Angelique sucks at baking like me, but this she can make like no one’s business.

7-Layer Magic Square

½ cp butter
1 ½ cps graham cracker crumbs
14 oz can sweetened condensed milk
1 cp butterscotch flavoured chips
1 cp semi-sweet chocolate chips
1 1/3 cps flaked coconut
1 cp chopped walnuts

Preheat oven to 325 degrees for a glass dish.

Place butter in a 13x9 pan and melt in the oven.

Sprinkle crumbs over butter and then pour condensed milk evenly on top of crumbs.

Top with remaining ingredients in order listed. Press down firmly with fork.

Bake 25 minutes or until lightly browned.

Cool and cut into bars.

Eat as many as you want because you can always make another pan.

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2008/12/b-l-d-no-7_17.html

*artwork B by Linda Olafsdottir and D by Christopher Denise

You're A Mean One

2009-12-21T06:57:00.002-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MPBS7dVrE1U

BLD No. 13

2009-12-21T06:49:00.005-06:00

Time for a game of Christmas trivia, yes Mickey you and I are partners.

Questions:

In the Polar Express movie, what is the first gift of Christmas?

What is the name of the rabbit in the magic hat in Frosty the Snowman?

How much did Lucy charge for a psychiatric session in the classic Christmas TV special ‘A Charlie Brown Christmas?’

What was the most likely reason that The Grinch hated Christmas?

What was the name of the angel in ‘It’s a Wonderful Life?’

Answers:

A bell from Santa’s sleigh.

Hocus Pocus.

5 cents please.

His heart was two sizes too small.

Clarence

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2008/12/b-l-d-no-16.html

*artwork B by Terri Murphy and L by Christian Birmingham

Soundless Saturday No. 60

2009-12-19T08:45:00.001-06:00

Bats

2009-12-18T07:46:00.004-06:00

Did I tell you that I have a colony of bats who hang upside down in my guts? Well I do.

All day long they fly around and hit the walls of whatever is inside those guts. Bang, bang, bang, BANG, BANG, bang, bang……..BANG, BANG…..

It is not comfortable to say the least.

You know it is hard to maintain my girlish figure of 217 pounds and right now I am worried about doing so as I am always starving and can’t get things down my throat. Either because the tumors are pressing on the esophagus and won’t let me swallow or whatever I’ve eaten hits my stomach and makes me nauseated.

I feel like I did when I was on taxotere and now I’m not even on it and feel like shit.

Bang, bang, bang, BANG, BANG, bang, bang……..BANG, BANG…..

I have spent a few nights retching my guts up and nothing comes up. It is blocked and so all I do is retch and retch and feel like I cannot breath.

Angelique was over the first night with the kids and ended up having to clean me up and the floor, poor girl. Nadalene came over later and I was able to sleep.

The next time Nadalene came over and lied beside me and helped me feel better. Angelique came over later with Domenic but I was asleep by then.

Nathan and Wahid take earlier shifts listening to me call for pail, water, cloth, they hear me choke out ‘Sit on my bed and don’t move in case I can’t breath. Don’t leave me alone.’

I need them to listen to me try to catch my breath. I need them to bare witness to my misery. It is not easy and I just want to feel better.

Bang, bang, bang, BANG, BANG, bang, bang……..BANG, BANG…..

I have now added a new trick to my repertoire I foam at the mouth. Funny, yes and no! Funny in the ‘what the fuck is that next department’ but not funny in the ‘for Christ’ sake it feels like I’m choking on foam.’

Also I am very selfish and always have been. I catch myself complaining to dear Jacquie all about this and hardly ask how she is because I’m so wretched myself. And Jacquie who is as unselfish as they come cries over me.

Feliz Navidad

2009-12-17T08:10:00.002-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AnKD81Fsh9c&feature=related

*artwork by Gabriel Fabry

BLD No. 12

2009-12-17T07:54:00.005-06:00

Wahid proved to himself that there was no Santa Claus when he was just six years old. On Christmas Eve he tied a sock to one of the springs under his bed and in the morning he looked to see if Santa had filled it. He hadn’t so Wahid felt he had proved that Santa didn’t exist.

I have been wondering if I did my kids a bad turn by buying them pretty Christmas stockings. I got Josephine and Domenic ones made this year too.

The problem with them is they never have to dig for a clean sock. I remember that being so much fun.

Oh chaos of a different kind, how I miss you.

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2008/12/b-l-d-no-15.html

*artwork D by Elizabeth O. Dulemba

December = 12

2009-12-16T08:06:00.003-06:00

Do you celebrate Christmas? Do I ever. Christmas has been and still is my favourite time of year. I like that everyone is kinder and more loving. I love the soft edge around people almost as if their corners have been covered by a nice layer of snow.

Have you ever been kissed under the mistletoe? I have been kissed under plastic mistletoe but never real mistletoe which is going to change. I am going to go and buy some this year. And than Wahid pucker up.

Get anything special last year? Last year Jacquie bought me a digital camera and gave it to me before Christmas. I love it. Horrible, I don’t even remember what I got last year from anyone else.

What do you want for Christmas this year? All kinds of things, most of which I cannot have. I want to be able to swallow food without feeling like I am choking. Also to stop retching would be nice too.

The Holly

2009-12-15T07:57:00.002-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_FvE-z8xV1g&feature=related

BLD No. 11

2009-12-15T07:48:00.004-06:00

In Tudor times (16th century) the traditional meat was swan, goose or woodcock if they could be caught. That all changed in 1523 when turkey was first introduced and King Henry the VIII got his first taste of it.

The Tudors would also have eaten venison, peacock (which was skinned and roasted then put back inside the cured skin with the feathers on as a table decoration) and wild boar which was often the centre piece of the mean.

There is a long tradition of having a boars head for feasts, possibly originating from an Anglo-Saxon tradition of sacrificing the boar for their Yuletide celebrations. It would be carried into banqueting halls on a dish of gold or silver and was accompanied by trumpets and the songs of minstrels.

Another common Christmas dish was Souse which was pickled pigs feet and ears and then there was the Christmas Pie. The pie consisted of a pigeon inside a partridge inside a chicken inside a goose inside a turkey, which was then put in a pastry case called a coffin and served surrounded by hare and other game birds.

The Tudors enjoyed their mince pies which had far more significance than they do today. They were made with thirteen ingredients which represented Jesus and his Apostles and were mixed with mutton which represented the shepherds.

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2008/12/b-l-d-no-13.html

*artwork D by Janet Samuel

Silent Night

2009-12-14T08:13:00.003-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Z0O4Fd16Xc&feature=related

*artwork by Baron Arild Rosenkrantz

BLD No. 10

2009-12-14T08:02:00.006-06:00

Love all and hate none. Mere talk of peace will avail you naught. Mere talk of God and religion will not take you far.

Be a blazing fire of truth, be a beauteous blossom of love, and be a soothing balm of peace. With your spiritual light, dispel the darkness of ignorance; dissolve the clouds of discord and war and spread goodwill, peace, and harmony among the people.

Never seek any help, charity, or favors from anybody except God. Never go to the courts of kings, but never refuse to bless and help the needy and the poor, the widow, and the orphan, if they come to your door.

This is your mission, to serve people. Carry it out dutifully and courageously.

~~ Hazrat Khuaja ~~

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2008/12/b-l-d-no-12.html

*artwork B by my darling friend Ces and D by Christine Pym

Soundless Saturday No. 59

2009-12-12T09:04:00.001-06:00

Don We Now

2009-12-11T08:08:00.003-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efBLyAve1fI&feature=related

*artwork by Thomas Cooper Gotch

BLD No. 9

2009-12-11T07:55:00.006-06:00

Shelly was telling Angelique and I about this site with an interactive Santa Claus.

http://santa.sympatico.ca/home/

Angelique did it for Josephine and she just loves it. She was showing me it on Tuesday and kept saying to Angelique ‘Mama my email.’

It is super adorable and comes on like there is interference from the North Pole.

At one point Santa says ‘Oh I see you want candy for Christmas.’ Because that is what Josephine says she wants.

Anyway, totally adorable! Now get over there and hook up your kids or grandchildren. They even have one for grumpy teenagers.

How adorable to get an email like this.

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2008/12/b-l-d-no-11.html

*artwork B by Tom Browning and L by Victoria Ball and D by Walsh Works

Amazing Grace

2009-12-09T07:59:00.002-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UvYIjFtPQEk&feature=related

BLD No. 8

2009-12-09T07:50:00.007-06:00

Christmas cranberry highball anyone?

1 ½ oz rum
1 ½ oz pineapple juice
½ oz triple sec
3 oz cranberry juice
1 oz raspberry juice

Shake ingredients in a cocktail shaker with ice. Strain and pour into a highball glass. Just before drinking telling each person you are with why they are so important.

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2008/12/b-l-d-no-9.html

*artwork L by my mental swan Sarah Sullivan

Regarding Daisy No. 2

2009-12-07T17:40:00.003-06:00

My mother is amazing. Not because she is beautiful or tough as nails or because she never gives up or because in the 50s and 60s she thought it was retarded how women behaved. No, she is amazing simply because she is.

When I was having the gastroscopy last week and she was still in the hospital they would come to try to give her tests and she was telling them to go away because she is saying the rosary, her daughter is having tests and so the rosary could not be interrupted.

It is my Mom’s birthday today and if you want to treat yourself to an original character then check this out.

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2008/12/regarding-daisy.html

I know more and more that the faith my mother has put in me is the same faith I have put into my children. I love you Mom and thank you for the privilege.

Happy 83rd Birthday Mom. Love Renee, Wahid, Angelique, Nadalene, Nathan, Josephine, and Domenic.

*artwork by Kelly Vivanco

A Scottish Soldier

2009-12-07T17:32:00.002-06:00

Especially for you on your birthday Mom.

xoxoxo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCSB_BiNSZo&feature=related

BLD No. 7 (2)

2009-12-07T16:54:00.006-06:00

Now just pray you don’t get any of this crap for Christmas. And seriously people these gag gifts are ridiculous and nobody wants them.

New York based stupid.com ten worst Christmas gifts for 2009:

Swine flu survival kit – has everything you’ll need to survive this nasty H1N1.

Dog poo Christmas ornament – the ornament does not smell but is so vile looking it will make you sick anyway.

Life vest for golf balls – a tiny orange flotation device is custom-made to fit over your golf ball.

Freudian slippers -- these plush slippers feature a stuffed Sigmund on the front and can help your anxiety, paranoia, and obsession melt away.

Wall Street finance chimp – since the stock market has been run by monkeys, for the cost of a few bananas you can get financial advice.

Choke the annoying chicken – anger management toy, you can choke the chicken and it goes away dancing and strutting to the chicken dance.

Belching beer pager – with a click of the remote your beer holder will burp loudly and light up from as far as 60 feet away.

Talking toilet paper – no more boring bowel movements, you can record your own voice for six seconds and when people pull the toilet paper they will hear you and think you are with them.

Obama dress up kit – you get outfits and can decide to dress him up how you like.

Reindeer food for humans – a bowl of reindeer pellets that is fun and safe for human consumption.

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2008/12/b-l-d-no-7.html

*artwork L by Helz Cuppleditch and D by Victoria Ball

Oh Christmas Tree

2009-12-06T08:52:00.001-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=caGuXTA8Tx8&feature=related

BLD No. 6 (2)

2009-12-06T08:43:00.005-06:00

Okay grab a seat and let’s play. I’m going to grab a drink too, does anyone want one? I’m going to have amber rum and coke in a tall glass with some lime.

I’m cozy, let the games begin. Ummmm; I think we should do the bible.

Questions:

How many wise men were there? (3, 4, or the bible does not say)

Did Joseph meet the wise men? (yes, no, the bible does not say)

What animal did Mary ride to Bethlehem? (donkey, small horse, llama, the bible does not say)

The Holy Family named the child ‘Jesus’ because? (an angel told Mary to use the name, an angel told Joseph to use the name, all of the above, none of the above)

What type of building was Jesus born in? (stable, cave, inn, the bible does not say)

What animals were present at the Nativity? (cattle, sheep, doves, all of the above, the bible does not say)

Who besides the wise men saw the star? (shepherds, King Herod’s astrologers, the bible does not say)

How did the star compare in brightness with the other stars? (brighter, equivalent, a faint glow over the horizon, the bible does not say)

How soon after Joseph and Mary reached Bethlehem was Jesus born? (within minutes, that night, the bible does not say)

Answers:

How many wise men were there? (The bible does not say, although tradition suggests there were three wise men, as in the carol ‘We Three Kings of Orient Are’ the bible actually does not give the number of Magi.)

Did Joseph meet the wise men? (The bible does not say, Matthew writes that the magi found the Child with Mary, but makes no mention of Joseph.)

What animal did Mary ride to Bethlehem? (The bible does not say, although it would be a long walk for a pregnant woman from Nazareth to Bethlehem, the bible does not state whether Mary rode an animal or not.)

The Holy Family named the child ‘Jesus’ because? (All of the above, in Luke the Angel Gabriel tells Mary to use the name Jesus and in Matthew an angel tells Joseph to use the name Jesus.)

What type of building was Jesus born in? (The bible does not say, although Luke tells us that the baby was placed in a manger, there is no mention of where the manger was located.)

What animals were present at the Nativity? (The bible does not say, despite the line from ‘Away in a Manger that the cattle were lowing, the poor baby wakes,’ there is no mention of which animals were present.)

Who besides the wise men saw the star? (The bible does not say, there is only mention in Matthew that the wise men from the East came asking ‘Where is the child who has been born king of the Jews? For we observed his star at its rising, and have come to pay him homage.’)

How did the star compare in brightness with the other stars? (The bible does not say, it is mentioned in Matthew that the three wise men saw it on its rising and had followed it, there is nothing about its brightness.)

How soon after Joseph and Mary reached Bethlehem was Jesus born? (The bible does not say, in Luke it mentions ‘While they were there, the time came for her to deliver her child.’)

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2008/12/b-l-d-no-6.html

*artwork D by Ruth Palmer

Soundless Saturday No. 58

2009-12-05T08:31:00.002-06:00

*artwork by my darling friend Bella Sinclair

Go Tell It

2009-12-05T08:13:00.005-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G45ktb9JiBs&feature=related

BLD No. 5 (2)

2009-12-05T08:05:00.005-06:00

Christmas decorations; how do I love thee, let me count the ways. I am a sucker for all things Christmas. I have a small house and over the last few years I have only put up ¼ of the decorations and it still looks crowded.

Symbolism of some things you will probably see at Christmas. I will have all displayed in my home and if not displayed wrapped up in a box in the crawlspace.

Star: a heavenly sign of prophecy fulfilled long, long ago -- symbolizing the shining hope of mankind.

Red (the colour): the first colour of Christmas -- symbolizing the Savior’s sacrifice for all.

Evergreen (the colour and tree): the second colour of Christmas -- symbolizing everlasting life, as well, the needles of the tree point up to heaven.

Bell: rings out to guide the lost sheep back to the fold -- symbolizing that all are precious in God’s eyes.

Candle: a mirror of starlight -- symbolizing the reflection of our thanks for the Star of Bethlehem.

Gift Bow: tying the present together – symbolizing that we should all be tied together in bonds of goodwill.

Candy Cane: the shape of the shepherd’s crook –symbolizing the love of the shepherd and the need to bring lost lambs back to the fold.

Wreath: having no end –symbolizing the never ending eternal value of love.

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2008/12/b-l-d-no-5.html

It's A Marshmallow

2009-12-04T07:51:00.004-06:00

(When being pissed to the eyeballs was still acceptable.)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDojaTFEP9k

BLD No. 4 (2)

2009-12-04T07:39:00.006-06:00

Is your Christmas tree real or artificial and when do you put it up? Our Christmas tree is real and we put it up the weekend before Christmas. This year Wahid and Nathan will go get it on the 18th of December. They will both come through the front door and place it in the stand. There it will sit over night and get use to the temperature in the house. Just before we decorate it on the Saturday with Josephine and Domenic of course, Wahid will lie on the ground turning it over and over and I will say ‘It is too much to the right, too much to the left, too bald, too full, etc.’ We will all be there and I can play it out for you. Wahid will put the lights on and I will say ‘At least try to hide the wires better than that.’ Angelique will make us tea and sit and watch. Nadalene will help decorate. Nathan will watch and throw the odd thing on the tree. We will all stare at Josephine and Domenic with the tree lights reflecting the stars in their eyes and be transported to a place where all is right with the world.

Do you know why Christmas is celebrated around the world? No I don’t really know at all. I imagine because it is the season of goodwill and peace. Or at least that is what we want it to be. But why it would be celebrated around the world, I don’t know. Obviously we are not celebrating for the religious aspect, but maybe because all of us no matter what the religion hope for peace and so what we are celebrating is the idea of peace.

Do you see your relatives at Christmas? Yes I see relatives during Christmas, usually the same relatives I see all of the time. I am hoping that I dream of Sheldon and my Dad this Christmas season and can hold on to them again.

Did it snow last year at Christmas? Last year we had lots of snow at Christmas. We had the most gorgeous snow last year; fluffy white marshmallow snow. There is just a little bit of snow on the ground now which is the shits because it makes it very slippery. If there was more snow our feet would have something to grip on to.

Do you try to be better during the Christmas season? I do try to be better. I try to keep any anger away. I try to live in the moment the most at Christmas. I try to cherish all of the moments and can’t help but wonder if it will be my last.

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2008/12/b-l-d-no-4.html

DO THEY KNOW......

2009-12-03T06:48:00.003-06:00

My darling sister, my dearest friend, my children’s confidante wrote me something too beautiful not to share.

DO THEY KNOW …..
the enchantment,
the beauty and glow,
the sharing and caring,
the peace and the fighting,
true sadness and sorrow
do they know …..

~~ by Jacquie ~~

*artwork by Nicoletta Ceccoli

Please Come Home

2009-12-03T06:42:00.003-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=456SYv0etCs

BLD No. 3 (2)

2009-12-03T06:32:00.006-06:00

What better way is there to get all dreamy about Christmas and prep on feeling good than watching some sweet movies with the people you love most? In my case, the people (usually Wahid) cannot mind that I am almost deaf and have the volume at the max.

Now watching these movies together will mean that I will watch and Wahid will fall asleep on me.

How The Grinch Stole Christmas

Snow White

Chocolat

Big Fish

The Polar Express

Amelie

Love Actually

Elf

Priscilla, Queen of the Desert

March Of The Penquins

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2008/12/b-l-d-no-3.html

Dude

2009-12-02T07:55:00.001-06:00

Dude

I asked for one fucking thing, but you couldn’t deliver.

No breaks.

Results from gastroscopy shows suspicion of cancer in stomach and pressing on esophagus.

Oh yeah…….

Amen.

What Child Is This

2009-12-02T07:49:00.002-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULzXJ6PAnco

*artwork by Marianne Stokes

BLD No. 2 (2)

2009-12-02T07:42:00.005-06:00

I told Angelique I wanted her cranberry sauce recipe and she laughed. ‘Mom it is the recipe off of a bag of cranberries.’ That doesn’t matter I tell her. I love it and you make it and so I want to share it.

I laughed last night when I got the recipe because I told Angelique even with the news we got; the show must go on with my blog and so when she sent me this, she called it ‘The show must go on.’

Cranberry Sauce

¾ cup white sugar
1 cup water
1 (12 ounce) package fresh cranberries

In a medium saucepan over medium heat, dissolve the sugar in the water. Stir in cranberries and cook until they start to pop (about ten minutes). Remove from heat, and transfer to bowl. Cranberry sauce will thicken as it cools.

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2008/12/b-l-d-no-2.html

Do They Know

2009-12-01T06:45:00.002-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8jEnTSQStGE&feature=related

BLD No. 1 (2)

2009-12-01T06:40:00.006-06:00

Christmas is around the corner and I know that we are all very busy at this time of year. I want to make sure that you all have breakfast, lunch, and dinner (unfortunately I do not know who most of the artists are that are supplying us with nourishment).

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2008/12/b-l-d-no-1.html

Regarding Nadalene No. 2

2009-11-30T07:46:00.005-06:00

She is the younger of my two daughters, my second child, and my awakening.

Nadalene is married to someone she loves (the rest of us love Charlton too). Like all of our kids, Nadalene is a total split between me and Wahid. I think she is most like me in her firmness and knowing what she knows.

Do you want to meet Nadalene? I’m sure you do.

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2008/11/regarding-nadalene.html

She is the younger of my two daughters, my second child, and my awakening. Nadalene thank you for the privilege.

Happy Birthday Nadalene! Love Mom, Dad, Angelique, Nathan, Josephine, and Domenic.

*artwork by Kelly Vivanco

Soundless Saturday No. 57

2009-11-28T07:44:00.004-06:00

Fantasy Friday BLD No. 35

2009-11-27T07:47:00.009-06:00

*artwork B by Mike Brown and L by Lisa Falzon

Happy Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T08:14:00.004-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving to all the loveliest friends a person could have. Especially to you my dear Heidi.

Let us all be thankful and of good cheer. Let us show compassion and love wherever we go.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wktlwCPDd94

*artwork by Matthew Buckingham