Thursday, 9 September 2010

Carrying On




It has been six months today since my Mom died. Funny (or not so funny) thing though, it feels like an eternity. It feels like a lifetime ago. It feels so long ago that I had my Mom around to visit and talk with. It's almost like she was just a most wonderful dream and I never really had her at all. It is a terrible feeling to think this way but sometimes I wonder if my brain is doing this to just make things easier. I hope to fast forward to a time when I can think of my Mom and smile at the memories that seemed just like yesterday. I hope I can get to a place where I can close my eyes and and see her or talk to her without it seeming like a forced one way connection. I do hope that I can close my eyes and feel her cheek when she would kiss me goodbye and I could smile instead of cry.


Anyway, I never thought I would still be writing on this blog. I would never want it to turn into one long lament for my Mom or my families loss. I had planned to say a few last words and I guess I had more to say than I thought. But I really think I have stuck around because of all of you who have shared your stories and your blessings. Truthfully (and I never thought that I might feel this way), I have been the most comforted by all of your comments. I have still not had a chance to re-read them as I had hoped to do but I could never thank you all enough for taking the time to share a bit of yourself and your story and help me in such innumerable ways. I don't know if it's because those around me have also lossed my Mom in their life or if others don't know what to say, but I will always look back at this blog for your words of wisdom, strength and comfort.


Anyway, I am not quite finished with this blog yet but I did want to post 'Desiderata' in memory of Mom. She often read it to us, she had a poster of it in the basement and it was the only reading she requested as a must at her funeral. I remember her telling me that she came across it when she was about 15 or 16 years old in a record shop and it struck her so deeply and evidently, it was important to her her whole life.




Desiderata (by Max Ehrmann)

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.


Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.


Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.


Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.


You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.


Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life
keep peace with your soul.


With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

71 comments:

Jackie said...

Dear Angelique,
I am so happy that you still post here . I miss your mother's comments on my blog . It is still hard to believe that she is gone .Thank you for posting those beautiful words . I think thats the way your mom lived her life. She touched us all so deeply . I found it very encouraging tonight to read those words and know how much they meant to Renee.I think of her often and Jaquie as well.
Hugs
Jackie

Anonymous said...

Annia

The photo you chose was perfect - it feels like a century ago we had innocence, a mother and a place in this world. We were not orphans of love.

"Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune"

Hang on to this sentence from Desiderata as I do in hopes it will carry us through the darkness.

Love you

Nadia

nollyposh said...

<3 <3 <3 Thankyou <3 <3 <3

Debra She Who Seeks said...

I was thinking of your Mom this afternoon -- remembering some of her blog posts and some of the funny comments she left on mine. I didn't realize it was the 6 month anniversary of her passing. Hello Renee!

deb said...

I never really know what to say.
I give thanks , still, for the time that Renee blessed my life,

I have always loved that poem.
It doesn't surprise me that she did.

peace and love to you .

Gloria said...

It's hard to believe that it has been 6 months. Sometimes I feel she is still here, right here in this blog. It's where I feel her. I picture her looking at the same screen, same pictures, same music and her essence flows all around. We will always miss Renee who befriended us all. Desiderata is a beautiful read and one that is so Renee. I hope you are never done with this blog. Blessings to you and yours. Renee, you are always missed and will remain in our hearts forever. ::hugs:: Thanks Angelique for this post.

Limner said...

I needed reading this as much as it needed writing. I'm glad you're able to carry on.

A poster of the Desiderata hung on my wall once. Seems a life time ago. Thanks for reminding me that it's time to buy another copy.

Be well.

Ces said...

Ah, I am not surprised why your Mom chose Desiderata, for she lived its message. The other day, I was reading old posts and read your Mother's comments. Oh my goodness. I was so overcome first with sadness. I miss her very much, but her comments were so wise, funny, outrageous. I can actually see her banging he hands on the table or the keyboard as she wrote because she was was laughing at our banter together with Bella. My blog is filled with your mother's wisdom, love and laughter. She lives on, in my mind and heart. Take care very much Angelique. Love, Ces

Rebecca E. Parsons/Cre8Tiva said...

i am sending healing energy to you all...i loved your mother and we exchanged so many wonderful moments through our blogs...i just checked in today and discovered that she is gone...i will add her to my daily prayers...she touched my heart deeply...

i am so happy to see that you are finding some comfort in continuing her blog...i am sure her hand guides yours as you write...you have done a beautiful job remembering her...

warmly,
r

yoborobo said...

Angelique, the honor and pleasure has been mine. I hope you will always come to this blog to tell us your feelings, and to let us know how each of you is faring, because there are so many of us that love and care for you and your family. 'Desiderata' is something I have not read for years. I can hear your Mom in these words. I think she embodied this philosophy. These words stood out to me "And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should." I will hold this thought in my heart, and I hope you can, too. I miss your Mom, and I am grateful for this connection to her: you, sweet girl.
Love to you, and to your family. xox - Pam

Ziongirl said...

What a lovely post! I am still sending prayers your way!

Angela Recada said...

I still often think of your family, and especially of your dear and wonderful mother. It's hard to believe that it's been six months. I'm so glad you still keep in touch with all of us.

Your mom was only a year older than me, and I remember first reading "Desiderata" as a teenager, too. It made quite an impact on many of us at the time. It's an absolutely perfect tribute to all your mother believed in.

Be gentle with yourself.
Be well.
xoxoxo
Angela

Please

Becky said...

I too have a difficult time believing that Renee has been gone 6 months. Every once in awhile I have a need to go back to my old blog for something, and there Renee will be...her love left in her comments. There are many, and this is one of my faves because it has so much of her in it ~

"Becky what a fantastic post, it has everything. I burst out laughing at the 'I heart this and that.' har har

I wish I was your neighbour I think we would both be the best of friends.

Love Renee xoxo"


I wanted to be her neighbor too. We would have been the best of friends. But what I had of Renee was enough, even though it was simply exchanging comments on our blogs, we each shared enough of our hearts to know that they had met and touched in a most remarkable way.

thanks for all you have shared with us. It eases the loss. You too are remarkable, just like your Mum.

Robin said...

Dear Angelique, your words are so sad....and I understand your sadness. Losing one's Mother is losing part of ones self.....it will get better, but the pain never completely leaves. YOU knew what an extraordinary person your Mum was.... and I think that "meeting" the people Renee knew helped to confirm how special she was - and will always remain to those of us who "met her" and loved her. "Desiderata" is such a lovely poem...one of my favourites.

If you do decide to shut the blog down, always remember how much You, Wahid, Camille, Jacquie and all the little ones are truly loved by all of us.

KJ is working on finalising our "Renee's Book of Love"...it will be our gift of love to you and yours.

Sending you love and strength - always,

♥ Robin ♥

karen gerstenberger said...

I haven't read that poem in its entirety since the 1970s. Thank you (& your dear mother!) for reminding me of its peaceful wisdom.

You are a comfort to me, as a link to your mother's beautiful spirit. I see her in you. I hope you feel her love in us.

I gave this blog an award on mine yesterday. You don't have to do anything with it, but I wanted you to have it. I received the Renee Award while your mom was still alive, which is how I "met" her, so I thought this was fitting. Sending much love, and prayers for comfort, to you.

Sonia ;) said...

Yes it does feel like a lifetime ago as you have stated. It is part of the healing process. And it does easier to remember when the time passes. It has been 3 years in Nov that my Dad passed, and I can say I can remember and smile and get through the day so much easier. I find myself talking to his picture like he is still here hearing me. It will get easier dear girl for everyone. I have learned over the past 3 yrs that talking about it loudly and openly makes the healing easier and faster.

Renee helped me with my dad's death which in turn has helped in coping with her death. Good people are hard to come by, and she was a treasure to and for everyone who came in contact with her.

xoxoxox

Jos said...

I spent a long time thinking about Renee yesterday. For someone who remembers dates so infrequently I'm amazed that I rememebered that it has been 6 months since that day.

I love the way you write Angelique. I love the way you write like your mom and still like you at the same time.

Grief is a strange process. There will come a day when you smile in rememberance ... when it will hurt less. When that feeling of dis-location eases. We separate off to protect ourselves don't we? Sometimes we have to. Funny thing is that Renee would want you to be in a happier place. But not until you're ready. If anyone would understand how you feel right now it is your mom!

I'm sorry Angelique, I feel like I'm being clumsy here. I don't mean to be. xx Jos

Mim said...

Such a beautiful poem and so Renee. It's always lovely to come here and see your new words, and I can feel the anticipation to read what you have written - and not just because of your mom...you have a great style of writing from the heart....don't stop!!

pinkglitterfae said...

What a beautiful tribute! no wonder your mom loved it so.

I'm glad you have kept this blog going, and that you could find comfort in the words of those who loved your mom.
I'm sure she would have been very pleased to have you continue on with her blog.

blessings to you and your family,
xoxo
betty

sweetmango said...

*smiles* my mum gave me this many years ago also. It has been on my fridge since the day I received it. I understand how your mind is dealing with all of this....the gates, the walls, the way they obscure memories and cloud the thoughts. It is as you say just a survival mechanism and with time, the fog will lift and the barriers will fall and the connection will once again be strong and vibrant. You are exactly where you should be. I know, I lost my Dad to cancer when I was 10, the age doesnt matter, when it comes to a child losing a parent or a parent losing a child, age never matters. We all suffer the same way and with time we all heal the same way. Just think of this time of clouded memories as a band-aid for the soul.
You are so very loved. I dont know if you realise just how much like your Mother you really are. There are moments when I forget I am reading your words and I think that I am reading hers.
xxmichelle

talesfromagarden said...

That time will come too to you when you can remember your precious Mother with a smile and think of the good times,but it is still too soon.
I feel that way too at times,my Mother is gone now 4 yrs but it feels an infinity since I sat and looked at her face and talked with her but you cope cos how else do you carry on?
Its a sad part of this life we all have to go through.

Silke said...

Oh, dear Angelique, yes that time will come when you will feel your mother's touch again, even if only in your mind and hear her answering when you talk. My mom has been gone for 23 years now and I still talk to her every day... Much love from me!! Silke

Anonymous said...

Hello Angelique, I was thinking of you today and so happy to find your blog active. I think of you mom and your family often and offer prayers for all of you. I see Renee and my dear sister Kathy having tea together. Love to you all especially Jacquie my soul sister. Blessings, barb

Annie said...

I am glad that you keep writing here. You will get to that point where you smile thinking of your mom instead of crying, but it takes time. Time does heal and it will, that and love are the only things that do. Blessings to you and the whole family. xoxo

~Babs said...

" carrying on",,,of course you are, it's what your family does. And in a way like I've never known before.
You are your Mother's daughter,,you are strong, and the smiling when thinking of her will come.
It makes me smile that you're keeping her (and now your) blog going,,,,I think she'd have loved leaving it to you.
And it makes me extremely happy to know that the words you read here are a comfort.
XO

Lori ann said...

Bless sweetheart.

I don't have the words. Except to say do believe in the endless love and support of the blogworld. Your beautiful mom helped show me.

sending hugs and love,
lori

Bella Sinclair said...

Dear Angelique,

Thank you for sharing those beautiful words. I had never read Desiderata before. I can see how your mother took those words to heart and lived them.

As much as our words and shared memories bring comfort to you, your words and presence bring comfort to me.

xoxo
bella

kj said...

angelique,

i am glad you are not yet through with this blog. whatever comfort you get here, you are giving it back across the world; so many people who truly love your Mom and ache to hear her voice, perhaps in some small way like you wish to feel her face.

i wonder if your Mom knew you would continue her blog? if she knew her friends here would comfort you? i have met some friends i will treasure for life because of your Mom. most of us think she arranged it that way....

how unreal that her presence is not tangible. it seems unfair and unbelievable, really.

and then here you are. sharing here. confirming that it all matters. i am so glad to know that.

i think that's what your Mom wanted.

tsup and hugs, angelique.

love always
kj

Susan Deborah said...

This poem was so beautiful. It should be an anthem for all of us. Renee has once come by my blog and lighted it up with her insights. I am glad you chose to carry this on.

Joy always,
Susan

Teri and the cats of Furrydance said...

Oh...you may have no idea how much a comfort YOU are to us, for many of the same reasons WE are to you...

And Desiderata...reminds me so of my 'hippy dippy, idealistic days' and I, too, had that poster on my wall.

I truly feel like your mom lived her life...just that way. Something we should all strive for, but few achieve.

May you feel surrounded by love, because you are...

Flor Larios Art said...

Beautiful! I just need it to hear those words of advice. Your mom was awesome. I would have loved to meet her in person. I am sure we would have been great friends.
With love,

Flor

Laura said...

thank you for your openness. gentle steps on your journey.

Chrisy said...

Your sharing with us Angelique is something that is treasured by us. Keep posting whenever you feel the need. Thank you for reminding me about this poem...it's a classic.

The Strawberry Mallard said...

I had forgotten all about that, until I received a framed copy for a gift recently...your Mother and I, being from that generation, remember the influence it had on our generation....thank you Angelique for bringing new life to very old writing!

Robyn said...

Lovely to read this post.
I think of your Mum often.
She was a very positive influence on me.

take care and thank you for all that you continue to share here.

best wishes and love
Robyn

Baydog said...

You will be able to smile instead of cry, but it's gonna be a little while.

Mark Wilson said...

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. My mother passed from this life on Thanksgiving of last year. I've felt quite differently about my loss. Instead of thinking of the past as a dream, I've felt like this is some nightmare I've not woken up from yet. With great loved ones to be there with you, you will make it. I hope you aunt gets better too!

Mark W.

Marie Antionette said...

OH Hon,
I've been away far to long. I'm so sorry that you lost your Mother.
We all know that she is watching you and smiling, she is with God the Father. She must be very happy.So we must be happy for her too.I know you are grieving, and I'm sad for you. My prayers will be with you and your family.
I am back to blogging,but it will be slow going.
You take care I've missed you,
May god bless you,
XXOO Marie Antionette

Artistic Accents by Darla said...

I miss your mother too ♥ She was awesome!
You will get to a place where you can laugh and smile and feel warm all over when you think of her and the pain will lessen. I lost my mom 29 years ago and it has flown by. I don't know where the time has gone. Sometimes I feel guilty that life has gone on without her but then I realize it hasn't...she IS here with me all the time.
Blessings to you and yours,
Darla

Catherine said...

Dear one. We are still here listening. I hope it is a comfort to know that so many people love your mom and that we also love you.

I can't imagine the struggle you and your family are continuing to go through with the loss of your mom and the other issues going on with your family, I think of you all often.

Love, C

The16YearOldNaive said...

It's been so long since I've been here..
And I am so sorry..Stay strong as you are now <3
I know not much about loss but I know a little more about enterity..
the poem is beautiful, and you've always helped me write more..
I've missed out so much on the blogs, it feels like i've lost a decade of my life.
stay strong renee!
love, Hailey

Donna, The Decorated House said...

Dear Angelique~
It was so nice to read your post.
I too am happy that you are still writing here when you feel like it.

As many have told you, it does get easier. A little bit. But many, many years from now, you will still laugh and cry at the same exact second just thinking of you sweet mom.
Hugs, Donna

Dawn said...

Angelique
I get strength from your posts, I so hope you continue to inspire, I loved these words, so beautiful and uplifting,
You mom would be so proud that you continue to honour her wonderful blog.

Dawn

Jaqi said...

Hi Angelique,

Im so glad that you have carried on with this blog.
Your Mum is a huge miss to people from all walks of life, and from all over the world, she touched the lives of many , If Im truthful I dont even think that she realised how much good she did for so many people just by being there and being so supportive.
She will always be with me , I know she will, as everytime I am having a tough day she springs to mind and somehow I get through my tough day . At the end of that tough day I thank God for having allowed me to find Renee and even though I was never lucky enough to meet her she had the ability to make a lasting impression not only in my mind but also in my heart.
I know you must miss her so much , but please take strength from the fact that she will never really leave you , she was too strong for that , and I like to think that she knew that all of our words of comfort from all over the world would help you and keep your spirits up and remind you that her family was so important to her and she loved you all so much.
Im glad I stopped by here today , I thought of her this morning when I woke and Im pleased there is somewhere to come and feel close to Renee.
Take Care Angelique , and keep smiling for your Mum (((((Hugs))))) xx

One Woman's Thoughts said...

Angelique,

I know many of us have great memories of your mother. AS for missing her yourself. I don't think that ever goes away. My mother has been gone six years and it's still the same missing the little things we love about them.

Remember that she is ALWAYS with you. She resides in your heart and in your mind and spirit. She continues to live on in your actions and in your words. (And in the things that you said you would never do like she did and of course are doing them and saying them).
Desiderata is my favorite poem too. Maybe that's why we connected. I believe that you are learning much more about yourself since your mother passed. And oh what a lovely lady you are. Blessings to you dear one.

C. said...

Thank you for the posting of "Desiderata".
I have copies of this on walls throughout my house and gave copies to my son and daughter.
These are words that I have tried to live by and to teach my children and hopefully they will pass it on to their children as well.
It must have been something your Mother also felt was important in her life. I think it is beautiful that she asked it be read at her funeral.
Blessings to you and your family as you continue on in your journey of life.

Shimmerrings said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
turquoise cro said...

Thank YOU for this Renee poem! I'm really missing your mom today,10-11-10, is it a special day to her?! I'm GLAD YOU are still here too Angelique! God Bless YOU and YOURS, love and prayers,Cinda(((((Angelique)))))

jsyorkies said...

Angelique,I found this blog too late to met your mom,BUT i feel in my heart that we did know each other:) And I love to see a post on here from you. I go back often and read your Mom's blog and it warm's my heart over and over! Prayers coming for Aunt Jaquie...And no one should have to suffer as she has:( You are truly STRONG women and this with shine through in your daughter also:)

Sydney said...

I am glad for you continuing to write and be here for us, as much as you say All of Renee's commenters are here for you and the family. I come here all the time to read back on posts and comments and Renee's replies even... the conversation continues that way. It is always alive.

It is hard to believe it was 6 months, and I understand completely the things you wrote about how that feels for you. I am glad to know what this poem that I have read so often myself meant to her and to you all. Thank you. Sending lots of love.

Yoli said...

That poem is everything I have envisioned her to be since reading her blog. I miss her comments so much, I miss having her around and I never met her, I cannot imagine how you must feel. I think what you are doing is very healthy and your Mom would want it that way. Looking at the poem, she believed life to be a gift to be enjoyed, no matter the circumstances. Do not overthink or worry too much for eventually everything will be alright. That is what her spirit was all about. Sending you cyber hugs across the miles.

Linda Sue said...

DAMN! i miss her!

turquoise cro said...

Thinking of YOU today and our dear Renee!

Diva Kreszl said...

wors cannot express the love we all feel for you, your mother's posts about her children made us all feel so close to you too. Please know that you remain in my prayers and sI am sending extra prayers for your dear Aunt.

Robin said...

Dear Angelique,

You and (of course) Renee have been on my mind a lot this past month.

Early in October, I travelled East to meet some of Renee's dear friends - KJ, Lo, Mim and Suki - to name a few. The fact that I was able to fly across the country to meet people I have "only" met on the blogs was amazing in itself - but what was more astounding was that EVERYONE was exactly as their blogs reveal them to be. We were at once a family.
My second morning there (I stayed at KJ's), I awoke and looked out my bedroom window.....the golden leaves from the tree just outside were beginning to drift down in a magical shower.....and suddenly, I felt Renee right there with me....
it was as if she was saying, "Robin, you listened to me. You began a blog. You have made new and loving friends. You are no longer alone." Her spirit permeated my time in MA...we all felt her there.

I told you months ago - (but I don't expect you to remember)...that Renee reached out to me - in her worst time...and gave me encouragement ahd hope and a will to live. Without her love and her tremendous spirit, I would not be where I am now.

I wanted you to know this. Your Mum was an extraordinary woman. And you are too.

Please give my love to Wahid, to Camille, to Jacquie and to all the children.

I send you strength, courage to embrace life and much love.

♥ Robin ♥

turquoise cro said...

Thinking of YOU and your mom today.(((((((((Renee)))))))))Hoping YOU can still feel the LOVE we all have for YOU!(always)

turquoise cro said...

I am sending YOU a big hug too Angelique! YOU look soOOOo much like your mother! (((((Angelique)))))

Deborah said...

Hi Lovee. I always feel you here when I visit. I think about you a lot, remember all the lessons you taught me...taught all of us...your Big Work. Thank you, Renee, for all YOUR love. Meet you in the moonlight. **blows kisses to Heaven** Deb

Jann said...

This beautiful poem was in a frame and was with my father's things that we went through after he passed away. I had forgotten that I'd printed it and framed it for him. I came over to your mom's blog tonight because I was thinking of her just out of the blue. I'm glad I read your post, and I'm so very sorry for the loss and sadness you are feeling. If it's any consolation, I am quite sure that your mother is staying very close to you and surrounding you with her love.

turquoise cro said...

Checking in to say hello and YOU and YOURS are in my prayers!

Momo Luna said...

hello Angelique.

i do so hope with you ánd for you.
It has been awhile since i visited this blog, but i'll never forget your mum. Sometimes thoughts of her just pop up in my head.

I wish you and your wonderful family al;l the best and i send you my warmest sincere greeetings.

Deborah said...

Oh Lovee, I am thankful for having known you. Blue skies all the way, Renee, and not a bat in sight. I won't forget. **blows kisses to heaven** Deb

Robin said...

Dear Angelique, Camille, Wahid and Family,

You all were in my thoughts yesterday.....although Thanksgiving is not a Canadian Holiday....no one embodies it more than Renee....who made EVERY day a day of thanks.

Just want you to know that you all are thought of and kept in many prayers world-wide.

Love to all,

♥ Robin ♥

Aleksandra said...

Dear Angelique,just a small hello and a warm hug from me!Your mom and I recognized this text as one of the beautiful things connecting us and I am so happy to see that you posted it too! Thank you! :O)
Take care! Aleksandra

Shaista said...

Dear Angelique,
I am missing your ma today, and thinking of her often - her presence is strong still in our lives.
My grandmother has just been diagnosed with cancer, and is very fearful of the treatment to come - I know your mother would have known exactly what to write to me to help me cope with granny's fears.
Unlike my gran though, your Mom was Fearless. Just plain fearless.
Lots and pots of love,
Shaista (your fellow friend in Lupus) xxx

turquoise cro said...

I was looking at my Christmas cards from last year and to my surprise there it was, a Christmas card from your SWEET Mom! Thinking of YOU and all your family this morning and thoughts of your mom!Sending love and prayers!((((((Renee&her family)))))

The Strawberry Mallard said...

Angelique...thinking of you, now that we are into Advent and wanting you to know that special prayers are coming your way....for you, your Dad, and the rest of your beautiful family...please blog again, we all miss you!
Hugs, Nancy

LauraX said...

sending you bright blessings Angelique...I can only imagine how difficult this year will be for you and your family as the holidays draw near.

~Babs said...

Angelique,
Just stopping by to wish you and all of yours a very peacefilled Christmas with Heaven's Love warming your hearts.
XO
Babs

Anonymous said...

I just came to your blog on a random link... what luck! I am sorry for the loss of your mom. I know what it means to feel this pain. My mom has been gone for 10 years and some blue moons I still catch myself reaching for the phone to call her. Even though she's been gone, I still love her as though she were here. Love is a doorway that death never closes.
(Elizabeth)

Yvonne Anderson said...

Miss her too....x