Grateful No. 5

Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.

And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.

And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then you shall truly dance….

For what is it to die, but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun….

And what is it to cease breathing,
but to free the breath, from its restless tides,
that it may rise,
and expand,
and seek God
unencumbered.

~~ Kahlil Gibran ~~

Thank you all for your love, I am truly grateful.

xoxoxoxo

Welcome Home

To the world's greatest and most treasured Mother, Grandmother and Great-Grandmother.

You are already so deeply missed.

'n aire do litrichean móra is sràcan

My First Home No. 2

It is 2:22 a.m. and I just got out of bed yelling ‘Fuck off. Oh my God my side. Fuck.’ I was up an hour ago and took some pills for my knees and had some popsicles. Now I am up and had some pills for my side. ‘Fuck.’

Spent the day at Mom’s and just basically watched her sleep and then went in one of Shelly’s rooms and slept myself.

Today the priest came and gave Mom the Last Rites. It actually was really beautiful. There was Joey, Gord, Doug, Liz, Peter, Suzie, Camille, Father Aubin, Mom (sleeping), Shelly, me, Nadalene, Taylor, Colette, Mickey, and I don’t even know who else was behind us.

Love is physical and you can feel it. Everyone is concerned for the other.

I’m watching the three youngest Joey rubbing Mom’s back, Shelly rubbing Mom’s feet, and Gerry rubbing Mom’s hands. They are going at it all at the same time but could be doing it one at a time as they are so focused and really are just them and our Mom.

Then Nathan and Angelique came. Nathan had bought red roses for Grandma which were beautiful and roses he had dropped off the day before for Jacquie and some he had also placed on Sheldon’s grave after cleaning it and so Jacquie was happy.

I went and had a sleep because I am exhausted.

Nadalene woke me up because Ben had built a ramp for his Mom and Jacquie was coming over and would be there in a few minutes. So Jacquie got to see Mom and even though Mom did not really wake to know Jacquie was there, the rest of us were thrilled. And funny thing is she did know because later in the night when Jacquie was gone she asked where Jacquie was gone.

My side right now is killing me. Christ already, I’ve done my bit and taken the pills – do yours already.

Funny tonight to see everybody order Chinese Food from the place that my parents have ordered from for over 40 years.

Gerry and Quin came in from Lethbridge on Friday.

We listen to Englebert Humperdink and Sidney Divine and all the Scottish music and other music that we all grew up on and that made me feel like crying the most. Seeing Mom who was so full of life and loved her music just kind of lying there and the music became like little stories to me. I saw thousands of life experiences with each little story.

Mom getting her head lovingly rubbed by Angelique, it was so puffy and I loved seeing my daughter rub my mother’s head.

On Saturday Jacquie and I were both so sick and I heard Mom had a horrible day too. I who should have been able to go see my Mom could not even keep awake. I threw up or I slept and I wished I was dead.

Jacquie is on her week of chemo and said that she was so tired and her stomach was so bad and she just couldn’t keep her eyes open.

Mom had a horrible day too.

Of the three of us I am the weakest because I want to quit the fastest. I’m tired of it all.

‘Oh my God, I am sick of this, my left side is killing me. I’m thirsty and I’m tired.’

Our family does not hold each other at a distance and view our problems as individual problems. Families do not walk away from each other. Your problems become our problems. This is simply the way our family works. Blood is thicker than water.

One of the grim realities ahead for us is that my Mom will die and she won’t be there anymore for any of us. We will live and she will die and we won’t have her in the present but only in the past.

But we will have each other. Families are there to stop us from having to be alone.

‘Where is the let up? Christ already.’

I remember reading Vonnegut where he stated that the reason everyone was so lonely and unhappy was that we had forgotten about extended families. That our families were shrinking and becoming more and more separated and independent and all of a sudden when part of the family goes then there is nothing left to fill the gap and that everyone would be happier if we just had bigger families. I think they may not need to be bigger but at least connected.

My parents were people that sparkled and whose eyes were full of hope. They transferred that hope to us. They were always willing to celebrate the ordinary and make us all feel worthwhile, no matter what it was we did.

It is 3:05 a.m. and I feel like shoving myself into the hospital. But I won’t, I think I can bear this and hopefully the pain will go away.

How are you doing over there Mom? How are you doing over there Jacquie?

My First Home

It is the real beginning of the real end.

My first home and an especial love of my life is leaving this world. It may take a few weeks or it may take a few days but how I am going to miss her; my Mom, the person who probably still cares the most for me in this world.

Angelique and Josephine and Domenic spent the day with Mom on Wednesday along with Mickey and Dwain and Taylor and they had a lovely time.

Angelique, Nadalene, and I spent the evening and we had a wonderful time and Mom was in good spirits. Mom kept saying how she would talk to Domenic and he would laugh and how happy that made her. And that little Josephine; of course full of life and love for great-grandma and how when Mom fell asleep; Josephine said ‘wake-up.’

But then Mom had to swallow some pills and that took a lot out of her. Fentanyl came in to play but it just didn’t help ease her breath or panic fast enough. It is hard to watch your mother struggle.

It was a very hard day for Jacquie yesterday as when I left her house with Colette and Wahid we went on to visit Mom and she had to stay home. Yes she phoned a few times and Mom rallied herself to say ‘Is that Jacquie, tell Jacquie not to worry.’ And Jacquie said she wouldn’t but of course she did.

Our family has always been a survival unit with our parents agreeing in all actions to care for us kids and for us kids agreeing (not in all actions) to take care of our parents. When I went to Shelly’s last night it was to a hard scene as Mom was disoriented. And at the same time it was beautiful to see her children all around her focused on her completely.

Harry was gone to get new medicine. Jeanine had been there all day and was talking to the nurses and getting all the information we needed. Suzie was upset and crying of course it is all so much. Mickey who has been there every day taking care of Mom while Shelly is at work was taking care of Mom and trying to help her. Colette and Joey were holding Mom’s hand and rubbing her back. Shelly was taking care of all Moms’ needs too and just putting herself out there. I sat back in a chair and watched.

When Mom settled I sat beside her and held her hand. She said ‘Who is that?’ I said “It is your Renee, Mom.” And Mom said ‘Oh my Renee.’

And how hard for us all that our mother whom we love and cherish above all others must face anguish and despair. She will endure pain and fear and suffering and she will fade before our eyes.

And yet we will hold her gaze in our hearts and in our prayers knowing that it would be disrespectful to avert our eyes even for a second. Our gift to her now is our undivided attention.

My mother’s wealth is her family. Mom is very proud of the bonds that her children have. And believe me, we have them. Mom would be the first to say that the wealth of her children could not be given a price and that she was proud of each and every one of us.

Shelly and Peter have set up a lovely room for Mom where she is so happy and comfortable. Where she says she eats like a queen. I will never forget that you have done this for Mom Shelly. Thank you.

We gather everyday now, we her adult children. We gather to her bedside which has become Holy Ground. You are our first home, our greatest champion.

I love you Mom. xoxoxo

Then And Now No. 2

Then

March 13, 1998

Gwen died today, I couldn’t believe it. She died of cancer and her funeral is Wednesday. Mom called and she was so upset, I went over right away. Dad was crying too. Jacquie and Suzie and Peter came over and Mom and Dad felt a lot better after that.

Now

January 26, 2010

What I can’t believe now is how naïve I was. Like I can’t believe she died? She had cancer for Christ’ sake!

Then

March 18, 1998

Gwen’s funeral was today. Mom took a nerve pill before going to the funeral so she could stand it. Gwen was her best friend, as well as being her only friend she had left who was still alive.

Nadalene made Mom supper and bought her a hyacinth plant and a beautiful card. Mom was crying. Nadalene was showing Mom her pictures from Europe and it was a nice visit. But my heart felt like it was breaking for Mom. Nadalene drove home and was telling me how important friends are for seniors. I started crying in the car (just like I’m crying in bed) when she told me that in her University classes on the elderly they say that if a parent tells their children they are depressed; magnify that by a thousand, because they just won’t tell their children until they are at the end of their rope.

God please give Mom and Dad a restful night as I know they are both very upset.

Now

January 26, 2010

I see that it is so true how we want to spare our children no matter what. We want them to be spared what we cannot spare ourselves. But of course that can’t work. I think by trying to spare them they would worry more. I believe it is much better to be honest and state how we feel and then we can move past it and so can they. They don’t have to wonder if we are hiding things from them.

Then

January 2, 2001 (two thousand and one)

I am grateful that I like my children and I like my husband. It is 7:31 p.m. and I am in bed, I started my periods today, and I both look and feel like death warmed over. (Is that right? Mom always says that and now that I’ve written it out, I don’t know what it means.) Anyways, I’m exhausted. I always feel like I do nothing for me, but I just realized I said ‘I’ thirteen times in this short block of sentences.

Now

January 26, 2010

I definitely know what death warmed over is now. And I am still about ‘I’.

Then

June 16, 2001

Major beliefs that have shaped my life and been drilled into my head by my Mom and Dad: love one another; treat others as you want to be treated; do not judge; if you have something nice to say to someone then say it; and no one is better than you and you are no better than them; and finally, there but for the grace of God go I.

Now

January 26, 2010

These happen to be the same beliefs that I have drilled into my own children’s heads. I think they are good ones.

Superstitious

Do you touch wood for reassurance, just to be on the safe side? I did for a long time. I would say knock on wood or touch wood and then proceed to do it. At one point Robbie’s wife Eva even made me a wooden ring. It broke from wear. I don’t know how that has fallen to the wayside, maybe I realized wood wasn’t going to save me.

Do you make sure not to place your newly bought shoes on a table? Absolutely, new shoes, old shoes, baby shoes, slippers, anything worn on your feet. That is the one superstition I was raised on ‘Never put shoes on the table it is bad luck.’ If I even see shoes on a table that someone else has put on there I will take them off.

Do you cover mirrors in a thunderstorm? Now this one I don’t do and actually have never heard of it.

Do you let the other person come down the stairs first before you go up, so that you don’t cross on the stairs? No, and I never knew this was a superstition either. Funny how this one seems weird and yet shoes on a table are almost criminal.

Do you open the front and back doors on December 31st to let the New Year in and the old one out? No but I somehow remember my Mom talking about this. Also that it was good luck to bring a lump of coal to someone’s home on New Year’s Eve so they would be warm. We also heard that it was lucky to have someone with black hair or dark skin come to your house (I guess they were to symbolize coal and that you would stay warm.)

Do you say if this happens than that will happen? Yes, before Christmas when feeling like a total bag of shit I was rolling around in bed. I kept moving the covers and said if I happen to break the angel that Jacquie gave me on my side table then I will be dead in six months. I flip the blanket and move my walrus body and sure enough I hear the angel fall. I decide not to look and just assume it broke and that I will be dead soon. Get up in the morning and the angel has lost her head and half of a wing. Josephine is over and sees the angel and tells me ‘Grandma don’t worry, Grandpa will fix it.’ So she brought it to Grandpa who fixed it as good as new. If only I could be fixed as easily.

Then And Now

Then

January 5, 1998

It snowed all day. Mom called at 9 p.m. for Angelique to pick up Pepsi for Dad. I think it was pretty ridiculous that she had to get Pepsi at night in a snowstorm, with a car that has no winter tires. But did I say that, No! Would it have been disrespectful? ‘He preferred to be, rather than to seem good. ~~ Sallust 86-35 BC ~~’

Now

January 19, 2010

I would like Mom or Dad to call for anything and it would not be ridiculous; even in the shape I’m in now I would walk to get the Pepsi in a snowstorm.

Then

January 13, 1998

I was just talking to Mom and told her of a dream I had last night. In the dream I dreamt that Jacquie didn’t want Mom to see me anymore, so Mom asked me not to come around. I was so surprised that I struck my hand out and pushed her in the chest. So I told this to Mom and Mom says ‘Fuck that.’ I started laughing. Then Mom and I were both laughing and she said she won’t be around forever, and that she’ll die sometime. You can’t imagine how those words hit me. I couldn’t even believe my reaction. I started sobbing, almost as though my Mom had just died.

I told Mom that she is the person who gave me my wings, and that besides my children, she is the one person I love more than anyone in this world. I admire her so much. It seems that the older I get, and realize who she is as a woman; I admire and love her more.

I would say that my Mom is fair, loves children and they love her, truly believes that there is always room for one more and practices that. Kind, beautiful, in style, modern, gave me a love of music, open-minded, does not gossip, can keep a secret, tolerant, fun, strict, caring, strong, and much much more.

My Mom is not tolerant of liars, thieves, or fools. And if Mom has something to say, believe me, she will say it. She is also the best grandma in the world.

You can’t die Mom, because I couldn’t handle that. I love you!

Now

January 19, 2010

You are going to die Mom and I realize that because of you and how you have raised me; I will in fact be able to handle that.

Then

January 19, 1998

Angelique drove me to Mom and Dads. I went to clean out the storage room. Mom is getting a dresser and Good Will is coming tomorrow to get all the junk. It didn’t take too long and I was able to bring home a few pictures Mom and Dad gave me.

Now

January 19, 2010

Funny brought home a few more pictures just the other day when we were all cleaning out Mom’s apartment. And just as it was a breeze to do then, it was a breeze to do now.

Then

January 27, 1998

Mom is really upset. Gwen her best friend has cancer. Since Mary and Auntie Gloria have died, Gwen is her only good friend left. Jacquie and I went to Mom and Dad’s house so she could talk about Gwen. We played cards and when we left Mom said she would not be able to sleep that night.

Now

January 19, 2010

Mom is still here and I am still thankful. She has outlived her friends; I wish I could say the same about myself.

Then

January 30, 1998

Dad’s birthday today, so I bought him a t-shirt.

Now

January 19, 2010

My Dad would have been 84 on his birthday and I can tell you people if you don’t think smoking kills you would be wrong. It is the main contributing factor in my father’s death and it will be in my mothers.

Times Three No. 14

Hard times, hard times!

Imagine being a loving daughter who sees your Mom almost every day or at the minimum five out of seven days. And then you are dependent on Transit rides for your wheelchair to get you to and from the hospital so you can see your Mom.

Imagine being a loving daughter who wants to get that same Transit ride to the hospital everyday but you are on chemo that is making you terribly sick and are on pills that make your anxiety go through the roof. And then you are lucky if you get to see your Mom once every few weeks.

Imagine if that is the best mother in the world and she is dying and you can’t get to see her. Imagine that you felt the same way when your 25 year old son was a few floors below you at the same hospital you were in and you couldn’t get down to see him; not because of the Transit but because you were getting chemo and radiation and were sick as a dog and when you felt slightly better which you did everyday and went to see your boy it took everything to be able to get there and then you suffered for hours both physically; but mostly mentally.

Hard times, hard times!

Imagine that it is not easy for our darling Jacquie.

Jacquie whom when she gets to heaven God will say ‘well done,’ is not being well done too.

Jacquie feels like a lot of things are getting away from her and she is being left in the dust. Many of us with cancer feel this way especially when we are feeling super ill to boot. And just so you know it always feels especially personal.

Together strong Jacquie.

Our Warning

My Mom is dying. Is it better to say my Mom is very ill? If it is, it wouldn’t be right because that of itself is not quite true; as it is more than that. I must keep this real in my own language and state that my Mom is dying.

Boy how we all love our Mom, we, who are so fortunate to have the best mother in the world and I mean bar none. If you think you know how much we all love our Mom than you need to rethink it again.

Mom has been in and out of the hospital over the last six months with different chest problems that are mostly associated to her COPD. At one point they even thought she had the swine flu, which she did not.

My Mom has been in Riverview since before Christmas and has had many tests, one of which was a Mugga Scan that is showing that the arteries from the heart are very weak as they have had to work quite hard for her lungs.

Part of the problem as COPD advances is that the body goes into a panic that it cannot breathe. This is very hard on the heart. After the scan they started my Mom on fentanyl to help trick her brain into thinking she is breathing better so that she does not panic which makes her much weaker that much faster.

So now my Mom gets fentanyl before she eats, goes to the bathroom, sleeps, basically moves period.

There was a family meeting before Christmas and everyone in the city went. I just stayed with my Mom in her room as I had no interest in going to the meeting. For me it would just be the same of what I have heard for the last four years about myself. ‘She is dying; we don’t know how long; etc. etc.’

Mickey told me that the medication was what they give to people in their last stages of life.

Joey said there would be no warning and that when Mom dies, she will just seem to fall asleep. For some reason I was surprised.

Let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want more than all the world your return. ~~ Mary Jean Iron ~~

Shelly was over and we were talking about it and I thought I better clarify. I had thought that we would have time to gather around Mom. Shelly told me that she mentioned in the meeting that we were able to be there with our nephew Sheldon and our Dad at the end and would we have that opportunity. They said no, that we may not even know Mom died right away, we may be talking to her and she will take a breath and just pass away.

Even still I kept thinking maybe we would have a warning and I realized that the fentanyl is our warning. This is the last stages; this is our gathering time; this is our warning; this is our time to gather around.

Shelly and Jeanine are taking care of Mom’s needs and meeting with the doctors and staff. Shelly will be having my Mom come and live with her. Mom is so excited and we are all excited. We are all happy that our Mom will be in a loving home with a loving daughter and Mom will have most of her children able to come and help her.

Shelly and I were talking the other day and I was just saying what a blessing for Shelly. Of course, Jacquie or I would have taken Mom in our homes in a heartbeat had we been able too, but that is not the case; so Shelly is the lucky one.

I said to Shelly ‘Mom was there to usher you into the world Shelly and now you will be able to be there to usher her on her return from the world.’ Talk about full circle.

We all believe that my Mom will live until she dies because that is just how she does it. And as long as my Mom is comfortable I hope this dying takes a very long time.

*artwork by Kelly Vivanco

50s Housewife Quiz No. 7

Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

All together gang. ‘Are you for real?’

This is how it went down in the Khan household.

I make the evening his twice a year and that is on Father’s Day and his Birthday. So Wahid is very lucky out of 365 days in a year two of the evenings are his.

Wahid never ever comes home late or goes out to dinner without me. Other places of entertainment he really doesn’t want to go unless I’m with him. He has more fun with me. Although, Wahid does love his horse racing on a Sunday afternoon.

We have always had dinner at 5:00 p.m. Wahid gets home at 4:45 on the nose and if he is even twenty minutes late I know he has gone to the hardware store to buy some welding gloves. And sure enough he comes in at 5:30 all smiles and I play the game of ‘Where the heck were you? We were worried? Did you meet someone? You smell good, is that cologne?’ He laughs his head off.

There is always strain and pressure in a job environment but it is nothing to the strain and pressure of raising kids and that was basically left up to me. So I was the one at work and coming home to more strain and pressure. He was the one who came home and was able to comfortably relax.

Make the evening his (Failed, unless twice a year counts). Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you (Failed, I would have a shit fit if he was going out after work, while I was at home). Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax (Failed and passed, I understand the strain and pressure from work and the need to be home and relax, but really, I would love that too).

My Family

On October 24, 2009 my amazing and longest time friend on the blogs Julie-Ann Bowden held a contest. This is what she said then.

‘Would love to paint families of earth and heavenleigh angels. Somehow this is where I see myself heading with my art. In this I need to open myself up to painting requests. There is nothing more individual than real people, families, and friends.’

‘The paintings would be in my style and not exact or photographic, this may conflict with what people wish for and in this; is where the struggling comes from.’

‘Would you feel confident enough or like to be painted in my style of art?

Hell Yes!

On October 30, 2009, darling Julie-Ann had a draw and her sweet Charlotte picked out two tickets and I was one of them. Thank you sweet Charlotte.

Is anything more amazingly beautiful? Thank you dear friend, how I love it! I so love it. You have done us proud indeed.

Everyone my family: Don, Angelique, Domenic, Josephine; Wahid, Renee, Nathan; Nadalene and Charlton.

Now everyone, go and get your families painted.

http://heavenleighart.blogspot.com/2010/01/here-is-renee-and-her-beautiful-family.html

*artwork by my dear friend Julie-Ann Bowden

Sheldon's Gift

When Sheldon was near the end of his life it was very important to him that he be able to donate his organs.

Of course with cancer that was not to be. That made Sheldon sad as he wanted to be able to help others that were here. Sheldon knew that he had no more use for his body and hoped that someone else’s life could be made better.

Sheldon did not know that he would be able to help others when he died. But he did, as a matter of fact he helped two others and all of the people those two others touch.

When I was talking to the people at the organ bank after Sheldon had died and they said because he had cancer it would not be possible to use his organs. I let Jacquie know and she told me to get back in touch with them and see if they could use his eyes.

I called them back and they called Gil back. They could and they did.

Sheldon, our very own God, gave the gift of vision to two other people. Because of Sheldon two other people can do more than just see light.

The cornea is the transparent front part of the eye that covers the iris, pupil, and anterior chamber. Together with the lens the cornea refracts light accounting for approximately two-thirds of the eye’s total optical power and contributes most of the eye’s focusing power.

There are organizations located throughout the world to coordinate the distribution of donated corneas to surgeons. I don’t know exact numbers of people on the waiting lists but I know for example in just the City of Edmonton last year there were over 400 people waiting.

About two weeks after Sheldon died the Lions Eye Bank of Manitoba and Northwestern Ontario sent Jacquie and Gil a letter in the mail telling them how Sheldon had changed two different people’s lives. Jacquie and Camille called me at midnight to let me know the news. It was joyous news.

Because Sheldon always thought of others before himself (it was ingrained in Sheldon) he was able to help two different people. They both received one of his corneas.

This is not a sample of the letter that Jacquie and Gil received but it is a sample of a difference having a cornea donated has made in a young girl’s life and also how truly grateful she is. The young girl is 26 years old and lives in British Columbia (I will call her J).

J was placed on a cornea waiting list and was told that she would wait for a minimum of three or more years. As it turned out she waited four. ‘They called me two days before the operation and said they had a cornea. I was so excited, but then I kept wondering what it was going to be like. The transplant took about an hour with me having a stay in the hospital for about seven hours.’

Within a day J could see the effects of the new cornea. ‘The next morning I took the bandage off of my eye, so I could put in the anti-rejection drugs in my eye, and it was the most amazing thing in the world. I could see. I started to cry. It hit home then that I received a transplant and that someone I didn’t even know gave me sight….it’s really hard to explain.’

‘The frustrating thing is you don’t know how to say thank you. You don’t know the people who made this possible. You wish you could tell them that they’ve made something good come out of their loved one’s death. They gave me back my life.’

Because of someone just as generous as Sheldon, J no longer has to hold back. She is able to lead a normal life.

Please, remember Sheldon and fill out your donor cards. Give the gift of God to others; as you would have them do for you, please do for them.

You made us all better Sheldon. You made us all want to be better.

I miss you every day Sheldon, every single day.

It is a new day of a new year of a new decade. Let us all be inspired by a young man who barely turned 25 before he died. Let us all be inspired by a young man who knew the true meaning of love.

Happy New Year.

Love Renee xoxoxo

*artwork by my dear friend Kathy Hare

Regarding Angelique No. 2

She is my oldest child. She is my heart walking outside of my body. She is my first experience of selfless love. I was her first home and she was my first resident. She is the oldest of my three children. She has taught me more than I could ever teach her.

My darling girl and her loving husband Don have given me two of the most incredible human beings ever; sweet Josephine and darling Domenic. Domenic was born this year on A.J.’s birthday, needless to say Jacquie is quite thrilled about that. Like all of our kids Angelique is a total split of me and Wahid. She is most like me in that she totally is not judgmental.

I know you want to meet Angelique and I couldn’t blame you.

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2008/12/regarding-angelique.html

She is the oldest of my children, my heart walking outside of my body, my first lesson that I could love someone better than myself. Angelique thank you for the privilege.

Happy Birthday Angelique. Love Mom, Dad, Nadalene, Nathan, Josephine, and Domenic.

*artwork by Kelly Vivanco

Grateful No. 4

On Christmas Eve I received a treasure chest. It was gold and green speckled and I knew that it would leave an X marked on my heart forever, before I even opened it, I knew it would.

Christmas day arrived with many bangs by the bats. They did not want to go outside to play; they said it was too cold. So inside they stayed. I fed them a little bit of bat poison and they seemed to fall asleep. Good thing.

We had a wonderful Christmas dinner with curry shrimp, dhal purrie, stewed chicken, trifle and wine.

We sang to Domenic ‘Domenicky nicky nicky nicky Domenicky nicky doo.’ We had tea served to us out of jeweled cups poured by Ms. Josephine using her Mrs. Potts teapot. I even got to drink out of Chip. She wheeled it around on its magic cart and how delicious it was to have invisible tea with nonexistent milk and fairy dust sugar. Nathan was quite happy as he scored the best gift for Josephine.

We opened our gifts to each other and we all thanked and hugged one another. We all loved our gifts, all of our many gifts. We are so blessed.

When we were done Nathan suggested that we all open the treasure chest and so we did. Oh what fun we had. Oh how blessed we felt.

We opened the box.

We gasped.

You took our breath away. You all did.

To see the astonishing gifts blossoming in front of us, the treasure was overflowing. Not only with gifts of love but with stunning splendor and glittering unexpected magic.

We sounded like broken records saying ‘How can people be so generous. Look at this. How beautiful. How talented. How kind. How thoughtful. How humbled we are.’

What did you do you lovely, lovely friends?

You have given not only me these gifts, but all of us. You have given my children memories that they will always have. ‘Remember the time all those wonderful people sent all those wonderful gifts for Mom. And not only Mom but Auntie Jacquie too. Remember that Christmas as we all unwrapped something one at a time and marveled together.’

You blew us away.

The treasure chest full of treasure did more than make us happy, that would be an understatement. It was something else entirely, almost otherworldly. It was as though you were sitting there with us sharing love and fellowship, right there in that room with the Christmas tree in the corner and the family in awe. You were all with us. It was truly spiritual.

Blessed be your hands, with which you have touched life in its beauty and in its need. You have given your hand in friendship, held out your hands to those who were suffering, worked with your hands to create. May your hands be blessed and held firmly in the hands of the Eternal forever. ~~ Kosu Boudreau ~~

I have received many other Christmas treasures too, no they were not in the treasure box, but they were picked up off the sand on the way to the treasure. They were treasure that led me to more treasure; treasure that was just as treasured as the treasure in the box. I have had many dear friends mention on their blogs what has been happening in my life and asking for prayers of loving energy. I have had paintings done and poems written and I want you all to know I will never forget this.

So many of the things we think about within our lives such as jobs, houses, possessions, etc. they count for almost nothing, really. Our lives are about people, and the people that we love.

Truth be told, we are all better when we are together, not because we need each other but because of our faith and trust in each other.

You all remind me that I am doing more than surviving this world and so are my kids and so are all of you. We are all thriving, and one of the reasons is because we have found each other and made love happen! Our hearts have met and that is what is important.

I hope it is okay with everyone if I don’t mention the gift but just your names. The gifts are amazing and they consisted of paintings and boxes and a sacred spiral and ornaments, and necklaces, and dolls and silk scarves, and more cards and paintings and books and poems, and the most beautiful hanging bird that held a dream, healing eucalyptus, and a Renee Angel and a Jacquie Angel, and slippers that were made with bliss in every stitch and a scarf that I know was made the same way and a tea that was specially made to banish bats and an angel cup to drink the banishing tea. On and on and on they go; but I know that it is your heart that mattered; the heart that you put into the gifts.

Thank you dear friends:

Julie-Ann
kj and JB
Silke
Manon
Bella
Sweet Mango
Bonnie
Betty
Angela
Arija
BT
Corey
Marie
Debra
Manon
Laurel
Sarah
Tessa
Ribbon
Constance
Babs
Doris
Mim
Baino
Darla
Elizabeth
Ces
Pam
Deborah
Linda
Sonia
Lori Ann
Kelly
Caroline
Lulu
Annie
Jos

If I have forgotten anyone, please forgive me, and let me know as I would like to add you to the list. It will be entirely my fault as my brain is a sieve.

Jacquie, Camille, Nadalene and I sat at Jacquie’s going through the same magical routine with her gifts that were sent to her and she; like me, was humbled too. When Angelique, Josephine, Domenic and I had arrived at Jacquie’s she was crying and very sad. Everyone was able to go see our Mom at the hospital as she is very sick but Jacquie couldn’t just get up and go like everyone else. Jacquie had to stay home and miss our Mom from afar. It isn’t easy for Jacquie. When Nadalene and I left at night instead of tears Jacquie was smiling and ever so grateful for all the kindness that you have all extended to her. She remembered that there is a world that people do care for others. Jacquie asked that I let you all know that she is forever grateful.

I am forever grateful to each and every one of you for the support that you have shown to me. I am glad to know that you all inhabit part of this space with me.

Love Renee xoxo

*Nathan opening our treasure chest

Regarding Mickey

I was born when my sister Mickey was just a little over 4 years old. Mickey had two older brothers and two older sisters; she was the 3rd girl born and the 5th child in a family that would be comprised of 13 children.

Many of my earliest memories of Mickey are of us in bed. How we talked the evenings and nights away. We banished the others from only what we two could hear. Mickey is considered the beauty of the family. In reality Mickey is that combination of beauty and brains. Together we are a kick-ass trivial pursuit team.

I have so many memories of Mickey from my childhood. I remember Mickey always letting me wear her clothes to school and I loved them. She worked and bought her own stuff and I was too young to work, but old enough to wear such cool clothes. Mickey would never let anyone else wear them. Only me! One time Colette or Jacquie or Camille had on a top of Mickey’s and when she got home Mickey had a total shit-fit. They would say ‘You let Renee wear it.’ Mickey would say “So, get it off now.”

Camille reminded me the other day of how one time she put on Mickey’s bra and Mickey went berserk yelling ‘You don’t even have anything to put in there.’

Between us Mickey and I have had 20 ear operations. I have had six and Mickey has had 14. My first ear operation was done at the same time as one of Mickey’s. We shared a hospital room together. I was only about 12 and so Mickey would have been 16. My friends were not allowed in the hospital as we were too young but Mickey’s friends were. I still remember her telling them all; night after night that they would have to leave as she was tired, but really it was just so that we could talk alone together.

Mickey and I had the most fun when we worked together. Oh what a blast eh Mickey?

We would have candies and I might cough and shove one in my mouth and then pass Mickey some too and she would cough and put one in her mouth har har. I don’t even know what that was all about.

Mickey tells me one of the girls at work thinks Mickey has put a curse on her and we laugh our heads off. Mickey is perplexed by the whole thing but I personally think it is hilarious. Like fuck yeah, Mickey just put a curse on you. Right! So I proceed to spread the word that people must be aware as Mickey has the ability of cursing people, and almost killed someone once with her bad thoughts about them.

We worked with this one girl Gerpal who was such a weirdo in the strangest way possible. She literally would scratch herself all the time. I am talking about scratching herself in private physical places in public places. Mickey and I are talking and Gerpal comes up to me and says ‘Oh your gaining weight, what’s going on? Are you pregnant?’ Mickey still laughs today because I said “What’s it to you scratchy snatch? Go have a shower.’

Mickey is my ultimate tag-team partner. Pity the man that gets in our clutches, his head will spin within minutes. Remember the men Mickey, putty in our hands.

I am Mickey’s favourite and of that there is no doubt. After all, really, who else is there?

Mickey is the family speech maker. We have an event, Mickey gives the speech. She not only gives them she writes them too. She is as clever as they come and as beautiful as the day is long. In every family speech Mickey states that Dad and Mom love her best and everyone in the room groans ‘yea right’ and then Mickey corrects it and says okay Dad and Mom love Renee best and everyone says ‘yes that is right.’

Describing Mickey I would say that she is a very attractive woman. When Mickey laughs she lights up the city. Mickey has gorgeous eyes and she is sincere, funny, super funny, kind, and will do anything for someone that she loves. I am happy that Mickey is my sister.

When Sheldon and Jacquie were in the hospital Mickey barely ever left it. While I was with Sheldon; Mickey would be with Jacquie. While I devoted my energy to Sheldon, Mickey devoted her energy to Jacquie.

For when three sisters love each other with such sincere affection, the one does not experience sorrow, pain, or affliction of any kind, but the other’s heart wishes to relieve, and vibrates in tenderness….like a well-organized musical instrument. ~~ Elizabeth Shaw ~~

I love my sister and she means the world to me. Mickey thank you for the privilege.

Happy 58th Birthday Mickey. Love Renee, Wahid, Angelique, Nadalene, Nathan, Josephine and Domenic.

*artwork by Kelly Vivanco

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all of you from all of us. May you be with all the people you love the most. If you cannot be; remember your loved ones and know that no matter where they are they are still with you.

Love the Khan Family xoxoxo

*picture Renee and Wahid

Regarding Daisy No. 2

My mother is amazing. Not because she is beautiful or tough as nails or because she never gives up or because in the 50s and 60s she thought it was retarded how women behaved. No, she is amazing simply because she is.

When I was having the gastroscopy last week and she was still in the hospital they would come to try to give her tests and she was telling them to go away because she is saying the rosary, her daughter is having tests and so the rosary could not be interrupted.

It is my Mom’s birthday today and if you want to treat yourself to an original character then check this out.

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2008/12/regarding-daisy.html

I know more and more that the faith my mother has put in me is the same faith I have put into my children. I love you Mom and thank you for the privilege.

Happy 83rd Birthday Mom. Love Renee, Wahid, Angelique, Nadalene, Nathan, Josephine, and Domenic.

*artwork by Kelly Vivanco

A Scottish Soldier

Especially for you on your birthday Mom.

xoxoxo

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCSB_BiNSZo&feature=related

DO THEY KNOW......

My darling sister, my dearest friend, my children’s confidante wrote me something too beautiful not to share.

DO THEY KNOW …..
the enchantment,
the beauty and glow,
the sharing and caring,
the peace and the fighting,
true sadness and sorrow
do they know …..

~~ by Jacquie ~~

*artwork by Nicoletta Ceccoli

Regarding Nadalene No. 2

She is the younger of my two daughters, my second child, and my awakening.

Nadalene is married to someone she loves (the rest of us love Charlton too). Like all of our kids, Nadalene is a total split between me and Wahid. I think she is most like me in her firmness and knowing what she knows.

Do you want to meet Nadalene? I’m sure you do.

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2008/11/regarding-nadalene.html

She is the younger of my two daughters, my second child, and my awakening. Nadalene thank you for the privilege.

Happy Birthday Nadalene! Love Mom, Dad, Angelique, Nathan, Josephine, and Domenic.

*artwork by Kelly Vivanco