Tuesday, March 8, 2011
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."
Tomorrow will mark the one year of my Mom's passing yet I have that terrible gut feeling and panic that my Mom is going to die. Hear me out, for the last month, I find myself thinking about what I was doing a year ago...and I have been reliving it. Almost to the minute, a year ago today, I had returned to see my Mom at the hospital so I could see her before I went to bed. I sat by her bed and hummed 'You are my Sunshine' because that was about all I did for comfort or communication when I was with her. I cried while I tried to mentally imprint the feeling of her nice plump hand and I tried hard to etch the look upon her face and all her features. She looked beautiful.
I stayed for a little while and then returned when I received the phone call at about 2 a.m. I sat vigil with my Dad, my sister, my brother, my aunties (Jacquie, Camille, Mickey, Shelly, Colette, Suzie, Jeannine)and uncles (Harry and Joey). We sat quietly together with my Mom, through the night. She died the next day around 10:30 in the morning.
This last year has been a struggle. I have lost not only my Mom, but two other very important women in my life and in my inner circle. Such great losses bring wounds to the spirit. I am sure I will always struggle with my sadness in not having my Mom around to share in my life and my children's and I will forever miss her. I hope to come to a point that I may think of her and smile rather then feel heart pains. I hope I will continue to work on enjoying the moments that make my life and savouring my children as they grow. I will keep walking in this direction and I know I will get there. I have an abundance of fond memories and people who love me to keep me company along the way.
I truly can not imagine how I may have coped with my grief had it not been for this wonderful blog my Mom had created. This legacy she has left brought me to a world of people who are filled with much love, experience and wisdom. Your comments and words of support have helped to bring me comfort and take away the loneliness that comes from such grief. I hold many mantras from your wise words. I truly feel that others can understand the pain. This is life. From your experience I learn that we must go on and we will go on and that still, much beauty awaits. I will always have your words to look back upon and I know they will continue to bring me comfort. How do you thank people for this? I am truly grateful for every word that you have taken the time to share with me. I will miss sharing on this blog but I will leave the last words to my Mom.
How do I thank my Mom for what she has done by creating this wonderful treasure of a blog? I can go back and read her words and it is just like I have spoken with her. I still laugh at some of her posts and she brings back so many memories with her stories. I am so proud of my Mom for starting this blog. She always said her intention was to leave a sort of memory book for us. She has left us with a chest full of jewels and gold. We can now look back upon this magic book she has written for us and hear her, feel her and remember her magical spirit and we can now share her with our children.
I have also been so thankful for you, her readers. You gave her an audience she never expected but one she cherished and it made her and her family proud to read your responses to her. You helped to make her the author we always said she should be and your love and appreciation gave much light to her days.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I wish you all so much love and happiness.
Thank you for the priviledge Mom.
*Artwork by Stephano Vitale