Monday, 12 April 2010

What Wouldn't We Do?





The days without my Mom seem to get harder and harder. For a while, it was easier not to think of her as gone, or even not to think of her. She was becoming a figment of my imagination and that was easier to live with. Now, reality continues to sink deeply in my chest, and at times, it steals my breath. At times, I feel like choking. At other times, I feel the bats in my stomach dance. After they are done, the loneliness settles in. It is the loneliness you feel when you are surrounded by people, even those close to you. This must be one of the hardest things, to lose your Mom. To lose one so full of love and hope for us. To lose someone who shares in our life and keeps us together. To lose someone so full of life and magic. We are all so heartbroken. Someone had written to me that the loss of a mother is one of life's greatest sorrows. One of the first we will not be able to share with her.



As I watched my Mom take her last breath, I could feel my spirit jump to my chest to try and get out, to try and stop her from leaving. Then, I felt a coolness rush passed me. I am happy I was there with her but it haunts me still and I am sure it always will. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to bear witness. She was gone and she still looked so beautiful. We were listening to music at the time from my uncle's computer. I remember he had it set to a random order. The song 'I Believe in Angels' by ABBA played three times in the half hour after her death. I tried to take comfort in that perhaps my Mom or my Grandma were trying to reassure us. It was typical of their style.



I thought I would feel my Mom's presence all around me and that I would talk to her and I would be ok. I was simply disillusioned. I felt nothing but the heaviness of her leaving and our loss. The thought of never being able to see her again, talk to her, hold her hand or kiss her cheek is too much for me to wrap my head around and process. We were close and spent much time together. For this, I am so fortunate but I am still greedy and want more. How does one ever get over the loss of a mother? What I wouldn't do to have her back here with us.

My poor Dad is at such a loss without her. He tells us that even though they have been together for 35 years, it was not enough. He tells us that they were just beginning. He would give away all his earthly possesions to have her back. He needs to know that he will be with her again.

Someone asked me if there were any signs that she was around. There are times when it seems Domenic is looking at something that we can not see, times when he is looking at the ceiling with wonder. I always hope that she is there calling to her grandson and making him smile.

We did have one magical moment that I keep re-living and that I would like to share with you. We were finishing supper and Josephine was outside the kitchen window dancing on the deck. She was increasingly becoming excited and laughing in a way that she always reserved for my Mom. She started to yell and laugh at the 'air' with her back to us. Then she looked at us, turned around and slapped her knees and continued to talk to the 'air' with her back to us. She laughed and squealed with delight. She turned to us again, put her face up to the glass real tight (something she's never done or seen us do) and then turned around again and talked and laughed to the 'air' as she would do with her Grandma. This went on for at least another 5 minutes and it was great to see her that way again. It was definitely the Josephine only her Grandma could bring out. A week later, I asked her if she ever sees Grandma. She said, 'I dream to her." Then she said, 'bestest star in the sky' (something I have never said to her...although I wish I did. It sounded like something my Mom would have said). I sure hope she sees her. I can take some comfort in that.





Now that things are settled, we are hoping to go back and enjoy the comments from so many of you that have helped us through this painful experience. Your love and kind words leave us speechless and less alone. We had wanted to ask anyone who had written something about our Mom (Wife, Sister and Friend) on their blogs to send us a link so we may go back and read the posts. Also, some of her blog friends have so kindly set up another blog titled reneesbookoflove.blogspot.com. This blog will be a site for people to leave comments and then the posts will be put into a book. Thank you Laurel and KJ for doing this, it's just incredible. I know this takes time so if you get a chance, it would be so appreciated.

Love to all of you,
Angelique

*Art work by Faith Evans-Sills

102 comments:

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Losing Mom is truly one of the hardest things you'll ever face...especially since she was such an extraordinary lady, mother and grandmother...I'm so very sorry...My heart is with you! Love, Janine XO

Diana Evans said...

oh precious Angelique...I had to take a moment to wipe my tears away before I could write to you...I know that there are no words that any of us can say that will make this journey any easier for you and your wonderful family....I hope you all find some comfort in knowing that we are all here....thinking of you...praying for things to get easier for you....

I know what it is like to see someone take their last breaths and it is something that stays with you forever...but you gave your Mom comfort in her last hours...you were always a wonderful daughter and he love for you and your whole family is still here.....

You know you speak of signs and I have to say that some days I feel her presence even all the way over here....I still think of her everyday and she has taught me so much about living and never taking anything for granted....

I keep trying to make something special in her honor and nothing seems like it is good enough for Renee...she was amazing...an angel living among us on earth....and now I know she is in a better place...and I believe that your son sees his Grandmother and she will watch over you all....

She was so wonderful I think she can pull some strings in heaven to help you all out....

Thinking of you always...

Hugs
Diana

Lori ann said...

oh honey. i am the same age as your mom and you are the same as my daughter. and this breaks my heart. words just don't seem right right now.
i'm praying for you Angelique, to be okay.

i wrote about your mom here :
http://loritimesfive.blogspot.com/2010/02/kindred-spirits.html

and here:
http://loritimesfive.blogspot.com/2010/03/free.html

I loved your Mom, she was loved by many. I was the one that made her the slippers at christmas, she told me she loved them, that they felt good on her feet. It made me happy to give her a speck of comfort.
She deserved so much more.
I HATE cancer.
your mom used to say Together Strong. Thats what you have to do now. We're all here for you.
much love to you sweetheart,
Lori

Snowbrush said...

I've been with my wife 38 years, and I assure you that no amount of time would ever be enough.

I watched my mother--and my father--die. The latter was fairly easy to move beyond; the former was excruciating for a year and a half. Months passed during which I wondered if I would ever again feel happiness. Then one day I did, just for a few minutes. Those few minutes taught me that I would someday be okay, and I was. Hang in there. It DOES get easier.

Marie S said...

My dear dear Angelique, oh darling how my heart breaks for you. When I think of your dad my heart just cracks open, Your mother and I were about the same age, married about the same time. My husband had cancer two years ago. My sis in law died from cancer in 2004 and my mother in law this year 2/2/10. My mom diagnosed in 2002 but cancer free now.
When I got the Renee award last year at this time, I was not ready to let anyone with cancer be my friend, it hurt too bad.
Your mom changed that and I was able to at least not break apart when my husbands mom died in Feb. You don't have to post this, I didn't know if anyone still read your mom's email, but the last post on this list will explain things a little more.
I do not know how you feel ,my mom made it so far, losing my mother in law almost cooked me, and losing my sister in about took me out, but losing a mom, I have no idea, I am so so sorry though. I can guess what it must feel like and it hurts real bad when I do.
But don't look so hard and maybe your mom will surprise you! Your children do see her. They are much closer to the place she is and not tainted by this world yet.
I love you!! Thank you for telling us all how you feel.
Oh and your mom commented on a lot of my posts after I got this award. I also saved all of her letters to me too!
Here are some of my posts;

http://mariesegal.blogspot.com/2010/03/renee-rest-in-peace-my-pretty.html

http://mariesegal.blogspot.com/2010/03/goodnight-my-pretty-i-love-you-renee.html

http://mariesegal.blogspot.com/2010/02/damn-you-cancer-damn-you.html

http://mariesegal.blogspot.com/2009/08/michelle-is-winner-3rd-giveaway-renee.html

http://mariesegal.blogspot.com/2009/08/3rd-giveaway-renee-bracelet-life-and.html

http://mariesegal.blogspot.com/2009/04/renee-award.html

Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

I am so sorry for this great loss.
I have been here myself. My mom...Cancer..that last breath. I remember feeling like I was suddenly an orphan. I lost my dad to cancer as well. I still have all these things I want to ask them. It is difficult. And years later I still miss my mom. I will remember something and long to ask her. I will come across a thought and pine to ask my dad about it.
I am truly sorry that you and your dad and your family are going through these hard times. My prayers are with you.

B.J. von Schneyder Art said...

Hello Angelique

You post made me choking, I can feel the loss in every one of your words and they touched me deeply.

You wrapped in words what I am most dread of in my life - the day we are losing our mother must be the hardest thing to bear. My heart goes out to you so much.

I´m sure your Mum is with you, 100% sure.

I hope so much that all your grief soom will make room for fondly memories and solace, I wish that for you so much, heartfelt.

Thank you for being here and sharing your feelings and thoughts with us. I think I speak for everyone here when I say I wished I could take your pain away.

Sending much strength and love your way in this hard time.

xoxo Bettina

Gloria said...

Your words are truly feltin this blog and throughout the world. I am so sorry for your greatest loss. We miss Renee so much. I listen to her music all the time and am somewhat comforted to know that she listened to it. I planted a rose bush for Renee in my garden and it has rose buds already. I can hardly wait till it blooms. All my thoughts and prayers are and will be with you and your family. Love, Gloria
I have already posted on Renee's Book of Love.

Inner Toddler said...

Angelique -
what you wrote about waiting for that feeling of her presence and being disillusioned. man, that resonated. I lost my dad when I was 19 and while it's not exaclty the same as losing a mom, i was hoping that I would feel him surrounding me, supporting me or something. but nothing. a lot of nothing. It's been almost twenty years now and I think of him every day and all he's missed and all we've missed because of the loss. and what my kids are missing. I'm so happy Renee was part of your children's lives. you will always have those memories.

I wrote a little tribute to her on my blog when she passed: http://innertoddler.blogspot.com/2010/03/end-of-journey.html

I miss her funny comments. they meant the world to me.
kisses,
susie

Jaliya said...

Angelique ... I lost my mother eight years ago and have come to think that a mother's death snatches away our very ground of being for a long, long time ...

Sending my whole heart to you and your family in this raw time ...

I miss your mom's presence so much ...

xoxo

Jaliya said...

... I just read the whole post over again and feel such gratitude for the family you all are, and for your wise ancestors like Renée's dad. One family, one tribe such as yours illumines a loving way for the rest of us. I am fortunate to be directly related to such a family too ... a family whose conscious, chosen vocation is to love -- ultimately and no matter what. Like you, dear ones, my relatives' core family has been assaulted repeatedly by grave illness and injury ... but all along, they have crafted a robust love and humour that keeps them afloat and intact ...

Angelique, here's a link to one of three posts I created for your mom ...

Bless xo

The Strawberry Mallard said...

Angelique, we have been with you in our own way...going through. Losing my MIL the same way, almost at the same time....we are with you still......sending you peace, love and strength...oh what Josephine can see!
Hugs, Nancy

PurestGreen said...

This was so beautiful Angelique. Your mom is still around, in the world's little whispering places, and you are making her proud.

Cinner said...

Angelique it breaks my heart, I have not lost my Mom, but I did lose my Dad last May. he went in for a hip replacement and never came out, that haunting image that you talk about I know, The first six months we all walked around in a daze. MY Mom like your Dad walked around, wanting more time. It is almost a year, I don't think you will ever get over that loss, but somehow someway it will become a little easier, I just don't know when...What I loved about your Mom is that she let you all know how much you all meant to her, i would read her posts and cry at everything she was going through, cry at how much she loved her family, and admire the closeness.She was and will always remain in my heart as an amazing woman. I believe in Angels, I think they are here being the brightest in the sky. what I found really helped me is writing things down....I pray it will become easier one day for you, I do know this it is terrible pain. hugs to you.

Val's Filigree Fancies said...

Dearest Angelique, I cannot even fathom the depth of your sorrow and the loss you all are feeling - I thank God everyday that my mom and dad are alive and I know that one day I too will experience their loss and I shudder, not even daring to think about that time in the future, just the thought of it brings tears to my eyes.

I wish all of you peace and ask that you know that you are all in so many of our hearts. Warmest hugz from me, always, Val xoxo

Ces said...

Hello Angelique,

What an incredible woman your Mother was and still is. She affected me very deeply. Oftentimes I find myself saying "Renee would have loved this..."

I would think that you are missing her terribly and are still saddened by her passing. The tears have gone now but I still miss my Mother very much.

Last weekend, Bella and I were comment tagging, I call it commentsation now after Steve who is a new blogger friend coined the term, we were doing it just like we used to do with your mother late at night last year. All of a sudden I remembered how she would write her comments, what she would say, how she would tease me and push my buttons...I felt sad but then glad that I had the honor of knowing her for a time in my life.

What an incredible human being she was, what a great legend she is. Take care Angelique. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Tsup! Tsup!!!

Eleonora said...

Lucky Josephine...
I love you.

Jos said...

Angelique, how my heart goes out to you. How I wish I could offer words of comfort that might have even the smallest effect. It takes a long time to process this kind of loss, to reconcile ourselves to living without the person we've spent our whole lives loving and spending time with.

How I hate it when people tell me it just takes time. Don't they get it? My heart is breaking NOW, I want to feel better NOW. I want back what's been lost, I want to go back and live it all over again but with a different ending. No ending.

This kind of thinking is all part of the process. And it's something Renee broke her heart over ... knowing that you would all have to go through this without her.

I don't know what you believe about life after life. But Renee did believe in it. And if visiting from there to here is possible then she will be doing that. It isn't enough ... not even close.

Warmest hugs to you. xx Jos

talesfromagarden said...

Losing your Mother is so hard.I lost mine 4 yrs ago this April,and we were all there when she took her last breath,she died peacefully in a local hospice from cancer too.Horrible,horrible disease!I still shed tears when I think back over her last year here, but time lessens the severity and with time you tend to concentrate on the better times had by us all when she was healthy.Hopefully you and your family will be able to move forward too with happier memories to come.

Laura Hegfield said...

My heart has jumped into my throat and there are tears welled in my eyes reading through your pain. I am blessed in that both of my parents are still living, but they are getting older and my Mom has many health issues. I can't go to the place of imagining my life without her...I don't have to yet. But when I think about it even the tiniest bit, I feel tremendous loss and longing...for more...just has you have expressed here Angelique.

I remember after my Father in Law passed on, our youngest daughter (named for him) would say odd things, like talk about the war and ship and things a 2 year old could not know about...like she was sharing his experiences...it was so strange and yet comforting too...she even shares his insatiable love of peanut butter and his comedic timing. Our children do know and see things, especially when they are young, that our adult minds won't allow us to trust.

I offer you this metta prayer, in hopes that this too will bring you comfort. Sit and say it every day for five to ten minutes at a time if you can.

May I feel safe.
May I feel happy.
May I feel strong.
May I live with ease.

The words might not ring true for you right now...but if you continue to say them, to offer them to yourself with gentleness...the feelings of each phrase will eventually fill your body again...and you will be comforted. I say the words in my mind throughout the day anytime I feel anxious, sad, lonely, frightened. I hope this practice will indeed bring you ease.
xo
Laura

Vicki Holdwick said...

Angelique, my heart goes out to you. I am just getting ready to take my Mom (she is 85 and has 14 children, 1 of whom died of cancer in the summer of 2008) back home to help her make some life-changing decisions.

I so love my Mom and knowing your Mom has helped me to treasure each day I have with her.

xoxo

Bonnie, Original Art Studio said...

Angelique: This must be an incredibly hard time for you. How wonderful that you have new little lives to nurture in the way Renee nurtured you.

I can hear Renee's voice and values ringing out now through your voice. While she is no longer with you in body she is surely imbedded in your heart.

How wonderful for you all to know what an amazing woman you had for a mother and that she was loved by so many around the entire globe.

Hang on. Bonnie xox

Bonnie, Original Art Studio said...

I wrote a brief post about Renee - http://originalartstudio.blogspot.com/2010/03/renee.html

Ingrid Mida said...

Dear Angelique,
Grief is a long and difficult journey. In your case, it is even harder because your mom was such an incredibly beautiful person. She gave of herself so freely to many of us who only knew her through her blog. My own mother is not well and yet your mom often reached out to listen and console. In October, I put some of my artwork for sale to raise money for Breast Cancer research in honour of your mom.
Many of us wish we could light your burden of grief. If you can take some comfort from your many friends and family and when the pain is too great, stop and watch your beautiful daughter because your mom lives on through her. She is also in your heart.
I send my love and best wishes to you and your family.

Diva Kreszl said...

sweet Angelique, I so feel your sense of loss. Losing one's mother must surely be the worst, at least that is how it felt for me 13 years ago. I can tell you that at first my memories were consumed by her suffering and final days. It took some time but eventually it was the happy memories that took over. I was surprised that as an adult I could still feel like an orphan. emotions would take me by surprise just when I thought I had mastered them. Be gentle with yourself dear one, one day life will gain some sense of normal but you will always miss her.

Arija said...

There is a Jewish proverb that says 'God hasn't got eyes in the back of his head, so hHe made mothers'.

A mother is the first and most important person in our life. No matter how old we are when we lose her, we are bereft for the rest of our days .It is the one wound time does not heal
My mother died more than 22 years ago and today, in etreme pain I still cried out to her and new if only she could stroke my head, I could bare the pain

Your children still have that wonderful connection with all that is and can enjoy her presence. You too felt the cold as her spirit passed you on the way to her great adventure.

I feel for you deeply and for your father's great loss as well as for the rest of your family, and judging by my own desolation at the loss of this very special friend, can appreciate your so much greater loss.

Rest assured that you can still and always speak to her, you may not get a direct answer but her wisdom will none the less make itself felt.

My love and prayers go out to all of you.

Blessings and hugs, Arija

Angela Recada said...

My heart continues to break for you all, dear Angelique. You are all in my thoughts daily.

I truly believe that your little ones see and talk with your dear mother. They are innocence and purity personified, so they can still receive these heavenly messages without question.

Your dear mother lives on, here on Earth, in your hearts and memories. She was, and is, so proud of you all. And she lives on in eternity as the beautiful free spirit who is no longer limited by her painfully failing body.

I am so very sorry for all this pain and sadness you and your family are feeling.

Sending you all my love,
xoxoxo
Angela

Debra She Who Seeks said...

My heart breaks for all of you as you go through the journey of grief. Blessings to you!

Marion said...

I can't even imagine your pain, Angelique. I pray that time will ease the hurt...What a gift that Josephine has communed with Renee! I do believe that children can see much more that we can. Love & Blessings to you!! xoxo

Meghann LittleStudio said...

I'm so sorry Angelique, I can't imagine your pain. She was such an amazing woman, so full of spirit and love. We are all better for having known her, and we all miss her terribly. I send you my warmest hugs and thoughts and prayers. She will be with you always.

Robin said...

Dearest Angelique,
Losing Renee's physcial presence is one of the hardest things you will ever undergo. I lost my beloved Mother twenty six years ago.....it still hurts. And I still cry. The wound Renee's passing left you, Wahid and the Family is still so new, so raw....what you are feeling is "normal".

Darling Renee has NOT left you though.... and in time, you, and Wahid WILL feel her presence about you - just as little Jacqueline does. (Children and animals are so much more open to this.....but, YOUR time will come - trust me.)
I feel her spirit a lot - sometimes daily - and I know many of Renee's "Blogging Family" do as well.

I wish I had more blogging entries to share with you.... one of Renee's last "gifts" to me was to encourage me to begin a blog. Sadly, I did not do it before she died....but, in tribute to her loving person, I began it on the first day of Spring. It's called "The Violet Hour" and you and the Family are welcome to "visit" any time. "Renee's Book of Love" is really for all of you - from all of us.... KJ and Lo have been amazing coordinators as we offer up our love notes to your beautiful and remarkable Mother.

My love goes out to you, to Wahid, to Jacqui, to little Jacqueline and to all your Families.

Always,

♥ Robin ♥ (from San Francisco)

Karin Bartimole said...

reading your words has brought tears to my eyes and a renewed ache in my heart as I think about how deep the loss you and you family is experiencing with Renee's absence from your daily lives. I have no doubt Domenic and Josephine are seeing and feeling their grandma near by. The delight you describe in Josephine's dance sounds like something Renee would inspire and makes me smile.

In one way you are lucky Angelique - to have a mother who has inspired such sorrow in you - not all mother's are worthy of this honor... Your mom was more of a mother to me in our short year as friends than my own in all the years of growing up (though reconciled now) - and Renee was only 5 or so years older than me! But her compassion, generosity - well, you know best of all who she was; who her spirit is - no words I express can encompass the Allness of Renee.

I did create a post in her honor,which I share with you here, titled For Renee. I feel honored to have received several gifts she sent me that i hold dear. I painting she sent hangs on my bedroom wall - something I see each morning and each night that fills my heart with Renee.

I will be adding to Renees Book of Love - it seems hard to formulate my thoughts in writing - they seem inadequate...
sending love and prayers for peace in your hearts - especially to Wahid having lost the love of his life.
Blessings to you all, Karin

Annie said...

Angelique,
My heart breaks for you, but it also is thrilled with joy as I read about Josephine's time with your mom. She as a child can open up to spirit easier than we older folk can, she can see Renee because she does not know it is not possible. I have felt your mom around from time to time, perhaps because I do believe it. Sometimes the pain is so great for you, it blocks her messages. You know what I mean? Losing a mom or a child has to be the worst. Sending love and prayers. xoxo Annie Coe

Angela Recada said...

Your description of Josephine dancing and laughing reminded me of a little conversation your mother and I had back on September 29, 2009.

That day I wrote:
"Just have to tell you something, and you can make of it what you wish. On Friday night, the day of your Sheldon's memorial, my daughter woke up during the night. She noticed something on the floor of her room. A smiley face pin she has had pinned - for years - on the strap of her favorite purse had fallen off. But the closure on the back of the pin was still closed and her purse strap was not broken. The pin had just fallen off without opening. I'm telling you this because she and I had shed some tears for you and your dear Sheldon earlier that day. I had also told her that you had told me that Sheldon would have made us laugh and laugh and laugh. We couldn't help but think of your Sheldon, and that maybe he was just stopping by to say hello and leaving us one of his beautiful smiles. My daughter is very intuitive and we both are open to all the mysteries of the Universe, so who knows?"

(Maybe he knew I would be certain to pass this on to your mother?)

She replied:
"Who knows dear Angela? Well, you know, and I know, and your daughter knows. Thank you for telling me that story. I will hold it close because I believe, you see. When people are open the world is open and the mysteries of the world are open. Kiss your daughter for me please."

I've often heard that the deceased will visit people not directly related, knowing that they will convey the message. I believe this, and more importantly, your dear mom believed this.

You know your dear mother is watching over you all, whether you consciously feel her there or not. She is in the breeze that kisses your cheeks. She is in the windchime that sounds when there is no wind. She is in the many sweet memories of her that will pop into your head the rest of your life.

Please hug your dear little ones for me, darling Angelique.
xoxoxo

Anonymous said...

ania

this was beautiful - my soul also presses hard against this earthly body in an effort to reach Pudd - each breath, each day, it presses and aches

nadia

Becky said...

Angelique you write so beautifully of your loss and pain. It is at the same time heartbreaking and uplifting. When my father died I struggled with where he had gone. I believed he was in a good place, but I couldn't wrap my head around where that place was exactly, and I found myself looking for him everywhere ~ in the cornfields he had planted that last spring, in the barn where he milked the cows every day, in the machine shed where he kept his tractors, on the breath of the wind that touched my cheek. It was so mystical and sad. I must have wept for months. I found no answers, but in time I did finally find comfort. It is about letting go, finally and completely. Acceptance that our loved one is no longer with us, a realization that they are in the spirit form and no longer the physical. It is overwhelming. The only thing, the absolutely only thing that heals is time and love. Be patient, be kind to yourself, and be loving to yourself. After all is said and done, what remains, what lingers, is what is in your heart and soul. That spirit, that gift of Renee will never leave you for all your days.
thank you for this most beautiful expression of your love, your pain, your loss.
And may you be lifted up by all of our love...

Noreen said...

Angelique, thank you for sharing, from your heart, the pain of your great loss.

Your daughter is an incredible child. The gift of simplicity through the eyes of a child. To be able to see her grandmother in a given moment is something I could learn from.

My thoughts and prayers continue to be there for you and your family.

Art by Sascalia said...

Sending you love and hugs from the U.K. Your mum will always be with you she is part of you always.

Sandy said...

Hi,

I am not near as eloquent as others in expressing their words. My blog entry regarding Renee is http://blog.simple-inspirations.com/2010/03/i-lost-piece-of-my-heart-today.html but there are many other blog entries of mine where she is mentioned. Just do a search on Renee and you will find her.

My thoughts are with you and your family. Love, Sandy

Baino said...

Keep the faith Angelique. It's good to see you posting here and keeping Renee's memory very much alive. I think of her every day when I look at my cork board and the Christmas Card she sent. I've never posted about her because so many others have done a better job but I miss our weekend catch ups. My mother died suddently and unexpectedly almost 18 years ago .. I miss her still and always will. The pain gets better but the memories stay.

Manon Doyle said...

Hi Angelique,
I cry for you and your family. It has to be the greatest pain one can endure. Even though I knew your mom for a short period of time I miss her every day. My heart goes out to you.

manon
xo

Camille Jacquie said...

angelique,
you have described exactly how i feel with the profound sadness and sorrow. i thought i was having chemo gut but possibly mixed with a bat or two myself.
to all of renee's blogger friends, i check daily to see if there is a crumb of a tale of renee, because ang is right anything you see leaves you less lonely.
i also want to thank-you for all of your endearing words regarding renee.
love jacquie

BT said...

I felt every word you wrote and know how you must miss you Mum every moment of every day. I miss her and I never had the privilage of hugging her or being hugged back. I don't know what else to say to help. Just know I, like many others, are thinking of you and your dear Dad and family.
Love,
Gina

Lynda said...

Angelique,
I found your mom about a year ago through a blog of a blog...I never met her but I loved her writing, I loved her blog style, and I grew to realize what an amazing mother she was. I lost my mother when I was very young, so do not share your experience. However, I consider your mom a model for the relationship I am developing with my 3 daughters. If any of my daughters wrote about me the way you have written about your mom I would feel like I had done my job. I am so sorry for your loss, and so thankful you had such a remarkable mother. I am also thankful I found Rene and what a treasure she was to me. You have a wonderful model as you mother your own children. Blessings to you and all of your extended family.

Anonymous said...

Ang,

I just love your post. It is so honest....just like your Mom would have written. You have me in tears and my heart is just broken for you and everyone. I don't know how that pain ever goes away. I imagine it won't but I hope you can find some comfort in the small things like Josephine on the deck. I just loved hearing that story, for Joe's sake and yours.
I am always here if you need someone to listen.
Love Chrissy

Pattee said...

Angelique... I know how hard this must be. You mom was the most amazing woman I have met in my 57 years.

I remember watching my mom taking her last breath and waiting for "something" to happen... I just know she was there saying "Alright now go take care of yourselves" I stayed with her for hours after.

My mother in law who I loved so very much loved to hear my son play black bird (by the Beatles) on his guitar.. at her memorial he played that and a huge black crow perched on the window sill for the entire song. She was there..

I know you and your siblings, dad and grand kids, aunts and uncles are forever missing your beautiful mum...

She is a star in the ever lasting universe...

She's in my heart~
Love~Pattee

Poetic Artist said...

This my dear is one of the hardest times in your life. To loose your Mom and such a wonderful and funny and honest person. My heart goes out to you and your Dad and family. Thank you for sharing with us. Binding together as a family and as friends will help your heart.
Katelen

Anonymous said...

Oh Angelique, I miss your mom and thought I would visit the blog.In my mind I see Renee having tea with my dear sister Kathy. I understand and feel your grief and wish I could comfort you some how. Writing about it is so good for you. I wrap you all in love and prayers. I will check the blog regularly now.Thank you for sharing. Love, Barb

Happy Hour...Somewhere said...

Your mom touched so many lives. I wish I had kept track of all the wonderful posts dedicated to your mother, they were inspirational, funny, touching. I guess we all miss her xoxoxo~! This was beautifully written.

kj said...

oh angelique, time will help. i know that sounds ridiculous, and you will never be the same, but you will feel the sun again and your Mother will find a way to love and care for you always. she is an amazing woman. i know that makes your loss even harder. seeing your Dad missing her must be unbearable.

we here will not forget you and your family, angelique. i'm glad you know how much your Mother is loved.

i will keep you updated on the new blog and when we are ready to put the book together.

i wish i could find words that could lessen your pain. but please believe me that you will laugh again. Renee wrote this entire blog for you and your family. her words and her love are alive.

love to you, angelique
please keep writing
kj

Nancy said...

Dear Angelique:

I'm at a loss for the right words, and I know this is such a cliche, but your mother will live on in all of us. And, you never do get over the loss of someone so dearly loved. But, I hope you will cry when you need to, and know that the pain will ease with time.

I was thinking about her alot today, and I'm glad to have found your post, though I know all of you are feeling such sorrow. But, I feel I've connected with her through you!

Peace and Love,

Nancy

Julie-ann Bowden said...

I can so believe Renee is the brightest and most beautiful star in the sky.
I wanted to tell you an experience God showed me where I came from before I came to earth.
I was in bed sat next to my hubby feeling rather low. Said to him "Sometimes I don't know why I am here".
Then I was taken away to a vision.
I was part of the universe in space.
I was resting, knew all and had no sorrow only love and peace.
God came to me and I felt my eyes open. He said to me "I have a job for you" I knew what it was without God saying anymore. It was to look after my children on earth.
Soon as I thought this I came fast to earth. This was the end of the vision.
Reading this post about your mom, your very beautiful mom.
I knew what your daughter said must be so right. She is a beautiful star and part of the universe and still shinning on you. What love she shared here.
I am sorry she had to leave you so early. Your such a beautiful family! How you and your father must be feeling. I cannot even imagine.
A huge bucket full of love to you all!

Julie

Dawn said...

My heart goes out to your family.
I have only just found your mum's blog via Cat Kerr's blog and I so wish I had known of your mum's blog before.
I am sitting here in awe of what I am reading of the love oozing from every page
She sounded like a truly awesome lady...
I was amazed to learn too that your grandma Daisy also originated from Aberdeenshire in Scotland...

Kindest wishes

Dawn

Lisa said...

My heart hurts for you. Many hugs and much love.

yoborobo said...

Oh, Angelique, this is so hard. I cannot imagine having a mom like Renee and then losing her. Such a big hole in all of your hearts. And I know this has to be so very, very hard for your Dad. There really aren't words for this. Sorrow isn't a big enough word, nor is loss. I will post on kj's blog soon, and I will send you the link to a couple of my blog posts. Please know that you are all in my thoughts and in my heart, always. Thank you, thank you for sharing about Josephine and Domenic. Children are so pure, it doesn't suprise me that they might be the ones angels could reach. :) Much love to you all, xoxoxo Pam

Julie said...

Hi Angelique--

What a lovely post! I have not yet lost someone so close to me, but I definitely believe you when you say it is one of life's greatest sorrows. My heart goes out to you and your family.

Thank you also for sharing the stories about Josephine and Domenic. I am a stone-cold skeptic in many ways, but I do sincerely believe that children can see things we cannot. I am sure Renee was visiting them.

I think I posted the link before, but just in case, here is my little post celebrating Renee:

http://geishaschooldropout.typepad.com/geisha_school_dropout/2010/03/into-the-sun.html

Keep writing whenever you want to!

Aunty Camille said...

My dear Angelique I have read this post over and over again. I have no magical words like your mom would. I feel so heartbroken for you.
I know that when a girl becomes a mother she especially feels the need to be closer to her mom.
Your mom has left a huge hole where the loneliness has settled in. Like you said even the people around you cannot help fill that void. I loved the signs from your mom. Josephine dancing and laughing on the deck. I can totally see her. She’d get sooo excited with your mom. It really was magical. The bestest star, I can for sure hear Renee telling her that. As in “who’s your best friend “ Jo would say Gramma, Who’s your bestest Star? Gramma. The cute game they played. Great memories. The blog Renee’s book of love , Amazing! She will love that. Love you Ang

pinkglitterfae said...

I'm so sorry to hear that you have so much sadness. I don't have any words of wisdom that can help, but I do know that she is not far from you. You say you can't feel her presence,that doesn't mean she isn't there. Give it time.
Children can often see those who have passed because they haven't lost their innocence yet. I have no doubt Josephine was talking with her grandma.

I still miss Renee, when I look through old blog posts and see her sweet messages. She was gone way too soon. She is indeed a shining star

hugs
betty

Sonia ;) said...

I lost my Dad going on three years ago. At first it felt like wow..it never felt like he was ever around, like a dream. Then as days went on reality sunk in...did I say I love u enough. Did I say anything wrong and if I did I was angry with myself. Then I started just missing him, his looks, laugh, jokes. Then all the memories started coming back. I can say Im getting over it now. He died from cancer and I was the last face he saw also. It will get better. They say the children are of pure heart and opened to seeing what we cant. Your Mom would be there to make them smile, in return it would make you smile.

Your mom was great comfort going through my Dad's death. I am here if you should need a friend. I feel so sad for your dad. That is a relationship different then any child relationship. We are born loving our parents. We grow to LOVE our companion for anything and everything.Its a strong intimate bond made up of love, secrets, friendship, and acceptance. Be his friend, and listen to his stories of himand your Momwill be different version from your moms...lol...

Your Mom inspired alot of people and friendships.

xoxoxox

Mim said...

I will send you links and what a magical story that is about Josephine. I believe she is open enough and young enough to see her loving grandma - maybe the rest of us would just want to hold on too much.

You will not ever "get over" your mom - but give yourself some time to let the grief lessen. it does take time for that knife edge to heal.

deb said...

oh, this grief. I cannot fathom
It is perfectly okay to feel this torment, your love was so deep and beautiful, I can imagine the sorrow equally so.
I pray for you and your family.
I still don't understand why I was able to share in Renee's sacred world for the little time that I did.
I thank God for it.
She will always remain in a special place in my heart, helping me to be a better mother to my five children, wife, woman, friend.
Blessings
and thank you for giving us these words.

Mim said...

Angelique - here is my post for Renee - maybe a bit obscure but all who saw it knew who it was about.

http://ammdh.blogspot.com/2010/03/miss-em-and-crow.html

Much love, mim

Mollye said...

I don't know how I found you but I do not believe in mistakes ...it was meant for me to be here. No you will never get over losing your Mother. You will however with faith learn to work through it and accept it. My mother died in 1988 and I still can feel as if it were yesterday at times. I am doing a special Mother's Day Bottle Swap in her memory this year and hoping it will help me hsare her with others. You are fortunate that so many knew and loved your mother. What a blessing. Thinking of you! XXMollye

lawatha said...

I can just picture Renee laughing and visiting Dominic and Josephine. Joy... The thought of them being able to see her beautiful smile and hear her laughter... pure joy.

Shelly said...

Oh Ang, it is hard to find comfort in anything right now - when we lose a Mom part of us has ended and we have this feeling of no longer being the people we were ... one day you will see certain characteristics and strengths of your Mom in your daughter as I see them in you - passed from one generation to the next … I feel your sorrow and miss your her tremendously.

rochambeau said...

Dearest Angelique,
Thank you for writing this. I have prayed for you and your family.

Your mother was and remains such a positive force in my life. I too am a daughter who loves her mother who has cancer, so your words are poignant and meaningful to me especially.

Your mother Renee, had a special way of making people feel appreciated and accepted. She was not afraid to use the word love. Often would sign. I Love you, Love Renee!! She had a terrific sense of humor, and a blunt and honest way about her that wasn't mean, but truthful, she was a fighter of cancer and was brave and filled with grace.

Your mother wrote me a prayer once that I keep in my bible.
This is what she wrote and it still makes me cry to read:

Constance I am so happy for you.

And...
May you be at peace.....
May your heart remain pure....
May you always know that you are highly thought of....
May you continue to bless me with your friendship.

Love to you dear Constance.

Love Renee xoxoxo


Did you know Angelique and Wahid.
I once read a book about the spiritual live of children written by a Harvard professor. The point of the book is that children are indeed connected to the spiritual world in a way adults are not. So it was reassuring to hear about Josephine and Domenic's experiences.


Renee is in my heart.
The day she died I felt her spirit or a presence by my face. I do believe that your Mom, wife, our dear friend is in a good place but I miss her too.

Love to you and your family.
May you be at peace.
Love,
Constance



http://rochambeau.typepad.com/my_weblog/sacred/

http://rochambeau.typepad.com/my_weblog/2010/02/a-prayer-for-renee.html

Deborah said...

Angelique, the visits will come...my friend said the same about losing her father, that everyone around her felt him and she kept saying she was just empty and could not feel him, not find him...until he came in a song to her. I cannot begin to imagine how your family must miss Renee, for knowing her only in the cyber world, I miss her so much every day. Your Mom prayed for my son every day when he was in Iraq. Once when he was on a mission and did not return on time, she even dreamed that she was with him that night...and I do believe she kept him safe. I now pray for you and your family every day. You write beautifully. Sending all my love on the wings of a desert sparrow. Deb

Yoli said...

Take heart that she will never leave you, that she is with you now as she has always been. Your Mom was and still is a force and an inspiration to many.

Sarah said...

Aww sweetie..I am so sorry you are going through this..so very hard to loose your Mama..I have too..I understand. I also mourn you sweet Mama..she was such a love to me!
So glas you are sharing here hon..I love that you are..hope that you continue! Know you are loved and we are all still here.
Love and hugs, Sarah

secret agent woman said...

Oh, I am so sorry, and can only imagine the grief you must be feeling. These were my posts about your mother and family:

http://incognitoagent.blogspot.com/2009/07/held-in-light.html

http://incognitoagent.blogspot.com/2009/09/one-less-light-in-this-world.html

http://incognitoagent.blogspot.com/2010/03/good-bye-i-was-hoping-i-would-not-have.html

Mary Ellen said...

Angelique, while it can't lessen the depth of your loss, you share so vividly how much love and light your mom brought into the lives of those around her. How wonderful to perceive - or at least guess at - the possibility of her continued loving connection with the little ones.

Sophia said...

Oh Angelique,
I wish I could offer you words of comfort far beyond what you could ever imagine and hope for. Your mother was so special and a blessing to us all. Hold to her incredible and unconditional love. Even on the days you do not feel like she is there....she is. She will never leave you in spirit.

Much love!

nollyposh said...

Dearest Angelique, When i lost my Dad suddenly in 1998, i spent one whole year wishing that i were dead too... i think for a time i became a zombie, i know i must have tended to my then baby and toddler, and little girl, i know that i must have kissed their little faces and fed them and tucked them in at night... But i don't remember it because i was not in this worlde, and nor was i in the worlde that my father had left me for... i felt abandoned and angry and then so heartbroken that the pain became a real broken~ness in my chest... i was lost and my heart felt as though someone had ripped it from my chest, torn a corner off it and shoved the rest back into my chest, the pain was so real that some days i could hardly breathe... i knew his death had taken something from me that i could never know again and i knew that i could never be the same... i used to stand at my bedroom window and look out into the darkness at night and call to him silently, plead with him silently to let me know that he was okay... Then my son, only 2yrs old and hardly speaking started to talk to me about a 'happy man' on the roof at night (He never knew my father and so had no name for him) But my little boy would look deep into my eyes and say... Nana (my mum) 'Nana~man!' i knew in my heart that he was talking about my dad, i know now that it was my dad reaching out to me... A year after his death i spoke with a beautiful and well respected Medium and spoke with my dad and i learned that while i was calling to the darkness, that all the time my dad was standing by my side, that while i cried silent tears that my dad was sitting with me, and i know now that my dad still loves me and is always with me, always just like your dear mother is too... And now when i call, he delivers messages in all manner of ways, but while my children were little it was always through them... Don't doubt those beautiful messages from your mum, she would never leave you, she kisses you every night through your love for your children <3

studio lolo said...

Dear Angelique,

I apologize for getting here late. I'm very behind in blogging these days.

I love that you can pour your heart out here. Your mom would love that too. I want you to know it's a lace of comfort, friendship and refuge.

What a magical visit Josephine had!! Reading that made me so happy. Of course it was your mom!

I have pieces of her all around my studio. Her Christmas card is on my memory board. Ravens surround me in paintings and sculptures. That was our "sister" connection. And I always buy fresh yellow flowers every week and keep them here for her.

She was going to call me the day before she went into the hospital. I came so close to hearing her voice and being able to tell her I love her over the phone. I know she knew this already.

I was there for my mom's last breath too. The silence of her not breathing cut the air like a knife.
I will never, ever forget what that felt like. That was 25 years ago and I miss her every day still.
Your mom and I had several talks about her.

Please find comfort in your memories. Let your dad and Jacquie know that none of you are forgotten. If Renee meant this much to us, then your pain and grief must be immeasurable.

Keeping you all in my heart and sending many blessings...

xoxo
Love,
Laurel (Lolo)

~* Peach Street Folk Art *~ said...

Oh Angelique, I know just what you're feeling and because I do, I wish you didn't have to feel it.

I was with my mom when she passed and like you I'm glad I was there but I'm also certain that because I was, a part of me died with her. My son was 3 at the time and was upstairs asleep. She passed unexpectedly while visiting with us. They were close the way your mom and Josephine were. It took me a week to tell him. Before that day, when we passed by cemeteries and he asked what the place with all the flowers was, I told him the only thing I could, a garden. So how was I suppose to tell him about dying especially since it was his Choo Choo. When I finally told him, he said that he already knew Choo Choo was gone. She had 'come to him in a dream'. Those were his exact words. I knew with a certainty it was so even though now at 6 he does not remember that dream and at the time he didn't really know the meaning of gone. He still refers to my mom's resting place as Choo Choo's garden.

I can't tell you this in a way that will help you feel better but I can tell you that it does get easier. Mostly because it has to. I remember after my mom passed I waited for this devine sign from her and when I didn't necessarily get one or feel her surrounding me all of the time, I felt like she'd left me all over again. Now I realize that means she's okay and she knows I am too even if I don't feel like it all of the time. They KNOW something we only THINK we know. This is only the dress rehersal to a beautiful, never-ending play. And while we are selfish and want them here, they are patient and know that the being apart is only for a little while.

I'm going through my second pregnancy, my first without my mom, and I can't pretend it isn't hard without her because it is. I feel her loss strongly, though she's been gone 3 years.

I've been gardening alot lately and nearly everytime I go outside, a dragonfly lands on my baby bump. Once there were three. And they just sat there no matter what I did, looking up at me from my belly. I don't know that it means anything but in that moment, I felt her. I knew she knew about her grandson. And it's moments like those, even if you only have one or two in a lifetime, that remind you, you're okay and your mom is too.

I miss your mom too.

Hugs to you,

Jamie

Barbara said...

Dear Angelique,
My heart goes out to you. I remember well the pain of losing my mom when I was just 35 and feeling so robbed. I remember seeing a woman's hand on the doorframe of her car on the freeway and having a momentary jolt, thinking "But maybe she's there! Maybe it's all a mistake." But maybe it was my mom's way of making me remember her hands, and reminding me that she was still there for me. I believe in all those signs.

Renee was so special and you were both so lucky to have each other. She loved you so.
I left a small post about Renee on my blog.
Love to you and your family. Barbara xoxox
http://abirdinmyhand.blogspot.com/2010_02_01_archive.html

karen gerstenberger said...

Angelique, I wish I could take your hand, look into your eyes, and tell you something that would comfort you. I never met your mom in the flesh, yet I felt her love every time I visited this blog, and every time she visited mine. I know she loves you forever. That doesn't replace her presence, and no one ever will. I know this because of Katie's passing. It doesn't go away, but it does get easier. You can learn to live with it. I just saw this quote on another blog, and it says it better than I could:
Anne Lamott's words ~
"You will lose someone you can't live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved.

But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up. And you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly - that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with that limp."

Our hospice social worker told us that young children can indeed see those who have passed. And we experienced some inexplicable signs after Katie's passing that give me more than hope. It's a kind of knowing that she is there, and free. In fact, I actually think that your mother will have been looking for Katie, because she would. If you ever want to email me, I'd love to talk to you: karenlborenatyahoodotcom. God bless you.

~Babs said...

I love how Josephine says she dreams TO her, and not OF her, or about her.
I think she knows things that only she is able to know,,,,one of the great mysteries of life.

My Mom has been gone two years now, and yet she's still here. Sometimes it's just the way I catch myself speaking like she would.I sound just like her. Amazing.
You will be amazed in time also,,in ways we don't yet know.

Thanks for staying with this blog Angelique, we love hearing from you,Renee's Angel on earth.

yoborobo said...

Angelique - I am stopping by to tell you I am thinking of you and your family. I know these days are full of sadness and grief. Hug little Josephine for me. I am so happy she had a visit from your mom. xoxoxo Pam

Pretty Things said...

(((hugs)))

Jenniwren said...

My heart both breaks and aches after reading the last few blog entries on circling my head. I have been a follower of Renee and her blog for quite a while now, and I feel i went through so much with her. I often commented on the wonderful way she expressed herself and share and bared her soul with all of her faceless friends in blogland.
I could go on forever, but I wont. I will just say, that given time, you will feel her presence and know she is with you. It took my Mum a while to let me know she was around, but I often feel her presence, in just a thought, a smell or when someone says something that my Mum would say.
Mum has been gone 15 years, and I can smile when I think of her and it doesnt hurt so much.
Stay strong.

MBNAD woman said...

Here are my links to posts that I've written about Renee:

http://madagainblogspot.blogspot.com/2009/08/into-lean-and-slipperd-pantaloon.html

This was the one that I wrote just after I had started following her writing.

And:

http://madagainblogspot.blogspot.com/2010/02/for-renee.html

Previously, she had commented on a picture of a pie on my blog and said how much she would like a piece. I didn't realise how very ill she was at that time and how she had not been able to eat. When I wrote this, I knew that she was very very poorly and time was running out.

I hope that you enjoy what I wrote inspired by and for your mother.

I wish that I could tell you that losing a parent gets easier as the years pass. It doesn't really but it does get different. I was 29 when my lovely dad died very suddenly. My son was born 18 months afterwards and I have wept buckets for the love they never shared. It gives me great joy to see my father in my son's humour, practicality and left-side view of the world.

with love
Mad x

One Womans Thoughts said...

I stil love your Mom's blog (and that you are adding to it, blending the her and the you!) and she had an occasional comment to mine. She lives on in you my sweet lady, this you hold true by how you talk and how you feel. I have lost my parents and brother too and the pain is deep and yet the love deeper. You can miss them at any given time and still you love and appreciate that you had them with you for the time you did. Big hug to you and your family for your loss and heartaches. Thank you for touching me with your words.
Katharina

kj said...

angelique, i always think of your MOM on saturdays. i don't know why. she has connected me with several of her special friends and that has been a joy.

thinking of you too today with great love.

kj

Robin said...

Dear Angelique,
Just checking in to say that
I think of Renee and YOU a lot ....
and I know our "blogging family" does too. We all miss our Raven-Sister, our Moon-Sister so much...

Life without her physical presence must be unbearable at times....but, as I said to you, one day (hopefully soon), you will feel your beautiful Mother's spirit next to you and telling you NOT to grieve for her - because she is still here, she still lives.

I send you, Wahid, Jacqui and all the family love, strength, hope and faith.....

Always,

♥ Robin, in San Francisco ♥

Jos said...

Hello Angelique

Just popping by to say hello and let you know that you are all still very much in my thoughts and prayers.

Remember that although it feels like this brokeness will never heal, it will ease. You won't be the same as before, how could you be?

Even so, joy will return ... seeping in from the edges, catching you unawares. And as it happens ... and believe me, it will happen ... don't deny it, and don't feel bad about it.

Warmest hugs to you all. xx Jos

A Cuban In London said...

This is one of those moments in life which you know will arrive but for which you're never truly prepared. I read your words with pain in my heart and sadness in my eyes. I did write a Sunday post about Renee and took the liberty of using one the photos she posted of herself here on her blog. It was in March. The date escapes me now. If you want to read it, you're more than welcome to. Your mother was a very inspiring person. I miss her a lot.

Donna, The Decorated House said...

Dear Family of Renee~
We continue to hold each of you in our hearts as you grieve, and celebrate an amazing life.

How very blessed you are to have so many who can share with you how much Renee touch their hearts and souls as well.

Hugs, Donna

Nina P. said...

Losing someone as dear as a parent, and especially a mother, leaves a whole in your heart. The firsts are the hardest; first mother's day, first birthday (yours and hers), etc... but what the passage of time teaches is that memories never fade. Feel her close on the days you are low. She is there with her arm gently caressing your cheek wiping the tears away. She is there in the silence whispering I Love You in your ear. She is in your dreams singing lullaby's rocking you to sleep... Listen to your soul, she is there healing the hole she left.... each day, each hour, each breath, she is there with you always... The questions you have, she is answering if we listen with our hearts open.... She was an Angel here on earth and I know she is Home with her family and friends that have gone before... Grieve as you must, for it is part of healing, then celebrate her life by celebrating yours. Blessings to you and yours always. Love and Light, Nina P

Julie-ann Bowden said...

Sending you loads of love!

Julie

Dawn said...

Angelique my heart goes out to you and yours, such a loss to bear, the hardest indeed, I dread the day.
I had to stop to wipe away the tears, so God knows how you must be feeling.

Seems to me that your family are strong and love each other dearly that you will come to a day when you can talk of your mum without the bats in your stomach... I pray that day is not far away.
Hold on to your memories and I believe that your beautiful daughter is connecting with your mum even though she may not know it, God bless you xxxx

Draffin Bears said...

Dear Angelique,

I know of the heartbreak you are going through at this time and I am very sorry for you and your family.

Being with my Father, last September when he took his last breath, was a very sad time for my family and I.
There are no words, that can take the pain away in loosing a loved one.
I think we need to remember the happy memories, to help us get through the days.
My thoughts are with you and your family and may you know comfort and peace surrounding you.
Sending my love and hugs
Carolyn

Odd Chick said...

your writing is so beautiful and so sadly haunting to read about your pain- i still have my mom and it scared me to think about feeling some of those feelings. i know your feelings are raw and the sadness must wash over you like a wave and things will never be the same. i can only hope that there will remain a deep red welt on your heart of gratefulness for having such an amazing soul for a mom. and i hope it helps to read our words from our hearts to yours.

Unseen Rajasthan said...

I agree with Sniffles !! Losing mother is like standing Aloof in the crowd !!Extremely sorry to hear that !!May God Bless you !!

Annie said...

Just stoped by to send love and hugs. I was thinking of your mom a lot today, I felt her near. She loves you so.
xoxo

Elizabeth said...

Oh, Angelique, I am sorry for your pain and your loss. I trust that it will not be something that you will get over but that you will incorporate into your being. And you will live and be stronger for it. Here's a link to a post I did for Renee before she died: http://elizabethaquino.blogspot.com/2010/02/pray-for-renee.html

Renee always encouraged me, supported me and, I think, loved me as the mother of a daughter with a severe disability. She made me laugh and cry and was so giving of her spirit.

Silke said...

Oh, dear Angelique, this put me right back to 23 years ago when I lost my mother. There's nothing that compares to it. And I think especially if you had a close relationship with her like you did.

After my mother died, I had the most vivid dreams of her where she would come to me and we would talk, we would spend time and always she had to go back to where she was now. One day, I met a stranger in the street who said to me out of the blue:"Those dreams you are having of your mother, she wants you to know that they are not just dreams." I had never seen this man before nor since, but that statement changed everything for me.

Now, I simply KNOW that she is around and I talk to her and "listen" for her. It's easier for children to connect with those who have gone before, but you, too, will feel her around. Just give it time.

Thinking of you all the time!!

Much love!! Silke

Sydney said...

I meant to write this when you first posted but got delayed.

It was such a beautiful story about the porch and Josephine... and "I dream grandma". If it's true that children are much closer to that world than the one we have grown into, I believe her 100%.

Shaista (Lupus in Flight) said...

Dear Angelique, oh yes your mother is still very much around, whenever she is needed she will be there before you ask. I cannot imagine the loss of my own mother - the thought of it makes my world bleak and drained of colour, so I do everything now to show her how adored and appreciated she is.
Here is the link to my blog post for Renee:
http://shaistatayabali.blogspot.com/2010/02/footsteps.html

Pattee said...

Happy Mothers day to all of you who celebrate Renee's life...She was a wonderful mother and a wonderful friend, one that I will never replace ever... She was one of a kind, and I miss and love her to this day.

Happy Mother's and sisters day to you
Love ~ Pattee

faerwillow said...

~time heals but never replaces the one we l♥ve so very much the one we've lost...honoring and remembering your mama is such a beautiful way to keep her present...

http://tofallorstumbleupon.blogspot.com/2010/03/reneegone-but-not-forgotten.html

i wish for each of you only peace to fill your hearts...warm wishes and brightest blessings~

Mel said...

My heart aches for you and with you. It is almost two years since I lost my father, and I am still a student of grief. It has its way with your heart and soul. I can say that the rough edge is off the sense of empty loss, and I work hardest to hold on to the memories of all that made him so special, just like you will with your mom. They were similar life forces, I think. My mother is struggling greatly now with the permanence of his absence, and lonliness. She never expected to fight off her breast cancer long enough to be a widow for two years. I too have talked to the darkness, it is dusk that makes me feel the lonliest. I have dreamt only once of my father, and he never spoke, would not acknowledge that he had died, only smiled and hugged me. I believe now it was his message to me, to not dwell in sorrow, but to remember him with love and joy. Your beautiful words, the love of your family, the love and thoughts and memories that live on all over the world will bring some comfort and keep the best of your mother still here.

I found a book of prose called The Art of Losing by Kevin Young that has helped me find common ground and small insights, though I must work slowly through the pages. I stll miss him terribly, and just posted a few photos and words about becoming unstuck from his loss. In little bits, life resumes.

Thank you for so eloquently sharing your grieving process, and for keeping Renee's blog still a place of wonder, love and life. I wish you peaceful moments, happy dreams and loving memories.