Monday, 12 April 2010
What Wouldn't We Do?
The days without my Mom seem to get harder and harder. For a while, it was easier not to think of her as gone, or even not to think of her. She was becoming a figment of my imagination and that was easier to live with. Now, reality continues to sink deeply in my chest, and at times, it steals my breath. At times, I feel like choking. At other times, I feel the bats in my stomach dance. After they are done, the loneliness settles in. It is the loneliness you feel when you are surrounded by people, even those close to you. This must be one of the hardest things, to lose your Mom. To lose one so full of love and hope for us. To lose someone who shares in our life and keeps us together. To lose someone so full of life and magic. We are all so heartbroken. Someone had written to me that the loss of a mother is one of life's greatest sorrows. One of the first we will not be able to share with her.
As I watched my Mom take her last breath, I could feel my spirit jump to my chest to try and get out, to try and stop her from leaving. Then, I felt a coolness rush passed me. I am happy I was there with her but it haunts me still and I am sure it always will. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to bear witness. She was gone and she still looked so beautiful. We were listening to music at the time from my uncle's computer. I remember he had it set to a random order. The song 'I Believe in Angels' by ABBA played three times in the half hour after her death. I tried to take comfort in that perhaps my Mom or my Grandma were trying to reassure us. It was typical of their style.
I thought I would feel my Mom's presence all around me and that I would talk to her and I would be ok. I was simply disillusioned. I felt nothing but the heaviness of her leaving and our loss. The thought of never being able to see her again, talk to her, hold her hand or kiss her cheek is too much for me to wrap my head around and process. We were close and spent much time together. For this, I am so fortunate but I am still greedy and want more. How does one ever get over the loss of a mother? What I wouldn't do to have her back here with us.
My poor Dad is at such a loss without her. He tells us that even though they have been together for 35 years, it was not enough. He tells us that they were just beginning. He would give away all his earthly possesions to have her back. He needs to know that he will be with her again.
Someone asked me if there were any signs that she was around. There are times when it seems Domenic is looking at something that we can not see, times when he is looking at the ceiling with wonder. I always hope that she is there calling to her grandson and making him smile.
We did have one magical moment that I keep re-living and that I would like to share with you. We were finishing supper and Josephine was outside the kitchen window dancing on the deck. She was increasingly becoming excited and laughing in a way that she always reserved for my Mom. She started to yell and laugh at the 'air' with her back to us. Then she looked at us, turned around and slapped her knees and continued to talk to the 'air' with her back to us. She laughed and squealed with delight. She turned to us again, put her face up to the glass real tight (something she's never done or seen us do) and then turned around again and talked and laughed to the 'air' as she would do with her Grandma. This went on for at least another 5 minutes and it was great to see her that way again. It was definitely the Josephine only her Grandma could bring out. A week later, I asked her if she ever sees Grandma. She said, 'I dream to her." Then she said, 'bestest star in the sky' (something I have never said to her...although I wish I did. It sounded like something my Mom would have said). I sure hope she sees her. I can take some comfort in that.
Now that things are settled, we are hoping to go back and enjoy the comments from so many of you that have helped us through this painful experience. Your love and kind words leave us speechless and less alone. We had wanted to ask anyone who had written something about our Mom (Wife, Sister and Friend) on their blogs to send us a link so we may go back and read the posts. Also, some of her blog friends have so kindly set up another blog titled reneesbookoflove.blogspot.com. This blog will be a site for people to leave comments and then the posts will be put into a book. Thank you Laurel and KJ for doing this, it's just incredible. I know this takes time so if you get a chance, it would be so appreciated.
Love to all of you,
*Art work by Faith Evans-Sills