Monday, 1 February 2010

My First Home No. 2

It is 2:22 a.m. and I just got out of bed yelling ‘Fuck off. Oh my God my side. Fuck.’ I was up an hour ago and took some pills for my knees and had some popsicles. Now I am up and had some pills for my side. ‘Fuck.’

Spent the day at Mom’s and just basically watched her sleep and then went in one of Shelly’s rooms and slept myself.

Today the priest came and gave Mom the Last Rites. It actually was really beautiful. There was Joey, Gord, Doug, Liz, Peter, Suzie, Camille, Father Aubin, Mom (sleeping), Shelly, me, Nadalene, Taylor, Colette, Mickey, and I don’t even know who else was behind us.

Love is physical and you can feel it. Everyone is concerned for the other.

I’m watching the three youngest Joey rubbing Mom’s back, Shelly rubbing Mom’s feet, and Gerry rubbing Mom’s hands. They are going at it all at the same time but could be doing it one at a time as they are so focused and really are just them and our Mom.

Then Nathan and Angelique came. Nathan had bought red roses for Grandma which were beautiful and roses he had dropped off the day before for Jacquie and some he had also placed on Sheldon’s grave after cleaning it and so Jacquie was happy.

I went and had a sleep because I am exhausted.

Nadalene woke me up because Ben had built a ramp for his Mom and Jacquie was coming over and would be there in a few minutes. So Jacquie got to see Mom and even though Mom did not really wake to know Jacquie was there, the rest of us were thrilled. And funny thing is she did know because later in the night when Jacquie was gone she asked where Jacquie was gone.

My side right now is killing me. Christ already, I’ve done my bit and taken the pills – do yours already.

Funny tonight to see everybody order Chinese Food from the place that my parents have ordered from for over 40 years.

Gerry and Quin came in from Lethbridge on Friday.

We listen to Englebert Humperdink and Sidney Divine and all the Scottish music and other music that we all grew up on and that made me feel like crying the most. Seeing Mom who was so full of life and loved her music just kind of lying there and the music became like little stories to me. I saw thousands of life experiences with each little story.

Mom getting her head lovingly rubbed by Angelique, it was so puffy and I loved seeing my daughter rub my mother’s head.

On Saturday Jacquie and I were both so sick and I heard Mom had a horrible day too. I who should have been able to go see my Mom could not even keep awake. I threw up or I slept and I wished I was dead.

Jacquie is on her week of chemo and said that she was so tired and her stomach was so bad and she just couldn’t keep her eyes open.

Mom had a horrible day too.

Of the three of us I am the weakest because I want to quit the fastest. I’m tired of it all.

‘Oh my God, I am sick of this, my left side is killing me. I’m thirsty and I’m tired.’

Our family does not hold each other at a distance and view our problems as individual problems. Families do not walk away from each other. Your problems become our problems. This is simply the way our family works. Blood is thicker than water.

One of the grim realities ahead for us is that my Mom will die and she won’t be there anymore for any of us. We will live and she will die and we won’t have her in the present but only in the past.

But we will have each other. Families are there to stop us from having to be alone.

‘Where is the let up? Christ already.’

I remember reading Vonnegut where he stated that the reason everyone was so lonely and unhappy was that we had forgotten about extended families. That our families were shrinking and becoming more and more separated and independent and all of a sudden when part of the family goes then there is nothing left to fill the gap and that everyone would be happier if we just had bigger families. I think they may not need to be bigger but at least connected.

My parents were people that sparkled and whose eyes were full of hope. They transferred that hope to us. They were always willing to celebrate the ordinary and make us all feel worthwhile, no matter what it was we did.

It is 3:05 a.m. and I feel like shoving myself into the hospital. But I won’t, I think I can bear this and hopefully the pain will go away.

How are you doing over there Mom? How are you doing over there Jacquie?


Teri and the cats of Furrydance said...

You are amazing...reading about your day, your night, your family, your pain, your love...

We go on, or we don't, but you go on with such grace and fire and softness and roughness...

Reminds me of a precious jewel, with so many facets--some sparkling, some dark...depending on the way the light shines on it.

I hope your pain subsided and you could rest finally.

The Dutchess said...

Its strange...very often I am the first to comment overhere...and I am happy for be able to reach you in thoughts and comforting words..Can't find them easy this time..just want to give you a warm embrace..I am living far away but I feel myself very close to you. Thinking about the night my mother died..This was 34 years ago,I was 18! I still miss her..I am now older then my mother was! She now lives in my hearth and she travels with me where ever I go. Yesterday she and I made a beautiful walk through a snowy forest..
Hug..and stay strong dear girl.

Momo Luna said...

Hi there sweer darling Renee,

hang on girl, i think you are a strong, brave person. This post is so lovelly written, so caring, i can feel all the LOVE in it. I really can. Sweetheart i wish you and your family lots of strength but to feel all that love amongst each other must be encouraging.

A big hug and lots of xxx for you Renee and also hugs and sweet greetz for your family.

xoxo Monica

Silke said...

Oh, Renee, sweetie! Your post makes me smile and cry at the same time! The love you have in your family is so very special! And there is something so sacred about being with someone as they make their transition whether it's coming into this world or leaving it! I'm so sorry that both you and Jacquie are not feeling well as you want to be by your mother's side. Sending you all all my love, much strength and no physical pain!! Love you, Silke

Michelle said...

Oh god, I am sending you love Renee


one little acorn said...

Nothing matters as much as the love you have for your family. As they embrace and connect and they hold each other close. And right now, especially in this moment, family and the love you have for them is everything.
I send you all my love Renee, and to your Mum and Jacquie and wish so much that this pain could miraculously be taken away.

jacquie said...

you can not go on like this day and night and day and night
they will know what to do at the hospital, not for the cancer but for the pain and will also put you on intervenous so you do not suffer from dehydration and all that entails....
i don't blame you for wanting to let go ....but am selfish and want you to live another day..
but not how you are suffering and so you do need to go to the hospital because i love you so much and if i had gone to the hospital when you were tellint me to i might have still had my mobility....but no i had to wait as all the necessary test were lined up and due in days ....
please think about this..
together strong

jacquie said...

Of the three of us I am the weakest because I want to quit the fastest. I’m tired of it all."
you are the STRONGEST and NOT the weakest............
are you forgetting how long you have been dealing with this horendous pain and starvation ?
you need nutrition and fluids and to get this pain under control with proper medication... to keep going renee.
i love you to the moon and back..
together strong.

momcat said...

Thinking of you Rene and trusting God for your release from pain. So happy that Jacquie got to see her mom and that mom knew that she had been. Proud of Ben too for devising the ramp to get Jacquie to her mom. Your family is great!

Arija said...

Poor old Renee, you are having a tough time of it. No matter how hard it gets at times, there is still a reason for your being alive. Maybe it is for your learning or more probably for that of someone else in your family. Sometimes we have to endure the dread, the pain and the puking for their sake. Our suffering is not without purpose, it is however a big pain in the butt while it lasts.

Renee, you look so like your mother it is uncanny.

Love Arija

Ces said...

Good mrning dearest,

You are a loving family. A loving family sustains itself and when times are tough, loving families survive gracefully and move on towards the next journey. It is painful to lose a beloved parent but death, a death characterized by love is beautiful. It is a part of life. We should not be afraid of death. We don't have to like it or love it, neither desire it when it is not our turn but when it is time, we should let go. Your mother's love will sustain all of you just as it had before, now and forever. It will not die. How do I know? My mother and your mother seem to be like you and me, sisters from afar. The sadness of losing my mother was soon replaced by the acceptance of her eternal rest and the blessing of her eternal love that lives within my heart and sustains me. I love you my dearest Renee. Be strong once again. Just keep on loving Love is so powerful.

Ribbon said...

I've written several things in this comment box and then deleted... I'm kind of lost for words, but I want to help take your pain away and I can't.

big love to you and your family...
if I lived near to you I would help in pratical ways... I'd cook, clean and help when needed... I'm good at that.

Peace be with you xoxox

kj said...

Jesus, Renee.

"Love is physical and you can feel it."

this is what you said. you said this in the midst of your own hardly bearable pain and in the midst of a close to unbelievable epidemic of loss in your family.


everyone here is going to say how sorry we are, how wonderful your Mother and family are, how much we all love you.

it is all we have to say, to give, and it feels so insufficient.

honestly i have had loss in my own life. but i don't know why i so so wish i could protect you from yours.

i think it must be because you are a remarkable woman, honest and articulate and so very brave. you are so very brave. and how you live and what you share goes right to the core of the connections and love you have written about today

so renee, i'm sorry and i love you and i can only think that you, and jacquie too, are being prepared for something too big for anyone to understand.

renee, how tiny to say this now, but your writing is glorious.

love always

Heidi said...


The days ahead will be so difficult. Our mothers are one of the most important people in our lives. When end of life brings such "bad days" it is that much more difficult.

Knowing that I am extended family, I feel honored. Your family has been "my family" many times during my life and for that I am so grateful.

My heart aches for you as you endure yet more cancer crap. Love you so much...

Anonymous said...

gosh i love you. i love your honesty, i love your way with words, i love the love that you give so fiercely and selfishly to your family and friends, i love everything about you little lover.
I also love your Mom and Jacquie and I too love that your daughter rubbed your Moms head, I loved that.
I love that you all stick so tightly together, it is beyond wonderful.
I am thinking of your side minus the pain, I am thinking very very hard about it.
I love you, even when you dont hear from me i am still thinking about you, you have no idea how much I think about you Renee.
I adore you.

Vicki Holdwick said...

Hi dear Renee,

Were you a Star Trek fan? Do you remember the empaths? They could come to you and hold you and take your pain away and they would soon recover. Of course, if the pain/sickness they took as their own was too much they could die.

I am not sure I am brave enough to say I would take all your pain/sickness, but I think it would be so great if I could share some of it with you so you wouldn't feel so shitty all the time. Actually with all the friends you have, we could each take just a bit so that none of us would be terribly sick and we could all recover together. What a lovely thing that would be!

I am so sorry you are losing your mother, but glad for her that she has such a loving family with her.

I am with you in my thoughts and hope you soon find a small bit of comfort.


zoe said...

oh, poor renee! i'm so sorry! please don't talk about giving up. there are so many people who care about you and are sending you vibes of strength and warmth, focus, i know you will feel it!!
did you ever hear anything else from the doctor about why the cancer was doing something it shouldn't do? (moving to places it normally didn't move?)
i'm sending you big loving, morphine thoughts...

yoborobo said...

Renee, there is so much pain in your life right now. Every kind a person could have. I don't blame you one bit for wanting to quit. I love you, and of course, I want you to keep fighting because I am a selfish sister. :) I pray that the pain in your side has gone away, and that you have gotten some rest. I will keep praying. I am so grateful that your Mom is in Shelly's house, with all of you gathered around her. I am so glad that Jacquie got to come see your Mom. My heart hurts for you all. Your family is a beautiful thing to watch from afar, the strength of the love that you have for each other is humbling. All my love and prayers to you. A big kiss and a hug to you, my tired friend. xoxox Pam

Debra She Who Seeks said...

I've been thinking of you and your Mom and family all weekend, wondering how things were going. Wishing you strength and peace and a respite from pain.

Artistic Accents by Darla said...

Oh Lord Renee...I just don't know what to say or do to help right now. I WISH there was something!
I'm SO sorry about your Mom and I'm pissed that you're having so much pain. I'm so very sorry and I'll continue to be here, to listen and to pray♥
Love, Darla

Sarah said...

Oh my dear Renee...that I could take this from you hon..or lessen the pain of all of this. I want you know this I feel.
I am so glad your mother is alert a you can talk with her a bit. I understand this one..I do..loosing your mom. The tears are rolling for you hon...for us bith. I love you..breathe and try a bit of Chamomile tea for me..see if maybe that helps..will be sending Reiki to your side love!
Love you, Sarah

Great-Granny Grandma said...

Dear, sweet Renee, I am at a loss for words. My heart so aches for all of you, and I continue to pray.
P.S. I love the picture of the mom and little girl in the heart, and it just makes my heart ache even more.

Jenea said...

Hi Renee! Who is Jacquie? It's your dauther???

Marion said...

Dearest Renee, I fervently pray for you to have relief from your pain, dear friend. I'm so glad that Jacquie got to visit Mom and that Mom recalled her visit. The love of your family just glows from your words. I envy it, I do. Our family is scattered and we don't all get together very often like we used to. You, even in the midst of all this pain, are truly blessed and fortunate to be surrounded with so much love and loved ones. I love you always...Blessings, (((Hugs))) and Prayers to you...xoxoxoxo

Angela Recada said...

My darling Renee. I wish with my whole heart that you find some escape from the pain and sorrow. You, Jacquie, your mom, everyone.

You are all what family should be. Love personified. Your parents raised an exceptional family.

I hope your mother's transition, when her time comes, is gentle, and that you all find some peace and comfort in that.


Rebecca Ramsey said...

Bless you and your beautiful family, Renee. I'll be sending up prayers for each of you today.
Life can be so awful. The love you have flowing back and forth in your family is truly beautiful.

Meghann LittleStudio said...

Oh my dearest Renee, I am so sorry you are suffering so badly. I pray for you every day and think of you constantly. I am glad you have such a loving family, and I think I can speak for them when I say that you should not suffer. If the hospital can give you some good ol' fashioned pain meds to help you, you should go and at least out patient it. you are WORTH having relief from your suffering. I am so sorry you have to suffer like this. I am sending you big gentle, squashy hugs.
Hang on my dear friend, we are with you,

In the Light of the Moon said...

Dear Sweet Renee,How I wish I could offer you a magic pill to ease this pain.It's not right to suffer like this.But you are so strong,and you keep taking it.I hope by now you feel some ease.You are always in my thoughts.Love,Cat

Anonymous said...

Dearest Renee,I am so sorry for you pain, physically and emotionally. I love the line "celebrate the ordinary". Your wisdom and love shines through all your pain.Your son Nathan is a gem.I have my grandson Nathan here today. I hope he grows up to be a wonderful as your Nathan. Hugs, Barb

Rochelle said...

Crap. I wish I could do something. It is horrible that you are feeling so bad Renee. But still able to write, and get it all down. I think that is so good, and important.

Your mother got last rites, and it was beautiful you say, and you were all there. I am sitting here at my desk in the kitchen. It's cold. I haven't met you or anyone I read about here but I felt like I was right there with you instead. I could see everyone. I felt a swelling in my heart when you described your daughter stroking your mother's head.

And you wrote of sweet memories of your mom and dad and the environment they created. Those things last, proof is what you've given to your kids... and they of course can't help but pass that on. I like that whole miracle.

You certainly DO have that family you described, not the one that for most of us has gone by the wayside. LIfe is so rich in so many ways for you, from my point of view.

But none of that helps with that fucking pain in your side. Sending you LOVE.

Deborah said...

It's been a beautiful life though. A well-lived, honorable life. And therein lies the beauty and the lesson. Prayers rising to heaven...strength for those who must remain...peace to those who must leave. All my love to you Renee. ♥ Deb

karen gerstenberger said...

Dearest Renee, I am sorry that you are so uncomfortable and feeling miserable now. It is awful to get up when it's still dark and suffer like that. I am up early (not as early as you!) and am sending lots of love and prayers for healing and comfort to you from the West. I hope you can feel them.

This paragraph you wrote is probably the genius of parenting, and family, and perhaps of life in general: "My parents were people that sparkled and whose eyes were full of hope. They transferred that hope to us. They were always willing to celebrate the ordinary and make us all feel worthwhile, no matter what it was we did." To "celebrate the ordinary" is to make a feast of life. This gift you carry with you, and it is in you, forever.

I am deeply grieved that your mom's days are drawing to a close; I wish I could comfort you in that. When you write about her and your father, their imprint upon you and your extended family is clear. I agree with Vonnegut - though you personally may not need a larger family! - I think we have fewer and fewer examples of HOW to simply live our love. Thank God you have it in your family, and are willing to share it with us.

Renee, you are brilliant. Anyone who feels as ill as you do, and who can still write these honest gems is a star, shining brightly. I love you very much. It seems so odd we've never met!

Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

Oh Renee,
My heart aches for you and Jacquie and your Mom and all of your family. I am so sorry to hear about the pain you are feeling on your side. I hope you find some comfort soon. Thinking of you and wishing all the best.


Diana Evans said...

Hi Renee....

I wish there was a way to remove all pain and suffering...your strength is in your wonderful family and their dedication to family....

I also love what you said about your parents and how "they were always willing to celebrate the ordinary and make us all feel worthwhile, no matter what it was we did." Beautiful....just beautiful.....

May you find strengh in your family and all of us...


Lilacrobin said...

Sweet heart aches for you - so much to deal with - your wonderful Mother, Jacquie - worrying about how all this illness affects everyone else in your wonder you are in such pain.... but - listen to your heart and the oh-so-wise words you just - be it blood or "extended" is must not give up your own personal battle. You have so much to fight for - Wahid, your children, Jacquie - all of us....who love and admire you so much.....and most of all - YOU.
God sees you as a beautiful, strong woman - who still has much to do on this Earth.... sleep when you can, vent when you can - we all love you and pray that those "bats" will soon leave you.

Love, strength and prayers,


Angie Muresan said...

I am at a loss for words. I am thinking of you, and I'm praying for you, for Jacquie, and for your mom. I feel privileged to know you and feel your love, Renee. You don't just love deep, you love wide. And I am comforted that you have your darling husband, children and siblings to hold your hand through all this. I love you, Renee.

Diva Kreszl said...

Sweet Renee, praying for relief to find it's way to you. I am so sorry that you are having such a bad time of it and that your Mom is feeling so poorly as well. May God supply you with strength and ease your pain dear one.

Jenny S said...

Dammit! I am so sorry you are hurting so bad right now! I am sending healing thought your way and hoping that when you mom's time come you will all be there to experience it with her.

studio lolo said...

I'm glad we exchanged hearts a while back.

I wish I could take your left-sided pain. I think it would be a good match for my right side ;)

I know it's hard to stay strong right now Renee. Christ already.
It's really being piled on all of you and for so long now.

I'm rubbing your head, holding your hand and listening to Scottish tunes with you. Not Danny Boy though. I wouldn't stop bawling.

I love you.

Annie said...

Oh, honey, this is so heartbreaking.
Not all families are like yours. My family is fucked up, so I ran as far away as I could get and now I will probably have to go take care of my mom soon and it will be the death of me, I love her, but she makes me crazy. I envy you your good family, but not all the pain you are going through.
We each do the best we can in every moment.
Renee, I am saying prayers and holding you all in my heart.

Anonymous said...

Oh Renee, My dearest friend! I feel that you are all soul mates and some how out of this horridness that is with your family, the one thing is you are all together with so much love.
That bloody pain, I wish I could take it away from you, your sister and mom.
My heart is with you all!
Your are the dearest people!

Huddles of love!


Jos said...

Father in heaven, please PLEASE be with Renee right now. Ease the pain in her side and surround her with a sense of your presence ... be right there beside her. Let her rest, Lord, she needs her rest.

Dear God you can see Daisy, you can see her heart. You see Jacquies too. I cannot pretend to understand how such loving hearts are made to go through so much. Such mysteries are beyond me. Please be with them, Father and ease their suffering.

Thank you that Renee is not alone. Nor Daisy & Jacquie. If I am thankful for anything Lord it is this. Amen

I love you Renee. I hope it eases soon. xx Jos

deb said...

oh Renee.
i don't know if you got the other comments I left yesterday.
This breaks my heart.
And fills it.
And that is life. Breaking and filling. Emptying our cups, our souls, and having them filled and letting them spill over for others.
God I cannot imagine...
Dear God.. please hold them in tender arms.
All of them from youngest to oldest, to the newly born , to the passing over to the other side.
Please hold them tenderly , that they may feel more love than pain, more full than empty.

tears and hugs
wishing your pain would go away

Catherine said...

Oh my dear sweet Rene, I'm so sorry you and your family are in so much pain emotionally and physically.

I don't know what to say exactly but just know that I love you.

lakeviewer said...

Renee, am amazed at your lovely family, the touching, the coming together, the love in every person shared by every one. All of you are beacon of light for each other. You are unique in your focus and your committment. This blessing, this force is beyond anything most humans experience nowaday.

Sorry your hip hurts; you can't sleep. And my sorry doesn't help much. But know that your courage and faith are reaching lots of people. You are teaching us to love each other, to stay together, to rub each other's bodies.

Love and peace to you.

Noreen said...

Honestly, I do wish there was something I could do to remove this pain from your body. You are so courageous and strong. You have fought this awful disease, metastatic breast cancer, for years already. It's understandable to want to just give up already. The energy to fight can be very exhausting. Selfishly, I just want to keep you around for a long time.

My prayers continue to be with you and your family.

Poetic Artist said...

Your pain how do you stand to read my whining over the small things, when your pain is so real. I do know the pain you feal for your Mom and my heart goes out to you.

Sarah said...

I wish I could give you a proper hug Renee instead of internet ones. I am so sad for you. I am pleased that Jacqui spent some time with your Mum. I love the picture of your Mum below. She looks so sweet. It must be so hard for you all so I am pleased you are so close. I wish your pain would go away-well you wish that too but the more wishes the better maybe.
Hugs from here xxxx

Bella Sinclair said...

It hurts so much to read this. I wish, oh how I wish.

Your mother will not be your past, but your future.

I love you. We are connected.



We are all one.

We are one with all of You.

Elizabeth said...

Oh, Renee. This is overwhelming. I send you love and only love. Love that is wrapped in relief for you and yours.

Baino said...

Oh Renee . . damn those pills for not working but I know what it's like to be awake at 2am. Frequent for me. Good too that youre mom is sleeping and seems to be comfortable with her family around her.

Although no points for listening to Englebert Humperdink! Good grief woman are those pills affecting your musical judgement?

Sleep is nature's way of helping pain so let it take you and don't feel guilty. Then if you can no longer control it seek more medication and fast.

Manon Doyle said...

I'm at a loss for words Renee! I hate that you're in so much pain.....I HATE it!! I will pray.....PRAY HARD!! All I can do is pray and I wish I could do more. It sucks!
i love u

Laura Hegfield said...

We hear you. I hear you. Thank God your family is all around and you all listen to each other with love that as you say can be felt physically. It is the same with my family, so I know what you mean. I'll pray for your pain to ease up. For your Mother's passing to be peaceful for all of you.

sending light and love,

Mim said...

Your posts, while so personal, are also so applicable to us all. You manage to touch the point of life perfectly renee. You are us all, your family is yours and ours.

I hope this makes sense. You have struck a strong note with me here

Draffin Bears said...

Dear Renee,

I can't believe the sheer hell you are all going through, makes me sad and brings tears to my eyes.
I marvel at your strength and courage Renee, you are such an incredibly strong and beautiful Woman.
Much love, strength and hugs to you, your Mother and Jacquie.

Carolyn xo

CarolineH said...

I am so very sorry Renee. I so much wish that I had something to say that would ease your pain, but nothing can ease this. Please know that I love you with all my heart, and my heart is breaking with these words that I'm reading. I'll be of you all forever and a day. Praying that your pain will somehow be taken away, and that you will somehow
make it through this sad sad hard time.
Love you always,

secret agent woman said...

You post begins with that cruel awakening at 2:22 and so I am breathing a prayer of peace for you. Peace, dear Renee, I wish you peace.

kj said...

how i love you.

how i pray for you.

how i hold you.

together strong, renee. and if real means feeling your heart break, so be it. it's only love reminding you how strong its hold

&hearts my beloved moon sister.

yoborobo said...

Renee - sending you my love - xoxo pam

Karin Bartimole said...

Oh Renee, there are no words that can help you with that pain, nor the sorrow of losing your mother. You help us, in our helplessness to change things for you, by letting us know you have an amazing family there that loves and cares for you, and each other, so beautifully - but no one can take this fucking pain out of your side, your knees, your being. If the hospital could alleviate some of the pain I wish you would go, but I know that means being unable to see your mother while you are stuck there... too much.
My love and prayers are with you, as always. I pray for an end to your suffering, to Jacquie's, and selfishly for my own. I love you, Karin

Angie Muresan said...

Darling Renee, I am so worried about you...

Sue said...

Renee, read your post and felt my stomach clenching. So much pain, so much grief ...and so much love.

No other words, just sending prayers your way......and to use one of your words FUCK!


Pattee said...

Dear Renee...
I'm not sure I sent you a post about your mom ~ your first home.

I'm going to have to write you later as I'm very sick with the stomach flu... and I think of you and how you must suffer...

Much much love

Renee said...

Darling Jacquie what a cheerleader you are.


Renee said...

Heidi how I love you and we are family. Real family. How lucky that we have known each other's Moms all our lives.


Jos said...

You must follow your best cheerleaders advice dear heart. Go to the hospital and let them help, at least with the pain and nutrition. I can tell that you are tired of all this. Who wouldn't want this to end??? I love you Renee. No need to respond, save your energies and focus them on you and yours. I will focus mine on you all too. xx Jos

Purpur said...

Renee, just hang on, just hang on.... You are strong and you are not a quitter, although I understand your wish to just let go. But do not, however it is hard for you. Your children and your family still need you. Ah, you mast be going through hell.

Sara Williams said...

Renee, I truly wished there was something I could do to ease your pain, both physical and emotional. My thoughts are with you all x

Chrisy said...

Darling Renee, I'm thinking of you often and hoping that you're getting some relief. These are such horrible times that you're going through. You don't have to be strong. Just let others help you dearest...please...

kj said...

Renee I think jacquie is right, unless you have a sense that is stronger. Open to help controlling the pain.

And let the circle fold and close around you. Don't worry. Seeing heidi's comment here brings tears. Old friends, new friends, the circle is unbroken

your Mother is clearing the trail Renee. She will not let you be alone

love always

yoborobo said...

Renee and Jacquie, there is not a weak one among you. I have never known stronger, more loving people.
xoxoxoxox Pam

Holly said...

my dear friend whom i've never met...but love anyway....i am there with you in spirit. take some of my strength and energy for your own.

my mom is dying at my home too...she is on hospice. lung cancer.

she is not a loving woman like your mother and it is so hard for me to open my heart even a bit to her...

Rusted Wings said...

I send you comforting angels and warm hugs with prayers of hope dear ones!!
hold on tight through these dark valleys...
this too shall pass
find every little thing to be thankful for
and trust
in quiet confidence.
xo abigail

Anonymous said...

Oh my dear, sounds like you had a night of it all, Renee. I hope you will feel better soon, so I can crack jokes at you. Making you laugh now, may cause you physical pain.

Oh the heck with it! YOU WERE LISTENING TO INGLEBERG HUMPERSTINK? Girl, you DO got it bad.

Marie S said...

Oh my pretty please take care of yourself too, you are the glue and they all need you. I love you Renee. I am sending you long distance squeezes and hugs.

Sonia ;) said...

Renee...You listen to Jacquie...Your advice to her is what you should follow...I mean ok..Fuck Renee go to the fucking hospital...If jacquie could she would kick ur butt..and I would help. I love you lovey....follow your own advice and be well...

I love you dearly my friend. And your family is very lucky to be able to suuround your mother the way yall have...That right there is a true blessing and gift. Your Mom knows yall are there...

Now fucking go get better...


Angie Muresan said...

Renee, listen to your darling Jacquie and go to the hospital.


I love you to the moon and back... what a beautiful saying that is. We whispered that to each other each night as children.

You are so extraordinary, Renee. You love so wide as well as deep.

There is an unease I feel. I am sending all the love your way.

I am thinking of you.

Silke said...

Dearest Renee! Thinking of you all!! And sending all my love! Silke

Bella Sinclair said...

Yes, please please please go to the hospital. I love you.


Debra Kay said...

My family is very different. We are stoic, we don't share our pain. Of course, being family we can't hide it either.

My parents are two houses down, trapped in snow and old age. I am here, trapped in snow and a body that's a bit bruised right now.

For days know my strategy has been to "deal with the pain of the moment" and let the bigger issues go for a bit. I focus on what ever is giving me the most agony-and say over and over again-"this is just the pain of the moment" which for me means it's not permanent. I don't know if that makes sense or helps one bit-I hope it does, because it helped me.

Ces said...

I love you.

Marion said...

Dearest, please take care of yourself. Your mother would want you to do whatever is best for your health and you know that. I love you and pray for you every day. Get some relief from that pain, dearest friend. Blessings!!

secret agent woman said...

Of course I cannot blame your mother for wanting to be done with the pain. Who wouldn't be in her shoes? And I know you are so, so tired of the pain and the effort and the worry. Holding you in my heart, always, always.

Annie said...

Hi Sweetie. I just read jacquie's comment. She is right, please go and get some relief from the pain.
And Kj's comment is so dear and real. We all wish we could do more than just send out love and prayers. Wish I lived close by so I could help. Thinking of you.

deb said...

I know you are holding yourself close to loved ones, friends, family and trusted hearts.
I am burning a candle for all of you tonight.

M.Kate said...

Hi there, I read about your mom from Annie. My prayers are for your family. Take care.

Allegra Smith said...

I don't believe I either ask much of anything often of you nor do I tell you what to do. Now I am about to do both, first to ask you for your sake as well as those who love you to go and I don't want to hear another word about this. If I can get up and cook soup for the love of those who care for me so they know I am trying, you can very well march into the hospital and get some help.

Now I am going to tell you to go. You are going to need all of your strength in the coming days and you will be worth nothing if you are still in pain. And why in the living hell are you in pain? What kind of stoic nonsense is this? Even tho Jacquie and the rest won't say it I am sure they are, as I am, worried sick about your being in pain. Be generous. Get thee some help so the others can at least put that worry aside.

I love you, you know I truly do and I wish more than anything else right now to be there, get you dressed and drive you to the Hospital even if I had to push you out the door to do it. My loving you has to have some value in your eyes and so, add a thousand times more what your family feels knowing you are in pain. Give up? what kind of nonsense is that? Why? I know about the black hole we share but we must remember the first law when falling there: stop kicking. So now go, I will not feel well until I hear you are. I don't want to hear any more talk about being done. We are not done until we are and you are not and neither is Jacquie and neither am I.

Get your coat. I am not speaking to you until I hear that you are feeling better.

PS: And you are not done until I tell you so. LALF.

Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

I am sitting here trying to chose the right words, but I have none. All of this is so difficult. My heartaches for all of you. I want to hug you all and tell you how sorry I am for all the grief that surrounds your households.
I am praying for you all Renee, and I am so sorry again.

It sounds like you are in an awful amount of pain and I hope you take everyone's advice and go to the hospital. this.

@eloh said...

I think the number of people around you as you die speaks volumes for how you lived.

Your family has love.

Lori ann said...

bless your precious heart.

and your moms. and your whole beautiful families too.

bless love.

please ask for help managing your pain. more help.

Rick said...

Hi Rainy- Love ya Sweetie. Sometimes only "fuck" will do. Sometimes it's all there is.Crazy to be thankful for that word. I want to tell you not to give up but who am I to do so? I just hope you find peace in the fight. For the pain take two "fucks" and three "Christ Almighty's!"
Then find a reason. Take care

sinnlighet said...

Reena, your big och lovely love for your little mom feels into my heart!

I don't know what to say. But you are an amazing woman, strong and sooooo sensitive!!

Lots of love


The Dutchess said...

Hug..and please take care of yourself..

Ces said...

Alright, I have read enough already. If you don't go to the hospital, then nothing that we will do or say will help if your brain is racked with pain and dehydration sets in. Are you wishing to die soon? If so, just let me know so I can pray in a different tune. Damn it! I want you to stop suffering. Please go to the hospital and tell them you are in pain and if that freaking socialized medicine deal in Canada is any good then the health care practitioners will know that you are dehydrated and wil do something about it. Go already! None of us can take you to the hospital in Winnipeg. Please get relief for your suffering. I love you. What happened to my Renee, the fighter? You are making Bella cry and I am feeling anxious for you. No freaking rule that I write makes sense if my beloved friend is suffering and I have a degree I cannot even use to help her, not even convince her.

Sonia ;) said...

Thank you Lovey...I cant kick that hard any longer...But I would have tried....Love you Lovey

Rob-bear said...

The pain is palpable — everyone's pain.

Their actions are just as strong.

I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

But you tell the story so beautifully, so honestly, so vividly.

May you all rest peacefully today.

Gentle hugs from the Bear next door.

Angela Recada said...

Good morning darling Renee. Just stopping by to give you my love. I worry about you all, and wish there was some way I could ease your pain. You are always in my heart.


LDWatkins said...

How many ways can I say 'I'm so sorry' that you are suffering? I say them all. Your pain, your mom's pain..go to the hospital and get some relief. Jacquie's right. Love to you, dear one. Lynda

Barbara said...

This was a really hard post to read, not only because of your mother, but I wanted to take you to the hospital myself. Please go.
And don't give up.

You are so right about family. This generation is so separated by miles, we must work hard to keep up the connection of love.

Sending you a big hug!

Silke said...

Thinking of you all, sweet love! I hold you all in my heart! Love, Silke

turquoise cro said...

(((((((Renee, Jacquie, Mom and all your family)))))))))))))) Please go to the hospital, listen to Jacquie!

A Cuban In London said...

I've got tears in my eyes from reading your painful post. And yet you're so strong. My thoughts are with you and your family.

aimee said...

beautiful renee, here is a present for you. it is a magic bag, and inside is the word FUCK. you can take that FUCK out and use it as many times as you need to and your supply will never run out.

i hope you heeded the pain and went to the hospital. and thank goodness for your family! what an incredible network of love you have for each other!

Sarah said...

Hi again Renee,
I hope you did what Jacquie said. I hope today has been bearable for all of you. Lots of love, Sarah xx

Debbie said...

Your strength just astounds me. Reading this was incredible. I am so glad your family is so close and supportive.

clairedulalune said...

Renee, no words can express my longing for brighter days for you and all your family. I wish i could make all your pains physical and emotional vanish.((hugs))

nollyposh said...

i came to you while your eyes were closed and kissed you on the forehead... Did you feel it? i put my arms around you and felt the wings on your back tucked tight and you sighed and my heart filled with Love and became a blanket to keep you safe when you are alone with your thoughts...
Sending you ~Love~ always i am sending you ~LovE~ my dear sweet brave bloggy friend x

zoe said...

i am thinking about you, renee, and hoping that you are getting well. may you wake up feeling golden.
big hugs-

kj said...

loving you renee. it's so painful to hope you are being held in the light. i hope you are not afraid, and i hope your Mother is at peace.

where ever and when ever we meet, renee, i will run to you, my arms waving wildly in the air.

together strong, moon sister, heart sister, now gypsy sister.

Barry said...

Your post was devastating Renee and obviously touched a huge number of people who are reaching out to you through their comments.

The amount of love and concern they are showing is extraordinary.

I am profoundly touched by my visit here today and certainly keep you in my prayers.

Draffin Bears said...

Dearest Renee,

You are so much in my mind and sending my love and strength to you.


Sophia said...

I'm so very sorry for all that you and your family are going through. It breaks my heart. Forgive me, please, for my lack of blogging and making my way around. I feel lousy that I have been such a terrible blogger friend. Ugh.

Please know I love you and care for you, even when I don't write/comment. HUGE hugs! I wish I could take it all away for you.

LaWatha said...

The love and connection you share with your family is immeasurable- and I envy you all for that. In a very good way. My family has never been close in that way- I'm not sure why, but we just aren't. I can't even imagine how wonderful it would be to have a connection with my sister- we're such polar opposites. Anyway... I'm glad you all have each other to lean on and support- you've all been through so much recently... how much tougher it would be to cope and move on without the love of your wonderful family.

Heartfelt thoughts going out to you as you battle on... love to you, Renee-

JuneMoonToon said...

Oh, Renee. I've been away for a while, helping care for my mother who is 93 and got a broken femur at her nursing home. I haven't visited your blog in many weeks. Reading it now, I feel so much but am at a loss for words. I feel I'm standing on sacred ground. Much love to you and all your family.

rochambeau said...

I love you Renee, you are one tough cookie, you are a ray of sunshine angel, you deserve so much for all you do for so many.
I thank God your parents had you. You have changed my life, and many lives. Making our better!

soulbrush said...

oh my darling renee, maybe you should go to the hospital,you are so wonderful,i love you and your courage so

Sherry Byrum said...

You are a special soul! Your family radiates love.

Daria said...

Oh Renee, my heart goes out to you and your family.

BT said...

Oh my God, Renee, I am reading this with my hand over my mouth and tears in my eyes - and that is a first for me. I rarely cry even when a lot of your readers say your posts have brought tears to their eyes.

What a moving post. Your family is just stupendous, I don't know how else to put it. I am so so glad that Jacquie managed to get to see Mom but I hate hate it that you are in such pain. That should not be happening. You perhaps need stronger pain relief? I love you so and am grasping at what to say Renee. ~sighs~ I am lost.

BT said...

You should not be in pain Renee. Go and see the specialist, please.

miruspeg said...

Renee you are such an inspiration, I hope you realise that.
I wish I could take away all your pain and suffering.
You are so much loved dear friend, so much loved.
Peggy xxxx

Leticia said...

You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers -

Yvonne Anderson said...

I only stop by now and then and while I wait for my blog to open, I always like to visit yours. I am sorry to hear about your beautiful mum.

I am surrounded by people with cancer daily now and I always think of you Renee....and Sheldon and Jacquie.

I deal with my patients full of compassion and hank you for sharing with us what you go helps me to do my job better!

flossy-p said...






Bridgett said...

How wonderful that you all got to be there while your mother was given last rites.

I do hope your pain has eased, love.


Dean Grey said...


I bet it brought your mother some much needed comfort and joy being surrounded by so many family members.