Sunday, 3 February 2008
In The Beginning There Was No Light
That is me, right in the middle of these monsters. I have chosen to be happy, to care, and to love. Let me tell you what precipitated my choice.
I was diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer (IBC) in February, 2006. HEY WHAT? I was told that I had Stage 4 cancer and that I had the rarest form of breast cancer and that being rare didn't make it a baby, it made it a monster. It is the most aggressive form of breast cancer. I made a big mistake in the beginning and looked on the internet -- please people don't torture yourself like that. I had to remind myself that information doesn't equal knowledge and that even though there is nothing but information on the internet, it didn't mean it was knowledge. I had to be more selective about my sources. Bottom line though is that I have a terminal disease.
For the first two years after my diagnosis I was stuck in a whirlwind of activity that any 80 year old woman would be able to relate to. I went to doctors, I went to group meetings (I attended many funerals), I never drove myself anywhere (A huge thank you to my sister Jacquie.), and I have had mucho mucho medicine. I almost forgot to mention that I have a head of white hair that any elderly lady would envy and it is nicley trimmed if I do say so myself (Thank you Kirsten, my darling hairdresser).
I have grieved for the life I thought I would have and I have lived in the shadowland. BUT NOW. I have returned and have chosen to be happy, to care, and to love. No one could have more reasons for these choices than I have -- well I guess that is not literally true. I have a brilliant husband whom I respect. I have two beautiful and amazingly supportive daughters who have become exactly what I wished for. I have a wonderful son whose compassion and joyful spirit brings such everyday pleasure into my life, I am so proud of him. I love you all Wahid, Angelique, Nadalene, and Nathan. I have two son-in-laws and my son's long-time love. They are each incredible and I have felt their warmth and caring for me over these two years. I love you Don, Charlton, and Raquel.
I am so in love with the most special little girl you would ever want to know. Josephine, my darling Josephine. I like the fact that her name and the feeling I have when I see or even think of her starts with a 'J'. Josephine and Joy. Josephine is the best medicine I have had in the past two years. Josephine has not taken my cancer away, but she has reminded me that I am still alive. Thank you Josephine.
So there you go, I am choosing to live everyday, even on the days I don't want to.
Love you all dear ones. Renee xoxoxoxo