Sunday, 3 February 2008

In The Beginning There Was No Light



That is me, right in the middle of these monsters.  I have chosen to be happy, to care, and to love.  Let me tell you what precipitated my choice.

I was diagnosed with Inflammatory Breast Cancer (IBC) in February, 2006.  HEY WHAT?  I was told that I had Stage 4 cancer and that I had the rarest form of breast cancer and that being rare didn't make it a baby, it made it a monster.  It is the most aggressive form of breast cancer.  I made a big mistake in the beginning and looked on the internet  -- please people don't torture yourself like that.  I had to remind myself that information doesn't equal knowledge and that even though there is nothing but information on the internet, it didn't mean it was knowledge.  I had to be more selective about my sources.  Bottom line though is that I have a terminal disease.

For the first two years after my diagnosis I was stuck in a whirlwind of activity that any 80 year old woman would be able to relate to.  I went to doctors, I went to group meetings (I attended many funerals), I never drove myself anywhere (A huge thank you to my sister Jacquie.), and I have had mucho mucho medicine.  I almost forgot to mention that I have a head of white hair that any elderly lady would envy and it is nicley trimmed if I do say so myself (Thank you Kirsten, my darling hairdresser).

I have grieved for the life I thought I would have and I have lived in the shadowland.  BUT NOW.  I have returned and have chosen to be happy, to care, and to love.  No one could have more reasons for these choices than I have -- well I guess that is not literally true.  I have a brilliant husband whom I respect.  I have two beautiful and amazingly supportive daughters who have become exactly what I wished for.  I have a wonderful son whose compassion and joyful spirit brings such everyday pleasure into my life, I am so proud of him.  I love you all Wahid, Angelique, Nadalene, and Nathan.  I have two son-in-laws and my son's long-time love.  They are each incredible and I have felt their warmth and caring for me over these two years.  I love you Don, Charlton, and Raquel.

I am so in love with the most special little girl you would ever want to know.  Josephine, my darling Josephine.  I like the fact that her name and the feeling I have when I see or even think of her starts with a 'J'.  Josephine and Joy.  Josephine is the best medicine I have had in the past two years.  Josephine has not taken my cancer away, but she has reminded me that  I am still alive.  Thank you Josephine.

So there you go, I am choosing to live everyday, even on the days I don't want to.

Love you all dear ones.  Renee xoxoxoxo






 

11 comments:

twstdangel said...

Oh Renee what a fantastic idea, who would have thought you would be a blogger! I will mark the site and check it often to see how you are doing. (You are a fantastic writer. Its a natural thing for you.) However it will not replace me need to see you from time to time! Lets try and fit some time in together. Cole misses you and would love to meet Josephine!

Shelly said...

Renee, I am not surprised you have become a "blogger". I am also not surprised to see your blog is beautiful and insightful, just like you!

Deanna said...

Who could NOT love this chick? Hey Renee, it's Deanna...what a wonderful idea for you to do this. Your writing "sounds" just like you, and I realize how much I miss you!

I'll come check this out often to keep up on your news...you're in our prayers!

angelique said...

So when are you coming out with your first novel?

Crystal said...

I love it. You have such a natural ability to write. My mom would have been so proud of you. I am looking forward to future posts. Crystal Graham

Heidi said...

My dear friend - your ability to share your journey with us - your friends and family, is remarkable. Thank you for doing this.

mickey said...

Renee when I look at your face all I see is what I have always seen and that is how beautiful you are. You write amazing and this is a wonderful gift you are giving all of us who read this. I agree you have an incredible family Wahid is a doll we all love and respect him. Angelique, Nadalene and Nathan are wonderful and they are a true reflection of you and Wahid. JOSEPHINE is the most beautiful baby in the world and she looks just like you. I love that you are doing this blog Thank you so much. I absolutely love you.

Deborah said...

Well, let's start at the beginning, shall we?

Jen said...

What a perfect start to this blog! I am going to read all the way from the beginning :)

Ribbon said...

I just couldn't resist but to read where you began....

You have a lot of reasons to love life :-)

xx Ribbon

Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

Renee,

There are no words I have to offer that could possibly be of any help. It seems that you have probably heard them all by now. Your strength as a person, is astounding. Reading through you earlier post I wanted to cry. And did. I am so happy that you have all your loved ones there helping you when they can. You are a great inspiration to all of us.
I remember reading about Pope Innocent VIII. It was one of the first things I looked into after I got sick. The man was bizarre.
I wish you peace and comfort during your troubled times, and all my prayers during your hardest.

Sincerely, Beaux