Tuesday, 12 February 2008

Musings From a Wanna-Be Muse



I started journaling in 1998.  It seems funny to me to look at so many of the things that I have written, much still rings true and much is complete nonsense.

Flashbacks From the Month of February

February 10, 2004

*Nadalene and I went to a new restaurant for lunch 'Inferno Bistro'.

*I took a love survey.  I don't believe in true love at first sight (I still don't).  I think love takes time, maybe six months to a year.  I think true love (or any love for that matter) can die if it is not taken care of and appreciated.  I don't think you can have an open-sexual experience when it is true love (I still don't). I have never been cheated on.  I have never cheated.  If someone cheats I don't believe that means the person doesn't love you (I still believe this).  It is not important to me at all that the person I love share the same religion as me.  Sexual desire can fade and it can still be real love.  I would not reconnect with my first love given the chance.  I would not be unfaithful even if I knew my husband would never find out.  I believe that you can have more than one true love (I still believe this).  For me, these are elements of love: honesty, respect, listening, giving, tenderness, sex, dignity, and logic.

February 11, 2004

*I drove Angelique to work today because her garage door is broken.  I stayed at the house to make sure that no one went in their garage.

*I think I am the real thing.  I definitely have sides of me where I'm not as authentic as I need to be, but that is me too.  So, yes, I am the real thing.

*I definitely do not count on anyone to complete me. I am complete.

*My love and attention need to be a little less on the children and a little more on Wahid.  A little/lot less on housework/dinners and more on family and friends.  Maybe even read less. YIKES!

*I do not envy people who have true love.  They would have nothing I don't already have.  I do need to build on the love I have for Wahid.  I need to make the transistion from mother to wife.  Real love for me means mutual respect.  Wanting the other person to be as fulfilled as you are.

February, 2004

*A year of travel for the family.  Wahid - Trinidad, Nadalene and Charlton - Cuba, Nathan - Germany, Angelique, Nadalene, and I - Banff and Angelique and Don will be going on their honeymoon to Germany, Spain, and Portugal.  Lucky family.

*Started doing things for the wedding.  Set a love goal for me to know Wahid and for him to know me better.  I don't believe that this has happened yet for either of us. (It is starting too).

February 4, 2007

*Colette is in San Diego.  Funny how she is always on my mind.  My kids have become a lot closer to Colette this past year.  I know it is because they see how much she is there for me.  Jacquie of course is beyond the beyond.

February 5, 2007

*Angelique and I went and bought some baby things yesterday.

*Physically I am afraid to do almost anything.  Sometimes I don't want to even leave the house in case I get sick or feel faint.  I just realized that I go nowhere by myself.  Need a safety net.  

*Physically I no longer trust my body.  My body is me, it is not something I can leave at the door.  My soul of course is the real me, but while I'm on this earth I need my body to get me around.  I have taken my body for granted and have abused it.  I believe that had I taken better care of my body and not held in toxic stress I would not have cancer today (I still do).  I have cheated my family and myself.

*Financially I am afraid to spend money as I don't have any income.

February 6, 2007

*It will be one year that I was officially diagnosed with IBC.  Amazing what you can come through.  (It is funny how you almost forget those things. ALMOST!)  

*God, thankyou for this year and I hope many many more.

*Emotionally and spiritually it has been a jam-packed year.  A year of seeing what I am made of.  A year of seeing what my husband and children are made of.  

February 7, 2007

*Bummed out today as noticed six new cancer spots along my lower back.  I hope and pray that the Xeloda will work (it didn't).  

*Mickey came over yesterday and I discussed with her how I was feeling a disconnect.  She couldn't believe it.  I discussed that I felt her shutting down when I would talk about what I was going through.  She made me promise her that I would let her know immediately if I felt she was doing that (I will).  (Mickey is brilliant and I love her so much -- I love you with my heart and admire you with my mind.)

*Mom and Dad have been wonderful and have not tried to minimize my disease.  By seeing it for what it is keeps me strong because I don't have to feel that I am kept under a gag order.

*Angelique, Nadalene, and Nathan are made of the most incredible strength!!  Incredible.  Loving, caring, compassionate, wise, open, helpful, sympathetic, generous, strong.  I really would not be where I am spiritually and emotionally if it were not for them.  They are my best support group.  They reflect back to me that Wahid and I must have done lots of things right.  I love you all so much (and I still do).

Maybe a lot of this wasn't nonsense after all.

3 comments:

Mickey said...

I love this page I have never done a journal Taylor does them She is an incredible writer like you. You should write a book seriously....I also love and admire you ...always have...Renee you are my heart and my mind... I thank God you are in me

Anonymous said...

I really like this one too...I mean they are all fab. But, I think that you do need to let go of the idea that you may have caused your cancer. No, many things we do are toxic...especially holding everything in while maintaining our head high...but you have not let anyone down or done this to yourself. You know that.

Also, what you admire in your children is a reflection of what you and dad did do right. I am forever grateful for the parents I have and the love they have given. I would not be who I am and I hope to be able to teach my daughter to love life, respect others and love wholeheartedly as I was taught.

Love you..xoxoxox
Angelique

Deborah said...

What a wonderful gift you have in all your journals. I love that you did it before you got sick. You are a very gifted writer and are touching so many people.