Tuesday, 12 February 2008
Musings From a Wanna-Be Muse
I started journaling in 1998. It seems funny to me to look at so many of the things that I have written, much still rings true and much is complete nonsense.
Flashbacks From the Month of February
February 10, 2004
*Nadalene and I went to a new restaurant for lunch 'Inferno Bistro'.
*I took a love survey. I don't believe in true love at first sight (I still don't). I think love takes time, maybe six months to a year. I think true love (or any love for that matter) can die if it is not taken care of and appreciated. I don't think you can have an open-sexual experience when it is true love (I still don't). I have never been cheated on. I have never cheated. If someone cheats I don't believe that means the person doesn't love you (I still believe this). It is not important to me at all that the person I love share the same religion as me. Sexual desire can fade and it can still be real love. I would not reconnect with my first love given the chance. I would not be unfaithful even if I knew my husband would never find out. I believe that you can have more than one true love (I still believe this). For me, these are elements of love: honesty, respect, listening, giving, tenderness, sex, dignity, and logic.
February 11, 2004
*I drove Angelique to work today because her garage door is broken. I stayed at the house to make sure that no one went in their garage.
*I think I am the real thing. I definitely have sides of me where I'm not as authentic as I need to be, but that is me too. So, yes, I am the real thing.
*I definitely do not count on anyone to complete me. I am complete.
*My love and attention need to be a little less on the children and a little more on Wahid. A little/lot less on housework/dinners and more on family and friends. Maybe even read less. YIKES!
*I do not envy people who have true love. They would have nothing I don't already have. I do need to build on the love I have for Wahid. I need to make the transistion from mother to wife. Real love for me means mutual respect. Wanting the other person to be as fulfilled as you are.
*A year of travel for the family. Wahid - Trinidad, Nadalene and Charlton - Cuba, Nathan - Germany, Angelique, Nadalene, and I - Banff and Angelique and Don will be going on their honeymoon to Germany, Spain, and Portugal. Lucky family.
*Started doing things for the wedding. Set a love goal for me to know Wahid and for him to know me better. I don't believe that this has happened yet for either of us. (It is starting too).
February 4, 2007
*Colette is in San Diego. Funny how she is always on my mind. My kids have become a lot closer to Colette this past year. I know it is because they see how much she is there for me. Jacquie of course is beyond the beyond.
February 5, 2007
*Angelique and I went and bought some baby things yesterday.
*Physically I am afraid to do almost anything. Sometimes I don't want to even leave the house in case I get sick or feel faint. I just realized that I go nowhere by myself. Need a safety net.
*Physically I no longer trust my body. My body is me, it is not something I can leave at the door. My soul of course is the real me, but while I'm on this earth I need my body to get me around. I have taken my body for granted and have abused it. I believe that had I taken better care of my body and not held in toxic stress I would not have cancer today (I still do). I have cheated my family and myself.
*Financially I am afraid to spend money as I don't have any income.
February 6, 2007
*It will be one year that I was officially diagnosed with IBC. Amazing what you can come through. (It is funny how you almost forget those things. ALMOST!)
*God, thankyou for this year and I hope many many more.
*Emotionally and spiritually it has been a jam-packed year. A year of seeing what I am made of. A year of seeing what my husband and children are made of.
February 7, 2007
*Bummed out today as noticed six new cancer spots along my lower back. I hope and pray that the Xeloda will work (it didn't).
*Mickey came over yesterday and I discussed with her how I was feeling a disconnect. She couldn't believe it. I discussed that I felt her shutting down when I would talk about what I was going through. She made me promise her that I would let her know immediately if I felt she was doing that (I will). (Mickey is brilliant and I love her so much -- I love you with my heart and admire you with my mind.)
*Mom and Dad have been wonderful and have not tried to minimize my disease. By seeing it for what it is keeps me strong because I don't have to feel that I am kept under a gag order.
*Angelique, Nadalene, and Nathan are made of the most incredible strength!! Incredible. Loving, caring, compassionate, wise, open, helpful, sympathetic, generous, strong. I really would not be where I am spiritually and emotionally if it were not for them. They are my best support group. They reflect back to me that Wahid and I must have done lots of things right. I love you all so much (and I still do).
Maybe a lot of this wasn't nonsense after all.