Musings From a Wanna-Be Muse

I started journaling in 1998.  It seems funny to me to look at so many of the things that I have written, much still rings true and much is complete nonsense.

Flashbacks From the Month of February

February 10, 2004

*Nadalene and I went to a new restaurant for lunch 'Inferno Bistro'.

*I took a love survey.  I don't believe in true love at first sight (I still don't).  I think love takes time, maybe six months to a year.  I think true love (or any love for that matter) can die if it is not taken care of and appreciated.  I don't think you can have an open-sexual experience when it is true love (I still don't). I have never been cheated on.  I have never cheated.  If someone cheats I don't believe that means the person doesn't love you (I still believe this).  It is not important to me at all that the person I love share the same religion as me.  Sexual desire can fade and it can still be real love.  I would not reconnect with my first love given the chance.  I would not be unfaithful even if I knew my husband would never find out.  I believe that you can have more than one true love (I still believe this).  For me, these are elements of love: honesty, respect, listening, giving, tenderness, sex, dignity, and logic.

February 11, 2004

*I drove Angelique to work today because her garage door is broken.  I stayed at the house to make sure that no one went in their garage.

*I think I am the real thing.  I definitely have sides of me where I'm not as authentic as I need to be, but that is me too.  So, yes, I am the real thing.

*I definitely do not count on anyone to complete me. I am complete.

*My love and attention need to be a little less on the children and a little more on Wahid.  A little/lot less on housework/dinners and more on family and friends.  Maybe even read less. YIKES!

*I do not envy people who have true love.  They would have nothing I don't already have.  I do need to build on the love I have for Wahid.  I need to make the transistion from mother to wife.  Real love for me means mutual respect.  Wanting the other person to be as fulfilled as you are.

February, 2004

*A year of travel for the family.  Wahid - Trinidad, Nadalene and Charlton - Cuba, Nathan - Germany, Angelique, Nadalene, and I - Banff and Angelique and Don will be going on their honeymoon to Germany, Spain, and Portugal.  Lucky family.

*Started doing things for the wedding.  Set a love goal for me to know Wahid and for him to know me better.  I don't believe that this has happened yet for either of us. (It is starting too).

February 4, 2007

*Colette is in San Diego.  Funny how she is always on my mind.  My kids have become a lot closer to Colette this past year.  I know it is because they see how much she is there for me.  Jacquie of course is beyond the beyond.

February 5, 2007

*Angelique and I went and bought some baby things yesterday.

*Physically I am afraid to do almost anything.  Sometimes I don't want to even leave the house in case I get sick or feel faint.  I just realized that I go nowhere by myself.  Need a safety net.  

*Physically I no longer trust my body.  My body is me, it is not something I can leave at the door.  My soul of course is the real me, but while I'm on this earth I need my body to get me around.  I have taken my body for granted and have abused it.  I believe that had I taken better care of my body and not held in toxic stress I would not have cancer today (I still do).  I have cheated my family and myself.

*Financially I am afraid to spend money as I don't have any income.

February 6, 2007

*It will be one year that I was officially diagnosed with IBC.  Amazing what you can come through.  (It is funny how you almost forget those things. ALMOST!)  

*God, thankyou for this year and I hope many many more.

*Emotionally and spiritually it has been a jam-packed year.  A year of seeing what I am made of.  A year of seeing what my husband and children are made of.  

February 7, 2007

*Bummed out today as noticed six new cancer spots along my lower back.  I hope and pray that the Xeloda will work (it didn't).  

*Mickey came over yesterday and I discussed with her how I was feeling a disconnect.  She couldn't believe it.  I discussed that I felt her shutting down when I would talk about what I was going through.  She made me promise her that I would let her know immediately if I felt she was doing that (I will).  (Mickey is brilliant and I love her so much -- I love you with my heart and admire you with my mind.)

*Mom and Dad have been wonderful and have not tried to minimize my disease.  By seeing it for what it is keeps me strong because I don't have to feel that I am kept under a gag order.

*Angelique, Nadalene, and Nathan are made of the most incredible strength!!  Incredible.  Loving, caring, compassionate, wise, open, helpful, sympathetic, generous, strong.  I really would not be where I am spiritually and emotionally if it were not for them.  They are my best support group.  They reflect back to me that Wahid and I must have done lots of things right.  I love you all so much (and I still do).

Maybe a lot of this wasn't nonsense after all.