Wednesday, 6 February 2008
Some Fantasies Are Better Left As Fantasies
Not many people know this about me but in the past two years I have wished for someone to sneak in my room and blow my brains out.
Chemotheraphy has helped me tremendously but I am not going to pretend that it has been easy. When I first started, it wasn't too bad, all I had was the shakes, flue like symptoms and aching bones.
People who know me know that for me to throw-up is a traumatic event. My routine is to #1 lay around holding my stomach and moan; #2 stand by the toilet holding my stomach and moan; #3 stand by the toilet and stomp my feet while saying "God, Oh God, Oh God, Oh God." #4 is screaming for someone to bring me a pail (usually Nadalene). #5 sit on the toilet with the pail in front of me and throw-up. While throwing up I scream for someone (Nadalene again) to bring me water, a cloth, a new pyjama and while they are at it change the throw-up pail and for Pete's sake turn down the heat.
Okay, so you can see what is coming. I started throwing up. I took many pills to stop throwing up, but after a while taking the pills gave me the shakes and made me want to throw up. Isn't it funny what you can get use too. Eventually, even though I still did my steps from #1 to #5, I got to the point where I would just come downstairs and continue carrying on a conversation, gag a bit more and continue where I left off.
I feel that I could have been okay if all I did was throw-up. Worse was to come, so I was not okay.
I developed by my fourth chemo what I would call chemo gut. I would just try to sleep and wished that the medical profession could slip me into a coma for the first 3 days of my treatment. As I had chemo every 7 days this seemed like a lot of suffering. In the end I was sick 7 days of the 7 and it was unbearable. But I knew I could still do it. I had to do it.
This is when I would tell my dear friends Jill, Helen, Angie and Darlene that I wished I was dead. They totally understood because they have cancer too.
Every day I would dream/fantasize that a person would come when I was having my afternoon nap and blow my brains out. I didn't want to see the person because I didn't want to be frightened, I just wanted them to come in the house, float up the stairs, and when I had my face turned to the wall pull the trigger. In this fantasy it was extremely important that they
didn't scare me.
I am writing this blog so obviously there was no person, no gun, and no shot to the head. How happy am I now that this never happened. I am ecstatic. I am off of chemo for now and life is good. I know I will be on it again some day and I know I will come out of the other side of it again. It is not easy. But it can and has to be done for I have a family I love and I don't want to leave them. Choose life.