There and Back

Wander with me if you will....

Flashbacks From the Month of March

March 1, 1998

*Sitting at the table with Angelique, she is doing her thesis for the Honor's program.  I am going to type it when she is finished.  Charlton is in the living room studying.  Nadalene is in the basement studying.  Nathan is on the computer playing games and Wahid is making supper.  Darlene called me and will pick me up at 7 a.m. for work, we start tomorrow.

March 13, 1998

*Gwen died today, I couldn't believe it, she died of cancer and her funeral is Wednesday.  Mom called and she was so upset, I went over right away.

March 18, 1998

*Mom, Jacquie, Ginny and I went to Perkins.  Can you believe that we are all over 40 and we had to scrape our pennies together to have enough to pay the bill of $5.88.  I had $3.26.

March 17, 2001

*I accept the things I can't change about myself, and am satisfied with those things because I believe that they are beautiful.  But for heaven's sake, do or don't do something about the things you want to change, be kind to yourself, but mostly don't harp on it.

March 23, 2003

*Had some really sad news -- Darlene Barnett who I have car-pooled with for the last six years has breast cancer.  I pray that everything will work out well for her.

March 21, 2004

*Had a fabulous time with Angelique and Nadalene in Banff.  Although I remember feeling like crying a few times when they were both acting as if I didn't know how to act appropriately (i.e., cab, dinner -- basically tipping.)

*Starting to sell social tickets for Angelique and Don's social.

*To me happiness is when your soul smiles.  I believe I sometimes -- most of the time -- am living my version of happiness.

*Things I thought would bring me happiness but haven't.  People -- almost everyone.  You need to open yourself to others and take risks but I never do, so no one can ever reach that 'soul' of me, therefore, leaving a sense of dissatisfaction in family, friend relationships.  Possessions -- don't mean anything to me.  Events -- marriage, parenting.  These both have brought me 'soul smiles' and they have both brought me moments of 'what am I doing this for?'  I always had (and sometimes still have) the naive impression that these wouldn't be hard and that I wouldn't need to work on them.  I just thought they would fall in place and be wonderful as in "Happy Ever After" and that they would never leave me less than satisfied.  Achievements -- Wahid and I have created a wonderful home and family.  

*What I know.  I believe the false promise of happiness for me is that nothing will bring you happiness; you are the one who brings the happiness with you.  You don't get it -- you bring it.

March 5, 2005

*If my fairy godmother granted me one wish regarding love, it would be to have these last 30 years I've had with Wahid all over again.  I would want to be young with him all over again, but knowing what I know now.  Not caring what (I thought) anyone was thinking and to be conscious of every moment.  To achieve this wish is to live the next 30 years with him knowing what I know now -- which is how prescious he is and how prescious we both are together.  

How about it fairy godmother -- do you want to make a deal?  I'm sure we could work something out.