One Year Ago

My Dad died one year ago today. My nephew died 12 days ago today.

It’s funny that I have missed Sheldon more in the last 12 days then I have missed my Dad in the last 365.

And now I look at your picture Dad and the 365 days come crashing in.

Dad thank you for crossing over time and space to let Sheldon know that he would be with you and that he would not be alone. You always liked to do things in a big way.

I love you Dad and I especially miss you today.

Prayers for the dead are on the same footing as gifts for the living. The angel goes in to the dead with a tray of light, bearing a cloth of light, and says ‘This is a gift for your from your brother so-and-so, from your relative so-and-so.’ And he delights in it just as a living man rejoices in a gift.

~~ written by al-Ghazali ~~

Old Nights

Now that I know that nothing is important except love and the people we love, I am going to check out what I thought was a big deal.

Flashbacks From The Month Of September

September 21, 2002

*If I only had a deeper belief in myself.

*If my spirits get dampened, they get dampened by me.

September 15, 2003

*If someone asked me what dreams and desires I have that are unlived I would have to say all of them. I need to try to find out what they are and then not let them be buried. Find them and then work on making them real and know that I can only depend on myself to make them real.

September 22, 2003

*Physically I can’t freely do the things that I think I would like to do, when meanwhile when I could do them I didn’t anyway.

*Emotionally getting older makes me appreciate being younger but makes me upset that I didn’t appreciate and live fully all my days. On the other hand it tells me that life is short and there is not much time left so instead of regretting what I didn’t do at 47; when I’m 80. Do what I want because there really is only so much time and all we have is right now.

*Getting older affects me spiritually by pushing me not to just go through the motions of life, like the spinner in a wash cycle, but to consciously get the best out of each day with some emotion attached to my life. I realize that I go through life with next to no feelings. Spiritually I’m dissatisfied and I know it is my own fault.

*Valuable lessons that life has taught me is that you have to put something (emotion) into life to get back anything in return. People can give you all kinds of great feelings and positive things to say to you, but if you never had any investment in them it means absolutely nothing, even though they are giving you all of this heart-felt emotion. Their feelings were real and valuable and mine were worth nothing because they never had any feelings attached to them. I’ve wasted their time because they may as well have been praising or thanking a stone.

*Life truly is not a spectator sport. I want myself and my children to have a real life. It’s okay to get hurt, at least it is real.

*I have no age mentors and nobody’s path to maturity has inspired me, although younger people (Angelique, Nadalene, and Nathan) inspire me to be a participant in life.

September 23, 2003

*Who am I: someone who feels sorry for herself; someone who is disappointed, someone who doesn’t know how to move forward; a Mom, a member of a family, someone other than who people think I am; someone who is lonely, someone who wants no one; a slug. Who am I: someone with ideas without the stamina to follow through; someone who is too easy on herself; someone who is too hard on herself; an excellent communicator to people who don’t matter to me; a poor communicator. Who am I: a Mom; a person in a marriage where there is zero or next to zero companionship; a person who will do nothing to change it for a variety of reasons (probably none of them good enough.)

September 5, 2005

*Thank you God for giving me the ability to choose to be happy, to look at the positive; to see beauty around me; to have a good husband and to have the power to change what I don’t like about myself. To see the up-side of life.

*Bring a positive spin and not a victim spin. I definitely put a victim spin on things because it is easier than having to learn what I really want. Easier too, than having to work for anything.

*Every day, every minute is new. Choice. Making a choice is big, even if it is for the smallest thing.

*Gratitude. Appreciation. Identify – learn – act. I do clutch at joyous experiences rather than experience them. I need to be present in the moment. Be real. Breath!

September 13, 2006

*Dr. Grenier said although there were some good results on Taxotere, it was not working on my breast and underarm lymph nodes. The MRI showed cancer on the nerves and that is why my hand is numb. She has stopped chemo and Herceptin immediately. She started me on Tamoxifen today. She has referred me to Dr. Akra (radiation oncologist). I see him Wednesday. God, I am in your hands.

September 20, 2006

*Dr. Akra will be doing radiation on underarm and breast. It should be five days a week for 20 days. He does not want to do my back yet, as you can only get so much radiation in an area.

September 21, 2006

*Blood transfusion.

Flash Forward

Life is a learning experience. Life is very, very good. Make sure your heart is open and never miss the chance (and there will be many) to let someone know you care about them.

D = Angels And Goddesses

Djin is the helper of the Archangel Gabriel. He is an elemental king and holds the sphere of fire.

In the Koran the Djin (Jinn) are a race of beings created by Allah to serve Him. They are not his children nor are they deities. Djins were created from fire before humans were created from clay. Since the Koran states that Angels were created from fire too, it is safe to assume that Djins and Angels are the same kind of beings.

Like the Angels, there are good and bad Djins. Also like the Angels, Djin have been known to consort with humans to the detriment of both.

Djin are found mostly in Islamic or Arabian mythology. Some believe that Djin were created over 2,000 years before Adam and were possessors of a lofty place in paradise, they were considered equal to angels.

Many other people feel that the Djin (Jinn) are nothing more than the jenie in the lamp.

















Dolya is the Slavic Goddess of luck. Dolya is said to live behind the stove in all homes. When she is happy she appears as a beautiful maiden and bestows good luck on all in the house. When she is unhappy, however, she appears as Nedolya, a withered old woman who brings bad luck to all who live in the house.

Dolya is also known to be present at any home birth. She takes her responsibility of delivering fates to newborns very seriously.

In the tarot deck Dolya and Nedolya are associated with the great mother Goddess Makosh and they assist in the spinning of the threads of life.

Soundless Saturday No. 49

*artwork by Natalie Dee

Grieve With Us

Jacquie, Gilbert, and I did Sheldon’s obituary and it is in the Winnipeg Free Press today. Please read it and grieve with us that this most magical young man is no longer physically present in the world.

Sheldon Bouchard
May 31, 1984 – September 18, 2009

It is with deep sadness that we who loved him most announce the passing of our son and brother.

Remaining to forever cherish Sheldon’s memory are his parents Jacquie and Gilbert Bouchard; his siblings Ben (Chrisy) and Jennifer (Paul); nephews and nieces Brett, Jeff, Luke, Kayla, Grace, and Brady. He also leaves to mourn his grandmothers Daisy and Lil and his many aunts, uncles, and cousins.

Sheldon is predeceased by his grandfather Henri with whom he is currently sitting on a park bench with.

Sheldon had the best laugh you have ever heard. Sheldon loved to laugh and he loved to make others laugh. He was kind and polite and had a spirit that could make the galaxy look small.

Sheldon loved deeply, thought keenly, felt intensely and suffered beautifully. Sheldon showed us all what the true meaning of grace under fire meant.

A memorial service will be held on Friday, September 25, 2009 at 2:00 p.m. at Holy Family Parish on Archibald Road.

Private family reception to follow.

Times Three No. 11

Sheldon took his oxygen off; put his hand above his head and fell asleep at 4:30 a.m. on Friday, September 18, 2009. Uncle Joey was sound asleep beside him and the nurse woke Joey up to let him know that Sheldon had gone.

Birds kept flying in circles at the window. They wouldn’t leave; just fly up to the window and hover. When Nadalene and I left she pointed and said ‘Mom, look at the birds they are still there, they just keep circling outside Sheldon’s window.’

Josephine said ‘Sheldon, Mama, Sheldon?’ Angelique turned her head in the kitchen but no one else was there. Angelique said “Uncle Sheldon.” Angelique asked Don, did you tell Josephine I had gone to the hospital earlier to see Sheldon and Don said no. Later when Don and Josephine were sitting in her castle Angelique heard the following conversation between them. ‘Did you see Uncle Sheldon today?’ “Oui.” ‘Where did you see Uncle Sheldon?’ “In the kitchen Daddy.”

Jacquie, Nadalene and I are sitting in Jacquie’s hospital room and on the shelf are a rubber wheelchair pad and on top of that a neck pillow. We are talking and Jacquie starts crying. The pad and the pillow fly off the shelf and land in the middle of the floor. So where there were three, there must have been four.

Mom is saying her rosary and catches a reflection. She looks again and realizes it is not a reflection but a park bench with my father and Sheldon sitting on it. My mother has always seen shadow people, but they weren’t shadow people.

Welcome Home

Goodnight sweet prince. Rest in peace.