Tuesday, 29 September 2009
Now that I know that nothing is important except love and the people we love, I am going to check out what I thought was a big deal.
Flashbacks From The Month Of September
September 21, 2002
*If I only had a deeper belief in myself.
*If my spirits get dampened, they get dampened by me.
September 15, 2003
*If someone asked me what dreams and desires I have that are unlived I would have to say all of them. I need to try to find out what they are and then not let them be buried. Find them and then work on making them real and know that I can only depend on myself to make them real.
September 22, 2003
*Physically I can’t freely do the things that I think I would like to do, when meanwhile when I could do them I didn’t anyway.
*Emotionally getting older makes me appreciate being younger but makes me upset that I didn’t appreciate and live fully all my days. On the other hand it tells me that life is short and there is not much time left so instead of regretting what I didn’t do at 47; when I’m 80. Do what I want because there really is only so much time and all we have is right now.
*Getting older affects me spiritually by pushing me not to just go through the motions of life, like the spinner in a wash cycle, but to consciously get the best out of each day with some emotion attached to my life. I realize that I go through life with next to no feelings. Spiritually I’m dissatisfied and I know it is my own fault.
*Valuable lessons that life has taught me is that you have to put something (emotion) into life to get back anything in return. People can give you all kinds of great feelings and positive things to say to you, but if you never had any investment in them it means absolutely nothing, even though they are giving you all of this heart-felt emotion. Their feelings were real and valuable and mine were worth nothing because they never had any feelings attached to them. I’ve wasted their time because they may as well have been praising or thanking a stone.
*Life truly is not a spectator sport. I want myself and my children to have a real life. It’s okay to get hurt, at least it is real.
*I have no age mentors and nobody’s path to maturity has inspired me, although younger people (Angelique, Nadalene, and Nathan) inspire me to be a participant in life.
September 23, 2003
*Who am I: someone who feels sorry for herself; someone who is disappointed, someone who doesn’t know how to move forward; a Mom, a member of a family, someone other than who people think I am; someone who is lonely, someone who wants no one; a slug. Who am I: someone with ideas without the stamina to follow through; someone who is too easy on herself; someone who is too hard on herself; an excellent communicator to people who don’t matter to me; a poor communicator. Who am I: a Mom; a person in a marriage where there is zero or next to zero companionship; a person who will do nothing to change it for a variety of reasons (probably none of them good enough.)
September 5, 2005
*Thank you God for giving me the ability to choose to be happy, to look at the positive; to see beauty around me; to have a good husband and to have the power to change what I don’t like about myself. To see the up-side of life.
*Bring a positive spin and not a victim spin. I definitely put a victim spin on things because it is easier than having to learn what I really want. Easier too, than having to work for anything.
*Every day, every minute is new. Choice. Making a choice is big, even if it is for the smallest thing.
*Gratitude. Appreciation. Identify – learn – act. I do clutch at joyous experiences rather than experience them. I need to be present in the moment. Be real. Breath!
September 13, 2006
*Dr. Grenier said although there were some good results on Taxotere, it was not working on my breast and underarm lymph nodes. The MRI showed cancer on the nerves and that is why my hand is numb. She has stopped chemo and Herceptin immediately. She started me on Tamoxifen today. She has referred me to Dr. Akra (radiation oncologist). I see him Wednesday. God, I am in your hands.
September 20, 2006
*Dr. Akra will be doing radiation on underarm and breast. It should be five days a week for 20 days. He does not want to do my back yet, as you can only get so much radiation in an area.
September 21, 2006
Life is a learning experience. Life is very, very good. Make sure your heart is open and never miss the chance (and there will be many) to let someone know you care about them.