The Writings On The Wall

Funny how the things you thought were something end up being nothing; vapor and dust and smoke and mirrors.

Flashbacks From The Month Of May

May 20, 2001

*Nathan had his Grade 12 Graduation on May 9, 2001. We had a family party for him before his convocation and everyone came, he received a lot of presents, we took lots of pictures and he was very gracious to everyone. I am very proud of him, and of how all of my children handle social situations.

*I am happy to be alive so that I can enjoy going out with my daughters.

*I don’t feel that I have missed out on anything because I was afraid of what others would think if I stepped out ahead of them, because I don’t feel I considered what other people would think of me, their opinion does not matter to me at all.

*If this was my last year, these are some of the things I would do:

-- Meet with all of the people who are important to me (separately and at different times) and let them know why I value them.

-- Go on a family holiday to a beautiful island with Wahid, Angelique, Nadalene and Nathan and stay there as long as we could afford too.

-- Have private conversations with my children, letting each of them know how wonderful, unique, and special they are to me.

-- I would organize all my papers and money so that my family wouldn’t have to deal with it.

-- I would live my life to the fullest everyday and I would go to bed each night feeling satisfied that I had left no stone unturned.

-- I would be curious.

-- And last but not least I would find out why I only had a year left to me and I would find a cure for what ailed me so I could continue to live. If I could not find a cure, I would try to be at peace as much as possible and get ready for the next step in my evolution.

-- Most importantly I would live in the moment by living my life consciously.

*I think I imagined living in our own house meant that I would be happy every day, and that the house would always look wonderful. I definitely thought I would be happier having our own house, and 20 years later I know that in fact I am happier that we have our own house.

*When we hit bumps in the road, like loss of a job, we just tried harder. ‘When the going gets tough, the tough get going.’

*I would definitely tell someone if they were important to me, even if I wasn’t important to them.

*One way I am robbing myself of joy is by focusing my attention on my weight, and therefore not going out as much as I would like to because I don’t feel confident in myself. This must change because I am robbing myself of happiness.

*I have to remind myself that in a blink of the eye, time is gone and I can’t get it back.

*Wahid is the person in my life that gives me the most contentment. I do depend more on my children to bring me satisfaction than I depend on myself to go out and get my own satisfaction. I have to learn to get some satisfaction that does not revolve around what my children are doing.

*Nadalene wrote in my journal ‘Kids + Chaos = No Romance’.

*I am so willing to live without a lot of things. There really is very little I desire.

*One thing I feel must happen in my life is that I raise three honest, dependable, happy, fun-loving, caring, kind, productive, and respectful open-minded, non-judgmental adults. If my children aren’t this way, I will be able to move forward. But I would not stop trying to make them good people.

*I think I am definitely attached to what people I care about think of me. But if I don’t care about them, then what they think of me is not important to me. I believe I can let go of the need for approval of what other people think of me, as a matter of fact, I have already let go of it.

May 13, 2002

*I believe that in my closest relationships we are a partnership of equals.

*I don’t think freedom means doing anything you want at the expense of others. If I feel like slapping someone, it would not be a freedom to just go ahead and do it.

May 25, 2002

*I think restraint is important in all relationships whether it be with husband, children, family or friends. Not everything you feel at a time needs to be said.

*I think being open-minded is a strength. I am willing to modify my position on an issue after learning more about something. ‘It’s okay to make a first impression, but you don’t have to marry it.’

May 30, 2003

*Angelique won an award from the Government of France for ‘French in Education.’

*I would never want to be in an unbalanced relationship where one person has power over another, nor would I want to be the person yielding the power. To have balance you need respect from all parties.

*Perspective – overall, I am satisfied with my life. I don’t have any burning desires. I don’t have any amends to make. I do have some regrets; some what-ifs?

*I definitely deal with frustration by withdrawal. I keep them to myself. I am a minimizer. I believe Wahid is also a minimizer. Because we are the same we have very little conflict.

May 24, 2004

*Time spent with family is a necessity for me. Time spent with friends is a luxury.

May 31, 2004

*I am trying to think when I felt really happy about the day ahead of me. I can’t really remember what it was like not to have worries, but I’d sure like to be carefree again.

*In six months from now I picture my life to be the same and it makes me feel overwhelmed, but at the same time I hope to God that there is nothing worse on my plate.

May 23, 2005

*My relationship with Wahid is going well because we respect each other. We have a shared history. When I forget, he can speak my memories (his words). My relationship with my children is going well because we respect each other. I enjoy my children. Their dreams are my dreams. They want for me what I want for them.

*It is definitely not a matter of time for me. It is a matter of will. When it comes to changes in my life, I am my biggest obstacle.

*The five ugliest things I say to myself are: loser; fat; basically I probably only use those two things to say to myself, but even then, very rarely. I sometimes feel sorry for myself by thinking I should have more money, have more things done around the house. I’m grateful and ungrateful.

May 29, 2005

*I live in the comfortable and familiar rather than challenge myself in the exotic and exciting.

*I am afraid of losing face. A dish of pride anyone?

*I won’t sacrifice my life for anyone. I am independent and don’t like anyone to be dependant on me. They can depend on me; they just can’t be dependant on me.

May 9, 2006

*Had blood transfusions yesterday. No boost of energy!

*Mom is a great older woman role model in many ways. Even on oxygen she is always game to go out and do something. Mom is alive until she is not.

May 15, 2006

*I really don’t have disagreements with people because I am quite comfortable with their opinion being different from mine. I agree to agree to disagree. I am not threatened by other’s opinions.

May 20, 2006

*Today was a pleasure to hold Hafeez’s baby. Pleasure must be a state of mind; a state of awareness in the moment.

*I don’t relish anything. I need to change my attitude and perspective on things.

May 24, 2006

*Dr. Dubroska felt chemo is working on the bone marrow as platelets are going up. She told me not to go for massage as it can spread cancer in blood stream as it is close to the surface. They made appointment for bone scan. Cancer is estrogen/progesterone driven.

May 4, 2007

*FEC first cycle. I am afraid, but so far so good as far as feeling sick.

Flash Forward

Everything is an illusion after all. It is vapor and dust and smoke and mirrors. However, the love one feels is always true.