Tuesday, 12 January 2010

Our Warning

















My Mom is dying. Is it better to say my Mom is very ill? If it is, it wouldn’t be right because that of itself is not quite true; as it is more than that. I must keep this real in my own language and state that my Mom is dying.

Boy how we all love our Mom, we, who are so fortunate to have the best mother in the world and I mean bar none. If you think you know how much we all love our Mom than you need to rethink it again.

Mom has been in and out of the hospital over the last six months with different chest problems that are mostly associated to her COPD. At one point they even thought she had the swine flu, which she did not.

My Mom has been in Riverview since before Christmas and has had many tests, one of which was a Mugga Scan that is showing that the arteries from the heart are very weak as they have had to work quite hard for her lungs.

Part of the problem as COPD advances is that the body goes into a panic that it cannot breathe. This is very hard on the heart. After the scan they started my Mom on fentanyl to help trick her brain into thinking she is breathing better so that she does not panic which makes her much weaker that much faster.

So now my Mom gets fentanyl before she eats, goes to the bathroom, sleeps, basically moves period.

There was a family meeting before Christmas and everyone in the city went. I just stayed with my Mom in her room as I had no interest in going to the meeting. For me it would just be the same of what I have heard for the last four years about myself. ‘She is dying; we don’t know how long; etc. etc.’

Mickey told me that the medication was what they give to people in their last stages of life.

Joey said there would be no warning and that when Mom dies, she will just seem to fall asleep. For some reason I was surprised.

Let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want more than all the world your return. ~~ Mary Jean Iron ~~

Shelly was over and we were talking about it and I thought I better clarify. I had thought that we would have time to gather around Mom. Shelly told me that she mentioned in the meeting that we were able to be there with our nephew Sheldon and our Dad at the end and would we have that opportunity. They said no, that we may not even know Mom died right away, we may be talking to her and she will take a breath and just pass away.

Even still I kept thinking maybe we would have a warning and I realized that the fentanyl is our warning. This is the last stages; this is our gathering time; this is our warning; this is our time to gather around.

Shelly and Jeanine are taking care of Mom’s needs and meeting with the doctors and staff. Shelly will be having my Mom come and live with her. Mom is so excited and we are all excited. We are all happy that our Mom will be in a loving home with a loving daughter and Mom will have most of her children able to come and help her.

Shelly and I were talking the other day and I was just saying what a blessing for Shelly. Of course, Jacquie or I would have taken Mom in our homes in a heartbeat had we been able too, but that is not the case; so Shelly is the lucky one.

I said to Shelly ‘Mom was there to usher you into the world Shelly and now you will be able to be there to usher her on her return from the world.’ Talk about full circle.

We all believe that my Mom will live until she dies because that is just how she does it. And as long as my Mom is comfortable I hope this dying takes a very long time.

*artwork by Kelly Vivanco

119 comments:

Micki said...

I'm sorry to hear about your Mum Renee, I hope she will be happy at your sister's for whatever time she has left.

Micki x

nollyposh said...

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

@eloh said...

I rely on my stout heart to get me a little further down the road.
This picture reminds me of my daughter's eyes everytime I stumble.

My best to you and your momma.

Dede said...

Renee, I am so very sorry. My heart aches for you and your family, it truly does. I too hope that as long as she is comfortable, it takes a very long time. I love you my dear friend.....

(((HUGS)))

cinner said...

I hope this all takes a long, long, time. Thank goodness for families to provide strength for one another. My Dad died in May still farming at 74. Renee sometimes this is all hard to understand, I have given it al up to a higher power, that is the only way I can understand, how long have you had Cancer....I pray for a cure! I pray for you Mom and your sister too.Thankyou for your wonderful comment earlier. I explained all about my condition as best I could. It seems like nothing compared to others. May we all find strength in numbers.

RNSANE said...

My dear Renee, this is such a beautiful but, sorrowful post. It seems you are totally realistic about your mother's illness and are just wanting to cherish her as long as you have her. It is good that she will be with your sister until her time is up and that all of you will be able to be with her as much as you can.

I wish you stamina to take care of yourself during this very difficult time and send love to both you, your mother and your family, along with many heartfelt prayers.

Allegra Smith said...

No one truly dies who lives in someone's heart. Your Mother is alive today and tomorrow and for as long as one of you keeps her close to your heart. She will be alive in every kindness, every good word, every good deed that any one of you may have the grace to do in her name, because she taught you and she shared her grace with you.

I know it is hard to let go of the hand that held you when you first started to walk around this world and everything was uncertain and fearful, except her hand. She was the warrior against fear and she gave you the courage to walk, to go on even when she did not hold your hand, she was there, and she will never leave.

Be thankful for her, as you said she was to you the best mother in the world bar none and so be it.
If the meds are helping her not to panic and to take a breath in peace, blessed be the meds. If she will go quietly into that peaceful night she will be met by your father and Sheldon and she will be happy. Your sadness must be mitigated by that thought.

And you and Jacquie take good care of yourselves. Be happy to have wonderful and warm memories, nothing can take that away from you, least of anything death.

My love to all of you and you know I am here for you, LALF.

Art by Sascalia said...

Oh my, I am so sorry Renee, how we all love our mums so much. So sad for you. x

momcat said...

What a sad time to have to face Renee. I feel for you as I anticipate having to face this hard time with my own parents some day. I wish for you a heightened awareness of every nuance of the time spent with her now so that this time will become part of your memory of your beloved mom.

soulbrush said...

what can i say dearest one? all lives do end, and she has had a good one, and all you can do for her now is tell her how much you love her every time you see her (i didn't do this with my mom,i just couldn't, as she had been too cruel to me). just love her lots, she knows she is going, she just does. love you all lots dearest one.

Move With Me said...

thats so sad, Renee, my heart truly goes out to you.. i do hope you get to spend along time together so that your all ready before the crossing.

Hugs
A'isha

secret agent woman said...

Lung disorders are so hard because of the panic that gets triggered. We're just wired to react to difficulty breathing. I'm glad your Mom is able to live with Shelly and I know that she is wrapped up in the powerful love that your family has.

Silke said...

Oh, Renee, once again my heart is breaking for you! At the same time I can't help but think how lucky you are to have your mom in your life this long and to be able to say good bye. I know it sounds strange, but I'm just reminded of my own mother dying when I was in my early 20's and so suddenly that it was a complete shock to all of us. Still, I know that no matter how or when it happens, it always seems too soon! I so feel for your family and hold you all in my heart! Sending you all my love, Silke

Mim said...

Oh Renee - I am sad for you today reading this post. I know how you love your mom, and have been praying that she would get better. She is such a rock for you and oh..all these changes are so hard. I know that everyone will be thinking of you and your family, and sending you love and prayers for strength.

Jos said...

"...and I hope this dying takes a very long time". Amen. Full circle Renee. And I love the way you are helping Shelley and you mom at the same time. I am glad that you have the best mom ever. I suspect if your children were asked they would say the same thing about you ... and they'd be right. After all, you learnt from the best.

Lord, please bless Daisy today ... every day. Surround her with a sense of your peace, with love and faith. Grant her an awareness at all times that she is loved by you and by her blessed family. Amen.

Val Zdero said...

Oh sweet Renee, my heart goes out to you and I wish your darling mum stays with you for a very long time to come... its so hard to just even think about it as we will all lose our parents down the road some day, but I hope that road is very very very long way away...lots of warm supportive hugs to you from me...

Ingrid Mida said...

My dearest Renee,
My heart goes out to you and your family. You have so much to deal with. I wish you peace and send you my love.

Vicki Holdwick said...

Renee,

I so love how you accept life for what it is, all the while appreciating what you have and how to make the most of it.

I was able to get my Mom an appointment for tomorrow. For now I am trying to stay optimistic, but am preparing inside for whatever is found.

I love you, Renee; by the way, my Mom's name is Rena and people who don't know her often pronounce her name Renee.

xoxo

Sonia ;) said...

I think that was the most graceful explanation of what is like for you right now. Also what it is like for Daisy.Full circle is not a comfort most get to have. Daisy knows she is loved and the best mom ever because the children are all awesome as it seems. You must share some old photos of Miss Daisy for us to say Hello too...Im sorry death has knocked one too many times on your door.

Love you Lovey
xoxoxoxoxox

Manon Doyle said...

I also hope your Mom's dying takes a very long time. I'm glad that Shelly can take her and make her comfortable. My prayers are with you everyday my friend.
love you
manon
xo

Bonnie, Original Art Studio said...

I'm so glad to hear your mother gets her wish to leave the hospital and spend her final days with her family.

It boggles my mind how much illness you have had to deal with as you too are ill. I've never heard of a set of circumstances quite like this. Only a woman of your depth, compassion and inner strength could brave it with so much grace.

Woman in a Window said...

you you you
ache my heart
in your beauty
in you
and all of you
fu**
xo
erin
(you so have it right
right right right
let us all learn)

ToM KiDDo said...

Are your Mom suffering? My whole family hope that my grandma 'leave' because she's suffering...

I'm so sorry, Renee...Hope your Mom lives happily till the end of her time :)

Vera said...

Renee, my thoughts are with you. People are with us for short times or long times. Let's hope that your Mum settles for the long time.

angelique said...

Let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want more than all the world your return. ~~ Mary Jean Iron ~~

I feel this way all the time with you, and now Grandma and AJ. It makes me cry just to read it.

Renee said...

Darling Angelique it makes me cry to read that you have just cried too. It rips up our hearts.

I will always love you and I don't want you to dig your nails in the earth but I know you will.

But AJ and I are still here for a while yet and so is Grandma and so that is just what we have to concentrate on.

Love Mom xoxoxo

Angela Recada said...

I am so sorry about your darling mom, dearest Renee. I know she will find comfort by being in Shelly's loving home, rather than the hospital. May you all have the gift of time, freedom from pain, and moments to cherish.

All my love,
xoxoxo
Angela

Debra She Who Seeks said...

I'm glad your Mom will be in the comfort of your sister's home, surrounded by the love and attention of her family. Hugs to all today and every day.

studio lolo said...

All I can do is wrap my wings around you in love.
I know you know I'm right there beside you.
And I know you know I miss my mother every single day, twent-five years later.

love you tons,
xoxo
Lolo

LDWatkins said...

To have the time to tell her how much you love her, to hold her and feel her softness, to laugh with her and save the missing until she's gone doesn't make the end easier just a bit gentler for us. Prayers for you and the family. Hugs, Lynda

Linda said...

Dearest Renee,

The three of you that are in transition are doing something so huge for your family.

You three are the living ancestors.

You leave this plane of reality preparing those who will remain to face life as it is, with the strength of your family's love to be with you all whenever change comes.

To love so unselfishly and so unconditionally is the mark of a true angel.

As kj say, a Senior Angel.

I love you.

xoxo right back at you

Jenea said...

Dear Renee!!! Your so good word's, make me to think. You are totally right, our mom's the most dearest person in all our lives. They is like angels who help us in a difficult moment. Don't worry please, I think that your mom will live very long time yet. When, I read this wonderful post, I remembered about one The best film what I have seen ever, - The Bucket List---maybe you heard about it!!! Please look this film with your mom, it's very interesting and a little bit seems like on your story.

Wish you all the best!

Sarah said...

Oh hon..I am so deeply sorry..trying to write through tears. It has been such a rough season for all of you..gentle hugs.
So very glad she will be at your sisters! That is huge. I worked as a CNA for a while and had several COPD patients..so I understand the issues..to have her home will be a blessing for her no doubt.
This may be one of the few things that I have gone through before you hon..the loss of my Mom. Then again you have lost your Father and know what to do I am sure..love her and say what you need to say. I love you Renee..sending gentle swan hugs to you! Love, Sarah

Karin Bartimole said...

Renee, this is a loving living tribute to the devotion you and your family have for one another, the honoring you give each other with your care and how well yo come together. As difficult as having your mom's passing be one that may go silently or even perhaps unnoticed for a moment, what a blessing for her. To be able to take a breath, let it go, and move on to be greeted by Sheldon and all the loved ones that will be there to usher her through those great gates.
Thank you for sharing the Mary Jean Iron quote - so beautiful, heart wrenching and real - just like you.
Love love love, Karin

Together We Save said...

I am so sorry to hear about your mother.

Artistic Accents by Darla said...

Sweet Renee...I'm sorry for this sad news. I know your mother will be surrounded by so much love and support and admiration when her time comes. I pray for you all!
Love, Darla

yoborobo said...

Renee - I am so sorry. We all love our moms so much. They are the link between us all, our siblings, our pasts. How hard this must be for all of you. I am glad she is getting to go to Shelly's. I know if it were me, to be out of the hospital and with my loved ones would be my wish. I cried when I read Mary Jean Iron's words. I pray you will have much more time to hold and love your mom. xoxoxoxoxoxoxo Pam

Anonymous said...

Oh Renee,I am so sorry to hear about your mom. My love and prayers are sent to you with big hugs,Love, Barb

Linda said...

Renee,

In answer to your question on my blog this morning...

Look in the mirror!!!!!

You're looking right at one. You are my hero, love.

xoxo right back at you

Woman in a Window said...

(renee, you meet me a thousand times every day. i do love you too.)

Marie said...

So sorry to hear about your mom Renee. I shall keep her in my prayers as well. It is so hard to see your parents come to this end stage of their lives. I hope and pray that you all, including your mom, enjoy every second of what time is left. (((hugs)))

Deborah said...

Live until she dies...I fully understand that statement. That is what my Daddy has been doing this past extra year that God granted him...living until he dies. How he commands his bones to move, to repair the house, to live through the pain I hope to never know.
Happy homecoming to your Mom...there is much to be learned from sitting with the dying...much like sitting at the feet of Jesus.

Blessed be God forever, blessed be His Holy Name. Jesus, in Your mercy, remove the panic from your faithful servant and grant her your Peace, that she may fully live with her children until You call her home. Amen.

pinkglitterfae said...

Renee I am so sorry about your mom. But thank God you are removing her from the hospital, and letting her be with her family, where she belongs. I'm praying that by taking her out of the place that is filled with sickness, and putting her in a loving home, she just may be with you for a long time.
Enjoy every precious moment with her,

xoxo
betty

Mother's Moon's Message said...

Although I am so sorry for your family I can not help but admire you likewise... what a wonderful legacy your mother has left and what a wonderful testament you (the family) are to her existance. I pray that the time is long and full of those special moments yet in truth you have all been blessed with an abundance of wealth already. Cherish every last morsel. It is truly a gift.

Diva Kreszl said...

Sweet Renee, you remain in my prayers as does your sweet mother. I hope that you get to spend some peaceful loving moments with you Mom and that her journey to meet our Lord is painless and may she be aware of Him carrying her in His loving arms!

Silke said...

Dearest Renee, a little comment on your comment on my blog. Because I experienced my mother dying so young, I know that your children will be alright, especially with the foundation of love you have given them. I still talk to my mom every day and I can feel her loving presence around me. You'll feel that, too, as will your children when that time comes. All my love, Silke

kj said...

My darling friend,

I could not hold you long enough or tight enough no matter how much I try

Annie said...

Oh Renee. I love you and I am sending a million hugs. You are lucky to have such a wonderful mom.
I hope she has happy last days and that by some miracle you are all there when she leaves to go be an angel. ♥ xoxox

Wine and Words said...

Gather 'round now. Isn't it better now, than the threshold of later?

I am so sorry Renee. So much heartache for you, grief and sorrow...outside your skin and under it as well.

((HUGS))

Lilacrobin said...

Dear Renee,
Your Mother is a treasure and has dusted all her children with sparkles of laughter, joy, purpose, strength and yes, accecptance. I am glad she is leaving hospital confines and coming home to be with family.

I lost my beloved Mother almost twenty-six years ago - when both of us were quite young. I still miss her, still dream about her....and know that she is still with me,watching over me.

Enjoy every minute you have with your amazing Mother.

Sending prayers and love to you, your Mother and all your family.

Robin

Marie Antionette said...

Oh my dear sweet Renee,
You have so much on your shoulders.God gave you some very strong shoulders. It may not seem that way to you, but to others you are strong, and thats what your beautiful Mother needs.Both my parents are gone too.I will always miss them.I will pray for her and you.I'm glad she is comfortable. I don't know if you knew this , but I've had 6 light strokes and a heart attack.Sometimes I want to give up.I almost did,you get tired.My daughters strenght was what brought me back and still keeps me fighting.God bless you all my Dear One.
XXOO Marie Antionette

Lori ann said...

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ please rest without pain dear mom.

love,
lori

Sarah said...

Aww thanks hon..so glad ya like the story..I am having fun with it! I read through it again and found I had forgotten to change the Lily's name a couple of times..I had a different name in the first draft...Fixed it! So very glad ya like it hon!
Love ya, Sarah

Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...

Renee,
This is so heartbreaking. I wish that I could offer you some comfort. Squeeze your hand; offer a hug. All I can do is shed my tears and say a prayer for your family.

karen gerstenberger said...

Dear Renee, I am so sorry that this is the way it is, but am thankful that you have heard the "warning" and are heeding it. Being aware, and living intentionally, will make these days with your mother full of meaning and even more love than everyday. And I know that you already have an advanced degree in LOVE.

You are right that it's a gift to Shelly that she is the one who can do this. May each one of us have someone who is willing and able to take us home, and surround us with the comforts of love as we make the transition from this world to the next!

Your mom sounds like one of the real saints of this life. What a reunion there will be, when she opens her eyes to see your dad and Sheldon waiting for her!
I send my love to her - and of course, to YOU and the rest of your family. XOXOXOXO

lakeviewer said...

We are holding hands, shoulder to shoulder with you and your family.

PurestGreen said...

My grandmother has COPD, and as sad as this post was to read, it helped me understand the process of this disease. We have all read a lot about it and know that it is just a matter of time. She is not yet on this drug you mentioned, but she has had attacks when she cannot breathe. I think she and my grandfather are in denial about the seriousness of it, which makes me worried for my grandfather.

I wish you and your family lots of love.

Great-Granny Grandma said...

Oh Renee, I am so sorry to read about your mom. What a blessing you all are to each other, and what an awesome example to those who follow.

I hope your mom is comfortable at Shelly's and that the medication will help her not to panic. I pray that she will fool the doctors and be around for a very long time, and that she won't have to struggle for each breath, and that when she does pass, it will be peacfully in her sleep.

The feeling of not being able to breathe and the resulting panic must be the most horrible thing to deal with that I can imagine.

((((( )))))

Sara Williams said...

Dear Renee, I am so sorry, your post was so moving. I will say a prayer for your mum.

If you have a mother
Cherish her with care
For you never know her value
Till you see her vacant chair

(((hugs)))

Bella Sinclair said...

I'm sorry. I eavesdropped. Reading your exchange with Angelique reduced me to tears. What a unique position you are in. You are both mother and child. You are experiencing this from both perspectives and have such strength, more than I ever imagined.

I am glad your mother will be in a cozy home, surrounded by the people she loves most. I keep you all in my heart and thoughts, every single day.

Jenny S said...

Oh damn Renee! You are such a postive person with how you describe things. It is amazing how matter of fact you can be about all of this. I would be a basket case! This Saturday is my mom's 55 birthday. It is a milestone as she has now made it 10 years since finding her original breast lump!! We are going to PARTY!!

Marion said...

Renee, words seem so empty and inadequate at a time like this. I'm sending you my prayers and my love, dearest friend. What a wonderful, loving and giving woman your mother must be to have birthed and raised to many exquisite children. Give her a hug for me. Love & Blessings & Hugs, dear Renee...

turquoise cro said...

My mom has COPD and I worry all the time about her breathing! YOU can hear it in her voice on the telephone! She takes oxygen at night and this helps her for the next day which she still drives and cooks and watches over Dad! Yes, let's all stop and think about our moms and Bless them whether or not we had the best relationship with them! I'm thinking of YOU and your mom today sweet woman and in my prayers you both go!!

Arija said...

We come into this world to do the learning we elected to accomplish and leave to move onward in our education. It is the love we leave behind that really matters.

Dearest Renee, I too am heading on a slippery downhill slope. This last heatwave knocked me up severely. Neither my heart nor my pills are coping with the water I am retaining. I can hardly walk now and the pressure in my head is so great that that sleep without pills just does not happen.

Marie S said...

Renee what a fitting remembrance while she is alive. Well done!!
She is indeed a treasure, you are all proof of that and of the love... the love will always be the proof.
You are the most amazing family I have ever met. I am indeed blessed to know you and all the rest.
LOVE is all there is!!!
Your Mother has given you all such a grace. What a treasure, indeed.
I love you my pretty!!
May it last long.

Emme Toaye said...

Renee, I am so sorry for your heartache and sorry for your Mom's heartache. You are both facing the hardest journey you will ever embark on and I wish you both comfort and warmth and love. You are a very brave person, daughter, girl, soul, friend and a thousand other entities. Stay safe and be true to yourself. I, as I am sure everyone else send much love and positive thoughts.

Baino said...

We're all dying Renee, just some of us know when, some of us don't. Some of us sooner, some of us later. So, so sad about your mum and I think she must also be one extraordinary woman to have raised so many children who seem to be so fabulous. My mum was taken suddenly from me and I still miss her. I don't know what's worse, knowing or a sudden departure.

Meghann LittleStudio said...

I am so sorry to hear that your mom is so sick. I am happy, however, that you have a bit of warning and that she is able to have such a loving family around her to see her off on her next great adventure. I hope I am so blessed when my time comes.
Hugs and many, many prayers,
Meg

deb said...

This breaks my heart.
And heals it too.
I send you prayers for time . Precious time.
I feel honoured just knowing the little I do thus far about your family.
I hope that I am beginning such a line of love, a circle of hope and devotion with our children.
So we will have each other, like this. Whatever comes into our lives.

Strange, turning 47 I am happier than ever, but suddenly aware of how much I'm fading into the background a bit as my children come into their own.

love to you.

Sniffles and Smiles said...

I'm so sorry, Renee...My heart is with you...and I hope it takes a very, very, very long time for your sake and is not uncomfortable for hers! ~Janine XO

clairedulalune said...

Dear Renee, I am so very sorry. Heartbreaking. your mom is surrounded by loved ones and strength that can never be broken. Thinking of you, Claire. ((Hugs, hugs, hugs.))

Ces said...

Oh Renee, I am so very sorry to see you suffer so much. I know exactly how much you love your mother. Believe me, I know. I wish your mother does not suffer so much.

My first RN job in the US was staff nurse at the respiratory unit for patients with COPD. I hated that job because I witnessed so much suffering but then realized that if I hated it then my patients hated it more. It is a very scary condition. I got to know my patients and their families because they were in and out of the hospital. I got to meet the wives,husband, children, grandchildren and friends. It was not a very good job for me because I was young and I internalized my patients' problems. I had to demonstrate empathy but deep inside, I was crumbling because it pained me to see my patients gasp for air. There was an angel there, a nurse named Ruby who was ten years older than I was. I loved her very much because she was the most compassionate person I have ever met. She prayed constantly. She treated every patient as if they were her family members. I wanted so much to be like her. One day I told myself that for every kind act I do beyond what is required of me, it will be a deposit towards the future care of my parents, they were alive and healthy at that time but nonetheless, I was making deposits for them. It became easier.

I know how scary and frightening any lung condition is. Every year I suffer from asthmatic bronchitis and gasping for air is like dying but I know that given enough time my medications will work and clear my lungs.

But COPD, I wish we will be able to eradicate this disease. It does not garner enough public attention and research funding as the other diseases.

I pray for calm and peace for your mother. Just kiss her and hg her. When my mother was dying, my sister and I who took care of her for three weeks 24-7 in the hospital stopped being nurses. In the end, all I could ever utter were, Thank you for being my mother and I love you so much.

We are at an age when our parents are getting sick and dying. I spent an hour today listening to a friend lament and express her sorrow over the death of her mother last week.

Just let her know how much you love her Renee, in the end, it's the only thing that matters. Kiss her and hug her. Comb her hair with your fingers, touch her cheek, caress her, kiss her, kiss her and tell her how much you love her. She knows that but nonetheless.

Michelle said...

Yes. As long as she is feeling ok a long time is good.

xxx

one little acorn said...

I am so sorry about your Mom and the heartache you must all be feeling. Thankfully she will be surrounded by the ones she loves and those who love her.
Lots of love to you and your family Renee. xxx

Elizabeth said...

The simplicity of your language gives it its awesome power. You are a healer, Renee, and your source is your Mother. God bless her and you as you go on this journey. My heart is sore for you but it is lifted, too, by your grace and love.

Yarrow said...

Words fail me Renee. That you can talk so freely, with a depth that is both heart rending and uplifting at the same time, amazes me. I want to cry for you and with you, but not from pity, I don't think that's your style. I wish my words could be a huge hug.

Quan Yin is one of my guides too, she is certainly a favourite :)

Love and hugs to you all.x

Kelly Kilmer said...

Sending you much, much, much love.

Barbara said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mother. I hope she can be comfortable in the time she has left. Slipping off in her sleep is really a peaceful way...I wish my mother could have had a more peaceful passing. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Pattee said...

Renee, dear Renee...

I'm so sorry to hear that your mom could die any moment. Your mom, I can tell is well loved and will be taken good care of with loving hearts.

What a past 8 months you've had, Jacquie, Sheldon, and yourself... and now mom.

Full circles... in a way that is a very comforting thought.

You light up my heart.
Give a kiss to your mom from someone she doesn't know (me)....
Much love and thoughts Renee~
Pattee

Ribbon said...

I too hope the dying takes a very long time.

big love to you Renee.
I'm so sorry for this suffering.
I completely understand this sorrow.

take care and enjoy your Mum
xoxo Ribbon

ALeks said...

If it will mean anything dearest Renee i am thinking of you all the time,of all of you!
I do hope you will be around your mama as long as you need.
Take your time,take care of each other and yourself,love
Aleksandra

julie mitchell said...

Renee,

What to say? Everyone here has already said it. This life and death dance we do is really a tough one. My mother passed away 19 years ago and I still miss her everyday....the death of our mom is so big...even for those who aren't close...Mother's have such a huge impact on us...and then they are gone and we're next up. I still dream of my mother and often I smell her...it's as though she is close..maybe with our twins.
I want so much to ease your sorrow...holding you, your sisters, and all of those who will miss her, in the light.
hug, hug

Karen D said...

First let me say, what an incredible way to look at the end stages of a life, I have been through this with some of my relatives over the last few years and I wish I had known you then, but I am happy to read this now, it gives me courage reading your words for some reason unknown to me.
I hope you spend many more days with your Mom's love around you - Peace to you and your family.

Yoli said...

{{Hugs}} No words.

A Thousand Clapping Hands said...

I send you love, Renee...and to everyone in your beautiful family.

Catherine xxoo

BT said...

I am so sorry to hear the sad news that your Mom does not have long to live Renee, but happy that she will be at home with Shelley and well looked after. The drug will give her relief and that has to be a good thing. Love you sweet Renee. Enjoy the time you have with your Mom. Sadly mine died in 1980 when I was only 32. I miss her even now.

Ruth said...

Having time to say good-bye to a loving parent is a tremendous gift. All my siblings but one were with my dad when he took his last breath. It was the most beautiful death. I will treasure it all my living days.

Love to you and your mom, and all your family. It does my heart great good to read of this circle of life and death in your loving family.

Anonymous said...

My heart is very much with you Renee. The pain of everything.
Mothers are so precious.
So sad.
Love Sally

Angela Matteson said...

My heart goes out to you in these difficult times. Sending you all my love.

maggie's garden said...

So sorry Renee.
Sending you my love
xxoo

Marie S said...

This seems too much for one family. I wish there was something I could do.
I love you!!

kj said...

renee, i read this early this morning and now i have read it again in the quiet evening, with time to absorb. you are losing your Mother at a time when you get and benefit from so much comfort from her. all three of you are standing up straight, facing this, together. i can't imagine how that feels, how deeply you must each be affected to be experiencing this weird unfathomable universe.

i am not religious and do not offer meaningful prayers like deborah can, but i do believe there is a God who has some reason for this. i do believe that.

love you moon sister. love you so much.

kj

kj said...

angelique, i hope you don't mind my leaving you a comment. your Mother is going to live strong within you for all of your life. she is going to whisper wise words,push you to play, tease you to laugh, make sure that you always choose love. because that is who she is and that is who you are.

i am as sure of this as anything i have ever known. you will never lose her angelique. it's not possible. love, kj

kj said...

camille, thanks for your sweet comment. that sister of yours tries to act innocent and disquises herself but we know better, right? don't you love that she thinks she is hiding her mystic senior angel ribbons? not to mention her soft flapping wings.

camille, can you tell how much all these folks who love renee have gotten back from her, from you and your family? the huge difference is mutual. anything needed, there is an army of us ready.

thanks again. please stop by anytime. i loved it

♥kj

Rick said...

Rainy-My mum died over twenty years ago after a long horrible illness. It's tough to see the one who gave you life lose hers and little in way of help. Take care~rick

Snowbrush said...

I'm glad the fentanyl eases your mother's feeling of suffocation. Most painkillers also suppress breathing, but if I were here, I would want the relief they provide. The one time I had anything close to a near death experience, I had a tad too much morphine, and came to think of breathing as optional. What a relief it was to no longer feel oppressed by the need to breath over and over and over, every minute of every day, year in and year out. I came away from that experience thinking that death might not be such a horrifying experience after all. May it be that way for your mother.

Jacky said...

Such a heartfelt post. How lucky you are to be spending this time with your mum. She must be so happy to be in such a loving family environment, rather than the hospital.
I was lucky enough to be able to be with my mum when she passed, I hope you are too...it was very peaceful.

Sending a warm hug.

Jacky

Caroline said...

Renee, I hope you will enjoy this precious time with your Mum - I know she will be surrounded by so much love. With hugs for you. Caroline x

Marion said...

You know, Renee, I thought that very same thing yesterday, that our mothers would have made great friends. Two strong and beautiful women, our mothers. Oh, the stories they could tell each other! (Mama calls her friends 'old ladies' but God forbid you should say the "O" word around her! LOL!) I know one day they'll meet in heaven. I only hope there's caffeine up there or Mama might be pissed off. Tee-Hee... I love you, dearest friend, and pray for you, your beloved Mom and Jacquie daily. Love & Blessings!!

Sniffles and Smiles said...

XOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXOXO...and then some ;-)

julie mitchell said...

Renee,
You honor and humble me....Your mom must be very special indeed to have raised a daughter with such a loving heart...Reading all the messages here makes me even prouder to be a woman...our desire to gather around and support our sisters in difficult times is truly what saves the world....spreading love. I will never meet you Renee, but never-the-less you are teaching me a lot about grace.
hug, hug and much light...julie

Tessa said...

I reach out once again across the miles to give you all my love and to hand you bouquets of strength and hope with a sprinkling of angel dust. Truly, every night that I can see the stars, I reach up and make a wish for you, for your Mama, for your family.

I ask your forgiveness for all my irregular comings and goings - there are many reasons but they are so very, very unimportant in the grand scheme of things. Just know I love you, Renee.

Anonymous said...

Mothers and daughters, such an intergrate bond, Renee Love. So glad your bond was one of love and respect. From your posts, your mamma was some special to make each of her childern think that they were the most favorite (although you know you were. lol)
We just have to make the most of the time we have. sending you some love today.

Loving you
DPG

Catherine said...

Sweet Renee,

so sorry to hear about your mom's illness. She sounds like an incredible woman and that she has always been surrounded by lots of love. That is a truly wonderful thing. Praying for you, mom, Jacquie and all your family.

Love, Catherine

Holly said...

death, death, death...i am sick to death of death itself...go away from us all..go far, far away....

my mom moved in with me a week before Thanksgiving (she's from Massachusetts and i live in Los Angeles) and is now on hospice....COPD and metastatic lung cancer...all diagnosed 12 short weeks ago....

i send you my loving and knowing heart....

vintage moon studio said...

I have lived this kind of pain recently... sending peace to your Mom. xox Deb

KarenHarveyCox said...

I was just passing by the blogs I follow and I stopped to say I am so sorry. It is always so hard when you face the death of your mom. It sounds like you are all very blessed to love each other so much. My prayers are for you tonight.
Karen

CarolineH said...

I'm so so very sorry to hear this about Daisy. She's always been such a strong woman. Oh my..the stories that Henri would tell. Even though it was in type, I could sense him beaming with pride when he'd talk about Daisy. He always said she was the strong arm of the family. The pillar that held it up. I felt like I knew her, and you know Renee, I so love that woman. She took me into the family arms when Henri was taken back to heaven, and I could feel her love. Please tell her that I said thank you for showing such strength and love. Thank you for making me part of the most beautiful family that I've even known. I love you, Daisy, and will be thinking and praying.
Love you, my precious Renee, and family. <3

Caroline

Angie Muresan said...

Love you dear Renee, and I can't believe that you have to go through this too.

Julie-ann Bowden said...

I am crying, my dearest Renee and you are such a beautiful family.
You are so very right, she is one fabulous lady and I for one, it as been a total pleasure to become precious friends with. If everyone in the word were like Renee, there wouldn't be anything wrong.
Renee, you are the BIGGEST, HUGEST, STAR, EVER! I LOVE YOU!
Bless you all, as you are a truly wouldn't people all of you!

HUGS AND KISSES!

Julie

Julie-ann Bowden said...

I am crying, my dearest Renee and you are such a beautiful family.
You are so very right, she is one fabulous lady and I for one, it as been a total pleasure to become precious friends with. If everyone in the word were like Renee, there wouldn't be anything wrong.
Renee, you are the BIGGEST, HUGEST, STAR, EVER! I LOVE YOU!
Bless you all, as you are a truly WONDERFUL people all of you!

HUGS AND KISSES!

Julie

Julie-ann Bowden said...

Loads of love to your mum, Renee.
Bless you all!

Loads of love!

Julie

Cat said...

My mother has COPD and won't stop smoking...

Rob-bear said...

Having lost both of my parents. I have (perhaps) so idea of what is happening in your life. So sad to hear the way this is going.

Great that Shelly is willing and able to take on this kind of care for your Mom. I hope the process goes well. Still a heartache, though, for all of you.

Hugs from "next door."

(If I could see better, I'd write more often. Surgery on my second eye is in a month.)

Bridgett said...

As do I...

I'm very sorry about your mother, but it sounds like she'll leave this world in such a beautiful way...surrounded by people who lover her. That's how it should be.

Love & Light,
Boo

Momo Luna said...

Just a big hug, and prayers and strength for all of you. ♥

Daria said...

Oh Renee ... thinking of you.

CarolineH said...

I love you too, my sweet sweet sister of the heart. I'm fine, just bruised but never broken. I often wonder why the most wonderful people are taken away so quickly..I'll never get used to having to say goodbye to those that I have grown to love, you know?

On a brighter note, I keep in constant contact with John, (The one Henri always talked with on the computer) and if things go as planned, I'll be going up to meet him sometime this summer. :) We're such good close friends, and I feel very safe and comfortable with the idea of going for a visit to his home in Toronto. I'm sure that when we meet, we'll have our share of smiles and tears of sorrow for Henri and Momma Daisy and you and Jacquie and Sheldon.. and the events that have been so heartbreaking over the past year. Good memories too though.
Love you and always will my sweet Renee.
Caroline

Dean Grey said...

Where would we be without our mothers, Renee!

-Dean