Hard times, hard times!
Imagine being a loving daughter who sees your Mom almost every day or at the minimum five out of seven days. And then you are dependent on Transit rides for your wheelchair to get you to and from the hospital so you can see your Mom.
Imagine being a loving daughter who wants to get that same Transit ride to the hospital everyday but you are on chemo that is making you terribly sick and are on pills that make your anxiety go through the roof. And then you are lucky if you get to see your Mom once every few weeks.
Imagine if that is the best mother in the world and she is dying and you can’t get to see her. Imagine that you felt the same way when your 25 year old son was a few floors below you at the same hospital you were in and you couldn’t get down to see him; not because of the Transit but because you were getting chemo and radiation and were sick as a dog and when you felt slightly better which you did everyday and went to see your boy it took everything to be able to get there and then you suffered for hours both physically; but mostly mentally.
Hard times, hard times!
Imagine that it is not easy for our darling Jacquie.
Jacquie whom when she gets to heaven God will say ‘well done,’ is not being well done too.
Jacquie feels like a lot of things are getting away from her and she is being left in the dust. Many of us with cancer feel this way especially when we are feeling super ill to boot. And just so you know it always feels especially personal.
Together strong Jacquie.
95 comments:
Jacguie My love to you also! How much of a warrior of love you are. The awefulness you are going through, like you are all soul mates above your love for your family.
Renee, I hope the painting comes soon, it is still in France. I will be phoning them up tomorrow iff it is still there. Needs to get on a plane or something to shift its butt, lol!
Maybe France is snowed under?
I am just hoping all those proffessional pocekts I placed on so nicely and the grumpy van guy had us both taking the papers out didn't cause problems for it shifting form place to place?
We will keep our fingers crossed and hopefully the painting will arrived to your home in time for you to show your mum.
Loads of love to you and your family!
Hugs!
Julie
I can't imagine. This level of suffering ... of grief ... of pain?? No, I can't imagine.
Hard times indeed Renee, and not just for Jacquie although I do totally understand why you've highlighted her particular plight in all this.
I've sat here trying to find some words ... of what??? Comfort??? They fall away and all I am left with is heartache and prayers.
One thing I truly can understand is that it really does feel so fucking personal. In some ways I wish I could take God behind the bike shed and kick his/her head in for allowing the unallowable ... such pain and suffering. I wonder how faith can sit besides such feelings at times ... and yet it does.
I love you too Renee. xx Jos
That must be so hard for Jacqui - not to be with her mom; my heart bleeds for her. I hope they can at least exchange a few words on the phone.
I try to imagine Renee and it is awful. Poor por Jacqui and you and all of you. You really need together strong at the moment. Sending lots of love. Sarah xx
I can completely imagine.
big love to you
and it does suck to feel so sick and it's okay to know it sucks.
thinking of you all with love
Ribbon
I try to imagine ... and it is hard to imagine anything worse. Yet I do know that what I imagine pales beside the real thing. It just seems too cruel.
I send you what strength I have and love.
Bonnie
That is hard times for Jacquie... it sucks actually! It sucks for all of you!! I pray for you, Jacquie, your mom.... all your family. I know you are strong.... stronger than anyone I've ever known!!
You're in my heart Renee.
manon
xo
I wish I could fly to your side to help you, Jacquie and your precious Mom. It's just too much, too much. I love you and send you all my prayers. Wish I could do more. Blessings, dear, brave foot soldiers in a dirty, nasty war against cancer...May God ease your burdens today....
Reading these words tears my heart & hurts deeper than i want to go... If i were with you now i would hug you & hold your hand & give you the Butterfly i found on the side of the road today <3
Hey Renee...Love your new header! Its superb!
Dear Jacquie - I wish so much I could come over and help you to go visit your mom. You must be so frustrated, and on top of everything you feel so sick. You are truly a loving daughter, and you would be there for your Mom every minute if you could. Your Mom knows that, of course. But still, it isn't the same thing as you being able to go there and see her. I am praying that you feel better soon, so you can get a Transit ride to go see your mom. I am thinking of you every day. You and Renee, and your wonderful ma. Much love to you - xoxoxoxo Pam
My heart goes out to you all, dear one. This suffering is more than any family should have to bear. Your darling sister Jacquie has been handed such a horrific emotional and physical burden. I can't even begin to get my head around how you all must feel. It breaks my heart to think of it.
You and your family are always in my thoughts, my heart and my prayers.
Love and hugs,
xoxoxo
Angela
It is cruel beyond understanding. I have no words, just prayers. Something that might be of very small comfort, for I know it was when Ryan was in Iraq, was a web cam. Just seeing his face while we typed to eachother helped my heart. All of my love to you and Jacquie. Love, Deb
I wish I had something to add,to ease even just a little bit.I cannot imagine,..maybe because I know it will not come close to the real thing.
Your words are always with me,teaching me to understand.You are in my heart.Love,Cat
I cannot begin to imagine.
But I feel deeply reading your words. Listening to the pain, and hope, compassion, and love.
I wish for perfect joy. In an imperfect world. I want to imagine that for you.
Oh Renee..oh Jacquie..oh my tears fall for you they do...I can't imagine..I just can't..I want to ..but what you all have been through this year is beyond me. I feel overwhelmed when I think on it..it only serves to make me realize how deeply painful it must be for you all!!
I said to Jim the other day.."I don't think the concept of, God only gives you what you can handle, applies here. You and your families strength amazes me..it also makes me so very angry..I am a loss as to where to direct it.
Somehow..some way..my wish this week will be that you both are offered ways to feel well enough to see your Mama! Love you Renee.
I am sending downy hugs to you..would you please pass on one to your sister for me?
Love you hon, Sarah
I can not even begin to imagine the depth of Jacquie's helplessness and frustration. My prayers are with her.
Not painting right now, but I'm gathering supplies and inspiration for when I have time again in a few days.
About your angel, and Jacquie's, too. When I was painting them, I started painting in a completely new style for me. Especially the wings. I really don't know where the technique came from. When the wings were done, they seemed to have have depth and movement. I don't know if I can do that again, but I want to try. It felt sooo good when I was painting them for you!
I know a multitude of angels are hovering around you and your family, dear one.
Are your bats behaving? I do hope so.
xoxoxoxoxoxxoxo
Angela
What a limbo state to be in.
Renee, could someone do a little video of things Jaquie would like to say to your mom from her bed?
Find a sliver of a moment when jacquie feels well enough to convey her love to your mom and get it on tape...or an iphone? I'm not an electronic gadget type, but I know you must have someone in the family who can do this. Maybe it would be the next best thing for your mom if she can't see Jacquie in the flesh.
Perhaps the comfort Jacquie could get from this is when you all tell her how happy your mom was to get the message, no matter the medium.
Just a thought Raven Sister.
meanwhile, hugging and praying like hell from here.
I love you.
xoxoxo
Laurel
Yes I can imagine !!!
I was with my wonderful sister Jacuie last night, and it just breaks my heart to see you in such despair, she is so worried about you (Lover)and mom as we all are.Hopefully she will get to see mom today.
You and Jacquie are such amazing and wonderful sisters, and it breaks my heart to see you both suffering so much.
I keep praying for miracles for you all and for you not to be in any pain. I love you both so much xoxo
How wonderful the four of you will have some time together.
That, my dear, has made my day!
xoxoxo
Renee,
I can't even imagine how hard it must be for Jacquie. And how hard it must be for you. It makes me wish I lived closer to you both, so I could help in any way possible. My heart goes out to you, and I'm visualizing love and comfort for you, your mom, and Jacquie.
xxoo
I cannot even imagine! Love and prayers to all of you!
I was just thinking yesterday, why these things happen to wonderful people and I get so angry at the dude I could spit, but in my heart I know that I will never know the reasons for things and simply must trust. Easier said than done. Sending love to you and Jacquie and to your mom and whole family. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
My heart just aches for Jacquie, for you, for your sweet mother and for all your precious family!
I just wish there was something we could do to help.
I wish I could lessen the burdens, the pain, the heartaches..but I can't. What I CAN do is keep you all in my thoughts and prayers and you can consider that done! For sure!
Love,
Darla
i am so sorry, renee. it seems only fair that you should be able to wake up and realize this was just a bad dream. i don't understand why these things are the way they are, and i hope the man in charge fixes it right now. much love and the most immense, magic-filled hugs i've ever made, to both you and jacqui...
Dear Renee, thank you for sharing the reality with us. We can pray for specific things when you tell us how it is.
I am praying that Jacquie's spirits (& yours) will receive extra encouragement in this horrifically difficult time.
I pray that the right combination of drugs and care will make the treatment less debilitating for both of you.
I pray that comfortable transportation will be provided for both of you, so you will be able to see your wonderful mother as often as you like, to share in the comfort of being together.
I'm sending LOVE to surround and infuse all of you. "Together strong" is right.
I wish I had a funny quip to brighten your day renee. Or a magic potion. Or a zillion dollars to build a conveyor belt to schlep you over to your mommy. Sending you love and hope instead. xox susie
Your hurt is so good and sweet!!! =)
Just imagining is breaking my heart Renee, so living through it is beyond my ability to fully grasp. Of course it feels personal - It's Jacquie living it, breathing it, hearing about Mom rather than seeing touching and being with Mom the way she wants to. Would it be possible to have your mom near a computer, and Jacquie near a computer, and set them up so that they can see and visit with each other that way? Skyping, or something like that? No, it's not the same, but to look into the other's eyes might help make them both smile.
Being witness to what both your mom and sister are going through is equally difficult, and I'm sure hits you - personally. I imagine you all, together hand in hand, energies linked where bodies can not.
My love, to you,
Karin
x
My dear Renee, Jeesh...you're really having a time of it gal, aren't you?
I'm a firm believer that when eveything seem to go down the toilet all at once, then what's on the other side can only be something more wonderful. (And I don't mean the sewer, dear. I mean the ocean!
You'll see. Soon you'll be swimming in the glorious ocean again.
Big hug.
I can't imagine the pain and agony Jacquie, you and your mother are feeling. Our hearts are strung together with the ones we love, but not being able to see each other in these crucial moments has to make you all feel so alone and apart.
Thinking of you all today.
xoxo
"Try to imagine"..... I'm sorry Renee, but I just can't. The suffering and pain that your family is going through and particularly Jacqui at this moment is beyond anything I can imagine.
I try and I hurt for you, I cry for you, but I can not wrap my head around this. I am selfish, it really is too much to imagine.
All I can do is send some love your way and hope that somewhere out there this day will have at least one bright spot for you, Jacqui, your mom and your family.
xxooooxx
You've all had to become warriors...too many battles to fight. Wish I could help. Perhaps,mentally it helps to know we are all wishing, hoping, and praying for you guys, but it seems so little and it's frustrating as hell to not be able to help. I can only imagine that it's far worse than that for your family. Helplessness...love you, dear Renee and Jacquie.
Renee, I think "Lolo's" idea is terrific! There must be a way to get a message from Jacquie to your Mum....either a video or a recording.... it would mean so much to all of you!
Stay strong, dear "Warrior Angel"!
Your family needs you - as do all of your many friends - worldwide.
Love,
Robin
So are you going to let the next door neighbors know, or shall I just surprise them? :) Love you. You are the bravest people I have ever known. xoxoxo Pam
What Jacquie is going through, what you all are going through, is sheer hell. Just imagining it is enough to make me want to curl up and weep. So I marvel at your strength and will and the love that keeps you holding on. You all deserve far more than a "well done."
xoxo
I have tried many times to put myself into your shoes and your sister's shoes, and cannot. It is an unimaginable sadness and I only know I grieve for you both. My love to you, Jacquie and your mother.
Oh, Jacquie, so much pain and suffering and then not being able to be with your mom who has always brought you comfort! My heart aches for you and I send you all my love!! And still, Renee, I can feel the closeness of your family, the bonds of love which cannot be broken by any circumstance, a love so strong it is unshakable! You are an amazing family!! All my love to you all and your sweet mom as she makes her transition! Love, Silke
my eyes are ful, my heart is full, my thoughts are full- of you and jacquie, and your beloved mom. is there anything i can do or send you, please just say the word.
No Renee I can't imagine. I can't imagine any family having to go through everything that you and your family has gone through. And continues to go through. I love you Renee.....
(((HUGS)))
I'd be a liar if I tried to claim I wanted to walk in your shoes - what I wish with all my heart is that you did not have to walk in them.
I don't know you or your family, other than through your blog, but I sit here trying to send strength, love and good thoughts to all of you.
Renee, I have a vivid imagination, I've been through tough times, I'm not happy soul all the time but even this is just too difficult to imagine. I feel so much empathy for all of you. How you keep your faith is stunning to me. If there was a God, I'd want to punch his lights out!
My prayers and thoughts are with you all. Always in my mind x
Poor Jacquie, please tell her when you can that we are thinking of her and your dear Mom. I think of you every day, several times a day as most of us 'here' probably do. Life's a shit for some people and it always seems to be the best who suffer. I don't understand any of it. Love you Renee, I wish I could come and drive you about and help. I need a Leprechaun to grant me a wish or three.
xxxxxx
I am no teckie but that's what came to mind: skype, webcams, tape recorders, adapted telephones.
And a good supply of cards.
Darling friend, deb said it just right: prayers not words.
Everytime you share and there is such an outpouring of love, offers, gestures--I know we are together learning something so magnificent about the human spirit.
Together strong--unbreakable
ps jacquie: tsup & mwah!
Jeez!! Now we're commenting at the same time!
It must be love....
♥
I know how ill my grandmother is, and I am so far away. But I feel the bond between us and it calms me. I know she feels it to. We have nothing unsaid, unfelt. Our understanding is complete and continuous, no matter the distance. With so much love Jacquie and your mother have this bond, even when they cannot be in teh same room.
The unicorn trapped within the circle of the barrier says it all. Your words so eloquently spoke of your pain and my heart goes out to you my friend.
Dear Friend,
Prayers to surround you, prayers to surround Jacquie and your families. Wish I lived closer and might help you!
Big Love,
Constance
The reality of the situation is unbearable - I love her so much, I love you so much and I love mom so much...xoxo
I cannot even start to imagine. There are no words. Sending my love and prayers for all of you.
Oh Renee this just touches my heart.
And turns it inside out...
I feel for all of you and I know it must be torture for Jacquie...Being in the condition she is in...
And you my darling Renee... all the pain and emotion that is running through you...
I hope your mom is comfortable. Is she?
I can't imagine ...
I love you dear one
Renee- what bag can hold this much burden? what seam would not burst. So helpless. Sorry. ~rick
Awww
Dear Jacquie....I will never be able to say I know you felt, or just prayers could help. But know your mother knows you love her, as son knew, Renee knows, they all know. I see you telling someone in your shoes the same thing, they all know you love them and you wish you could be there full force to carry the load.
All Im going to do is have Renee kiss you on the forehead, thank you again for my Hero Sheldons Strength, repeat to stay strong, and be there for them when they come to you as they will...we always go back to the strong one in someone's life.
Love you Lovey xoxoxoxoxoxo
I ask God why??? It's all sooooo overwhelming indeed! Lost for words, but not love! I LOVE YOU! I know it don't fix a damn thing, but I love you. I wish I were near so that could love on all of you. These are hard times. No one has a clue. I am praying for all of you! Jacguie, You and your family. I send you a great many hugs Renee!
I am always here for all of you...xoxoxoxoox Kind messages are always easy for you and your family, they come from the heart
xoxoxox
You are in my prayers dear Jacquie. Oh my heart breaks that this all I can offer. Every happiness and peace.
All my love,
Simone.
Renee,
How much suffering can one family take? I think about often and hope things are improving for you and your family. I am so sorry about your Mom and send my love to your sister.
I did get my Mom in for biopsies of the two suspicious spots on her face and will have the results on Monday.
I am keeping my fingers crossed that she doesn't have the awful "C".
Sending lots of love and positive energy to you and yours,
xoxo
Yes, hard to imagine all these impossibilities piled up together. It's more than any one can take, isn't it? How resilient you all have to be; how strong; how loving and forgiving.
My love and warmth to you and your sister and mother.
Renee that is fabulous news that Jacquie got to see mum!!!!!! Were you there too?
I love you and God I wish I could meet you and your family~
Love and sweet dreams~
Renee, I'm so sorry for you both. I was thinking if you both have laptops, maybe you could get Jacqui and her mom to Skype. I do it with my grandson who lives so far away and it works fabulously. The software is a free download and so are the calls. Then, they could see each other anytime they wished. Real time, video conferencing. Think about it. Even if you borrowed a laptop for your mom and Jacqui used her home computer....Love and big hugs to you both.
Renee, I can't imagine all your family is going through. It makes me angry and question why and how much can you handle? I also admire your familys strength and apparent love for one another. Love and prayers to all of you.
Renee, SO happy to hear that!
Bright spot, indeed! I hope they have a wonderful visit.
Bless you, bless Camille and Jacqui and your mom.
xxoo
i would like to first let you all know that i went to see my mom today.
she was like eye candy that filled up the depth of my heart and soul.
i next want to thank you all for your heartfelt love and strength sent my way.
you have all been an intrical part in lifting up my spirit and for that i am truly thankful.
love from jacquie.
Hey sweet lady, I FINALLY settled on a fantastic frame for Tessa's artwork that you both gave me. Special order, mind you!
Once I have the print framed and mounted, I shall take a pix of it and blog the beauty of it! I can't WAIT 'till I get the frame - custom ordered!
Big hug,
Corey
When I think of all the pain and injustice in the world, I tremble with anger. Hugs to you sweet Renee. God be with you and all those you love.
Hard times is such an understatement Renee.
Reading these posts really puts my life in perspective.
I know why I am living this blessed life. I am here to send my love and light around the universe as I have such an abundance of it.
You and Jacquie we always be receiving my love and light as long as you need.
Big hugs
Peggy xxxx
Just remember that God is good and all will be revealed sooner or later. Your mother is dieing, as she gets closer to the doorway, her understanding expands into another realm. Mothers are mothers first and formost, making life easier for their children is second nature. She loves to see you but she also needs the freedom to pass onward and with your living, needful presences, she cannot go. Plase make it easy for her and allow her the freedom to go.
If i had a magic wand, but i dont...
ill light a candle and sending my prayers to you Renee & your family..
A'isha & Cimo
xxoo <3<3
I can't imagine when my mom is no more...who's gonna do all the chores?? The whole family will fall without her..i can feel the sadness in you, Renee...But you should let Her go...
Honestly?
Well, it is 1.15am, I have just managed to swallow a sleeper. I tried without nut no luck at all, just a mounting panic attack and chest pains.
The sky is incredibly clear outside and the stars jump out like diamonds.
Odd that I, who have happily had my suitcase of memories packed for years and been happy to be going home, am now succumbing to panic attacks. I', pretty susr I'm in heart failure yet again. Am seeing the quack on the 25th.
Hey ho, that is the latest report from your roving reporter.
PS the Prof is having kittens again which does not make things easier at all.
Yhe good news is we had a reasonably close call with a bushfire the other day and the grandchildren wert into action like drill seargents, shifting cattle and sheep around into bare paddocks, ditto horses. The competence was really mpressive.
If I drag myself around, I get nauseous from the exercion but that is something you have great experience with...
We won't be meeting on this earth any tme soon but we certainly will be hugging over yonder.
Just keep loving.....
((((((Jacquie)))))))
jacquie, would you be willing to adopt me? well i am older than you but i would be a loyal family member and i will tell you good jokes.
arija, prayers from new england remain above you. your wisdom and passion do not go unnoticed even by those you do not know.
I really don't know how AJ has been surviving with such grace and care and love for everyone else. When I think of her, my heart swells but I am also just choked with grief. I truly can't imagine her situation. I get panicky thinking about it and I keep waiting for her to get better and be walking around.
AJ, you are so remarkable and amazing.
wheelchair, cancer, chemo, are horrible things that i see on a daily basis now...but those things will NEVER define my mom. jacqueline, your the best mother anyone has ever had...with or without your mobility, and with or without your brain tumour. i love every minute we spend together, and i love you more than you know!!!!
Yes Ben, they will NEVER define your Mom.
She is the best mother in the world and to me she is the best sister in the world.
Love Auntie Renee xoxo
Oh my....
xoxoxoxo
I can't imagine. but i hope to god that by your sharing just a bit of it here renee, an even smaller bit is lifted from your dear dear heart. bless jacquie, bless your mom, bless you.
Ben, Angelique, anonymous su=ister, Jacquie and Renee...
Honestly I have never seen more love in one family ever. Really shows as we get older a family can stay intact no matter what. Yall are inspiring to say the least.
Renee your Mom is probably the proudest our family more than ever. Because all of you were conceived with a heavenly soul...every last one of you...
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxooxoxoxxoxoxoox
Love you ALL
Dear Renee and Jacquie,
Blessings and strength, to all your family and to your dear Mother, lots of love and hugs to you.
I pray for a miracle.
Hugs
Carolyn
Dear Jacquie, I don't know what to say. Dearest you've had more to bear than anyone should have to. How I wish I could be there (now I'm off on a flight of fancy)...healthy and strong...with a HUGE bus...all fitted out and ready to transport you to see your dear Mum. Of course this would be a magic bus...once you were inside there'd be no pain and feeling ill. And we'd have to pick Renee up as well - somebody would have to get the cocktails from the minibar. We'd laugh and sing the whole way......and your Mum...well we'd get the hospital to have her waiting out the front and we'd slow that bus down just long enough to get her inside...
Jacquie, do only what you can do. Your heart shows itself worlds away. I'm sure your mother sees it there as it preceeds you.
much love to you and your family,
erin
xo
Dearest, sweet Renee,
hard times is an understatement i think. I cannot imagine this kind of pain but it must be horrible. But thank goodness you're a strong, caring family with lots of love. That doesn't make it less hard tough. Take care dear, i wish you all strength, my thoughts are with you, Jacqui and your mother and i'm sending you lots of (virtual) love.
I love you Renee, you and your big, empathic, good heart. That even in hard times sends this light of love to the world. xoxo
Together with Jacquie.
It is always personal and universal, isn't it. intensely.
My prayers and love to Jacquie.
Oh sweet Renee...I am sending you love...love to reside in the spaces between breaths...big, full, healing love from a stranger...to you and your family in these hard times on top of hard times on top of hard times I imagine. I can see waves of love like the ripples of water in a pond...a tear (mine) drops in the water and the ripples of love flow out to you and all of your beloveds...
gentle steps
All very cruel and so hard to fathom. I haven't blogged in ages and am just now catching up (sorry for that) and had to come see you, Renee. I get strength in my world simply by witnessing yours here in your writing and that of your family.
Truly you inspire and my prayers are with you all.
And, I just love the Angel/Goddess series. I love myths and stories and the artwork...and the learning of something new each visit.
Blessings and love~xo
Calli
The first time I read this I was weeping like a baby. The second time I read it, it was out loud to my wife and I was still sobbing and holding back tears.
Sometimes I don't know what is worse, the pain or the mental anguish that people go through. The heartache can sometimes be just as bad.
My heart aches for you Renee. And while I know you aren't posting for this kind of reaction, but more for relief of the weight you must feel, I can so feel the grief. I am praying for your family and for some kind of peace. And I am praying for those times when the pain is unbearable and the heart is heavy.
♥ Beaux
Oh my goodness, I had no idea. Jacquie, I am sending love out to you through Ellen's blog and because of her incredible compassion in writing this post.
Oh, Renee and Jacquie, I cannot find words to say how I feel. Your love for each other and family is so incredibly strong. Love and Hugs to you both during this difficult time. Love, Barb
Renee!
Hard times indeed!
But from the sound of it, you and your family are handling this difficult time with dignity, grace, and love!!
-Dean
Sweet Jacquie and Renee...always praying for you...always diligant. God Bless you both. xx
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