Tuesday, 5 January 2010

What Kinda Bone

On December 1, 2009 I had the gastroscopy where Dr. Doerksen assumed that there were cancerous tumors in my stomach. Until pathology came back they would not know for sure. On December 16th I called him to find out what was going on as I just couldn’t stand the bat problem. He explained that pathology was having some issues but ‘Yes, in fact there is cancer in the stomach.’

Over the past two weeks I have had more CT scans, bone scans, and blood tests.

Wahid and I were talking yesterday morning before we went to see Dr. Grenier and I was saying how I just felt totally Zen. I just felt whatever is, is; and like he always says we will just deal with it and go through the process.

I have been asking myself the last few nights if it is worse because now another nail has been added to the coffin or if it was worse when I heard almost four years ago. Of course, really none of it is good, but it is better for me now then four years ago. Not the cancer situation of course, but just the realization of this is your life and you have to make the most of it.

On New Years Eve Paula called and asked to move up my appointment on the 4th to 9 a.m. but also wanted to let me know that they still did not have the pathology report done, but that pathology had promised it to her by the end of the day.

Yesterday morning when Wahid and I went to see Dr. Grenier I was seriously expecting to hear her say there was nothing they could do. That wasn’t the case and so that is a good thing.

I received pieces of bone this time: a chip here; a larger piece there; one with marrow; one they didn’t recognize; and one dry and brittle.

Because it is almost unheard of for breast cancer or Inflammatory Breast Cancer to go to the stomach they have got to redo all of the pathology samples and compare them to the original tissue samples that were taken four years ago.

The question on the report is they do not know if the cancer cells are breast cancer cells or stomach cancer cells or even a totally new cancer that has spread from somewhere else. Is this a new cancer originating in the stomach or from another secondary source?

Funny thing, not har har funny, this is all coming from a family with absolutely no history of cancer.

No treatment can be done as yet and will take minimally three weeks to find out what type of cancer it is. Dr. Grenier believes that because I have Stage 4 cancer it is probably 70% chance that it is IBC but there is a 30% chance that it isn’t. Of course they would be treated completely differently so there is nothing we can do now. On the other hand, she hates to wait because in IBC it is just days to weeks to months that things escalate.

In the meantime I will have to keep batting off the bats and choking down the food.

It is not in my liver and so I am thankful for small mercies.

Push on with all your determination, and
just when you feel defeated and blocked,
throw yourself into the gaping abyss before you –
into the ever-burning flame of your own nature.
All illusionary thoughts, feelings, and perceptions
will die with your Me, and your Self-nature will appear.
You will feel resurrected, truly healthy, and filled with joy and peace.

~~ Bassui Tokusho ~~

*artwork by Philip Bishop


Ribbon said...

I'm lost for words Renee except to say I truely love you.

thinking of you often and always with love
Ribbon xx

Kathleen said...

I've really picked up on the zen quality of your posts, dearest Renie, and it has had a very powerful effect on me. Soothing. Beautiful. Real. So, first, thank you for that.

Second, damn. The waiting, the unknown. Damn.

I hold your hand from afar. I send you love. I send you gratitude for sharing your truth.

How can I help?

RNSANE said...

It is hard to know what to say. I feel like screaming to the heavens. I hate this for you and I want only for you to be well, free of all cancer. If only you could, at least, swallow food comfortably and not have to suffer so much.

Love and prayers, dear Renee.

Lori ann said...

"Wisdom of the Elders"
(Oraibi, Arizona Hopi Nation)

There is a river flowing now very fast.
It is so great and swift, that there are those who will be afraid.
They will try to hold onto the shore.
They will feel they are being torn apart and will suffer greatly.
Know the river has its destination.
The elders say we must let go of the shore,
push off into the middle of the river,
keep our eyes open,
and our heads above the water.

we are with you renee. i am with you. you are not alone. you are not alone.
i love you.

Marie said...

As ever you are in my prayers, and heart. xxoo

Delwyn said...

Hi Renee
I am thinking of you,your strength and courage. I will always look up to you as a tower of loving , patient and humour filled power.A real angel!

Happy days

isay (Marissa) said...

you have chosen a very nice poem :) It is snowing here and very cold....we have long winter over here. i thought about you just now, how i wish i can share some beautiful pictures with you but the skies ´ gray right now i hope i can later. sometimes the sun comes out for some hours and that's heaven for me and i tend to go out. i also tried warming up my voice for two days now and then i sing " today while the blossom still cling to the vine..." know that song? i like that song because it is easy to sing :) whatever, just want to share with you a little because i really appreciate your sharing.... thanks Renee

Jackie said...

First I want to say , I love the angel pic of your family.Julie- ann did an amazing job.
Your post always leave me not knowing what to say.It is as if we are living your story with you and then to also know about Jaquie and Sheldon and the women with who you share your support group.I am glad cancer has not spread to your liver and I always wish for you comfort and peace. You have touched many of us and your ability to tell your story gives us a glimpse inside your life and others who live with cancer.
You are in my thoughts as always and so are the others who I wouldn't have known without you.
Much Love,

Baino said...

Hope against hope Renee. I rub the tummy of that little reindeer in her rowing boat on your Christmas card, every day just in case. I simply can't believe your family's bad luck. I hope it's bats, big ugly fruit bats that you can just tempt out of there with sticky figs. I'm behind on my weekly missive . . coming up!

Anonymous said...

Oh Renee, I am so heart broken. Just when you have your breast cancer to deal with. Hope for the 30%! You are such a warrior! Not through your choice.

I am wrapping you're painting up today.
Hannah had a lump taken out on the top of her ribs yesterday. Local anesthetic. Think it is just a cyst. Caused from her banging her ribs last year, falling on a small wall.

It is snowing a lot here today.
We opened the door ready to go to school and was shocked, the snow was coming thick and quiet and a couple of inches already. We waited for the bus for a long while and decided to walk to school. Got half way and met my cousin Teresa, who said the schools are shutting. So we came back home. Best of it is, we went to school yesterday and it wasn't the day for going back. Had to come home yesterday before all of us going to town to be with Hannah. Hannah had plenty of support which was great. Well, we keep trying to get there,lol!

Is it snowing where you live?

Hannah goes to Bulgaria in 12 days and her dad has just told her that the snow hasn't fallen there yet. Now this is a new one! She will have to snow board here,lol! When she is healed better.

Beautiful Renee, I hope so much you get the better news of your options. That the hospital can keep you going for a long,long time with feeling the best too.
It is good news that it isn't in your liver.

Swopping news again.
I think I may take you're painting to the post office when I can as I cannot see a courier getting through easily, we are apparently due for 10 inches of snow and 1 inch puts us at stand still sometimes, arn't we big drips,lol!

There maybe a little delay.



Micki said...

Oh Renee it must be just awful waiting and not knowing!
As always my thoughts are with you and your family.
Micki x

Mundo Mundaca said...

There is a long time that I didn't pass for here and I feel a lot of knowing of that announces like this.. really you are the strongest and illuminated person that I know.. that God conserves you like this with that serenity and wisdom... I will pray for you!
Big Hugz!

Jos said...

It is what it is. But I so wish it weren't, and I will not stop praying regardless of the news Renee. I'm sending you my gentlest and warmest hugs. I hope the bats ease off soon. Now would be good Lord. xx Jos

Vicki Holdwick said...

Hi Renee,

I was so hoping the tests would come back negative for cancer in the stomach. You have had enough to deal with and now this. I am so impressed with your strength and acceptance. You are blessed to have Wahid and he is a rock for you, isn't he?

Thinking of you many times throughout my day and sending lots of positive energy your way.

May the bats find a new residence and leave you alone,


Mim said...

I want to use the f word...I really do

Jos said...

Real time? ... he he ... actually it is (just) still morning here too. Sweet dreams dear heart, I hope you can sleep this time. 3rd time lucky n'all that. More hugs. xx Jos

Izzy said...

much love and positive thoughts i'm sending your way... hugs.

secret agent woman said...

The waiting must be agony. I don't know how you maintain that Zen approach, but I am in awe. And sometimes I feel like I hold you in my heart any tighter, you won't be able to breathe. But I don't know what else to do.

Bonnie, Original Art Studio said...

Your attitude is an inspiration and example for us all dear Renee.
We must, as you are, be grateful for small mercies - and the news could have been much worse and from what you say there are ways to treat this once they identify exactly what it is. That is good news.

In the meantime, may you be free from suffering and bask in the love being sent to you from all corners of the globe.

Ces said...

Good morning dearest Renee,

I am going to be frank, not Frank the man, but frank as up front.

I am now selfish when it comes to you. I am glad that you my Renee are blogging, that you are sharing, that you are there with news good or bad no matter what. I want it to keep on going on. When I don't hear from you, I worry. My mind races in all directions.

I read your journey and what you go through and I sometimes don't know how to react. Sometimes I am brokenhearted, sometimes I panic, sometimes I feel sorrowful. Other times I feel very hopeful. I am pragmatic about these things because of my profession but I tell you my heart crumbles with your every twist and turn.

Okay, I don't know what to say anymore. Maybe I need coffee, it's too early, early because I don't have to go to work. I will paint today. Do you care? Hahahah! I hope you do.

Darn it! Love is not enough! We keep on hearing that Love is all we need - NOT! It helps but love, is helpless and sometimes useless. What we need is a DNA altering chemical that treats cancer cells without destroying the healthy ones. I pray for the chemists and the medical researchers. What we need is to prevent cancer. I hate cancer. It's taking away so many of the people I love. It's like a stupid game where Cancer pulls a petal and says "one for me, one for you" and my goal is to do everything to take back the one Cancer got. I am rambling, I don't make sense anymore.

I can't do anything to help you, I just hate it. I can't even render care. All I can do is tell you that I love you, it must account for something, it must at least destroy a cancer cell, even just one, why won't it?

I will pray.

kj said...

my god, renee, lori's quote is one i have kept to myself for years and always think of when i am lost. i share it with very few people,only special people. my dearest friend willa first gave it to me.

and here it appears, written to a woman i love so much by a woman i also adore. that is a SIGN.

we will get through this together, moon sister. you will never be alone, here, your family, your god and godess, every breeze and raindrop.

and let us not forget the power of our collective prayers and worldwide energy. very very powerful. we are the miracle, renee.

i love you always.


Sonia ;) said...

"I just felt whatever is, is; and like he always says we will just deal with it and go through the process."- I know thats what becomes the reality. I stand beside you holding your hand. What is, is. But I will hold your hand through it all.

xoxoxox Love you Lovey- Kiss Jacquie on the forehead for me.

Ces said...

Oh Renee I meant to use Ivory Black, Opaque White and Paynes Grey today but for you I will take out the flaming cadmiums - red, orange and yellow. I shall do that today and think of you! You will paint with me today!

Marion said...

Early this morning I went outside and said a special meditation for you, Renee. A Star winked and blinked; I know the Powers-That-Shine heard my prayer.

You are the definition of bravery and courage to me. I think of you often...and will continue the early morning prayer.

I feel the peace in your posts...thank you for thinking of others during this period of waiting.

Arija said...

Renee, at any time in our life and in every eventuality, we can only take it a moment at a time and be grateful that we still have life no matter how hard it is.

Love, love, love, Arija

Angela Recada said...

My darling girl. I have no words. I wish I could scoop you up in my arms, stroke your hair, and make everything better just by holding you. Instead, I can just thank God it's not in your liver.

You are always in my thoughts and prayers and heart. I love you.

Hugs and love,

yoborobo said...

Renee - I love you very much. There are so many thoughts whirling around in my head right now. I am going to get a net and catch a few, but for now, will you forgive me if all I can say is that I love you, my dear friend? xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox pam

LDWatkins said...

I, too, repeat Lori's quote. You are not alone, even though you feel you are. Miracles do happen.We love you and pray for you. God Bless. Lynda

Manon Doyle said...

Renee.... I love you sisterfriend. I so wish this wasn't happening to you but it is. I just can't imagine all that you've had to deal with..... you are a strong woman. You keep pushing through ready to tackle any obstacle in your way. You inspire with your bravery and spirit!! I will never stop praying for you!!
p.s. sorry about the sleep Renee.... that sucks!

Artistic Accents by Darla said...

Renee, you are so adored, cherished and admired!!!
You mentioned meeting in GF, I'd gladly drive to Winnipeg just to meet you, sweetheart!
Would I need a passport now to come there?
Anyway, it's so hard to know what to say but I'm hoping telling you how much you are loved is helping in some small way. You truly are!!
Love, Darla
ps...did the little package EVER arrive? I mailed it 12/18?

Annie said...

I am going to say it again: FUCK.
I hope they find the answer soon, so they can begin treating it and kill those bats. I am happy you are being zen, it is a good way to be and it happens to me once in a while too. I love you. XOXOXOXO
P.S. I believe in miracles.

Great-Granny Grandma said...

Renee, your courage and attitude are truly amazing. You are amazing. I don't know what to say except that you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I wish there were something I could do, anything, to at least make those bats go away.

P.S. Do you and Jacquie live in the same area? You mentioned that there is no history of cancer in your family, and yet three of you have been afflicted with this horribles disease.

Not that it helps you in any way, but I'm remembering an article I read in a magazine a long while back that said something about certain areas having a very high percentage, and I was wondering if you might be in one of those pockets.

studio lolo said...

Damn bats.

I just had a thought. I wonder if your blogging about the journey you're on has helped keep the cancer at bay a bit. I know all of our prayers have helped, I really do. But purging has probably made you stronger too.

I'm of a mind to think these bats just took a wrong turn somewhere and landed at your door temporarily.
I'm quite sure they meant to take a left and go to Quebec.

I love you.

deb said...

I will pray for my five children , my husband and family even more
And for you.
We get our days as gifts, I suppose.
And you share yours.

Noreen said...

So sorry Renee. That unknown place is not a comfortable place to be. My prayers continue to be with you.

Marion said...

Renee, my strong and beautiful friend, I'm still praying and believing God for a miracle. I have seen many miracles of healing in my life and I know that God is able. I love you and think of you every single day, my precious pal. Love, Hugs & Blessings....

N-Search of Peace! said...

Two hands, one heart, covering you with love and prayer, all the way from the deserts of Arizona....

Live happily dear one!


Anonymous said...

Oh, Renee, I don't know what to say. The waiting and wondering. I'm off to the House of Peace this morning and will petition more prayers. What else?

Janine said...

What a fabuous piece of work that Julie ann has done with your family portrait.

I would love to email you but do not see a way. I have a question for you. A personal one if you don't mind.

Love you blog...is that your work, the banner?

karen gerstenberger said...

Thank you for trusting us with this update on your health. I pray that things will improve in your body, and that the bats will be banished. I love your (& Wahid's) way of facing "what is," with love and patience.
I despise cancer.
I love you, and am holding you in light and love.

Debra She Who Seeks said...

Wishing for you: strength, hope, love, zen. And no bats.

Lilacrobin said...

Dearest Renee,
I awoke this morning - and my mind turned immediately to you....
I feel your pain and stress from the hell of waiting.... (I have gone through this with my Mother....)

I love the wisdom in the words Lori and KJ sent to you...they ring true... and I think you are quite right (and unbelievably brave) to accept life in Zen terms...yet, you must not give up the fight....

All of your blogging family love you so much....yes we do....and I believe that our prayers surround you with our love and strength.

We are all reaching out and holding you hand, dear Renee...you have impacted all our lives and we need you - marvelous brave lady!


MuseSwings said...

Renee dear friend! What news you've had to translate into your life! I pray for you and your doctors as well and somehow feel that things will work out for you despite the possibilities that loom over you! Thank you so much for stopping by my blog while I am in hermit mode. Glad I came out of my shell today to read your post.

Diva Kreszl said...

Renee, you remain in my thoughts and prayers dear one. How disturbing to have to wait so long for information, I do believe waiting is the worst. Just knowing and proceeding would be so much better. Am I wrong? I know that is how I would feel, it is the unknown that cripples me, I shall pray that the Doctors and technicians do their best to expedite things for you so you can get on with the business of healing! Love you much! (the new banner is beautiful!)

Anonymous said...

Sweet Renee,

Oh, my heart is leaking from my eyes. I am so sorry for this happening to you. We stand before the abyss with you and hold your hand as you jump.

Bella Sinclair said...

I will take any little chip of bone, any little tiny shard and savor it. Thank God it is not in your liver. Phooey that they cannot run those tests any sooner or faster. You are a warrior. It is obvious where Sheldon got his dignity and courage. He learned from the best. Whatever is, is, and we will go on from there.

All my love.

lakeviewer said...

We are in the room with you, waiting, hoping and praying.

You have a clear head, even with bats circling it, and it is focused and sure. Your family is a bastion. Your support system is intact.

You are taking charge here. This is a very good sign.

I wish you strength, hope and faith.

Elizabeth said...

You are so strong, surrounded by the love of your family and friends.

Blessings to you.

Jenny S said...

CANCER SUCKS!! I know they will find out soon and let you know ASAP! You will get started on a treatment and things will calm down a little for you!!

Allegra Smith said...

And so we wait. We take this road one step at a time making pit stops to let the bats fly, to let the head find its center once more, to hold the shivers under the blanket a sweet friend sent to us, to hold on to each other's hand because we have done it before, and we are doing it now and although we much would have prefer to hold each other's hand while dancing, we are, dancing that is.

We dance with hope, with anxiety, with pain, with aches, with nausea and even with indifference some times. The music is familiar and yet so foreign to our ears; But we dance and we hold each other's hand, as we have done before and as we will always do. Life after life, forever. I love you Renee and I am holding you near.

Julie said...

I'm shooing the bats alongside you in spirit. Love you love you love you. I wish love can heal more than wounds of the heart.

A Thousand Clapping Hands said...

I think of you often, Renee. You are so very special.

Much love,
Catherine xx

Dede said...

I love you Renee, together strong.


Debra Kay said...

Renee, I don't know what to say except to tell you that your post has changed me. I've been battling with a stomach issue myself (what I've been putting into the vessel) and now before I put any crap in there I'm going to think about you, and be grateful that I have a stomach that is working and that I would gladly share with you if I could.

I know that it doesn't help your situation, but I sincerely hope it helps your heart to know that you've helped someone in a very real way-so much so that I think I just broke the world record for most uses of the word help in one sentence.

My cousin and I joke that the bone in my ankle is from Alistar Cooke's ass. It was about the time that scandal broke. I was freaked out by it for a long time (cause I dwell on those things-it's what I DO) but now I realize, hey, it's MY bone and whoever gave it up probably gave it willingly.

I'm rambling-I don't mean to make this about me-but about you and how you've changed me. I will shut up now.

Michelle said...

Bloody waiting, bloody fucking cancer.

I love you


aimee said...

i am speechless that it takes so long to analyze your test results when time is the most precious weapon on your side. but your zen approach to the outcome is disarming, so full of peace and hope.


Sarah said...

I am coming in here late..sorry hon..my computer has been all doodleywonkers ..managed to get on and pop in here...ACKKKK!!!
You my dear friend are a strong one..you are. I told you the other day what an effect you have had on my spirit and my soul. I love you hon..It makes me crazy to see you suffer. I would take some of that for you if allowed..I would carry it for you for a bit. I love you hon..I know you know this.
Nonni has just asked me why I am crying..I told her you were not feeling well..she of course knows all about you. She told me to send you a hug for her.
Gentle down covered hugs, Sarah

kendalee said...

Renee, this seems like too much for anyone to endure. Too much. And yet you do. I have nothing to say or offer that feels adequate so I'm just going to say that I was here, and I'm sending you my love and thoughts. They'll be of absolutely no help in any real sense, but they are all I have to give. ♥ K

Debbie said...

I am so sorry for those results. You will certainly continue to be in my prayers, my dear friend.

Shelly said...

“Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will”
Mahatma Gandhi

I so admire you … xoxo

Love the header, it’s scary and beautiful at the same time ... I understand the symbolism, but I want in there too - it can't always just be you and Jackie - neither of you are in this alone.

Karin Bartimole said...

Thank you for sharing and explaining all of this for us, who care about you so, Renee. As you know, I've been wondering about your bone scan results, and now more waiting... and then you will do all you need to do to best take care of what is.
I really can relate to the zen thing you are experiencing. I currently share this sense with you. We become more able to *deal*, I think, when one thing after another comes. There no longer is a need for asking why, or wasting energy on extreme emotions - we need that energy for stepping into what is, which means facing what comes next to live fully.

As always, my thoughts are with you, and bravo again, for sharing your grace and strength. I love you, Karin

Karin Bartimole said...

Renee, we may have used different words, but I believe you shared the message beautifully, and I think we all felt that - I know I instantly got it.
You are a living and breathing the message within the serenity prayer.
xxoo K

Sarah said...

I read your post this morning Renee and have been thinking of you a lot today. It is a long time to have to wait for results and I hope the waiting goes quickly. I always read all your commenters on these scary posts-I mean scary because I am scared for you, and they always strike me as so wise and beautiful which reflects what I see in your posts. I loved Ces's and Allegra's the most today but they were all lovely. Sending lots of love as always and my version of prayers. Sarah xx

Sue said...

Renee, I stand in awe of you (not true, I bow down to you). You have such strength, courage and are able to put a positive spin on the most devasting news.

May we all learn from you, I know that I have. You are such a guiding example and ray of light in my life and I thank you dear friend.

Sending prayers and love to you always.


CarolineH said...

I'm taking lots of deep breaths dear sister of the heart. My thoughts are with you. I love you, sweet Renee, even though I can't seem to keep in touch as much. Life has taken me in such different directions, but I'll never stray too far from you, dear friend. I'll be praying for you. xoxoxo
Love you always,

Pattee said...

Renee... I am speechless... I am heart broken.. I am angry, I am praying...

I hate the waiting, and the pathology losing or miss placing or just what the FUCK they were doing so you had to wait... and now have more work done...

3 more weeks of those Fucking bats!

Did someone say something about fruit bats... I'll give them something sweet to eat if they'll leave you alone....

Over on A Fanciful Twist she asked us to give her our wishes and that she would set them free... which she did last night... My one wish was that my friend Renee get better and be cancer free... I hope wishes come true.

You never cease to amaze me with your "zen" poem and the way you told Wahid you felt...

You are my angel, my friend and soul mate...
I love you Renee

Brenda LaBell said...

Gentle hugs and prayers for a peaceful belly dearest.


Pattee said...

You know Renee I don't know where I got that name... I just looked at her and thought your name is Effie...

Effie is winging her way to your door step~ Let your mom know I love her name... even tho I didn't even know it was Scottish (which I am partly also) How is your mom doing by the way???

I'm thinking of you dear friend~
Love much love~pattee

suzanne said...

Renee, I have been reading your Blog for weeks but haven't left a comment. The reason being that I have been at a loss for words to describe how inspired and very lucky I feel to have found a true angel from heaven.I have been praying and will continue to pray that you will feel and be comforted by the enormous amount of love that is sent to you by so many people you have touched with your strength. Thank you for sharing yourself with all of us. You matter very much to so many. Suzanne

Draffin Bears said...

Renee, you are in my thoughts and prayers, every day.
As Bella's painting said shoo bats! I really hope that they will go away.

Love you sweet friend and hoping for only the best for you.
Sending hugs to you and your family.

Carolyn xo

Anonymous said...

You know what little lover? I think I will join Lori-Ann and swim with you in this river that takes us to places so beautiful we have no idea, no comprehension from where we sit on the shore. Id like very much to swim and float and watch clouds on our backs as we drift into the unknown which is really the known that we have just forgotten.
You are so beautiful and Wahid is so handsome and you are both so kind and bright and you are both LoVe.
I love you so much.
You make me smile, so often, you have no idea how many times in one day the thought of you can make me smile.
Thank you.

Deborah said...

I love you, Renee. My mind has gone from prayers to Let's Make a Deal. How to relinquish control to The One Who keeps the planets spinning in their orbits. Even The Little Flower fails me tonight with prayers of comfort. Croire a l'Amour. Criore a l'Amour. I kneel at the feet of Christ, begging for intervention, Intercession.

"People want to know God's will for them. In one of His most explicit statements on the subject, Christ said, 'I come that you might have life and have it abundantly.' ...What I think He'll be most pleased with is to see that we truly lived, that we were the person He created us to be.
-- Rich Mullins

Renee, you are everything that God created you to be. Sending you all of my love, Deb

Anonymous said...

My dear, you ARE having a time of it lately.All things considered, I do hope you had a lovely Christmas and New Years.

With the New Year, I feel renewed and I'll be passing some of that energy off to you...sparkle, sparkle, fairy dust, fairy dust, fairy dust.

Oh Gaaawwd, my dog sitting next to me just toooted! Peee-uuuu!!!

Anyway, chin up butter cup. (And if you need a recipe for bat tomato bisque, I've got one!

Linda Sue said...

Love your new header and the portrait of your angel family which says to me that none of us are here long enough it seems-but we are together for eternity- but cancer is such mean bullshit and I hate that it dominates your beautiful life. really, you have been dealt tarnished cards out of a golden deck and I can only rationalize it as some sort of high honor given to you by the power that be...earning a spot in the most noble of other worldly palaces- you are Queen! It's a bullshit rational- just don't know where else to put this news.Just know that everyone who has ever had the good fortune to experience your heart, your blog, your beauty has been enriched and fallen in total love with you. LOVE YOU always and forever.

Caroline said...

Dear Renee, Oh my, how much can one family endure? I truly hope that the waiting goes quickly for you, that the results are positive and that those bloody bats get the hell out of there. Biggest hugs.Caroline x

kj said...

moon sister, i just read all your comments.

what's clear to me is that you are so far past the point of dealing with this alone you might as well be in a room with all hundred, two hundred, four hundred, of us. you have love directed at you every which way. we will soothe your forehead, rub your back, wash your feet (yuk), break your bread, protect your heart. we will hold up your family, keep our arms strong for them.

we will not let you be harmed. we will not,renee.and that is so easy to promise and deliver on because YOU will not let yourself be harmed.

damn right we are in the river together. look around. when you let go of the shore we will all be here to hold you up. we will follow the current together, hand in hand.

i love you so deeply, renee, i am at a loss to describe it, to even explain it. you have become a true sister to me. a sister of my heart. and you know what else? here you are sick and unsettled and dealing with all this uncertainty and you still give. you give. we all know that. we've all been recipients. i have been comforted by you just how and when i needed comfort. you knew. you know. how proud i am to call you my friend.

manohmanohmanohman. you are something else, moon sister. i've told God not to expect you anytime soon, but when you do arrive, i suggested she/he slide you right into a Senior Angel position.

i love you always,

Angie Muresan said...

Renee you are such an amazingly beautiful woman. I marvel at your strength and courage and send all the blessings of heaven upon you.
I love you my friend, and I pray for you daily.

BT said...

Oh Renee, what to say? The not knowing for sure must be so irritating. At least when you know they can start some sort of treatment to drive those wretched bats away. Always thinking of you.


Silke said...

How did I miss this post?! The news is not got, but the energy from your post is. I can feel the zen! I think the waiting must be excruciating! Not knowing for sure, not treating, worrying... You are in my heart, dear Renee!! I love you! Silke

Catherine said...

I cry for you, I think of you, I love you.

You inspire me, you give me courage, you remind me to keep on living.

zoe said...

renee, miracles only come from impossible situations! the doctors are scratching their heads, it's a good sign! i am thinking of you and sending you my best thoughts and biggest hugs!

jacquie said...

when you let go of the shore we will all be here to hold you up. we will follow the current together, hand in hand."
i've told God not to expect you anytime soon, but when you do arrive, i suggested she/he slide you right into a Senior Angel position"
kj..........i love these two sentiments.........they made me feel how deeply the words
"together strong"
means to renee and i....very powerful and positive and as for the senior angel position will be up their with our dad and sheldon...
anyway renee...nothing is ok about any of this but ......
live another day to fight the fight
together strong .......i felt it last night....
love you to the moon and back

Renee said...

Together strong Jacquie.


Love Renee xoxo

Tammy said...

Dear Renee,
My Prayers and thoughts are with you.
Keep your strength and faith, even through the uncertain times.
Many, Many Cyber Hugs, and Prayers.

One Womans Thoughts said...

Blessings to you, sweet lady and to your husband for sharing, for being strong. Most of us have experienced cancer either personaly or with loved ones. It is never easy, and yet brings us together again with more compassion, hope, prayer and love with each person.
You are in my nightly prayers.

Marie S said...

Awwwwwwwwwww thank you Renee from Madi and I.
Thank you so much for being our friend!
It is so great to have quality in our lives.
May your new year be the best you have ever had.

Daria said...

Renee, when I read your post ... I sometimes can't believe what I am reading ... how can this be happening?

Where do you find the strength?

Something Happened Somewhere Turning said...


I am praying for you and the spirit of your family.

Bridgett said...

I'm sending healing energies and much love your way, Renee.


nanakin1 said...

There's nothing I can say that hasn't been better expressed in one or more of the other comments. Sending you strength and love.
Nancy (nanakin1)

kj said...

together strong, jacquie and renee.

Deanna said...

Words can't say how I feel for you. I will pray for you.


Nina P. said...

I just read today, "we were never promised an easy life but a full life." And may I add; A life full of ups and downs, of shadows and light each creating an experience of a lifetime, our lifetime. What we choose to do with it is up to us, how we choose to deal with the cards that we're dealt, is up to us. We can go it alone or we can call on others to help us along the way. There is a song that comes to mind whenever I am feeling like I can't go on...... As His eye is on the Sparrow, I know He watches me.... May you find Peace tonight, Hope tonight, Rest tonight as Angels wrap their wings around you and protect you. May you sleep well for the Sun will rise tomorrow, and a New Day will Dawn, New Hope, New Life.... Each breath is a New Beginning.... Each moment a lifetime.... May God Bless you with His Healing Power and Grace and may He grant you His Peace and Understanding. Love and Light, Nina P

Yvonne Anderson said...

Aw shit Renee!!!

I haven't been around in a while and was saddened to hear about this.

I love that you share and I am sure you are helping others going through similar experiences.

XX much love

Meghann LittleStudio said...

Sh!t. Sh!t, Sh!t, Sh!t! I stay away from blogland for a few weeks and the world explodes. I am so sorry to be commenting so late on this. I am praying so hard for you and your family. I pray they figure this latest puzzle out and fix it. I pray you stop suffering. I pray you can smile.
Hugs and prayers,