Tuesday 31 March 2009

Spinning Spring

I thought I would recognize it when I found it. Spring is hopeful and depressing at the same time.

Flashbacks From The Month Of March

March 20, 2005

*When I grew up my parent’s financial situation seemed an all or nothing affair. We either had or we didn’t. I didn’t really notice not having, but at the same time there were times we didn’t have. The prevailing attitude about money was when you had it, you spent it, when you didn’t have it; you tightened your purse strings. I think what was positive about my family’s values regarding money; was they weren’t afraid to spend it. What was negative was they weren’t afraid to spend it.

*I liked that my parents would spend the money and have it provide luxuries, but I don’t think they worried about a rainy day. On the other hand, I’m glad they weren’t frozen with fear regarding only rainy days.

March 21, 2005

*Digging for the truth: I almost know who I am. I almost feel happy. I am tired of hiding my emotional failure with my weight from myself.

*There is nothing that I pretend never happened.

*Know what you really know; feel what you really feel; and say what you really mean.

March 3, 2006

*Mugga scan. Had chemo and also started a new drug for calcium replacement. The new drug ‘Pamidronite’ is given in my PICC. My chemo is Docetaxel (Taxotere).

March 10, 2006

*Went in for chemo but platelets were too low. Chemo postponed. However, excited I did receive Herceptin. Maximum dose for 1.5 hours. Will be getting blood transfusions on Thursday.

March 15, 2006

*Went to see Dr. Akra (radiologist) for my bone cancer. Cancer is on nodule 9 in spine. Told me not to bend or lift anything and to use common sense. I went for x-rays to determine the exact location. Radiation and chemo don’t happen at the same time so for now I will need to continue with chemo.

March 16, 2006

*I went to the Health Sciences for two more units of blood for a transfusion.

March 22, 2006

*Went to see Dr. Dubroska – waste of time, she checked me over than left. Wahid and I sit there for another 20 minutes until I go in the hall and ask a nurse if she is coming back. The nurse said no, that she was finished. I said, well next time, maybe she should think of telling me that.

March 22 and 29, 2006

*Went to stress reduction/relaxation support group where I met Jill, Angie and Helen. It was emotional but good.

March 31, 2006

*First time I have had taxotere, pamidronite, and herceptin all together. Felt aches and pains.

March 28, 2007

*Happy Birthday to me!

*Don’t think the xeloda is working because of the evidence of the skin cancer. I will see the doctor on Monday.

*I am 51 years old today and I am thankful to be here. Angelique will be having her baby soon; Nathan will be graduating with his Arts Degree in Philosophy; and Nadalene will be getting married. I will be here. I will be happy.

*Fear is the mind killer. When I start to fear I try to live in the ‘now’ and it helps.

*Physical attributes of fear for me are a rock in my stomach, headache, wanting to shut down and not be here.

*Mental attributes of my fear are depression, trapped; wanting to close my eyes and pretend it will be gone, deep sadness, a sense of failure.

*I am not alone, even if I feel that I am.

Flash Forward

I just turned 53 and I had the most amazing birthday. I am still alive. I am still here. I am still able to love. I am still able to cherish.

Don’t ever give up.

Sunday 29 March 2009

21st Century Salon

It was while we were driving that Nadalene said that she thinks that my blog, and all blogs really, resemble a French Salon of the 18th century.

‘Mom all these people gather: artists, writers, poets, intellectual thinkers; all with something to say.’

I could not deny the truth of it. I believed her then and I believe her still.

It was never my intent of what the blog should be and it is still not my intent, but things have a way of becoming what they become.

My intent of the blog is still for my children, still for them to know what I think, and mostly for them to hear my voice when I can no longer speak.

But somewhere along the way I wrote something that someone thought something of. Others wrote or did art that I thought something of. I communicated and they communicated. And before I knew it we became a community of friends. It appeared that I had a salon and so did they and we could get to each others in a blink of an eye.

Our salons are a gathering of women and men who share their thoughts about what we are doing or what matters to us on any particular day. In my salon I would love to create a space for dialogue and reflection.

In my particular salon I want an inclusive environment that all feel welcome to express their views. I really do love to hear what everyone has to say. I tell my truth and I love to hear your truth.

Like the French salons of the past our blogs have become an informal university. Through our blogs we are able to exchange ideas and receive enlightenment.

My hope for my salon in this 21st century is to have a gathering of stimulating people partly to amuse one another and partly to increase my knowledge through my meanderings of their art and words, and mostly to have an exchange of love and ideas.

The exchange of love in my 21st Century Salon has never been more evident than what went down on the 28th for my birthday.

My youngest sister Shelly read on my blog where Nancy mentioned having a guest blogger. Shelly asked me a week or so before my birthday if she could do a Regarding Renee post. I of course jumped at it and absolutely love what she wrote. She is amazing.

Then I was laughing with Bella, Ces, Linda, and Bjornik and in my laughing, I thought I had an inkling that something was going down regarding my birthday. (Which it did, they threw me a party.) They are amazing.

Mad Texter who is hilarious left me a comment the day before my birthday and when I went to reply I saw he had romper room for my birthday. I was totally stunned and thought wow so cool.

A spoonful of sugar who lives in Australia whose imagination and skills are beyond my imagination had a birthday banner up. I love it.

Rosaria was going to make an award and I was to be its first recipient and I received it the day before my birthday. What she wrote made me cry. I love it. Rosaria is amazing.

Then just before I went to bed there was a comment from Orly. I replied and in the corner of her blog I saw my banner picture with ‘Renee Day’ written across it. Then I was like what the fuck?

This led to a birthday filled with wonderful pictures and poems and stories and Bjornik the best love letter I have ever received.

This is the order that they came to my birthday. Please check them out. These salons are all brilliant and I love each and every one of the people behind the salon.

Mad Texter at http://madtexter.blogspot.com/2009/03/hey-hey-its-renees-birthday.html?showComment=1238256300000#c8247579706976458075

Spoonful Of Sugar at http://spoonfullofsugargirls.blogspot.com/
Rosaria at http://sixtyfivewhatnow.blogspot.com/2009/03/shining-light-award.html
Orly at http://oneartistjournal.wordpress.com/
Michelle at http://anchellblue.blogspot.com/2009/03/renee-day.html
Ces at http://cesandherdishes.blogspot.com/2009/03/happy-birthday-renee.html
Bella at http://bellasinclair.blogspot.com/2009/03/happy-renee-day.html
Delwyn at http://ahazymoon.blogspot.com/2009/03/happy-birthday-dear-renee.html
Karin at http://aviewbeyondwords.blogspot.com/2009/03/for-renee.html
Bjornik at http://bjornik.blogspot.com/2009/03/happy-birthday-renee.html
Caroline at http://thecalmintheeyeofthetorm.blogspot.com/2009/03/i-know-gal.html
Kathy at http://moongazinghareillustration.blogspot.com/2009/03/happy-renee-day.html
kj at http://karenjasper.blogspot.com/2009/03/my-name-is-renee-and-i-am-52-years-old.html
Audrey at http://stage3whome.blogspot.com/2009/03/happy-birthday-to-renee.html
Rebecca at http://rebeccasramsey.blogspot.com/2009/03/light-candle.html
Cheryl at http://frizzfrock.blogspot.com/2009/03/picking-flowers-for-renee-happy.html
Sarah at http://rowenleaf.blogspot.com/2009/03/happy-birthday-dear-renee.html
Gloria at http://glorv1.blogspot.com/2009/03/happy-birthday.html
Daria at http://daria-livingwithcancer.blogspot.com/2009/03/happy-birthday-renee.html
Julie at http://geishaschooldropout.typepad.com/geisha_school_dropout/2009/03/happy-birthday-renee.html
Linda at http://lindacardina.blogspot.com/2009/03/happy-birthday-beautiful-renee-we-love.html
Laurel at http://studiololo.blogspot.com/2009/03/celebrating-renee.html
Nancy at http://everyphototellsastory.blogspot.com/2009/03/image-prompt-happy-birthday.html
Ronnie at http://biddybrain.blogspot.com/2009/03/happy-birthday-renee.html
Lisa at http://raihndrops.blogspot.com/2009/03/1008pm-renee-day.html
Kelly at http://kellykilmer.blogspot.com/2009/03/journal-page-from-321-and-birthday.html
Nolly Posh at http://nollyposh.blogspot.com/2009/03/happiest-of-happy-birthdays-3.html
kj at http://karenjasper.blogspot.com/2009/03/tipping-point.html
Sheri at http://ostrichgirl5.blogspot.com/2009/03/happy-birthday-renee.html
Caroline at http://carolinesstudio.blogspot.com/2009/03/happy-birthday-renee.html
Kate at http://blog.totalbalance.com.au/2009/03/happy-birthday-renee.html
Aleksandra at http://sandra-sandrinatajna.blogspot.com/2009/03/renee-happy-birthday-againwhy-not-o.html
Ces at http://cesandherdishes.blogspot.com/2009/03/renee-award.html
Jacinta at http://one-little-acorn.blogspot.com/2009/04/beautiful-birthdays.html
Flossy-P at http://flossy-p.blogspot.com/2009/03/renee-day.html

Now if all of you dolls would send me a copy of the pictures and letters and paintings you did in the mail; well then I would be completely satisfied, as you know I am always pushing my luck.

I am so sincerely humbled (which is not me) by what you have all done and the many birthday wishes that have been sent my way. Thank you, all of you.

Love Renee xoxoxox

Saturday 28 March 2009

Regarding Renée

She is the 8th child born on March 28th 1956 in The Pas, Manitoba to a family of 13, the 6th daughter of what will eventually be 9. She is named by, and after Father René Major, a Catholic Priest at the church her family attended (Renée: r(e)-nee\ is pronounced ren-NAY. It is of French origin, meaning “reborn”).

Renée, adorable of course with huge bluer than blue eyes and lots of dark brown hair, the baby of the family, but only for 11 months.

When Renée arrived Mom was 29 years old and Dad was 30. She was nick named “Lover” by her father because she was a peace maker among her older siblings, she never wanted to see anyone fight and when they did she would cuddle both parties until it stopped.

Mom told me that Renée was her “little nudist”. In Winnipeg, we are lucky enough to enjoy all four seasons, experiencing a beautiful spring, summer, fall and winter, with both winter and summer sometimes at their extremes. Poor Renée never liked being too hot or too cold and to my Dad’s embarrassment he would often find his little 4 year old “Lover” naked on Portage Avenue waiting for him when he came home from work (honestly if you could have seen pictures of her, she looked like a little raga-muffin, my parents were very poor at that time and I for one believe Renée probably just didn’t like the clothes she was wearing).

When Renée was very little, maybe up until grade 3 she could not pronounce her r’s so when people would ask what her name was she would reply “Yenny”, the person asking would say “what?” and again she would reply “Yenny”, this would go on and on until the person would finally say “Penny?” to which Renée would reply “yes” … eventually when people would ask “What is your name?” she would simply say “Mickey”.

Yenny, lovable of course with huge bluer than blue eyes and lots of dark brown hair, naked as a jaybird in the bright summer sun.

Renée is a homebody from way back, she always had lots of friends and of course together they would plan sleepovers, but Renée would always instruct Mom to put a kybosh on these parties so she wouldn’t have to go, I can just imagine Renée saying “Sorry, I really wanted to, but I just can’t!”

I have one vivid memory of Renée as a teenager; she is standing in the living room of our old house on Elizabeth Road holding a coffee table above her head getting ready to throw it at Jacquie whom she had at this point wrestled to the ground - yelling $%^ &^*@#$% *&@#!$! - I was probably 6 or 7 at that time and should have been traumatized, but having always been a big fan of the divine Miss R. I just remember thinking “Wow, is Renée ever strong” LOL good times, good times.

Renée, enchanting of course with huge bluer than blue eyes, long straight dark brown hair and a beautifully freckled face.

Eventually as all little girls do, Renée grew up and was lucky enough to meet and marry her one true love Wahid, and because these two people fell in love she is the proud mother of her three very accomplished children; Angelique, Nadalene and Nathan. She is highly devoted to them and you will not find a more protective and loving parent. Renée is truly a mother who has held her childrens' hands for a while, but will hold their hearts forever.

Renée, devoted of course with huge bluer than blue eyes, permed dark brown hair, her heart full of love and her arms full of children.

Today Renée is 53 years old, the proud Grandmother of her very accomplished (she knows how to put her shoes on the right feet and isn’t even 2 yet!!) little Granddaughter Josephine, wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, artist and blogger extraordinaire.

As some of the comments left on her blog prove I am not the only one enamored by my sister;
“you are a true hero for everyone who is lucky/smart enough to come across you blog”, “ I am amazed at your candor. You describe your felling so well” “lovely, dear, beautiful Renée”, “oh you set my heart on fire!”, “storytelling through ART”, your blog is like an exciting new ride” “wow. A million times wow!” and my personal favorite written by Orly - “Sweet Renée..How you take pieces of your soul and arrange them all together to pierce through, directly to our hearts, is beyond me. The choice of words to describe indescribable events of your being and the essence of Renée is truly a gift to the wonderful people in your life and to us all. Your writings are superb, high class..high everything…

Renée, engaging of course with huge bluer than blue eyes, the most beautiful chic grey hair, “Lover” of music, world class soccer (and Nathans games), the Olympics, art, books, poems, teenagers, the underdog, the over achiever, all things beautiful and even some things not.

Birthday wishes to you Dear Renée, (my sister - my heart - my friend) and many, many more … xoxo Shelly

Postscript: In keeping with the true spirit of Renée’s early blogs the above artwork has been stolen.

Thursday 26 March 2009


Before anyone goes off, I am putting out this disclaimer ‘I am Catholic.’ And yes, I know I am much more than Catholic, blah blah blah, but for the intent of this post I am just stating it up front.

When the Vatican picks a man like Joseph Ratzinger to become the Pope, is it any wonder that the Catholic Church is losing people in droves?

Besides being on the polar opposite end of almost every thing he stands for, I wanted to know if anyone has heard what Pope Benedict said about Aids/HIV in Africa last week.

Pope Benedict said that the condition was ‘a tragedy that cannot be overcome through the distribution of condoms, which even aggravates the problems.’ I would be laughing my head off right now if it weren’t for the seriousness of this statement and the many people in Africa who will follow what their local priests tell them.

Condoms aggravate the problems of Aids/HIV?? It is the one thing that we do know helps the situation and spread of this horrible disease.

He is so out of touch and such a loon. It is so time to get a Pope that is young and knows what the hell is going on in the world.

Pope Benedict insists that the Catholic Church is in the forefront of the battle against Aids, by advocating sexual abstinence and fidelity within a marriage as major ways of fighting the disease. Different but the same I guess, as being against the Nazis’ but joining the Hitler youth, kind of like showing you are against war by goose-stepping and saluting the Fuhrer.

In the moral and knowledge department it feels as though the Catholic Church is being run by the same person that ran the United States for the last eight years.

Pope Benedict also states that the solution to Aids/HIV is ‘spiritual and human awakening and friendship for those who suffer.’

Unlike being able to vote the worst President in U.S. history out of office and sending him to Texas, to hopefully never be heard from again, unless of course I hear the sweet screams of him being thrown into prison for what he has done (I digress). I think the only way to get rid of a Pope is that he has to die.

And this is supposed to be God’s representative. I’m not buying it for a minute.

*artwork by Natalie Dee

Wednesday 25 March 2009

Wednesday's Women No. 23

It can be difficult when what you see does not match with what the people around you see. It can be difficult when what you say does not match with what the people around you hear. It can be difficult when what you hear does not match with what the people around you speak.

Since adolescence I have felt as though I am walking alone.

It can be difficult when you understand the passion of the people around you but they do not understand your passion. It can be difficult when you understand the love of the people around you but they do not understand your love. It can be difficult when you understand the reality of the people around you but they do not understand your reality.

Since adolescence I have felt as though I was missing the beat.

It can be difficult when what you see is the way to peace but the people around you see never-ending wars. It can be difficult when what you say is life is always worth it but the people around you hear life is not worth it. It can be difficult when what you hear is come in but the people around you say get out.

Since adolescence I have felt as though anything is possible.

It can be difficult when your passion is to truly listen to others but the people around you only want to hear themselves. It can be difficult when you see love passed from soul to soul but the people around you only see that their ego has been slighted. It can be difficult when you see in someone’s reality that they are hurting but the people around you only want to keep their reality buried.

Since adolescence I have felt as though the world will one day be all it is meant to be.

*artwork by Yangge Robin

Tuesday 24 March 2009

March = 03

Are you Irish? No I am not Irish, I am Canadian. If you had to split me up into other countries for my ancestry than I would be ½ Scottish from my mother who is from Aberdeen, Scotland. ¼ French with a tad of Spanish from my grandmother on my father’s side who was from France and ¼ French Canadian from my grandfather. Calculations (½ + ¼ + ¼) = 100% Canadian.

Do you like corned beef and cabbage? I am going to put the cart before the horse. I love cabbage drowned in butter with salt and pepper. Now corn beef is another story; I’m on the fence, well no I’m not, I don’t really like it. (Okay Aries, what happened to being able to answer a question?) Well after that little dig to myself it has shored me up and so no I don’t like corned beef but I do love cabbage.

What did you do for St. Patrick’s Day? I wrote my blog post on Vegas. Went to the hospital and had my PICC cleaned. Went to my metastases group meeting where there was a cake for Sally, Irene, and I for our birthdays.

Are you happy when winter is pretty much over? Yes, I am, but I must admit that at this time I am the most afraid of walking because the snow melts so fast that the roads and walkways are treacherous with ice. Having cancer in my bones makes me doubly afraid to fall. Well I can’t leave you on that note. I sound like I am always waaagh waaagh waaagh all the way home all of the time. So yes, I am very happy that winter is pretty much over.

Monday 23 March 2009

Dreams Sponsored By The Letter P

Pairs: To see pairs of things or concepts in your dream represents the need for balance in your life. Usually the pairs are opposites of each other and serve as a way for the mind to compartmentalize things for better understanding.

Palm: Suggests that you hold all the knowledge you need in your own hands. The palm is a symbol of openness and a generous nature; a reminder for you to reach and utilize your full potential.

Panther: Signifies lurking danger and enemies working to do you harm. Panthers signify power, beauty and grace while at the same time signifying darkness, death, and rebirth.

Parade: If you are watching the parade it indicates that you are being sidetracked or distracted from achieving your goals. Since parades also symbolize the cycles and passage of time it is a reminder to be conscious in your own life.

Peacock: To see a peacock in your dream is a good omen representing spring, birth, new growth, longevity and love.

Pearl: Symbolizes the human soul, inner beauty, purity and chastity. Pearls hold special meaning for the innocent of heart.

Pendulum: When the pendulum is swinging back and forth it suggests that you are having difficulty in making an important decision in your life. You are afraid of change and the people around you are anxiously awaiting your decision.

Pentagram: Represents protection and the connection of your spirit to the earth, air, fire, and water. These elements contribute to various aspects of your well-being. If the pentagram is inverted that signifies conflict, negativity and aggression.

Plaid: Suggests that conservative views are in conflict with your liberal and wild side.

Praying: Indicates that you are looking for help from a higher source. There are some things that are out of your hands. This is a true indication that you need to relinquish and let go of your fears and worries.

Saturday 21 March 2009


The birthdates for Aries are between March 21st and April 20th. My birthday is on the 28th.

Colour = Red, White, Pink
Metal = Iron
Stone = Ruby, Bloodstone, Garnet
Tree = Holly, Thorn, Chestnut
Plants = Thistle, Wild Rose, Woodbine

Aries is symbolized by the ram which butts its head into all enemies. Like the ram, Arians approach life head on. Arians are direct, straightforward, and uncomplicated; they expect the same from others and are baffled when others are beating around the bush. In this regard they are very much like Sagittarians.

Ruled by the planet Mars, Arians are adventurous, impulsive, and full of energy. If there is any symbol in the zodiac that states ‘I Am’ it is an Aries. Arians are well known for thinking ‘Me first, and then my family first.’ Being the first sign of the zodiac, Aries symbolizes new beginnings.

An Aries is not given to long, drawn-out emotional moments. They live their lives simply and are the least likely of all the signs to tolerate drama. A definite downfall for an Aries is their impatience but a definite strength is their innovation. Arians know what they want and they know the quickest route to get it. Independence is an Arians birthright and nothing gets them going more than a fresh slate, the promise of a new day, and a brand new start.

Emotional issues take precedence for an Aries. Arians are ruled by their own emotional needs and they are not always as concerned about others’ needs when they have one of their own emotional needs going on. Arians do not like to get bogged down in details and are adept at dismissing anything they feel is irrelevant to the situation at hand. Aries have a remarkable ability to make quick decisions and so they don’t always understand it when others sit on the fence. At times they can seem aggressive because they want an answer and they want it now; after all in their minds it is always a simple question.

Well since I am the Aries in question I will tell you that I will happily offer my opinion on any and all topics. When you ask me what I think; you can be guaranteed it won’t take forever and a day to tell you.

Friday 20 March 2009

Fantasy Friday BLD No. 8

*artwork B by Leah Palmer Preiss

Thursday 19 March 2009

50s Housewife Quiz No. 4

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dust cloth over the tables.

All together gang. ‘Not happening.’

This is how it went down in the Khan household.

For me clearing away the clutter has always gone hand in hand with Wahid cooking supper. As he cooks, I usually clear the clutter. It takes him an hour to cook and me three minutes to clear clutter. I think all things are equal. After we ate when the kids were small I would clear more supper clutter to the tune of 15 minutes.

Now the clutter is picked up by the cleaning lady once every two weeks and dumped on the dining room table where I put it away or make piles out of it for Wahid and Nathan to put away. Dinner clutter is now put away by everyone who eats. It is a total joint effort.

One last trip through the house before Wahid arrives so that I can see the same mess I saw five hours ago when he wasn’t even close to arriving – no thank you. The only time I take a trip through my house before someone arrives is if I am having a party, and we all know that doesn’t happen often.

Now dusting tables is a strange one. I actually love polishing the tables, but only the tops of them. I need to get Wahid to go buy some furniture polish.

Clear away the clutter (Passed and semi-passed). Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives (Failed miserably on this one and happy to do so. My husband has never been a house Nazi). Run a dust cloth over the tables (Passed).

Wednesday 18 March 2009

Wednesday's Women No. 22

My name is Madame Estelle and I run a class for boys and girls in my home every other Wednesday.

I am sure you have heard of IQ and EQ, while I would like to present the world with PQ.

As you can tell by this photo of me that I have excellent posture. Now please don’t think I would have a whole Q devoted just to posture. Within that PQ is manners, posture, etiquette, how to deal with doormen, and of course how to tilt your nose ever so slightly upward.

You see PQ is a very delicate (like all things I participate in) state.

I of course will never discuss money, which is so gauche. I will put it as delicately (as mentioned above) as possible, if you have to ask how much, then you cannot afford to have your children participate in my classes.

I am selling to parents exactly what they want their children to represent to the world, the same thing in fact that they mock.

Tuesday 17 March 2009


So my sister Mickey has been tossing around that she wants to go somewhere with me. I’m game and keep telling her yeah, let’s do it.

I tell her that I have a bunch of stipulations which are:

~ I have to find out when my CT scan and bone scans are.

~ Need to know Doctor’s appointment for results.

~ Angelique is a teacher so I won’t go during spring break because she will be off and that means more time for me to spend with Josephine.

~ Will not be gone on the 28th which is my birthday; because that I will spend with Wahid and the kids.

~ Cannot go at Easter because of the same reason listed above.

~ I need a direct flight and do not want any stop-over.

She is okay with all stipulations, just wants to get away and have some fun with me. Asks me when my tests are and I tell her that I will check into it. I do and the tests are not until April, but I am not sure when yet.

I tell her that now is the best time to go because the tests aren’t till April and the test results may change everything if I am not stable, and if that happens then I wouldn’t go, because who knows what shit I would have on my plate to deal with then.

She calls my bluff and says she will be over Thursday and we will get it all organized. Yippee yahoo, I say. We decide we will go to Vegas.

Jacquie, another sister, hears of the plan so states that she is hitching her star with ours and is coming along.

Since it is no longer just Mickey and I, I also mention it to Suzie, another sister. She is non-committal.

I then ask Shelly, another sister, if she wants to go, but she is unable to because of work commitments.

I am going to ask Colette and Camille, yes other sisters, after I find out what dates we would be going, then I will phone my childhood friends Heidi and Shirley and see if they want to come too.

I really need to take a second here to figure out exactly how to best describe the following scene to you.

I am crying because I just find out about a little baby who is not even a year old who died of Stage 4 cancer. I see pictures of the little girl on her parent’s blog and I am devastated. They also talk about the death of a 14 year old boy that had cancer as well. I am sick about it. I am also sick about how they talk that Jesus had a plan and that the baby is with Jesus now.

Am I the only person left on the face of the earth that does not believe that Jesus or God had anything to do with this? That if Jesus or God had a plan and that it was for a baby to physically suffer and the parents to mentally suffer well then I would love to know what it is. If you feel the need to tell me that it is a mystery; well don’t bother. Keep the thought and choke on it.

Anyway, back to my story.

I’m crying and I hear Mickey come in. I wipe the tears and go see her. If she noticed that I was crying she didn’t say anything. Jacquie arrives about ten minutes later.

We are tossing the words ‘so fun, exciting, shows, entertainment, a good laugh, old Vegas, Grand Canyon, car rental, suitcases, road trips, hotel, slots, malls, etc.’

Mickey is sitting at the dining room table, Jacquie is sitting on the couch, Nathan is home from school for lunch, and I’m making tea in the kitchen.

Mickey is busy on the phone talking to Air Miles, I am now looking at papers at the table, and Jacquie and Nathan are talking in the living room. Mickey tells the person on the phone that she will look at different dates of flights and will call back.

Nathan leaves to go back to teach his science experiment at school. Mickey and I go upstairs to the computer room and look at various times the flights would go direct, as I only want a direct flight. We find direct flights leaving Winnipeg at the rate of about three a week.

We go back to the dining room and Jacquie comes and sits with us.

We discuss the flights and all decide that Monday, yesterday, the 16th of March would work out perfectly. Mickey calls and is giving all the details to the lady as we are all able to get on that flight.

My stomach is in knots, my mind is in circles, and I can’t go because I’m going to die soon; so no I don’t want to go. I’m afraid to go. I can’t go. I’m not going.

Mickey is on the phone talking about insurance, I can’t get any because I have a pre-existing condition. She doesn’t think we need insurance anyway.

Don’t be so retarded and fucked up, of course you can go. It is only a three hour plane ride for Christ’s sake. It isn’t the flying anymore, I don’t feel afraid of that.

I smile at Jacquie and we talk about suitcases.

I can hear Mickey getting ready to make the final booking.

I panic and say, you haven’t booked it yet have you? It isn’t booked yet is it? Mickey, put the lady on hold, it isn’t booked is it? She says ‘No, should I phone her back?’ Yes, phone her back.

Phew. That was a close call.

I tell Mickey and Jacquie that I don’t think I can go now. I am blubbering like a fucking blubbering blubberer.

Because I don’t know what the next month will bring, I am terrified to make plans. I need to sit right here and not move. I need to sit right here and gear myself up for the next weeks. I cannot leave my safe and known environment. I cannot!

I know that rationally if I went I would have fun, but not real fun because I feel that I would be walking hand in hand with the monster from under my bed. He has been riding me and dry humping me lately so I don’t want to go on a wonderful holiday where he won’t leave my side. As it is, my upper thighs are sore.

I tell Mickey and Jacquie, while crying and blowing my nose for over two hours that I just can’t go and I tell them it all in a million ways. I mention numerous times that I would feel like I had a gun to my head the whole time.

I see the compassion for me in their eyes and I cry more because I have become such a spineless slug. I am pitied now and I never was before.

They both understand of course and try to make me feel better and not like the worlds’ biggest loser. In the end they succeed.

I want them to go anyway but they will not hear of it. Mickey says that the whole purpose is to be with me, and I know that because we have discussed it too many times to count.

I decide that I can go, but not when the monster under the bed comes with me. I tell them that if I am stable after going to the doctor then I will be on a high and then I will go and want to do all the things we planned.

Having cancer hang over your head all the time especially when it comes to test/result times is one fucking motherfucker.

I was seriously a total basket case and had completely lost my marbles.

And the beat goes on......

Monday 16 March 2009

Dreams Sponsored By The Letter O

Oak Tree: Symbolizes longevity, stability, strength, tolerance, wisdom and if that isn’t enough prosperity. It really means that you have built a solid foundation for your family. If the tree has acorns then they represent your climb up the social ladder and your need for higher status.

Obelisk: Represents your cold and stern nature. You need to warm up to others and soften your nature.

Ocean: Represent your emotions and feelings. The ocean is indicative of a need for spiritual refreshment, tranquility, and renewal. If the seas are rough, it is a message to you that you are able to handle life’s ups and downs. When you need it, you will show great courage.

One-Eyed: Indicates your refusal to accept another viewpoint. It suggests that you are one-sided in your ways of thinking.

Opening: There will be a strong influence and new-found inspiration entering your life. You are feeling uplifted, confident, and happy. New opportunities, insight and self-discovering are awaiting you, unleash your potential.

Oracle: Symbolizes a belief in fate. You may be seeking guidance or expressing a desire to know what the future has in store for you. It also serves as a reassurance that you are looking ahead and moving forward in a positive direction.

Orgasm: Represents an exciting end to something. What are the things that complete you? Go for them and you will get what you desire.

Ostrich: I am sure you all know where this one is going. An ostrich suggests that you are not facing reality and are living in a world of your own making. You may be in denial or unwilling to accept a situation.

Outer Space: Represents your creativity. Open your mind to let yourself see what is truly miraculous. A reminder that the only limits are the ones we place on ourselves.

Owl: Symbolizes wisdom, insight, and virtue. The owl is also synonymous with death and darkness. If you hear the hoot of an owl it foretells of disappointment and forewarns that death creeps closely in the wake of joy and health. If the owl is dead it signifies a narrow escape from desperate illness and death. We must remember that death in every sense also can be symbolic, meaning an important transition in life. *artwork by Kelly Vivanco

Friday 13 March 2009

Friday The 13th

Okay everyone give it up for Friday the 13th. I got 4 out of 13 questions right. Let’s see how you do.

*What is the fear of Friday the 13th called?





*Who directed the classic 1980 horror film Friday the 13th?

Sean S. Cunningham

Gun Jonsson

Martin Scorsese

Francis Ford Coppola

*Which politician was known to put off traveling by air or road on Friday the 13th?

Winston Churchill

Aneurin Bevan

Pitt the Younger

Clement Attlee

*Friday the 13th is said to be lucky for some. Who?

People born on Friday the 13th.

People who have psychic powers.

People who live at number 13.

People who find love on Friday the 13th.

*Which of the following events took place on Friday the 13th?

Karl Marx died.

A plane crashed in the Andes, and the survivors were forced to resort to cannibalism to survive.

Margaret Thatcher resigned.

The racehorse Shergar was kidnapped.

*What was discovered in a study published in the British Medical Journal in 1993 concerning Friday the 13th?

The risk of hospital admission as a result of a transport accident may be increased by as much as 52%.

The number of hospital admissions due to accidents was on average the same as on other Fridays.

More people drive on Friday the 13th in order to disprove the superstition.

Fewer than 5m people worldwide suffer from fear of Friday the 13th.

*What happened to Wall Street in the last five Friday the 13ths of the 1990s?

Half of all companies stopped trading.

The stock marked crashed.

A major investment group went bankrupt.

Share prices rose.

*What will members of the Friday the 13th club be doing when they meet in Philadelphia today?

Breaking mirrors, walking under ladders and crossing the paths of black cats.

Hiding under the table.

Assuring each other it is already Saturday the 14th.

Throwing salt over their left shoulders.

*Why did Lloyds of London stop insuring ships launched on Friday the 13th?

The day was made a statutory holiday for all members in 1865.

HMS Friday, captained by a man called Friday, disappeared soon after its launch.

The coffee shop where Lloyds originally met called Fridays burned down in its 13th year.

They all sank.

*When is Friday the 13th considered especially unlucky?

On a Good Friday

During the plague

Close to a full moon

When it snows

*Which country has omitted the number 13 from its national lottery?





*What would French socialites known as quatorziens (fourteeners) attend, to bring the number of guests to 14 and prevent bad luck tainting an event?



Dinner Parties


*Who has predicted the world will end on Friday the 13th?


Mystic Meg

The Mayans

The Delphic Sibyl



Sean S. Cunningham

Winston Churchill

People born on the 13th

A plane crashed in the Andes, and the survivors were forced to resort to cannibalism to survive.

The risk of hospital admission as a result of a transport accident may be increased by as much as 52%.

Share prices rose.

Breaking mirrors, walking under ladders and crossing the paths of black cats.

HMS Friday, captained by a man called Friday, disappeared soon after its launch.

On a Good Friday.


Dinner Parties

The Mayans

Thursday 12 March 2009

50s Housewife Quiz No. 3

Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

All together gang. ‘Get real.’

This is how it went down in the Khan household.

Wahid hit the jackpot on this one. Seriously! I have always been gay and I personally think I am very interesting. One of the best parts about our marriage too, is that Wahid is always really interested in what I am saying and thinking. Actually, maybe it was me who hit the jackpot.

Early in the marriage I had small babies and was breast feeding them, I did not have energy or any interest in breastfeeding him too. So, if his day needed a lift, he would have to lift it himself. Later when the kids were older and I worked full time, I never had energy to worry about his boring day.

I do not have and never had a duty to make his life for him or to make his boring days less boring. However, now that we are older and I see him come home tired from a very physical job it is my pleasure to show my interest in his day. I do it, truth be told, not because I am interested in his day, but because I am interested in him.

Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him (Passed). His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it (Failed when it would have been a duty. Passed now that it is a privilege.)

Wednesday 11 March 2009

Wednesday's Women No. 21

I fell asleep this morning to a dream of my younger self. My young self at the age of 11 before I had breasts and at a time when I still believed I could do anything. No one had put the brakes on my activities at this point.

I was an Amazon who jumped out of trees at wild horses. I wore a mask like Zorro and a cape like Batman and I insisted that they be red like the colour of life. I wielded a sword like Kublai Khan and had a bow and a quiver of arrows like every other fairy archer. No one saw me as anything other than a beautiful child.

I was to be my own person. Just as young and free as I always had been but something got in the way of that. Something that others saw, that I did not yet see, something that didn’t matter to me but mattered to them.

My breasts appeared at the young age of 12 and it changed me in the eyes of others. I went from a girl who could jump out of trees to a woman who had to sit with her legs crossed on a chair. From fun and free to prim and proper all within one year.

I learned at 12 how the division of the sexes worked. How girls could be seen as a thing, an object, someone else’s fantasy, while boys were still allowed childhood invisibility.

I realized even at 12 that it was unfair that I now had to be someone other than who I really was, while the boys around me were still encouraged to be whoever they wanted to be. I was stymied just because I had grown breasts.

I promised myself that when and if I ever had children that if I had daughters they would be allowed to be whoever they wanted to be. And that the minute anyone tried to make them feel like objects and change their reality, I would jump out of trees at wild horses and remind them of the possibility of who they could be.

Tuesday 10 March 2009

Love Play

disciples never
got the Zen message, but I,
the Blind Donkey, know the truth:
love play can make you immortal.

The autumn breeze of a single
night of love is better than
a hundred thousand
years of sitting

~~ Ikkyu ~~

Monday 9 March 2009

Dreams Sponsored By The Letter N

Nadalene: Represents the truth. Dreaming of Nadalene is a dream of inspiration, imagination and devotion. There is a need in your life to be more understanding and compassionate. You are supercharged with emotions based on love and on an ability to create great things. *artwork by Kelly Vivanco

Naked: Denotes fear of being found out and exposed. The fear that others may see you as you see yourself at your darkest hour.

Nathan: Signifies freedom, tranquility, restoration, and renewal. Very significant in letting people know that they need to believe and trust in themselves. Represents renewed energy, vitality, awe, insight, and a sense of magic. *artwork by Kelly Vivanco

Nausea: Means you are suffering from a sickening situation or condition that you cannot rid yourself of.

Nest: Comfort, safety, homeliness, and protection are always inherent in a dream of nests. Balance is needed and can be found by comparing the condition of the nest in your dream to the parallels in your home life.

Nightmare: Signifies failure and disappointments or a decline in your health. Face issues head on and allow your mind and body to rest and heal.

Nimbus: To see a nimbus around you or someone else suggests deep spiritual growth and progress.

Nizam: You need to be open to a positive spiritual experience which will fill you with warmth and love if only you recognize it. You will have an opportunity to gain some amazing new wisdom and knowledge. *artwork by Kelly Vivanco

Nuns: Signifies purity, chastity and obedience. It also indicates that you need to live up to the vows and promises you have made to yourself and to others. It is possible to find the sense of security and calmness in your life that you are looking for.

Nymph: Represents the feminine mystique. It also symbolizes innocence, grace, and purity.