Then And Now No. 2

Then

March 13, 1998

Gwen died today, I couldn’t believe it. She died of cancer and her funeral is Wednesday. Mom called and she was so upset, I went over right away. Dad was crying too. Jacquie and Suzie and Peter came over and Mom and Dad felt a lot better after that.

Now

January 26, 2010

What I can’t believe now is how naïve I was. Like I can’t believe she died? She had cancer for Christ’ sake!

Then

March 18, 1998

Gwen’s funeral was today. Mom took a nerve pill before going to the funeral so she could stand it. Gwen was her best friend, as well as being her only friend she had left who was still alive.

Nadalene made Mom supper and bought her a hyacinth plant and a beautiful card. Mom was crying. Nadalene was showing Mom her pictures from Europe and it was a nice visit. But my heart felt like it was breaking for Mom. Nadalene drove home and was telling me how important friends are for seniors. I started crying in the car (just like I’m crying in bed) when she told me that in her University classes on the elderly they say that if a parent tells their children they are depressed; magnify that by a thousand, because they just won’t tell their children until they are at the end of their rope.

God please give Mom and Dad a restful night as I know they are both very upset.

Now

January 26, 2010

I see that it is so true how we want to spare our children no matter what. We want them to be spared what we cannot spare ourselves. But of course that can’t work. I think by trying to spare them they would worry more. I believe it is much better to be honest and state how we feel and then we can move past it and so can they. They don’t have to wonder if we are hiding things from them.

Then

January 2, 2001 (two thousand and one)

I am grateful that I like my children and I like my husband. It is 7:31 p.m. and I am in bed, I started my periods today, and I both look and feel like death warmed over. (Is that right? Mom always says that and now that I’ve written it out, I don’t know what it means.) Anyways, I’m exhausted. I always feel like I do nothing for me, but I just realized I said ‘I’ thirteen times in this short block of sentences.

Now

January 26, 2010

I definitely know what death warmed over is now. And I am still about ‘I’.

Then

June 16, 2001

Major beliefs that have shaped my life and been drilled into my head by my Mom and Dad: love one another; treat others as you want to be treated; do not judge; if you have something nice to say to someone then say it; and no one is better than you and you are no better than them; and finally, there but for the grace of God go I.

Now

January 26, 2010

These happen to be the same beliefs that I have drilled into my own children’s heads. I think they are good ones.

Then And Now

Then

January 5, 1998

It snowed all day. Mom called at 9 p.m. for Angelique to pick up Pepsi for Dad. I think it was pretty ridiculous that she had to get Pepsi at night in a snowstorm, with a car that has no winter tires. But did I say that, No! Would it have been disrespectful? ‘He preferred to be, rather than to seem good. ~~ Sallust 86-35 BC ~~’

Now

January 19, 2010

I would like Mom or Dad to call for anything and it would not be ridiculous; even in the shape I’m in now I would walk to get the Pepsi in a snowstorm.

Then

January 13, 1998

I was just talking to Mom and told her of a dream I had last night. In the dream I dreamt that Jacquie didn’t want Mom to see me anymore, so Mom asked me not to come around. I was so surprised that I struck my hand out and pushed her in the chest. So I told this to Mom and Mom says ‘Fuck that.’ I started laughing. Then Mom and I were both laughing and she said she won’t be around forever, and that she’ll die sometime. You can’t imagine how those words hit me. I couldn’t even believe my reaction. I started sobbing, almost as though my Mom had just died.

I told Mom that she is the person who gave me my wings, and that besides my children, she is the one person I love more than anyone in this world. I admire her so much. It seems that the older I get, and realize who she is as a woman; I admire and love her more.

I would say that my Mom is fair, loves children and they love her, truly believes that there is always room for one more and practices that. Kind, beautiful, in style, modern, gave me a love of music, open-minded, does not gossip, can keep a secret, tolerant, fun, strict, caring, strong, and much much more.

My Mom is not tolerant of liars, thieves, or fools. And if Mom has something to say, believe me, she will say it. She is also the best grandma in the world.

You can’t die Mom, because I couldn’t handle that. I love you!

Now

January 19, 2010

You are going to die Mom and I realize that because of you and how you have raised me; I will in fact be able to handle that.

Then

January 19, 1998

Angelique drove me to Mom and Dads. I went to clean out the storage room. Mom is getting a dresser and Good Will is coming tomorrow to get all the junk. It didn’t take too long and I was able to bring home a few pictures Mom and Dad gave me.

Now

January 19, 2010

Funny brought home a few more pictures just the other day when we were all cleaning out Mom’s apartment. And just as it was a breeze to do then, it was a breeze to do now.

Then

January 27, 1998

Mom is really upset. Gwen her best friend has cancer. Since Mary and Auntie Gloria have died, Gwen is her only good friend left. Jacquie and I went to Mom and Dad’s house so she could talk about Gwen. We played cards and when we left Mom said she would not be able to sleep that night.

Now

January 19, 2010

Mom is still here and I am still thankful. She has outlived her friends; I wish I could say the same about myself.

Then

January 30, 1998

Dad’s birthday today, so I bought him a t-shirt.

Now

January 19, 2010

My Dad would have been 84 on his birthday and I can tell you people if you don’t think smoking kills you would be wrong. It is the main contributing factor in my father’s death and it will be in my mothers.

Things In A Head

I want to be oblivious again and I can’t. I have been robbed of my naivety.

Flashbacks From The Month Of November

November 11, 2001

*I do consider myself successful and I believe that if other people were asked if they thought I was successful, they would say yes.

November 15, 2001

*I don’t believe that I judge others. I am very accepting of people. I don’t need a lot of attention from the people in my life. I feel happy and secure if I am by myself.

*I can keep a confidence and can trust Wahid, my kids, and my sisters Jacquie and Colette.

November 17, 2001

*I can be a master of diplomacy. I like looking at pictures and I enjoy listening to music and people speaking.

November 21, 2001

*Today is Wednesday which is the day I do Mom’s laundry, take her for groceries, and then we go wherever she wants. Mom had to get a blood test and x-rays. Then we went back to her house and Dad made breakfast.

*I would like to carry on the tradition of celebrating Christmas on Christmas Eve.

*I am closest to my sister Jacquie. We nurture these bonds by doing lots of things together and talking almost every day.

*I do harbor some resentment today but may not tomorrow.

November 5, 2002

*When all else fails, I try something else.

*I regret that I didn’t have a better education. I’m glad I didn’t give up easy. I would never give up on my marriage or my children.

*I would like to know my self more clearly. I would love my parents more dearly. I would follow my soul more nearly.

November 28, 2004

*I can look over what is going on in my life and take action where action is needed to reconnect with myself and be less stressed. Get rid of emotional loose ends.

*Charity begins at home but it doesn’t need to end there.

November 15, 2006

*Dr. Dubroska said there was already a change to the breast and arm. She said it was early to see a change. Said my blood is low, but it is best to hold out for a blood transfusion as long as I can as I get blood from multiple users and therefore I am getting their antibodies.

November 21, 2006

*Blood transfusion.

November 29, 2006

*Bone scan.

*Talked to Father Ron at Holy Family regarding my funeral. I also talked to Father Ron about the ‘Anointing of the Sick.’ I think in the new year I will have this sacrament done. He said I could also have it performed closer to my death as it is basically the ‘Last Rites’ as well.

*I have to contact a funeral home as well and then I will write it all down for my family.

Flash Forward

Life is a real mixed bag.

Josephine and Domenic are all over Mom and she is getting lots and lots of hugs. Mom is laughing and loving it. We go home and Josephine and I are playing in the yard and decide that we will go off on an adventure. So we start marching and singing in the tune of we are the people in your neighbourhood. “We are on an adventure in the neighbourhood, in the neighbourhood……..” We march down the street and see fairy trees and Santas on roofs and snowmen and reindeer and a pink ball in someone’s yard.

Later in the evening I phone my Mom and Shelly says ‘Mom has just gone to the hospital in an ambulance. Shelly picks me up a half hour later. My Mom has COPD and will need to stay in the hospital for a while until she is feeling better.

There are no perfect days any more, just perfect moments.

Moth Thoughts

Josephine and I played in the yard the other day and as she was going into her Dora/Diego ship that Jacquie bought her we saw a little moth fluttering at the door. I picked it up and put it in Josephine’s hands and she told it ‘Don’t be scared.’ It flew away and she was thrilled and so was I. Then her and I ran around the yard and pretended we were flying too. ‘Come on Grandma, fly!’

Flashbacks From The Month Of October

October 30, 2001

*The qualities I value in a friend are honesty, humour, spontaneity, and intelligence.

October 25, 2004

*God help me to know (really know) what a gift every single person and every single day is. God bless all of my family’s health God. God, thank you for letting me be born and have the pleasure of a wonderful family. Thank you for letting Wahid and I have our own wonderful family. Thank you for the warmth of the sun and the beauty of this earth.

October 18, 2006

*Dr. Dubroska said to stay on tamoxifen and radiation and see how it works.

October 26, 2006

*Blood transfusion.

Flash Forward

And fly I did and fly I will with Josephine supplying me with wings.

Old Nights

Now that I know that nothing is important except love and the people we love, I am going to check out what I thought was a big deal.

Flashbacks From The Month Of September

September 21, 2002

*If I only had a deeper belief in myself.

*If my spirits get dampened, they get dampened by me.

September 15, 2003

*If someone asked me what dreams and desires I have that are unlived I would have to say all of them. I need to try to find out what they are and then not let them be buried. Find them and then work on making them real and know that I can only depend on myself to make them real.

September 22, 2003

*Physically I can’t freely do the things that I think I would like to do, when meanwhile when I could do them I didn’t anyway.

*Emotionally getting older makes me appreciate being younger but makes me upset that I didn’t appreciate and live fully all my days. On the other hand it tells me that life is short and there is not much time left so instead of regretting what I didn’t do at 47; when I’m 80. Do what I want because there really is only so much time and all we have is right now.

*Getting older affects me spiritually by pushing me not to just go through the motions of life, like the spinner in a wash cycle, but to consciously get the best out of each day with some emotion attached to my life. I realize that I go through life with next to no feelings. Spiritually I’m dissatisfied and I know it is my own fault.

*Valuable lessons that life has taught me is that you have to put something (emotion) into life to get back anything in return. People can give you all kinds of great feelings and positive things to say to you, but if you never had any investment in them it means absolutely nothing, even though they are giving you all of this heart-felt emotion. Their feelings were real and valuable and mine were worth nothing because they never had any feelings attached to them. I’ve wasted their time because they may as well have been praising or thanking a stone.

*Life truly is not a spectator sport. I want myself and my children to have a real life. It’s okay to get hurt, at least it is real.

*I have no age mentors and nobody’s path to maturity has inspired me, although younger people (Angelique, Nadalene, and Nathan) inspire me to be a participant in life.

September 23, 2003

*Who am I: someone who feels sorry for herself; someone who is disappointed, someone who doesn’t know how to move forward; a Mom, a member of a family, someone other than who people think I am; someone who is lonely, someone who wants no one; a slug. Who am I: someone with ideas without the stamina to follow through; someone who is too easy on herself; someone who is too hard on herself; an excellent communicator to people who don’t matter to me; a poor communicator. Who am I: a Mom; a person in a marriage where there is zero or next to zero companionship; a person who will do nothing to change it for a variety of reasons (probably none of them good enough.)

September 5, 2005

*Thank you God for giving me the ability to choose to be happy, to look at the positive; to see beauty around me; to have a good husband and to have the power to change what I don’t like about myself. To see the up-side of life.

*Bring a positive spin and not a victim spin. I definitely put a victim spin on things because it is easier than having to learn what I really want. Easier too, than having to work for anything.

*Every day, every minute is new. Choice. Making a choice is big, even if it is for the smallest thing.

*Gratitude. Appreciation. Identify – learn – act. I do clutch at joyous experiences rather than experience them. I need to be present in the moment. Be real. Breath!

September 13, 2006

*Dr. Grenier said although there were some good results on Taxotere, it was not working on my breast and underarm lymph nodes. The MRI showed cancer on the nerves and that is why my hand is numb. She has stopped chemo and Herceptin immediately. She started me on Tamoxifen today. She has referred me to Dr. Akra (radiation oncologist). I see him Wednesday. God, I am in your hands.

September 20, 2006

*Dr. Akra will be doing radiation on underarm and breast. It should be five days a week for 20 days. He does not want to do my back yet, as you can only get so much radiation in an area.

September 21, 2006

*Blood transfusion.

Flash Forward

Life is a learning experience. Life is very, very good. Make sure your heart is open and never miss the chance (and there will be many) to let someone know you care about them.

Nothing Important

Years ago Wahid and I were talking and I said to him “You have never seemed to care what other people think of you.” He said ‘That is because I look at myself from the inside out, not the outside in.’

Stay focused on what is important.

Flashbacks From The Month Of August

August 11, 2002

*I would rate my body esteem a ‘3’. I have taken all of my cultures body messages to heart. I need to stop buying into society’s attitude and start buying into self-acceptance.

*I am not trying to stop time as far as my body goes. I spend no money and no time on keeping myself looking young.

August 21, 2002

*I do not covet other people’s lives.

August 13, 2003

*I do absolutely no exercise and I don’t feel connected to my own body. I need to add activities to my life.

August 4, 2004

*If I believed that I was feeding my soul and not just my body I would be more aware of what I am putting into it. I would never just jam my soul with just anything like I do with my body.

August 6, 2006

*Blood transfusion.

August 16, 2006

*Dr. Dubroska gave me the results of the CT scan. Good – great news. Cancer is no longer in the lungs. Cancer is no longer in the glands in the sternum. Improvement in bones everywhere, except Nodule 9 in the back. No change to the breast area and wondering if I should start radiation but she decided I needed to keep on the chemo instead.

Flash Forward

Seems so funny to me now that I ever gave a shit about that crap.

What a huge waste. Invest your life energy on the people you love because in the end they are all that matter.

Thoughts From Then

I was happy and for the most part I knew it.

Flashbacks From The Month Of July

July 3, 2003

*I am happy in the direction my energy is flowing. Physically sex excites and inspires me. Emotionally my family (my husband and children) excite and inspire me. Intellectually books and conversations excite and inspire me. Spiritually a beautiful flower, a blue sky, and my children excite and inspire me. Financially getting out of debt and having a savings account excites and inspires me.

*For these things all to happen more often I need to get off the speedway and relax more. Devote more time to outside the house.

*Things that steal my life energy are worries regarding family’s health, my weight, and the way I shut down. I could help clear these situations up by living one day at a time, and deal with health concerns when they come up, lose weight and be more active, and open up in my dialogue (if pissed off then state why and say what I want). People are not mind readers.

July 14, 2004

*Is it really possible that Angelique will be married in three days? Amazing!

*We went to Hafeez and Deb’s wedding and had such a wonderful time. Wait, I am going to keep this journal an ‘I’ journal. Therefore, I had a wonderful time and I danced all night.

*I believe that old men would differ about what they like about being male than younger men.

*Wahid gives me love and comfort and companionship. Nathan gives me love, a smile, joy, and stress.

*Dad gives me my social skills, the gift of the gab, and warnings of laziness; he also reminds me to keep your mind active. Dad has strongly influenced my life by helping me to be the person I am. He naturally would as he is my parent. He has taught me social skills and an acceptance of people, he has also drilled into me ‘that every situation can be handled no matter what; when the going gets tough, the tough get going.’ Dad has taught me to be self-reliant.

*Wahid is probably the man who has influenced my life the most. We have been married for 29 years and have during this time, been intimate sexually and mentally, and sometimes we have been one and not the other. But through it all Wahid’s kindness, patience, and genuine understanding have made me kinder, more patient, and more understanding. I think for a long time, and I mean until just recently, I never truly got Wahid.

*I would get frustrated because I expected him to be a certain way and he never was. Now I truly love and get him for who he is, not for what I thought he should be. Also, now I see I would not have wanted him to be other than who he is. He is better than anything I could have hoped for in my dreams. I love and admire him.

*My Dad’s best friend, my Uncle Matt also had an influence on me when I was a child. In a family of 13 children he always made me feel special and loved. He was Dutch and kind and soft-spoken.

*I think life is perfect because men are in it. I like that they are who they are.

*Because of my father’s rules and example, I feel I can do anything I want to do as long as it is legal and as long as it doesn’t hurt other people.

*In some strange way I feel a sense of entitlement. I feel smart and well liked and that there is no one I can’t win over in a social context. I believe I can have fun while at the same time never losing sight of keeping myself in control.

*My parents never fought in front of us kids.

July 26, 2004

*I have some wonderful gifts, one of which is appreciating people and letting them know how happy I am that they are here. Validation is a gift. I have this gift. Love myself and believe in me. Validate my own self.

July 27, 2004

*If I pulled out all the stops I would be the me I know I could be. When I’m in my full power, I am able to bring joy; I am able to fully appreciate myself and other people around me. When I am in my full power, there is nothing I wouldn’t be able to do.

*To defuse stress I need to realize what I have control over and do something about it and realize what I have no control over and let it go. Act when I need to act but don’t anticipate negative things.

July 14, 2005

*Five opinions I have that I am not willing to compromise on are:

-- Regardless of creed or colour all people are created equal.

-- Take people as you find them; not as others tell you they are.

-- Everyone has a right to be heard.

-- I don’t believe that if other people don’t believe in Jesus/God that they won’t see God/Heaven or an equivalent.

-- There are many paths to the same God.

*To fully express my own desires I need to be more selfish. You know, having written this I remind myself that life is about balance, and I do express my own desires and I do live my life reflecting someone else’s priorities.

*It can’t only be about me and at the same time, it can’t only be about others. I count and the other people I care about count. It never has to be at the expense of either me or them losing themselves.

*When something goes wrong I turn to my family.

*Seven of the most beautiful sights I’ve ever seen are:

-- The faces of my children and Wahid.

-- The ocean in Tobago.

-- The island of Mykanos in Greece.

-- Angelique on her wedding day.

-- The sky – morning, noon, or evening.

-- When I first met (laid eyes on) my children.

-- Helping Angelique get her classroom ready.

*How come I’m 49 and I don’t have many (at least 49) joyful moments. I think I am always on; always guarded. Guarded against what? Looking the fool; not having a tight control of myself? What’s up?

*I’m questioning whether I am just thankless? I need to teach myself to find joy, not to wait for it to find me.

July 5, 2006

*Our anniversary spent having a blood transfusion.

July 14, 2007

*I am grateful to Wahid for putting his family above everything; respect he has always shown me; hard work he does to support our family; showing me a man with tremendous character; for my beautiful children; and trying because life is hard sometimes.

Flash Forward

I am happy and for the most part I know it.

Recollections Of Other Corners

How our thoughts would be so different if we knew what was waiting for us around the corner, if we knew then what we know now.

Flashbacks From The Month Of June

June 4, 2001

*It is very easy for me to let go of my desires, harder for me to let go of resentment, anger, and easy to let go of my frustrations. I think I probably hold on to pride somewhat to make myself feel good about anything I can be proud of.

*I am spontaneous, but not creative. I definitely deny things about situations that are serious, such as illness, if it was a slight against me or nothing that would mean anything, I would not be in denial, I just wouldn’t care less.

*I use words to encourage people. I use words to complement people. I use words to get a message across. I believe that people around me are positively affected by me.

June 11, 2001

*It is unhealthy to keep giving up on myself – almost as if I wasn’t worth the effort.

*I show Wahid that I trust and support him by touching him every day – our hands will touch, we will touch, I believe this comforts both of us. It is a steady, consistent love that I know is and will always be there.

*I depend on myself to fix my life. I have great instincts and I believe myself to be very intuitive. I trust myself.

June 16, 2001

*Five things I would not change about my life are being married to Wahid; having children; coming from a big family; being a reader; and being compassionate.

*Five memories I am most grateful for are:

Angelique and I going alone on a trip to Trinidad and she was so excited – I can actually see her face right now.

Nadalene playing hairdresser and exercise teacher with me and Wahid – the cutest thing is she took it so seriously. Nadalene has always actually envisioned what she does so well, that we almost believed we were in a hairdresser’s shop.

Nathan and I going every Saturday morning to rent a Nintendo game and to get hockey cards – he always said we were going on our date and he would hold the car door open for me and say ‘after you Madam.’

Being a little girl watching Mom, Dad, Nana, Uncle Matt, and the older kids playing poker every Sunday night.

Whenever the new Sears catalogue would come before Christmas, Mom would call me to her bedroom and let me sit on the bed with the blankets over me and I would get to take the catalogue out of the paper and look at it for hours. I was always the first to open it and Mom would give me her ‘medicine’ which was a Black Magic chocolate.

June 21, 2001

*The good things I’m overlooking in my life are I’m alive; my family; nature; and every day.

June 16, 2002

*Words and pictures that appeal to me are: fairies; happy; dreamy; gardens; black and white; kilts; lovers; water; sky; elephants; giraffes; teenagers; hope; joy; peace; God; Christmas; Sweet Prince; Snow White; planets; and kisses and hugs; and Good Night God Bless You.

June 9, 2003

*I prefer that Wahid really love me the way he loves me, rather than the way I would love me if I were him. I’m not wanting and expecting the wrong thing, but I am failing to recognize what he gives me. Sometimes I think I want something from him that he just doesn’t have.

June 3, 2004

*My body is a victim of wishful thinking.

*I think I treat my body like a pack mule. Just put up with whatever and take it.

June 17, 2004

*The question I wanted answered at the beginning of these personal reflections was to see if I have grown as a person. The answer of course is not as simple as one may think. I have grown and I have not grown. I am strong and weak. Secure and insecure. Happy and not so happy. Satisfied and dissatisfied. Maybe this is what it is to be human, to be a mixture of all of these things and more at the same time. Feeling one way and then the other way seconds apart. Anyway overall I do not feel I have grown as a person.

*I need dreams, desires, goals. I need to stop being disappointed in myself and to look at myself when I am disappointed in my family and see if I’m not just disappointed in myself by proxy.

*I need to stop being afraid to fail. So what, you fall – get back up.

*Learn to take risks. Do more things I enjoy and enjoy the things I do. Remember that comfort is not always a good thing. Status quo has nothing going for it. Be curious.

*Choose life over apathy.

June 5, 2006

*Blood transfusion.

June 7, 2006

*Surprised mostly to see the cancer has spread to my lungs and there is a tumor on my kidney. Bone scan showed problems in my shoulders, knees, and ribs. Palliative chemotherapy is how they describe my treatment. I know I have cancer. I know I’ll die.

*I am more resilient than I think. I have cancer and plan to survive it. I never realized how hard and how okay it is to face your mortality. There is such a ‘don’t want to leave my family’ and also a ‘peace’ or maybe a better word is ‘acceptance.’ And even then; acceptance as a last resort.

*Acceptance so that I can have peace.

*I have the best family and with their love and support I am able to still be true to myself (so far) in this battle.

*How funny that no matter what, you have to put one foot in front of the other.

June 11, 2006

*I love Colette.

June 18, 2006

*Now that I have cancer I know I’m surprised that I would have thought I had any real problems.

*I need to learn that health of the spiritual and mental is even more important. I can be ill and at the same time be well.

June 21, 2006

*Dr. Dubroska increased my Taxotere (chemo).

Flash Forward

I’m around the corner now with more corners to go and you know what, my thoughts are relatively the same in the area of small concerns. They are different in the way that now I see how many of them are such a waste of time.

*artwork by Johanna Wright

The Writings On The Wall

Funny how the things you thought were something end up being nothing; vapor and dust and smoke and mirrors.

Flashbacks From The Month Of May

May 20, 2001

*Nathan had his Grade 12 Graduation on May 9, 2001. We had a family party for him before his convocation and everyone came, he received a lot of presents, we took lots of pictures and he was very gracious to everyone. I am very proud of him, and of how all of my children handle social situations.

*I am happy to be alive so that I can enjoy going out with my daughters.

*I don’t feel that I have missed out on anything because I was afraid of what others would think if I stepped out ahead of them, because I don’t feel I considered what other people would think of me, their opinion does not matter to me at all.

*If this was my last year, these are some of the things I would do:

-- Meet with all of the people who are important to me (separately and at different times) and let them know why I value them.

-- Go on a family holiday to a beautiful island with Wahid, Angelique, Nadalene and Nathan and stay there as long as we could afford too.

-- Have private conversations with my children, letting each of them know how wonderful, unique, and special they are to me.

-- I would organize all my papers and money so that my family wouldn’t have to deal with it.

-- I would live my life to the fullest everyday and I would go to bed each night feeling satisfied that I had left no stone unturned.

-- I would be curious.

-- And last but not least I would find out why I only had a year left to me and I would find a cure for what ailed me so I could continue to live. If I could not find a cure, I would try to be at peace as much as possible and get ready for the next step in my evolution.

-- Most importantly I would live in the moment by living my life consciously.

*I think I imagined living in our own house meant that I would be happy every day, and that the house would always look wonderful. I definitely thought I would be happier having our own house, and 20 years later I know that in fact I am happier that we have our own house.

*When we hit bumps in the road, like loss of a job, we just tried harder. ‘When the going gets tough, the tough get going.’

*I would definitely tell someone if they were important to me, even if I wasn’t important to them.

*One way I am robbing myself of joy is by focusing my attention on my weight, and therefore not going out as much as I would like to because I don’t feel confident in myself. This must change because I am robbing myself of happiness.

*I have to remind myself that in a blink of the eye, time is gone and I can’t get it back.

*Wahid is the person in my life that gives me the most contentment. I do depend more on my children to bring me satisfaction than I depend on myself to go out and get my own satisfaction. I have to learn to get some satisfaction that does not revolve around what my children are doing.

*Nadalene wrote in my journal ‘Kids + Chaos = No Romance’.

*I am so willing to live without a lot of things. There really is very little I desire.

*One thing I feel must happen in my life is that I raise three honest, dependable, happy, fun-loving, caring, kind, productive, and respectful open-minded, non-judgmental adults. If my children aren’t this way, I will be able to move forward. But I would not stop trying to make them good people.

*I think I am definitely attached to what people I care about think of me. But if I don’t care about them, then what they think of me is not important to me. I believe I can let go of the need for approval of what other people think of me, as a matter of fact, I have already let go of it.

May 13, 2002

*I believe that in my closest relationships we are a partnership of equals.

*I don’t think freedom means doing anything you want at the expense of others. If I feel like slapping someone, it would not be a freedom to just go ahead and do it.

May 25, 2002

*I think restraint is important in all relationships whether it be with husband, children, family or friends. Not everything you feel at a time needs to be said.

*I think being open-minded is a strength. I am willing to modify my position on an issue after learning more about something. ‘It’s okay to make a first impression, but you don’t have to marry it.’

May 30, 2003

*Angelique won an award from the Government of France for ‘French in Education.’

*I would never want to be in an unbalanced relationship where one person has power over another, nor would I want to be the person yielding the power. To have balance you need respect from all parties.

*Perspective – overall, I am satisfied with my life. I don’t have any burning desires. I don’t have any amends to make. I do have some regrets; some what-ifs?

*I definitely deal with frustration by withdrawal. I keep them to myself. I am a minimizer. I believe Wahid is also a minimizer. Because we are the same we have very little conflict.

May 24, 2004

*Time spent with family is a necessity for me. Time spent with friends is a luxury.

May 31, 2004

*I am trying to think when I felt really happy about the day ahead of me. I can’t really remember what it was like not to have worries, but I’d sure like to be carefree again.

*In six months from now I picture my life to be the same and it makes me feel overwhelmed, but at the same time I hope to God that there is nothing worse on my plate.

May 23, 2005

*My relationship with Wahid is going well because we respect each other. We have a shared history. When I forget, he can speak my memories (his words). My relationship with my children is going well because we respect each other. I enjoy my children. Their dreams are my dreams. They want for me what I want for them.

*It is definitely not a matter of time for me. It is a matter of will. When it comes to changes in my life, I am my biggest obstacle.

*The five ugliest things I say to myself are: loser; fat; basically I probably only use those two things to say to myself, but even then, very rarely. I sometimes feel sorry for myself by thinking I should have more money, have more things done around the house. I’m grateful and ungrateful.

May 29, 2005

*I live in the comfortable and familiar rather than challenge myself in the exotic and exciting.

*I am afraid of losing face. A dish of pride anyone?

*I won’t sacrifice my life for anyone. I am independent and don’t like anyone to be dependant on me. They can depend on me; they just can’t be dependant on me.

May 9, 2006

*Had blood transfusions yesterday. No boost of energy!

*Mom is a great older woman role model in many ways. Even on oxygen she is always game to go out and do something. Mom is alive until she is not.

May 15, 2006

*I really don’t have disagreements with people because I am quite comfortable with their opinion being different from mine. I agree to agree to disagree. I am not threatened by other’s opinions.

May 20, 2006

*Today was a pleasure to hold Hafeez’s baby. Pleasure must be a state of mind; a state of awareness in the moment.

*I don’t relish anything. I need to change my attitude and perspective on things.

May 24, 2006

*Dr. Dubroska felt chemo is working on the bone marrow as platelets are going up. She told me not to go for massage as it can spread cancer in blood stream as it is close to the surface. They made appointment for bone scan. Cancer is estrogen/progesterone driven.

May 4, 2007

*FEC first cycle. I am afraid, but so far so good as far as feeling sick.

Flash Forward

Everything is an illusion after all. It is vapor and dust and smoke and mirrors. However, the love one feels is always true.

April Showers

April, like September always feels like a fresh start for me. April, like September are the months that I feel things are winding down and starting up.

Flashbacks From The Month Of April

April 3, 2006

*Started art therapy and I think I will really like it. There is another lady in the group who has Inflammatory Breast Cancer. It is so rare that I have never met anyone else with it. Her name is Pat and she is so sweet. She told me that she has survived it for five years and that there was no reason that I couldn’t too.

April 5, 2006

*Stress reduction class.

April 6, 2006

*Started yoga class and there are about 30 people in the room. I really like it.

April 10, 2006

*Had another blood transfusion at St. Boniface Hospital.

April 26, 2006

*They had a hard time getting blood so the nurse had to shorten the blue tubing on my PICC line.

*Dr. Grenier determined that the chemo treatment was not working as well as it should be so is increasing the strength of the Taxotere. The cancer is going up from my breast higher up the chest and more under the arm pit. I am praying to God this will work better.

April 28, 2006

*It is Nathan’s birthday tomorrow so I hope I feel well enough.

Flash Forward

It is Nathan’s birthday tomorrow and thank you God, I do feel well enough.

Spinning Spring

I thought I would recognize it when I found it. Spring is hopeful and depressing at the same time.

Flashbacks From The Month Of March

March 20, 2005

*When I grew up my parent’s financial situation seemed an all or nothing affair. We either had or we didn’t. I didn’t really notice not having, but at the same time there were times we didn’t have. The prevailing attitude about money was when you had it, you spent it, when you didn’t have it; you tightened your purse strings. I think what was positive about my family’s values regarding money; was they weren’t afraid to spend it. What was negative was they weren’t afraid to spend it.

*I liked that my parents would spend the money and have it provide luxuries, but I don’t think they worried about a rainy day. On the other hand, I’m glad they weren’t frozen with fear regarding only rainy days.

March 21, 2005

*Digging for the truth: I almost know who I am. I almost feel happy. I am tired of hiding my emotional failure with my weight from myself.

*There is nothing that I pretend never happened.

*Know what you really know; feel what you really feel; and say what you really mean.

March 3, 2006

*Mugga scan. Had chemo and also started a new drug for calcium replacement. The new drug ‘Pamidronite’ is given in my PICC. My chemo is Docetaxel (Taxotere).

March 10, 2006

*Went in for chemo but platelets were too low. Chemo postponed. However, excited I did receive Herceptin. Maximum dose for 1.5 hours. Will be getting blood transfusions on Thursday.

March 15, 2006

*Went to see Dr. Akra (radiologist) for my bone cancer. Cancer is on nodule 9 in spine. Told me not to bend or lift anything and to use common sense. I went for x-rays to determine the exact location. Radiation and chemo don’t happen at the same time so for now I will need to continue with chemo.

March 16, 2006

*I went to the Health Sciences for two more units of blood for a transfusion.

March 22, 2006

*Went to see Dr. Dubroska – waste of time, she checked me over than left. Wahid and I sit there for another 20 minutes until I go in the hall and ask a nurse if she is coming back. The nurse said no, that she was finished. I said, well next time, maybe she should think of telling me that.

March 22 and 29, 2006

*Went to stress reduction/relaxation support group where I met Jill, Angie and Helen. It was emotional but good.

March 31, 2006

*First time I have had taxotere, pamidronite, and herceptin all together. Felt aches and pains.

March 28, 2007

*Happy Birthday to me!

*Don’t think the xeloda is working because of the evidence of the skin cancer. I will see the doctor on Monday.

*I am 51 years old today and I am thankful to be here. Angelique will be having her baby soon; Nathan will be graduating with his Arts Degree in Philosophy; and Nadalene will be getting married. I will be here. I will be happy.

*Fear is the mind killer. When I start to fear I try to live in the ‘now’ and it helps.

*Physical attributes of fear for me are a rock in my stomach, headache, wanting to shut down and not be here.

*Mental attributes of my fear are depression, trapped; wanting to close my eyes and pretend it will be gone, deep sadness, a sense of failure.

*I am not alone, even if I feel that I am.

Flash Forward

I just turned 53 and I had the most amazing birthday. I am still alive. I am still here. I am still able to love. I am still able to cherish.

Don’t ever give up.

Fables I Tell

On a cold winter day in February I was told I would die sooner than later.

Flashbacks From The Month Of February

February 14, 1998

*Wahid bought shrimp to make me a valentine dinner. Yummy!

*Nadalene is flying to Amsterdam today; she will be there for five days. It would be so nice to start all over and to go to all these places. I think Angelique must be on her way home because she said she would be home Saturday or Sunday. Of course I hope Saturday. Nathan got so many valentine presents from Natalie that you would have thought it was Christmas.

*My tulips that I got from Angelique for valentines have opened up to (no joke) the size of my hand. They are beautiful.

February 28, 1998

*Mom and Dad’s 53rd anniversary and Natalie’s 17th birthday.

*Wahid and I went to Maximes for lunch ($15). I think that was the first time in 22 years we spontaneously just went out and it was great.

February 2, 2004

*I’m in my future.

*Wahid and I went to see Lord of the Rings on Saturday and then went out for supper for Thai food. I really enjoyed myself.

*On Friday, Angelique, Nadalene, and I went to meet with the florist to arrange for flowers for the wedding, July 17th will be here before I know it.

*So far 2004 is a year of travel for the Khan family. Wahid went to Trinidad on January 1st. Nadalene went to Cuba on January 6th, and Nathan went to Germany on January 17th. Angelique, Nadalene and I are going to Banff for a Leadership Challenge on February 12th.

*I just wondered what is inside me. I list events but not feelings. I know I am at peace, but am I stagnant? I feel happy. Run with that….. Weird.

*This year I will know Wahid and he will know me. I will do this by changing unproductive behaviours/traps. We will go out together, talk to each other, and love one another.

*My oldest daughter is getting married to a wonderful man ‘Don.’ This makes me feel that I want my marriage to be all it can be.

*My marriage is great but I know that if I really gave myself to it and didn’t hold back so much it would even be better. I want to know Wahid’s soul.

*An inner strength I need to unleash is an ability to change. Comfort is great, but change is needed when the comfort is unhealthy, i.e. eating habits/food choices; inactive/sitting. Maybe too much of a good thing really is too much of a good thing. The smallest change in perspective can transform a life.

*In some ways I have outgrown my life. My friends and siblings and parents can bore me.

February 11, 2004

*I think I am the real thing. I definitely have sides of me where I’m not as authentic (God, I hate that word) as I need to be, but that is me too. So, yes, I am the real thing.

*My love and attention need to be a little less on the children and a little more on Wahid; a little/lot less on housework/dinners and more on family and friends. Maybe need to read less! Yikes!

*I do not envy people who have true love. They would have nothing I don’t already have. I do need to build on the love I have for Wahid more by concentrating more on us, and less on the kids. The kids are older and are all fine.

*I need to make the transition from mother to wife. Make us as a couple important. Real love means to me – mutual respect, wanting the other person to be as fulfilled as you are.

February 1, 2006

*Ultrasound and biopsy.

February 8, 2006

*Dr. Gillespie gives me positive results for Inflammatory Breast Cancer.

February 9, 2006

*St. Boniface calls me to start a file.

February 12, 2006

*Limbo.

*Start my periods.

February 13, 2006

*St. Boniface called and I went in for a blood test.

February 15, 2006

*Wahid and I meet Dr. Grenier (my oncologist) for the first time. I have questions and a recorder to tape conversation.

*Dr. Grenier tells me that Dr. Shojania (my hematologist) is going to come in right away to do a bone marrow biopsy. My blood counts are a concern at 80 and 87. He extracts bone marrow and needs three samples but is only able to get two; he tells me I have too much fat on my body.

*I get more blood tests and one is for a cross match for a transfusion. My blood type is A positive.

*Dr. Grenier tells me that at the end of January my platelets were 166 and that they are now at 80.

February 16, 2006

*Went in for a blood transfusion to receive two bags of blood. After nine attempts on arms and hands they call Dr. Shojania and he tells them ‘Keep trying, she has to have that blood.’ They finally get the needles in my feet after three tries. Wahid is holding my hand and I am just crying.

February 20, 2006

*CT scan on neck, chest, and abdomen. Once again can not get needle in for dye and told that they would need to keep trying. Gets it in on the sixth try while I just sit there crying.

February 21, 2006

*Went in for PICC with Dr. Brown (later see on TV being tried in Florida for child pedophilia) by ultrasound, he did it three times and it did not go in. Very discouraged and arms bruised with pockets of blood up to my elbow. The nurse tries to talk to me but I can’t answer because I feel like such a failure; she pats my back.

February 22, 2006

*Dr. Grenier tells me that the cancer is Stage 4 and it is in my bone marrow, bones, lung, breast, and skin. Completely shocked. Angelique brought us all alive again with her knowledge and wise words. Went for a bone scan in nuclear medicine (again cannot get needle in).

February 24, 2006

*Went in for PICC with Dr. Lawrence and it was in within minutes. He was a fantastic guy.

*Started chemo (Docetaxel = Taxotere).

February 4, 2007

*My kids have become a lot closer to Colette this past year. I know it is because they see how much she is there for me. Jacquie of course is beyond the beyond.

February 5, 2007

*I went and bought some baby things yesterday.

February 7, 2007

*Bummed out today as noticed six new cancer spots along my lower back.

*Exciting! Angelique, Don and I went to get their baby furniture and it is absolutely beautiful. They bought a sleigh crib and a sleigh dresser in antique white. They also bought a yellow and white glider.

*Angelique, Nadalene and Nathan are made of the most incredible strength!! Incredible. Loving, caring, compassionate, wise, open, helpful, sympathetic, generous, and strong. I really would not be where I am spiritually and emotionally if it were not for them. They are my best support group. They reflect back to me that Wahid and I must have done lots of things right. I love you all so much!

*Mom and Dad have been wonderful and have not tried to minimize my disease. By seeing it for what it is keeps me strong because I don’t feel that they have tried to keep me under a gag order. We are able to keep it real.

Flash Forward

A pivotal time that changes a life. My world has changed and it has hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. I coped by putting one foot in front of another, as well as denial (denial can be a very good thing). Maybe denial is not the right word, after all chemo was happening and you cannot ignore that, no matter how you try.

I tried to see the chemo as a positive, like suffer now with chemo, but in the long run save you life and give you more time. I do not see this change as an opportunity of any kind. This does not redefine me nor do I see this as a positive in any way. It does not make me stronger; as a matter of fact it lessens who I am.

*artwork by Rima from the Hermitage

Reflections On Cold Nights

Like a newborn baby, a new year always felt like a fresh start. It has always felt like a gift somehow. Anything could be possible.

Flashbacks From The Month Of January

January 2, 1998

*Nadalene is getting ready to go to Mexico.

January 3, 1998

*Still haven’t heard from Nadalene. Angelique went to Don’s and Nathan went to Kevin’s. Wahid was home, but you may as well say I was home alone. I’m in a shitty mood.

January 5, 1998

*I miss Nadalene already. It snowed all day. Mom called at nine for Angelique to pick up Pepsi for Dad. I think it was pretty ridiculous that she had to go get Pepsi at night in a snowstorm, with a car that has no winter tires.

January 8, 1998

*Wahid apologized for calling me lazy. I accepted the apology. Nana once told me that all a person can say is ‘I’m sorry.’

January 9, 1998

*The best is yet to be, and that is Nadalene getting home from Mexico tonight or early tomorrow.

January 13, 1998

*I was just talking to Mom, and I told her of a dream I had last night. In the dream; Jacquie didn’t want Mom to see me anymore, so Mom asked me not to come around. I was so surprised that I struck my hand out and pushed her in the chest. I told this to Mom and she said ‘Fuck that.’ Mom said she won’t be around forever and that she’ll die sometime. You can’t imagine how those words hit me. I couldn’t even believe my reaction. I started sobbing, almost as though Mom just died.

*I told Mom that she was the person who gave me my wings and that besides my children she is the one person I love more than anyone in this world. I admire her so much.

*It seems that the older I get, and realize who she is as a woman; I admire and love her more. I would say that my Mom is fair, loves children and they love her, truly believes that there is always room for one more and practices that, kind, beautiful, in style, modern, gave me a love of music, open-minded, does not gossip, can keep a secret, tolerant, fun, strict, caring, strong, and much much more. My Mom is not tolerant of liars, thieves, or fools. And if Mom has something to say, believe me, she will say it. She is also the best grandma in the world.

January 15, 1998

*Feeling depressed. Feeling confused. I am eating butter tarts. Does it make you feel better? NO! ‘AAAAAHHHH’

January 17, 1998

*I wanted Nadalene to keep driving, she could tell and said ‘Do you want me to keep going to Mexico?’ I said no kidding. I’m in a furious mood, I feel like I could rip somebody’s head off.

January 18, 1998

*I’m in a much better frame of mind. Honestly, Renee, get your act together.

*I typed out Angelique’s thesis for her Honors’ Degree.

January 1, 2001

*I can’t believe the date ‘2001’ it seems so futuristic.

*Diary is my generational word, but I know everyone now uses the word journal.

January 2, 2001 (two thousand and one)

*I am grateful that I like my children and I like my husband.

*It is 7:31 p.m. and I am in bed, I started my periods today, and I both look and feel like death warmed over (is that right, Mom always says that and now that I’ve written it out, I don’t know what it means). Anyways, I’m exhausted. I always feel like I do nothing for me, but I just realized I said ‘I’ 13 times in this short block of sentences.

January 5, 2001

*When I got married I was totally unsure where I was headed. I lived unconsciously, just making sure I kept putting one foot in front of the other. I have a happy marriage, and now after being married 25 ½ years, I realize how important it is to keep doing what you need to do for yourself, your husband, and your children. What I have learnt though is I should, and will do from now on, have taken the time to live in the present moment. In other words, if you’re sad, it is okay to feel it. If you’re happy, it is okay to feel it. In retrospect, what I realize that I gained most from this journey was the journey itself. In other words, where you are going may not be as important as how you get there.

January 7, 2001

*Harry came over and spent about four hours fixing the computer and it is now working perfect. I appreciate it very much, as I know how everyone’s time is precious to them. I realized today that there is only one letter separating Happy from Harry.

*Today I am grateful for my brother Harry. He is very smart. I would be interested in knowing what he thinks about. He is very private. I hope my kids know more about each other and can talk to each other about anything. Anyways, I’m grateful to Harry and grateful for Harry.

January 8, 2001

*Blah! Good night, God bless you.

*Nadalene is getting her application ready to apply for City Planning. I am so proud of her, I really don’t know how she can be so focused and she is also very hardworking. She does really well at school. Nadalene definitely gets being focused from the Khan side of the family. It is not a Ste. Marie trait, at least not one that I have. I get really interested in things but only for awhile.

*The personality trait I have that can be both good and bad is my ability to persuade people It is a positive trait when I use it for good, i.e., you’re a good person, all people are equal, when you hear something racist you must take a stand. On the other hand it is negative when I feel I am manipulating someone. Getting them to do what I want, and not taking their ‘yes or no.’ Not accepting that they can know what they want, when it may be different from what I want. When I know I’ve manipulated someone, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I (by the way) try never to do this.

January 13, 2001

*I really enjoyed my time with Angelique, she is brilliant.

January 15, 2001

*God do I ever sound like a bummer. I am grateful for . . . . still thinking . . . . my family.

January 17, 2001

*I wish I had the courage to . . . . look at my life . . . . know what I’m about . . . . to find myself . . . . have real relationships . . . . think and treat myself in a positive loving way . . . . say what I really feel . . . . do things for myself . . . . be a little selfish. Not a pretty picture, I sound like a jellyfish (no spine).

*I just realized that the list I just made about courage is all things I do have the courage to do. Now it is to make the effort.

January 23, 2001

*Happy birthday Gerry. I love my little brother.

*It has been six days since I last wrote (six days of pity for myself? Not convincing.)

*Charlton left for Africa yesterday, started crying because it was hard to see him go, no matter how happy I am for him to be able to have the opportunity.

January 4, 2003

*So very much has happened since I last wrote in this journal. The worst and saddest thing was that Charlotte died on December 10th.

*Nathan was Santa Claus for the first time ever and he did a completely amazing job.

*Drum roll please – the good big news of 2002. Angelique and Don got engaged on December 28th. The ring is amazing. The diamond sparkles, sparkles, sparkles. Really one of my happiest moments ever. By the way I couldn’t think of a more wonderful man for Angelique. My family is growing and I am so pleased.

*Financial fears: Wahid or I lose our jobs. One of us gets sick. No retirement income. No money to help our kids with school debt. No money to help them with their weddings.

January 12, 2003

*Wahid has been on holidays since the week before Christmas and we are really enjoying each other.

*Regarding my body – I do not take care of it at all. My body is neglected and weak. My stomach is huge, yesterday all I did was sit on the couch and eat junk. I’m not treating my body with love. I need to take control of what I’m eating; after all it doesn’t just fly into my mouth. I do have to use my hand to put it there.

*God is my spiritual anchor. I don’t think or do things that connect me with God enough in a day, but believe me, if I think anything is wrong I’m ‘God, God.’

January 13, 2003

*I think of myself as primarily being here for my children’s needs. Almost as if I always need to be ready in case they need me. They do not treat me as such; it is totally something I place on myself. So if I had to answer the question of ‘Who am I?’ I would say I am a person who is far more focused on my children than on myself.

*I want to be a person who is as interested in my own life as I am in my children’s. I believe I am here to make the world a better and more positive place. I am important because I am joyous. My mission is to make my family (and through them) optimistic and strong.

*I want to be here to enjoy my family and this glorious world. I definitely fear failure and that is why I take no risks. I need to feel secure. I could embrace change as an adventure if the change is done in baby-steps.

*The obstacle I see in my life is ‘stagnation – inert – laziness.’ I’m comfortable and I don’t want to be disturbed. ‘What, put on my shoes to go out!’ When I feel like this I am going to repeat the following mantra ‘Life is an adventure – go and be adventurous.’ In my life it is the lack of what I do that hurts me.

*Advice I would pass on to the next generation would be to respect each other, keep laughter and communication open and to treat the person you love the way you would want to be treated with integrity and kindness and to focus on all the positive things about your partner and not to focus on the negative, because life and love truly are a state of mind.

January 10, 2005

*I’m living in my own future.

*Wahid is definitely my main squeeze.

*I was only 19 when I became a mother so I don’t know if I had any goals and dreams that weren’t romantically-based as in married and children and living happily ever after. I believe my goals and my dreams I had at 19 have actually been fulfilled.

*Current events in the world interest me. Humanity interests me. My friends’ family interests me. History interests me. Teenagers interest me. Spirituality interests me.

January 19, 2005

*I have definitely not outgrown my life. When I was 20 I wanted to be a good mother and a good homemaker and I have achieved that. Funny or maybe not so funny, but my ambitions haven’t changed.

*I would like my life to still go forward by being an involved mother and a safe place for my family. My children are all wonderful functioning people and I believe that now I have more time to invest in Wahid and me.

*I’d really like Wahid to know me and for me to know him; warts and all. We are intimate on all levels but there is a part of both of us where we won’t let the other see our insecurities.

January ?, 2007

*Contemplation and preparation. I want to make changes so that I live a happy and productive life and don’t hide under the covers until I die.

*I want my last days to be uplifting and not to be lived unconsciously.

*What are my worries? What am I afraid of? Vulnerability; looking like a fool; unrequited emotions; not seeing my children married and with children; my family falling apart; being replaced.

Flash Forward

I see now that January is exactly what I always thought it was; a fresh start and a new place to begin. What I also see is that sometimes you have to leave the baggage at the end of the old year and not bring it in with you to the new one. It also helps to have love in your heart and to chance on a leap of faith.

In The Snow Are You Listening

If December is one thing to me, it is my oldest child's (Angelique) birthday. Christmas is a close second.

To be honest though (and you know I am to a fault) I haven’t especially enjoyed Christmas for a while, so to me it is funny that I am looking forward to it this year.

Flashbacks From The Month Of December

December 30, 2001

*I saw a blue jay in our tree the other day, surprising and pretty.

*We are going to celebrate Angelique’s birthday (December 31st) today because she is going out tomorrow and said it is too rushed to have to do both at the same time.

*Very nice Christmas, the kids were all happy with their gifts.

*In the new year I want to follow the old adage ‘If you can’t say anything nice….’ I also want to commit to tell no lies. The thing is I never really lie; it is more of ‘someone wants to come over to visit and I say I’m not going to be home.’ At 45-years old I should be able to say no without having to make up an excuse. I like my solitude. The key is to say no without being rude.

*I never express my dissatisfaction and I wonder why? Could it be that I never spend the time to figure it out. Instead I seem to find it easier to either get busy or get very frustrated. On the other hand I do believe that the more you self-analyze yourself the more neurotic you become.

*I want to stand for honesty and fresh ideas. To me truth means: trust, safety, unblemished, Wahid, Nadalene, Angelique, lack of fear, unquestioned, faith, doing God’s work, a form of understanding other people’s truth and perceptions. I also think that when there is no fear of getting in trouble for your actions then people tell the truth. When a child feels they may get a spanking or be in trouble they may avoid the consequences by telling a lie. Truth is a mature response.

December 31, 2001

*Happy Birthday Angelique – you are 26 years-old today, and I can’t believe how the time flew. My feelings for you can be best described in a quote that I read once ‘Your first child is a parent’s best intentions.’

*We missed Nadalene because she was in Pine Falls with Charlton, but when we came home for cake she was here, so that was very good.

*And now let us welcome the new year full of things that have never been. ~~ Rainer Maria Rilke ~~

*I believe that I live my truth and that I keep my word. Principles that I would never (never say never) compromise no matter what are loyalty and faithfulness.

*I am very tolerant of other people’s beliefs and cultures, as long as what they are doing is cultural/belief and not a crime. Example – female circumcision is a crime against a girl and is not a cultural thing no matter what people want you to believe. Saying it is cultural is a cop out (excuse). Saying Jesus is not the son of God is a belief held by millions of people around the world. I can respect their belief even though I disagree with it.

*I think I can speak my truth with grace and when someone disagrees with me I can accept that. I am a strong believer that ‘We can agree to disagree.’ I do give other people the room to speak their truth to me. In fact I am interested in what other people have to say.

December 9, 2002

*We had Wahid’s 50th surprise party at Angelique’s house. Angelique, Nadalene, and Nathan did a great job, the house was completely decorated tropical and we even had tall palm trees.

*Nadalene’s birthday was also excellent. First time Nadalene made her own birthday cake. Nadalene was 25. Apparently only once in your life will you be half your parents age. So Wahid is 50 and Nadalene is 25.

*I’m somewhat motivated to help others, but not enough to really put time into it.

December 19, 2006

*Sitting in a bed in St. Boniface Hospital having a blood transfusion (Bag 1 of 2). Lori the nurse just came in with the results from my CT scan (which I was afraid of) and said that they were great and that nothing had changed, so it looks like I can probably stay on Tamoxifen which is great news. Lungs are clean. I should be ecstatic!

*Angelique is pregnant!! She goes for her ultrasound on December 22nd. Angelique and I went and heard the baby’s heartbeat and it was awesome. The whole family is so very excited.

*Thank you God for all the wonderful things I know you have blessed me with.

*Nadalene is the name of my personal angel. What a wonderful caring girl she is. She is at home and is able to help me so much. As much as I love Nadalene being at home, I want her and Charlton to be able to move into their house so that she is not around the house and all the stress that the house can carry. I would rather cry by myself at home than make Nadalene feel so stressed.

*Wahid is of no help and no support. If I waited for support from him, I’d wait forever. I know I am just as guilty. Maybe it is just time to admit that there is no relationship left, both of our faults because we talk nothing over. Very immature style. We both pout and say nothing. I made this life and even though my life will be shortened by cancer I am still not willing to try to re-invent the wheel in this relationship.

*I am so pathetic sometimes. I can’t even be happy. I am such a loser! I need to work on making myself a better person. Be authentic! I said if the CT scan came back clean and I could stay on Tamoxifen I would be through the moon. I am! I need to be more thankful.

*Angelique and the baby are great. Focus on the positive.

*Depression is not a hole I want to go down.

*And did you get what you wanted from this life, even so? At this point in my life I will say that I definitely did not get what I wanted in this life. I would have made changes; I would be a better mother.

*I lie to myself on a regular basis.

*So besides my children whom I love, I did not get what I wanted from this life. I still have life ahead of me though, so I have more opportunity to get what I want from this life.

*In the end, I am the only one accountable. I need to get a reign on being bitter and angry. At this age I wish I was not having cancer. I wish I was more honest and that I was living a better life.

*I now see how important it is to volunteer, donate blood, give to others, and not just wrap yourself in your own family. How does Nadalene at 29 know this already and me at 50 had to have cancer to see it? Stop being a victim!

*I need radical acceptance. Radical acceptance – a willingness to recognize and tolerate what is, rather than fight it or judge it. It is a way to free yourself from wanting something to be or not to be; this is a way to free yourself to live. Radical acceptance comes from the depths of your being.

*I fucking hate my life. I am an unhappy person who wishes Christmas were already over.

December 21, 2006

*Somewhat better….I am the type of person who generalizes that if ‘I do well in math, so I’ll do well at anything.’

*Colette is coming in today and has been excited to do so, according to Jacquie. I’m really glad she will be here in one way. On the other hand, I am so toxic and such a depressing person I don’t want my miserable ness to wear off on her. I know she cares for me so much that she will pick up my vibes and I will only depress her too.

*I feel I have contributed to making Jacquie feel bitter and angry too, and I don’t want to do the same to Colette.

*On the other hand I want to keep it real, not just keep it strong.

*I feel like I wish no one would talk to me and I could just live in my own bubble until this terrible mood/state passes away. I want to sit by myself in the dark.

December 28, 2006

*A new year is coming around the corner. I need to lighten up and learn to live before I die. I need to be conscious. What to do! What to do! God bless us everyone.

*Another new journal from Angelique. Christmas was nice. Expectations were high and energy was low.

*I feel spiritually that I have gone downhill since I was a young girl.

December 1, 2007

*In my mind I am singing ‘It’s 9 o’clock on a Saturday’ it is in fact a Saturday and it is 9:32 Toronto time. I say Toronto time because Angelique, Nadalene and I came to Toronto because this is what Nadalene wanted to do for her 30th birthday. So far it has been a terrific time for me. It is Nadalene’s champagne birthday as she was 30 on November 30th.

*I love my girls very much. I bought Josephine the cutest doll for Christmas and a little yoga suit saying soul baby.

Flash Forward

Boy oh boy, after writing that I see how important it is for people to keep turning the pages. Hate one day and love the next.

I have known that for a long time when hate or dissatisfaction is directed out from me to others they are usually just scapegoats. The real target is myself.

I also really see why I was told that when my blood is as low as it has been and needing transfusion after transfusion that I am not supposed to sign any documents are contracts as my cognitive ability is not in tact.

Well I am happy today and I am looking forward to Christmas today and I am excited to be putting up the tree with my family on Saturday. I think I will just run with it.

Round And Round

It seems so human to me that when I put a particular month’s journal entries together that nothing really changes from one year to another. They all really consist of the same themes.

Flashbacks From The Month Of November

November 9, 2001

*Some achievements to celebrate are a fantastic Halloween Dinner, being optimistic no matter what, raising confident children, hanging-in regardless, passing on what I know, paying off debts, and being happily married after 26+ years.

*I believe that the things that stop me from achieving my goals are internal and not external.

November 11, 2001

*My definition of success is not about money or career; it is definitely about personal, mental, family success. It is success in the sense that you bring something good to the relationships you have with other people, especially to the people who know you best, i.e., your family.

*I am living my own ideas about success, and in a way maybe that is why I feel successful, because I am basing my success on my measuring stick and not on someone else’s.

*Models of success to me are: My Dad is a model of success for his optimism and humour. My Mom is a model of success for her love of her children as well as her fairness. Jacquie is a model of success for her thoughtfulness of others and her warm and loving ways and for her ability to love my children as if they were her own. Angelique is a model of success for her courage in facing a terrible disease, but mostly for her compassion and non-judgmental attitude towards others. Nadalene is a model of success for her excellent and non-ending work habits, as well as the ability to set goals and achieve them, along with her ability to stay on course and not get distracted. Nathan is a model of success for his self-confidence, athleticism, and his ability to make me laugh. Wahid is a model of success for overcoming a childhood where you weren’t taught to have confidence in yourself, but mostly for being the most wonderful husband and father anyone could be. He is honest, loyal, hardworking, dependable, and intelligent.

November 15, 2001

*I am comfortable with physical expressions of intimacy. I support myself, but not quite whole-heartedly because the capacity for intimacy is based on self-acceptance and I don’t accept my physical body completely. I am overweight.

November 17, 2001

*If I ever experience envy (rarely) it would not be to a person, but that person’s money and what freedom it gives to them and their family.

November 21, 2001

*Family to me means family by blood; emotional family; and how these are the people that can make you the most miserable but on the upside, they are the same people who can pull your strings for good or bad. They are the people we have certain rights to expect, obligations to fulfill, joys to share, privileges to give and take, as well as burdens that are too heavy to bear; they can try to give us what we need in support. Some do this not at all, some half-way, and some do and fulfill this with all of the best intentions. Jacquie of course comes to mind when I think of the best intentions and so does Colette.

*It is not that I wish the ties were tighter or looser because when you are a member of a large family it seems as though the ties are always shifting. Sometimes you are closer to some and then it can change and you will be closer to others.

*In the movie of my family I am the 8th child, with another five children after me. Relatively close knit family with some of my favourite memories revolving around Christmas. Even with a full house we were able to do what we wanted. It was as though even if the house was crowded to the rafters we were welcome to join in with everyone or if we desired be left alone to do our own thing.

*I think in a lot of ways I was the child who was designated ‘smart.’ My children are also considered to be ‘smart.’

*I can be the peacemaker, but I can also be manipulating.

November 3, 2002

*The routines that make my life worthwhile are dinner with the kids and Wahid, sleeping in bed with Wahid, talking with Nadalene, hugging and making that sound on Nathan’s neck.

*What I’m most proud of in my life are my children. Nathan just wrote I LOVE MOM.

*Things I don’t know for sure are how to get along with all my siblings on a real level; where my real talents can be best used; and where I’m going to be in 20 years.

November 10, 2002

*Christmas stress. Remind myself that the holidays may have been so wonderful in my childhood because I had no responsibility for making the magic. Have grown-up expectations and I won’t be disappointed.

November 4, 2003

*I told Wahid about what I wrote in the journal about David S. and him, and we both had a good laugh over it. I can’t believe that when I wrote that I actually believed it.

November 17, 2003

*To me, excellence means achieving goals you have set with amazing attitude and perseverance, but even more it means the quality of a person’s spirit, the kindness, the goodness, and the empathy one feels for other people around them. Three areas of my life I would rate myself as excellent are in parenting, making our house a home, and listening.

November 27, 2004

*I am completely rambling in my head this morning. Kind of a blah blah day. Colette and her friends came shopping yesterday and I went with them. I totally wish I hadn’t. Big waste of time. They are all very nice. I’m just bored with everything unless I have my head in a book.

*I had cataract surgery on November 17th and everything is great. Amazing difference in vision.

*Looking at the words ‘heartfelt joy’ and don’t know what they mean at all. I (right now) feel neither of those.

November 28, 2004

*I am totally in a funk and have been for over a month. I just don’t feel any connection right now. Christmas is approaching and I also feel people are getting older and can die soon.

*Hurry up and connect and I still don’t. Even though I have a feeling that NOW is the time and I will regret this wasted time later.

*I wish I had made better choices in life. If wishes were horses beggars would ride.

*I suffer from connection overload so I never crave it. Mind you, it is never a deep connection and I’m sure I must crave that. I so never have that, that if I ever even did I don’t know what it would be like. I am my own worst enemy. On the other hand I know I want my children to have it with a partner and each other.

*My main squeeze would be Wahid, although not at the moment.

Flash Forward

Change is a conscious choice and if we want it than we need to make that decision and act. Otherwise we go in circles year after year repeating the things we wanted to be different.

It is also comforting to have the same themes in your life such as family and love.

Falling Memories

While holding on to them, my memories drop like leaves. Memories are made of moments and these moments help make up my life. Life is wonderful and needs to be embraced. Dare to care.

Flashbacks From The Month Of October

October 30, 2001

*Wahid’s Mom died one year ago today. Strange story – Nathan has a frame with four pictures in it from Trinidad, the picture with Wahid’s Mom in it was the only picture halfway out of the frame when I went downstairs this morning.

*The main themes of my life journey right now are: my children; my husband; my family’s health; my family’s education; making a comfortable home; being a good wife and mother. I am happy at this stage of my life and the direction myself and my family is headed.

*I was lost when I was 9 years old, my family had just moved to Windsor Park and I was starting Grade 5 at Frontenac School. I remember walking home at lunch hour and I wasn’t sure where my street was. I walked down De Bourmont, passing Elizabeth Road where I lived and kept walking till I got to Dugas which was the last street off De Bourmont. I went to a house where an older lady lived and she either helped me find my house or she had a neighbour boy of hers walk me. I think it was the neighbour boy. One thing I learned from that was it is okay to ask for help when you need it.

October 20, 2003

*I definitely feel the strongest connections to people opposed to institutions or animals. I don’t have a bond to my job or church. I don’t necessarily have a bond to my ideas but I do have a bond to my ideals.

*People delight me. The types of people who delight me are upbeat, enthusiastic, young, and carefree, in general – just a pleasure to be around. Angelique, Nadalene, and Nathan delight me. Natalie and Allison delight me.

*I admire my ability to bring people together. The qualities that stand out in this regard that I believe I have are: openness; a willingness for the people I like to like each other; the ability to leave the people with a comment that connects them together; listening skills; and friendliness.

October 1, 2004

*What I dislike most in other people is laziness, liars, false attitudes, pessimisim, life-stealers, people who won’t try.

*What I like most in other people is character, integrity, faithfulness, enjoyment of simple pleasures, a letting go, authentic, steadfastness, focus, a life giver.

October 25, 2004

*God is great. Life is good. The sun is shining through the window and landing on this very spot.

*My belief in what Jesus stood for is unshakable. My love for my children is unshakable. My fundamental principles are: love one another; treat others well; judge not; be kind; care; be compassionate; put one foot in front of another; have faith, hope and joy; and make life a well-loved entity.

October 27, 2004

*Remember that life is a gift and at 48 years of age I have to live the moments not just exist in the moments. Enjoy the pleasure. Make the feelings more intense, not just ho-hum neutral. Participate, don’t just observe.

*Heartfelt joy.

Flash Forward

My friend Julie died the other day on October 27, 2008. Julie delighted me and I want all of you to know that it is best to surround yourself with people that truly do delight you because life is very short.

To my list of Angelique, Nadalene, Nathan, Natalie, and Allison I would like to add Taylor, Elizabeth, Flossie-p and her friend Emma. I want you all to know that I am delighted by your enthusiasm and your humour.

Please do me the biggest favour and don’t be too cool for school. Keep your sense of gratitude, enthusiasm, and people loving spirits. Show your appreciation for people and what they do for you, don’t come off like you are owed or entitled because you are not.

This attitude of I don’t care, whatever, doesn’t matter to me, is so boring and so uncool, and such a yawn.

Even though I am not much of one anymore, I yell “Life-lifters everywhere unite.”

Days Of September

In many ways September has been the start of the year for me, more so than January. It always felt fresh and like a new start. Wonder what my journals reflect.

Flashbacks From The Month Of September

September 21, 2002

*Heidi buried her second child yesterday. How will Heidi bear this. Words are hollow and inadequate. Goodnight sweet prince and may you find peace wherever you may be.

*Any messages I would have received from my parents if I was daydreaming or goofing off would have been encouraged. They would have been smiling and positive.

*When I am stressed, reading can give me instant relief. It costs nothing to read a book.

*My relaxation manifesto will be to have a cup of tea, make sure there is no noise, and light some candles, maybe leaf through a magazine and drink my tea from a china cup. I stay calm in a frustrating situation by distancing myself from the moment or activity I am feeling stressed about.

*My coping strategies are to stay calm, definitely to be in denial, minimize things, and to know I can only do what I can do. I really don’t know what works for other people.

September 15, 2003

*Happy to report I’m actually doing something for my body. I’ve joined Curves.

*Angelique started teaching her Grade 8 class and it sounds like she is doing a great job. Natalie and I saw her classroom and it looks awesome.

*I absolutely, with out a moment’s hesitation, can say I definitely do not live my most passionate life. As a matter of fact I have to try to force myself to have any passion in my life at all. On a scale of 1 to 10 in the passionate about life department I am probably a 2 (observer). I have to motivate myself to be interested in my own life. I need to see some good in myself and my life. I believe that at some point in my life I desired to be married and to have children. I do have the children I dreamed of, but I do not have the marriage I dreamed of. It has been so long since I have had dreams and desires that in all honesty I don’t know what I would desire or dream of for myself.

*My passion is my children and since they are all older and living their own lives, I need to find a passion that involves my life and doesn’t have me being a vampire sucking their lives vicariously. I am fatigued. I would rather not try than fail. Having just said that goes against everything I believe for other people, why can’t I feel that for myself?

*No one I know expects me to be perfect. I do avoid intense feelings. In my marriage we don’t have arguments we have disappointments. We also both shutdown. I suffer a disappointment, and then go quiet, because I don’t want to hurt Wahid’s feelings, so instead I hurt my own.

September 23, 2003

*Went for breakfast with Darlene, her chemo has stopped and now she is having radiation. God bless her and let all go well with her.

September 25, 2004

*Christmas shopping is really hard for me because I want to buy everything for the kids and I fear after 30 years of doing this, Christmas will be a huge disappointment (mostly for me) if I don’t keep it up. Christmas has been focused too much on things (all my doing).

*When Wahid and I were first married we bought a vacuum from a traveling salesman. I felt we had to buy it because he talked so long and displayed it that I didn’t want to send him away empty handed. I felt like I would have been ashamed if we didn’t get it. Big mistake. A young fool. Today, I couldn’t care less if he showed me it all day, standing on his head. I would never buy it. It was as though I wanted him to respect us thinking ‘Oh they have money – they must have some worth.’ I think part of me still suffers from some of that. I want never to say ‘I can’t, we don’t have.’ We have nothing to be ashamed of. We work very hard, especially Wahid. I respect him totally.

September 29, 2004

*When I think of the sexiest people I think of men. Wahid is very sexy. My number one sexy. For me, being in love with the person you are having sex with is a huge part of making the sex so fulfilling. The comfort level is impossible to beat.

September 5, 2005

*Thank you God. Angelique and Nadalene are back from New Orleans. There was Hurricane Katrina that just hit there, three weeks after they got back to Winnipeg. It has become the largest natural disaster in U.S. history. The U.S. government has not acted as it should. The people had no water for three days. It is a national disgrace.

*I yearn for self-acceptance. I trust that my yearning will happen.

September 6, 2005

*You can’t always get what you want (sing it like Mick Jagger). You don’t always get what you need (sing it like Bono). Want = Want. Need = Yearn = Soul.

*Wahid and I were talking and I asked him about gratitude. He made me cry because he said he is grateful that he met me. Wahid has all the character. Wahid has never done a dishonourable thing or said anything dishonourable. He is a man of honour.

*I do not believe my future lies in my past. My past has brought me to where I am; my future is wide open.

*What I really need is to get real.

*Darlene just called and said Tarla’s 23 year old daughter Jyoti died on Saturday. God please bless the family.

September 11, 2005

*Went and gave Mom and Dad their showers.

*My people are individuals who share my sensibilities about life.

Flash Forward

Yesterday I went for PICC at St. Boniface around noon and I was sitting by a bed, the nurse asked if I could move because there was a young girl probably between the ages of 16 to 20 who needed to get off the chair and get into a bed quick. The poor girl was green and had no hair. Her poor mom was walking behind her looking as though she was going to war. She in fact was.

I then left Cancer Care at Health Sciences at 3:00 p.m. with Pat and we saw a young Mom holding a two year old on her shoulder and bringing in her little boy who was about four years old and he too was bald, he looked happy though. Pat and I were both crushed.

So please don’t be like me with eyes in your head that don’t know how to see.