Friday 19 November 2010

Has Anyone Seen the Light?

The last few months have been spent trying to reconnect with myself and those I love and to try and just live simply while savouring all the time I can while I am at home with my kids. I remember a time, months ago, when my kids were goofing around in the crib together and I walked in the room feeling quite good and goofy myself. I started dancing and singing with them and when I turned to look at them, they seemed to be staring at me in awe. Almost like, wow, who is this? Our mom can be fun?

At that moment I remember feeling like crying because it was like I had lost myself for quite some time and my kids obviously hadn't seen it in quite some time either. Who knew the last time I was jumping around feeling silly. I vowed to make my way back to myself that day from all the tragedy, for my sake and my family's.

While I have been continuing to work on this, I also struggle with having to say goodbye to my Auntie Jaquie. Another wonderful person in my life who will be taking a part of me with her. It is so terrible to have to lose such a support and comfort in our world and it also brings back all the emotions and images of saying goodbye and watching my Mom die. It often feels like I am at a breaking point, where those around me are also feeling like bruised souls, hoping we can again feel that lust for life and the vitality. I shouldn't speak for anyone else, but it is how I feel. We will never go back to what once was but the question is, how do we move forward with filled hearts when some days, our hearts are broken and may never be mended?

Last month we celebrated my Dad's and my sister's birthdays and it was like there was a hole in the room where all the energy had been sucked out. What a difference one person makes? My Mom truly lit the room and kept it energised. This is definitely a hard time of year, a time I have been dreading more than any birthday (although I am dreading my birthday) or holiday without my Mom. If you knew her or read her blog, you would know she was a Christmas nut and it has been feeling quite bittersweet when I try and do fun Chrismas type things with my kids or hang ornaments (which have probably all been bought by my Mom over the years) and not to feel quite pissed that now my AJ has been told she has little time with us either. I wish I could make some deal that I may forgo seeing my Mom again, but that my kids could have a special private relationship with her throughout their lives. How amazing that would be for them to know her? How devastating to me that they won't. And now they also won't get to really know their AJ?

Just to give you an example of her lively spirit, in the the past couple of weeks, she had organised a two day marathon of manicures and pedicures at her house for her sisters, sister in law, nieces and granddaughters. She insisted on Christmas shopping all the time. She held a high tea on a burst of energy last night at 2 in the morning and had her sisters and children come over to sit with her while they probably sat around and admired her and her wit. She is loved by all who meet her. Her health care aides who help take care of her are also quite fond of her and and there is no doubt that she has a Christmas present under the tree for each and everyone of them. Why do we have to go on without such another gem in our lives?

All this is possible of course through the amazing strength and love of her children, sisters, brother, sister in law and niece. They have been by her side for the last few months taking care of her and they now alternate two a shift on days and evenings. My Auntie Camille, who lives out of town has not left my Aunt's side in months. She has her health problems herself but she wouldn't consider not being there for her sister. It really is truly remarkable to see such strength and complete love from everyone. It definitely fills the room just like my Auntie Jacquie has filled us with all the love her heart could hold.

Anyway, I told my Aunt that I would post this a month ago, and I did start, but I never finished as I have never felt more spent in my entire life. I think of writing almost every night but either my heart isn't in it or I am completely exhausted. But my aunt is nearing the end and I would feel terrible if I didn't put this question out there, and that is if anyone out there has had any near death experiences? My aunt was quite afraid and anxious of dying and leaving all those she so dearly loves here. We thought that perhaps some stories of encouters with death may provide some comfort from anyone who has felt for a moment in time, some connection to the other side. So, I ask again, has anyone seen the light?