Days Of September

In many ways September has been the start of the year for me, more so than January. It always felt fresh and like a new start. Wonder what my journals reflect.

Flashbacks From The Month Of September

September 21, 2002

*Heidi buried her second child yesterday. How will Heidi bear this. Words are hollow and inadequate. Goodnight sweet prince and may you find peace wherever you may be.

*Any messages I would have received from my parents if I was daydreaming or goofing off would have been encouraged. They would have been smiling and positive.

*When I am stressed, reading can give me instant relief. It costs nothing to read a book.

*My relaxation manifesto will be to have a cup of tea, make sure there is no noise, and light some candles, maybe leaf through a magazine and drink my tea from a china cup. I stay calm in a frustrating situation by distancing myself from the moment or activity I am feeling stressed about.

*My coping strategies are to stay calm, definitely to be in denial, minimize things, and to know I can only do what I can do. I really don’t know what works for other people.

September 15, 2003

*Happy to report I’m actually doing something for my body. I’ve joined Curves.

*Angelique started teaching her Grade 8 class and it sounds like she is doing a great job. Natalie and I saw her classroom and it looks awesome.

*I absolutely, with out a moment’s hesitation, can say I definitely do not live my most passionate life. As a matter of fact I have to try to force myself to have any passion in my life at all. On a scale of 1 to 10 in the passionate about life department I am probably a 2 (observer). I have to motivate myself to be interested in my own life. I need to see some good in myself and my life. I believe that at some point in my life I desired to be married and to have children. I do have the children I dreamed of, but I do not have the marriage I dreamed of. It has been so long since I have had dreams and desires that in all honesty I don’t know what I would desire or dream of for myself.

*My passion is my children and since they are all older and living their own lives, I need to find a passion that involves my life and doesn’t have me being a vampire sucking their lives vicariously. I am fatigued. I would rather not try than fail. Having just said that goes against everything I believe for other people, why can’t I feel that for myself?

*No one I know expects me to be perfect. I do avoid intense feelings. In my marriage we don’t have arguments we have disappointments. We also both shutdown. I suffer a disappointment, and then go quiet, because I don’t want to hurt Wahid’s feelings, so instead I hurt my own.

September 23, 2003

*Went for breakfast with Darlene, her chemo has stopped and now she is having radiation. God bless her and let all go well with her.

September 25, 2004

*Christmas shopping is really hard for me because I want to buy everything for the kids and I fear after 30 years of doing this, Christmas will be a huge disappointment (mostly for me) if I don’t keep it up. Christmas has been focused too much on things (all my doing).

*When Wahid and I were first married we bought a vacuum from a traveling salesman. I felt we had to buy it because he talked so long and displayed it that I didn’t want to send him away empty handed. I felt like I would have been ashamed if we didn’t get it. Big mistake. A young fool. Today, I couldn’t care less if he showed me it all day, standing on his head. I would never buy it. It was as though I wanted him to respect us thinking ‘Oh they have money – they must have some worth.’ I think part of me still suffers from some of that. I want never to say ‘I can’t, we don’t have.’ We have nothing to be ashamed of. We work very hard, especially Wahid. I respect him totally.

September 29, 2004

*When I think of the sexiest people I think of men. Wahid is very sexy. My number one sexy. For me, being in love with the person you are having sex with is a huge part of making the sex so fulfilling. The comfort level is impossible to beat.

September 5, 2005

*Thank you God. Angelique and Nadalene are back from New Orleans. There was Hurricane Katrina that just hit there, three weeks after they got back to Winnipeg. It has become the largest natural disaster in U.S. history. The U.S. government has not acted as it should. The people had no water for three days. It is a national disgrace.

*I yearn for self-acceptance. I trust that my yearning will happen.

September 6, 2005

*You can’t always get what you want (sing it like Mick Jagger). You don’t always get what you need (sing it like Bono). Want = Want. Need = Yearn = Soul.

*Wahid and I were talking and I asked him about gratitude. He made me cry because he said he is grateful that he met me. Wahid has all the character. Wahid has never done a dishonourable thing or said anything dishonourable. He is a man of honour.

*I do not believe my future lies in my past. My past has brought me to where I am; my future is wide open.

*What I really need is to get real.

*Darlene just called and said Tarla’s 23 year old daughter Jyoti died on Saturday. God please bless the family.

September 11, 2005

*Went and gave Mom and Dad their showers.

*My people are individuals who share my sensibilities about life.

Flash Forward

Yesterday I went for PICC at St. Boniface around noon and I was sitting by a bed, the nurse asked if I could move because there was a young girl probably between the ages of 16 to 20 who needed to get off the chair and get into a bed quick. The poor girl was green and had no hair. Her poor mom was walking behind her looking as though she was going to war. She in fact was.

I then left Cancer Care at Health Sciences at 3:00 p.m. with Pat and we saw a young Mom holding a two year old on her shoulder and bringing in her little boy who was about four years old and he too was bald, he looked happy though. Pat and I were both crushed.

So please don’t be like me with eyes in your head that don’t know how to see.