Monday, 26 January 2009

Ring Around The Rosy


















Honestly, I don’t know what is wrong with me. I am so emotional that I have been crying over the drop of a hat for several weeks now. Probably since I had that wicked flu and was throwing up non stop for days. It reminded me of everything that I try to forget.

I keep repeating my version of the nursery rhyme ‘Ring around the rosy, pocketful of cancer, hush-a hush-a, we all fall dead.’ Why I’m torturing myself I really don’t know.

Right now my back is killing me, so does that mean the cancer is on the move. Like my dear friend Pat says ‘You have a sore on your hand and you think it is leprosy. A headache and you think it is a brain tumor.’ Any ache and any pain is cancer in my mind.

Is this the time? Is the bullet from the gun that is aimed at my head going to hit me square this time?

It has been well documented, my relationship with the monster under the bed. But this is something different. I think I am suffering a personal malaise.

My tears do not belong to the family of boo hoo hoo, nor do they belong to the family of hoo hoo boo; rather they belong to the family of silent, eyes welling up, tears just falling off your chin in mourning.

My head floods with the images of the people I have known and loved. The slow inevitable decay as things got worse; the surprising speed with which it all ended. Like receiving needles, anticipation of the needle can be the worst, only in this case I know it isn’t the worst, it is only the beginning.

I was never given any guarantees. I take the optimistic side of all of my medical info. Not that it matters one little bit. Not that there is a single thing I can do about it. The sheer helplessness and impotence of the situation can be paralyzing.

Of waiting to be told that this will not end well. Getting an elbow to the ribs reminding you that they said it would not end well right from the beginning where it already was not going well. Reminding you not to be surprised, you have been told all along.

‘Ring around the rosy, pocket full of cancer, hush-a hush-a we all fall dead.’

My soul and I have been talking and we think that because I love my family and my life so much I just can’t bear the thought of leaving them or it. My husband, my children, my granddaughter; it is too much to bear.

My family scene was set and all the characters were comfortably in place. A middle-aged couple hoping to retire one day with lots of grandchildren to remind them of their youth. Three adult children and one son-in-law with another son-in-law on the way. Two careers. A house. Extended families, friends, dreams, and aspirations.

There is just one other character yet to introduce. Crawling through a crack in the foundation, waiting in the wings offstage just behind the blinds by the air vent, smelling like cells gone haywire, and taking up residence in my right breast. The bad guy, the one with enough power to, at the very minimum, kill me and destroy everyone else too. There is no doubt that he will kill me one day, but destroy my family he will never do.

‘Ring around the rosy, pocket full of cancer, hush-a hush-a we all fall dead.’

When I was first diagnosed I was devastated. Then I had treatments and was so sick that at certain points I didn’t really care anymore; as a matter of fact I sometimes wished that a stranger would creep up to my bedroom and blow my brains out. Then my chemo stopped because my heart needed a rest (in more ways than one) and I started to feel better.

And even though I have reached a place where the pain and side effects are more or less managed, who’s to say that they won’t show up again sooner than later, out of the blue, ready to pounce on me again because I have tricked myself into believing that I might be one of the lucky ones. Cancer is a tricky bastard and the universe is even a trickier bastard and who knows what the two of them might cook up.

This was always a losing battle. I always knew it was. It’s just that living without hope isn’t much of a life. It is a hard thing to fight when you know you’re not going to win.

My body, my mind, my emotions, they are all tied up in knots and braced against more pain and illness. I remember the illness. And I don’t know if I can live through that again.

‘Ring around the rosy, pocket full of cancer, hush-a hush-a we all fall dead.’

I was a child who grew up in a dream and became the woman who married the man with whom she had three children and raised them in the dream too. I have always been more of a denial type of person; you know, pretend it’s not there and make it to the finish line.

I remember being one of many sisters, but now I am the one sister. The sister that is dying while the others are not. The sister that was, and will be again, stuck in a bed while the many sisters can get up and walk away. I remember clearly the distancing between me, sick as a dog on the couch, and the others sitting close by. Close by, but never ever close enough to know.

‘Ring around the rosy pocket full of cancer, hush-a hush-a we all fall dead.’

I must comfort myself with what I have always comforted myself with ‘words.’ Thank you Francis Bacon for these:

Begin
doing what
you want to do now.
We are not living in eternity.
We have only this moment, sparkling
like a star in our hand –
and melting like a
snowflake.

I remind myself that partly cloudy is partly sunny and that here on this earth right now I have been given the opportunity to live with angels. This life here and now is good and the people I am able to share my life with are good. I have to believe that this time here will not be all there is because my soul will never be full of them. My soul will yearn for them always.

Maybe I am being morbid, but it’s really that when you have a terminal illness, well, that’s a time when you just can’t live for the future any more. This was and continues to be a huge burden for me. And sometimes I really don’t know how to be with it.

Roger Housden states “To be vulnerable to the mystery of our life as it presents itself, requires forgoing our hopes and fears for the future and being willing to taste what is here before us, in all its poignant bittersweetness.”

I am still here (thanks darling Jill). I need to show up and be present every day and maybe, just maybe that will be enough (but I don’t feel it will).

The words of ‘Ring around the rosy’ date back to the Great Plague of London in 1665 (bubonic plague). The symptoms of the plague included a rosy red rash in the shape of a ring on the skin (ring around the rosy). Pockets were filled with sweet smelling herbs or posies which were carried due to the belief that the disease was transmitted by bad smells. The term hush-a hush-a was really ashes, ashes which referred to the cremation of the dead.

69 comments:

And Remained said...

Wise, brilliant, insightful, perceptive, honest and poignant. All the stuff of great literature. I hope you are slowly feeling better. I send my love and admiration.

Melissa said...

I have no idea what what to say, what to write, Renee. . .
My prayers and hopes are with you!
I wish there was something more than futile helplessness, more than simply being a passenger who must go where life aims. I wish. . . I wish . .
Your writing is beautiful and moving.
You are in my thoughts.
~Melissa

CarolineH said...

Renee,
How I wish I could just be there and hold you and cry with you when you feel this way. You know how I feel, what I'm thinking. what I'm feeling right now, I can't begin to express in words on here, but I think you know. I love you dear friend. You're my inspiration. You're a strong, sensitive woman who is still very full of LIFE. Yours may end sooner than many others but the impact on others that you leave today will always remain. Be sad dear friend...you're entitled to that. Hate the cancer. I know I sure do..but cherish your family and your friends and those who love you so very much.

Love you,
Caroline xoxoxo

Ellen Lyn said...

Hi Renee,
Thank you so much for visiting me...and leaving your link so that I could visit you. Thank you for your poignant and inspiring words...they have affected my day so much, my life too. As the only child of a father who gave up his fight after loosing his hope, your words brought tears to my eyes and gave me great strength and comfort. My thoughts are with you, cheering you on in your battle!!
xoxox,
Ellen

Tessa said...

Renee, you are courageous beyond words. I feel humbled by your wisdom, your generosity, your gentleness and your humour. I thank you for sharing your heartfelt and moving words with us...with me - a mere stranger who a while ago stumbled into your world and rejoiced at the depth and breadth of your experience of life and love and laughter. Today I say - in Zulu because it has more resonance - sala kahle inenekazi elithandiweyo (stay well dear lady).

Daria said...

Renee,

You write very well.

Thanks for being so honest with your feelings and your words.

I feel very similar but just don't have the words to say it.

Thanks,
Daria

glorv1 said...

Good morning Renee. You said it all, just how you feel and the release of those emotions is a good thing. Hope and belief. Hope and belief. That's all I can say. I pray that you are better soon. My thoughts and prayer's are with you. ::hugs:: May the week ahead bring you comfort and happiness.

Anonymous said...

Oh, my dear Renee,I have tears welling up in my eyes. I send all my love. Francis Bacon's words are true for all of us. I hope you are felling better. I would love to wrap my arms around you and hold you tight.
Hugs and love, Barb

Shelly said...

I love you, and if I could I would take a turn with your cancer - we (your sisters) all would.

Sarah said...

Dearest Renee,
Where to start!! As I sit here reading your deeply moving post, tears are streaming down my face. Ironically my preschoolers are asking me why – and bringing me stuffed animals to comfort me. That I could send you a teddy to hold!! What I did not share in my six – I walked with my mother through the dark place you are right now …ups and downs for six years. How glad I am that you are so open with where you are – how deeply touched I am to be allowed to share that place with you. How amazed I am at your courage to voice your deepest pain! I know you will find hope again – maybe today maybe tomorrow… just know that where ever you are … I would like to be there to support you up!!
Huge hugs hon, Sarah

Sarah said...

I was wondering hon - would you allow me to send some Reiki your way? I will totally understand if you would rather not. Hugs, Sarah

Kate said...

Renee,

I too like many others know not what to say but to offer our friendship and love and compassion. Its an honor to be witness to your life so please continue to share it. It enriches mine and truly helps me live more in the moment. Your writing is beautiful and the release of your emotions is a good thing. You are in my heart and thoughts especially today.

Hugs,
Kate

Sarah said...

Hey hon...It was many years ago when I lost my mom. Thank you. I wish she could have been straight up with everyone as she was with me. I was young (27)and did not realize she was not being so honest with everyone else. It was difficult for my sisters & they were very angry with me- because at the end they had no idea how bad it had become and did not have time to have closure (they were a state away). I think she realized though - I'm not one for denial & my sister's and Dad constantly told her she would be fine & shut her down- she just needed to vent sometimes. It was complicated I guess. I think it's better to be straight up. Even when some don't want to hear it.
The Reiki is done mentally from me to you. I can focus on healing or just comfort - that is up to you. The energy goes where you need it most.
Cheers to your kids - 7th grade - they ARE brave!!LOL - I'll keep my little guys. Hugs, Sarah

studio lolo said...

Dear Renee,

I'm new to your world and your words and I find I'm most often moved deeply by them. Like the others, I wish there was something I could do to make it all go away.
Hope is a powerful thing, and the words of Bacon sure do ring true for us all. A friend of mine recently lost her 7 year old granddaughter and the phrase they say all the time in her memory is "live each day."
I know that's exactly what you're trying to do.
Perhaps if you visualize all the healing wishes you're getting your body will have to respond and fight that damn cancer.

Sending you love,
wishing you strength~
XX
Laurel

Kelly Kilmer said...

{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You are amazing.

Cancer is an S.O.B.
and I, for one, am so tired of the time it is taking from so many that I know and love.

Dave Huddleston said...

this is the only way I saw to get a hold of you. I have entered you in my giveaway...goodluck!

davehuddleston.blogspot.com

Sarah said...

I will have to do Reiki this evening - lol - as I have preschoolers clammoring for my attention. It's very hard to concentrate with "The Wonder Pets theme in the background - lol.Hope ya don't mind waiting. My sister's and I have long sinced mended fences. My Father died 6 years after my Mom and I made sure they were aware that time.
I did post my Bodyguard thingy - lol. Long winded - hope ya like it! Am a fan of your writing!

jacquie said...

renee,
i know you are feeling weak and broken emotionaly right now...
i wish i had some answers or insight on how to help get you thru this hard time, but i know only you can do this and you will when you are ready to.
i want you to keep fooling yourself and thinking that you will be one of the lucky ones to live a little longer ... do it long enough to get you back to the denial state so you can put that bastard back under the bed. once there you can tell that bastard to fuck off and to leave you alone.
i will pray to god and ask dad and all the angles and arcangles and your friends who have gone before you to give you strength to get out of this dark place.
together strong
jacquie

Sarah said...

Thanks hon - I do adore the man. He is gorgeous to me - lol! Of coarse there were repercussions to my choices - the move - but that's another story. I hope the picture of my strapping husband with tights and ballet shoes at the ballet bar with a bunch of little dancers will make you smile. He's planning on doing "Men in tights" for his final - giggle. Huge hugs hon...Sarah

Audrey said...

Oh Renee, you are so beautifully poetic! And I so love the images on your page. Use the wonder of art and language to help you through the tough times.
I know exactly what you mean when you talk about the silent tears rolling down your cheeks. Shortly before Christmas, I was holding my 2 year old niece who had arrived in the world 3 months premature (she weighed all of 2 pounds!). Anyway, now she is a "big girl," and I was holding her and thinking thoughts like, "How long will I know this little person? I won't be able to stand it when I am gone and not able to see her daily" Even today when I think of that loss, the tears flow. You actually used the correct word - we are "mourning." Be strong, my friend. We are all sending prayers and good wishes your way!

Lizzy Frizzfrock said...

Oh Renee, you are so insightful, so clear in your writing, your words are so lovely. If only, if only I knew what to say. I think of you often; I speak of you to my husband; you are never far from my thoughts and yet we have only spoken a few times. You reach us all; we all feel the agony in your voice. If only, if only...
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us.

Sarah said...

Not a chance!! Whaaaaaahaaaa. Seriously hon- how ya doing?

Julie-ann said...

It is hard too read this, knowing about the fears that you have and rightly so. Your back maybe the worry and showing in your muscles aches.
Not selling work at the moment. Ebay fees are too expensive. I wasn't getting any money other than paying for Ebay fees, supplies and equipment
I want to concentrate on a theme. So I am creating but not selling.
Some have gone to my friends and family. Birthdays etc.
Please don't feel obliged to comment on my art, it is nice for you to drop in and say hello, we should have a virtual cup of tea together,lol!

A Spoonful Of Sugar said...

It is interesting that so many of the nursery rhymes and fairy tales that have been passed down through the ages have a dark side to them. You write so beautifully - thank you for the insight into your journey. My husband and mother are both in remission. It touches us all in one way or another. Take care Renee.

Sandi said...

I came to your blog because you posted on my giveaway. I am glad you did for I never would have been given the gift of reading your blog. Tears are welling in my eyes from reading your post. I, too, want to wish you well and give you a big hug. I don't have cancer but I have really been at odds since the passing of my dad last spring and a serious illness that nearly took my mother. And I will turn 60 this summer and it makes you look at things and say.....what is important.....family, bottom line. Don't want to leave them. Don't want any of them to leave me. Dreams and hope are the stuff that get us through the day to day (a phrase I used in a recent blog post) and when hope and dreams are elusive, what is there? I can feel your hurt. Thank you for sharing what must have been hard to write and yet cathartic. Take each day for what comes. Sometimes there are the most unexpected things waiting for us even in the worst of times. Bless you and I will add you to my prayers.

Nanette Merrill and daughters said...

I know this is not much comfort. My best childhood friend passed away 2 weeks ago on her daughter's wedding day. Of cancer. Her 2nd bout. She survived a terrible accident with months of hospitalization and rehab a couple years ago. Only to have "it" return. She was 53. We are so young. Too young. We have so much to live for. All of us. Who knows what day is "our day". Hard stuff. Not the going, at least in my mind. It is the leaving behind that hurts. I feel bad for the children, though grown. And the grandchildren not even born yet. I never knew growing up in the 60s that life would be hard like it is. Not that I have your problem. But I have others. I guess we all do. And someday they end. We have no choice. My heart is with you. My heart is full for you. I hear your message. I think being heard is important. Though it changes nothing. But it is something that needs to be heard.

Mickey said...

Renee I can not truly know how you feel but I can imagine most of it and it is heartbreaking. You are so entitled to this sadness you are going through. You have seen and had so much sadness and heartbreak in the last little while that it is natural for you to feel such dispair.

You are right you are the sister with cancer and speaking as one of the sisters without it, this cancer, even though I can walk away I never really will because this cancer has a hold on me too. Losing you will be too much to bear for me and our other sisters. We all adore you.

Know this Renee you are admired and loved by me and I will never walk away from you and your beautiful family after you are not with us. You will maybe one day leave us all early physically but you will never leave my heart because your heart beats with mine and you are a huge part of my soul right now. A lot of my goodness and love comes from you.

The impact you have left on all who have the honor to know you will never leave them. You are inspiring and encouraging to everyone. I love when you said IF it is partly cloudy it is partly sunny. I wish you more sunny days you deserve them.

I love you my dear dear sister.

Sarah said...

Hi Renee,
I visited to say thank you for visiting me and leaving your sweet comment. Having read your beautiful, sad and moving post I wish there was something useful I could do or say. I will be back to visit you again. Lovely to meet you,
Sarah :)

lawatha said...

So here I was- just popping in to say a quick hi and a thank you for dropping by my blog to enter my "One World - One Heart" giveaway (the calla lily pendant). I had no idea I was going to start reading and not be able to break myself away. I ended up at your daughter's birthday, and finally forced myself to stop for a little while. I had so much I was going to accomplish today, and I've not really accomplished a thing. That's ok though- reading your blog and looking at the images on your blog was far more interesting, fare more important, then anything I had planned to do. Thank you for sharing so poignantly. I hope you get to keep your New Year's Resolution, and then some.

Strickmuse said...

Stay strong, keep hoping and keep the faith.
Susanne

Noreen said...

Thank you for allowing me to see that vulnerable, yet very strong woman you are. The timing, for me, is right on. It's so nice (if one can use that word) to know that I am not the only one thinking and feeling the same as you.
For two weeks I've experienced a lot of discomfort in my rib cage and chest. Like you, my reaction is that cancer has spread to the ribs, possibly the lungs, and Herceptin has taken it's toll on my heart. The mind can be a dangerous place to go alone.
Tuesday, when I should have gone for a treatment and joined you at group, I ended up running around for x-rays, blood works and a visit with a doctor (as mine is sitting in the Florida sun), before I could be approved for treatment. I arrived for 10am at Cancer Care and left at 4pm. Muga Scan on Friday and a Cat Scan to follow next week. Then there is the UVL treatments three times a week.
My hope, for you, is that you get some relief, a break from the chaos this disease has brought you. You deserve to be pain free to enjoy your wonderful family who are the world to you. Take care my friend. Your in my prayers.

Love, Noreen

angelique said...

Mom,
You really have a way of explaining how you feel, so that we, and others who have never 'met' you can understand. You live life fully, despite the gun in your face. It can only be expected that you will feel fear and great sadness when the closer you feel to life, the more you want to hold and the less likely you will feel that you can. I want to say that your back hurts because you are tired and stressed or because you are working on an altered book on a drafting table, much of the day. But none of that is the point. I just want you to feel better and not feel shitty. I guess I am your daughter who also likes to live in denial to an extent. Anyway, I am rambling and I don't know if I even have a point here, except that I am madly in love with you and I can't think of anything except that you are here now and will be for a long time. That doesn't help the loneliness of going through the demons in your thoughts alone, but you know we are all here with you, in mind, body, and especially spirit.

Sally said...

Oh Renee I hear you girlfriend soooooo loud and clear.
Remember the picture you gave to me one time, it is hanging up in front of me, 'when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on'
Hang on Renee and hang in.
Your always in my thoughts and prayers.
Love you Renee.
Sally

Liz said...

I love you Mrs. Khan. You are entrenched in my heart and soul.
As your friend at the top of the comments said "all the stuff of great literature". A most beautiful and heartbreaking post.
Thank you for letting the world know you. I must admit I'm a teensy bit jealous...your wisdom and insight used to be all mine.xoxo

ben said...

i hate it when u have days like this,and i know there is nothing that can be said that will make you feel any better, so i wont even try....but i do want you to know i love you very much!!

Emerald Arts said...

Pain drips.

So said Sappho. It conveys the pace of sadness, the volume of a drop of water, how it gathers at the top of you and it wells up... your throat grows tight and your brain starts throbbing... how it builds until you are so full of it that it can only spill over and fall... dropping, dropping, throught you and into the floor. Falling is scary.

I really hope this writing was as cathartic for you as it was beautiful for me to read. Hopefully articulating how this makes you feel helps you to breathe a little. You're so brave Renee, to admit that all is not sunshine and acceptance and peace. Cancer is an ugly evil bastard.

I know how hard it is to put on a brave face when you're scared and sick so that others won't worry. I honestly don't think I would have made it through the wheat/anaphylaxis drama days without my LiveJournal to vent on. I love the slight remove that blogging gives us, a space to work out our thoughts and feelings. Somewhere to figure it all out.

Love You so much <3

Emmeline

Vanessa Brantley Newton said...

My Sister, my friend,oh how my heart aches for you and burns for you. Is there really anything that anyone could say that would make you feel better??? I ask so many questions why???? Why you, why, my mother, why my friend? I agree it is to much to carry. How does one stand under these conditions. Life is so fragile. Every moment hangs in the air like a vapor. I would just say to you right now, live for today. Live for this beautiful moment right now. I know you are drinking tears for water, but you are an artist one who creates. You have been created to create. Your words are life. Create what you want with your words and your pictures. I know that hole is so deep and that you feel you can't get out. "I'm afraid!, and I can't even hope right now for anything you may say." You will have good days and some really bad ones as well. I am pulling for you. I am praying for you and I and hoping for you too. You have left your mark on me for sure. You have painted on my heart. I send you thoughts your way and I hope healing words. Most of all I send you great love. No I don't know you, but I can feel your very spirit! I send you love that cast out all fear and I send you love that heals. I send you love that has great faith and love that hope all things, believes all things. Live in this moment and let the rest take care of itself. I love you!
V.

Renee said...

Angelique, I feel better now that I have written about it, but more than that I feel better because of a little girl on a blue couch.

But you were right, the more you love the closer you feel to life, the less you want to leave it.

Arm in arm, back to denial we go.

xoxoxo Love Mom

Anonymous said...

Wonderful post by Mickey. As the sister without cancer, I understand her every word.The cancer does have a hold on us as well. Bless all your dear sisters as they journey with you.
Barb

Sarah said...

I am speechless! You bring out the best in us! Thank you for allowing me in your world Renee!! I hope in some way I can help! It is finally quiet here - so I am off to Reiki.
Hugs, Sarah

bernthis said...

That was incredibly moving. I know I don't know you but please know that my heart reaches out to you. What is that saying:

The past is the past, the future is the future, today is the present and that is why they call it a gift

Did I screw that up? I know you get the point. Big hugs to you

Karin said...

Dear Renee,
I see above me, the long list of responses to your heart's cries sorrow, of love for life, of outrage and longing, and I know you are loved and admired for your open honesty, and cared for through your suffering - I add myself to this community and am so glad you have allowed these words and feelings to flow out of you - to release them. As you know, to be in pain and feel life being threatened is the most difficult of places to be present in - yet when we project ahead we can not take advantage of being alive today... such a fine line to walk. I honor your courage, and hope for less pain and more joy in this moment.
love, Karin

Julie-ann said...

I will never get bored of anything you write to me. We all need reassurance. Your a star, my star as well as everyone else who has the chance to know you even a tiny bit. I like the amount of thought and brains, your way of looking at life, which you put your feelings down. It is really hard for you and I cannot comprehend how you feel, I want you to know how much I respect you. All the messages here are so true. You are wise, brilliant, insightful, perceptive and poignant. You are great! I love you for being you!

Hoodles of luv and hugs!

I am... said...

Renee,
You have such a gift to be able to express yourself so honestly and openly and I truly love this about you. You are a great friend, and I am continuing to pray for you always.
Love,
Tracie

Tessa said...

Renee, honey, I'm just sneaking back in quickly to say that I have an award on my blog for you - one that I feel you so richly deserve. xx

Jeannine said...

Renee,

I just want you to know that I love you and I pray for you every day. Miracles do happen and when you are struggling like you are now just know that all these people and me included will continue praying, sending positive thoughts or whatever people believe in your way. There is strength in numbers and you are surrounded by love and respect. It's OK to cry Renee. I know there are no words that I can say that would comfort you but sometimes it just helps for someone to hold you when you cry. We all have our arms around you Renee.
Love You Always
Jeannine XOXOXO

Industrioushead said...

Hi Renee and thank you so much for entering my drawing. Your blog is beautiful and inspiring, honest and heartfelt. Yours, Emily

A prayer for healing -

Thy name is my healing, O my God, and remembrance of Thee is my remedy. Nearness to Thee is my hope, and love for Thee is my companion. Thy mercy to me is my healing and my succor in both this world and the world to come. Thou, verily, art the All-Bountiful, the All-Knowing, the All-Wise.
Baha'u'llah

http://www.bahaiprayers.org/healing2.htm

Dreamers Dream said...

Oh gosh, i'm speechless. I'm only 15, reading reality and it frightens me as wel,..
stay strong..
goodness, i feel weird talking to and elder like this;
Think positive(:
you will be in my prayers


& thank you so much for your so kind comment,
that just boosted me up a little more confidence(:

Sandy said...

Hi,

I found your blog through my blog. I've spent the last hour perusing your inspirational and thoughtful words. Even if you don't win the tin, I'd love to send you a Bottle of Hope and might even have a visit to Winnipeg planned in March (if we get the contract). You can reach me at simple-inspirations(at)hotmail(dot)com.

Sandy

pRiyA said...

i was thinking about what you wrote for a very long time.
i can't even begin to empathize. anything i say would feel wrong.
if you were sitting in front of me and telling me this, i would just listen quietly and hold your hand.

oneartistjournal said...

Renee..I just hope you print out these pages and make them into a book to pass on to the many people who so deeply care for you...please don't just leave it on the blog to vanish, to become one of the 'older posts'.

..I also hope you'll do me the great honor and get together with Gil and in my journal, art from the heart the way you know how....Orly

Julie said...

Hi Renee,
I said.............I have to admit that I haven't read your blog in quite some time and just hearing about you crying, makes me cry too. I have for the most part only seen your strong, positive side, always coming to the aide of others. But of course you are just as human as the rest of us and you as well have that "other" side. It makes me so sad to know that you have been so sad and crying. As mentioned in another comment, if I could I would take a turn having your cancer. Just think if everyone who loves and cares about you, took a turn having your cancer, you/we would all live forever.
Even though we don't often talk (email), I hope you know that I think about you so often. I talk about you too.........but I only tell the good stuff.
Love your friend,
Julie

Jeri Aaron said...

You stopped by my blog for the OWOH posting - and in turn I came over to visit you. I've spent the last little while reading your words. Please know that in you, I see a woman of strength - God is with you.

Heather said...

*hugs* to you. I am in awe of the journey you are on. You are so strong and brave. My thoughts are with you--- and that angel painting is on her way! She's flying up to canada as we speak :) may she get there soon to make you smile!~

Sarah said...

Good afternoon Renee,
Just checking into see how you are doing today? Hugs, Sarah

Zom said...

dear Renee
I don't have cancer, but I feel what you say. I feel that guy sitting on my shoulder too, (though prob'ly not as palatably as you do). I don't know why or what it means. Except that it is true for all of us. We will lose everything we love and have ever loved.
Now who is being morbid?

thank you for your lovely comments. I feel honesty in you like a hammer.

Linda Sue said...

Your post is so beautiful, soulfull, real...I adore you! Some folks say that those with the reaper in the hood are the only ones knowing how to make the most out of this time , in this body. We are all terminal...some just don't think it's true -but I totally get it. I felt better after reading New Earth Ekhart Tolle, though it seems a bit lofty for me to grasp. I do believe we carry on. I do think that what we leave is significant. We are all in the same boat , darling, just some are more aware, some are caught by surprise, some never really come to terms. You are loved and you are giving the blogworld such wealth. I feel so lucky- adore you!

mansuetude said...

... is it any consolation to be such a beautiful writer, a communicator, at a time like this? ( )

you asked for two scoops of ice cream; what is your flavor?

I know a woman well who got breast cancer and though they opened her up so much, almost through her back (they left a hole she said the size of a fist; but that's fixing), & she beat it, after a year or more of hell, of us wondering, and it has changed her life. Changed her husband's life, too.

I hope light fills you.
Ice cream too, or whatever you love.

Debra said...

Renee,
I was so happy to read your comment on my blog, then I came over to see yours. I was immediately struck by your words and blog. I cannot imagine what you are going through. Yet we share some similarities. I am 52, I have three children, (although none married and no grandbabies). I do not have cancer, but in 2006 my son John, was diagnosed with Non-Hogkins Lymphoma. I know that I cannot feel what you feel, but it was hard to be there and part of that with my son and not feel at times, I too was facing our mortality. I know as he went through Chemo, and all the nasties that go along with it that part of me would be lost if I lost him. We were lucky, we prayed, Johns' cancer was caught in the early stages, and as luck (and yes, I know it was luck) would have it his room-mate was doing his residency with the leading Cancer Specialist and got John in. Even now as I dry my eyes I want to be there, hug you and say "If you are angry, be angry, shout, yell, rant, or just ponder, whatever you need to do, do it". I am here, I will listen and hear you, even when I do not understand. I believe intention and prayer helped John so I offer it up for you.

Julie-ann said...

Good morning Renee! Hope your having a good day and plenty of your lovely friends and family around you.

Anonymous said...

Pudding,

I am glad you and Ang were given the ability to live in denial - not all of us have it. Those like me who are stuck in the world of reality also sense the paralyzing fear of loosing the one they love more than life itself.

Fear and anxiety is like a shadow that haunts us and we have to look forward at sun so we don't see it.

Nadia

Alice said...

Thank you for repaying the visit, and for your comments, you're so kind.
Your honesty and openness is so beautiful and admirable.
Thank you for sharing.
Alice xoxox

Dawn said...

My words whatever I say will be inadequate, reading what you had to say - well they moved me. It helped me to feel and understand what you are going through and I can only hope that your journey will continue and that the road will not have to many obstacles. That you have many bright days and happy moments to take you away from the darkness that you are feeling - I told you that I am not the best with words, but I just wanted to say something to convey how you have touched my heart xxx

Couture de Papier said...

Prayers for you keep creating
come by my blog One Heart One World Giveaway..you have wonderful creations!

Julie said...

Oh my goodness, I am so mad at Google Reader for not sending me a notification of this post.

Many, many, many, a million hugs. Go ahead and cry, but don't let it beat you just yet. Spring is coming, the sun will come out soon. You are loved.

Don't get depressed. If you start to get depressed, I may have to fly over there and knock some happiness into you.

Tonya's Sewing Room said...

Your writing is brilliant. You remind me so much of my mom. She's faught breast cancer 2 times now. She was and still is the strongest woman I know. Hang in there, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Camille said...

You need to kick the monster back under the bed where he belongs. I, like Jacquie, pray to my angels to at least let you really enjoy whatever time you have left. Not to feel down & depressed for even one more day. It is too unfair. You of all people deserve to have more sunny days.

All your followers. How great it is to be able to make such a HUGE difference in all those people’s lives, as well as your families. I had to smile at your response to Ang. Arm in arm- back to denial we go! Maybe we can put that to the tune- "Hi Hoo, Hi Hoo it's back to denial we go" (real or not) it works for me. Love you Renee. You are such an inspiration to everyone who knows you. You are a true teacher.

Prozac said...

I feel your loss...

TheFancyChola said...

Your words, have made me so grateful for today. Thank You. I pray that your days are filled with happiness, and blessings.