Tuesday, January 5, 2010
What Kinda Bone
On December 1, 2009 I had the gastroscopy where Dr. Doerksen assumed that there were cancerous tumors in my stomach. Until pathology came back they would not know for sure. On December 16th I called him to find out what was going on as I just couldn’t stand the bat problem. He explained that pathology was having some issues but ‘Yes, in fact there is cancer in the stomach.’
Over the past two weeks I have had more CT scans, bone scans, and blood tests.
Wahid and I were talking yesterday morning before we went to see Dr. Grenier and I was saying how I just felt totally Zen. I just felt whatever is, is; and like he always says we will just deal with it and go through the process.
I have been asking myself the last few nights if it is worse because now another nail has been added to the coffin or if it was worse when I heard almost four years ago. Of course, really none of it is good, but it is better for me now then four years ago. Not the cancer situation of course, but just the realization of this is your life and you have to make the most of it.
On New Years Eve Paula called and asked to move up my appointment on the 4th to 9 a.m. but also wanted to let me know that they still did not have the pathology report done, but that pathology had promised it to her by the end of the day.
Yesterday morning when Wahid and I went to see Dr. Grenier I was seriously expecting to hear her say there was nothing they could do. That wasn’t the case and so that is a good thing.
I received pieces of bone this time: a chip here; a larger piece there; one with marrow; one they didn’t recognize; and one dry and brittle.
Because it is almost unheard of for breast cancer or Inflammatory Breast Cancer to go to the stomach they have got to redo all of the pathology samples and compare them to the original tissue samples that were taken four years ago.
The question on the report is they do not know if the cancer cells are breast cancer cells or stomach cancer cells or even a totally new cancer that has spread from somewhere else. Is this a new cancer originating in the stomach or from another secondary source?
Funny thing, not har har funny, this is all coming from a family with absolutely no history of cancer.
No treatment can be done as yet and will take minimally three weeks to find out what type of cancer it is. Dr. Grenier believes that because I have Stage 4 cancer it is probably 70% chance that it is IBC but there is a 30% chance that it isn’t. Of course they would be treated completely differently so there is nothing we can do now. On the other hand, she hates to wait because in IBC it is just days to weeks to months that things escalate.
In the meantime I will have to keep batting off the bats and choking down the food.
It is not in my liver and so I am thankful for small mercies.
Push on with all your determination, and
just when you feel defeated and blocked,
throw yourself into the gaping abyss before you –
into the ever-burning flame of your own nature.
All illusionary thoughts, feelings, and perceptions
will die with your Me, and your Self-nature will appear.
You will feel resurrected, truly healthy, and filled with joy and peace.
~~ Bassui Tokusho ~~
*artwork by Philip Bishop