Tuesday, 26 January 2010

Then And Now No. 2


March 13, 1998

Gwen died today, I couldn’t believe it. She died of cancer and her funeral is Wednesday. Mom called and she was so upset, I went over right away. Dad was crying too. Jacquie and Suzie and Peter came over and Mom and Dad felt a lot better after that.


January 26, 2010

What I can’t believe now is how naïve I was. Like I can’t believe she died? She had cancer for Christ’ sake!


March 18, 1998

Gwen’s funeral was today. Mom took a nerve pill before going to the funeral so she could stand it. Gwen was her best friend, as well as being her only friend she had left who was still alive.

Nadalene made Mom supper and bought her a hyacinth plant and a beautiful card. Mom was crying. Nadalene was showing Mom her pictures from Europe and it was a nice visit. But my heart felt like it was breaking for Mom. Nadalene drove home and was telling me how important friends are for seniors. I started crying in the car (just like I’m crying in bed) when she told me that in her University classes on the elderly they say that if a parent tells their children they are depressed; magnify that by a thousand, because they just won’t tell their children until they are at the end of their rope.

God please give Mom and Dad a restful night as I know they are both very upset.


January 26, 2010

I see that it is so true how we want to spare our children no matter what. We want them to be spared what we cannot spare ourselves. But of course that can’t work. I think by trying to spare them they would worry more. I believe it is much better to be honest and state how we feel and then we can move past it and so can they. They don’t have to wonder if we are hiding things from them.


January 2, 2001 (two thousand and one)

I am grateful that I like my children and I like my husband. It is 7:31 p.m. and I am in bed, I started my periods today, and I both look and feel like death warmed over. (Is that right? Mom always says that and now that I’ve written it out, I don’t know what it means.) Anyways, I’m exhausted. I always feel like I do nothing for me, but I just realized I said ‘I’ thirteen times in this short block of sentences.


January 26, 2010

I definitely know what death warmed over is now. And I am still about ‘I’.


June 16, 2001

Major beliefs that have shaped my life and been drilled into my head by my Mom and Dad: love one another; treat others as you want to be treated; do not judge; if you have something nice to say to someone then say it; and no one is better than you and you are no better than them; and finally, there but for the grace of God go I.


January 26, 2010

These happen to be the same beliefs that I have drilled into my own children’s heads. I think they are good ones.


Sarah said...

They are very good ones Renee. Have you seen your Mum a lot this week? xx

The Dutchess said...

If you have something nice to say to someone then say it...So true..we to often forget..to busy with our own lives..Have a nice day dearest..a day with a smile:))
Hug T.D

Carrie @ Cottage Cozy said...

I loved your post, Renee. It really made me stop and think (good thoughts, interesting thoughts, and "uh uh thoughts too)

Love you... Stay Cozy, Carrie

Dean Grey said...


They are indeed good beliefs!


Art by Darla Kay said...

Hi Renee!
I've been having some computer issues so sorry I've been a little MIA lately!
I think that your parents did an outstanding job teaching you and you have also brought your children up to shine just as brightly!

kj said...

these then and nows are my favorites these days.

it is early morning and i soon leave for work. i'm glad i read this first. you have a way of looking at the world, renee, that is void of conflict.

even the way you say "I" "I" "I" as if you are a self absorbed person is so sweet, given that self absorbed is clearly NOT who you are.

this is another example of how you inspire, how you teach.

i love you for it, renee.

love kj who only used "I" six times

Cate said...

All very important lessons, thanks for the reminder. Now, I too shall do some reminding of my own.

Most of us are consumed with 'not' saying something nice and being critical. If we all stop and pay attention to how many times in a day that we are critical...we'll realize just how negative we really are. From the 'Why did she wear that', to 'I can't stand how she yammers on' to 'Did you see that awful child in the market'...all nothing but negative energy. Time to take notice of how much of that we really send out into the universe.

Hope your day is pleasant, and stress free.

Sending love and positive, healing energy your way!

Bridgett said...

Isn't it funny, looking back, how naive we often seem to ourselves?

I look back to the posts I wrote on my blog almost seven years ago and it's like I'm a different person now.

Have a wonderful day, love.


Momo Luna S!gnals said...

They're absolutely good ones sweet Renee, and you also show your love and respect here in your posts. I also learn my 2 sons to be respectfull and care for other people.

Today i said 3 x nice things to my collegeas, and that feels so good. :-)

Renee, you are such a sweetheart and i wish you a nice day and a even better tomorrow.

sweet greetz and xoxo, Monica

Vicki Holdwick said...


You have humbled me once again. You are so clear in your notions of what is the really important "stuff" in life.

I hope you are doing okay and that those damn bats are giving you some peace these days.



Arija said...

Some days everything just sucks... and this from someone who 'accentuates the positive and eliminates the negative, latches on to the affermative and (usually manages to) get rid of Mr.Inbetween'.

Just hang in there girl!

xxx said...

you are often in my thoughts
and if you could read my mind we would chat often.

you are always in my heart.

thank you for all that you share.

xoxo Ribbon

Woman in a Window said...

I think so, too.

I away!

Diva Kreszl said...

Interesting how the passage of time and personal experience can change our viewpoint on some things yet some truths are timeless! Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us dear one.

Annie said...

They are beautiful beliefs Renee.
Kisses and hugs to you and Mum and sisters and the whole family.
xoxo ♥

Silke Powers said...

Such wonderful lessons, Renee!! I love these posts of yours! I often think back a few years of what I thought then I had figured out and realize now that I had no clue and I still may not have one now... Thinking of you - always!! Love, Silke

Calli said...

I loved this dialogue between then and now. Words of wisdom spoken with grace...

warm thoughts sent your way, Renee~
Calli Renee xo

Oh, I like today's word verification :)

Unknown said...

Hi Renee!!! you always make me think about things ....and I love that about you....thank you for being the change agent in my life...and thank you for always making me more aware...you have a gift and I am glad you share it with me...

Hope you have a good day!!


Manon said...

Morning my dear sisterfriend!! Your posts always make me think. Always!
Your Mom and Dad's beliefs are also my own!! Those are words to live by!!
love you

Deborah said...

These are very good things...the beliefs that only grow stronger through life. Funny how when I was young, even though I loved my Mommy, I certainly did not want to BE like her...now I catch a glimpse of her in the mirror, or I hear her words come from my mouth, or I move a certain way, and I smile and am thankful to be like my Mommy. I am stronger than I ever thought I was...so are you, and so your daughters will be. All my love to you, Deb ♥♥♥

A.Smith said...

We have always shared good and bad, stands to good reason we should share this lousy chapter. It will be over soon, maybe my heart desiring so will make the Universe change its mind about teaching me a lesson that you don't need to learn,

I love you, I am thinking of you, and sending you waves of affection to keep you from feeling worse. Is it possible? not the waves, but the feeling worse? For that reason along there is hope we shall feel better. I love you and I know in my tired bones that we shall win this round. I don't know about the other rounds, but this one is ours.

Holding your hand with much love and sending love to you, Jacquie and your dear Mother. Spring is coming, I can hear its soft steps already in my heart. LALF.

Renee, Allegra asked me to type this for her and I send you best wishes for a full and speedy recovery, be well. She loves you.

Ces Adorio said...

You have a beautiful family Renee and your parents are wonderful people who will live in your hearts forever. I hope you are doing well today. Tsup!

Marion said...

Yes, great beliefs, dearest Renee. May you have a batless, beautiful day, my friend. I love you. Blessings!

Lilacrobin said...

Dear Renee,
Warm greetings from gray, rain-soaked San Francisco. Words hit home - big time. The most important messages in life are those that you listed - during all of those years and different entries. Perhaps the main one being "don't hold back your love or friendship".....don't be silent - speak out.

You don't have to worry about us - your loving bloggers - we tell you (and your family) how loved you are.

Have you given any thought to video taping a message from you to your Mother? I still think it's a good idea....

Love and many prayers,


p.s. Hey - I only used "I" once!

kj said...

Hmmm, so, I've been practicing:

I have your wallet, pattee's checkbook, and sonia's moleskine

hee hee you assigned me a good job

I will read tarot cards too

and of course I will share (mostly) everything


Rosaria Williams said...

What a beautiful legacy of words and sentiments you are leaving behind. What is there but our soul? How can we touch each other except through and through with words and acts of kindness. We are all mortals. We are here just a little while, but those who knew us will carry a bit of us with them and so on and so on. We become part of the bigger whole.

Love your words. Love your courage. Love your honesty.

One day,soon, you and I will meet and laugh our heads off.

kj said...

Ah but beloved, I got offered $25 for it as is.

Should I?

We could buy a good sized bottle of sambuca with $25


Sue said...

I think it is so enpowering and enlightening that you have a journal from years past. Interesting to see how our perspective on things change....and stay the same in many cases.

Great post Renee!


P.S. If I could rig the Random Number Generator for Cordula in your favour, I would!

Love to you

SparkleQueen said...

what an interesting story :) I enjoyed reading it... and the artwork that comes with your posts are very enjoyable as well :)


Unknown said...

Renee..you are the lease "I" person I know! Honestly when you really feel like death warmed over "I" is where you have to be hon!
That said..I am sorry you are feeling so horrid hon...I want to take this from you ..I wish I could do more. My swan wings are encircling you every night as I send you Reiki. Is there any area you would like me to focus on hon?
I have no doubt that you have passed this amazing spirit of yours on to your children! That I may be as lucky to do the same with mine!!
Love you my dear friend!
Feathery hugs, Sarah

Unknown said...

and here, by the grace of God , am I.

Great-Granny Grandma said...

Oh my sweet friend, Renee, you are most definitely not about "I."

Purpur said...

I think of death today as well. My friend would have a birthday today, only he died 25 years ago. But I always remember and feel sad.

Laura said...

Very good ones. Renee here's my nice thing to say to you in this moment: Your honesty, courage and bright spirit lift me up to a higher place. Thank you. I'm linking your blog to mine so you can do the same for readers who have not yet met you.

be gentle with yourself dear one,

secret agent woman said...

The are definitely good beliefs to teach your children. And your naivete' wasn't a foolish thing - it's okay to be shocked when you lose someone, mo matter how.

AND. I am so very happy you liked the book - it looked so much like you to me. A very small thing, but it gave me great joy to send it.

turquoise cro said...

Yes, the greatest of all is LOVE!(((((Renee)))))

LDWatkins said...

Those are good beliefs to teach, and you must be about 'you'. You are not about 'I'. There is a difference. Not sure how to explain what I mean. I'm going to miss you for a few days. Love and warm wishes to you, LYnda

Draffin Bears said...

Hi Renee,

You have a beautiful family and I like how you have so much love for each other.
My husband's, brother's wife has just lost her brother to liver cancer - he is only 55.

Sending love and hugs to you, dear one.

Carolyn xo

yoborobo said...

Renee - my mom always said to me, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." I guess I wasn't supposed to talk much. :) We were taught the Golden Rule, too. I'm grateful for the lessons they gave me when I was young, but when I was young, I just rolled my eyes at them. When they weren't looking, of course. :)

Then: I thought you had to actually see and be with a person to have that person as a dear friend.

Now: I know better.

Much love to you and your family - Pam

Rick said...

I sure like how it ended, Renee. Much love to you. ~rick

Barbara said...

Love reading your thens and nows. Such honest truths.
And yes, those are good beliefs.

Unspoken said...

Renee, they are good. Life does so many things to us, but we get to choose how we will be to others and if we will give them more to carry than they already do.

Thinking of you! And wishing I could ease your heart.


~Babs said...

I'm thinking of:
Proverbs 22:6
"Train up a child in the way he should go;and when he is old he will not depart from it.

Your parents did it, and so have you. A job well done, Renee,,,

Mystic Thistle said...

Yes, they are very good ones! It is my first time visiting your blog today. I feel lots of peace here.

aimee said...

this is a fascinating post renee - how interesting it must be to go back to an old you from five or ten years ago and compare your thoughts to see what has changed and what has remained the same.

tattytiara said...

Definitely good ones.

I've kept diaries all my life in the writing sense and kept none of them in the sense of not throwing them away. It's interesting to read your current perspectives on your older entries.

Bella Sinclair said...

It is heartening to know that even as adults, we are still growing up and learning.

Of course, the other way to look at it is that even as adults, we still don't know jack sometimes.

Love to you, darling.

Dede said...

Your beliefs are awesome! I do believe they are the reason that your family is so awesome. Love you Renee....


Karin Bartimole said...

sigh, your then and now's always leave me not knowing what to say...
your card arrived today - thank you my friend. i love you, Karin

Lori ann said...

you are brave to look back. i don't think i am that brave.

then i'm not brave enough to look to the future either.

which is why i live in the moment, not because i'm enlighted, but because i'm a chicken.

your rules are my rules too renee. i knew there was a reason i like you so much.

we are good moms.

i love you renee.

Alexa said...

Renee ... xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

... It's 3 a.m. here and I'm about to stick a molten chocolate ganache cake into the oven. Dammit, I love being alive.

Being alive and *feeling* it in a ferociously mothering, loving way because we know what death warmed over feels like, and every moment is so *precious* ...


Chrisy said...

Yes these are the values we all need to be reminded of occasionally dearheart. I love you darlin.

Baino said...

I'm always sad to read these. Although the wisdom that comes out of them is always so enlightening and heartfelt.

Maggie May said...

What great beliefs Renee.
Being naive can sometimes help us to carry on.
I try to copy your bravery.
Wishing you well and hoping your day will be full of good things.

Nuts in May

soulbrush said...

sitting here
feeling blue
think of you
now not so blue!
you are you
so real
so pure
i would like to be like you!

Gberger said...

Your parents are naturally wise and loving. What a gift, to be raised by such practical, good and kind people. I see you are giving your children those same gifts...they are blessed to have such a lineage!

Your reflections upon "then & now" are illuminating for me. I am not sure if I'm brave enough to read my old journals just now. It takes a lot of humility, courage and awareness to look at such things in the light. Of course, you are humble, courageous, aware AND funny. I love you.

Angie Muresan said...

They are wonderful beliefs, Renee. I love how you share the lessons you have learned between now and then. Thinking of you, and sending armfuls of love and hugs your way.


Anonymous said...

Renee, your beliefs taught to you by your mother are so eternal, and worth handing down to our children.
Love you, Barb

BT said...

I find your then and now posts so interesting Renee. I hope you are feeling reasonably ok.

Eugen Caitaz said...

Renee, I think you need to write one book, one real book, about your life, it will be very interesting!!! I Hope that soon, all of us, will hold in our hands your intersting book! ;)