Sounds Reasonable, Right?

Underneath my beard I am not lovely at all.

I probably owe Colette a huge apology, but I don’t think I’m going to give it to her.

Colette called me on Thursday and said that she would be coming in to bring Jacquie home on Friday and so she will sleep over that night but will be leaving first thing Saturday to go camping with her family.  Oh please, don’t do me any favours?

I, trying to hold back tears, say that I don’t think I will be home.  That I already have plans.  In my mind, I am thinking where I can hide in the house if she comes over and Jacquie lets her in.  I need to take my key back from Jacquie.

Sounds reasonable, right?

I knew I was coming down with a case of the sours along with a case of sadness on Friday when I read Shelly’s answer to my blog.  ‘How fun will this be?’ she wrote.  I don’t know, you tell me.  How condescending.

Sounds reasonable, right?

Colette comes to my house carrying gifts.

She brought a bound copy of my blog, along with some pictures of me at the time I was diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer.  There is even an 8 x 10 picture.  ‘I really like this picture of you, do you?’  “No.  I don’t like it at all. I don’t like this binder you put the blog in either.  I do love the idea of the blog though.  This is not how I would want it done though.”

Sounds reasonable, right?

Colette keeps saying that she should just drive home tonight.  I’m like while you should sleep over Colette and go in the morning so you don’t have to drive in the dark.  ‘It will be dark in the morning too because I will be leaving around 5:30 a.m.  Maybe, I will just go tonight.’  “Go then, if that is what you want to do.”  I totally feel like such a charity case.

Sounds reasonable, right?

Attending a birthday party for Grace on Sunday, I fall off of a chair at Jacquie’s house.  Reaction completely exaggerated to the situation.  Look beside me and see Brett is in tears because I fell, Jeff is looking at me like he is scared, Luke has a look of pure compassion as he pats my hand, and everyone else is looking at me.  I start crying.  Feel like such a spectacle.

Sounds reasonable, right?

Tuesday, Jacquie phones ‘What time do you want me to pick you up for picc care?  Do you want to go for breakfast?  Do you need me to pick you up after group?’  No, I don’t think so because Shelly always picks me up.

Phone Shelly for a ride from group.  ‘Yeah that should be okay.  What time?  I will have to get one of the boys to come and answer the phones.  No, yeah that will be fine.’  Feel like I just pulled my own tooth.

Wait 10 minutes and phone her back telling her I don’t need her to pick me up I have another ride.  The rides name is transit if Jacquie can’t pick me up.

Sounds reasonable, right?

Jacquie can you pick me up from group too?  ‘Sure no problem.’

Jacquie is truly the only person besides my family who never makes me feel like a beggar.  In a way, I resent her for this too.  Because I want to be angry and I know that would be blatantly unjust.

Sounds reasonable, right?

At group yesterday, I said that I would pass on my cancer to any of my siblings if it meant that I didn’t have cancer anymore.  I thought everyone would feel the same way as I do and I am surprised that no one does, except for maybe Noreen.  I am truly a monster.

Sounds reasonable, right?

I know that my reactions to these situations are completely unnecessary and exaggerated, and to a certain extent unreasonable.

I think (even though I know it is bizarre to think that way) that being sick has made me weak, a pitiable creature, a chore; someone people feel sorry for.  That is what I hate.

I was never supposed to be the person with cancer.  I was supposed to be the person that was a friend of the person with cancer.

This is so difficult.  Having cancer.  Having treatment for cancer.  Not having treatment for cancer.  Having no one around who does not live in my head and my body to see and know how I feel.

I feel like I am a ‘Loser’ and somehow I have lost the game.  I am ashamed of my cancer.  I can tell you I struggle with that sometimes, even though rationally I know it is crazy.

I feel that when people come to see me, it is an obligation.  A pit stop on their way to their true destination.  A chore similar to Prince Charming having to muck out the Ugly Stepsisters outhouse before he can attend the Ball.

At this time I can not give a true apology to Colette, as I feel much sorrier for myself than I do for how I acted.  I’m just tired of it.

Sounds reasonable, right?

G Is For

Gerry (brother)
Gemma (sister-in-law)
Gilbert (brother-in-law)
Gord (brother-in-law and nephew)
Grace (great niece)

Grapefruit (interferes with my medication)
Giraffe (tallest land animal – saw some in California)
Ghosts (boo)
Grandparents (Wahid and I)
God (love and comfort)

Garden (at 14 tried to plant one on Elizabeth Road by myself)
Galaxy (we’re not alone – estimated hundreds of billions)
Graveyard (Archibald)
Greece (cruise)
Great Lakes (been to all five)

Grateful (when I’m sick)
Grace (Thank you our Lord)
Grooviest Girl (Grandma’s girl)
Gemini (Josephine)
Gloomy (dress I often wear)

Graceful (Angelique and Nadalene)
Get on my nerves (one left)
Gift of the gab (Ste. Marie)
Go through the motions (no feelings whatsoever)
Grab the bull by the horns (deal head-on with difficulty)

Enjoy The Trip

At the second-last meeting of the Stress Reduction Group I asked if everyone would bring in some words or quotes that inspire and help them deal with their cancer.  I remember that Angie brought in some psalms, but I don’t recall what anyone else brought.

These are the words that comfort me.  They are written by Pema Chodron who is a Buddhist nun.  She is describing life:

It’s like getting into a boat that is just about to sail out to sea and sink.
There are no life rafts, no floats and no one gets out alive.
Rather than try to ward off the inevitable,
Why not accept it and enjoy the trip?

For me it was comforting knowing that I was not doing anything out of the ordinary.  I was going to die and so was everyone else.

Once again we were all in the same boat and the fact that death was inevitable and that we can still enjoy our life helped me.

Tagged

I will wait here; you go grab a cup of tea and settle in to answer some questions.

I was tagged by my darling friend Heidi and now I am tagging you.  Knowing people a little better is what we are all here for.

These questions are for your entire life.  If you have done any of them state them on the comment part of my blog.  If you can, expand on your answers just because it is more fun that way.

Gone on a blind date = no, but one time when I was 16 a neighbour guy who was about 22 came to the door all dressed up in a suit and had flowers in his hands.  He asked me to go out to the movies and tried to give me the flowers he was holding.  I said no, but that I would set him up with my sister Suzie who was more his age, so I called Suzie to the door and she went out with him.

Skipped school = yes, more than once.  Ms. Heidi, I believe I skipped with you.

Watched someone die = yes I have seen my friends Jill and Angie while they were dying and it was both horrible and an honour.  I also saw my Nana in a coma after a house fire where I believe she tried to save her dog.  And every Tuesday I get to see brave women who are living while they are in different stages of dying.  Seeing my dear friend Darlene dying was also especially hard.  I did not find any peace from any of my dear ones dying.

Been to Canada = I live in Canada but as a teenager I was lucky enough to travel all across Canada.  I have not been to Newfoundland and I have never been in the Territories.

Been to Mexico = yes, but I have only been in a border town.  Tijuana?  I am a shallow tourist because I don’t want to see the poverty in front of me.  I guess I would be called an ostrich tourist.

Been to Florida = yes on my honeymoon.  A little story.  This is the time before credit cards being common and we didn’t have much money.  It was a honeymoon on a budget.  I remember being at the airport and wanting to spend our last $100 and Wahid wanting to save it in case we got bumped somewhere (by the way, we did).  I remember being so pissed off and thinking why did I marry such a cheap bastard.  My prince charming had sprung a leak.

Been on a plane = yes too many to count.  I worked for Air Canada at one point and we traveled by plane for free.  I use to love it until one time flying from Trinidad to Tobago the plane dropped and we were lifted about 10 inches off of our seats.  It still surprises me to this day though that I sat with Angelique and Nadalene (Nathan wasn’t born yet) and said “Wow, wasn’t that fun.  I sure hope they do that again.”  Now just before I fly I take a fear of flying course on the internet that Shelly hooked me up to.

Been lost = yes.  The first time I remember being lost I was 9 years old and we had moved to Windsor Park.  I was walking home from Frontenac School at lunch and instead of turning onto Elizabeth Road I kept walking down DuBourmont to Dugas.  I then stopped at a house and knocked on the door.  An older lady got her neighbour’s son to walk me back to school, when I got to Elizabeth, I remembered it was my street and he walked me home.  I have also been left behind by my parents a couple of times when I was a small child but that was not the question, so I will zip those stories back in my lips for now.

Gone to Washington, D.C. = yes.

Swam in the ocean = yes, the Pacific and the Atlantic.

Cried yourself to sleep = yes, I have actually become a pro at that.

Played cops and robbers = yes, only we called it cowboys and Indians.

Recently coloured with crayons = no, although Angelique and I almost bought a giant colouring book at Costco.

Sang Karaoke = no, unless you consider Karaoke singing in Wahid’s ear while we are waltzing.  We both sing completely out of tune.  But being out-of-tune together has a melody all its own.

Paid for a meal with coins only = absolutely, and those coins had a lot of pennies with them.  I mean they are legal tender aren’t they?

Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t = yes, yes, and yes.

Made prank phone calls = yes and I believe these were done when I was in the presence of Heidi and Shirley.  I still remember ‘Hello is your fridge running?  Well you better go catch it.'
And the scariest mother of them all 'I know who you are and
I saw what you did.'

Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose = yes, and sometimes those are the best kind of laughs because they are so unexpected.

Caught a snowflake on your tongue = yes, hasn’t everyone who has the opportunity to live in a cold country?

Danced in the rain = no, but I am compiling a list of 52 things to do before I am 53 and that seems like a good thing to do.

Written a letter to Santa Claus = yes.  I was also Santa Claus’s secretary for many years so I even wrote letters on his behalf.

Been kissed under the mistletoe = yes, but not under real mistletoe.  But I have been kissed under fake mistletoe.

Watched the sunrise or moonrise with someone you care about = yes to both.

Blown bubbles = yes, and I still do whenever I get gum in my mouth.

Gone ice-skating = yes, all the time as a kid.  Most of the time at Maginot.

Been skinny-dipping outdoors = no.

Gone to the movies = of course.  I even went to see the first Lord of the Rings movie alone at St. Vital Centre.  Actually I would recommend it to anyone, it was really empowering.

Thanks for the fun Heidi.  Ciao.

Mummers Dance

Because you all listen to me and send me your thoughts I want to show my appreciation by sending you the most wonderful magical song by Loreena McKennitt.

The song the Mummers Dance is a song I have been digging and listening to over and over again.

Be prepared for the Mummers Dance to remind your soul that it has wings.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=PBT7eZSSS4I

The lyrics to the Mummers Dance:

When in the springtime of the year
When the trees are crowned with leaves
When the ash and oak, and the birch and yew
Are dressed in ribbons fair

When owls call the breathless moon
In the blue veil of the night
The shadows of the trees appear
Amidst the lantern light

We've been rambling all the night
And some time of this day
Now returning back again
we bring a garland gay

Who will go down to those shady groves
And summon the shadows there
And tie a ribbon on those sheltering arms
In the springtime of the year

The songs of birds seem to fill the wood
That when the fiddler plays
All their voices can be heard
Long past their woodland days

We've been rambling all the night
And some time of this day
Now returning back again
we bring a garland gay

And so they linked their hands and danced
Round in circles and in rows
And so the journey of the night descends
When all the shades are gone

"A garland gay we bring you here
And at your door we stand
It is a sprout well budded out
The work of Our Lord's hand"

We've been rambling all the night
And some time of this day
Now returning back again
we bring a garland gay

It truly is the springtime of the year.   I love you all.

Center Of My Circle

When Yvette and I were both working at Tax we would listen to Harry Potter on tape.  We shared our tapes and our love of the story.  We also shared our dislike of the Dementors in the series and would describe to each other how similar so many people in our office were.  (I know  that was Dementor behaviour on our part.)

Dementors are beings that suck the life out of a person.  Literally they would put their mouth on yours and give you the kiss of death.  Where they were there was no joy, everyone in their vicinity was left with a feeling of utter despair.  We all know the refrain from the Dementors theme song; gloom and doom and doom and gloom, life is shitty and so are the people in it, mope, mope and more mope, gloom and doom and doom and gloom.

See how they can suck you in.  I am totally getting away from myself because I am not here to talk about Harry Potter or Dementors.  I am here to talk about the opposite of Dementors.

I am here to talk about Life-Lifters, which Yvette is one of and Jill was the master of.

My concept of a Life-Lifter is very simple.  It is a person that chooses to uplift everyone around them.  They are the type of people that after talking to them you always feel better, even if you can't remember what they said.  They are the people who seem to have it altogether even if they swear that they don’t.  People like to be around them because they are really interested in you as a person, as another human being on this planet.  They care about your well-being and they want you to be happy.  They themselves are happy.

I try to foster acceptance and understanding by living life as a Life-Lifter by:

Doing the small things that make life special.
Giving freely, without expectations.
Smiling at people.
Being grateful.
Looking people in the eyes when talking to them.
Thinking of others.
Wishing upon a star.
Being sincere.
Delighting in delighting others.
Laughing at myself.
Staying calm.
Knowing that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Living by my word and meaning what I say.
Being friendly.
Learning consistently.
Giving others a feeling of safety and understanding.
Seeing things in a positive manner.
Sharing hope and joy.
Understanding that everyone is special.
Being patient and kind.
Quietly doing things for others.
Not being a martyr.
Having a global conscience.
Making life better for those around me.
Being forgiving.
Giving people the benefit of the doubt.
Trusting in God.
Being honest.
Loving life.
Believing that dragons sing within the rocky mountains.
Talking to young children, especially teens.
Not feeling sorry for myself which is not the same as sometimes feeling sad for myself.

We need less Dementors in this world and more Life-Lifters.  What do you say, do you want to hop on board?

Lets you and I choose to be the Life-Lifters within our circle.  Pass on a kindness today even if it is just a little smile.  Some soul out there needs it.  And if it is you that needs it, then I am sending it to you.  If you look you will find it in a child’s face.

So from the center of my circle I am sending all of you positive thoughts to your circle and beyond.

F Is For

Fluffy (alias for dear one)
Flo (friend)
Fernand (father’s middle name)
Father (positive)
Family (soul travelers)

Fig (fried plantain)
Flamingo (pink bird on stilts = magic)
Falling Star (is not a star)
Friend (heart travelers)
Fairy (clap your hands)

Facebook (entertainment)
Fishbowl (going in circles with an audience)
Florida (honeymoon)
Freezer (not CSI, I will not be put in one when I die)
France (ancestors)

Fall (beautiful time of year)
February (parents anniversary)
Forty-nine (diagnosed with cancer)
Fifty-two (age)
Full-moon (Josephine was born)

Frightened (some times)
Forget-me-not (don’t forget me)
For the love of Pete (for shit sake)
Famine (grain up 88%, wheat up 181%, rice up 50% since 2007)
Fight an uphill battle (struggle against unfavourable circumstances)