Friday, 8 August 2008

Let The Games Begin

100-Meter Dash: Couldn’t finish; too far.

Long Jump: Couldn’t reach landing pit; twisted ankle.

Shot Put: Refused to pick up ant-covered shot; disqualified.

Rowing: Whipped teammates with belt to make them row faster; disqualified.

10-Meter Diving: Platform too high.

Swimming: Starting block too high.

Fencing: Threw handful of dirt in opponent’s eyes; disqualified.

Badminton: Bit off opponent’s ear; disqualified.

400-Meter Dash: Joined race for last 10 meters. Spit ear across finish line at last second to win; disqualified.

Marathon: Got lost.

Discus: Not sure what to do with it.

Tennis: Expelled for so-called skimpy shorts.

Boxing: Knocked out; knocked out; knocked out. Put boxing gloves back up on shelf; they fell off and knocked me out.

High Jump: Optical illusion made it look like I jumped under the bar.

Victory Lap: Apparently no such event.

Some Other Race: Inadvertently won a different race while doing victory lap; disqualified.

Archery: Unable to string bow.

Javelin: O mighty javelin, greatest and most beautiful of spears! Thy sharped point saved Thebes and scattered thine enemies like grebes! Hail to thee, O javelin! (Overslept; missed tryout.)

Mystery Sport: Not exactly sure what this sport was, but I was awarded 22 “unprovoked tries,” whatever they are. Or maybe I was penalized 22 unprovoked tries. Not sure.

Table Tennis: Not allowed to wear my protective mask, chest protector or cup; quit in protest.

Cycling: Not very good at this, so I thought maybe I could make team by coming out on a really small “joke” bicycle. Really, if you saw this thing, how tiny it is, you’d say, “Come on, we gotta put him on the team.” (Never heard back.)

Uneven Bars: Not sure how to get onto upper bar.

Balance Beam: I have no idea what this is.

Rings: No, French fries! (No response from judges.)

Weight Lifting: This has to be the dumbest sport ever. No one could lift those weights! They’re too heavy! You’d have to be a muscleman or something.

Sailing: Unable to locate ocean.

Hurdles: Isn’t it actually harder to run around the hurdles, weaving in and out, than over them? This is the point I was trying to make.

Equestrian: Should be made clear, beforehand, that a horse is required for this.

Tryout For Job As Olympic Official: Couldn’t figure out how to work timing clock; gave winner in 100 meters a time of 10 “guess” seconds; not hired.

Tryout For Job As Cotton-Candy Maker: Cotton candy came out “molten” not hired.

Tryout For Spectator: Apparently I have a loud, constant cough that sounds like a starting pistol; barred from stands.

Don Baiting: Reminded my friend Don how great his ex-wife was; made him cry!

~~ Jack Handey on events at this years Olympics in
Beijing, China ~~

Good Luck Canada


jacquie said...

posted by the most competitive person (next to ben)that i know, so i loved it.
go canada go.

Anonymous said...

Made me pee myself laughing, thanks for the fun, Man makes a person want to get caught up in the games. Honestly, where do you find your ideas for writing, LOve them and love you too.

Mickey said...

Hilarious I love the High Jump = optical illusion and the weight lifting one = you'd have the be a muscleman they are all funny but I laughed so hard at these two for some reason.