Friday, 8 August 2008
Let The Games Begin
100-Meter Dash: Couldn’t finish; too far.
Long Jump: Couldn’t reach landing pit; twisted ankle.
Shot Put: Refused to pick up ant-covered shot; disqualified.
Rowing: Whipped teammates with belt to make them row faster; disqualified.
10-Meter Diving: Platform too high.
Swimming: Starting block too high.
Fencing: Threw handful of dirt in opponent’s eyes; disqualified.
Badminton: Bit off opponent’s ear; disqualified.
400-Meter Dash: Joined race for last 10 meters. Spit ear across finish line at last second to win; disqualified.
Marathon: Got lost.
Discus: Not sure what to do with it.
Tennis: Expelled for so-called skimpy shorts.
Boxing: Knocked out; knocked out; knocked out. Put boxing gloves back up on shelf; they fell off and knocked me out.
High Jump: Optical illusion made it look like I jumped under the bar.
Victory Lap: Apparently no such event.
Some Other Race: Inadvertently won a different race while doing victory lap; disqualified.
Archery: Unable to string bow.
Javelin: O mighty javelin, greatest and most beautiful of spears! Thy sharped point saved Thebes and scattered thine enemies like grebes! Hail to thee, O javelin! (Overslept; missed tryout.)
Mystery Sport: Not exactly sure what this sport was, but I was awarded 22 “unprovoked tries,” whatever they are. Or maybe I was penalized 22 unprovoked tries. Not sure.
Table Tennis: Not allowed to wear my protective mask, chest protector or cup; quit in protest.
Cycling: Not very good at this, so I thought maybe I could make team by coming out on a really small “joke” bicycle. Really, if you saw this thing, how tiny it is, you’d say, “Come on, we gotta put him on the team.” (Never heard back.)
Uneven Bars: Not sure how to get onto upper bar.
Balance Beam: I have no idea what this is.
Rings: No, French fries! (No response from judges.)
Weight Lifting: This has to be the dumbest sport ever. No one could lift those weights! They’re too heavy! You’d have to be a muscleman or something.
Sailing: Unable to locate ocean.
Hurdles: Isn’t it actually harder to run around the hurdles, weaving in and out, than over them? This is the point I was trying to make.
Equestrian: Should be made clear, beforehand, that a horse is required for this.
Tryout For Job As Olympic Official: Couldn’t figure out how to work timing clock; gave winner in 100 meters a time of 10 “guess” seconds; not hired.
Tryout For Job As Cotton-Candy Maker: Cotton candy came out “molten” not hired.
Tryout For Spectator: Apparently I have a loud, constant cough that sounds like a starting pistol; barred from stands.
Don Baiting: Reminded my friend Don how great his ex-wife was; made him cry!
~~ Jack Handey on events at this years Olympics in
Beijing, China ~~
Good Luck Canada