Tuesday, 12 August 2008
Serving Up Bone
People keep asking me when I go to get the results from my scans (bone, CT, tumor and blood). I keep lying and say I’m not sure, I think it is sometime in the middle of August. As a matter of fact I even lied to Angelique yesterday by pretending I hadn’t known when my test was.
Sorry Angelique, the only reason is I don’t want to be the cause of more anxiety for you than I already am. That is true for everyone I have lied too. And I am just realizing I have lied to a lot of people over the last week. Even Pat in my group, because I didn’t want her to even give it a thought over the weekend as I know her son is coming in. Sorry Mom, Mickey, and Colette I didn’t want to have your holidays ruined. Sorry Jacquie, I know that you have more than enough on your plate without adding another 224 pounds to the mix.
My appointment to see Dr. Grenier was yesterday on the 11th of August. The pre-game show started on Sunday evening and it went something like this.
“God, please don’t let it get worse. Please God. I would love to have it cured but I know that won’t happen. Please God let it at least be stable. Why are you doing this to yourself other people have prayed for healing. Are you so arrogant that you think your prayers will be heard over theirs. You know how you feel when you hear about the guy who stopped to take his kid to school or buy new runners at the world trade centre so therefore was spared. I hate those stories because at the end of them they finish with; so God must have great plans for them. God spared them for a reason. Okay…. Why wasn’t Jill, Angie, Helen, or Darlene spared? Didn’t God see the potential in them? Okay, enough already. Please God, let it be stable.”
Wahid is on holidays this week, so I started the morning off yesterday by debating whether or not to tell him that I was going to see Dr. Grenier for my results. And deciding in my mind whether I wanted him to come in with me or just drop me off. I decided that he would come in with me.
Next I debated for a few minutes whether or not I should take one of Jacquie’s nerve pills. This is how the debate went down “Should I take a pill? Really, whatever it is; it is and I can’t change it. The reality is that I have to accept whatever the results are. I can’t numb myself to it. It is going to be what it is. I can’t work myself in a state every time this happens, I will drive myself nuts. Learn to calm down. This is your life. This is your reality. You need to be alert.” Okay, I didn’t need to take a pill.
I went to see Dr. Grenier to see if she would toss me a bone or at the very least shoot me with a water pistol and not a revolver with a bullet.
The usual suspects were present with the exception of my dear nurse Lori who is now at the Breast Cancer Centre of Hope. I had another nurse and I can’t even remember what her name is.
This nameless nurse weighs me and tells me I have gained four pounds and now weigh 224. Anyone who seriously knows me knows that I don’t give two shits about that. She asks me about the lesions that were on my skin and I tell her that the biopsy was done by a dermatologist and that they are not cancer. Of course I am telling her all of this in dog-speak.
In attendance was Wahid playing the role of the husband, my doctor playing the role of the doctor and me playing the role of the groveling dog begging for the bone.
Wahid and I are in the office, they always shut the door and I always open it. I hate the door closed. It reminds me that something will close on me permanently and right now, while I can, I want the door open. We wait for about ten minutes and I just sit and Wahid holds my paw.
Dr. Grenier was looking drop-dead gorgeous as usual. Wahid was looking mellow. I was there and my fur was white and I was actually wearing a waitress outfit. I was hoping that if something was seriously wrong she would see that I was a hardworking dog and handover the miracle cure for my type of cancer. No luck though.
‘Good morning Renee, how are you?’ Woof woof. ‘We got your test results back and nothing has changed. Everything is stable. The bones are stable. The lesions on the ovary have not changed. Stable is good.’
I start to cry (just tears dripping down). ‘Oh poor Renee. You have been through so much. It is good news and you will be able to stay on the Femara. I know that you are in a lot of pain and we will have to find something that works on that. But the good news is that you are stable and at least won’t have to do more chemo right now.’
I love Dr. Grenier and I tell her Woof Whank wou. Thank you for the bone. I appreciate it very much. I also tell her that it is just really hard to hear the results after tests and that even during tests every headache becomes a brain tumor and every mark on your arm becomes leprosy. I told her that although I always like to see her, in some ways she is like a beautiful assassin and I just don’t know if this time is going to be the time she does me in. And in Dr. Grenier’s winning way she says ‘beautiful assassin, I like the sound of it.’
Dr. Grenier tells me that I will need more tests done in December and that she knows it is hard. But for the moment I am happy and I feel that I have had a reprieve.
Wahid, Dr. Grenier, and I all walk out together and now there are six legs between the three of us opposed to the eight that were in the examining room.