Tuesday, 12 August 2008

Serving Up Bone

People keep asking me when I go to get the results from my scans (bone, CT, tumor and blood). I keep lying and say I’m not sure, I think it is sometime in the middle of August. As a matter of fact I even lied to Angelique yesterday by pretending I hadn’t known when my test was.

Sorry Angelique, the only reason is I don’t want to be the cause of more anxiety for you than I already am. That is true for everyone I have lied too. And I am just realizing I have lied to a lot of people over the last week. Even Pat in my group, because I didn’t want her to even give it a thought over the weekend as I know her son is coming in. Sorry Mom, Mickey, and Colette I didn’t want to have your holidays ruined. Sorry Jacquie, I know that you have more than enough on your plate without adding another 224 pounds to the mix.

My appointment to see Dr. Grenier was yesterday on the 11th of August. The pre-game show started on Sunday evening and it went something like this.

“God, please don’t let it get worse. Please God. I would love to have it cured but I know that won’t happen. Please God let it at least be stable. Why are you doing this to yourself other people have prayed for healing. Are you so arrogant that you think your prayers will be heard over theirs. You know how you feel when you hear about the guy who stopped to take his kid to school or buy new runners at the world trade centre so therefore was spared. I hate those stories because at the end of them they finish with; so God must have great plans for them. God spared them for a reason. Okay…. Why wasn’t Jill, Angie, Helen, or Darlene spared? Didn’t God see the potential in them? Okay, enough already. Please God, let it be stable.”

Wahid is on holidays this week, so I started the morning off yesterday by debating whether or not to tell him that I was going to see Dr. Grenier for my results. And deciding in my mind whether I wanted him to come in with me or just drop me off. I decided that he would come in with me.

Next I debated for a few minutes whether or not I should take one of Jacquie’s nerve pills. This is how the debate went down “Should I take a pill? Really, whatever it is; it is and I can’t change it. The reality is that I have to accept whatever the results are. I can’t numb myself to it. It is going to be what it is. I can’t work myself in a state every time this happens, I will drive myself nuts. Learn to calm down. This is your life. This is your reality. You need to be alert.” Okay, I didn’t need to take a pill.

I went to see Dr. Grenier to see if she would toss me a bone or at the very least shoot me with a water pistol and not a revolver with a bullet.

The usual suspects were present with the exception of my dear nurse Lori who is now at the Breast Cancer Centre of Hope. I had another nurse and I can’t even remember what her name is.

This nameless nurse weighs me and tells me I have gained four pounds and now weigh 224. Anyone who seriously knows me knows that I don’t give two shits about that. She asks me about the lesions that were on my skin and I tell her that the biopsy was done by a dermatologist and that they are not cancer. Of course I am telling her all of this in dog-speak.

In attendance was Wahid playing the role of the husband, my doctor playing the role of the doctor and me playing the role of the groveling dog begging for the bone.

Wahid and I are in the office, they always shut the door and I always open it. I hate the door closed. It reminds me that something will close on me permanently and right now, while I can, I want the door open. We wait for about ten minutes and I just sit and Wahid holds my paw.

Dr. Grenier was looking drop-dead gorgeous as usual. Wahid was looking mellow. I was there and my fur was white and I was actually wearing a waitress outfit. I was hoping that if something was seriously wrong she would see that I was a hardworking dog and handover the miracle cure for my type of cancer. No luck though.

‘Good morning Renee, how are you?’ Woof woof. ‘We got your test results back and nothing has changed. Everything is stable. The bones are stable. The lesions on the ovary have not changed. Stable is good.’

I start to cry (just tears dripping down). ‘Oh poor Renee. You have been through so much. It is good news and you will be able to stay on the Femara. I know that you are in a lot of pain and we will have to find something that works on that. But the good news is that you are stable and at least won’t have to do more chemo right now.’

I love Dr. Grenier and I tell her Woof Whank wou. Thank you for the bone. I appreciate it very much. I also tell her that it is just really hard to hear the results after tests and that even during tests every headache becomes a brain tumor and every mark on your arm becomes leprosy. I told her that although I always like to see her, in some ways she is like a beautiful assassin and I just don’t know if this time is going to be the time she does me in. And in Dr. Grenier’s winning way she says ‘beautiful assassin, I like the sound of it.’

Dr. Grenier tells me that I will need more tests done in December and that she knows it is hard. But for the moment I am happy and I feel that I have had a reprieve.

Wahid, Dr. Grenier, and I all walk out together and now there are six legs between the three of us opposed to the eight that were in the examining room.


Anonymous said...

Oh Renee, I am so happy to hear that test results are stable! Prayers are answered......

Anonymous said...

My dear friend Renee, tears are running down my face, happy tears, take deep breaths,
I am, I love stable and I love you, see u later sweetie,

Shelly said...

I love this post and I love you! Keep up the good work!!

Deanna said...

I'm glad for you that things are stable. I was wondering too when the results were coming, and if you'd share them here for us.

Once again, (in my books anyhow) "B" is for bravery.


Flo said...

My heart is singing for you my sweet friend.

natalie said...

auntie renee,
i am so happy and grateful that the results are stable.
this is absolutely wonderful news.
natalie renee

Anonymous said...


I am thrilled to hear the result of your tests. I guess the Saints did work overtime on this. I will keep praying for sure.

Love You
Jeannine XOXO

Anonymous said...

MY Dearest Renee:

Never, never, Lie to me again, really....

I cannot imagine how you can write, make me laugh my a.. off, and then make me cry all in the same breath. This is beautiful and great news!

Love you, one horse and one rabbit and on it goes... Thanks for the serving of the bone

Camille said...

Oh Renee I'm SOOOOOOO Happy! Thank you God & All the Angels! STABLE IS GREAT!
Will see you soon. Will be coming in Friday. Love You

Suzie said...

Renee, I could not be happier for you and your immediate family, I know how hard it is for the rest of your family and thank God our prayers have been answered. I love you , Suzie xoxo

Ben said...

Great news!!!!although reading your blog was the second time i heard the great news....yesterday im on the phone long distance and then the following happened. my other line rings: j bouchard(i dont answer)...my cell rings: j bouchard(i dont answer)....my other line rings again: j bouchard ( still dont answer)...cell phone, home line...finally i answer and lucky for my mother it was GREAT news!!!

jacquie said...

what's an extra few pounds...
i just wish you did not have to deal with cancer and all that it entails doggy style or any other way.
my heart weeps for you and your family every time you must deal with scanxiety.
i think you forgot the most important word for S
S is for STABLE
the sweetest most endearing word we all hope for you to hear when you go for the results.
i love you and all of your family to the moon and back.
we soldier on together strong because we want more time for all of you....so call on my heart my dearest sister whenever it is needed i will always be there for you and your family.
love jacquie

Renee said...

Ben & Jacquie:

Ben, I laughed my head off.

Jacquie, that was beautiful.

Thank you sweet hearts both so much.

Love Renee

Anonymous said...

stable has never sounded so good...
I love you and your stability.
Keep being the miracle.
xo L