Reflections On Cold Nights

Like a newborn baby, a new year always felt like a fresh start. It has always felt like a gift somehow. Anything could be possible.

Flashbacks From The Month Of January

January 2, 1998

*Nadalene is getting ready to go to Mexico.

January 3, 1998

*Still haven’t heard from Nadalene. Angelique went to Don’s and Nathan went to Kevin’s. Wahid was home, but you may as well say I was home alone. I’m in a shitty mood.

January 5, 1998

*I miss Nadalene already. It snowed all day. Mom called at nine for Angelique to pick up Pepsi for Dad. I think it was pretty ridiculous that she had to go get Pepsi at night in a snowstorm, with a car that has no winter tires.

January 8, 1998

*Wahid apologized for calling me lazy. I accepted the apology. Nana once told me that all a person can say is ‘I’m sorry.’

January 9, 1998

*The best is yet to be, and that is Nadalene getting home from Mexico tonight or early tomorrow.

January 13, 1998

*I was just talking to Mom, and I told her of a dream I had last night. In the dream; Jacquie didn’t want Mom to see me anymore, so Mom asked me not to come around. I was so surprised that I struck my hand out and pushed her in the chest. I told this to Mom and she said ‘Fuck that.’ Mom said she won’t be around forever and that she’ll die sometime. You can’t imagine how those words hit me. I couldn’t even believe my reaction. I started sobbing, almost as though Mom just died.

*I told Mom that she was the person who gave me my wings and that besides my children she is the one person I love more than anyone in this world. I admire her so much.

*It seems that the older I get, and realize who she is as a woman; I admire and love her more. I would say that my Mom is fair, loves children and they love her, truly believes that there is always room for one more and practices that, kind, beautiful, in style, modern, gave me a love of music, open-minded, does not gossip, can keep a secret, tolerant, fun, strict, caring, strong, and much much more. My Mom is not tolerant of liars, thieves, or fools. And if Mom has something to say, believe me, she will say it. She is also the best grandma in the world.

January 15, 1998

*Feeling depressed. Feeling confused. I am eating butter tarts. Does it make you feel better? NO! ‘AAAAAHHHH’

January 17, 1998

*I wanted Nadalene to keep driving, she could tell and said ‘Do you want me to keep going to Mexico?’ I said no kidding. I’m in a furious mood, I feel like I could rip somebody’s head off.

January 18, 1998

*I’m in a much better frame of mind. Honestly, Renee, get your act together.

*I typed out Angelique’s thesis for her Honors’ Degree.

January 1, 2001

*I can’t believe the date ‘2001’ it seems so futuristic.

*Diary is my generational word, but I know everyone now uses the word journal.

January 2, 2001 (two thousand and one)

*I am grateful that I like my children and I like my husband.

*It is 7:31 p.m. and I am in bed, I started my periods today, and I both look and feel like death warmed over (is that right, Mom always says that and now that I’ve written it out, I don’t know what it means). Anyways, I’m exhausted. I always feel like I do nothing for me, but I just realized I said ‘I’ 13 times in this short block of sentences.

January 5, 2001

*When I got married I was totally unsure where I was headed. I lived unconsciously, just making sure I kept putting one foot in front of the other. I have a happy marriage, and now after being married 25 ½ years, I realize how important it is to keep doing what you need to do for yourself, your husband, and your children. What I have learnt though is I should, and will do from now on, have taken the time to live in the present moment. In other words, if you’re sad, it is okay to feel it. If you’re happy, it is okay to feel it. In retrospect, what I realize that I gained most from this journey was the journey itself. In other words, where you are going may not be as important as how you get there.

January 7, 2001

*Harry came over and spent about four hours fixing the computer and it is now working perfect. I appreciate it very much, as I know how everyone’s time is precious to them. I realized today that there is only one letter separating Happy from Harry.

*Today I am grateful for my brother Harry. He is very smart. I would be interested in knowing what he thinks about. He is very private. I hope my kids know more about each other and can talk to each other about anything. Anyways, I’m grateful to Harry and grateful for Harry.

January 8, 2001

*Blah! Good night, God bless you.

*Nadalene is getting her application ready to apply for City Planning. I am so proud of her, I really don’t know how she can be so focused and she is also very hardworking. She does really well at school. Nadalene definitely gets being focused from the Khan side of the family. It is not a Ste. Marie trait, at least not one that I have. I get really interested in things but only for awhile.

*The personality trait I have that can be both good and bad is my ability to persuade people It is a positive trait when I use it for good, i.e., you’re a good person, all people are equal, when you hear something racist you must take a stand. On the other hand it is negative when I feel I am manipulating someone. Getting them to do what I want, and not taking their ‘yes or no.’ Not accepting that they can know what they want, when it may be different from what I want. When I know I’ve manipulated someone, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I (by the way) try never to do this.

January 13, 2001

*I really enjoyed my time with Angelique, she is brilliant.

January 15, 2001

*God do I ever sound like a bummer. I am grateful for . . . . still thinking . . . . my family.

January 17, 2001

*I wish I had the courage to . . . . look at my life . . . . know what I’m about . . . . to find myself . . . . have real relationships . . . . think and treat myself in a positive loving way . . . . say what I really feel . . . . do things for myself . . . . be a little selfish. Not a pretty picture, I sound like a jellyfish (no spine).

*I just realized that the list I just made about courage is all things I do have the courage to do. Now it is to make the effort.

January 23, 2001

*Happy birthday Gerry. I love my little brother.

*It has been six days since I last wrote (six days of pity for myself? Not convincing.)

*Charlton left for Africa yesterday, started crying because it was hard to see him go, no matter how happy I am for him to be able to have the opportunity.

January 4, 2003

*So very much has happened since I last wrote in this journal. The worst and saddest thing was that Charlotte died on December 10th.

*Nathan was Santa Claus for the first time ever and he did a completely amazing job.

*Drum roll please – the good big news of 2002. Angelique and Don got engaged on December 28th. The ring is amazing. The diamond sparkles, sparkles, sparkles. Really one of my happiest moments ever. By the way I couldn’t think of a more wonderful man for Angelique. My family is growing and I am so pleased.

*Financial fears: Wahid or I lose our jobs. One of us gets sick. No retirement income. No money to help our kids with school debt. No money to help them with their weddings.

January 12, 2003

*Wahid has been on holidays since the week before Christmas and we are really enjoying each other.

*Regarding my body – I do not take care of it at all. My body is neglected and weak. My stomach is huge, yesterday all I did was sit on the couch and eat junk. I’m not treating my body with love. I need to take control of what I’m eating; after all it doesn’t just fly into my mouth. I do have to use my hand to put it there.

*God is my spiritual anchor. I don’t think or do things that connect me with God enough in a day, but believe me, if I think anything is wrong I’m ‘God, God.’

January 13, 2003

*I think of myself as primarily being here for my children’s needs. Almost as if I always need to be ready in case they need me. They do not treat me as such; it is totally something I place on myself. So if I had to answer the question of ‘Who am I?’ I would say I am a person who is far more focused on my children than on myself.

*I want to be a person who is as interested in my own life as I am in my children’s. I believe I am here to make the world a better and more positive place. I am important because I am joyous. My mission is to make my family (and through them) optimistic and strong.

*I want to be here to enjoy my family and this glorious world. I definitely fear failure and that is why I take no risks. I need to feel secure. I could embrace change as an adventure if the change is done in baby-steps.

*The obstacle I see in my life is ‘stagnation – inert – laziness.’ I’m comfortable and I don’t want to be disturbed. ‘What, put on my shoes to go out!’ When I feel like this I am going to repeat the following mantra ‘Life is an adventure – go and be adventurous.’ In my life it is the lack of what I do that hurts me.

*Advice I would pass on to the next generation would be to respect each other, keep laughter and communication open and to treat the person you love the way you would want to be treated with integrity and kindness and to focus on all the positive things about your partner and not to focus on the negative, because life and love truly are a state of mind.

January 10, 2005

*I’m living in my own future.

*Wahid is definitely my main squeeze.

*I was only 19 when I became a mother so I don’t know if I had any goals and dreams that weren’t romantically-based as in married and children and living happily ever after. I believe my goals and my dreams I had at 19 have actually been fulfilled.

*Current events in the world interest me. Humanity interests me. My friends’ family interests me. History interests me. Teenagers interest me. Spirituality interests me.

January 19, 2005

*I have definitely not outgrown my life. When I was 20 I wanted to be a good mother and a good homemaker and I have achieved that. Funny or maybe not so funny, but my ambitions haven’t changed.

*I would like my life to still go forward by being an involved mother and a safe place for my family. My children are all wonderful functioning people and I believe that now I have more time to invest in Wahid and me.

*I’d really like Wahid to know me and for me to know him; warts and all. We are intimate on all levels but there is a part of both of us where we won’t let the other see our insecurities.

January ?, 2007

*Contemplation and preparation. I want to make changes so that I live a happy and productive life and don’t hide under the covers until I die.

*I want my last days to be uplifting and not to be lived unconsciously.

*What are my worries? What am I afraid of? Vulnerability; looking like a fool; unrequited emotions; not seeing my children married and with children; my family falling apart; being replaced.

Flash Forward

I see now that January is exactly what I always thought it was; a fresh start and a new place to begin. What I also see is that sometimes you have to leave the baggage at the end of the old year and not bring it in with you to the new one. It also helps to have love in your heart and to chance on a leap of faith.