Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Limbo Anyone?


















And I don’t mean the dance.

Limbo is any status where a person or project is held up; and nothing can be done until another action happens.

Enter my head for a moment if you will. “Will the tests show that the cancer has stayed the same or that the cancer has changed? I am surviving between having more time with my family or less time. I face two paths and don’t know which will be forced upon me. So I travel none. I stand entrenched in limbo.”

I visit limbo about every four months. My entry into limbo happened on March 30th when I received blood tests for tumor markers and will continue to the end of April. In between I will have more tests. On the 6th of April I had a cat scan and on the 7th I had a bone scan.

And the tick of the tock will tick tock, tick tock, tick tock until I get my results. Has the cancer remained stable (I pray that it does) or will the cancer be on the move this time (I pray that it won’t)? Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.

The limbo period is the waiting. Waiting for the inevitable and thinking the worst. It is the time that you need to live in the NOW. When your mind drifts away you contemplate your mortality and then you become crazy, numb, manic, crazy, numb, manic. Then you grasp for the NOW like a drowning man; get your cool back until you don’t.

On Monday I went for my cat scan and it went pretty well this time. They started with me bending over the sink with my arm in hot water; then my arm was wrapped; then they poked with the tiniest needles they could that would still allow the dye to go in. And voila, it was in within three shots (ouch, ouch, ouch).

I drink two glasses of water with iodine and feel like I may throw up, but I don’t.

I have to wait for an hour and in that time an elderly man and women start telling me about all the horrible things he has gone through. He is 75 and has colon cancer and it is the worst kind because they found it too late and it has spread. Then his wife and he tell me in tears that his time has been stolen because his and her parents both lived to 95 and now he won’t make it to 95. I sympathize and I must state here that I really did sympathize, they were sweet and heartbroken and it was hard to see such pain in another’s eyes.

They call me, I lie down and the nurse has to come and check the needle because as it is, they didn’t get a good hit at the vein but if one of them holds it, they think they will get the dye in. It is successful.

As I lie there I ask them to check out how many cat scans I have had in three years. They tell me that I have had 15. Each scan is equal to approximately 1,000 x-rays. 15 x 1,000 = 15,000 x-rays in three years.

I read somewhere that modern medical practice has changed cancer from an acute to a chronic catastrophe. (I love the word catastrophe.) And though I am so very thankful to be alive, I am not thankful for the constant gun to the family head. My family lives in a state of limbo where interactions, plans, and hopes are continually imbalanced.

On Tuesday, I go at 12:30 to get my bone scan and they always call an operating room nurse to come and put the nuclear radiation through my PICC. I get there, the nurse gets there and then they tell us the radiation is still at Health Sciences and they are couriering it over so could we come back at 1:15. It is 1:15 and I am back and get the radiation no problem. Leave and go home and go back to the hospital for the third time that day at 3:30 to get the bone scan done. I ask how many bone scans in the last three years and they tell me 10.

You just want to get on with a normal life, for Christ’ sake, if only you could. But over the next month I will feel like I am running in quicksand. I am indecisive over the smallest things. I have nagging visions of the cancer on the move. I bore people around me almost daily with my insecurities. I want to curl in a ball and rot in a corner of the couch.

My Raven sister Laurel stated on her blog “I think most of us make our lives out to be more complex than they really are. I know I do. We get overwhelmed by situations that present themselves to us without warning or invitation. What if we stood on the edge and saw intricate beauty in life’s challenges and shouted Thank you Universe!! Message received.’ Then we could tend the rice fields in baby steps, one paddy at a time.” I love that.

Limbo is where you realize that your world is on hold. Not the world, just your world. It is the month of wondering whether the cancer is on the move that puts me in a daze.

Wahid asked me last night ‘Dearest, how does it feel to have big children but now you are sick?’ Tears start to drip and I say ‘It is harder than I can speak about.’

Limbo is the time that every ache and random pain is cancer. It is a constant battle to remind myself that I feel like this every four months with the tests and that before it wasn’t cancer it was just aches and pains. Unfortunately ever since being diagnosed with inflammatory breast cancer every pain comes with an instant thought: cancer.

I am adrift; living without purpose or direction. I am quite literally living in limbo and I don’t fucking like it one bit.

110 comments:

lakeviewer said...

Renee, thank you for laying it out, letting us into your world, giving us the sense of what you are going through. YOu just explained Limbo as nobody else could; the state of expectation; not daring to hope; fearing not to. You bared your soul with this writing.

We, out here in relative comfort and safety, can only send you our prayers and best wishes. Our words are empty unless we too have suffered the same way. From one human to another, I know you will make it through. You will.

How do I know? Because of the goodwill all over the world circling around you right now. This limbo will end soon. And we will all rejoce with you. One day at a time.

Daria said...

I'm praying for a good scan.

I enjoyed reading this post ... you don't seem to talk about your cancer much. On the other hand, I can totally understand why.

studio lolo said...

Dearest Renee, sister raven.
How for one moment could you believe you're living without purpose or reason? You have touched the world with your journey and helped so many get through their own private limbos. You've made the hardest hearts soft again and the non-believers believe in something again. You are magical and you are here for a reason no less than the rest of us are.
You were meant to meet and marry Wahid and to have those beautiful children. You are a healer who needs healing in your broken places. The people who love you want you to lean on them when you feel you have no strength left for even one more thought.
Your work is far from done here my dear. The Universe still needs you and so do we.
Stay strong with the love that surrounds you.

much love,
Laurel

Paula and Skip said...

Hi, I can not imagine the tiniest bit how it is to walk int oyur shoes. But as LAKEVIEWER said, the goodwill all over the world is citrcling around you cocooning you in prayers, warmth and strength. Paula xx

Sarah said...

Hi Renee,
I really hope that your scans come out ok and that limbo can end again. Sending love and best wishes to you,
Sarah x

Anonymous said...

Renee, Your discription is so vivid and real. I understand so well. I also have difficulty with my 86 yr. old friend complaining about her stiff finger due to arthritis. I am praying for you everyday at Mass during lent and will continue to do so.
Loving you, Barb

Ces said...

For someone so conscious of her ticking clock, your life is so much fuller that most of us. For starters it seems every pore in your body has sensors that feel not just for you but for those around you and still some of us are numb. Every neuron in your brain sends beautiful impulses not just within your body but through others as far as Texas and Japan. Your heart beats so much keener, you eyes see more beautifully and your spirit, it soars like an eagle. You are the embodiment of life, rather ironic that you are ridden with something so destructive, the treatments so powerful it kills the cancer and also the healthy cells. You defied every medical algorithm, you poohfooed the three months and quite frankly as much as it matters and counts to your lovely children that they can still hold you, you have forever wrapped me in your love and I, my spirit, can only love you back. You write so beautifully. You are what I call a beautiful prompt, an evoke, a trigger of life. Well fuck my brain! The word verifcation is "sames" - Fuck it!

Ces said...

Oh gee, it's Holy Week and my mouth is so unholy. I will rot in hell for sure!

Here, There, Elsewhere... and more said...

My thoughts and prayers are with and your family :)

studio lolo said...

I blushed at the quote but didn't say a word other than for you ;)

xoxo
Lolo

Candace said...

Thank you for visiting my little blog and for your sweet comment. I do love this blog and know what this limbo is like... Do you know the story of Demeter and Persephone?
Sometimes We are Persephone and sometimes We are Demeter. And sometimes We are Hermes, the messenger, who goes and asks for a deal ... who goes with the person, who supports the person.
Every one of Us at some time will have each one of these roles in this myth.
Your art work choices are fantastic and I do not like what you are having to do one fucking bit either.

You will come through. That stone will move, Renee!
Your Friend,
Candace

Every Photo Tells A Story said...

Aw, sweetheart, I can feel your pain, anger, and frustration. (Remember the plastic bats and the pillows.) Limbo is one of the most frustrating states to be in. But, and I know you know, you do have purpose and direction as long as you are still breathing:

"as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save."

~Mary Oliver (Re: yesterday's post)

My thoughts are with you, my friend.

xxoxoo
Love Nancy

Audrey said...

Dearest Renee..I am sending love and courage to you! I pray that the scans are good! FUCK cancer and what it does to peoples minds, bodies, families...EXISTENCE! I fucking hate it - for you, for Daria, for me...for everyone who has to go through this fucking hell!
Love to you
xoxoxo

Every Photo Tells A Story said...

A "virtual" toast To Life!! To a Good Fight!! :)

Sarah said...

Oh hon, you are amazing!! I knew I was sensing something. That I could have been there with you... just to be there!!!
When I think about the times of late that I have felt in limbo - as with Jim's deployment and the whinning I have done - bless you hon - these are so very small in comparison as to what you are going through! Thank you for laying it out there - how you feel deep inside, helping us understand. Thank you for being there for me hon - please allow me to be there for you! What can I do for you?? Love and huge hugs don't seem to be enough but there they are hon. Love you, Sarah

Meghann said...

Oh my God Renee, if you only knew how strong you are. 99.999% of our population would not be able to handle what you are going through once, let alone every 4 months. Just reading your post made me feel anxious and thinking, "What if it was me? What the F*$# would I do??" I know I would have had a nervous breakdown. I know that I would not be so eloquent in my descriptions, let alone be able to share it with the world the way you do, bravely, every day.
You are a true inspiration, and you do NOT bore people daily. We WANT to hear about your feelings, thoughts, emotions. You are human and I am SO thankful you are here with us.
God bless, many gentle hugs to you :D

Meghann said...

I only say what I truly mean, everything else is a waste of time :D You deserve to feel good and I hope you do, every day. I pray for you constantly too :)
I am surviving :) We got your snow here the last few days and went from an almost lovely spring to nasty winter again, and yeah, it hurts every part of me. I am compensating by drinking copious amounts of green tea in hopes that the caffeine will perk me up somewhat...Until I crash, lol. I hope you have a good day today and I hope your weather gets better too!
Many hugs!

Ces said...

...but look now, the rock is on a level plane, unlike Sisyphus who had to roll it up the mountain slope only for it to roll down again and back up he goes. I suppose limbo is a copasetic state for now. It must be hard. The thought of it churns my stomach and I have nothing to complain about.

Yeah! The word verufication is "fught" and with luck the next one is "win"!

Deb a.k.a.The Invisible Blogger.... said...

I have been "Limbo" a few times myself. Not me but my son John. Now we are down to twice a year. Still it's two times, too many.

I can only imagine what is must be like for the person atually "living" there. I can tell you that it isn't much easier for those of us along for the ride.

If I could I would tell you don't linger there too long. I know you have to wait, but while you wait "live". Do what you want, see people, travel, do not spend any more time there than you possibly have to. It will be, what it will be...ah but what you can do while you are here...


P.S. know that you in my prayers!

Strawberry Girl said...

I have danced with Limbo quite a bit... having numerous m/c and an unsteady relationship. I can relate, but not fully comprehend. I too am praying for you.

~Annie

Noreen said...

Renee, I missed you at group yesterday. Knowing that you had another scan happening (with repeated attempts, again, to get the needle in your arm) my prayers were with you. My prayers continue to be with you as you sit in limbo waiting for results. I know that place all to well. Take care my friend. Hope to see you on Tuesday!

Kelly Kilmer said...

FUCK cancer. To HELL with cancer. You might have it, but you are NOT it.

You are Renee.

Wonderful wonderful Renee.

and we love you dearly for it!!!!

Snowbrush said...

"I love the word catastrophe."

Good thing, eh? I would hate to think you weren't enjoying your experience of one.

Of course, you know I have nothing to say, no wisdom to add that you haven't thought of already. And since you're involved in this particular game, and I'm not, anything I might think of to say would be a bromide.

May God, whatever God be, bless. Over and out for now, darling.

Sonia ;) said...

Renee,

I am glad you expressed how YOU are feeling in Limbo.

As said before, many people do not understand the pain or anxiety involved in the nasty new F-word Cancer..There is no hiding from it, behind it or with it. It is like the old movie "The Blob"...it seeps, slides, and ravishes everyone it comes in contact with.

I teared when I read this post...because of the Memories of my father and pain you are going through..Not Pity but understanding.

My father had been a smoker his whole life (1945-2007), smoking corn husks at 6 yrs old. He was an alcoholic, but he functioned. At 13 I told him in plain words..."If you leave to be 60 I will throw you a party(because of his drinking, not smoking)." Being said in a teenagers anger..I never meant for it to happen, it was my guard against pain. On the eve of his 60th Birthday he was hospitalized with 20% oxygen levels, I 4 hours away in North Carolina. I felt a ugly sorrow, pain, and guilt hit me..Because those words stuck in my head. I rushed to Virginia, to see a pale(once suntanned italian), grey (once black raven hair), weak man hooked to ICU unit tubes...I gave him his party in ICU....he survived and went on with oxygen and so on...In 2005 he was alot weaker and my husband invited my parents to come to Texas and reside with us (lessen bills, have time with each other..he no longer could work and on disability)..They did...(mind you my parents are Fred and Ethel Mertz and Everybody Loves raymonds Parents)

In 2007 as he carved and got back into his art, riding his skooter and loving our dogs..He was diagnosed with cancer....I know he knew he had always had it and wouldnt survive and wanted my mom with someone safe and loved.

I would take him to appts(which he had numerous Dr's before this for COPD and enphesizema), chemo, radiation...All the time watching the pain in his face for IV's, watched the scan that disected his whole body at radiation. Showed me the tumor that was smack dab in the center of his chest between the lungs. All the pills, sleepiness, and no sleep, hungry not hungry..the days of doubt, pain and feeling awesome.

So I dont know the pain...but I know the look, the worry, the doubt, the hope and the process....He passed away in my home in a most graphic(ok since we are honest where the tumor was shrinking it left the wall on his esophagus thin, and one night coughing, his lung and throat blew out, he bled to death in front of my eyes) Never thought I would panic never had before...but it was the worst experience I have had in my life...still dealing...

You are not alone....It isnt Limbo...I call it organizing time..Time to get the shit together. One thing that nasty bad word taught me was...I got alot of shit to do in my life...ppl to bug, kids to hound, and a life to Love.....

Dont think Limbo...Think cleaning house, organizing....or as my dad would say.."My one gawd damn miserable pesstimistic time of the whole ordeal..Let me moan for pissy sakes".

I have regrets with him, but I know he was meant to live with me and die with me, because he really loved me.

I know it is easier said then done, and no one truly knows your pain and angst. But dont muddle too long....you have enlightened, healed, loved, consumed, and down right screwed shit up in your life...we all have...

But YOU inspire, encourage and bring that nasty ass word to the foreground and let people know to be grateful, live and know the truth of Cancer..........Since meeeting you I wished I had known you earlier, and you have inspired my thoughts and make me no longer feel alone in the dark with the nasty C word (my family history and immediate history is riddled with Cancer, my doctor runs tests on me twice a year UGH)...

You are blessed to have a true love, children, friends and comrades in arms... Now email me your address so I can send you a pick me up in the damn mail......wow you got me cursing like a marine again...rut ro raggy...

BIG SMILES,KISSES AND HUGS...

Sonia ;)

Your not in Limbo...You are dancing the Cha Cha and organizing the closets.

shelly said...

Your statement about boring people couldn’t be further from the truth – you never dwell on your own insecurities – you might mention them in order to process it, but you are more likely to dwell on others insecurities and make sure they are alright like the little phone call you made to me this morning xoxo or you insisting on coming to Mom’s Friday morning to help her xoxo

In Roman Catholic theology Limbo is located on the border of Hell … you are not alone; we are all there with you...I'm praying for Mom's miracle.

Strawberry Girl said...

Yes, M/C means miscariages, 11 of them. I wrote about it on my blog

The original version:

http://creativelywritten.blogspot.com/2009/03/when-you-cannot-feel-pain.html

The revised version (another blogger helped me with this one).

http://creativelywritten.blogspot.com/2009/03/when-you-cannot-feel-pain_26.html

Plus I have frequently been in limbo because of my relationship... and the nature of concrete work and job loss.

Angela Recada said...

My thoughts and well-wishes and prayers are with you. You are so incredibly generous for consistently sharing so much of your wisdom and insight with us on your blog during this difficult time in your life (not to mention taking the time to visit my insignificant little blog to leave your sweet comments).

My mother is a two-time breast cancer survivor, but I cannot begin to imagine how difficult this is for you and your family.

I'm sending you much love and many hugs.xoxoxoxoxo

Kate Smedley said...

I am really moved after reading your post, I hope your scans come out OK.

soulbrush said...

i have tears in my eyes renee. and i am so relieved that you have talked about the cancer to me. now i know how you feel and i feel it with you. every word resonated through me...in fact i have never noticed the word 'acute'... a cute what??? there is nothing fucking cute about cancer! i hardly know you, yet i feel that i do 'know' you. and i was moaning about losing two front teeth, i feel ashamed!so i am sending you a big pot of cyber chicken soup, with a huge enormous cyber bunch of yellow daffodils and my deepest love. it is going to be okay, i feel it.

Rebecca Ramsey said...

I'll be thinking about you and praying for you.
When my Sammy was two and he really didn't like something, he'd say "Too fair, too stupid."
Well, Too fair, too stupid."
Limbo is no fair.

Julie said...

Crossing my fingers for you...you are amazing!

Manon Doyle said...

I send all my positive energy to you Renee! Your post made me cry because my mom survived colon cancer 7 years ago and now she's had pain in her abdomen for two months. She just had a CT scan on Saturday and now we wait for the results. I'm scared but I know that we must all live in the present moment just like you do! You are so brave!

glorv1 said...

A PRAYER FOR RENEE TO READ

Dear Father,

I now have developed a disease which I have often feared. I am afraid. I am lonely. Questions seem to crowd my mind: Will I be cured? Will there be pain? How long will I live? How will my family handle this? I ask with all my heart that I be healed. But, if my healing is not in Your great plan, I trust You to be with me through it all. I trust You to give me peace, to let me live with hope, to relieve any pain, and to let me know Your presence. I trust You to bring my loved ones close to me during this illness, that we might support each other, and that Your great hands might support us all. I pray that from now on, whether sick or well, I will live each day as if it were eternal, and trust my eternity to You.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Renee I looked for a prayer for you and found this one. I hope it helps a little. I'm so sorry for your pain and suffering. Tonight I will have a glass of wine with you and I will post my glass of wine on my blog for you. Be well my friend. ::hugs::

Michelle said...

I don't fucking like it either.

Coming from the 'family' point of view. it is horrible to watch someone you love go through this shit and to wait.....always waiting, for someone else to tell you what your life will be like for the next little bit.

I am sending you much love my friend.

MUCH

xxxx

kj said...

renee, first i think again what a gift your words are for your children and grandchildren. then i think that you will be there with them reading together. i wish i were a nifty magician, renee--your good health would be my first official act. you have no idea how much you matter? excuse me! you are remarkable. i'm glad to know the details, to know as you face them. your blog is some incredible combination of ordinary and magical, sad and uplifting. you inspire me so much. we wait with you, renee, right here, right now.
love.

Flor Larios Art said...

Hi Renee,
Hopefully your test results will be fine. i will be praying for you...and your family.
Take care.
Flor

Michelle said...

I know. And I need to hear you.

Shelli is hanging in there but still feeling crappy.

xxxx

Linda Sue said...

Beautiful Renee- Sometimes this life Sucks- all that focus on maybe maybe not when how could be is such a robber...When I have been on hold what works temporarily for me is what works for dogs and two year olds- wear myself out doing something that absorbs my monkey brain (beach walking searching for specific treasure- shopping at thrift stores- art- diversions that entertain or demand)sometimes it creates a comfortable amnesia that may last a few hours...relief is what I'm talking about...reading other realities also is a comfort to me and though it can be woo woo ridiculous I entertain thoughts that our perception (life) is a sort of experiment....I dunno, girl- just know that you are loved and supported and thought about continually in this reality and all of the other ones as well.
We are all in this together- just that you have to undergo the discomfort of doing it all- thank you for your detailed accounts- You are fucking amazing, Chickie! I would not have even a smidge of the grace and humour that you have...

Kate James said...

Renee my heart goes out to you at the moment. I agree that limbo is the worst state of all and just hope that the time passes quickly and the news is good.

As studio lolo, kj and so many others say, from our perspective you are living with purpose and meaning. You are sharing of yourself in such an open and honest way that all over the world we feel connected to you and inspired by your courage and honesty.

I am personally uplifted to listen to your conversations that have a rare depth, beauty and sensitivity. You make me feel that I'm not alone in my own, sometimes confusing, internal world.

A Spoonful Of Sugar said...

Limbo sucks big time!Sending lots of prayers and hugs your way.

pinkglitterfae said...

Renee I hope you see how much of a difference you make in the world, you are needed, your voice is needed.
I don't know what it is like to walk in your shoes, but just want to say, try not to be in limbo. You really can only live in this moment, thinking about the day you get the results won't make it come any faster, or change what will be. I know you know this. Do whatever you can to improve your health right now, and spend every single day doing what makes you happiest. Don't wait for your results, do it now. This is how every one of us needs to live, joyfully and in the moment. You have so many people who love you, and an incredibly supportive family. Don't let this f*in cancer steal any more of your moments.
hugs and blessings to you dear Renee, you are in my prayers daily.

kj said...

i heard cancer cells hate the word 'fuck'.

fuck, fuck, fuck.
:)

Mona van dijk said...

Good morning Renee

I am so touched by your story..I have been in limbo as a carer for my Mother,I had to endure many days of pain from myself and mum..what you are going through is so difficult I understand.

I send you flowers
blue and pink

Mona

nollyposh said...

oh god i wish i was there to throw my arms around you... i know that horrible feeling and this post makes me relive some of my terrors, my fears... i say to myself cancer is just a word, i am not a word, i am so much more as are you and yet it still doesn't help on days like this when death is darkness... and then i remind myself that death is light, not dark and i should fear it not, but when you are in the dark and deaths eyes are bright, i know how hard it is to sleep then, and everything shakes, even the ground i walk upon... i know this pain but still can't know it is like for you... But know dear friend that i am there in spirit when those damn veins close and pain resides, and when you lie awake at night, know that i hold your hand, that when you feel most alone, i am there in spirit sharing this pain so in the darkness you do not lie alone... When you feel most alone i will think on you and hold you as girlfriends do until the shaking stops... i am there in spirit dearest Renee and there are angels circling you, holding you too, for you are the brave one, the beautiful one and we honor your beautiful spirit, we do for cancer touches the gentle ones (((hugs))) with love, Vicki xox

Bella Sinclair said...

Darling Renee. There is a third path, do you see it? The path is obscured just a little by overgrown brush, but it is there. It goes straight, continues forward. Get out of Limbo, my dear. Honestly, whatever the test results show, would you be living your life differently? Ok, that Vegas trip might happen, but other than that, I don't see you treating your family or friends any differently than you are now. Three precious weeks until the end of April. Do not waste them in this wasteland. Live. Tests are not the end-all, be-all. You've defied them before. Get on top of that giant boulder and wave your fists in the air in fury. And then take a deep breath and look around at all you've cultivated. Your beautiful children and grandchild, your loving Wahid, us. You've accomplished so much. Step onto our open arms, let us carry you out of Limbo.

And by the way, might I remind you, you charged me for that dream reading. It was not free. And I tipped you 40 percent.

With great love,
bella

Manon Doyle said...

Thanks Renee for your support and prayers! You are truly a remarkable woman!

nollyposh said...

(Ps) Chickie i posted you some bloggy ~Love~ over at my blog X:-)

Woman in a Window said...

Renee, here we are in blog and I don't know you, but I do. I do know you. And I feel for you. And I am angry for you. And I hold fast to blankets for you. Dear Renee, I hope for a break from limbo for you and a dance in the field.

Great-Granny Grandma said...

Wow Renee! I can't even start to imagine what this must be like for you and your family--especially the limbo part. You would think that at the very least they could give you instant results so you don't have to add mental anguish to every thing else you are experiencing on account of this devastating disease.

Praying that you will get a good report!

kenflett said...

whoa, your blog awards, like the laundromat bulletin board, you'll need another blog just to keep them. Renee, your blog, your documentation of life and love, it is really great, and so important, make yourself a little book of it all, comments and all, read it when your feeling in limbo.
ps. and just think, another three months and winnipeg will get spring. :)

BT said...

Oh Renee my heart aches for you. Why do you have to wait so long for the answers? I would have thought with modern technology they could find out sooner.

I understand how awful the waiting must be and how you truly are in 'limbo'. What a rotten place to be. Thank you for being so straightforward and honest about your cancer. I just want to give you a huge hug. I would if I could.

Love
Gina

Ces said...

I have a crush on Shelly's brain.

Debbie said...

Wow. It is hard to find words after reading something so intense and personal and well written. I feel blessed that you chose to share this and that I got to read it. I will be back to get to know you better.

Delwyn said...

Renee
I send you love

linda cardina said...

limbo... what better word.... i hate so badly that u are going thru this. i am praying ALWAYS for good test results. u have so many people praying renee. i really am grateful that u share with us the hell u are going thru as we do not want u to go thru it alone. strength , love and courage to u my dear friend. xoxoxooxoxolinda

Lizzy Frizzfrock said...

Renee, I believe that some of us hear the tick tock of the clock louder that others. I think when one has an illness the sound is louder, but I also think that as we grow older regardless of our health issues the ticking gets louder in our hearts. We become more aware of the time we are alloted & want to hold on even tighter.

You may feel you are "adrift; living without purpose or direction", but I and all your personal & blogger friends and family feel quite differently. You give us an insight into all our fears, our deepest worries & sorrows. You also give us hope and prompt strength & fortitude in us because we can see it in you.

You have had great purpose & direction in your life. That purpose & direction may have shifted; now you are sharing with an even greater audience than with those near & dear to you. You have become a sage and one we all treasure.

I hope you have good news awaiting you. You are in my thoughts all throughout the days.

Pamela Terry and Edward said...

This sort of limbo has to be hell. Nothing good about it. My husband and I watched his best friend deal with this sort of limbo as he fought leukemia. We spent a lot of time during that ordeal making him laugh, which was fun for all of us I think. But really, no one should ever have to have cancer. It just stinks.

I hope you can find someone or something to make you laugh. I shall pray you do, okay?

Oh, and thanks so very much for my happy birthday wishes! It snowed on my birthday, which was quite a gift to receive in April!

Mona van dijk said...

Dear Renee
The decease you are carrying is a very angry one,being my mums observer and carer I always knew when angry feelings came to visit her the decease was at its strongest.
we always tried not to feed the hungry monster by giving it exactly not what it wants, that battle is enormous but it can work.
shower yourself with all the light and bright,gentle and soft feelings this is not easy when you are waiting in despair.
My mum lost the battle and I am fine, thank you to be so kind to come around at my blog and let me know that you have received my flowers,i will sent you plenty more if it makes you feel better!

please take care.

pss: i dont mind if you dont publish this comment xxx

juliet... said...

Linda Sue has said it all perfectly on her blog ~ just for you Renee ~ FUCK CANCER! You are in the thoughts of so many, so many you don't even know, my dear.

Lisa said...

thank you for this insight- for those on the outside of this, it gives us some minute idea of the fight you face everyday, just to stay alive.
i have no words, only love, and admiration.blessed be dear sister, blessed be xx

kendalee said...

Renee, I don't know you and you don't know me. I have lost some close members of my family to cancer and have had some overcome it, most recently my brother, but I have not experienced it directly so I cannot imagine what this feels like for you. But your description of your state of limbo really touched me deeply and I just wanted to say that I think your courage and grace and anger all speak so eloquently of your situation and that I too am thinking of you.

kathy hare said...

my thoughts are with you Renee..
All my love, Kath xxxxxxxxxx

Jaqi said...

Like others before me Renee, I too hope your test results are good.
What an inspiration you are, I have read through your blog and you have given me strength, made me feel ashamed for complaining ,and opened my eyes to what is important. Thank you.
I will follow your blog and pray that you will be ok. Take Care Jaqi

Tessa said...

Renee, see, I knew. Seems crazy that we've never even met each other and yet, yet there is this connection. I'm sending every bit of love and good karma and peacefulness to you right now - and I will continue to do so for all the time you find yourself in that dreadful place called Limbo.

This beautiful traditional Buddhist prayer is for you, dearest, lovely Renee. May it bring you ease and inner peace and, above all, a soothing and healing balm.

Just as the soft rains fill the streams,
pour into the rivers, and join together in the oceans,
so may the power of every moment of your goodness
flow forth to awaken and heal.

By the power of every moment of your goodness,
may your heart’s wishes be soon fulfilled
as completely shining as the bright full moon,
as magically as by a wish-fulfilling gem.

I send my love,
~Tessa xx

La Donna Welter said...

Sending prayers for a good scan.

Ces said...

Actually it's on all the Amazon mental ninjas in your family!

Ces said...

...and by the way, Blog Sister Day, what an auspicious day it is, April 7th. It is also NO HOUSEKEEPING DAY! How cool is that? That is MY day! I am not cleaning - I am blogging my ass off! Hi Shelly *wink* *wink*

Big Frank Dickinson said...

Renee,
You have an amazing amount of support - obviously you have touched a lot of people.

Remember what Winston Churchill said, "When you are going through hell, keep on going."

with all best wishes -

jacquie said...

in limbo,in treatment,in love and in good times and bad times ... i am here
take my hand....we will keep going...

together strong
love jacquie

Aleksandra said...

Dearest Ive got a small something on my blog for you,SISTERHOOD award,if you want it.No rules,do as you please,love and hugs from me.

Deanna said...

I don't like it one bit either...I hope time speeds along for you, and that the results are good....
Love, Deanna

nollyposh said...

OMGoodNESS girl "7o" comments!!!
yOu are the QuEEn! X:-)
(That'll be 71 now!) x

Caroline said...

Dear Renee
Hopsital appointments for this, that, the other and more - it seems a never ending cycle - a way of life that you simply don't want but can't do without. I've witnessed a kind of limbo with both my parents and a sister in law, yet never really understood what it all meant to them. I recall my Mother wishing that Dad had spoken more about his feelings when he was ill, yet when she was suffering she really didn't manage to do any better. It's so brave of you to allow others to gain some insight into what it actually means to be dealing with this wretched disease.

I have another sister in law currently battling with a similar routine to yours - she's been in and out of chemo for the last 4 or 5 years and recently undergone surgery and radiotherapy for a brain tumour. We are all in awe of her ability to just keep accepting the regime, yet I don't think we've really grasped what she goes through mentally. Thank you for your generosity in sharing with us when you are at a low ebb - I now at least have an inkling how she may be feeling.

Today I am sending you an extra big hug with a dose of strength to help whilst you await the outcome of this round of tests.

I think about you often and hope that with the all the love and encouragement from your friends and family you will soon reach up and climb out of limbo and be able to fully enjoy your days again.

Caroline
xx

Lori ann said...

Renee, this is familiar to me, I feel close to you and I don't even know you, in life or this bloglife. I haven't been where you are, but my Mother and Sister have, both Breast cancer survivors. Everything you so eloquently describe here takes me right back to that place where I spent so many moments. Waiting, hoping,praying. I got really good at this praying and I am praying for you now my sweet beautiful blog sister. Limbo can go to hell, you have MUCH better things to do I can see with your family and art and friends and blog and I don't know, but anything else but LIMBO!! You are amazing.

♥ Lori

pRiyA said...

Renee, I don't want you to go away.







Psalm 23 has been a good read for me during limbo times.

Kate said...

Renee,

You speak so eloquently on what you are going through.Its difficult to sit and read and not have anything that we can do for you. Here is a big cyber hug from me. I know you will feel the love. I wish for you to be out of that limbo state and into one of Hope.

XoXo
Kate

ostrich girl said...

Wow Renee I can't believe when you comment on my blog you don't just say, " listen you little whiney baby! You better suck it up and enjoy every second that you are alive because you never know what fire you will have to walk through!"
You seriously put things in perspective for me! I seriously think that God had a reason when our blog paths crossed!I am so moved to tears on a regular basis, happy and sad!
On a super fun note,Linda Cardina bestowed me with "The Renee Award" I was so excited as I always love all the art you post and think you have wonderful taste!( BTW I have been painting like mad to my "Sarah" c.d, so thankyou again!) Being the computer impaired that I am I don't know how to get it on my blog! Do you know how I transfer it? Sorry to ask for freakin' tech support but I really want it on my blog and I don't know how to do it!Hoping to hear from you!
xoxo Sheri DeBow

MuseSwings said...

Beautifully said, Renee. Prayers and love and hope for a little less limbo and a free and easy life. Your quiz results say it all - stay away from chimpanzee's like that C word monkey on your back. Hugs!

Vanessa Brantley Newton said...

Hey Girly, I'm joining my faith with you and I choose to believe that a great result is going to be the outcome and that you will certainly hear some great news. We are all pulling for one of the finest ladies out here! YOU ROCK!!!!

Ginaagain said...

Oh Renee! Your writing is so beautiful. Even in limbo you are not living without purpose because your words are inspirational. I am praying for positive results for you.

studio lolo said...

hey sister raven...I realized I hadn't stopped by with a hug and a prayer today.

here ya go!!! (Did you get them?)

You're never far from my thoughts.

xoxoxoxoxo
Lolo

Simone de Klerk said...

Dearest Renee ~ I am very touched by your 'story' and hope you can soon get to 'normal life' again for four months and leave 'limbo' behind you for a while.
Thinking of you. Love and warmth to you!

Mad Texter said...

“Limbo” scrambled up is “Mobil(e)”. It’s sometimes difficult to move forward without taking care of the present. You have to break at the stop sign before you can go.

Besides, some of your latest round of tests were performed on my birthday...a day with magical healing powers. I hearby turn my birthday bliss over to you. POOF! (smoke and glitter, fairy dust, fairy dust, fairy dust)

Be well my friend!

Oops! Gotta go...Lou Dobbs needs my opinion on something.(I wonder what hot topic he's got a boner for today?)

Ces said...

Today is April 9th and I still love you and always will.

studio lolo said...

yes, I remembered to scoop it up when I stopped by. I forgot to take it when you offered it last week. I have 2 awards I haven't posted because I forget who they're from.
How rude, really!

Any news yet?
xoxo
Lolo

Karin said...

Renee,
You display purpose to me every day, and that you are able to do it while feeling you are in a state of limbo is the greatest display of courage there is. The truth is, though, that you are not truly in limbo - you are constantly evolving, and taking us with you...
Lifting
Igniting
Motivating
Becoming
Opening

Loving
Infinitely,
My(your)self
Beyond
Objections!

Living
In
Moments
Beside
Oneself

Lighting
Internally
Magically
Beautifying
Others

Ces said...

Am I on fire because I am in hell?

kj said...

renee, ha! if emily rabbit showed up for easter dinner, my daughter jessica would escort us both out the door. she thinks it's sick that i have a talking rabbit in my life!!

my you have a lot of comments--86 and still counting. i thought of you today while i was seeing my clients. i thought 'that renee is one cool woman and i love reading her comments.' and then i thought,
'hey god, give her a break, okay--a loooong break.' and then i thought of you once again and smiled...
xoxoxoxo!

mansuetude said...

a scoop of hope in every breath to you...

i don't think i could write so beautifully in your position; i'd be biting on a big rock so i wouldn't scream...

if i say i think you are eternal, it doesn't make the fear go away, nor the love which balls up in us like sadness wanting a heart to live in forever.

peace.

Bella Sinclair said...

Ahhh, Miss Reborn, Rebirth, Miss All-That-and-a-Bag-of-Chips! Which way shall I face, to the east or the west? I shall stand with my mouth open wide (is the silver wrapped kiss made of chocolate? If not, I shall stand puckered instead.) and my arms outstretched at 11:11 this morning. Meanwhile, there are millions of tiny, pale pink cherry blossom petals drifting away on a gentle breeze. I hope they make their way across the ocean. I wrote a tiny prayer on each of them for you. xoxoxoxoxo

Ces said...

HAHAHAHA! Now you are ablaze! Dickhead. HAHAHAH! You and Bella are talking about organs today.

angelique said...

No shit it feels like crap. The limbo is awful and then fear sets in. We feel it, but we must just get through it and get back to hope. I wish you didn't have to go through this. I love you Mom.

Heather said...

Hugs to you--- this has to be so agonizing. Makes it so hard to get through things when you keep getting sucked back into the horror of tests and more tests. I hope that life can return to normal for you very soon, that you can enjoy your family and grandbaby with happy thoughts and a thankful heart. You still have many more days of happiness and life to live. You are so brave!

kj said...

oh renee,i just read angelique's comment--'i love you mom'--and it made me think that you are blessed by something that cancer cannot and will never touch. she sounds like her mother--i imagine she is just as spunky?

i have one daughter, renee, and she is spunky herself. i have trouble knowing that she is now a mother herself, to mr. ryan and now drew, one week old tonight. i love her so much.

my work is going great. it is a new challenge for me to be working in a poor inner city, not always in the safest neighborhoods, and counseling both adults and kids from different cultures and backgrounds than white-assed self. i've never worked with kids before and i really like them and they seem to really like me. i have two 12 yo girls and two 17 yo girls and i'm amazed they trust and listen to me. it is honorable work and i feel lucky and stimulated to be doing it. it's half time only--so i have time to promote my book, write, help my mother, and now--finally--tend to my yard and garden.

that's today's update. love you my friend. i'm so glad ms. laurel sent me your way. it seems like years ago, but it was, what, two months maybe? xoxoxoxxoxoxoxxoxoxo!
(translation=extended hug)

Bella Sinclair said...

Yummmmmy! A bit of sweet chocolate heaven landed in my open mouth just a few minutes ago. Thank you, my Canadian angel. Hope you have an equally sweet night.

Draffin Bears said...

Hi Renee,

You write so beautifully and we are all touched by your life and love that you so wonderfully share with us.

Hoping that the limbo will be over and you will get on top of everything.

Sending my well wishes Renee.

Hugs
Carolyn

Yvonne Anderson said...

I am the 93rd comment on your limbo post. All of the people before me have been touched by you in some way.

I am too.

I wish everything good for you Renee.
I wish for the cancer to realise that it no longer wants to give you it's attention. That the cells will get fed up, hide and stay stable, locked away in the deepest part of you so that no air can get to them.

So that your life will be beautiful and Limbo free once more. xx

Rusted Wings said...

There is a place where you can trust and know there's a plan and a purpose in every trial, a calm in the eye of the storm... and though we walk at times through the valley of the shadow of death...there is a shelter of peace. I pray this all for you dear one.
"In quietness and confidence is your strength"
blessings of faith and hope in His Love,
xoabigail

Lisa said...

thinking of you this very long good friday - sending love and an offer to help shoulder the fear if need be xxx

CarolineH said...

Renee,
Words can't even touch what I'm feeling right now. It took me a long time to collect my thoughts, but as always, those thoughts are jumbled up. I love you, my dear dear friend, and will be thinking and praying that you are still stable. I just found you, and damn it..i'm not ready or willing to lose you. So, I'll pray, and put on my rose colored glasses and tell myself that it's all going to be ok for years to come.

Love,
Caroline xoxo

Baino said...

Oh Renee . .100 comments on this one so I'll keep it short. I can only imagine the way you feel but know that you're not alone! I wish they could be so much faster with results and avoid that awful wait. Do you realise you only have two male postings on these comments . .that's quite a sisterhood you have surrounding you! Gotta help a little? Maybe? Hopefully?

Elizabeth said...

Wow. What a post. Judicious use of the word "fuck" -- I admire that. I will pray for you tonight and wish, too.

Snowbrush said...

"Judicious use of the word "fuck"

Those who are in the know, know that Renee is always fucking judicious in her fucking use of the fucking word fuck. She makes some of us fucking excited that way.

Lydia said...

I don't like the limbo either. Hubby goes again for his scans at the end of the month. He had a little cough/cold, and he's been achy.I pray every time I see or hear this, even when he is sleeping .

He does not like to talk about the cancer. His family thinks he is running away. I think he is trying to not obsess about it. But, a little talking, I think, would be good for him. He avoids talking of the future in any format. For me it is hard, because I must put important matters in front of me, so that I can try my hardest to do the best that I can do.

But this limbo crap is surely for the birds.

Have a great Easter:)xo Lydia

Carol Lawecki said...

Hello Renee, I found my way here through Bella's blog. I am very touched by your blog. I am praying you have a good scan and get the results you are hoping for and soon so you are not in limbo for long.
My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Robyn said...

I hear you, Renee. You have put this feeling into words.....I couldn't quite describe it but you've hit the nail on the head. My husband is in limbo. We all hold our breath until the test results come back and even though they are negative every ache and pain must be cancer. We all live through it with him and we celebrate with each good test result.

Healing thoughts to you >>>>>>

Björnik said...

My dear Renee, it has been a while since the last time I went here and you were still fine then. I want you to know that I've been always thinking of you when I was gone. How are you? I do hope that you are perfectly fine now and found your way out of that limbo.

I think it's the waiting that's killing most people. Conscious of their apparent departure, they live their lives less than how they should be. And when you said you're boring people around you, who are you refering to? I don't think that we your friends will frequent this blog if you were. It's difficult but I also think that you should think less about your situation and live your life to the fullest.

I've missed you soooo much Renee! Come on, let me give you a big hug then let's get out of this limbo ok?:)

xoxo
Björnik

Linda said...

Hello Renee
I find it hard to know what to say after reading the last 107 comments. But I'm so glad to see this powerful network of support around you....and you know I am part of it.
You are in my thoughts every day.
Hugs
Linda xxx

Sydney said...

OH I can so relate, even though C is not my malady. It is infinitely difficult... and I want to say few people understand. But you were able to write about it so beautifully, that I think EVERYONE relates/understands here. I am reaching out through the computer to say, I get it. Hang in there (I know you are and WILL). And I think you're incredible.

Deborah said...

Oh, if only the tears of strangers could heal you...I'm sure you feel the prayers though. It seems such an incredibly small thing to do when your situation is BIG. Yet, there they are, little silver threads, spiraling up to Heaven, bouncing off the stars, making their way to the One Who counts the tears. Sending you all my love, Deborah