Wednesday, 22 April 2009

Bone First Please

I’ve started to lie and that is something I never do. But I’m coming clean so that I won’t have to lie again.

Even though I know when I get my results, I tell my family that I am not sure when I will get them. But I have come clean and told them that I will not tell anyone when I get the results because I feel too much pressure.

Imagine having everyone in your family’s hopes resting on your shoulders. They are all so hopeful and anxious that the test results be okay that I feel more anxious about hearing the results. It is like I am not only waiting for the axe to fall on me, but to fall on my family too. And with the nature of Stage 4 Inflammatory Breast Cancer, the axe will fall at some point.

The other morning Jacquie was driving me to the hospital and she kept asking me ‘So, what do you have today? Is it blood work and x-rays?’ I answer yes twice and then she asks me again. “For fuck sake Jacquie, you know fucking well I am getting the results, why are you asking me. I didn’t want to say because now I feel more pressure that you are going to be sitting for an hour worrying and now I have your fucking pressure too. Christ.” I am crying and Jacquie starts crying. I feel better that I have passed on some of my angst to her.

The tears have given me some relief. Notice how I deflect my pain.

I am such a beast I have just been yelling at an angel. And in angel fashion, Jacquie apologizes to me.

My appointment is for 9 a.m. and I get brought in to the room. I change and put on a gown and then have to leave the room walking down the hallway with a bare back and my tail hanging down because I was placed in the wrong room. No big deal.

If you can believe it, I am feeling much more relaxed than I was the last time I came. Back then I almost had a panic attack.

In the new room I sit with my eyes closed thinking that if I keep them closed when the doctor talks to me I won’t have to see the axe swing down. It is sheer torture having to see all this come at you. Some of you might remember my post ‘Some Fantasies Are Better Left As Fantasies’ where I talk about not having to see what is coming at me.

I often wonder how others cope with impending doom. What are other strategies people use while waiting for test results that may change their and their family’s lives again? Over the last few years I have learned to live a lot in the now, but when the now is the waiting room and the possible axe it is a difficult now to live in. It is hard to be present when the present situation is extremely stressful.

In the end, sitting in the waiting room waiting to be called and then being brought to the examining room waiting to be examined I continue my self-talk. ‘Fear is the mind killer. The results will be what they are. I am doing the best I can. Please God help me.’

I tell myself that it will be okay. The bottom line is that I know I want it to be okay, but I know that it just might not be okay. I know that the possibility that it is not going to be okay and that the disease may not be responding to Femara any longer is real. I know that the cancer will spread even if I am tough and brave and believe. I know that the cancer will find its way around the treatment I am on and will bring me closer to my death; and I wonder if this is the time that will happen.

I have had to deal with the knowledge that since the word cancer came out of my doctor’s mouth that nothing will ever be okay again. Since that word ‘cancer’ and in the hours and days and months since; I knew it would never be clearly okay again.

I tell the nurse I want the results from my blood tests and tumor markers and she gets me all the forms. My hemoglobin is dropping and that explains my fatigue. My platelets are going up and that is a good thing as it means my bone marrow is doing better. My tumor markers are going up and that is not a good thing.

Dr. Grenier comes in within five minutes of me sitting in the new room and I am surprised because I’m usually waiting there forever.

‘How are you feeling Renee? Oh I know you want your results right away from the scans. They are stable. That is good news.’

Yes, yes it is indeed.


Anonymous said...

And world's biggest hugs!!! I am SO happy!
Love, love, love to you.

Two Mile Creek Primitives said...

WHOO HOO good news Yea for Renee!!! Keep it up sister....Love you! Hugs Rene'

June said...

Good news, indeed. Renee, I just discovered your blog today (via Tessa's Aerial Armadillo) and spent over two hours reading. You write so eloquently about your life and thoughts and family, and I love your pictures. Is some of it your original art? You are why I went back to my blog that I haven't visited in months. Good luck. I don't believe the outcome is inevitable.

Taylor said...

Auntie Renee,
12:45am is much more enjoyable with your company!
I read the word 'Stable' and my curious university-mode nature wanted a defination. The third one brought a smile to my face:
c) Maintaining equilibrium; self-restoring: a stable aircraft.
- I like the sound of that!
I appreciate balance/equilibrium. I have always loved airplanes; and have a secret/not-so secret thing for a special pilot!

love, love.

Lisa said...

blessed be xx

Sarah said...

Hi Renee,
I am so glad the results were stable.
Sarah x

Strawberry Girl said...

It's kind of hard to be nice at circumstances like those. Such a difficult situation *Hugs*


A Spoonful Of Sugar said...

Fantastic news - I am jumping for joy for you Renee!

Delwyn said...

Hallelujah Renee
Happy Days

Mim said...

I was reading this and nodding sagely - thinking of what I would write to you about my own ways of coping with my husbands illnesses... and the constant viewing of those lovely biomarkers...
and then I got to the last sentence and tears came to my eyes.

I know it's alot of pressure for you to have everyone waiting with baited breath to see what Magic Doctor says, but his words were sweet and your friends are happy for you. God bless...

Zom said...

Thank you for taking us with you. I am honoured.

Ces said...

But what does "stable" mean? Oh, waiting for results is excruciating!!! And you are the optimist. That is a gift - a precious gift!!!

Your loving and caring family are your angels. They struggle with you. They feel your pain. Your condition is not your's alone. Your prognosis, is their prognosis too. Jacquie is pure gold to apologize for something she has not done.

When I was 16 y.o. and nervously walked from the dorm to the nursing wards for my first clinical experience in Fundamentals of Nursing, a clinical instructor who I thought treated me with favoritism touched my shoulder to stop me. I stopped and looked at her and she smiled and said (I may have paraphrased this a hundred times thoroughout my career): "Today is a special day, you will touch your first of many patients for the rest of your nursing career. The patient will be lucky because you are her nurse." I smiled and continued walking with confidence. What she did not mention again was something that she always taught us in the classroom: "The person laying on the bed is not your only patient, but also her family and friends."

Throughout my nursing career I tried my best so I could continue thinking that I made a difference in my patients' lives. As it turned out, it was not so much that I cared for them and I taught them a lot about their health. The truth is, my patients taught me a lot about LIFE!

It's too early and you have ance again made me reflect. Your words and my Bella's art are better than coffee!!!

Arija said...

Renee, I have been to the pearly gates a few times and, although I was happy to go or stay and prepared to leave it up to a higher power, I was sent back in a way that made it clear to me that we cannot choose our coming or going with our ego but if we learn our lesson more quickly we are often left here to learn something more. Both my sister and I have shed cancer by changing our own thinking. Should you wish to talk about it or not and just offload onto someone you don't know from Adam, I have very broad shoulders.
My e-mail is at your disposal.

Deb a.k.a.The Invisible Blogger.... said...

Well I am happy that your news was decent. I don't say "good" because being honest "good news", would be, well, better. I understand you not wanting to "tell", yet the flip side is that for those around you it can be harder not knowing whats going on. (I secretly thought perhaps this is why you have been scarce the last few days) I prayed that everything would be fine, and that even if it wasn't "good" news that just knowing where you stood would bring you some, relief. I hope you will take that trip with your children very soon. No, it's not over, and no one can say what will happen, so please put that "baggage" down for a bit. Your not leaving us yet, so stay and visit, have some tea, and let's have some fun.

This message was for you and you don't have to post it. I just missed you this week.
God Bless

linda cardina said...

you always squeeze my heart so tightly... i am relieved to hear things are remaining stable. again you amaze me renee. i am always thinking about u and praying for u and your family. ((((((((hugs))))))))))).


nollyposh said...

Oh my dearest Renee
(((hugz))) is all i can do
~Love~ is all i can send~
and my <3 stays with you while you wait x

Dear Renee
You have so much more beautiful energy than anyone i know...
and in my bOOk that counts for ~everything~

While i wait, i cry, or eat...
i release it or distract myself ...and i tell 'fear' that he is not my friend, not now, or ever!
and when he tries to lure me with talk that death is darkness, i ~laugh~ in his face and tell him that he knows nothing about the light and THAT is all that fills me now...

(Waiting should be against the law!!!)

~Love~ and *light* to you my friend xox

Marion said...

Hallelujah for GOOD news!!! I'm so glad, Renee. Blessings and Hugs coming your way.....(((HUG)))

Anonymous said...

I know you might not think it but you shine so damn brightly that you make my heart swell inside of me. I listen to you and I love you even more than i did the last time i listened to your thoughts. There is just something about you my friend that sets you apart from others....and I know I am not the only person who thinks that way about you.
You are so loved and you are so perfectly beautiful. I think of you every day and when i do you always make me smile.

jacquie said...

"I know that the cancer will spread even if I am tough and brave and believe."

when i read your above statement i realized what a powerful message that you are giving to other people....(you are stating a fact and keeping it real)

you are doing the best that you can is exactly what you are doing...i have wittnessed it first hand... and if i had even a penny for every time that i saw you bravely march on with any test/treatment and results....
we would be traveling the world and not have to worry about a dime....if only we could just buy you a cure...but we can't and i know that i will walk with you thru this horrific journey hopeing you will take my hand when you need to.

i love you to the moon and back
together strong

Björnik said...

Dear Renee, did you mean an angel's tail? By the way, why do you think angels have wings and not tails? It would expose their undergarments if they're wearing one I guess.hihi

I hope the results are good but if you feel like shouting, I'm all ears. I was out of touch because of we are still applying for a new internet connection. Hope to get back to blogging soon. I missed you.

Say hi to Shelly for me too. Please remind her of the fine Canadian girl she wants me to set me up with.haha Just kidding.


Sonia ;) said...

Ok Dear Friend.....WHEW!!!! Jacquie understands, we understand...I used to tell my dad its ok get mad, yell at me...hard to yell at air. never apologize dad because I gave ya permission to say say it....

Renee I adore your friendship, I think our friendship came a at a good time in my healing process...I am always here for ya Girlie....even to cuss at....

Sonia ;)

Artistic Accents by Darla said...

Renee, I am praying for the very best for you!!
Cyber hugs,

Jeannine said...

Renee, my prayers have been answered. Stable is good news and I am so happy to hear it. The deep love that you and Jacquie share for each other cannot be affected no matter what. The tears were a stress release for both of you. My day has just become a lot brighter after reading your blog.
Love You Always
Jeannine XOXOXO

Anonymous said...

Of Renee, I could hardly breathe as I read your blog. Praise God for stable results.Love you,
Happy Earth Day. Barb

Anonymous said...


Having had surgery on my hand yesterday where I had friends helping me and today being alone and having to deal with things and feeling sorry for myself, I read your post and it puts it all in perspective. I am so glad that your results were good. Sending off a big virtual hug and a smile too.


K said...

God bless you are an amazing, brave, honest, authentic, strong woman! You remind me a lot of my mom. I love this post...such honesty and rawness. I hope today is a good one for you. Many hugs coming your direction!

suziart said...

Renee, you are something so special. Reading your post this morning left me with such respect and love for you. Stable is Good News and I will celebrate that today, in honor of you. I am sending comfort and hugs,a really big hug to you.

Deborah said...

Sending you all my love, little silver threads spiraling up to Heaven...lifting you and your family high, high, above all this, to be free of have peace. **blows kisses** Deborah

Flor Larios Art said...

Yes.yes,yes...I knew it! I am very happy for you.
A big hug!

Coreopsis said...

Oh my! The hard hard things we all have to do--but you especially. I so appreciate the courage you have writing about this. It sounds like you are surrounded by winderful people, but still. I just want to say Thank You for posting, and though you don't know me, you have all of my absolute best wishes for you--to be strong and filled with joy.

Julie said...


I just breathed out a gigantic sigh of relief. Awesome, awesome, awesome. Now will you go to Vegas?

Sydney said...

Shit sister.

Please accept my first thoughts, crude as they appear.

Second thoughts: I wish I could scoop you up for -- take your pick -- ice cream, cocktails, chocolate and/or girl time at a spa. In Hawaii. Or Paris. Or, both! An entirely no pressure, no doctor or tests, nothing but good-in-the-now day.

yoon see said...

Don't worry, I will pray for you.
Healing takes time and patience.
I believe you are on the complete healing journey, it's not too far:)

Just continue to have faith!

studio lolo said...

Stable is good Renee!
Stable is awesome!!
Stable is hopeful and non-threatening.
I'm cheering for you. I held my breath until the end of the post.
I'm sure all of your friends and family are letting out one collective SIGH ;)
Yay you!!

lota and lots of love,

Diana Evans said...

Hi glad things are stable for you....You just gave me the courage I need for my physical tomorrow....I am never one to go to the doctor and get anything thank you for that....

Bless you!!!


Manon Doyle said...

As I read this tears fill my eyes. I can't even imagine what this is like for you but I feel for you! I believe that the bigger picture is that through this illness you have inspired and given strength to many people. I know you have for me! Good news about your results!!

Linda said...

YAY!! That is great news. Congratulations.

Shelly said...

I do understand what you are saying, but maybe the thinking should change – it is not our hopes resting on your shoulders, it is our arms … cancer is too big of a burden for one person. Your “peeps” love you and wouldn’t have it any other way. Oh, and I'm pretty sure that under those circumstances it is okay if one angel yells at the other, but I did love how Jacquie apologized…xoxo

Daria said...

That is wonderful news ... good news for you translates into good news for me. It gives me hope ... so thank you thank you thank you!

Good job sister!

Sarah said...

Oh hon - I'm doing a massive happy dance for you and for me & all of us! I emailed you hon. I am glad for you that this one is done and maybe you can chase away that monster for a bit. Love you hon, Sarah

Kelly Kilmer said...

Sending many hugs and much love

Meghann said...

Oh God Renee, I am sorry you have so much to deal with. I wish I could take all or some of it off of your shoulders and help. I hate being so damn far away from you or I would make funny faces and hug you till you laughed a real, happy, belly shaking laugh.
I pray for you constantly and no matter what the tests say, whether you tell us or not, we are here rooting for you and will be here for you in whatever way we can forever and ever and ever. 24/7, 365 we're YOURS :D
Hugs and prayers,

Pattee said...

Renee ..
After I finished reading your post I realized I was holding my breath..... I hope by saying that ... that doesn't put pressure on you...

I admire your forth coming and strength. I too wait for results like it's the end of the time I have here on earth. I am so happy the scans were stable...
and ....
yes Fools are willing to try anything and with gusto~

lakeviewer said...

Renee, you're going through such a life shaking situation that must leave you numb or angry. You gather your strength and try to live with hope and normalcy, as long and as well as you can muster. Everyone wants to help; but they can't.

You got love all over the place, cradling you and wishing and praying and sending out SOS to Mother Earth and Father Sky. Many miracles have occurred. We don't prepare to die; we prepare to live. All our cells want to live and love and grow.

I have a 'normal' activity/ a tag for you on my blog, if you feel like doing it, fine; if you hate it, and want to scream at me for the insult I just produced, go for it.

Carrie @ Cottage Cozy said...

Hi Renee...I have come to your blog because I was given the honor of being the recipient of the Renee Award (of course in your name) and I had to find out what exactly it meant to be presented with this award. I have learned a lot about what an acorn is and what it means to be one...and of course in reading about your story and your life...I am indeed more than honored to not only receive this award, but to be challenged to live it out! I can only hope I do it justice. Thanks for being an inspiration to me to live my life in a way where I turn on the "light" each day for myself and for those that come into my path. I hope you might have a moment to stop by blog where my post may explain my feelings more fully.

Stay Cozy,

Karin said...

My dear Renee, the weight of this wait has been heavy and I'm very glad it is now lifted a bit from your shoulders - the axe set aside. So very very grateful that you have some good news in the stability of your scans, and hope that there are ways to assist your hemoglobin to lift that fatigue.
It is so hard feeling the responsibility of caring for self and caring for those that care for us - sometimes it seems that just being alone might be easier! But that is never the answer either - such a fine balance we all walk because we love...
Sending you a big wave of that love, and know that what you release (of personal info life test results), and when you release it is one thing you truly have some say in in this process, so I honor your choice in how and when it is shared. Now I hope you find a way to celebrate this latest hurdle with something that brings you joy! I love you, Karin

Manon Doyle said...

Hi Renee,
I left you a comment earlier but I don't think it took! Anyway, your post left tears in my eyes. I can't imagine what you're going through but I so feel for you! I believe that the reason you may be going through this is to provide strength and inspiration for others .... you certainly do that for me. I'm so happy you got great news!!

Renee said...

Jacquie you are a beautiful spirit. You know what I think of you. You know that I think you are the one person in this world that when God sees he will say

"Well Done."

Love Renee xoxoxo

kj said...

oh god renee. reading this was torture. and then reading jacqui's comment just now. doesn't anyone beat the odds? may i stand guard in a little corner of my heart where a miracle can happen for my friend renee and her beloved family? i bow to you, my sweet wonderful moon sister. i cry for you. i extend my arms and tell you i would drop everything if i could help you, make a difference, steer the universe. is it possible to love someone like this, in blogland? and love her family too?
i am spent and jubilant. and so thankful for the news.

kj said...

okay, here i am again because i couldn't mix what i wanted to say. here's what happened to me today. i looked out my window and saw the mailman skipping up my driveway. he reached into his pouch and broke out in song, "oh happy day for ms. kj. here's a gift from her friend renee!" he sang this to the tune of 'take me out to the ballgame." it was unreal, renee.

thank you soul sister. and please thank jacquie for taking the time to read the book. i still wonder what some of it was like for you, the cancer parts...i hope i did that part well. love you, kj

Sonia ;) said...

My Dear Friend,

I am fine, you have helped heal my Boo-Boos...I would love White Hair, a natural blonde that everyone tries very hard to achieve. Mine is coming out like Mrs. Munster...I think it is cool and have not colored my hair in almost a year. Showes wisdom, grace and knowledge of years past...You better had shook your Booty to some music...I will shake mine tonight when I get home for ya also....Blessed be my Raven friends.....

"When the Raven tried to bring fire to the world, ash turned its feathers Black" Cherokee Indian Legend....How funny that the poor Raven has become a dark moody specimen. When really it was strong, brave and legend among of ancestors. Your the strong brave Cherokee Raven.

xoxoxox Sonia ;)

Michelle said...

Fuck tumour markers going up but yay for stability!!!!


Anonymous said...

Oh thank God, you had me pinned to my seat with every breathing word. So very pleased your results are stable. Bless your daughter and you so very much!

Luv and hugs to my living Angel!

Ingrid Mida said...

Hi Renee,
I am one of the recipients of the Renee award and I came over to read your story. You are indeed a lady of courage and strength and I wish you the best in your battle.
Btw, my husband grew up in Winnipeg and talks lovingly of the Jeanie cake (a white cake with a shortcrust bottom). Have you ever had one?

Once Upon A Blue Crow said...

Stable is very good indeed. It's a comforting word. Do you remember Steel Magnolias? How could something be so beautiful yet so strong? That's what you are, a magnolia. Their sheer beauty and resilience is so amazing to me-full and big and vibrant. Always willing to share their beauty with the world.

I think your angels will understand if you feel pissed sometimes or sad or just feel like screaming at the top of your lungs. In fact I'm coming up on PMS week and I will scream right beside you. But right now, stable is really good.

Meghann said...

You are more important to me than you could ever possibly know.
Keep on staying strong, you are amazing girl!

Ingrid Mida said...

Hi again,
I've nominated you for an award on my blog (Blog of a Bookworm). I also wrote about what the Renee award means to me on the same post. I hope you'll stop by when you get a chance.
Best wishes.

glorv1 said...

Stable is good Renee, and big hug to you. You give us all food for thought. I was there in the waiting room with you as you waited. You've taken us on your journeys each time for your results and we have all been there with you. Now time to celebrate, my thoughts are with you as you enjoy your evening and I thank God that he is with all of us. ::hugs::

Matterhorn said...

Dear Renee,

I just found your blog and I am very touched by your post. You are very courageous. God bless.

Do you know about the Gerson Therapy? It is a natural, alternative therapy for cancer, using organic food and juices. It cured my grandmother when she had cancer. The therapy was developed by an Austrian doctor, Max Gerson, and has had a high success rate over many decades. More information can be found here:

I hope my comment doesn't seem intrusive or anything, but I just wanted to let you know. God bless.

Dragonesque said...

What a moving post! So glad the news was good. Sending you love and light always ♥

Linda Sue said...

Oh Sweet nail biting Jaysuz! I have been on the edge of my seat, girl. I send gobs of love, sweetness and light and bubble gum walks along the beach - a nap at the cottage after kicking about in the waves! LOVE YOU!

Anonymous said...

Ahhhh. I had my heart in my throat through the entirety of that post. So wonderful to hear you got good news this time. If you were hear, you'd see me doing a happy dance for you!

Bella Sinclair said...

Ohhhhh, HALLELUJAH HALLELUJAH! I am gettin' up and doing the happy dance!!! Oh, Renee, Renee, Renee, my Canadian nut! I am REJOICING!

I've been carrying around this terrible knot in the pit of my stomach for weeks now. That does not even compare to the humongous BOULDER that you've had to shoulder for several years. Darling, don't ever feel like you've let your loved ones down with bad news. None of this, not one ounce of this crap, is your fault. That is just Classic Renee, to be thinking about how this all will impact others before thinking about yourself. Like you said, you're just doing the best you can, and damn, you're doing such an amazing job carrying this boulder.

When I read the last line, I had to go to my closet, bury my head between my hanging clothes to muffle any sounds and let out a WALLOP of a scream! I can finally exhale. Shhhheeeewwwwwwwww. Love you!

BT said...

Dearest Renee, I read this with my hand to my mouth in anticipation. I suppose 'stable' is good. Love you.

Sue said...

This was a heartstopping post to read, however a joyous one at the finish.

You are such an inspiration, to all of us.


A Gift Wrapped Life said...

I am honoured to have had the Renee Award passed on to me today from Ingrid at Blog of a Bookworm.
Your story is quite remarkable and will be appreciated by so many fighting the good fight and anyone who faces challenges ( I do as well right now). Now that I have met you I will keep you in my thoughts and keep checking in on your progress. My late mother was born in Pine Falls Manitoba.
Nice to meet you via your honest blog.

kj said...

renee, i just wanted to tell you: mim is a wonderful woman. i would trust her experience and support 100%.

i got alot of the cancer info and experience from my friends cheryl and maureen. traveled the chemo path with them, still do, but like you the news is stable.

oh, and let's not forget those cancer cells hate the f word.
fa, fa, fa, fa fa fa fa...


Noreen said...

I know it's a tuff space to be in between you thoughts (and feelings) and those who love (and want your cancer to be in "remission").

I am so happy for your results!So happy for you and your family!

Keep kicking butt girl!

A Thousand Clapping Hands said...

Hello Renee -
I had the honor of receiving a Renee award recently and wanted to come by and meet you. Your blog is a special place with absolutely gorgeous images. I am so happy for your good news today. I wish you happy days ahead.

Anonymous said...

I am sooo happy Renee,I love you sooo much! I love that you share your thoughts and feelings with all of us,thankyou for making us all understand. YOU are the smartest,bravest,most beautiful woman I know! Love you,KDB xoxo

Anonymous said...

That is good must be very difficult to have so much emotional weight on your shoulders.

Jann said...

HI Renee--I think of you so often now, and I am so glad that God is answering everyone's prayers for you with good news. I wish I could take you out for a cup of coffee or an ice cream or something! Take good care of yourself, and know that I, like so many others, care. Love, Jann

Michelle said...

Oh god, I did not mean to break your heart :(

Fucking reality sucks doesn't it.

You are awesome


kathy hare said...

Sending lots of love to you Renee.. and also to Jacquie for being such a special and understanding friend..

Sherry said...

Hey Renee,
I was blog-hopping, and stumbled upon your blog.

It was only yesterday that I heard about IBC for the FIRST time. And I found your blog today.

Be strong, my prayers are with you.

(Love, love your blog :))

Every Photo Tells A Story said...

I am ELATED about your good news, my friend. To be honest, though, I'm not thrilled about the "journey" it took to discover the good news!

Love Nancy

Deanna said...

I'm very happy for you...take a deep breath and enjoy for a while!

Love, Deanna

Lizzy Frizzfrock said...

Renee, I can only begin to imagine the stress you & your loved ones are experiencing. I am sitting here in tears which came at the beginning of your post.
Tears for what you are going through, tears for family & friends, tears that the news may not be good, and finally tears of relief that your results are stable. I'm so happy for you!

Angela Recada said...

Dear Renee, I read your post yesterday before anyone else's comments had appeared, and couldn't find the words to say what I wanted to say to you. Who am I to presume to offer words of comfort to you in such a desperate situtation? I've been thinking about you often since I first read your post, and sending you every prayer and bit of healing energy I can muster.

Stable is good!

Anonymous said...

Happy day Renee! Thank you so much for your message!
This is the third day I tempt to take Charlotte's bicycle to schoo.l She is 5 years old now. First day, one of the new stablizer wheels got stuck several times and realized that Mark had put them too low and she wasn't running on her big back wheel. I got to my mum's house (she lives half way home) totally shattered. John and My sister's partner Steve sorted out the back wheel and thought we had loosened the stablizer wheel. Well it stuck again and I for one was so shattered that I could just sit and not talk. Poof! Daddy again loosened the stablizer wheel and yesterday I took the bicycle to school pulling it with a dog lead so as not to ache my back and knees again. Thought I was doing really well, everything seemed fine.
Well these new special bolts are designed in away to keep locked and not come undone. One stablizer wheel went tight again and the other fell off! Poof!
Again I titled the bicycle up it the air and pushed it all the way home on the back large wheel.
I think I have realized that the bolts are the wrong way around and need to be placed on opposite ways.
Mark has done this and I am hoping I won't have to push the bicycle home again today!
All in the summer madness,lol!
Charlotte so loves her bicycle, her face beams when she sees it. I beginning not to love her bicycle!

I am improving with my face, I can yawn without much pain, My heart burn as subsided which I didn't think was part of the whole thing. Not had to take rennies through the night. I am feeling a lot more fresher, maybe the sun is helping in this.

Oh I fed the dog his dog meat and placed it in his water bowl, woops! I am such a silly sausage as Charlotte would of called me if she had seen me.

Hope you are feeling lovely today!

All my love to you!

studio lolo said...

Dear Renee,

I have always loved reading your sister's words, "Together strong."

That's what this whole community is, right? We're here for each other and it's all good.

I love my card. It was a bright spot in my foggy day. Thanks, Sister Raven!

Love you,

kathy hare said...

Renee, you are welcome to use my art whenever you want..
lots of love

Lori ann said...

Dear Renee,
I too have recieved your BEAUTIFUL award recently. I love your blog and you so much, but I don't comment, since mostly i don't know what to say. I love my life and my family. I can't imagine what you are going through. But I feel your energy here, its so strong, your heartbeat, i can feel it. You are a beautiful human being.

and is it ok to say really funny too?

sending you waves of love on warm ocean breezes, can you feel it?

♥ lori

p.s. Happy Birthday to your precious son.

ben said...

there arent many pleasure's in life better than hearing fantastic new!!!! cancer cannot be beat, but it can certainly be delayed, especially with our blood lines. if grandpa died "when he was supposed to", he would of been gone years earlier!! and dont think for one second, he isnt up there lobbying like a son of a bitch to buy you as much time as possible. in fact i can hear him now. lol!!

Ms. Lucy said...

Hi Renee:)I just received the Renee award and after dropping by to learn more about you and your story, I passed it on to other recipients who I knew would also be enlightened and inspired by this. You're a special person, and by the looks of your blog and all your followers and all the comments, you've touched many lives. I too am cheering you on, and I wanted you to know that today there is one extra prayer going up there for you:) Thanks,

Sherry Byrum said...

Good new Renee! Sarah turned me on to your blog and I will click on the follow me button when I finish this comment. I would like to tell you that I understand but I only half understand. I do not have cancer but my husband does and I could so relate to your sentence that from the moment the word cancer came out of the Doctor's mouth you knew it would never be the same! Much love to you!! Thank you for being brave enough to share your story!

Snowbrush said...

Whoopee! Whoopee! Whoopee!

Now that that's said:

"walking down the hallway tail hanging down"

Are you, by any chance, one of the proverbial squirrel bloggers that I've heard so much about but never thought I would meet? Or a dog blogger, perhaps?

....Uh, may I scratch behind your ears?

Carol Lawecki said...

I'm so happy that your results were stable! I'm sending positive thoughts and prayers your way and hope that everything stays stable for a long time!! xo

Baino said...

Aww sweetness. I don't know how you cope frankly but I guess with little choice you just have to grin and bear it and you do that so well. You're entitled to a tantrum. Hell I have tantrums when my leaf blower won't start! I can't help with coping mechanisms, I just seem to barge on forward, moan that shit happens and somehow things seem a little lighter in the mornings. I'm very pleased that you're stable. That's a breakthrough and a relief.

Primitiques 'n Poetry said...

My name is Mindy. Your friends totally rock to have come up with this acorn/tree award. I got one and I am so glad to have met you. Even though it sucks, why I met you. I have not read enough of your blog to know if you a praying woman. But, I am. And you have a new prayer warrior on your team. Happy stable. ~Mindy

Ingrid Mida said...

Hi Renee,
I thought I'd pop by to say that I thought it was incredibly kind of you to offer to arrange a Jeanie cake if the need should arise!!! Wow, you are a kind and generous soul!
A few years back, another Winnipegger gave me a recipe and I can replicate it pretty well. It beats having to sit with a fragile cake on your lap for the flight to Toronto! If you'd like the recipe, let me know.
I hope you are having a good day.
Best wishes!

CarolineH said...

ohhh Renee..I can finally take a big breath. My heart was in my throat when I saw this latest post. I was terrified to read it, but because I love you so much, had to. As I read all that you wrote, tears were welling up. Honey, I can't say that I know what you're going through, but I can say that every extra moment of time that you're given, is a gift to me too. You have reached so far down into my heart, as your dad did. You are such a rare, unique, brave, beautiful lady, and according to your results, one that will be around to cherish and love longer. :)
Thank you so much for sharing such personal posts with us. It's the only way that all of us who love you so much can have an inkling into your life.
Love, love, love you, sweet sister of my heart.
Caroline xoxoxoxo

Wendy said...

Wowie - what can I possibly add? I am happy your results are good. Yippeeee! May they stay that way!

I know what you mean about self talk. What to hold on to? What to say that will make everything o.k.?
Sending you lots of white light and hugs.

Woman in a Window said...

breathing now~
breathing some more~

Emerald Arts said...

*happy dance*

Do whatever you've got to do to get through it, that's all I can say. I used to pretend I was fine when I was sick as a dog, just so my mum wouldn't stress, but it always made me feel worse. Other peoples expectations and emotions have such a weight to them.

Maybe you need to just nominate one family member to tell so that they can then tell everyone else for you. Let someone else do all the explaining ;)

Massif hugs, I heart you so much.


kj said...

moon sister, now i understand. at first i thought you meant your experience in TREATMENT was very different. (which may indeed be true also?). everyone has different reactions to the choices that alex made and, as a writer, i am glad about that. thank you again for your card. and please thank jacquie for me. i hope today was a day of relief and maybe rest. i am SO happy about your news. it gives new meaning to the word 'stable'. stable...hmmmm, yup....that's fine.


Every Photo Tells A Story said...

Holy Moly, got enough room in here for one more:D

P.S. Put your money where your mouth is, and the next time: "Bone First Please" har-har-har!

Draffin Bears said...

Great news Renee.
I am so happy for you and your family.
You are an amazing Lady and such an inspiration to everyone.
Stay strong and I am sending you my biggest hugs and well wishes.


Gourdqueen said...

Renee, your blog was introduced to me a couple of weeks ago. I haven't read all your posts yet but I am working on it. Today's news warmed my heart and I can imagine what it did for you.
I am a four year breast cancer survivor and I wish I could have shared my ups and downs on a blog. It has to be a great comfort for you to know so many people care.
I know I found out who my real friends were, the ones that stuck with me for that year long hell.
I could go on forever but I won't.
You are such an inspiration for all women and I am so glad I was introduced to you!
I will continue to follow your blog and laugh and cry along with you and all your followers!
Keep up the fight! Linda

Tammy said...

Hi Renee,
I just came upon your blog..
I am so sorry to hear of your Breast Cancer, but glad to hear your test are stable.
A few months back I just went through a Breast Cancer scare.
They found 1 lump at my Mamo, then when I went for the Biopsy they found 3 more from the ultra sound..
That was a horriable 3 weeks waiting.
I still need a breast MRI, but Doc. says to wait until my next Mamo, and see if the one they cant really see on the ultra sound has grown..But at this point they think its just fatty tissue..
I pray for you Renee, and your family..
I know what a toll this can take on you and yours.,.
Continue to live each day to its fullest, and embrace your love ones..
God Bless!
Huge Cyber Hugs!!

one little acorn said...

Dear Dear Renee,

Thank God for good news. And thank you for sharing your heart with us. I have been there and waited too, and the terror of what may be, is beyond any pain I have ever experienced.

Lots of love to you,

Cinta xxx

Chris said...

You are strong.
It's great that you share so much of yourself with us.
All the best to you.

Peach Street ~ Jamie said...

It was all I could do to read this in the proper order when all I wanted to do was skip to the good part. The willpower to do so was falicilitated by the fact that I am supposed to be in the bed sleeping but before I can get to sleep I want to check on Renee. So instead of waking anyone up by turning on the computer, I just grab the iPod that's on my bedside table. I can't tell you how maddening it was to have to creep through your words without being able to glance at that last sentence and KNOW already!!! I just have one your bags packed for vegas, yet?!
Love & hugs

Jen said...

Renee, even though I've just recently found your blog, I think I absolutely love you! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences with us. I am putting you on my iGoogle page- that's a big deal in my world ;) I'm truly looking forward to keeping up with you :)

LaWatha said...

Stable is good... very very good. I'm elated for you.

Sorry I've been away so long- we were on the road for a month, just got home this past weekend and I'm trying to get back on track, get back to normalcy/routine. I hear I missed your birthday- I hope it was a happy one. I hope you felt well and could enjoy the day and feel the love of those around you.

Happy Belated Birthday, Renee!


Anonymous said...

Love you Renee and thinking about you...

Love Yvette