Wednesday, 29 July 2009
Thoughts From Then
I was happy and for the most part I knew it.
Flashbacks From The Month Of July
July 3, 2003
*I am happy in the direction my energy is flowing. Physically sex excites and inspires me. Emotionally my family (my husband and children) excite and inspire me. Intellectually books and conversations excite and inspire me. Spiritually a beautiful flower, a blue sky, and my children excite and inspire me. Financially getting out of debt and having a savings account excites and inspires me.
*For these things all to happen more often I need to get off the speedway and relax more. Devote more time to outside the house.
*Things that steal my life energy are worries regarding family’s health, my weight, and the way I shut down. I could help clear these situations up by living one day at a time, and deal with health concerns when they come up, lose weight and be more active, and open up in my dialogue (if pissed off then state why and say what I want). People are not mind readers.
July 14, 2004
*Is it really possible that Angelique will be married in three days? Amazing!
*We went to Hafeez and Deb’s wedding and had such a wonderful time. Wait, I am going to keep this journal an ‘I’ journal. Therefore, I had a wonderful time and I danced all night.
*I believe that old men would differ about what they like about being male than younger men.
*Wahid gives me love and comfort and companionship. Nathan gives me love, a smile, joy, and stress.
*Dad gives me my social skills, the gift of the gab, and warnings of laziness; he also reminds me to keep your mind active. Dad has strongly influenced my life by helping me to be the person I am. He naturally would as he is my parent. He has taught me social skills and an acceptance of people, he has also drilled into me ‘that every situation can be handled no matter what; when the going gets tough, the tough get going.’ Dad has taught me to be self-reliant.
*Wahid is probably the man who has influenced my life the most. We have been married for 29 years and have during this time, been intimate sexually and mentally, and sometimes we have been one and not the other. But through it all Wahid’s kindness, patience, and genuine understanding have made me kinder, more patient, and more understanding. I think for a long time, and I mean until just recently, I never truly got Wahid.
*I would get frustrated because I expected him to be a certain way and he never was. Now I truly love and get him for who he is, not for what I thought he should be. Also, now I see I would not have wanted him to be other than who he is. He is better than anything I could have hoped for in my dreams. I love and admire him.
*My Dad’s best friend, my Uncle Matt also had an influence on me when I was a child. In a family of 13 children he always made me feel special and loved. He was Dutch and kind and soft-spoken.
*I think life is perfect because men are in it. I like that they are who they are.
*Because of my father’s rules and example, I feel I can do anything I want to do as long as it is legal and as long as it doesn’t hurt other people.
*In some strange way I feel a sense of entitlement. I feel smart and well liked and that there is no one I can’t win over in a social context. I believe I can have fun while at the same time never losing sight of keeping myself in control.
*My parents never fought in front of us kids.
July 26, 2004
*I have some wonderful gifts, one of which is appreciating people and letting them know how happy I am that they are here. Validation is a gift. I have this gift. Love myself and believe in me. Validate my own self.
July 27, 2004
*If I pulled out all the stops I would be the me I know I could be. When I’m in my full power, I am able to bring joy; I am able to fully appreciate myself and other people around me. When I am in my full power, there is nothing I wouldn’t be able to do.
*To defuse stress I need to realize what I have control over and do something about it and realize what I have no control over and let it go. Act when I need to act but don’t anticipate negative things.
July 14, 2005
*Five opinions I have that I am not willing to compromise on are:
-- Regardless of creed or colour all people are created equal.
-- Take people as you find them; not as others tell you they are.
-- Everyone has a right to be heard.
-- I don’t believe that if other people don’t believe in Jesus/God that they won’t see God/Heaven or an equivalent.
-- There are many paths to the same God.
*To fully express my own desires I need to be more selfish. You know, having written this I remind myself that life is about balance, and I do express my own desires and I do live my life reflecting someone else’s priorities.
*It can’t only be about me and at the same time, it can’t only be about others. I count and the other people I care about count. It never has to be at the expense of either me or them losing themselves.
*When something goes wrong I turn to my family.
*Seven of the most beautiful sights I’ve ever seen are:
-- The faces of my children and Wahid.
-- The ocean in Tobago.
-- The island of Mykanos in Greece.
-- Angelique on her wedding day.
-- The sky – morning, noon, or evening.
-- When I first met (laid eyes on) my children.
-- Helping Angelique get her classroom ready.
*How come I’m 49 and I don’t have many (at least 49) joyful moments. I think I am always on; always guarded. Guarded against what? Looking the fool; not having a tight control of myself? What’s up?
*I’m questioning whether I am just thankless? I need to teach myself to find joy, not to wait for it to find me.
July 5, 2006
*Our anniversary spent having a blood transfusion.
July 14, 2007
*I am grateful to Wahid for putting his family above everything; respect he has always shown me; hard work he does to support our family; showing me a man with tremendous character; for my beautiful children; and trying because life is hard sometimes.
I am happy and for the most part I know it.