Wednesday, 29 July 2009

Thoughts From Then

I was happy and for the most part I knew it.

Flashbacks From The Month Of July

July 3, 2003

*I am happy in the direction my energy is flowing. Physically sex excites and inspires me. Emotionally my family (my husband and children) excite and inspire me. Intellectually books and conversations excite and inspire me. Spiritually a beautiful flower, a blue sky, and my children excite and inspire me. Financially getting out of debt and having a savings account excites and inspires me.

*For these things all to happen more often I need to get off the speedway and relax more. Devote more time to outside the house.

*Things that steal my life energy are worries regarding family’s health, my weight, and the way I shut down. I could help clear these situations up by living one day at a time, and deal with health concerns when they come up, lose weight and be more active, and open up in my dialogue (if pissed off then state why and say what I want). People are not mind readers.

July 14, 2004

*Is it really possible that Angelique will be married in three days? Amazing!

*We went to Hafeez and Deb’s wedding and had such a wonderful time. Wait, I am going to keep this journal an ‘I’ journal. Therefore, I had a wonderful time and I danced all night.

*I believe that old men would differ about what they like about being male than younger men.

*Wahid gives me love and comfort and companionship. Nathan gives me love, a smile, joy, and stress.

*Dad gives me my social skills, the gift of the gab, and warnings of laziness; he also reminds me to keep your mind active. Dad has strongly influenced my life by helping me to be the person I am. He naturally would as he is my parent. He has taught me social skills and an acceptance of people, he has also drilled into me ‘that every situation can be handled no matter what; when the going gets tough, the tough get going.’ Dad has taught me to be self-reliant.

*Wahid is probably the man who has influenced my life the most. We have been married for 29 years and have during this time, been intimate sexually and mentally, and sometimes we have been one and not the other. But through it all Wahid’s kindness, patience, and genuine understanding have made me kinder, more patient, and more understanding. I think for a long time, and I mean until just recently, I never truly got Wahid.

*I would get frustrated because I expected him to be a certain way and he never was. Now I truly love and get him for who he is, not for what I thought he should be. Also, now I see I would not have wanted him to be other than who he is. He is better than anything I could have hoped for in my dreams. I love and admire him.

*My Dad’s best friend, my Uncle Matt also had an influence on me when I was a child. In a family of 13 children he always made me feel special and loved. He was Dutch and kind and soft-spoken.

*I think life is perfect because men are in it. I like that they are who they are.

*Because of my father’s rules and example, I feel I can do anything I want to do as long as it is legal and as long as it doesn’t hurt other people.

*In some strange way I feel a sense of entitlement. I feel smart and well liked and that there is no one I can’t win over in a social context. I believe I can have fun while at the same time never losing sight of keeping myself in control.

*My parents never fought in front of us kids.

July 26, 2004

*I have some wonderful gifts, one of which is appreciating people and letting them know how happy I am that they are here. Validation is a gift. I have this gift. Love myself and believe in me. Validate my own self.

July 27, 2004

*If I pulled out all the stops I would be the me I know I could be. When I’m in my full power, I am able to bring joy; I am able to fully appreciate myself and other people around me. When I am in my full power, there is nothing I wouldn’t be able to do.

*To defuse stress I need to realize what I have control over and do something about it and realize what I have no control over and let it go. Act when I need to act but don’t anticipate negative things.

July 14, 2005

*Five opinions I have that I am not willing to compromise on are:

-- Regardless of creed or colour all people are created equal.

-- Take people as you find them; not as others tell you they are.

-- Everyone has a right to be heard.

-- I don’t believe that if other people don’t believe in Jesus/God that they won’t see God/Heaven or an equivalent.

-- There are many paths to the same God.

*To fully express my own desires I need to be more selfish. You know, having written this I remind myself that life is about balance, and I do express my own desires and I do live my life reflecting someone else’s priorities.

*It can’t only be about me and at the same time, it can’t only be about others. I count and the other people I care about count. It never has to be at the expense of either me or them losing themselves.

*When something goes wrong I turn to my family.

*Seven of the most beautiful sights I’ve ever seen are:

-- The faces of my children and Wahid.

-- The ocean in Tobago.

-- The island of Mykanos in Greece.

-- Angelique on her wedding day.

-- The sky – morning, noon, or evening.

-- When I first met (laid eyes on) my children.

-- Helping Angelique get her classroom ready.

*How come I’m 49 and I don’t have many (at least 49) joyful moments. I think I am always on; always guarded. Guarded against what? Looking the fool; not having a tight control of myself? What’s up?

*I’m questioning whether I am just thankless? I need to teach myself to find joy, not to wait for it to find me.

July 5, 2006

*Our anniversary spent having a blood transfusion.

July 14, 2007

*I am grateful to Wahid for putting his family above everything; respect he has always shown me; hard work he does to support our family; showing me a man with tremendous character; for my beautiful children; and trying because life is hard sometimes.

Flash Forward

I am happy and for the most part I know it.


Baino said...

Renee you have had so many good experiences to counter the bad. Wahid sounds pretty wonderful actually and having not had a partner for a long, long time . .I actually envy your relationship. You have been dealt a dismal blow with cancer but an incredible blessing with what sounds like a pretty solid family.

And I agree, many paths to the same God . . I am yet to find mine. My greatest joys are my children. Really.

Angela Recada said...

Good morning, dear Renee.

You are so wise and generous.

Knowing you are happy at the time you are happy is a precious gift. Too often we only see that happiness in retrospect. If only we could always truly feel it and appreciate it in the moment, despite our weight or our clothes or other superfluous things.

Like Baino, I also wholeheartedly agree with you that there are many paths to the same God. Just think of what the human race could accomplish if that topic wasn't debatable anymore!

I love you, dear one. I hope you and your loved ones are all feeling better today.

Love and hugs,

Artistic Accents by Darla said...

Amazing post Renee! I don't know where to begin even commenting on the past for you...each flashback was awesome to read.
I admire you SO much!

Silver said...

I am so glad to be reading this.

It's being transparent with yourself and allow yourself to peer deep into your soul, see who you are- and that when you do, you were able to see the beauty in all around you too.. even the stress. Becos that's real. Juat as happiness for you, hope in the future, peace and love in abundance. They are real and yours for the taking, my dear friend.


Silke said...

Renee, you are such an inspiration in how you share your inner life with us so openly! So generous of you!! And I love how you share your moments of happiness with us at a time when things are so rough for you...but then that's the time it's good to remember what makes us happy! I hope you and your family are healing!! Much love, Silke

Lola said...

You are awesome, Renee. You share your memories with us so generously, so feely. I am honored to be here, reading you and your family.

I hope last week's ailments and preoccupations are quickly dissolving.

Lola xx

soulbrush said...

i find that to 'count my blessings' when things are really rough does help. it has to!
my word for you today is
xxxxxxxxxxx from me to you and the two patients.

Momo Luna said...

And i am happy for you that you're happy dear Renee. Reading your blog always makes me softer and more caring. To be aware of the good things instead of the bad ones. And i always wants to hug my man after reading a post of you and you don't know how very important this is, but it is.

I am happy that you have so much caring and loving friends and family around you that helps you to bear tthe hard times. And i thank you for your inspiring posts. You spread love and reading your words inspires me to spread love. Love is healing and i do hope so much that you and your family is healing.

Hugs for you.

Jaliya said...

Renee, I read through your flashbacks and my first thought is, How deeply you have evolved in kindness! ... seeing into the heart of things ... recognizing the power of love and placing it at the core of who you choose to be ...

Bless you xoxo ... and I'm rubbing the Buddha's belly for you every day!

yoborobo said...

Renee - I am going to come back and read this several more times. Maybe some of your wisdom will sink into my thick head and live there. I can only hope. :) Wahid is a treasure. I am so glad he is there for you. We're all here, too - sending up more prayers and wishes than the cosmos can hold. xox Pam

Caio Fernandes said...

you are great honey ! i am happy for have come here today !!!

Anonymous said...

Hi Renee, I really connect with this blog. I too seem thankless at times and need to find joy rather than it finding me.
Praying for you and your family. Barb

sallymandy said...

These are lovely and thoughtful and inspiring and true. Thank you so much. For your words and who you are.

Deborah said...

I love when you do posts like this one. Oh do I understand the part about boys causing stress! Doesn't having a son just feel like being in the middle of a tornado at times! My tornado is napping now. Party tonight at the Cantina...I reserved a bar seat for you, Love. **blows kisses**

Anonymous said...



July 29, hhhmmmmmmmm

who could you write about for July 29, not to be self centred but i was really looking forward to a July 29 story...

pRiyA said...

You are a very, very wise woman.

That choice of illustration is beautiful.

Allegra Smith said...

Sweet dreams are made of this, knowing who we are and who those we love are. Not wishing to be, not wanting to be. Just be. Is there a greater gift? I know of none.

Seeing through the eyes of love there are no differences, no hard edges, nothing that stops us from becoming one. We are happy when we finally recognize that we are one, that the differences are created not indigenous, that our view was obstructed by our wanting to change others just as futile an enterprise as to wanting to change the color of the sky. In the words of His Holiness, the Dalai Lama "The best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other." Amen to that.

PS:no red devil this time for me, in answer to your question. Just a little pebble in my path :)

Meghann LittleStudio said...

You are blessed (and wise) to know that you have had good to counter the bad. I hope you have more good, so that it will always outweigh the bad by double :)

TheChicGeek said...

Renee, you have a special gift for seeing beauty around are truly blessed :D

Noreen said...

Renee, I love your spirit. Thanks for being so open to sharing with others the beautiful woman I am blessed to know.

Missed you Tuesday.

Many thoughts(kind ones) and prayers continue to be with you and your family at this time.

Manon Doyle said...

Hi Renee,
What a lovely post! You've share so much of yourself and your life with us.... I'm continually inspired.
Please know that you and your family are still in my prayers.
love you,

Anonymous said...

Renee, you always find the best in people, this shines through so much in your words. Your open and beautiful personality inspires us.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and how you feel. You are fantastic with sharing positiveness and love.

Pattee said...

It's funny how we change in our lives... never expecting what will be the next year or the next moment...

I love your writing. I always look forward to each post.
I laugh, I cry, I say hmmmmm? To me you are so wise, kind, thoughtful and just seeing the other posts how much people love you and admire you. You deserve every last word.

You have changed my life in so many ways.

All things that made you happy and all the imaginative ways that you wanted to change over the years.... wonderful description.

Wahid and all your children and family members are blessed to have you as their wife, their mother, their sister and mother.... all your friends should feel lucky to know you, I do and I think they all will agree.

I try and remember what I'm grateful for instead of what I don't have....

I love you Renee

Rikkij said...

Renee- why is it you have the most reason to bitch and still are the least likely to do so? I can't believe you don't have enough happy moments. I think you gave them away. I just took one now. ~rick

Ribbon said...

Renee, thank you so very much for your generosity.
big love to you
x Ribbon

Maithri said...

My dear and Beautiful friend,

I just want you to know that you are loved.

Lifted up in prayers and thoughts all across the world...

Your spirit is powerful and irrepresible, there is no doubt in my mind that we are all better because you are here with us.

Sending you my love,

Holding you tenderly in the light,


Mim said...

I'm glad you're happy - very glad

Wendy said...

What a beautiful post! Thank you for sharing your growing and learning process. Your family is special. I am happy that you and Waihid have found one another.

You asked how we are.
Hubby is doing well this month. Better than he has in a long time.
So, we're enjoying our summer.

Ces said...

What a blessed life you have dearest Renee.

Silke said...

Just checking and your loved ones have been on my mind so much! I hope you are all doing alright and that things are much improved all around! Sending lots of love!! Silke

secret agent woman said...

I love the summary at the beginning of things that inspire and exite you. Blessing counting is one of the secrets to a good life, I believe. Much love to you.

Sonia ;) said...

ou once again made me look at the same things in my life and say ...Its good...Love ya Lovey...

whats weight? As my son says..Its fluffy and fluffy feels good in hugs..LOL

xoxoxoxox S

Yoli said...

Just wanted to send you love and a hug.

K said...

you continue to inspire me and shed light on much for me. Thank you beautiful Renee!!!

yoborobo said...

Thinking of you, Renee. :) xox Pam

Pattee said...

Hi Renee.... I know you got the Circle of Friends award from Sonia....
BUT I had to leave one for you on my blog also ~ because you've become a dear best friend of mine


kj said...

renee, what else can i add that hasn't been said? i love when you post your old writing. it is quite incredible to read who you were and how you saw things before the threat of a terminal illness. it just reinforces your character and ability to touch people so deeply.

normally i wouldn't believe for a minute that you could be telling all these people you love them and mean it. but i know you mean it and i know you are capable of unlimited reserves.

everybody wants to be a close friend, renee. and the miracle is everybody is.


Lori ann said...

dear renee,

this is just the most beautiful post in the entire world.

you make me want to be a better person.


Dawn said...

Your flashbacks are inspiring to me, I see the truth and honesty in your posts - through good times and bad times you have a pretty solid foundation for these moments - your family, what a wonderful gift that is as you are all so supportive of one another and that my friend is PRICELESS

rochambeau said...

Thank you for sharing all of your thoughts. I agree with your thinking Renee. You are a wise soul. You are an inspiration.
I appreciate you for exactly the woman you have decided to become!
With love and respect~

Tessa said...

You have written many, many posts that have made me gasp in awe and admiration, Renee. This post is especially resonant with the wonder of you and the unique and special way in which you view the world. You go so far in helping your friends look to the good in their lives and to count every one of their blessing. Despite the severity of your illness, despite the battles you have fought so bravely - and still do - you always manage to awake in us a spirit of strength and hopefulness. Thank you for this...and thank you for all that you are.

I continue every day to send love to you and your family.

karengberger said...

You are a beautiful woman. I am so glad that we met here! XOXO

Clarity said...

"I need to teach myself to find joy, not to wait for it to find me."

True words and so touching. Perhaps happiness is easier and more true and constant, joy is fleeting and the goodness you share and give and receive is enough to sustain wonderful happiness. I know times are hard Renee, but feel blessed, let Wahid's strength and your family's as well sustain your heart, as does praying. Much love, xxx

Sarah said...

Love you hon and your out look strengthens me daily!! Do you know how amazing you are girl??
Swan girl sends hugs, Sarah