Monday 24 March 2008

Can't Breathe

I feel sick to my stomach.  I have shivers that are going through to my fingertips and to the bottom of my stomach.

I spotted it when I was out for Easter dinner.  It looks like cancer to me.  It looks like cancer on my skin, but different from the cancer that was on my skin before.  It is on my left side and I only spotted one spot.  It is a fair size though.

I was telling Nadalene that I get the C.T. scan on Tuesday and she asked when I see the doctor because she noticed the spot on my chest.  The shivers went right through to the bottom of my stomach all over again.  As I type, my stomach is in knots.  If she noticed it, it can’t be my imagination.  It has to be real.  I feel sick.

I am so tired of it all.  I can never just have a good day, cancer is always there.  It has its tentacles wrapped around me so tight.  It has to constantly remind me who is boss.  It crowds me in.  It is circling me, circling me.  No wonder I don’t know how to breath.

I don’t know what to do.  I will have my C.T.  I will see the doctor.  But what does this mean?  Is it cancer (I’m sure it is).  Does that mean the Femara isn’t working for me?  Why not?  So many people can be on it for years and years. I want this to work for me.  Am I going to go there and she tells me it is worse or on more organs.

I hate this.

Does this mean more chemo right away.  Is it cancer?  Again, I’m sure it is.  Nadalene said it looked the same as the one I had before on my back.  Of course I’m touching it and I see that there is more than one.  There are about five.

I am just going to go lie down.

Life doesn’t feel worth this constant heartache.  I am a mess.

It is five hours later.  I am still in knots.

When I went to bed Nathan came up and lied in bed with me for about an hour.  We talked and he asked what was wrong.  I told him how I felt.  He really did make me feel better, but then I just dragged myself right back down when he left.  I couldn’t sleep, I tried so hard to be unconscious.  Maybe I just tried too hard.

I wasn’t able to eat supper, I think I have given myself diarrhea.  This is not a game I play often, so I don’t play it very well.

Cancer is such a nightmare.

It is now Monday morning.  I wrote the above yesterday and my emotional condition is unchanged. I feel like I did when I was first diagnosed.  I feel a sense of hopelessness.


angelique said...

Just hold on to hope Mom. That's all we got.

Anonymous said...

remember grenier said there are several other oral medications they can try that may work better. lets hope they find the one that works for you.

Anonymous said...

Breathe Renee. You can do this. I tell myself that everyday. "I can do this" Look outside the snowflakes are dancing for you. Love Donna

Unknown said...

Renee, my heart breaks for you and Wahid, Angelique, Nadalene Nathan & Josepine.

Like Angelique said HOLD ON TO HOPE,


Anonymous said...

Let's get the Prayer Warriors together now please.....
We all love you Renee!

Anonymous said...

i am hopeful for you.
“Dum spiro, spero" (Latin) "While I breath, I hope"

Anonymous said...

hang in there auntie renee...we're all hanging in there right at your side....ben

Deborah said...

Oh my, I do believe that Natalie said it all:

“Dum spiro, spero" (Latin) "While I breathe, I hope"

Renee, while I breathe, I exhale prayers to heaven, every breath a plea to God. I believe as The Little Flower did, that prayers can change the heart of God.