Wednesday 19 March 2008

Day Surrending Into Night Surrending Into Day

I am in a very ugly mood.  Very ugly.

I was going to write about peace and I thought fuck it.  Why should I write about something I know nothing about right now.  I was going to give you all the finger and tell you that with the exception of my immediate family, I hate all of you.  I seriously do, I hate all of you.

How dare you not have cancer?  How dare you be able to live a full life?  How dare you have 30 years on me?  How dare you?  How dare you?  How dare you?  And the triple-dipple how dare you.  How dare you continue to be a mother and a grandmother?  How dare your children get to have you and mine won’t get to have me?

I remember before Josephine was born and Jacquie and Colette would say “‘I am so happy for you.’  ‘This is so wonderful.’  ‘You will love being a grandma so much.’”  What I remember most about that is how I wanted to slap them in the face.

I remember holding out for a blood transfusion so that I could have it before Josephine was born, so that I would be able to have more energy for Angelique and the baby.  Thank God for Nadalene and Don’s Mom because I wasn’t able to help at all.

I remember feeling like such an imposter with that wig sitting on my head.  I couldn’t do anything right.  I took off her hat to see her head and was told to put it back on right away because she would get cold.  I started to talk to her and tell her how beautiful she was and was told not to stimulate her too much.  Here Wahid, you hold her.

I also know that if I didn’t have cancer and I didn’t have a wig on my head, and if I didn’t feel like such an imposter that I would have been the first one to say keep her warm, you can’t stimulate her too much because she is a tiny baby, only 5 lbs 6 oz.  I would have been secure in my grandma-hood.

Journal Entry – July 14, 2007

Josephine’s birth was a really bittersweet time for me.  So happy to have her; so sad that I won’t be here for long to see her grow.  I’m angry, bitter, and envious to almost everyone without exception because I won’t get to see Josephine (whom is so precious to me) grow up.

She will never know who I am.  For her, I believe I will always be someone else’s recollection.  As in – your grandma, etc. etc.  Basically I guess I will be an etc.

I’m feeling very sorry for myself.  Josephine has brought home to me, my future or lack thereof.  I won’t see Nadalene or Nathan or Angelique’s families.  Wahid will be a grandpa with no grandma.

Reading this seems like Josephine has brought this on, which is ridiculous.  It is that my strong love and desire to be with her has made me realize I don’t have all the time.

Because I have not had a love like this in a long time it kinda breaks my heart.  I will enjoy Josephine every second of every minute and every minute of every hour.

---end of journal entry---

Maybe I am just so angry because it is Easter, a special holiday.  Maybe I am just tired because I have been carrying the monster-under-the-bed around all week.  I want to be around for so long.  For pete’s sake, I am the person who always said I wanted to be cloned so I could live forever.

It just came to me that in my faith (Catholic) we are taught that Christ died for us so that we could live forever.  So that we could live in the Kingdom of Heaven with God our Father and be with our families forever.

Wahid, Angelique, Nadalene, Nathan, and sweet Josephine – I love you all every second of every minute and every minute of every hour.   And, I always will….   In this life and the next and the next and the next.


Anonymous said...

renee i understand why you hate us all....i would hate everyone and be very bitter...i hate the fact that you have cancer. i wish i could help you thru this but i know that i can not be as it is a journey only for one.
please feel my arms around you when i can't be there with you.
i am so bitter that i will loose you one day and will not imagine life without you while you are still here with me.
i love you more than words can say.

Anonymous said...

I don't blame you for hating us, I hate us all for the same reasons.

Colette said...

Hi Its DIXIE, need I say more?

angelique said...

sometimes i hate everyone else too.

and sometimes i find many reasons why it should be someone else and no reason why it should be you having to live with cancer.

other times, i wonder if you had to drink and push us around and be an overall bad mother in order to live forever. those miserable people seem to have all the luck sometimes. but they are too miserable to see it that way, maybe that's why they get to stick around.


Anonymous said...

Renee I hate the fact that their are horrible people walking the earth and wonderful loving people are taken from their families. I know you hate me and I also know you love me. I pray everyday that God will let you be the miracle. I love you so much.

Unknown said...

Renee, I pray everyday that God will find a cure for this horrific diease, a miracle for you. I do not blame you either for hating us,as I would feel the same way too. I really hope you realize how much I love you and wish there was something I could do for you, I admire you Renee you are such a strong, wonderful, and kind sister.
I will just have to pray harder, love you, Suzie

Anonymous said...

This is soooo sad Renee. There are no words I could say to comfort you. You have so much to give your Josephine. How I wish you could be here to watch her grow, like I have with mine. I do wish I could take your place so you could stay. I LOVE YOU RENEE

Deanna said...

Anger is allowed. You have every right to be as angry as you are. I'm angry for you too.

Chin up girl.


Deborah said...

Oh Renee, you will live forever...forever in your brilliant, clever words,though that is NOT will never be an etc. You. Are. Renee. The. Beloved.