Carrying On

It has been six months today since my Mom died. Funny (or not so funny) thing though, it feels like an eternity. It feels like a lifetime ago. It feels so long ago that I had my Mom around to visit and talk with. It's almost like she was just a most wonderful dream and I never really had her at all. It is a terrible feeling to think this way but sometimes I wonder if my brain is doing this to just make things easier. I hope to fast forward to a time when I can think of my Mom and smile at the memories that seemed just like yesterday. I hope I can get to a place where I can close my eyes and and see her or talk to her without it seeming like a forced one way connection. I do hope that I can close my eyes and feel her cheek when she would kiss me goodbye and I could smile instead of cry.

Anyway, I never thought I would still be writing on this blog. I would never want it to turn into one long lament for my Mom or my families loss. I had planned to say a few last words and I guess I had more to say than I thought. But I really think I have stuck around because of all of you who have shared your stories and your blessings. Truthfully (and I never thought that I might feel this way), I have been the most comforted by all of your comments. I have still not had a chance to re-read them as I had hoped to do but I could never thank you all enough for taking the time to share a bit of yourself and your story and help me in such innumerable ways. I don't know if it's because those around me have also lossed my Mom in their life or if others don't know what to say, but I will always look back at this blog for your words of wisdom, strength and comfort.

Anyway, I am not quite finished with this blog yet but I did want to post 'Desiderata' in memory of Mom. She often read it to us, she had a poster of it in the basement and it was the only reading she requested as a must at her funeral. I remember her telling me that she came across it when she was about 15 or 16 years old in a record shop and it struck her so deeply and evidently, it was important to her her whole life.

Desiderata (by Max Ehrmann)

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly

and listen to others,

even the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,

they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain and bitter;

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs;

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals;

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially, do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love;

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be,

and whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life

keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

On Second Thought...

Well, maybe it's not fair. Life may be great but it isn't always fair. Let me tell you a story about someone I know.

Without sounding too cliche, my Auntie Jacquie is truly one of the most wonderful people you could ever meet. She is a remarkable person with a highly infectious laugh. She has gotten by through life by sharing much love, generosity and kindness with others. There is not one thing bad that I can even associate with her and again, I truly mean that. She has always been close with my Mom and my family. She has stood in the sidelines as another one of our cheerleaders and she has been one of our 'go to' pillars of support. Whenever we needed a ride she was there. Whenever we were down, she was there with her infamous Caesar salad to cheer us up. Whatever we needed, big or small, she was there. She was there without us even having to ask.

When my Mom was diagnosed with cancer, my Auntie Jacquie (A. J. as she is so affectionately called) came over every day. Even on those days that my Mom said to go away, she was there to make sure she didn't need anything. She took off work on stress leave and took care of my Mom. She was not only my Mom's comfort, she was ours too. She shuttled my Mom back and forth between her appointments. She took care of her when she was ill. She came over with any kind of beverage that she could find when my Mom needed to drink something after her many rounds of chemo and nothing appealed to her. She was there to pick my Mom up and make her walk down the street, even in her pajamas, just so she could get a little exercise.

And now...

Just a little over a year now, our A. J. was starting to feel shaking and numbness in her legs. She went for some scans, the doctors said things in her brain looked ok. It must be something else. She continued to feel the unnerving sensations till she woke in the middle of the night with absolutely no feeling or movement in her left side. She was rushed to the hospital and diagnosed with a brain tumor. The doctors operated on her brain and removed what they could. Most likely, she will not walk again they said. Most likely, this tumor will take over and she may have up to a year to survive.

At the same time, her 25 year old son Sheldon was in another hospital with what was believed to be a very curable form of lymphoma. They were wrong and Sheldon was operated on for over 12 hours. He had a stomach/esophageal sarcoma of some rare sort.

Sheldon and his mom were operated on at the same time. A few weeks later, they were able to be in the same hospital. Sheldon died two months later.

Somehow, A. J. has managed to carry on. She has managed to stay positive, interested in others and she has kept her strength. She is unable to walk and she remains in either a chair or her bed. She needs to rely on someone for everything that she needs. Her life was turned upside down and backwards. A few months later, she lost her mother. A month later, my Mom died; her sister and her best friend. Somehow, she has still managed to carry on. She worked on completing her goal of walking again. She walked 80 steps. She has moved and has been using her arm.

Till now,

Now we are back in the slumps of the dumps. All progress has been regressed. She has been losing feeling and movement in her left hand and her shoulder. Her arm drops and it is dead weight that causes an awful lot of pain that coincides with the pain and nausea of her chemo meds.

Now we are back to the fearful anxious mode we were hoping to have a reprieve from. Our hairs stand straight up but we slump from the stress and the sorrow of it all. How terribly sad I feel for my Auntie Jacquie. How hard this road has been for her, how much more for her bear?

More Fair

Happy Birthday Little Lover and A. J.

Today is Little Lover's (otherwise known as Mr. Mischief or Domenicky) birthday. He turned one years old today. Woohoo! He is amazing and he is more like his Grandma than I thought he would be. She would be nibbling on his toes and kissing him all over if she could and I bet she would be telling us how much he looks like her.

It is also my Auntie Jacquie's birthday today. I hope it was as good as it could be without her son, mother and sister there to give her lots of hugs and kisses. She is also truly amazing. I don't know if I will ever again see such strength, love and determination from one individual. You are unbelievable A. J. and we love you to the moon and back.

The Anniversary

Here is a picture of my parents at their wedding social. Today would have marked their 35th wedding anniversary. I have been slightly dreading this day and I wasn't really sure how hard it would be on my Dad. I asked him a few days ago what he was going to do and he said he was going to go to his 'Dearest's' graveside.

After all the lead up of anticipation, I completely forgot about it. I blame it on the fact that I haven't looked at a calendar in a while but I feel terrible that I didn't call my Dad sooner. I called around 9:30 pm. and Nathan said he was sleeping on the couch. He had made his special fried chicken (my Mom's favourite) and Nathan had bought a cake for the two of them (without even knowing it was their anniversary...I assume my Dad didn't want to make it a big deal). But it is, and I hope his day was ok. I still feel terrible and I can't help but think that if my Mom was alive and he was sleeping on the couch on their anniversary it wouldn't have been such a big deal. Now, it's different.

I have attached a link of the post that my Mom had written about her wedding day. I hope you are all doing wonderful.

Much love and thanks,

Angelique

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2009/07/happy-anniversary-no-2.html

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2008/07/happy-anniversary.html

Happy Birthday Josephine

I don't want to dwell on the fact that my Mom is not here for Josephine's birthday but I am still at that point where life has been passing me like that of the lone traveller. I am doing the best to enjoy myself and my family but there is nothing that compared to sharing it with my Mom. She was the life of the party and her energy was so great. I could just imagine her enthusiasm tonight. She had already ordered Josephine's birthday present months ago and had bought some fairy games to play at her party. I am trying to bring myself to taking them out when she has her little cousins over to celebrate in a couple of weeks.

Happy Birthday Josephine. What an honour it is to be your Mom.

*Artwork titled 'Forget Me Not' by my Mom's dear friend Bella Sinclair. Everytime I look at this picture I am overjoyed because it is just a perfect representation of my Mom with my kids but is also bittersweet that they won't grow with her and her with them.

If Only it Could Have Been, It Would Have Been

If only things could be as we think they should have been. If so, we could be celebrating Sheldon's birthday with him today as he would be turning 26 years old today. We were so lucky to have been graced with him in our lives. You could only imagine his great laugh that made us laugh; his quick wit that always got us going and that secretly impressed the hell out of us. His charm and super sweetness made him all the more lovable. He was always a good listener, always without judgement. Sheldon had amazing strength in his last days that he supported those of us around him that couldn't grasp losing him. He told us he was ok and that he accepted his fate.

In honour of Sheldon, we gathered at his gravesite and toasted this wonderful person who is so deeply missed in our lives.

Cheers to you Sheldon. Thank you for all the love and laughter you brought us. Thank you for inspiring us and giving us the strength and courage to live our lives to the fullest.

As my Mom would say, 'Thank you for the pleasure Sheldon. We love you oh so much.'

(I am hoping she already told you that today : )