Thursday, 1 May 2008

Worship At The Altar Of Suffering

My two years of torture are supposed to be over.  I don’t understand why I am still being tortured.  Albeit is a different form and to me, not as horrible as the first type, it is still torture and it is still terrible.

My knees are grumbling, my elbows are growling and my feet are screaming.  There are no words for how my shoulders feel.  My throbbing, complaining body reminds me everyday of what my situation is.

Camille (my sister) has severe arthritis and never complains.  I have complained more in the last two years than she has complained in the last twenty.  Am I lacking some core strength that she has and I don’t?  It is impossible for me not to complain.  Impossible.

I cannot string two sentences together without including this as one of them.  My shoulders are killing me, my feet, my knees, my head.  You get the drift.  This is my language now.  The pathetic part of me feels I need to let people know that I am suffering.  Even though I find it abhorrent, I no longer know what to do without people’s pity.

For all of my worship at the altar of suffering and however done I am with it.  In some ways I don’t know how to turn my mind from it.  I have forgotten how to bring other elements of me back into myself.  I need to remind myself of who I am.  Or at the very minimum, that I am something more than that cringing body tied to the stake on the altar of suffering.

But maybe that is all I am now and that is what I have to accept.

Dealing with pain and illness is no easy feat.  It is a conscious choice everyday to make the best of your life.  Yes, it is easier said than done.

My family helps me so much and I am so grateful for all their care.  I love you Wahid, Angelique, Nadalene and Nathan.  Angelique thank you so much for my little flower (Josephine).

“Just living is not enough,” said the butterfly,
“one must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower.”
(Hans Christian Anderson)


angelique said...

I never hear you complain. You might complain to yourself and that feels too much for you, but you are always sparing us the details. If you are in pain, who cares if you tell us. You should.

Mickey said...

Renee you are so much more than this cancer. Your spirit is incredible and I am amazed that you don't complain more I don't hear you complain in fact you always seem to be asking how everyone else is. You are so caring and compassionate. Really you are.

Camille said...

My dear sister I agree with Mickey you are always asking how I am. And it's okay to share when you have pain. I never here you complaining, just the wonderful conversations we share. I really do say when I'm in pain. But that's not complaining. Lov u & looking forward to our time together.

Donna said...

I am coming up to Canada this summer and would love to gift you a massage. I am a Hawaiian Lomi Lomi therapist and it will just feel good to have your feet massaged along with your aching body and I would feel blessed. I so love and admire your courage. You are an inspiration to me and we don't even know each other, or do we?
Much love,

Renee said...


I don't know how to reply to you except through this blog.

I think we must know each other Donna. As a matter of fact, I believe we do.

After all, you just told me things you knew would make me feel better.

I am going to take you up on the massage. I will now check out what lomi lomi is.

By the way Donna, I am sure that you just made all my family members who read this feel better too.

Love Renee

Shelly said...

Your pain is my pain .... mmm Hawaiian Lomi Lomi therapist ... your massage should be my massage ... there are Angels amoung us and I can't wait to meet one! Mahalo Donna

Ben said...

i feel guilty to admit this, but i like to hear you complain. it makes me feel better to know how your feeling, and what your going through....i love hearing the good stories, seeing you laugh and smile....but i like to hear about the bad just as not sure why that is, but its true!! i love you no matter what!!

Elizabeth said...

Complain? You, complain?
Are you kidding me?
Most people would be wearing a black veil with a matching armband, wailing into a microphone if they were you.
Give everyone a pain status report every hour on the hour if that's what you need to do.The least we can do is listen.
It seems to me that rather than being about pity, isn't it about not being completely alone with your pain? It's not bad enough you have to live through it, you're supposed to keep it quiet too?
No one should suffer in silence, least of all you.
What's the point of having the relationships you have, if you can't be honest with people about what you're feeling?
Frankly, you should win a Tony award for your positive attitude.

Elizabeth said...

PS I love you, and you still light up a room like nobody else.

Anonymous said...

You are the bestest ever! I wish you were able to spread your pain because I know we would all take a piece for you. Anything to help you Renee, the least we can do is listen. I love your blog. I cry, I laugh! I feel more in tune with you and your fight!I know you can win and the pain will be nothing more than a memory. I would love to hear you complain!!!! I've been practicing on how to be a good listener. 250.505.8143xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxooxoxoxooxo
Peace and love!!!xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Ms. MacD said...

I love this post Renee, and all of the comments to it.

It is so honest.

As I'm sitting here reading your blog the East Coast Music Awards summary show is playing in the back ground. My favourite performer (Lennie Gallant)just came on and is singing this song...
Peter's Dream
"Last night I dreamed that I was sailing, out on the sea of Galilee. I cast my nets out on the water and Jesus pulled them in with me."

Just wanted to share that with you.

Also, Pema has this for you...

sheikamaniac said...

I have a friend that I recently helped get a compassionate use treatment with DAVANAT. I have no idea of your condition but this stuff works and works really fast. She was the second Breast cancer patient to take the combination and I honestly think miracle is too conservative of a word to use to charaterize the turnaround in her moral and quality of life. She went from 4mg of Delodid ever couple of hours to Advil in 5 days to nothing for the pain. Her PETscan is scheduled in early June so we don't know how much we beat the disease back. I will not be suprised to see remission. Before DAVANAT she failed all therapies due to the toxic side effects.

Here is a link to the company that mfg the drug. pro-pharmaceuticals It is not approved but you would likely qualify for compassionate use. There is another person in Canada trying to get this for her condition.

I save the best for last. There are zero side effects with this chemo. I know that is hard to believe but it doesn't impact your bloodwork b/c DAVANAT is a targetting mechanism.

If you want to contact me - google my name.

Mike Sheikh

Renee said...


Thank you so much for this valuable information. I will now be looking up the company and finding out more about the drug. This will be passed on to others as well.

Thank you again for caring enough about someone to comment.

God Bless.