Tuesday, 15 September 2009

Grateful No. 3


















Well you will all be happy to know that I have dumped guilt. We started dating last week and he was a fucking leech around my neck. I have never known him before and for a few minutes he felt good. Here is hoping to God that I never see him again.

Life is strange isn’t it? I am finding that more and more it is hard to understand what happens in a life. As much as I try to untangle things more knots get added to the rope.

One day I may have time to untangle these knots and be able to look at the rope laid out in a perfect line in front of me, maybe one day. Maybe one day I will make sense of what is going on. And then again maybe I won’t.

How tired I was when I wrote my last post. How sorry I felt for myself. How warped my thoughts were and how I see so differently in just a few days. Since telling Angelique that I was dropping that leech off of my neck by the end of Monday and making sure that I did just that. Well the light in the room is so different.

Nobody knows what life will bring and nobody can stop bad things happening to good people. What I need to remember is that good things will happen too. I need to remember that bad things do not need to cancel out good things. They can if we let them, but they certainly don’t need too.

Thanks for the love everyone. I am glad to know that you all inhabit this space with me.

Love Renee xoxoxo

*artwork by Kelly Vivanco

81 comments:

Marie S said...

Oh thank you for the laugh my pretty. He is definitely a leech, sucks the life right out of me!! LOL!!
I love you my sweet pretty!!!

Baino said...

Good to see you perking up a bit. There must be something to smile about through this horror. Your daughters sound like wonderful girls frankly. We're lucky you and I to have such amazing children. (Can hardly call them children these days).They're a blessing and often the voice of reason when we get in a funk - well mine certainly are anyway!

Deborah said...

Oh Lovee, I am honored to inhabit this space with you. You and your family have already made me want to be a better person. You truly have changed my heart...part of it is in Iraq...part of it is in Canada...Regarding Milo; then it was humping you were not up to, but you are up to making out?
Love, Deb

Angela Recada said...

I am glad you inhabit the same space with me, too, dear wise warrior and friend.

Love you,
xoxoxo
Angela

karengberger said...

Thank you for this update - I'm so glad that you are feeling better. Guilt is crappy companion! And you are right about all that you said; no one can control what happens, but the bad doesn't have to cancel out the good. It's a mystery, how they can be side-by-side, but there it is; they are.
XOXO

Caio Fernandes said...

i understand less and less , and i am proud of this !!hahahh!!!
i am happy with your atitude Renee !!

Jaliya said...

Guilt: Good Fucking Riddance (GFR)!

Renee ... No wonder you feel so much -- you're fighting and mourning and LOVING and dumping guilt and praying and knotting and unknotting and wondering and sensing and surviving ...

You are so loved and surrounded by hands and souls transmitting love, courage and presence ...

Kelly Lish said...

I'm happy for you Renee...You are such a strong soul.

Lola said...

Yuck, good for you, hate leeches. Guilt-inducing leeches are the worst.

E. is loving preschool! I feel so fortunate. He is a blessing. Sometimes I date that scumbag leech myself and feel I'm not there enough for my son, work pulling me away from precious playtime.

I'm so lucky to inhabit your same space, darling. The light IS different, it's brighter today. Thank you for that and the marvelous words over at my place.

Lola who adores you

Draffin Bears said...

Dear sweet Renee,

I am so happy for you that your results are stable, the best news for you!
Your positive attitude is amazing and glad that the guilt has gone.

Hugs and best wishes for you all.
Carolyn xo

Michelle said...

Good! That guilt dude sucks, as someone a lot younger than me would say......you have better things to spend your energy on than that fucker!

xxx

Sarah said...

I am glad you have dumped him. I love being in your space. Take care lovely Renee. xx

lakeviewer said...

Guilt is that odd cousin that comes along for the ride, forgetting to bring a dish to the picnic. We can do without that ininvited guest, that leech of cousin.

Pattee said...

I love you and love inhabiting this place and in the world with you.

Yesterdays post stunned me... I was so so so pleased & happy of your stable bones...and yet your sister, and nephew....

I too would have felt guilt. I think that is a natural feeling to arise. But I'm so glad your daughters and son, and your lovely family and friends supported you.

But I still understand.

(I do have to say that picture of the little dog made me smile)

YEA! Kick guilt to the curb!!!

Guilt just lives "rent free" in our minds and sucks...

Life plays out like life plays out... not always the way we would like it too.... but it is....

Love to you and all of yours...
Pattee

Karin Bartimole said...

Amen!! A leech is the perfect metaphor for that beastly creature guilt :) I love what you've said here, and totally agree that good cannot be cancelled out by bad, and perhaps the ideal is to not judge either as such, but know that they simply are - as a part of the weave of this whacky thing called life. Exhaustion certainly isn't helpful either! Here's wishing you restorative rest, and the knowledge that I along with the many here, are with you, love you, and will be happy to slay any leaches that dare to creep your way again - just say the word!! xox Karin

Dawn said...

There you go Renee, getting rid of that leech has done wonders for you. Glad you exorcised it :-)
You are the greatest...love your optimism and spirit, LOVE your family, all of them and pray every day xxxx and hey to be a part of your space is an HONOR! LOVE YOU DARLING XXX

The Things We Carried said...

I am beginning to think we will never know for sure why things happen as they do. I also find there are so many lovely things I would miss if I get stuck in the questions of what could have been.

Glad I found your blog, or you found mine!

secret agent woman said...

Ah yes, exactly. ANd I'm glad ot be in this space with you. (Besides, when I read that you were dating Guilt, I felt a little jealous.)

Marion said...

Good for you! Renee-1 Guilt-0

You are loved!!! Blessings, dear friend of my heart...

Grammy said...

You need to just decide what you want in a person and look for people who fit the profile. As we some times attract leaches. I know life is not easy that is why I stay where I am. Things could be way worse. But I have programed myself to be happy no matter what. As I am lonely but I now occupy my time with art and my family . I would not know where to begin to shop for a diffrent hubby. As we have been together over 32years.
I send you my best wishes. Wish I had the answers too. I am better at helping others than my self.

nollyposh said...

~Amen~ beautiful bloggy friend xox

Annie said...

Lovely post. We all need to remember your wise words. Love and hugs. xoxo

nollyposh said...

(Ps) i have a link for you Renee:
http://www.emergingearthangels.com/2009/wings9.15.2009.html
...if the info seems all just a little "Out there" then just don't engage with it, but i have always found this lady to be amazingly insightful and helpful when things fall down around my ears, Love to you bloggy friend xox

Mim said...

Glad you wrote this and that you got rid of that slimy date guy. Thinking of you and Sheldon and you mom.

Jen said...

Bravo, Renee! Joe says I feel guilt for everything, and that I shouldn't. I get it. Boy does it feel good when you let it go!!!

rochambeau said...

Yup, I love you!
Yes, the good stuff will come~

You are the best for expressing in your last post, what it is we ALL feel but are unable to say.

Thank you!
You are a shining STAR!

Love,
Constance

Manon Doyle said...

You are so strong Renee!!
I'm so out of the loop here in la la land!!
So very happy you're stable!!! Yay!! Love the attitude girlfriend!!

love u
xoxox

Sarah said...

Whoo hoo..I am stomping on that fat ole leach!!! Good for you hon and honestly you had every right to date for a bit and then let him wriggle off somewhere else!! I love you hon...be happy and breathe!
Love you bunches, Sarah

glorv1 said...

Just stopped by to say hello. Have a great Wednesday. Take care.

kj said...

# 9 and 3/4, you and i are going to be next to the public beach on blogland lane. middle did a map and we have to choose the plot locations. i've handled the details unless you don't like my choice. you are tucked in between laurel and me and sweet mango is one house away. this is just FYI. i plan to make hot biscuits on most sunday mornings. the smell alone will have you running to my kitchen door....

xoxoxo

Dede said...

I am so proud of you! I know that my aunt would be too. A very wise lady you are!
(((HUGS)))

Great-Granny Grandma said...

I loved reading this post, and am so glad you decided to dump Guilt.

Christina said...

: ) Smiling! You are beautiful.
xo

Rob-bear said...

No straight lines make up my life;
And all my roads have bends;
There's no clear-cut beginnings;
And so far no dead-ends.

-- Harry Chapin, from
"All My Life's a Circle."

In the uncertainties of life, the last things we need is guilt. Remember, you've been doing the best you can under the circumstances.

Sophia said...

Renee...this post SO spoke to me tonight. (tears)

"Life is strange isn’t it? I am finding that more and more it is hard to understand what happens in a life." <<--- that is SO me!

I am totally struggling with WHEN good things will happen for me. Every time I think I have a good thing in the palm of my hands...my heart is broken once again. =/

Thank you for being brave enough to write this post. You are truly inpsiring to me.

Bella Sinclair said...

Oh, look. The bird has landed.

I love you, Renee.

Elizabeth said...

Thank God you kicked that no-good guy out. And don't you let me back in when he comes whining...

Poetic Artist said...

The news of you is good..Guilt what a terrible word. Yes throw it out..Yes I should take my own advise. LOL.
Katelen

Björnik said...

Dear Renee! I'm glad that you are once again the strong and cheerful Renee that I know! I'm also happy to have known you and share this space with you too.

By the way, good things happen to good people. Expect something good to arrive this week!;)

Silver said...

"Nobody knows what life will bring and nobody can stop bad things happening to good people. What I need to remember is that good things will happen too."

i believe it too. And hope is a good thing.

~Silver

Marie said...

Glad to see you are feeling a bit better about things Renee. I never know what to say when you are down. All I can do and what I do then is to lift you up in prayer. I love the artwork you use on your posts. It's very beautiful.

Mariana Soffer said...

Guilt it is good for nothing, well done getting rid of it.

Perfect description about how the complexity of life grows as time passes. You do not realize but you end up with tons of knots. Not even the math can untangle them.

I agree that the way we look at things can change extremely quickly.

When I am going trough bad times in my life I try to remember the following:
1. This too shall pass
2. Do one thing I enjoy.every day, that makes me feel better at least for 15 minutes.


We all inhabit the same space, but we also suffer and have times when we do not know which way we are suposed to go because we get entangled along with the knots.

Send you a big hugh my friend.

A Cuban In London said...

What a beautiful post. Life is all about balance. Today in the morning I was thinking of that. I was thinking of teenagers and how rebellious or conservative they can be, extremes of the same personality before they find their own stasis.

Many thanks for such an honest post.

Greetings from London.

Rikkij said...

Renee-more and more I am convinced we should not attempt thoughts while over tired. Have I mentioned I now have not slept in five days. Seriously! Prayers accepted. take care~rick

MBNAD woman said...

I'm so glad that Mr Leech has buggered off. Blame and guilt deserve each other but you don't deserve either of them.

To make you smile: we had two, fairly senior, miseries in the office who we called "Bitter" and "Twisted". At a Christmas party, one of the juniors had a little drop too much to drink. She reeled up to one of these chaps and slurred "Hi, I'm so sorry but I can't remember your name. Are you Bitter or Twisted?"

Guilt, Blame, Bitter and Twisted can go and make themselves miserable. We're a chirpy bunch and don't need them around.

Mad x

Meghann LittleStudio said...

What a perfect description of guilt - a leech that sucks the life out of you. I am glad you are done with it.
I am so very sorry your world is so turbulent right now. I wish I could take it all away. You are right that though bad things happen, good ones do also. You are a light for so many people.
Keep fighting, we're all here with you.
Hugs and prayers,
Meghann and Arwen

yoborobo said...

You were dating Guilt? That SOB, he said we were in an exclusive relationship! Damn. I'm dumping him, too.

Life doesn't seem to make one nit's worth of sense to me. I feel like an amoeba trying to understand a tree. It's outside my scope. :) But that doesn't mean we can't enjoy the pieces that are good. You are my hero, Renee. Much love to you and your wonderful family. xoxo Pam

Anonymous said...

I can not express how much I love and think of you and your family Renee...
I am happy for you and both sad for the things that are going on. No, we can't explain life, but we should be able to laugh, cry, and never have to explain either.
Prayers to you.
Take care
Tracie

Clarity said...

Dear Renee, glad you moved forward so quickly, guilt is an indulgent pain that drags down.

I say go back to your first love - Wahid, first, geddit?

You are strong but sometimes these thoughts can sap us without realising why. Let him feed you his thoughts, maybe the increased sharing of his beliefs, his strengths can help unravel the knots for you, one by one.

I am also praying for your friend along with your family, Peace, Love, xxx.

LDWatkins said...

Your smile lights up all of us!

Caroline said...

So nice to see the positive side of Renee resurfacing. Good for you - beating those demons - enjoy your own good health. x

Nina P. said...

Guilt is such a stifling emotion. It prevents us from so many things. I'm so glad you shed the guilt and embraced the Light in You. Sharing your Joy in your report. Celebrating the Light of Hope that is there. you are truly an amazing soul. Such strength and courage you have. You are a Blessing to all those you meet. May God Bless you with His Healing Power and Grace, may you gain Strength from the Light and may your Spirit be lifted on angels wings as you follow the Rainbow of Hope to the True Peace and Promise it brings. Love and Light, Nina P.

miruspeg said...

Renee, I love the way you express your emotions through words.

And what a difference a day makes.

I had some very sad feelings come over me a day or two ago but luckily I remembered to ask my Angels for some light and they sent me a rainbow....pure gold.

Namaste
Peggy xxxxx

kj said...

i didn't leave a comment about this post?

renee, be sad, be happy, be lost, be found, be who you are and how you feel, because there is not a more authentic person in the wide world than you. you must wonder how you manage to cope at all sometimes.

and yet....that spirit of yours. it's the wind for your sails.

i love you madly, moon sister...

Debra said...

I am glad to find you in better spirits. So much pain and sadness around you. I am happy you have chosen to not let it rob you of the little happiness and good news that has come your way. I too have been in a funk, now I must find my way out. I will keep Sheldon and Jacquie in my constant prayers for a cure, and freedom from pain and suffering. May your health continue to exceed expectations. The time you have had and continue to have with your family is more precious than gold. This time together however spent was not a waste, never that. You were together, which was the real value regardless of the reason. Today on the radio (I listen to Coast to Coast am in the wee hours of the morning) I heard a man speak about his new book. I am intrigued and can't wait to read it.Spontaneous Evolution: Our Positive Future (and a Way to Get There from Here)it raises the question of what is really important in this time here.

Artistic Accents by Darla said...

Much love and hugs to you Renee! Glad the guilt bastid is gone!!
Love, Darla

studio lolo said...

I knew all along he wasn't your type ;)

I love you!

xoxo
Lolo

Oops! Desperate Blogger~ said...

Good bye Mr. Guilt. The crooked road that we all walk on makes no sense sometimes, but when the log of guilt blocks the path...one must simply find the strength to lift it! Thank you for sharing all your journeys... triumphant and well, not so hot. Feeling so lucky to rub cyber elbows with you!
XO
Cindy

Anonymous said...

Glad to hear you dumped Guilt. Your family really are amazing. Bless your dear children and your family.
Blessings, Barb.

Taylor said...

i wrote you a card.
i look forward to seeing you next so you can have it!

love you.
Taylor

Miss Becky said...

oh, Renee, I am so happy to read your current post. When I read the one about the guilt I just didn't know what to write, so I left no comment. It is so very understandable that you would go there, invite the leech in and sit down for a chat, but it seems you got no farther than the kitchen table, so that is a healthy date. Above all else is self-care. We must strive to embrace self-care, because that is ultimately what keeps us going, and in this thing call "life" together. Have a beautiful day!

yoborobo said...

Renee - Oh, yeah, he'll need more than that. LOL!! I am laughing so hard. You are so funny. hahaha! xoxoxoxo Pam

~Babs said...

Atta girl!

"for now, we see through a glass darkly.
But then; face to face. Now I know in parts; but then I shall know, even as I am known."

Thanks for the light Renee, and another beautiful work of art by Kelly.

mermaid said...

Love hearing your thought process. Guilt is a fucking leech, and I am so glad we let it go when we can. We do see things differently thereafter.

rochambeau said...

Dropping by with a hug for you mon cher!

Love,
Constance

mick said...

deepest love my friend... thinking of you all the time.. xoxoxo

Daria said...

Hope you are enjoying the nice weather we are ...

Sonia ;) said...

Lovey...

Im glad you dumped that pain...we all carry the load at sometime...been there done and did that...

Love you Lovey...Hug Jacquie amd kiss Sheldon for me...How are they?

xoxoxox

Alicia @ boylerpf said...

I was laughing at your date with guilt and so glad that you dropped him! He really isn't a nice guy..he seems to bring everybody down. So glad you know that there is good even with the evil that can happen. Good does win out in the end...it keeps us all going for that hope that it will.

Silke said...

Oh, so well put about the guilty leech! I seem to be dealing with him daily (that good Catholic upbringing) and with the most stupid stuff. Guilt truly is a waste to time! You are so beautiful, Renee, in how you handle your life and how you relate to your family. I am in awe! And so happy your results are stable! Sending much, much love!! Silke

kj said...

i got out of the shower just now and i remembered i love you!

Debbie said...

I don't like guilt either! He must be quite the unpopular guy.

kathy hare said...

Yesterday at 5.59 I sent you a message not realising I was logged into my partner Mick's account.. :) he said to let you know that he sends his love too..
xoxoxo

Julie Fillo said...

Renee,
Just when I think you can't be any more stalwart, you are.
Thank goodness for beautiful loving daughters who make us think about what is really important.

Kate James said...

Good for you Renee. I'm thinking of you all...Sheldon especially but hope your mom is doing ok. I love the image you paint of her here - a passionate woman who's family means everything to her. Just like you.
xoxo

LaWatha said...

I'm so glad you dumped that nasty leech. He has no business in your life. Be rid of him forever, Renee.
XOX -

Woman in a Window said...

Bad things do not cancel out good things. You've so many people here and at home who love you, Renee. It might just be all the energy bolstering you. Whatever has you seeing things in a better light, I hope it keeps shining on you. And a bunch to your family too.
xo
erin

Ingrid Mida said...

Someone once said "life is an illusion". It often seems like nothing makes sense. Stay strong my friend and squeeze out any joy that comes your way. Lots of love and hugs.

KateW said...

So true, and so very well stated. Keep it up Renee. I don't often get a chance to comment, but I check out your thoughts and beautiful writing whenever I can.
You are giving help to many people on how to understand life. Bless you.

The pale observer said...

Excellent and inspiring post!! Guilt is an asshole really.

Great blog. I am your newest follower and fan! :)

Holli in Ghana

BT said...

I am so pleased you are feeling more positive and have dumped that dreadful leech. I always hated him. Loving thoughts to you dear Renee.