Tuesday, 8 September 2009


I have discovered how to get rid of scanxiety from CT scans and bone scans. I do not recommend it however.

I had my CT scans and bone scans last week and even though I had to wait to be poked a number of times as the usual was happening (not finding veins), I barely noticed. I sat in the chair with a big board going across me like a highchair for adults and just let them poke and poke while I stared into space.

I know my results will be coming up soon and I haven’t even checked the date, which I better do, as I don’t want to miss the appointment.

If I said it didn’t matter to me what the results are; I would be lying. It just is now it seems more like ‘whatever’. And yet in the same breath that is not true either.

I want to be stable of course, of course I do. It is just that I don’t want Sheldon to have cancer, Jacquie either, but Sheldon even more.

So it seems that to get rid of scanxiety one has to be so worried about someone else that they forget about themselves. I don’t recommend it.


Jenny S said...

My mom goes through the same thing with her veins. Her Dr told her it is because she is slightly dehydrated almost all the time. Try drinking LOTS of water on the mornings before you go in. It has really helped mom with her blood draws!! Hope all your tests come back okay!!!

Arija said...

Not worried dear one...no. When one truly loves another unconditionally, it is well to be concerned, even deeply concerned NOT worried.
Worry is a negative, non-productive emotion that helps neither party and harms the worrier.
Whenever worry thoughts surface, replace them with love aimed at the greatest good of all concerned. Thus you will be helping everyone's healing.

Anonymous said...

:o( I don´t want You all to have this unfair cancer in You :O( at all. Just take care of you dearest Renee and Jaquie and Sheldon, Kristina

pinkglitterfae said...

you know Renee you really hit on something important. It is said that the best way to get out of your own pain/problems, is to focus on trying to help someone else during their pain. I'm glad you have each other to lean on. (I'm still praying for some miracles to come your way though..)

Marion said...

I have hide and seek veins, too, Renee! I dread blood tests. Sending you big hugs and love and prayers for great results from your scan. God Bless You!!!

Deborah said...

I love you, Renee. True spirit love where my heart crossed cyber space and found this other place to reside that felt like home. God is God, and we are not. I want you to be stable, Renee. I want you to be blessed with many more years. I want that for Sheldon and Jacquie, but there are times when we must conform our heart to the Will of God even though we do not understand why He does not hand out miracles every time they are needed. All we can do is love. And I love you all with the purest, truest, white love. Deb

Breeze said...

all is possible but what you think about is more possible so think positively. You will be fine.


Ces said...

Worry never solves anything. I know. I am an expert worrier. I am the queen of worry. Slowly I have learned to pray and call upon my angels in heaven for guidance and my angels on earth for strength.

I am serious. I tell the truth on this. I have angels on earth. They try to camouflage themselves but when my mind is totally clear, I can see their wings peeking through!

Yes, there are angels, alas there are also devils or devil's advocates. Beware - their smiles, voices and words are the same!

Nothing comes easy.

Diana Evans said...

oh bless your heart Renee....It is sad to have to worry about others when you're going through the same things.....I wish I could make miracles happen and send hope your way each and every day....


yoborobo said...

I don't want any of you to have cancer. I want it to get blown to hell and leave you all alone.
It's hard to know what to say, Renee. I send my love to Sheldon, and my prayers to you all. xoxo Pam

Anonymous said...

I know that when my mum underwent quadruple heart bypass, the scent of the bunches of jasmin flowers I brought her every morning made her feel better that much faster. I send you fresh jasmins in bunches to perfume your day and revive your soul.
Hugs to you

karengberger said...

It makes perfect sense, but it stinks. I am so sorry that you have such a level of stress and anxiety in your life. As if one family member with cancer isn't more than enough!
The way you live your life reminds me of this quote:
"Without expectation, do something for love itself, not for what you
may receive. Love in action is what gives us grace. We have been
created for greater things - - to love and to be loved. Love is
love - - to love a person without any conditions, without any
expectations. Small things, done in great love, bring joy and
peace." - Mother Theresa
You do so many things in great love each day; I pray that peace will also be yours.

Sassy Scribbles said...

'Just don't over worry, I'm sure Jacquie and Sheldon doesn't want you to do that!

Lori ann said...

hold my hand, i'm going with you, i'll point out everything beautiful there is to see and hear, and give your weary mind and soul a place to rest. and be.

and cancer is not allowed.

Sonia ;) said...

I remember my Dad sitting in that chair. He had what the old timers called rolling veins. They would poke and prod, every time hurting more than the last. I would stand in front of him make faces, he would crack jokes on the nurses to distract. But I knew it hurt...Hurts more and more each time I go get blood drawn. With all the technology in the world..Why cant there be a easier way to get blood....

I hate anyone goes through awful plaque of a disease...has no prejudice to anyone.

Kiss Sheldon on the forehead and tell him to be strong..I walk with him through thoughts and prayers.

I love ya Lovey xoxox

Artistic Accents by Darla said...

Wish I could help and I will continue to keep you all in my prayers. Praying for great results for you♥
Love, Darla

studio lolo said...

That makes perfect sense to me.
The universe sure is screwed up sometimes.

hugs to all of you. Praying for good results Raven Sister!


Anonymous said...

Lover Lover Lover,
Please always remember you are never never alone in this battle, I am sure your results are going to come back as stable,I will of course keep saying prayers for all of you,I love you all so much!!!

F...Off cancer we have had enough!!!

Suzie xoxo

Two Mile Creek Primitives said...

I can understand what you are feeling. ( that seems shallow of me,I'm sorry.... I can't know the fear that you feel. I can see it in your words, and understand how feelings can be so mixed) I don't know how you can go thru it,cept for taking one breath at a time, sometimes only because we have to breath. I am so ashamed my life has been so busy that I missed over a month of your blog and am so shocked about what has happened. Now I am thinking about you everyday. Just know that if my thoughts and prayers could be blankets, they would have you and your family wrapped up and so very safe from harm, protecting you. I hope you can feel us readers supporting you. I wish these words could be more than just letters typed in a box. I am ashamed we can go about our lives and leave you in such pain and worry. I promice to read more often. I'll try to be "here" more for you. I hope it helps..somehow. Hugs Rene

Karin Bartimole said...

No, not the ideal way for alleviating ones own scanxiety... I'm keeping good thoughts for your scan results Renee. The stronger and healthier you are, the stronger you'll be for Sheldon and Jacquie, too. May your stability be some good news for you and your family to share. I love you, Karin

Elizabeth said...

I hope the results are stable. I wish that you had no worries. I send you love and well wishes.

Allegra Smith said...

Ah, but that it would be that easy...You know what I mean so I don't need to remind you.

I am off to the dentist, trying to be cheerful and good, although this morning I feel like I want to scream to whoever may be in charge of the Universe this shift: "Enough?!"

The problem with this kind of adversity is that we cannot blame it on anyone or anything.
We had not been run over by a drunken driver, our anger and frustration is not really channeled into a constructive venue because there is none that I can honestly think I for one could follow with a clean conscience. Far from an ascetic mentality mine is a boiling pot of unanswered questions. And although I refuse to worry as a matter of principle, I do not advise that either. It takes years of training your brain to do that on command and if you are a rebel like me, guess what?

BTW, speaking of rolling veins (I know we weren't but you may want to suggest this the next time) this last time when I went to feed the vampires, a young woman with soft manners started feeling my arm up above the elbow, and ended drawing blood half way up to the shoulder. I barely felt anything and she filled several vials which normally would have me filled with the desire to hit whoever was doing it. First time in sixty four years I didn't hate the needle. Ask, someone up there may know how to do it I hope.

Love you girl, but you know that.

TheChicGeek said...

You have such a generous spirit and kind and loving heart, Renee. You are a very special person and it is an honor to know you.
I will keep you all in my prayers.

Pattee said...

I don't recommend that either Renee...

I'll be anxiously waiting your bone scan reports.... and I will not say "whatever"~ because I love you too much.

I wish that none of you had cancer...


mermaid said...

Doesn't sound like a fun place to be. Still, I am amazed at how you are trying to hold the space for all illnesses.

Sophia said...

My heart aches and breaks for you. Although my health is not to the extent of yours at this time, I have been through enough tests, procedures, and treatments, that I am sick of being poked and prodded, blood drawn, scans done, etc. Maybe I should place my focus, heart, and prayers on your so I can forget how miserable I am from all my tests and throwing up far too often.

I am glad that I found you...humbled by your journey...and blessed to know someone like you. You inspire me.


kendalee said...

Oh Renee, I can see how this would work to tackle scanxiety but I wish none, none, none of it was something you had to deal with!

I know it's pointless to be angry about stuff one can't control (and Sheldon could really teach me a thing or two about this!) but I do feel so inclined to shake my fists in the air and swear (which I very seldom do) when I hear what you go through. I think I'll just channel that energy into sending you love and a big cyber hug instead though... (((♥))) K

Manon Doyle said...

I'm sending you my most positive vibes Renee!! Things will be stable.....I'll keep repeating it!!

I keep your whole family in my prayers!!

love you,

Michelle said...

Love you


one little acorn said...

I have never been in your position Renee, but I know the pain of watching someone I love hurting and the worry is consuming. It must be hard to lose sight of your own battle, but more than ever, please try to look after yourself too.
Every day I send you my good wishes and love and hope for good things for you all.
Take care, Love Cinta xxx

Baino said...

No not a good way to have to turn focus from your own situation by having to worry about others. I'm not going to tell you to stop worrying, it's impossible. Good luck with your scans and we're praying for stable too. You're very brave that's all I can say.

secret agent woman said...

Oh, I so wish you did not have the anxiety of Jacquie and Sheldon as your reason for not being too anxious about yourself. I just know you'd trade anything to have them be better, and can't. Helplessness is a terrible feeling. So, in the meantime, can I be anxious for you, and deal with it by sending my love and good thoughts?

Sarah said...

I wish so much that none of you were ill. I can see what you mean that your feelings for Sheldon and Jacquie are stopping your natural fears about your test-such a natural reaction. So perhaps we should all do the worrying and hoping for you this time and you carry on with what you need to do. That is how I wish it would work anyway. Sending you lots of love,and hope,
Sarah xx

Marie S said...

You have to be fine Auntie Renee! That is all there is to it.
Who will come see me at grandmas page?

Auntie Renee please don't make me pick a favorite. You and Auntie Ces are the cat's pajamas in my book. Geesh... where did I get that from??? Maybe grandma. I think it is very good though and that is the way I mean it. There is enough love in me for both of you!! I love you two, too.

Grandmas says she doesn't know how I could get cuter, it surprises her all the time. She thinks it is because my whole face smiles even my eyes.
I got two teeth!!!!

lakeviewer said...

Oh Dear! Distracting yourself must be an impossible task. Can you take something to relax? Your generous spirit is helping you there.

Anonymous said...

Dear Renee, I know you have placed all your attention on Jacquie and Sheldon these last months. I am praying and hoping all will be well for you.Take care of yourself as well. I know the stress that comes when waiting for results. All my love, Barb

Dede said...

You are truly an amazing woman!

yoborobo said...

I know, Renee. I wish it were in my power, my friend. xoxoxoxoxox Pam

kj said...

i don't much like commenting so far down the line, because what else is there to say that hasn't already been freely and lovingly offered? i wish all this love coming your way could have some physical form: maybe chocolate kisses or hot stone massages... :)

i like the image you've chosen for this post. i don't know how you even know how to plunge through all this sorrow and uncertainty, but you do and you do it with grace and gravity.

as for your tests, so we all wait and pray and stand ready to shake the universe to its core if there is even a needle sized problem with the scans.

btw, you made me smile again today--always a lovely way to come home from work.


but if your knees get weak, all of us here will carry you quite easily.


Allegra Smith said...

Don't ask. There is hole there still because now we are discussing some kind of procedure that cannot be done unless I take antibiotics (remember my CHF? I cannot even have my teeth cleaned without them as a result of my childhood bout with Rheumatic Fever) but the chemo starts this Friday so now there is a meeting of the minds as to whether or not a temporary is the answer or what? Could you believe this one if it was part of a movie plot?

I am so mad I could spit nails, but I won't because with my luck lately I probably will break another. When are we getting the results, and I forbid you, do you hear me? I absolutely forbid you to stress yourself for at least 48 hours. Remember that to worry about something is like a prayer for something we don't want to happen.

I truly believe this, I mean it. If you must give in to worry do it as an exercise. Only three minutes and then do something really nice for yourself. I rather you didn't worry but at least you can get something good for that.

I love you and I am not surprised about the mail. Today I was posting something and the whole thing puff! gone, finito, nada in a matter of seconds. So we still can talk the other way, and I still love you. So now do as I said. I trade you that for some chocolate. I mean it. The bribe that never fails, says she laughing through a hole.

Heidi said...

If only I could carry the burden of your scnxiety for you while you focus your energies on Jacquie and Sheldon.

I was so pleased to have been able to spend some time with Jacquie this past weekend. What a remarkable woman she is.

You do need to ensure that you are not over-doing and I am a bit worried about how all of this is impacting your health.

You et all are in my thoughts constantly.

Daria said...

I wish you all the best with your scans. I know it is such a difficult time ... waiting for results ... I say if worrying about others eases the stress and anxiety ... do it.

Bella Sinclair said...

Dearest darling Renee,

I understand completely. Emotional pain trumps physical pain every time. Maybe Jacquie and Sheldon are so worried about you and each other that they don't feel the pain as much either. It's the only way I can make sense of all the anguish.

I love you.

Kate said...

I am hoping for good results for you. Sending lots of love and blessings your way.

Nina P. said...

May the Healing Power and Grace of the Creator, the Great Divine, God be with you and yours. And may you be granted Peace, Hope, Love and Understanding today and always. Waiting for results is never easy especially the results for a loved one. Again may God Grant you His Peace and Understanding. With Hope, Love and Light, Nina P.

~Babs said...

I'm picturing that chair,,,I've been there too, with the rollers.It's a pain like no other, but I'm sure doesn't compare to the pain in your heart for your loved ones. You're just that way.
And yes, the word 'grace'describes you so well.
Prayers for peace, my friend, and I loved your adorable card, and have it up where I see it often. Thank you, it wasn't necessary, but again,,,that's just you.

Mim said...

I'm with KJ on a late comment, but everyone else is always so erudite, it's wonderful.

Rather ironic isn't it? One would wish that they didn't have to worry about bad news, and it takes worse news to make us realize how "good" we had it - how screwed up is that? I too am hoping for stable, or better for you - but please don't worry about updating us - you'll let us know in your own time.

A Cuban In London said...

No, I wouldn't recomment it either, but then what would I do? It's a unique position and a unique dilemma. One positive aspect is that you're giving it a lot of thought. I wish you the best of luck, to you and your beautiful family.

Greetings from London.

A Spoonful Of Sugar said...

You are lucky to have such a close knit supportive family. Praying that your results are stable. Take care, Lisa

Jeanne said...

I think, in general, the best way to deal with difficulties in our lives is to become "other-focused." But it's better if it's because something great is happening to someone we love.

Kate James said...

Amazing isn't it how our perspective can completely shift...love is such a powerful force.

I'm thinking of all of you. xx

Sarah said...

I'm not surprised! I look forward to more rock puns!

Dave King said...

I think there is a lot of truth in that. Very often one worry will drive out - or hide - another, though I'm not sure it has to be a greater worry. Sometimes small anxieties will still larger ones.

Ces said...

Good morning Oooey Gooey Tweety Birdie Pooey...oops! Wrong blog. I thought I was still at Marie's talking to Madi who is the cutest little baby girl. Aha! You are the grandma of the cutest baby boy in blogland! Tell Dominic he is Cutie oowie gooeylittle pattotie boy! I will teach him how to fart with a melody (just don't tell Bella about this because she is a champion Ppfter! - HAHAHHAAH!) Pfft! Pfft! Pfft! And Dominic and I can have a spitting contest of who can spit the farthest. And little Josephine will be the beautiful judge and she will be strict and tell me to get back in line if I overstep two inches! Patooey!

And again as for worrying. I believe I had a friend who i envied very much. She said I was a worry wart and she was the one who told me to pray everyday and everytime I need help. I was skeptical at first and then I remembered that my Mother used to pray everyday of her life. She prayed for everyone of her children. Her faith gave her comfort. I remember during her lastdays I prayed like a Mongolian with a prayer wheel on overdrive and then my prayers were answered. My mother passed away and on the day she passed away, her difficulty of breathing was gone, she was breathing with ease, her lungs were clear. My sister and I were baffled but gave thanks to the Lord. Her Cheyne-Stokes respirations were gone, she was calm and peaceful and then she died in our arms. I told myself that if I never had to use my nursing profession again, I would be satisfied for I have served my mother and then remembered I have a husband and children and other family members and friends so I must continue...the circle of life goes on. Everytime I save a life or do something for someone I do it because not only is it the right thing to do, I want to honor my parents, ah yes, they are my angels and sometimes it's not always that I receive direct anwers to my prayers, I receive admonition and I reassess my needs or a new lightbulb! And then I turn the switch on!

Good morning koochie-coohie-ooey patootie Renee phooey!

LDWatkins said...

Positive vibes coming toward you in massive quantities wrapped in love! Catch them! Hugs, too.

Annie said...

I agree with Arija, but it is sometimes hard to not worry when things are so bad. I am sending, light and love and hugs and prayers and anything else I can think of :-). xoxo

Angela Recada said...

You are in my thoughts, in my heart, in my prayers, dear warrior/worrier.

Love you,

Anonymous me said...

Maybe it always works like that Renee. Jacquie is worrying about Sheldon and you, You are worrying about Sheldon and Jacquie, they are both worrying about you too I bet ... all this worry and not a thing changes through it. I am hoping and wishing and praying that something changes for the better for all of you. That you are stable, that Jacquie and Sheldon have many happy pain free days to share with you all. Every day I talk to God and ask, as promised. xx Jos

Caroline said...

Dear Renee
I know that when my mother was really ill she was still so concerned about about me worrying about her - seems we all do it and you're right it's not to be recommended.
Thinking of you, hoping that your scan results are positive and sending hugs your way.

Debra said...

YES! It seems like a good/bad thing. Then all the baggage that tags along, why not me? why them? On and on, still I am hoping you are okay dear friend, and I am still holding onto some hope, even if it that pain is minimal and God is merciful. If anyone deserved a miracle surely it is you three!

L.Holm said...

Sending good thoughts for the all clear.

rochambeau said...

You are a strong and beautiful soul, Renee. May God continue to give you grace and peace!!!!!!!


rochambeau said...

just was reading so many nice comments on this post.
Sophia's one particularly touched me.

I am glad that I found you...humbled by your journey...and blessed to know someone like you. You inspire me.

Me too!!

Lizzy Frizzfrock said...

Scanxiety... what an appropriately made-up word!

Draffin Bears said...

Dear Renee,

How hard it must have been for you the last few months worrying about Jacquie and Sheldon and leaving little time for your sweet self.
I will be hoping and praying that your tests will come back positive.

Sending prayers and hugs your way.

Carolyn xo

Sue said...

Coming late to this post Renee, and sending positive thoughts your way that your results will be excellent.

What a conundrum - worry about Jacqui and Sheldon takes your mind off your own health worries, but at what a cost! Good/bad indeed.


Anonymous said...

Keeping hope, Renee your results are stable! I have written it this way to pass on positive vibes, it is going to work, it is going to work!
I wanted to share something that my daughter's father's family share.
A bad gene, I don't think I have said it right. It runs in the family. They can have a 50/50 chance of choosing this gene when developing in the womb. The only good thing about this gene it doesn't get aggressive until in the 20's years or so and some families have young children with the over developing pollops in bowls. So each family member and only one out of around 7 that I know of have this gene. So all having their bowel either half removed or fully depending on serious loads pollops, where they are etc. Ab's dad has to have some removed from is stomach soon. He has had his full bowel removed.
I here so many people here suffering from brain tumours, you get to listen to conversations in the street and on the bus.
I heard of a study in the USA about aspatame (false sugar) can cause brain tumours. You have probably heard of this, and yes it is so dam to late, sorry! No hardness meant at you, meant to the nasty cancer!
Think about you most days and am so mad that you and your family have got such a bad deal. Wish I could put this right.
Trying not to be full of useless information.
Aspatame can cause symptoms of ME? I think it is ME? feeling tired and ill. Aspatame can slowly poison your body.
Sorry my spelling is rubbish.
Please forgive me if you already knew this or that all this information is just not what you need to hear right now. You are all certainly going through enough.

I love you Renee!
All my love to you!
BIG HUG!!!!!! All six of them!

catnapping said...

Nowadays I take a valium a few hours ahead of time before my MRIs. I used to get through them fine, but the more I do them, the more I hate them.

There is one set where it sounds like the machine is telling me to die:

dk dk dk dk dk dk dk dk die die die die die die die die dk dk dk dk dk dk dk dk die die die die die die die die...

And there are other sets that reach some sort of pitch that they seem to vibrate in my left ear, and they hurt my left temporal bone and jaw. Finally, it got so bad they had to stop the MRI so I go throw up. They gave me something for pain, and had to postpone for 40 minutes. The tech was annoyed, and didn't even try to hide it...but the RN was cool.

Now, when I go for my MRI, they automatically make sure I'm medicated for anxiety AND for pain.

I can't see why your tech shouldn't give you a local first, so that the repeated sticks won't cause you so much pain. Especially given your medical history, and the fact that it often takes several attempts to get a vein.

~* The Beldame on Peach Street *~ said...

Even though I don't have any fancy words this time just know I am "here" with you this time, too, my friend!

Hugs ~ Jamie

jeanne said...

no. worrying about someone else is the worst way to cope with worrying about yourself. it allows you to eat away at yourself even more, and with a vengeance. you almost feed it willingly. here, take me - and choke on me. i would much rather just worry about myself and rise above worrying about everyone else. it's so selfish of them to take the focus away from me.
this is my cancer voice, i'm not projecting outward, just reacting personally to the statement that worrying about others is worse than useless. i've got a story just like that and i feel strongly about the pain i experienced.

Amy C said...

what a beautiful image, just like your beautiful writing, even though you are going through so so so much and I have no idea what that really feels like, I still find what you write so uplifting, you are clearly incredible.
Sending a few more angels your way....x

Clarity said...

Dear Renee,

Even at this difficult time, you share of yourself what you can. Thank you for coming and giving, as you do. I pray that Sheldon, Jacquie and you improve and grow healthier together. I pray that your scans show improvement.

For some reason I was looking for old terms in my dictionary and oddly two words stood out which I wasn't searching for: Curretage and D&C, both similar processes and both made me think of you, I don't why so I bookmarked them. Later on I'm reading a passage in a book of someone whose friend suffered from cancer and he was a proponent of new treatments, he kept thinking "Shark cartilage", apparently sharks never get cancer. Silly it may sound but Japanese and others really recommend it as a treatment of some sort. I don't know how, perhaps some day it could be used directly to fight bone cancer who knows? With all their research they have to try something besides the hideous chemo/radiation combo. I just felt I had to mention these coincidences, God knows if it could help some how.

Most of all I send my love and peaceful prayers to you and all your family.