Monday, 14 September 2009

Guilty Bone


















When I saw Dr. Grenier on Wednesday she gave me the bone with stable marked on it and I was relieved. I was relieved. I am relieved.

I also felt guilty. I still feel guilty.

I went up to spend time with Sheldon and he was sleeping. Gilbert was sleeping on a chair beside him. I felt like I didn’t have a right to be there.

I went up to spend time with Jacquie and she was waiting for me to come up and asked if I saw the doctor and I said ‘No.’ I felt like I didn’t have a right to tell her I was stable.

I told Nathan when I got home and he was happy and said ‘Finally some good news. I thought you were going to tell me you had a month.’

He phoned Angelique and handed me the phone and I told her and she said ‘That’s great Mom, and I knew you were having the appointment today, as I was so worried with everything going on, I felt like I just couldn’t wait for you to spring it on us so I had to find out the date and so looked at your papers.’

We went out for lunch (Nadalene and Wahid were at work) to celebrate and I was crying when I told them “Yes, I’m happy, but I feel sad too.” They understood.

I told Wahid and Nadalene and we were all relieved.

The next morning I told Jacquie and she said ‘That is great.’ I told her how I felt and how she helped me so much and that I should be dying right now and her and Sheldon shouldn’t be in this mess. How sorry I am that she spent so much time with me and my family while I was sick, and how I wasted her time.

She told me ‘Don’t feel like that Renee, because there is nothing about that time that I would change. I was there for you because I wanted to be and you are here for me now.’

I get home and Nathan was upset and told me Jordy had come over and his Mom’s cancer had come back. Flo is one of my best friends and her breast cancer has come back in the bones and the liver. I phoned Flo right away and she asked if she could come over. “Yes, come right now.”

We are devastated, and we talk and talk. She said she never knew what it felt like. She knew cancer and she knew how bad it felt but now this feels like something else entirely to be Stage 4.

She asks if I heard my results yet and I tell her no. I didn’t want her to have to feel like she was happy for me when her world was falling apart.

Flo came over the next day and we talked and I told her then.

My Mom was happy when I told her. She was very happy and said ‘I am praying for a cure now for Sheldon and Jacquie.’ My Mom is beautiful.

My Mom got rushed to emergency on Saturday night and Nathan called me at 9 p.m. to let me know. I went straight to the hospital (the same one Jacquie and Sheldon are in). My Mom has pneumonia and I now pray that she will be feeling better soon. I go see Jacquie and she is having a hard night. I pray that she will be able to stand soon. I don’t go up and see Sheldon because I think I will fall to my knees if I do.

Before I leave the hospital I go and see Mom in the emergency room again and find out she is being admitted. My Mom is sitting up in bed and Jeannine, Colette, and Joey are eating chicken. My Mom says did you tell Joey your news, and so I am under the gun and say ‘Oh my results are stable.’ He says ‘Oh yea, that’s good.’

I am embarrassed. I have wasted people’s time. And now we have a real crisis on our hands.

Sheldon is very sick.

79 comments:

natalie said...

we all needed this good news auntie renee. i'm so happy your results are stable.

Micki said...

Oh Renee my heart goes out to you x

Sarah said...

Oh Renee..I do not believe that anyone feels you have wasted their time..life ebbs and flows and thank the powers that be that this is a flowing time for you..because you are stable you can be present for them hon!!
Renee..when I read this this morning my heart lept for joy that your results were stable - happy dancing and in tears at the same time!!! You are such a blessing in my life..you have no idea!! I truly understand as much as I can what you are feeling..but know I am deeply relieved that things are stable with you!!! I love you Renee. If I could offer a cure for you all I surely would. I can only send love to all of you! Can you feel my hug this morning hon..here it comes! Love, Sarah

Anonymous me said...

Oh Renee, this is hard. To feel you haven't got the right to be stable when those around you are so sick is the most natural thing in the world ... to feel like you haven't the right to feel pleased is so understandable.

BUT you see you are loved too. Jacquie, Sheldon and your mum would want only good things for you, as you do for them. I'm sorry about your friend Flo to face this diagnosis must feel like the end of everything just now ... and yet it isn't ... not today anyway.

More prayers, wishes, hopes. xx Jos

Bonnie, Original Art Studio said...

Oh Darling Renee:

You have wasted no one's time. To believe you are not worthy of time or love is not healthy. Your body/mind is listening to your thoughts - it takes its cues from you.

You have no right to deny your loved ones the right to love you back - and that includes offering their time to you when you are suffering - just as you do for them.

Sometimes it feels easier to experience guilt than rage. I wish you would find a counsellor (at the hospital perhaps?) who you could talk to about your very justifiable rage at all that is happening.

Your guilt helps no one. Not you, and not your loved ones. You have nothing to expiate, redeem or pardon yourself for. You have a right to your life process, whatever it is and however it is.

with love, bonnie xo

Anonymous said...

Don't feel guilty. I know that's easier said than done, but don't.
Because you are giving everybody
HOPE and that's a beautiful thing.

topangamaria

karengberger said...

I can't say, "I know how you feel," Renee, but I think I understand a bit - your huge heart and total compassion for others make you reluctance to share your good news. But I hope you have seen that, in sharing it, you may be giving everyone hope for themselves and relief for you, too. All good news is encouraging, I think. And yours is good indeed - I am so happy to hear it!

God bless you, your family, & especially your mom, Jacquie & Sheldon. May He bring to you all whatever is needed each moment, along with a heaping dose of humor and some joy. XO

Deborah said...

Oh Renee, feel my arms around you, lifting you up to God...every breath a prayer rising to the heavens for your lovely family. I now pray for you all as one, for you all share the same heart. Guilt is a waste of emotion and energy and creates a wall between you and Sheldon and Jacquie...it is of the evil one, not God, so you must forcefully push it away, and be free to love those who need your love. I Praise God for giving you the gift of time. Such great love I have for you...Deb

Diana Evans said...

Hi Renee!!! I am so happy that you finally got some good news and you should never feel guilty...if anything it gives people in despair some hope that miracles do happen....you are blessed and loved and they will never hold that against you....

Hugs
Diana

Arija said...

Oh do stop being silly! There is a reason why you are stable and they are not, it is just not meant for you to see why. Guild is a very negative emotion and brings nothing but trouble. Be happy and grateful that you have been given this extra time to share your love. Your family needs you and does NOT need the extra worry about you as well at this time.
So, thank God for giving you more time with your family and enjoy if. Your presence is doing them greater good knowing you are in remission and a load off their minds.
Love and blessings to you all.

studio lolo said...

Dear Raven Sister, for the first time I'm going to scold you for your words.
You have no reason to feel embarassed or undeserving of your bone scan results.
You have not EVER wasted anyones time. The openess and true sharing of your cancer experience has saved people time by knowing what to do and it has given them coping skills.
If you share your good results with everyone, even the suffering and dying, you can give them hope and at the very least you take their thoughts off of their misery, even briefly.
So, dear sister, embrace your good results and display them or celebrate them in your own quiet way. But please don't be ashamed.
There are a million people who want to hear your good news and celebrate with you.
I will always be one of them.

I'll continue to pray for you and your family and send all of you many blessings.

love,
Laurel
xoxoxox

Anonymous said...

Oh Renee, you are such a selfless person. You put everyone's feeling ahead of your own. I am rejoicing at your results.I pray for your family each day and a special prayer for your dear mother. She is so strong like you.
Blessings, love and prayers, Barb

Anonymous said...

Pudd

You are entitled to all of these feelings but there is little room for guilt. Remember that you are not in control - you are not dealing the cards. You, Sheldon, AJ and Flo are being held hostage to these events.

N

Lori ann said...

God.
sending prayers and love.
prayers and love.
to everyone.

please don't feel guilt Renee. Feel the love instead.

you are loved.

vintage moon studio said...

Holding you all in my prayers... Deb

Karin Bartimole said...

guilt is so evil Renee - guilt is the one wasting time. You are too strong to succumb to the insidious web it weaves while it tries to trap you via the ego! Absolutely no time was wasted - what has passed has past, choices were made, and a plan greater than you or I could know the highest meaning of is underway. I hope you will respectfully share your good news moments, and give all that love you the immediate freedom to breathe a sigh of relief - ah, at least this we don't have to worry about, at least this is isn't more bad news, we have our Renee who we need with us to get through everything else that is happening... I try to remember not to question the greater plans with regret Renee, and I hope you know you are very much needed here, in ways you aren't even aware. Sending you love, and the balm of guilt free peace, Karin

Barbara said...

Oh, Renee. I feel for you. How is it possible to even know where the ground is anymore where you stand? I'm so sorry. And happy for you at the same time. Thank God for small mercies. Hugs, Barbara

Bella Sinclair said...

Oh, darling sweet beautiful Renee. It's damned if you do, damned if you don't. If your results had not been stable, you would have felt guilty for taking away some of the focus on Jacquie and Sheldon. You would have felt like you had disappointed your family. You would have felt bad about causing Jacquie and Sheldon additional worry and sadness. Don't you see, my dear? You cannot win. Though I fully understand the feelings of guilt, try to think of your results as just maintaining the status quo.

I, quite frankly, am so very relieved. I was worried that all this stress and fatigue would be detrimental. And don't you ever say you wasted anyone's time. Please. Are Jacquie and Sheldon wasting your time? Hardly. Though the circumstances were nightmarish, your illness has brought you closer. You spent more time together than you would have otherwise, and that is never a waste. Never.

Yes, I thought about you all day yesterday because something was just off. But now I can exhale, if only a little bit. I love you.

xoxo

Ces said...

Oh Renee! Renee! renee!

I paint and I color the background. I use black to cover the empty spaces. Balck to lot out the wasted space and make it meaningful like a contrast to the prime object that I am trying to show. I wish so very much you are the prime object of my painting and your troubles are in the background and I paint it with Ivory Black or Paynes Grey (I use Paynes Grey now to honor Manon). They will mask your trouble and then blend it in so that they are an integral part of the whole painting. Not a distraction but a welcome part. But it can only be a welcome part if it does not distract from the prime object, it can only be welcome part if it does not destry the prime object. I paint and I think of my the people I have met in the blogs - everyone of them and I smile as I enumerate each and everyone who I consider dear to me and I send a prayer up there or just out there. I pray for 4 in Australia, 1 in Malaysia, 2 in England, 1 in Ireland, 1 in Sweden, 1 in France, 1 in Flanders, 1 in Belgium, i in Arizona, actually 2 right now in Arizona, 2 in New Jersey and I tend to stay in there for a while, I jump to Italy, then I go to the Pacific coast up and down and I linger and spin my invisible prayer wheel harder for that area and then I go to Canada and I have this beautiful blonde blogger who is a terrific mother and then at last in Winnepeg where now I have in front of me a beautiful aspen trunk without a blemish and I look at it and it looks unnatural without a blemish so I give it a slit and and a slant and a swish and it's coming along and then I think of everything that you go through everyday and your family and I paint a broken branch where golden leaves would have clung before they fall for Autumn's glory and the branch is broken and my heart is so heavy and I say Oh God and I don't know what to ask from God anymore I just say your name "Renee, Renee..." Surely I have been faithful and goog my prayers must account for something!
I love you. Please take my love for what it is worth!

Annie Coe said...

This post made me cry so much. I feel so much of your pain and it is understandable. Wish I could do more than pray. You have been through so much and you did not waste anyone's time. Your family loves you, what better way to spend time than tending to those you love. I am sending extra love, hugs, kisses and prayers. xoxo

angelique said...

I understand why you would feel that way, but really, you are playing head games with yourself when it really isn't necessary to make yourself feel like shit for no reason. You are right that this is a crisis, but you are not to feel guilty any more than the next person. We love you so much and we are so happy with your results. You need to use that info. and use it for strength for Auntie Jacquie and Sheldon and Grandma.

Annie said...

P.S. I am so HAPPY that you are stable!!!!! xoxo

Anonymous me said...

I forgot to say Renee, you know, I never could drop your mom off the end of the list ... just so you know. xx Jos

Björnik said...

My Dear Renee, how hard it must be for you to receive the good news knowing that other family members and friends are undergoing a great ordeal. I'm very happy for you still and you should be too. That way you will be more able to visit Sheldon, Jacquie and Flo. You and your family are always in my prayers.

Wish you had a wonderful weekend.

XOXO
Björnik

Sandy said...

Ohhh, Renee!!! I cannot even begin to understand how this must be for you. Your being stable is one less burden for others so take some relief in that, but you feel the way you feel and sometimes there's no changing that.

Huge hugs and lots of love to you and your family.

Kelly Lish said...

Renee,
I'm sorry you feel guilty. I'm sorry you cant shout your good news from the roof tops. I sure don't understand what this life is really all about, but I know for sure you didn't waste anybody's time. When we are sick and need extra love, that is the time for those who love us to step up and grow and give. They will only be better people for being there for you and someday they may need extra love themselves. I believe in Karma, and no time is ever wasted when love is involved. They helped fill you up, so that you may give some of your love to someone in need. God bless you, and please let go of any guilt...I am happy for your news. Be happy too.
Love, Kelly

Kelly Lish said...

One more thing...I think you should tell your good news...I think it will bring hope to others...

Love, Kelly

LaWatha said...

I know you can't help the way you feel, Renee- but I don't think anybody else on earth would want you to feel embarrassed or guilty or anything negative. It is what it is... they were there for you, you are there for them. Maybe you're stable now so that you can be there for them... it's a wonderful thing.

xox
LaWatha

Noreen said...

This all seems to much for one family to live with.

I am so happy to hear the great news about your test results.

My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you and your family in this difficult time.

Jaliya said...

Darling Renee, you waste NO time, and NO ONE's time. I understand the "survivor guilt" (in a different context) ... but dear heart, when you receive a result like this, it is a sign of HOPE ... that anything is possible, even when a situation is assumed to be dire ...

Hugging you fiercely right now and extending love and prayers to your mom and your Flo ...

Love, love and more love xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

P.S. Hah! -- word verification = "never", as in NEVER GIVE UP!!! ... I remember a friend who was close to end-stage ovarian cancer ... Her bowel was becoming blocked and we were all hanging onto the possibility of a big poop ... Well, the big poop happened, and my friend's daughters created a huge banner that said "WAY TO GO, MOM, ON YOUR BIG B.M.!" ... They hung it between two trees in the front yard so everyone in the immediate world could see it! :-D

It's amazing how hope becomes so relative and specific ...

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Marion said...

Oh, Renee! I've been boo-hooing ever since I read the last line. I'm so OVERJOYED about your good news, but sad about Jacquie and Sheldon and your friend, Flo. Don't feel guilty, dearest Renee. The world needs you. I need you. (I know that's selfish, but...) I, too, am praying for miracles. I'd gladly trade with Sheldon if I could. He's so young....

May God Bless You and Comfort you and keep you STRONG! Hugs, Love & Blessings, dear friend of my heart...

Bella Sinclair said...

PS. Sending prayers for your mom's speedy recovery.

xoxo

yoborobo said...

Oh my God, Renee, I don't know how you get through a day. I can imagine feeling that way, you have your good news, and here your beloved sister and her sweet boy are so very ill. Your mom is sick. And now your friend, Flo. It's too much. I will tell you that the time they spent with you was not wasted. They love you so much, and there was nothing they wouldn't do for you, just like there is nothing you wouldn't do for them now. I am praying with your Mom. You are in my thoughts always, Renee. God bless you all. xoxox Pam

Renee said...

Angelique and Nadalene:

I know what you both are saying and rationally I agree. It is something I just have to let go of.

Yes, I am going to let go of it.

Love you both.

Mom xoxox

Elizabeth said...

Rest your weary head from guilt, Renee. Guilt wastes your time, nothing else. I can't imagine how much you mean to all your family members and that fact that you're "stable" must give them comfort on some level. It's all just to much. You all need a break, a fucking break. I'm sending you prayers.

shelly said...

Know that there is no offense in surviving – it is good to survive – it is okay to delight in being alive … Know that Jacquie, Sheldon and the rest of us wouldn’t want you to know any different … xox

YayaOrchid said...

I am so happy for your results Renee! I see God's hand in your life. Please struggle to hold on to that. What was that Scripture that said 'your faith hath made you whole'? Ah, yes..Mark 5:34

Continue to pray, just pray, and pray. He knows your heart. Pray for your Mom, your Sister, your Nephew. Nothing is too hard for God. And also be ready to be happy with his will, whatever the outcome.

Praying also for more miracles in your life...your friend Yaya

Michelle said...

Wise kids. I understand what you mean though. I think.

I am happy your results are stable, they had to be, don't you see. How else could everyone deal with everything else?

Love you

xx

~Babs said...

I understand.
And I also know you'll soon let go of the guilt. It's nobody's fault, but you already know that.
I couldn't be any happier about your personal news.
I'm giving thanks for that, and giving thanks that I've been allowed to meet you, a beacon of light.
Adding your Mom to the list,,,

Angela Recada said...

My heart breaks for you, dear Renee. Listen to your precious Nadalene and Angelique. They love you so much. They need some good news to hold onto in this nightmare.

Words are not enough. You and your loved ones are in my heart, my thoughts, my prayers.

Love you,
xoxoxo
Angela

Marie S said...

Yeah, what Pudd and Angelique said!!!

It is your turn to be there for the rest of them and for that you need to be well.
Be well all the way and don't make light of this gift. IT IS WONDERFUL!!!!YAY!!!
You are very blessed in the family that you have, all that love, it is a pleasure to see and feel, I am so grateful to be able to see that!!! Thank you!

Baino said...

Sweetie, you're feeling survivor guilt which is an awful thing to feel in your situation. Just think There for the Grace of God Go I. . .you are the only little glimmer of good news in your family for now. Don't be embarrassed. They will be happy for your survival. No ecstatic. You have other family members who need you, love you and want you around for a very long time. Your girls are right. Take their advice,

Angela Recada said...

I meant to also say how very, very glad I am that your results were stable, dear heart.

Hugs,
xoxoxo
Angela

rochambeau said...

Hi friend,
The way you feel~felt, oh how I relate. How you handled it was right with waiting to tell. Sorry you have to feel guilty while feeling joy. Perhaps I've felt this, but NOT on your level.
I love you Renee.
You are a beauty!
May God continue to bless Sheldon, Jacquie, your Mom and YOU!
So happy to hear your news!

Love,
Constance

ps
I'm wondering if there may be something, where you live that is causing people to have cancer?

Mim said...

Oh Renee - I want to tell you not to feel that way but I also understand so well. But please, give and share your joy with your loved ones. You are not "boasting". You are there for a reason, you are there for them. They need you and you are there. And you will be there. What a blessing that is.

Remember, it is all for some reason, only we mostly don't know what that reason is.

nollyposh said...

(((Hugs))) and ~Love~ to you dear Renee... i am so very ~Happy~ for you, i will be happy for you because you are having trouble being happy for yourself... Renee Angel <3 Love to your mum and of course always to Sheldon and Jacquie too... Love to your girlfriend also... Why does this happen all around you dearest Renee? Because you are the ~Angel~ dear Renee, who lights the way forward with ~Love~ <3

Neverland said...

God bless you. I will continue to keep you in my prayers.
Caroline

Rikkij said...

Renee-If you feel guilt, what should the rest of us feel? Nobody deals these cards, they are what they are and I'm glad for your good news and sad for the not so good. But no good could ever come from guilt that I can see. Just more sorrow. Take care, Dear friend. Love ya~rick

Susan said...

Please stay strong and healthy - you need to be there for them. Don't feel bad because you can survive - and help them.

Sonia ;) said...

Do I need to kick ya in the butt?Its all good to feel good..If they see you happy and stable gives them the courage to be stable too....How sick? Please Renee kiss him for me....and email me for anything...

I love you lovey xxooxoxoxo

Daria said...

Renee ... thinking of you and your family ... hoping and praying for healing.

Jen said...

Renee, I am so sorry for everything terrible that's going on, but my heart sings for your good news :)

kj said...

my beloved friend, the plans for you include this stable report. it's that simple.

and i for one and among many are thrilled and joyous.

Woman in a Window said...

Renee, you have wasted no one's time. Not possible. You are a giver, not a taker.

I.am.so.happy.for.you.

I am sad for your family but you deserve to feel relief and happiness, even if for just a moment. And when that moment is over, hold hands. I...pray for you, and it took me a long time to type that word pray. I'm used to just hoping. This calls for more serious measures.
xo
erin

Great-Granny Grandma said...

But you haven't wasted anybody;s time, and you shouldn't feel guilty about your good news--although I do understand how you would feel that way. I think if you share it, it would help give the others hope.

Dede said...

My favorite aunt who was just under five feet and all of about 85 pounds soaking wet use to say, "Screw guilt!" You have been through and are still going through so much, enjoy the feeling of relief. Don't spoil it with something like guilt. You so deserve to have this wonderful feeling that you can breathe now.

You are not in control of these situations, if you were, they would not be as they are.

(((HUGS)))

Carrie @ Cottage Cozy said...

My heart is heavy for you Renee. My prayers for you all...stable is an interesting word isn't it?

Hugs & Kisses, Stay Cozy, Carrie

one little acorn said...

Oh Renee. Please try not to feel bad about getting stable results. Your strength will keep you going to continue to support your loved ones. And, as you will never regret or feel you have wasted your days with your family in their time of need... neither do they about the time they have spent with you. The comments of N and A are full of love and gratitude for you. It means everything at a time when nothing but family matters.
Lots of love to you. Take care.

LDWatkins said...

Guilt of the survivors.You are indeed entitled to these feelings, but please don't. Let them go. Your strength is needed on so many fronts and your strength cannot be maintained by wearing yourself down with these thoughts. So many prayers for you are being answered--we're still working on Sheldon and Jacquie and always on you. I'm so happy you got a good report. Love to you

Bailey said...

Darling Renee, it breaks my heart reading about your family and friends.
You're such a beautiful woman and it upsets me hearing about these horrible things happening around you.
I met a boy named Sheldon just yesterday and I felt this weight in my stomach. I don't know your nephew and yet he crosses my mind almost daily.
Your family are in my prayers.

And congrats on be stable :)
You shouldn't feel any guilt in getting better.

Much love, Bailey xox

Tammy said...

My Dear Renee, I Understand what your feeling, However Please try to leave the Guilt feelings behind you.
Renee, You are such a Beautiful person who is always by the side of your Family and Friends.
I now if I were in the shoes of your family I would be very Happy for you, and not regret you of your happy news..
Your family is very close, and I can tell from your Post you are a Brave and Charished Family Member..
I am praying for all of you..

I am very Happy you are Stable..
Love and Many Hugs!!!
Tammy

Vera said...

I read your words last night, and they have stayed with me all day. How difficult it is to be happy for one's self when others are still suffering, and I feel so much your dilemma.
Look at yourself in the mirror, and say "I'm doing alright" or other such words of positivity, then that will give you the courage to be who you need to be, both for yourself and others. God bless. My thoughts are with you.

Madtexter said...

My goodness, you must be having a time of it, but you have every right feel good about your prognosis. I don't think it's gloating to say you are doing well if someone asks you. It's not your fault that loved ones around you may be doing a little less well. Take your strength and the wellness that you have and share that with them. You need to be well, so that they can be well. You can be their hope.

Silver said...

I am so glad and pleased to hear the news. And Wahid does have such a great sense of humor.. yeah..that's a great asset.

As for the rest.. we can only pray and leave the rest to God.

love,
Silver

Coastal Sisters said...

Sending you and your whole family prayers and light.....make sure to not be so hard on yourself Renee. I know it's easier said than done.

Love to you,
LuLu~*xoxo

jenjen said...

Oh ((hugs)) Renee!
I am sorry you are feeling guilty and going through so much with yourself and your loved ones. I don't know you well, but I can tell that you are a wonderful, compassionate, beautiful person.

XOXO
Jen

Anonymous said...

Renee:

Our destiny is never within our control, I won't have you beat yourself up over this, I do the same thing, beating myself up endlessly and realize that no matter what I do or what I think, I cannot change anything, MONKEY MIND... constantly, but I will not let that negative energy entertain me any longer, for there is no one in my life that has been worth knowing and loving more that those in my family, the real horror would be to not have had the chance to have such beautiful people in my life. As AJ says, she is going to live until she lives no more, and Sheldon, what a beautiful man, he is could you only imagine how terrible it would be not to have known him? I was so affraid that you told me it was stable when it wasn't thank God for all of you for as long as I can have you in my life.

Don't waste the good energy, you need it to be "together Strong"

Colette

Linda Sue said...

Guilt? I think that guilt is regret for some wrong done to harm someone else- knowing at the time that is was wrong...Don't let so called guilt- rob you of your joy of life- We are so pleased about your medical news we are jumping around- joyful. It has naught to do with other's going through what they do.
LOVE you, so pleased!

Annie said...

Thinking of you all...xoxo

Lola said...

What is this nonsense about having wasted peoples' time??? Why do you feel guilty about feeling better? You're stable, everyone is celebrating this, even Sheldon, Jaquie and all those who are ailed-

RENEE is stable, that is monumental good news.

I feel like jumping up and down, running outside and screaming it out at the entire apartment building. Everybody must wake up and be happy like me.

My prayers have been heard, so this means they can work on the rest of the gang too.

I love you, my strong beautiful crazy Renee
Lola

PS word verification: torte !!

soulbrush said...

what a quandary to be in, omg i truly hope this gulir lifts soon, you deserve to have a bit of freedom from your own anguish and this has nothing to do with their pain. i feel for you, so much.

Sarah said...

I missed this post, then started reading the next one but have come to read this. I am so glad your results were stable. I am so sorry about your friend and so sad for Sheldon and Jacqui. I hope your Mum is ok too.Lots of love xx

secret agent woman said...

Your health does not affect the health of those you love, and you can't take it on for them. If anything, you're good news allows you to better be there for Sheldon and Jacquie and your friend.

Clarity said...

Dear Renee,

This is wonderful news and I thank God for it, especially at this time. It's the gentle shade you need with all this heat.

Please know that I am praying for Jacquie and Sheldon and your Mom, who sounds amazing. When you come through this, you will be the strongest family in the world I think you already are.

Debra said...

Can I tellyou how mcu I feel for you. Yes, guilt is a nasty little bugger. He is the one who keeps me from sharing good news when other are in pain for fear of trivializing thier pain. Yes, we know it is not the case, but why then do we feel unworthy of this bit of happiness when we would be truly happy and a bit relived to know that others are doing okay? Renee I am so pleased at least one of my prayers has been heard, now I will concentrate on Sheldon and Jacquie.

turquoise cro said...

(((((((Renee and all her Family))))))

Linda said...

OMG who wouldn't want to spend time with you, you have a beautiful soul. I'm so, so happy that you are stable. Hugs go out to you.

i'm hugging you close to my heart said...

you waste no one's time, anymore than those you worry about are wasting yours.

it's a myth that we're supposed to do this alone. individualism is a lie brought about by people who realized people alone make better consumers (all buying stuff, one each). (yes. i believe that capitalism is a contrivance, and not a natural system for social beings, like humans.)

and we are a social animal, renee. we have succeeded as a species, because we worry about each other. it's what we do. it comes naturally. we evolved to lean on each other. sharing the bad times makes them easier to cope with.

and then we get to change...to blend in with the universe. it's all good. everyone we love joins us eventually, just as we join those who changed before us. (i'm guessing that once we change from this physical presence, we realize that it's everyone we're related to, and everything. and we love them all.)

i know it sound hokey to put it here...but there was this star trek show, called "deep space nine." in it was someone called 'oto.' he was a shape-shifter.

there was some kind of "linking pool" (?) on his planet, and all of his kind would enter it, and connect with all other shape-shifters on their planet.

well...i think that's what we all are: rocks, birds, cats, clouds, dirt, people, etc - shape-shifters, of sorts.

we change, and change, and change, again. but in the end, we're still all a part of each other, no matter what we have changed into.

we only think we're alone, because the ties are invisible to our eyes. your loved ones need to worry about you, just as you need to worry about them. bad times remind us that we need each other. they remind us that we are loved.

BT said...

Oh Renee, I feel so guilty that I have been neglecting calling in on you and that is pathetic. I am so sorry but of course so happy that you are stable. That is wonderful news. I won't forget to call again.
xxx