Wednesday, 18 June 2008
If you give a hoot, listen up.
Flashbacks From The Month Of June
June 4, 2001
*Because it would be painful to hold on to pain, I don't hold on to it at all. Basically I don't even touch it.
*I definitely need to control events when it is chaotic or unpredictable. I do it in a very detached (almost out of body experience) way, where I can put myself in a place where I can organize any required actions. I handle these situations myself and almost as if they were happening to someone else.
*I definitely have the gift of gab and I can use words really well. As a matter of fact, I love words that are strung together well. I use words to get what I want from people, by time they give me what I want, it is what they want as well.
*Being married and raising a family, I let myself slide so far back on the list of priorities that I honestly don't know myself to a great extent.
*A thought I carry that makes me insecure is that people judge overweight people. I am overweight, so are they judging me?
June 11, 2001
*My dream career would be to work in the field of education, to be a mentor or a teacher.
June 16, 2001
*Major beliefs that have shaped my life are to love one another; treat others as you want to be treated; do not judge; if you have something nice to say to someone then say it; no one is better than you and you are no better than them; and there but for the grace of God go I.
*I think my calling on earth is to try to reflect God in the things I do.
*The person (if I had to chose only one) I most trust is Wahid. He has earned my confidence by his steadiness, loyalty, and thoughtful presence.
June 24, 2001
*I am thankful for Wahid in my life because he is the kind of man I want my son to become.
June 16, 2002
*I think my passion is lightness of spirit. My passion is to be carefree. Deep down I must be the person who wants 'happy ever after.'
*If this were my daughters or my son I would tell them 'unload the things that are weighing you down.' Give them there five minutes and either fix them (if you can) or let them go. Try to have the lightness of heart that you want.
June 23, 2002
*I would probably not feel right telling anyone anything; not because of them, but because of me. This is one thing I would like to change. I have enough confidants and they are trustworthy. This is a weakness on my behalf. I have never regretted a confidence I have made. One thing I have discovered about sharing things with people is that the people really come through and make you feel better. When friends reveal things to me, I am very supportive about them. I am not uncomfortable when friends disclose intimate details. The strangest thing is that when people tell me anything, I never judge them, nor do I think less of them. So why do I feel that they would judge me or think less of me. Am I giving too much credit to myself and none to other people. Do I think I have to pretend I am infallible?
June 4, 2003
*One set pattern of action we have is supper. Supper at 5:00. Say Grace. Tea after meal.
June 3, 2004
*Even when my body was great, I thought it wasn't. I need to work on accepting myself the way I am. Lip service. I give myself nothing more than lip service.
June 28, 2004
*Actually started having fun. Colette put on a Jack & Jill shower for Don and Angelique, and we had an amazing time. Thank you so much, it meant the world to me. Life is a blessed thing.
June 1, 2005
*I am sitting at a desk in the Crowne Plaza in Ottawa. Nadalene is a Director on the National Board of Canada for Lupus. I am so proud of her for giving of her energy and time to such a worthwhile cause.
*I love being with Nadalene and I love being alone to see what I can do on my own. I need to learn to empower myself again.
June 2, 2005
*In Saint Patrick's Basilica they had a prayer card for aborted babies to the Saint of them and I thought that was really weird. For some reason to me it totally (card) did not seem Cahtolic. It looked born-again.
*When I opened the book from Angelique, there was an envelope with $40; $20 for me and $20 for Nadalene telling us to have a great time. Makes me close to crying because I wish she was with us.
June 15, 2005
*Nadalene is such an amazing person. How happy I am that I am lucky enough to be her mother.
June 1, 2006
*Maybe joy and pleasure are something you bring with you. You don't get them -- you have them. This rings true to me.
*If I stopped trying to avoid emotional pain I would face what I'm afraid of, I would overcome th situation or at minimum the 'fear of.' I would see that placing myself at risk of exposure is not so scary. Risk of what -- looking foolish; so what.
June 7, 2006
*I usually deal with disappointment by swallowing it, ignoring it, or putting an action to it. I usually bounce back with enthusiasm and never fall with a thud. I can definitely feel like a victim when I'm disappointed, it is a total waste of time. Right now I am licking my wounds of dealing with cancer. I know I am in the most important fight of my life, but I can move forward. I have put my hand in the hand of God.
June 11, 2006
*I want to be free of cancer. I need to remember that there are success stories, but right now I find it hard to believe for myself. I need you God.
A little reminder to myself that life is good after all.