Tick Tick Tick

Tick in my pocket even when I don't have one. Tick in my ear even when I'm not listening. Tick under my pillow even when I throw it to the floor. Tick in the shower mixed in with my shampoo.

TICK TICK TICK. CAN YOU HEAR ME?

Yes, I hear you, now shut the fuck up. Our agreement was that even if I ignored you, I would hear you. The agreement was that only I would have to hear your tick. I thought I was the sacrificial lamb. My understanding was that my husband and children would never have to hear you all the day long. I hoped that if I could never get a break from you that they possibly could.

Tick in the diaper bag. Tick in the red purse. Tick in the schoolbag. Tick in the thermos.

I am the one with the bombs strapped to my body. I am the one whose shoulders are so tense that they now hang around with my ears. Why isn't that good enough?

Why are you such a masochist, why do you need to break my family while you are breaking me?

Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick Tick. Shut-up for Christ's sake. Just shut-up.

My family needs me and I need them. We smother each other with hugs and kisses and we still want to hang out and ask each other lots of interesting and important questions. I know that won’t last long, I told you I can accept that. I just don’t want my children to be constantly under the tick with me. This I find very hard to accept.

The time I have with my children is swishing past at an alarmingly fast rate and your constant ticking in our heads does not make us appreciate each other all the more. We are unlike the families that I hear about in stories of cancer where the people with cancer appreciate their families and now see that the sky is blue and that birds really can sing. You don’t realize that your ticking is nattering to a family who always appreciated each other. Where we come from the skies have always been blue and the birds have always sung.

I know the fuse has been set, I know the timer is ticking. I can accept that. But what I cannot accept is that you are trying to strap yourself to my children’s bodies too. They are off limits. DO YOU HEAR ME?

Tick Tick Tick