Round And Round

It seems so human to me that when I put a particular month’s journal entries together that nothing really changes from one year to another. They all really consist of the same themes.

Flashbacks From The Month Of November

November 9, 2001

*Some achievements to celebrate are a fantastic Halloween Dinner, being optimistic no matter what, raising confident children, hanging-in regardless, passing on what I know, paying off debts, and being happily married after 26+ years.

*I believe that the things that stop me from achieving my goals are internal and not external.

November 11, 2001

*My definition of success is not about money or career; it is definitely about personal, mental, family success. It is success in the sense that you bring something good to the relationships you have with other people, especially to the people who know you best, i.e., your family.

*I am living my own ideas about success, and in a way maybe that is why I feel successful, because I am basing my success on my measuring stick and not on someone else’s.

*Models of success to me are: My Dad is a model of success for his optimism and humour. My Mom is a model of success for her love of her children as well as her fairness. Jacquie is a model of success for her thoughtfulness of others and her warm and loving ways and for her ability to love my children as if they were her own. Angelique is a model of success for her courage in facing a terrible disease, but mostly for her compassion and non-judgmental attitude towards others. Nadalene is a model of success for her excellent and non-ending work habits, as well as the ability to set goals and achieve them, along with her ability to stay on course and not get distracted. Nathan is a model of success for his self-confidence, athleticism, and his ability to make me laugh. Wahid is a model of success for overcoming a childhood where you weren’t taught to have confidence in yourself, but mostly for being the most wonderful husband and father anyone could be. He is honest, loyal, hardworking, dependable, and intelligent.

November 15, 2001

*I am comfortable with physical expressions of intimacy. I support myself, but not quite whole-heartedly because the capacity for intimacy is based on self-acceptance and I don’t accept my physical body completely. I am overweight.

November 17, 2001

*If I ever experience envy (rarely) it would not be to a person, but that person’s money and what freedom it gives to them and their family.

November 21, 2001

*Family to me means family by blood; emotional family; and how these are the people that can make you the most miserable but on the upside, they are the same people who can pull your strings for good or bad. They are the people we have certain rights to expect, obligations to fulfill, joys to share, privileges to give and take, as well as burdens that are too heavy to bear; they can try to give us what we need in support. Some do this not at all, some half-way, and some do and fulfill this with all of the best intentions. Jacquie of course comes to mind when I think of the best intentions and so does Colette.

*It is not that I wish the ties were tighter or looser because when you are a member of a large family it seems as though the ties are always shifting. Sometimes you are closer to some and then it can change and you will be closer to others.

*In the movie of my family I am the 8th child, with another five children after me. Relatively close knit family with some of my favourite memories revolving around Christmas. Even with a full house we were able to do what we wanted. It was as though even if the house was crowded to the rafters we were welcome to join in with everyone or if we desired be left alone to do our own thing.

*I think in a lot of ways I was the child who was designated ‘smart.’ My children are also considered to be ‘smart.’

*I can be the peacemaker, but I can also be manipulating.

November 3, 2002

*The routines that make my life worthwhile are dinner with the kids and Wahid, sleeping in bed with Wahid, talking with Nadalene, hugging and making that sound on Nathan’s neck.

*What I’m most proud of in my life are my children. Nathan just wrote I LOVE MOM.

*Things I don’t know for sure are how to get along with all my siblings on a real level; where my real talents can be best used; and where I’m going to be in 20 years.

November 10, 2002

*Christmas stress. Remind myself that the holidays may have been so wonderful in my childhood because I had no responsibility for making the magic. Have grown-up expectations and I won’t be disappointed.

November 4, 2003

*I told Wahid about what I wrote in the journal about David S. and him, and we both had a good laugh over it. I can’t believe that when I wrote that I actually believed it.

November 17, 2003

*To me, excellence means achieving goals you have set with amazing attitude and perseverance, but even more it means the quality of a person’s spirit, the kindness, the goodness, and the empathy one feels for other people around them. Three areas of my life I would rate myself as excellent are in parenting, making our house a home, and listening.

November 27, 2004

*I am completely rambling in my head this morning. Kind of a blah blah day. Colette and her friends came shopping yesterday and I went with them. I totally wish I hadn’t. Big waste of time. They are all very nice. I’m just bored with everything unless I have my head in a book.

*I had cataract surgery on November 17th and everything is great. Amazing difference in vision.

*Looking at the words ‘heartfelt joy’ and don’t know what they mean at all. I (right now) feel neither of those.

November 28, 2004

*I am totally in a funk and have been for over a month. I just don’t feel any connection right now. Christmas is approaching and I also feel people are getting older and can die soon.

*Hurry up and connect and I still don’t. Even though I have a feeling that NOW is the time and I will regret this wasted time later.

*I wish I had made better choices in life. If wishes were horses beggars would ride.

*I suffer from connection overload so I never crave it. Mind you, it is never a deep connection and I’m sure I must crave that. I so never have that, that if I ever even did I don’t know what it would be like. I am my own worst enemy. On the other hand I know I want my children to have it with a partner and each other.

*My main squeeze would be Wahid, although not at the moment.

Flash Forward

Change is a conscious choice and if we want it than we need to make that decision and act. Otherwise we go in circles year after year repeating the things we wanted to be different.

It is also comforting to have the same themes in your life such as family and love.