Tuesday, 24 February 2009
Fables I Tell
On a cold winter day in February I was told I would die sooner than later.
Flashbacks From The Month Of February
February 14, 1998
*Wahid bought shrimp to make me a valentine dinner. Yummy!
*Nadalene is flying to Amsterdam today; she will be there for five days. It would be so nice to start all over and to go to all these places. I think Angelique must be on her way home because she said she would be home Saturday or Sunday. Of course I hope Saturday. Nathan got so many valentine presents from Natalie that you would have thought it was Christmas.
*My tulips that I got from Angelique for valentines have opened up to (no joke) the size of my hand. They are beautiful.
February 28, 1998
*Mom and Dad’s 53rd anniversary and Natalie’s 17th birthday.
*Wahid and I went to Maximes for lunch ($15). I think that was the first time in 22 years we spontaneously just went out and it was great.
February 2, 2004
*I’m in my future.
*Wahid and I went to see Lord of the Rings on Saturday and then went out for supper for Thai food. I really enjoyed myself.
*On Friday, Angelique, Nadalene, and I went to meet with the florist to arrange for flowers for the wedding, July 17th will be here before I know it.
*So far 2004 is a year of travel for the Khan family. Wahid went to Trinidad on January 1st. Nadalene went to Cuba on January 6th, and Nathan went to Germany on January 17th. Angelique, Nadalene and I are going to Banff for a Leadership Challenge on February 12th.
*I just wondered what is inside me. I list events but not feelings. I know I am at peace, but am I stagnant? I feel happy. Run with that….. Weird.
*This year I will know Wahid and he will know me. I will do this by changing unproductive behaviours/traps. We will go out together, talk to each other, and love one another.
*My oldest daughter is getting married to a wonderful man ‘Don.’ This makes me feel that I want my marriage to be all it can be.
*My marriage is great but I know that if I really gave myself to it and didn’t hold back so much it would even be better. I want to know Wahid’s soul.
*An inner strength I need to unleash is an ability to change. Comfort is great, but change is needed when the comfort is unhealthy, i.e. eating habits/food choices; inactive/sitting. Maybe too much of a good thing really is too much of a good thing. The smallest change in perspective can transform a life.
*In some ways I have outgrown my life. My friends and siblings and parents can bore me.
February 11, 2004
*I think I am the real thing. I definitely have sides of me where I’m not as authentic (God, I hate that word) as I need to be, but that is me too. So, yes, I am the real thing.
*My love and attention need to be a little less on the children and a little more on Wahid; a little/lot less on housework/dinners and more on family and friends. Maybe need to read less! Yikes!
*I do not envy people who have true love. They would have nothing I don’t already have. I do need to build on the love I have for Wahid more by concentrating more on us, and less on the kids. The kids are older and are all fine.
*I need to make the transition from mother to wife. Make us as a couple important. Real love means to me – mutual respect, wanting the other person to be as fulfilled as you are.
February 1, 2006
*Ultrasound and biopsy.
February 8, 2006
*Dr. Gillespie gives me positive results for Inflammatory Breast Cancer.
February 9, 2006
*St. Boniface calls me to start a file.
February 12, 2006
*Start my periods.
February 13, 2006
*St. Boniface called and I went in for a blood test.
February 15, 2006
*Wahid and I meet Dr. Grenier (my oncologist) for the first time. I have questions and a recorder to tape conversation.
*Dr. Grenier tells me that Dr. Shojania (my hematologist) is going to come in right away to do a bone marrow biopsy. My blood counts are a concern at 80 and 87. He extracts bone marrow and needs three samples but is only able to get two; he tells me I have too much fat on my body.
*I get more blood tests and one is for a cross match for a transfusion. My blood type is A positive.
*Dr. Grenier tells me that at the end of January my platelets were 166 and that they are now at 80.
February 16, 2006
*Went in for a blood transfusion to receive two bags of blood. After nine attempts on arms and hands they call Dr. Shojania and he tells them ‘Keep trying, she has to have that blood.’ They finally get the needles in my feet after three tries. Wahid is holding my hand and I am just crying.
February 20, 2006
*CT scan on neck, chest, and abdomen. Once again can not get needle in for dye and told that they would need to keep trying. Gets it in on the sixth try while I just sit there crying.
February 21, 2006
*Went in for PICC with Dr. Brown (later see on TV being tried in Florida for child pedophilia) by ultrasound, he did it three times and it did not go in. Very discouraged and arms bruised with pockets of blood up to my elbow. The nurse tries to talk to me but I can’t answer because I feel like such a failure; she pats my back.
February 22, 2006
*Dr. Grenier tells me that the cancer is Stage 4 and it is in my bone marrow, bones, lung, breast, and skin. Completely shocked. Angelique brought us all alive again with her knowledge and wise words. Went for a bone scan in nuclear medicine (again cannot get needle in).
February 24, 2006
*Went in for PICC with Dr. Lawrence and it was in within minutes. He was a fantastic guy.
*Started chemo (Docetaxel = Taxotere).
February 4, 2007
*My kids have become a lot closer to Colette this past year. I know it is because they see how much she is there for me. Jacquie of course is beyond the beyond.
February 5, 2007
*I went and bought some baby things yesterday.
February 7, 2007
*Bummed out today as noticed six new cancer spots along my lower back.
*Exciting! Angelique, Don and I went to get their baby furniture and it is absolutely beautiful. They bought a sleigh crib and a sleigh dresser in antique white. They also bought a yellow and white glider.
*Angelique, Nadalene and Nathan are made of the most incredible strength!! Incredible. Loving, caring, compassionate, wise, open, helpful, sympathetic, generous, and strong. I really would not be where I am spiritually and emotionally if it were not for them. They are my best support group. They reflect back to me that Wahid and I must have done lots of things right. I love you all so much!
*Mom and Dad have been wonderful and have not tried to minimize my disease. By seeing it for what it is keeps me strong because I don’t feel that they have tried to keep me under a gag order. We are able to keep it real.
A pivotal time that changes a life. My world has changed and it has hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. I coped by putting one foot in front of another, as well as denial (denial can be a very good thing). Maybe denial is not the right word, after all chemo was happening and you cannot ignore that, no matter how you try.
I tried to see the chemo as a positive, like suffer now with chemo, but in the long run save you life and give you more time. I do not see this change as an opportunity of any kind. This does not redefine me nor do I see this as a positive in any way. It does not make me stronger; as a matter of fact it lessens who I am.
*artwork by Rima from the Hermitage