Times Three No. 5

I am beginning to believe in nothing. I know that if you pray hard enough you will never be answered. I know if you want something badly enough it will never happen. But I just can’t help it; I pray anyway.

After all; a sucker is born every day.

I may be wrong on the days of the week as time is just a jumble right now.

Sunday

Mom is out of the hospital, she is feeling so much better and I am thankful.

Monday to Thursday

Mornings spent in the hospital with Sheldon. Nathan spends the afternoon and early evenings with him. Sheldon is super incredible; he is up walking and feeling good. He is hopeful that the worst is over and he will be on the road to recovery.

Sheldon makes me laugh everyday. The doctors love him, the nurses love him, our family loves him, I love him.

Hospitals are full of strange happenings.

I am waiting for an elevator on the 5th floor and a man in a hospital gown is walking up and down the hall with a cell phone in one hand, a catheter attached to his penis, and a pee bag in his other hand. He keeps swinging the phone hand and the pee bag hand which lifts up his gown and pulls on his catheter. All I can think is ‘give it up already.’

I wander from floor to floor in the hospital because I forget where I’m going half the time. Mom was on the 5th in three different rooms, Jacquie is on the 5th at a different hospital back in her original room with a pit stop in between. Sheldon was on the main, then the 4th and now the 7th where he has been in two different rooms.

There is an elderly woman at the end of the hall where she is walking every time I go. She has long grey hair and looks only a little older than me. I ask her if she remembers her room and she is not sure. I always get the nurse.

Monday to Thursday

Jacquie tells me the doctor came in and told her of the other biopsy. It is a Grade 4 tumor and it originated in the brain. It will not leave the brain. She will have radiation and chemotherapy by pill form and the tumor will grow again. It is located in the worst part of the brain where her movement is located. They do not feel that she will have her motor skills at all in the left side of her body.

Jacquie tells the doctor that she understands that this will be the end of her, but until it truly is the end she plans to live each day to the fullest until it is her last. ‘Now come in the picture I want to take a picture of you and I.’ He does and smiles for the camera.

Kayla comes to see her Grandma and sits with Jacquie; she too gets her picture taken with Jacquie and the doctor.

I am crying and Jacquie tells me over and over ‘Renee, it is fine. Seriously, it is what it is and I am fine with it.’ I tell her that she is fine with it, but I’m not.

Spend the evening with Jacquie. Angelique makes a Caesar salad that Jacquie wants and then Jacquie, Angelique, Nadalene, and Mickey and I have a little party.

Thursday

It is pouring rain and Nathan and a friend pick up all of Sheldon’s furniture from his apartment as he will not be returning there after the hospital.

Friday

Go downstairs and almost have a shit-fit as I see furniture and stuff all over my main floor. Because Nathan couldn’t get into Jacquie’s he brought it home. It is now in my living room.

At 8 a.m. I yell down to Nathan ‘Why the fuck did you bring all of Sheldon’s shit here?’ He tells me he couldn’t get into Auntie Jacquie’s because the doors were locked.

Pete and Matt come and get the furniture in their trucks and take it to Jacquie’s.

Jacquie, Ben, Mickey and I have an appointment with Jacquie’s Radiation Oncologist at 1:30 at Cancer Care.

At 10 a.m. Ben phones and tells me he is rushing to St. Boniface to see Sheldon because of a phone call that Sheldon has an infection. He picks me up on his way.

The doctor tells us that Sheldon has an infection and will start antibiotics. His hemoglobin is down to 67 and he will need a transfusion.

I kiss Sheldon goodbye and we go to get Jacquie to take her to her appointment.

She is dressed and looks beautiful. She is ready for battle and knows what is ahead of her.

The Radiation Oncologist discusses her treatment. He says that Jacquie is young, bright, has a good memory and is very alert. He says that she may not get movement back in her left side. Jacquie says they don’t know who they are dealing with and she will get movement back, as a matter of fact she stood in physio five times the day before. (And will eventually show us all that she will stand again three more times when we take her back to her room. It is wonderful to see her standing upright again.) Also she has some movement in her left hand.

Jacquie will get fitted for a mask for radiation next week and will have 30 rounds of radiation. She will also start oral chemo and will be very tired. She wants to be drugged to the max as she is claustrophobic.

Jacquie is going to war and really doesn’t give a shit what they do to her, she is 100% focused on getting to Sheldon and helping him. That is Jacquie’s goal. I almost don’t give a shit either, I just want her to go and make Sheldon feel better.

To help Jacquie in her goal Ben and Joey are contacting people to get Jacquie transferred to St. Boniface. It works; she should be transferred early next week.

Jacquie is dressed up so instead of going back to her room we decide to go for lunch and we are all thinking comfort food.

Jacquie has a Sal’s nip and fries, Ben doesn’t eat, Mickey has fries and gravy and a piece of carrot cake and I have a salmon sandwich and crackers and humus. Ben is laughing that Auntie Mickey told the lady she didn’t want the piece she handed her, but a bigger piece with more icing. We all laugh at our eating habits and they say at least I am eating healthy; I have to come clean and pull out of both my left and right coat pockets two butter-tarts. We have an even better laugh.

Jacquie is back in her pajamas and in bed. Her favourite nurse has just helped her. His name is Carlo and he is a total doll. He told Jacquie that he admires her immensely and finds her strength incredible and that her attitude is amazing considering what is going on. He then asked if when she gets transferred if he would be able to come and visit her at St. Boniface. How incredibly nice some people are. Jacquie is the type of person who brings out the best in everyone.

Jacquie, Mickey and I are all talking. I am crying thinking of the whole fucked up day and Jacquie is rambling on about something. I don’t even know what Mickey is doing.

Then I hear Jacquie say ‘Yeah, I don’t even know what they are doing on Mars? How can they be on Mars for days when they can’t even get me across the city to St. Boniface? Who gives a shit if there is life on Mars?’

I awake from my stupor and say what are you talking about Mars for? As far as I am concerned the only thing I could give two shits for about Mars is if they can take you and me tomorrow and cut off our heads and stick them up our asses and feed them to Martians so that Sheldon could be cured. For some reason we all choke with laughter. See how tired we all are. Mickey and Jacquie are hysterical with laughter.

Driving home Mickey tells me how her and Gord saw at least a dozen sniffers on Main Street and how she wished the sniffers could die and we could live. I double that sentiment.

Nathan comes home from visiting Sheldon and says that he is getting more blood transfusions.

Nadalene goes to the hospital and stays with Sheldon till 1 a.m. Sheldon finally falls asleep.

Saturday

I wake up almost every hour thinking and worrying about Sheldon. I am at the hospital at 7:30 a.m. Sheldon is cold and clammy. I keep getting him warm blankets. His tube in his throat keeps falling out. There are surgeons coming in and out all day. Sheldon is hurting and they need to increase the pain meds.

The hematologist comes in and says his blood is now at 77. They don’t know why it keeps going so low. They think it may be the infection. There are some bubbles in the tube, is it air or is it a leak?

Sheldon tells me about a letter his Mom wrote and read to him over the phone. It has made him happy. Jacquie tells me over the phone the letter she wrote to Sheldon and it makes her cry.

It is a hard day. A very hard day.

Angelique and Ben come, so I leave.

Not once, not even once have I ever asked ‘Why me?’ When people would ask me ‘Why you?’ I would say ‘Why not me?’

But this is too much.

Nadalene said that with A.J. and Sheldon being diagnosed with cancer within days of each other is like a person being struck by lightning.

There is no rhyme or reason there is only chaos. And chaos rules the day.