Monday, 29 June 2009
Recollections Of Other Corners
How our thoughts would be so different if we knew what was waiting for us around the corner, if we knew then what we know now.
Flashbacks From The Month Of June
June 4, 2001
*It is very easy for me to let go of my desires, harder for me to let go of resentment, anger, and easy to let go of my frustrations. I think I probably hold on to pride somewhat to make myself feel good about anything I can be proud of.
*I am spontaneous, but not creative. I definitely deny things about situations that are serious, such as illness, if it was a slight against me or nothing that would mean anything, I would not be in denial, I just wouldn’t care less.
*I use words to encourage people. I use words to complement people. I use words to get a message across. I believe that people around me are positively affected by me.
June 11, 2001
*It is unhealthy to keep giving up on myself – almost as if I wasn’t worth the effort.
*I show Wahid that I trust and support him by touching him every day – our hands will touch, we will touch, I believe this comforts both of us. It is a steady, consistent love that I know is and will always be there.
*I depend on myself to fix my life. I have great instincts and I believe myself to be very intuitive. I trust myself.
June 16, 2001
*Five things I would not change about my life are being married to Wahid; having children; coming from a big family; being a reader; and being compassionate.
*Five memories I am most grateful for are:
Angelique and I going alone on a trip to Trinidad and she was so excited – I can actually see her face right now.
Nadalene playing hairdresser and exercise teacher with me and Wahid – the cutest thing is she took it so seriously. Nadalene has always actually envisioned what she does so well, that we almost believed we were in a hairdresser’s shop.
Nathan and I going every Saturday morning to rent a Nintendo game and to get hockey cards – he always said we were going on our date and he would hold the car door open for me and say ‘after you Madam.’
Being a little girl watching Mom, Dad, Nana, Uncle Matt, and the older kids playing poker every Sunday night.
Whenever the new Sears catalogue would come before Christmas, Mom would call me to her bedroom and let me sit on the bed with the blankets over me and I would get to take the catalogue out of the paper and look at it for hours. I was always the first to open it and Mom would give me her ‘medicine’ which was a Black Magic chocolate.
June 21, 2001
*The good things I’m overlooking in my life are I’m alive; my family; nature; and every day.
June 16, 2002
*Words and pictures that appeal to me are: fairies; happy; dreamy; gardens; black and white; kilts; lovers; water; sky; elephants; giraffes; teenagers; hope; joy; peace; God; Christmas; Sweet Prince; Snow White; planets; and kisses and hugs; and Good Night God Bless You.
June 9, 2003
*I prefer that Wahid really love me the way he loves me, rather than the way I would love me if I were him. I’m not wanting and expecting the wrong thing, but I am failing to recognize what he gives me. Sometimes I think I want something from him that he just doesn’t have.
June 3, 2004
*My body is a victim of wishful thinking.
*I think I treat my body like a pack mule. Just put up with whatever and take it.
June 17, 2004
*The question I wanted answered at the beginning of these personal reflections was to see if I have grown as a person. The answer of course is not as simple as one may think. I have grown and I have not grown. I am strong and weak. Secure and insecure. Happy and not so happy. Satisfied and dissatisfied. Maybe this is what it is to be human, to be a mixture of all of these things and more at the same time. Feeling one way and then the other way seconds apart. Anyway overall I do not feel I have grown as a person.
*I need dreams, desires, goals. I need to stop being disappointed in myself and to look at myself when I am disappointed in my family and see if I’m not just disappointed in myself by proxy.
*I need to stop being afraid to fail. So what, you fall – get back up.
*Learn to take risks. Do more things I enjoy and enjoy the things I do. Remember that comfort is not always a good thing. Status quo has nothing going for it. Be curious.
*Choose life over apathy.
June 5, 2006
June 7, 2006
*Surprised mostly to see the cancer has spread to my lungs and there is a tumor on my kidney. Bone scan showed problems in my shoulders, knees, and ribs. Palliative chemotherapy is how they describe my treatment. I know I have cancer. I know I’ll die.
*I am more resilient than I think. I have cancer and plan to survive it. I never realized how hard and how okay it is to face your mortality. There is such a ‘don’t want to leave my family’ and also a ‘peace’ or maybe a better word is ‘acceptance.’ And even then; acceptance as a last resort.
*Acceptance so that I can have peace.
*I have the best family and with their love and support I am able to still be true to myself (so far) in this battle.
*How funny that no matter what, you have to put one foot in front of the other.
June 11, 2006
*I love Colette.
June 18, 2006
*Now that I have cancer I know I’m surprised that I would have thought I had any real problems.
*I need to learn that health of the spiritual and mental is even more important. I can be ill and at the same time be well.
June 21, 2006
*Dr. Dubroska increased my Taxotere (chemo).
I’m around the corner now with more corners to go and you know what, my thoughts are relatively the same in the area of small concerns. They are different in the way that now I see how many of them are such a waste of time.
*artwork by Johanna Wright