How our thoughts would be so different if we knew what was waiting for us around the corner, if we knew then what we know now.
Flashbacks From The Month Of June
June 4, 2001
*It is very easy for me to let go of my desires, harder for me to let go of resentment, anger, and easy to let go of my frustrations. I think I probably hold on to pride somewhat to make myself feel good about anything I can be proud of.
*I am spontaneous, but not creative. I definitely deny things about situations that are serious, such as illness, if it was a slight against me or nothing that would mean anything, I would not be in denial, I just wouldn’t care less.
*I use words to encourage people. I use words to complement people. I use words to get a message across. I believe that people around me are positively affected by me.
June 11, 2001
*It is unhealthy to keep giving up on myself – almost as if I wasn’t worth the effort.
*I show Wahid that I trust and support him by touching him every day – our hands will touch, we will touch, I believe this comforts both of us. It is a steady, consistent love that I know is and will always be there.
*I depend on myself to fix my life. I have great instincts and I believe myself to be very intuitive. I trust myself.
June 16, 2001
*Five things I would not change about my life are being married to Wahid; having children; coming from a big family; being a reader; and being compassionate.
*Five memories I am most grateful for are:
Angelique and I going alone on a trip to Trinidad and she was so excited – I can actually see her face right now.
Nadalene playing hairdresser and exercise teacher with me and Wahid – the cutest thing is she took it so seriously. Nadalene has always actually envisioned what she does so well, that we almost believed we were in a hairdresser’s shop.
Nathan and I going every Saturday morning to rent a Nintendo game and to get hockey cards – he always said we were going on our date and he would hold the car door open for me and say ‘after you Madam.’
Being a little girl watching Mom, Dad, Nana, Uncle Matt, and the older kids playing poker every Sunday night.
Whenever the new Sears catalogue would come before Christmas, Mom would call me to her bedroom and let me sit on the bed with the blankets over me and I would get to take the catalogue out of the paper and look at it for hours. I was always the first to open it and Mom would give me her ‘medicine’ which was a Black Magic chocolate.
June 21, 2001
*The good things I’m overlooking in my life are I’m alive; my family; nature; and every day.
June 16, 2002
*Words and pictures that appeal to me are: fairies; happy; dreamy; gardens; black and white; kilts; lovers; water; sky; elephants; giraffes; teenagers; hope; joy; peace; God; Christmas; Sweet Prince; Snow White; planets; and kisses and hugs; and Good Night God Bless You.
June 9, 2003
*I prefer that Wahid really love me the way he loves me, rather than the way I would love me if I were him. I’m not wanting and expecting the wrong thing, but I am failing to recognize what he gives me. Sometimes I think I want something from him that he just doesn’t have.
June 3, 2004
*My body is a victim of wishful thinking.
*I think I treat my body like a pack mule. Just put up with whatever and take it.
June 17, 2004
*The question I wanted answered at the beginning of these personal reflections was to see if I have grown as a person. The answer of course is not as simple as one may think. I have grown and I have not grown. I am strong and weak. Secure and insecure. Happy and not so happy. Satisfied and dissatisfied. Maybe this is what it is to be human, to be a mixture of all of these things and more at the same time. Feeling one way and then the other way seconds apart. Anyway overall I do not feel I have grown as a person.
*I need dreams, desires, goals. I need to stop being disappointed in myself and to look at myself when I am disappointed in my family and see if I’m not just disappointed in myself by proxy.
*I need to stop being afraid to fail. So what, you fall – get back up.
*Learn to take risks. Do more things I enjoy and enjoy the things I do. Remember that comfort is not always a good thing. Status quo has nothing going for it. Be curious.
*Choose life over apathy.
June 5, 2006
*Blood transfusion.
June 7, 2006
*Surprised mostly to see the cancer has spread to my lungs and there is a tumor on my kidney. Bone scan showed problems in my shoulders, knees, and ribs. Palliative chemotherapy is how they describe my treatment. I know I have cancer. I know I’ll die.
*I am more resilient than I think. I have cancer and plan to survive it. I never realized how hard and how okay it is to face your mortality. There is such a ‘don’t want to leave my family’ and also a ‘peace’ or maybe a better word is ‘acceptance.’ And even then; acceptance as a last resort.
*Acceptance so that I can have peace.
*I have the best family and with their love and support I am able to still be true to myself (so far) in this battle.
*How funny that no matter what, you have to put one foot in front of the other.
June 11, 2006
*I love Colette.
June 18, 2006
*Now that I have cancer I know I’m surprised that I would have thought I had any real problems.
*I need to learn that health of the spiritual and mental is even more important. I can be ill and at the same time be well.
June 21, 2006
*Dr. Dubroska increased my Taxotere (chemo).
Flash Forward
I’m around the corner now with more corners to go and you know what, my thoughts are relatively the same in the area of small concerns. They are different in the way that now I see how many of them are such a waste of time.
*artwork by Johanna Wright
86 comments:
Hi. Thanks for visiting my Mad Tea Party. I'm wish you lots of strength and peaceful times :)
-Samantha
you are so beautiful and so brave...thank you for sharing your reflections.....i am humbled
G'day Renee! Well you were in a good place and a bad way all at the same time! Vey revealing of you. I don't want to know what's round the corner . . I mean I plan but if it happens fine, if it doesn't so what . . .I'm rather fatalilstic that way. But you? You look now . . three years later, you're still here to tell the tale you're still appreciative, loving, funny, still writing and bringing a little joy and inspiration to everyone! Pretty amazing person I'd say. And whilst we're all going to die .. any birthday after 35 is a bonus for me!
Dear Renee
thank you for this post.
I too am glad and thankful we are alive...I have realized it is a blessing to be able to walk...
Happy Days
Oh man I love these posts :)
'I prefer that Wahid really love me the way he loves me, rather than the way I would love me if I were him. I’m not wanting and expecting the wrong thing, but I am failing to recognize what he gives me. Sometimes I think I want something from him that he just doesn’t have.'
This one made my eyes moist. Sometimes we demand too much of the other, being friend or partner, offspring or nephew/niece without understanding that we are all our own particular individual. Thanks for such an honest post.
Greetings from London.
hmmm the part of bieng "satified and disatisfied" within moments of each other. Something I am familiar with, and still experience. I also think of it as part of the Human condition. I have enjoyed the sharing of your personal journal and thoughts, so different and yet so much the same....
Your posts show such innate strength and determination about you.
It's been such a pleasure reading them.
~Silver
Reflections
The more of YOU that you share the more I fall in love with you. I do not know who you are to me and I choose not to question it but I know this, I feel a love for you that is what I would imagine it would be like to love a single sister. You bring tears of HAPPINESS to my eyes, the tears are there because I feel so much love for you that it overflows out of my eyes. You mean the world to me 'little lover', you really do and I am so damn grateful and thankful that I found you.
You touch my heart in the most perfect way.
i love u
xsm
"Happy and not so happy. Satisfied and dissatisfied. Maybe this is what it is to be human, to be a mixture of all of these things and more at the same time."
very much so, I think Renee...
up and down don't exixt without each other.
"I can be ill and at the same time be well." ~ SPOT ON!
you're a star in my eyes Renee...
thanks for all that you share.
xx Ribbon
Thanks Renee again for sharing your life and love with us. You are a light in my life and I am grateful to be able to hear your story.
Lots of love, Cinta xx
What an insight into the mind of a self-actualized human being! Wonderful. My favorites are the entries about your family.
As for Wahid loving you if you were wahid ... the mind is a powerful thing. Imagine that!
You love Colette.
Your heart is a s big as the universe!
I remember those Black Magic chocolates. They were delicious. Do they still make them?
'I believe that people around me are positively affected by me.'
They are, Renee. Unequivocally.
A very moving, deeply meaningful post. Thank you - once again - darling girl.
"I am more resilient than I think."
This is so evident about you that at times it take smy breath away.
dear friend, i read this last night and was blown away. i knew already but what a forcing reminder that you have been a sage and angel among us long before cancer. if you are rolling your eyes at my dramatic wording, you can stop right there renee because that IS what you are. why do you think 241 people in blogland or whatever the # is are thankful for knowing you?
renee, ususually/often i swing by to say hello but don't comment until later, when i'm snuggled into leisure mode. so don't be tricked by the fact that this comment is long. it's not a comment on your post--haha--not yet.
i just had to stop by first to tell you that you are amazing and i matter-of-fact truly love you.
most sincerely
:)
kj
Thank you for your visit to our Tea Party. Constance is a lovely person and a good friend.
My Mother has been through four cancers and is now in remission.
I can feel your pain and admire your strength and your openness.
Thank you so much for coming to my Mad Tea Party. I have been reading your blog. You are a wonderful artist and writer. You have such a wonderful view on life and such great strength. Your words are so inspiring. :)mendy
Just wanted to wish you a great and fulfilling day with lots of happiness and things to do. As someone here else said, "You are a star in my eyes," so you are. Take care. God Bless You.
Morning, dear Renee! What a journey you have been on - and every day you pack your bag with an interesting mix of determined grit and sweet honey and board the damn train. :) Your reflections are such a gift to each one of us. I think about you every single day, and wish you sunshine. I love your remembrances of your children and yourself as a child. The points of light. xoxoxoxo Pam
Renee, I love your posts! You know that right?♥
I wish you would publish a journal outline, every day telling us what to think about and write about. I've tried to journal over the years and bored myself to tears. I just couldn't keep it up because I felt I had nothing of interest to say. I need guidance :)
Your thoughts are so wonderful and something to treasure for years and years!! Big hugs to you today and always,
Darla
Beautiful post, Renee.
So many things to think about and reflect on, as usual. You are such a THINKER.
love you,
julie
ps I asked my IT guy why you might be having trouble getting into my blog, and he said you need to delete your cookies? I guess your cookies are remembering the bad days. I did not know cookies could do that.
This is such a honest and touching post. Thank you so much for letting us have insight into your thoughts, they are very humbling.
Polly x
I Love you Friend..I thank every day you have come into my life...and I thank all I have learned from you...She is almost done with your gift (Sheeanna that is)...
Sonia xoxox
Renee, I have never know another person like you, so brutally honest with yourself...you have always lived in truth. Oh how you effect all those around you in a positive way! I believe that prayer and loving actions can change the heart of God, thereby, you have changed the course of the future...you have changed the worlds of all of use. I would like to say every word that Sweet Mango just said in her comment...I, too, am so in love with you. Deboran
I am so blown away by your honesty and openness. This was so amazing to read.
You are one of the wisest and strongest women I know, Renee.
I wish you lived 'round the corner so I could walk over and we could have fabulous 'bitch' sessions and talk for hours. Blessings, Peace, Healing and Love to you---
My dearest Renee! How come she can catch you and I can't? Do I have to make an appointment with you or do I have to sit on my butt to figure out when you are online?
Well, that is the way the luck of the draw goes. I am not going to be one of those pushy people who think that love is legitimate only when you had the chance to hug one another. That was the biggest mistake I ever made in my life - to be be bullied into doing something I am not prepared to do. I will regret that for the rest of my life.
AMEN..
Cancer ..has fixed my broken spirit
It has been a gift..and I am at peace.
Family and friends are everything to me
now.and I have the BEST.
prayers for you dear
Deena
"I believe that people around me are positively affected by me."
I believe this too! You are light love!
And others are forever better because of you and your Light!
Like a million conversations with a wise man.
Happy Monday Renee.
Love and huge hugs!
I love the Sears Catalog reference. (I also loved JC Penny catalogs, too.)
When I was a wee thing I used to immediately flip to the toy section in the back and imagine I could get all those toys. Although I knew my parents, er, I mean Santa Claus, could not afford most of them. It was the wishing and visualizing that always gave me hope.
See, you have a heart of gold. And I am right. I have to sit on my butt, in this case, lie on my back to catch you.
I miss you.
Yours truly,
Lunatic Amazon
Oh, about missing it by a day - I am convinced the angels are playing a trick on me. Hardy Har Har!
Good morning, dear Renee.
There is so much in this post, I don't know where to begin.
I think when you wrote: "Choose life over apathy," that struck me the most. So many of us take every day, every breath, for granted, until something terrible happens. Only then do we see the wealth of what we had before. I struggle with this myself, every day, even though I should know better.
I am always so humbled by your insight, openness, wisdom and generosity.
xoxoxxo
Angela
Ha! The angels are more powerful! I am in bed, my own bed! I will work the vampyre shift tonight. I am am the female vampyre. I work with a male vampyre but I think he prefers other male vampyres. Heheheh! Ooops. I am finishing my drawing for Illustration Friday which I started on the plane yesterday. Lucky you being able to talk to my dearest beloved! I wish I am that lucky!
Isn't it Renee? I found another Eric that does murals too. Did only Eric's get this gene?
Thank you Renee, what a nice thing to say.
xoxoxo
Ah I see. But she only does that with special people and you are mighty special to her!
My dear, we are all an alternating gamut of feelings. The proximity of death affects us in different ways depending on how near to it we are.
We realise our time is short and meaningless platitudes or quibbles about national concerns or neighbourhood issues seem such a waste of our time that our anger rises. When the portals start opening for us, we learn trust and a sense of home-coming hard to describe.
When I was sent back, I was quite resentful to be plucked from that 'Peace that passes all understanding' that I had experienced. It was so hard to be back here when, for the brief experience I had had, my real home was back there.
Renee, I wish you with all my bionically modified heart that which your heart most desires.
My love and understanding walk with you on a daily basis, just reach out and you will find a steadying rock beside you.
Thank you for caring about my sorrow, my brother was an exceptional person, generous to a fault, totally uncritical of others and always willing to extend a helping hand to those in need by giving them a job even if they had disappointed him. We all miss him.
wow. this is a very moving post.
thank you for visiting my little party this weekend. That painting is so pretty!
I like the way you write and the thoughts you share. Being humble mere humans I'm sure most of us can get hung up on less than worthwhile things. Part of the journey maybe? Going from point A to point B...sometimes it's scary to think of what's around the corner and sometimes I run right past the corner.
Mr. Polar Bear sends you warm blistery greetings from Va. He's a little torqued that you made him wear his flannel coat but assures me that all will be well when Fall arrives. Until then he will hibernate on my computer right over the ac vent and I can keep an eye on him. Love him.
xoxo
you are very much alive and i feel so grateful and honoured to be your friend. hugs and lotsa warm thoughts (not too warm, its scorching here in london) from me across the pond.
I love the picture - who did it, where is it from?
Hey Renee, for some reason these June recollections really hit me in a deep place. I am so ungrateful for what I have, too hard on everyone around me (including myself). Thanks for the mental spanking, hopefully I'll pull out of this funk.
Hi Renee,
Thanks for visiting my tea party and leaving the sweet comment. Also I would like to thank-you for what you are doing to make women aware of this type of cancer .
Your reflectings and thoughts are beautiful to read . My thoughts and prayers are with you. May the Lord be with you. Hugs.
~Myrna
I would say you have grown in a positive way Renee. You've been through so much, it is inevitable to grow wiser. You have a past rich in memories and love.
Now, will you embrace the future with hope and faith?
I'm in love with your thoughts, Renee. Some people, like you, just "get it" :)
Sigh…
Why is it that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people have doubt??? I love your musings and written word, especially the beautiful passage below;
*I show Wahid that I trust and support him by touching him every day – our hands will touch, we will touch, I believe this comforts both of us. It is a steady, consistent love that I know is and will always be there.
…Sigh
I sure enjoy reading your flashbacks ... thanks for sharing them.
thank you for visiting my mad tea party. It was a pleasure. And thank you for your blog. It's a Pleasure!
the first word that comes to my mind after reading this...sitting quiet while i feel my heart beating faster than normal and a slight lump in my throat...is WOW.
Simply WOW. You are such an amazing soul and i have learned quite a bit from reading your posts - i appreciate you, your rawness and your "you-ness"! xoxox God's blessings on you.
Renee, when l read your warning post last week, it made me wonder, who you are and who you were, if that had changed. but no, l don't think it has, you were born who you are.
i think your a good person renee,
i don't use the word good lightly, it has power as you do.
take care tea leaf lover.
Oh Renee, you are such a HUGE positive influence on everyone around you. Please do us all a favor and give yourself more credit - you are wonderful, you are a fighter, you are unabashed to say what you are thinking and not sugar coat it to seem PC. We LOVE that and we LOVE you :)
Hugs and prayers for a good day,
Meghann xoxo
Hi Renee, I love this post, full of past thoughts, hopeful with affirmations. I love the picture of the little girl reading on her tree, right beneath her tree house. We are all that little girl, wishing and hoping and praying.
Love your visits too.
Dear Renee,
thinking of you.
and just be glad you don't have those fucking spiders in your yard.
i love when you say har har har.
love,
lori
Dear Friend Renee,
Your words from your journals touches me deeply today, as all who read. THANK you for sharing yourself. It is helpful and that is obviously by the beautiful and numerous comments here today!!
Some of the things you wrote that especially touches me:
*I use words to encourage people. I use words to complement people. I use words to get a message across. I believe that people around me are positively affected by me.
*have grown and I have not grown. I am strong and weak. Secure and insecure. Happy and not so happy. Satisfied and dissatisfied. Maybe this is what it is to be human.
*I am more resilient than I think. I have cancer and plan to survive it. I never realized how hard and how okay it is to face your mortality. There is such a ‘don’t want to leave my family’ and also a ‘peace’ or maybe a better word is ‘acceptance.’ And even then; acceptance as a last resort.
*Acceptance so that I can have peace.
*I have the best family and with their love and support I am able to still be true to myself (so far) in this battle.
Thank you for your willingness to share your life with us Renee. Look how many people are encouraged by YOU and your essence!
Especially me!!
With Love,
Constance
you are the real deal renee. you make me laugh and cry at the same time. you make me care and feel and stay grounded and fly.
i think you have secret powers...
:)
xoxo
Renee, the journal posts that you share with us are so full of knowledge and wisdom. I think all of us
relate to your writings in some way. Thank you so much for sharing your determination and strength with us.
"I believe that people around me are positively affected by me."
You better believe it!!
Hugs,
very very interesting and good to remember
Lol- naughty bear!
Renee, I so love your honesty and your sincerity, I love your humor and the truth in things you say - how I laugh and cry my heart opens and breaks with every encounter we share. I love you,
Karin
It's almost midnight and I am now ready to work.
Thinking of you because I wore black tonight just like your your favorite vamp. :)
(((Hugs))) & Hearts <3 <3 <3
to you xox
Wow. That's an incredible post. And that picture at the top is divine. Is it yours?
Hi Renee,
I love to read the things you write and what a fantastic and brave Lady you are.
Wishing you peaceful days and blessings.
Love & hugs
Carolyn
Congrats...congrats! You've won the rabbit from my Mad Tea Party! Please email me your address when you have a mo.
ps Thank you for sharing more of your wisdom with us....I really appreciate it!
Great awareness Renee.
My heart is holding a special part of itself for you.
I have given you an award at http://quote-ching.blogspot.com
I'm not sure I'd want to know what was around the corner. Sometimes life can be so hard and so painful. It is that knowledge that makes the joyous moments that much sweeter.
You are brave to share your reflections and wisdom with the world. May you have a happy day!
My dearest Renee, wishing you a wonderful day. Take care love, I am off to bed! Tsup!*
Just a quick hello and hug from me while I'm on the road.
We're off to Wyoming for the next 2 days, different towns each night.
Lots to process~not unlike most people!
I'll be back to comment on this wonderful post when I don't have a schedule to keep.
love love love!!!
Lolo
Where oh where can my little Renee be? Off with your new lover? Praying that goes well. Sending you all my love, Deborah
Renee:
You know I was really trying to put things into perspective and to realize that "Recollections of Other Corners" are truly just that a "Collection of Corners” they seem to repeat themselves, show up in various forms and there is really just no way of seeing around corners or what is really coming next, in that other corner, I mean. Then it hit me, "I Love Colette"
"I Love Renee” Yes you are just brilliant.
Love you
Colette
Hi Renee,
Hope all is well.
Thanks for sharing another great writing!
Many Hugs!
Tammy
I'm glad you looked back at your words. Those same darn thoughts are still there, but it seems as if you are more aware of them now.
Thank you for your sweet words. It is brave to be open and important too.
One can merely grow and give to others, give, give especially at a time when you need. Somehow the circle is completed that way.
Just stopping by to say 'hi' - and to tell you that I love Johanna Wright (the artist in this post). I have a little painting by her in my kitchen. It is two little mice getting married. My husband bought it for me for our anniversary. I gave him a clue...I was very subtle...I pointed at it with my finger...and said, "I'd love this."
He took the hint. Clever boy. Hope you are in the sun sipping that batch of iced tea. xoxo Pam
Hi Renee,
Thank you so much for sharing this post with all of us. I am truly moved.
hello Renee !!!! it is realy great the way you right , we get involved and forget the time .
i like very much the art work of your friend too . good taste you have . but all the time i come here, i love the image of the profile .
Hi Renee....this was such a revelation and I love when you share your thoughts ...it really puts things into perspective...You have taught me a lot since I met you and I feel blessed to know you!!!
Thank you for that...
Hugs
Diana
Renee - I'm betting you can guess the first word I said when I saw that critter on my porch. Actually, maybe it was more than one word, I can't remember. LOL! They are just a teensy bit scary.
xo
Amazing, inspiring, wise and very, very REAL - as always.
Blessings to you!
I agree, be not afraid to fail, only afraid of never having tried. Geez I need to chant that sometimes...
Good taking stock post, we all need to do that sometimes. For the record, I think you are amazing and I love all of the joy that you share with your readers, friends and especially your family. *Hugs*
SG
You blow my mind time and time again. Always as I read through there are handfuls of quotes I want to quote back. The beauty is in your growth and in your sharing.
How blessed I am to have found you. How blessed I shall continue to be to read of you.
I understand mortality much more clearly fighting my own issues and show me it's okay to think my thoughts.
I appreciate you.
beautiful artwork.. inspiring words.. wonderful woman..
I'm showering hugs and kisses on you from across the world
Kath
xoxoxo
yes you have grownfrom a little girl who osed to love taking all her cloths off in summerintoayoung lady..and keep allthe good you would find in peopleyour not perfect ... but damn close...we will face the corners together...i dont want any negitiveityfrom you so never say your.. .lifehas been a wast ot time love mom
happybirthdaY
SHELLY
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