God

One year after I was diagnosed with cancer, these were my thoughts on God.

My God that I truly believe in is incredible.

When I was a child God was what I saw in my Catholic upbringing: God was definitely a man and he looked like the pictures or statues we saw. God had brown hair and a beard and he wore a long robe with sandals, he walked or rode on a donkey.

I thought the priests and nuns were holy and I would try to touch a nuns robe so that some of her goodness would transfer to me.

When I was older, but not as old as I am now, God was less physical and more spiritual. I have always loved God and see him as pure goodness. I mostly saw God as Jesus. I love Jesus’ philosophy so much. Now I see God as separate but connected to Jesus.

I believe that God is here for all mankind and that there are many paths to God, religious or non-religious. Now for me, it is not a person’s religion that matters, but a person’s spirituality.

Now that I am sick and with cancer, I believe in God more as solace for my soul. I see the randomness of the universe and the chaos around me so much more. God did not cause me to have cancer and he can’t make me better. But the great thing is I have him with me always and he helps share my burdens.

I love God so much and I don’t know how I can ever survive what I am going through without him. God is pure compassion and I feel the compassion and God makes me feel at home. I look to God always.

I do not believe in fate. I am here now and one day I will be gone. I will always be with God. I want a life hereafter. I want my family again.

Evil is in the world, randomness and chaos, inhumanity to man; the opposite of God and compassion and light. God does not control evil, but evil is much less than God. When you have God in you, you have conquered evil.

Prayer helps me and I still say my childhood prayers. Our Father, Hail Mary, I believe in one God, Angel of God, the 23rd psalm. These are all useful to me when I am having tests and treatments; they numb me and comfort me at the same time.

God is love. I aspire to love. I have experienced the veil between heaven and earth worn thin when I saw my children for the first time, in the clouds, in a snow blizzard with Nadalene. I have not seen enough of these thin places because I was not aware enough, nor was I living in the moment. I am going to do this now, and tell the kids to look too. How amazing it is to be aware.

Religious words for me are sorry, forgiveness, love one another, do unto others, judge not, bless, God bless you, Amen.

I wrote this in my journal over a year ago when I was in the hospital getting a blood transfusion. Nadalene had taken me to the hospital because my blood was at 57. I’m surprised now that I had the energy to write anything.

You all know that my friend Andrea died on Saturday leaving her young family of six children and her husband. Andrea’s youngest child is one month older than Josephine and her oldest child just graduated high school. When Andrea said that she just wished to die because the pain was too great (and how great the pain must have been to even consider leaving her children) I sent her a small note.

Dear Andrea:

Sometimes I pray to God knowing that I won’t be healed. I just want company and to be comforted by him.

If you can’t have the healing Andrea, I want you to have the comfort.

Love Renee xoxoxoxox

When things like this happen, I want to do two things simultaneously. I want to toss God out a window and hang on to him as tight as I can. I hate him and I love him. God gives me no comfort while at the same time comforting me.

Maybe these feelings come in to play because I hang on to the childish fantasy that God will make every booboo better. While rationally I know that is not God’s role.

God and spirituality are a common theme throughout my journal entries and I am sure I will write more. I don’t have any definite answers about God I just know that we (him and I) are in constant dialogue.

The other day Wahid asked me if I had any faith. Absolutely I said. My faith is the strongest part of me and it helps hold me together. Without faith, without my version of God I would not be able to get through my life.

Well today is a love day for God. Tomorrow may be a hate day. But altogether, the dialogue will continue.