Noodlings

Just some of my noodles with various kinds of sauce.

Flashbacks From The Month Of July

July 7, 2001

*I am so fucking miserable. Reinvention. It’s never too late to be what you might have been. My biggest mistakes or defeats have taught me nothing because I have never faced them, nor am I going to at this moment.

*Angelique is one person I know who has courage because she does what she needs to do every day. Even though she has an illness she doesn’t waste time feeling sorry for herself.

*Nothing is working in my life, not the me part of it, not the mother part of it, not the daughter part of it, nor the sister, aunt, friend, other person part of it.

July 9, 2002

*As far as savings I am a financial wreck and as far as planning for the future I am a penny pincher.

July 6, 2004

*My little girl is getting married. I should say my grown-up adult daughter, with the little girl alive and well within her is getting married. We are steadily getting ready for the wedding and are enjoying this time with all of its preparation and excitement. Everyday is filled with things to do.

*Yesterday, Angelique was fitted for her dress.

*Wahid wrote a beautiful poem for Angelique. She will love it.

July 8, 2004

*I’ve enjoyed writing in this journal. It is good to see that if you feel crappy one day, flip the page and see how happy you are.

July 23, 2004

*Tomorrow will be one week that Angelique and Don got married. They are now on their honeymoon in Portugal, Spain and Germany.

*The wedding was wonderful; the whole day from morning to night was truly one of the best days I’ve ever had. Angelique looked beautiful.

*I am 48 and I must have faith in myself. Know that I am good. Know that I am smart. Know that I am kind. Know that I am a good wife, mother, daughter, sibling, and friend. I know my essence/spirit wants to put out a bright light into the world. I am here for a purpose, to make the world better because I was in it. Love myself and believe in me. Validate my own self.

July 14, 2005

*Thank goodness I am on the upswing. I couldn’t stand Wahid, but now I love him again.

*I believe myself to be extremely self-reliant. When I have a difficult decision to make I trust my own instincts. I may discuss it with Wahid, Angelique, Nadalene, Nathan, or Jacquie but ultimately I trust myself to determine the right path to follow.

*Extended family members can sometimes make a meal difficult by wanting us to eat up their presence and expecting us to want more of the same for dessert.

July 14, 2007

*Expect the unexpected. While in our marriage, Wahid and I didn’t expect to have to deal with serious illness, especially early in our life. Angelique got lupus at 21 and it is hard to worry about your own child. But, I have always and still believe that she will be okay. Now as a couple we are dealing with me having cancer at 49 years old. Unlike for Angelique; I don’t believe I will be okay.

*However, like us as a couple we deal with it separately. How our marriage has worked since the beginning of time. Separate and go to your corners! Sounds like a boxing match, but there is no hitting involved and sometimes love even comes into it. Is my rotten mood showing?

*I don’t believe trials strengthen a bond; all they do is wear down the participants.

July 23, 2007

*Nadalene and Jacquie had a baby shower for Angelique and Josephine yesterday and the shower was wonderful.

*When I was 18 (33 years ago) I imagined my life in the future would have children in it; a home; travel; financial freedom; and that I would be even happier and more confident than what I was at 18. I would grow old; have lots of grandchildren; die at an old age; and Wahid and I would know everything about each other.

*My life is close and far to the vision I had at 18. Close to the vision: I have children; a home; and I have one beautiful grandchild (my Empress Josephine). Far from the vision: travel; financial freedom; be happier and more confident; I won’t grow old; and Wahid and I don’t really know each other.

*As a young person I wish I was given this piece of advice: Communicate what you have to say; don’t shut down. Talk to your important people.

*The best money we ever spent was buying a house. A close runner-up was our children’s education.

*The biggest waste of money that haunts me to this day is the vacuum cleaner we bought from a salesman who showed us the vacuum on Des Meurons. We were so young, I actually thought, and worse than thought – cared that he might think we were poor and losers if we couldn’t buy it. I had no confidence in Wahid and I. It was so wrong and that is why it probably still drives me nuts.

*The worst surprise about married life is the lack of laughter and communication. The fact that we are always together but don’t have companionship. I love Wahid lots though.

*The best surprise about married life is Wahid’s character.

*The worst thing about being a woman is handling all the family’s emotional responsibilities. Caring too much.

*The best thing about being a woman is having my children.

*At this point I believe there are dreams I won’t fulfill because I have cancer. I know it is so bad and will kill me; but I can’t help hoping I will see Nadalene and Nathan settled with their own families.

Flash Forward

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring and at this point, I am not focusing on it. All I do know is that yesterday I watched Angelique put together a kitchen for Josephine. I also know that if you had told me two years ago that I would be watching that cozy scene I would never have believed it. So perhaps I still have some noodles and sauce left in me yet.