Wednesday, 2 July 2008
It is a well established fact that you cannot be human and escape tragedy. I know that. We all know that. I don’t know if it is an established fact though that many people who live in pain from cancer would prefer to die just to get relief from their pain. I certainly am not at this point, but I know that Andrea is.
I am sitting here spiritually crushed because Andrea is in so much pain right now that she wants to die. In her own words “ASAP.”
I usually do not look deep into things. I take them as I see them. But, I am so heartbroken for Andrea and her family that I wonder if I am also not crying for myself.
This morning I have been so sore and have taken all my pills and then some. Have a neck roll around my neck to help push my shoulders down and hold my head up. Feeling nauseated because of too many pills. Crying because I feel sorry for my body and the pain I am in. It is mostly my shoulders and upper arms, but then again it is also my back, my neck, my feet, my fingers.
This brings me back to Andrea, and her pain. I know that compares to her my pain is nothing at this point. I would be lying, however, if I didn’t say that the level of her pain scares me. It scares me for what my future will look like. I know the power of now and I know I need to be here, but right now I am anticipating the future.
Andrea wants to go now and states that she wants God to forgive her for anything she has done. I on the other hand think she needs to forgive God for what she is being put through.
I always want what my friend wants. I know that she wants to die now, so that is what I want too, but I just can’t help wishing she could live a little longer pain free and be with her children.
I have always been a sucker for fairytales. Just now am I discovering that they are rarely true.