Tuesday, 24 November 2009

Things In A Head

I want to be oblivious again and I can’t. I have been robbed of my naivety.

Flashbacks From The Month Of November

November 11, 2001

*I do consider myself successful and I believe that if other people were asked if they thought I was successful, they would say yes.

November 15, 2001

*I don’t believe that I judge others. I am very accepting of people. I don’t need a lot of attention from the people in my life. I feel happy and secure if I am by myself.

*I can keep a confidence and can trust Wahid, my kids, and my sisters Jacquie and Colette.

November 17, 2001

*I can be a master of diplomacy. I like looking at pictures and I enjoy listening to music and people speaking.

November 21, 2001

*Today is Wednesday which is the day I do Mom’s laundry, take her for groceries, and then we go wherever she wants. Mom had to get a blood test and x-rays. Then we went back to her house and Dad made breakfast.

*I would like to carry on the tradition of celebrating Christmas on Christmas Eve.

*I am closest to my sister Jacquie. We nurture these bonds by doing lots of things together and talking almost every day.

*I do harbor some resentment today but may not tomorrow.

November 5, 2002

*When all else fails, I try something else.

*I regret that I didn’t have a better education. I’m glad I didn’t give up easy. I would never give up on my marriage or my children.

*I would like to know my self more clearly. I would love my parents more dearly. I would follow my soul more nearly.

November 28, 2004

*I can look over what is going on in my life and take action where action is needed to reconnect with myself and be less stressed. Get rid of emotional loose ends.

*Charity begins at home but it doesn’t need to end there.

November 15, 2006

*Dr. Dubroska said there was already a change to the breast and arm. She said it was early to see a change. Said my blood is low, but it is best to hold out for a blood transfusion as long as I can as I get blood from multiple users and therefore I am getting their antibodies.

November 21, 2006

*Blood transfusion.

November 29, 2006

*Bone scan.

*Talked to Father Ron at Holy Family regarding my funeral. I also talked to Father Ron about the ‘Anointing of the Sick.’ I think in the new year I will have this sacrament done. He said I could also have it performed closer to my death as it is basically the ‘Last Rites’ as well.

*I have to contact a funeral home as well and then I will write it all down for my family.

Flash Forward

Life is a real mixed bag.

Josephine and Domenic are all over Mom and she is getting lots and lots of hugs. Mom is laughing and loving it. We go home and Josephine and I are playing in the yard and decide that we will go off on an adventure. So we start marching and singing in the tune of we are the people in your neighbourhood. “We are on an adventure in the neighbourhood, in the neighbourhood……..” We march down the street and see fairy trees and Santas on roofs and snowmen and reindeer and a pink ball in someone’s yard.

Later in the evening I phone my Mom and Shelly says ‘Mom has just gone to the hospital in an ambulance. Shelly picks me up a half hour later. My Mom has COPD and will need to stay in the hospital for a while until she is feeling better.

There are no perfect days any more, just perfect moments.


Noreen said...

So sorry....

My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you and your family.

ToM KiDDo said...

Renee, don't give up and keep living your life..I believe that happy day will come back to you...

Have a nice day :)

Anonymous said...

I enjoy reflection, and reading your post today, made me think back on what I've done over the past month. And you are right, it's not about the disappointments in the big picture; it's about those little moments of happiness in between. Why is it that we always take those moments for granted. I need a vacation so I can reflect more. (Well, that and a Thanksgiving Turkey.)

You Canadians have already had your Thanksgiving, so I'll have some Turkey for you this Thursday.

Bizarre tangent: I've spent two Thanksgivings in London before, and the English refer to our Thanksgiving as 'The American Harvest Fest'. I think that's so much more classy. You know those Brits - always thinking, aren't they?

I hope your day goes well!

Artistic Accents by Darla said...

Oh Renee, I hope your mother recovers quickly! I'm so sorry.
You (and her) will remain in my prayers.
Love, Darla

Deborah said...

Blessed be God forever, blessed be His Holy Name. I call upon the power of the Name of Jesus Christ to look upon this Holy Family and fill their needs as only He can. With Your word you parted the sea; look upon this faithful mother of 13 and let her breathe.

All my love to you, Renee.
&hearts Deb

Annie said...

Oh Renee, you are so right, only perfect moments, and if I could only enjoy those moments like you do. Sending love and hugs to your mom and you. xoxo

yoborobo said...

Dearest Renee,

"There are no perfect days, just perfect moments."

Boy, that seems to say it all. I guess the trick it to hold those moments in our hearts, to help carry us through those imperfect days.

Love to you, my sweet friend, and my prayers to your mom. xoxoxo Pam

Linda said...

Things In A Head


Identify yourself with consciousness, not with the body which is only the vehicle of the mind's energy.

The greatest message of the world's belief systems is ...

"I, as I now know myself, am not the final form of my being."

This has always given me comfort.
You have such a beautiful mind. Its a good place to be.

xoxo right back at you

Michael Rivers said...

The perfecet moments are so special. Thanks for sharing such a personal post.

*jean* said...

you have such a beautiful, candid way with words, renee, and i agree, it is moments...thank you for sharing your journey...

we just bump along and enjoy the rides that don't bump too much here...we still have a little one to be care + full of...

my hubbie is 10 years older than i and we have already been bumping down some pot hole roads over the last few years...aging parents & very sick friends...i am the youngest of 5 and i am almost 50

...i try to envelop the every day activiities, smells, colors and feelings into my heart now...

lakeviewer said...

Beautifully expressed Renee, life is forever changing, everything around us is in flux.

Enjoy every moment that you can.
Love your spirit.

Debra Kay said...

Renee-you just gave me a perfect moment. Thank you.

Diva Kreszl said...

your words are so true...let's live for the Moments!

Diana Evans said...

it is amazing how many things can be in our heads...I love your reflection posts Renee!!! you again amaze me and always make me think and always make me striveto be a better person...bless your heart!!!


Angie Muresan said...

Dear Renee, I am so sorry for those moments that make you cry and be sad. And how brave you are! I cannot imagine how it must feel to go through all you do and still stay sane. Thinking of you, dear friend and sending prayers your way. HUGS!!!

deepazartz said...

I went thru a flashback Renee...
I started what I did and what I were during those days.
To me thats nothing new as I do think of past many a occasion...though I know we should live in the present, there are times when you u r bound by the past...you are forced to think of it.

God Bless You,Dear:)

Lori ann said...

dear Renee,
i'm sorry.
it's not fair.
i don't understand the why and the what of so many things that cause sadness, pain, illness...
but i do believe it really is all about the moments, maybe that's why i like photography so much, a moment in time so perfect and beautiful captured forever.
i hope so much your mom feels better soon.

Ruth said...

Powerful, powerful stuff.


Ces said...

Do you know that my first job as a nurse in the US was a Respiratory ICU nurse? Our patients had COPD, and other ailments of the lungs. I got to know my patients and their families very well because unfortunately they kept returning to the hospital. I see their faces in my mind. I hope your mother gets well soon. Breathing problems are very scary. I know and not just because I am a nurse. Love you doll! The word verification is "aunkind".

~Babs said...

I think the perfect days never really exist,,,,just some have more perfect moments than others.
And it's all good,,,,,,

Doris Sturm said...

I know you're writing these thoughts for your family and sometimes reading them makes me feel like somewhat of an intruder, a fly on the wall, if you will.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Renee - as aslways.


Marion said...

Yes, Renee, it's those perfect moments that we need to hold onto like super glue and not let the bad times steal them away. I'll be praying for your precious mother. Love, Hugs & Blessings...

Anonymous said...

اللهم يسر ولا تعسر

A prayer in Arabic that translates to (something like):
Dear God, facilitate my path and remove obstructions.

Many hugs to you Renee

Baino said...

You're so honest in your writing it makes me sigh. Not that you're honest but that you have to go through all this. I'm still amazed that you write about your funeral in 2006 and look, you are still here. Enjoy those few moments of happiness when they arrive, they help balance the hell in between.

Bella Sinclair said...

You said it so perfectly. There are no perfect days any more, just perfect moments. These tiny morsels of perfection become even more precious, and they keep us hanging on, waiting for the next one. I think of Josephine and Domenic and how you and your family are giving them long strings of perfect days.

Whoever the bastard is who is stealing our naivety, he's in for it when I find him.

Hearts and prayers for your mother and Jacquie. And you, my dearest.

Sophia said...

OMG, Renee! My heart is breaking incredibly for you here...tears falling down my cheeks here at work. Please, if there is ANYTHING I can do to bring you joy or lift your heavy, heavy load...do not hesitate to ask.

Love you so much! xoxo

kj said...

The little things?
The little moments?

They're not little....

Moon sister, I too believe calm will find you again.
Actually I'm pretty certain.

Some people and events change us forever .

That's happened to me through nowhere near what you've Faceod. I cry sometimes, but I am also overtaken by joy sometimes. Just like you.


Mim said...

You are so right with that sentiment, and it is so hard to remember to hold onto those moments. To find the joy in little daily things.
hope mom is feeling better, many prayers your way

rochambeau said...

I love reading your writing. I adore the person you are and were and are becoming. I appreciate your gift of openness. You help others to be open them self. I feel blessed to have you in my life.
Mary is smiling at your beautiful heart.

@eloh said...

The big picture is what counts. I think. To measure ones life in love you have given.

PurestGreen said...

My gran has copd and has just come out of hospital for the third time. It is a difficult thing. Tell your mom to cut out milk products if she hasn't already. Milk is mucus forming and is the last thing she needs.

Much love and positive thoughts.


clairedulalune said...

Life really is a mixed bag. Sending loving thoughts to you and your mother, Renee. (Hugs)

Sarah said...

I hope your Mum is ok Renee. Your reflections are interesting and I like what you said about perfect moments. And I can see you look, listen and speak!

Manon Doyle said...


I hope you mum gets better quickly!!

Our lives are made up of great little moments. We just have to remember to live them a moment at a time.


Anonymous said...

Thank you Renee for coming over to my site and visiting. I have meant to come here one thousand times.

My prayers are with you always even if you have thought, "Gee, that Darlene girl doesnt even care".. yes, she does.
You are able to visit so many blogs and I wonder how you do it?.. do you have a special blog site set up?.. I find it so hard.. looking for the blogs, then signing in to each. seem so hard..
Perhaps I haven't found a new fangled dealeo?
Hugs to you my friend.
Darlene xo

secret agent woman said...

Perfect moments are all we ever relaly have. Like snowflakes landing in our hands - stunningly beautiful and then gone. It's amazing that you can appreciate them in the midst of all the turmoil.

Wine and Words said...

That's really all we can count on...the moment we are in. And in reality, the difficult moments make the perfect ones all the more savory. Very insightful. Wishing you a wonderful Thanksgiving. XXOO

Chrisy said...

What a gift you give us dearest Renee when you publish your flashbacks...and forwards...we're there with you darling...in the exquisite fun filled moments...in the moments of anxiety and sadness...and we stroke your mother's brow and whisper...yes it's been a horrible year...but things are going to get better...just rest...don't worry about anybody else...you are loved...and everything is going to be okay...

Margaret Ann said...

OOOOh Renee...You continue to mentor my spirit... teaching me to focus deeply on the "moments" which are so dear...you have given me a personal treasure...:)

Woman in a Window said...

I am struck, time and time again, by how true this is for you, the perfect moments and the imperfect days. Renee, you see each one of those moments though. You see them. How incredible is that!

YOU are what should be taught to our children. YOU.

erin (but you made me smile so freaken large in my chest I think my bra sprung a wire!)

Diva Kreszl said...

heads up I've given you an award...check out my blog!

Dede said...

You are so right Renee, there are no perfect days, only perfect moments. If we had perfect days, would we enjoy those wonderful perfect moments as much as we do? They always seem to come just at the right time too. Sure hope your mama gets to come home soon. COPD is no fun.


Caio Fernandes said...

sure i am sorry and just wish the best .
you ewre so intence on this . i am really touched .

mermaid said...

And that is all we can ever ask for. Perfect moments. I will have to say that I applaude your attempt to come up to bat a thousand times.

Barbara said...

But dear Renee, I think you may have mastered the skill of being in the moment. (Something we all should strive for) Because with all of this, you can still splish-splash down the street with wonder and happiness, no matter what's coming around the next bend in the road. Thank God for that and for families who love us.

I so hope your mom feels better. So scary those breathing problems. Take care, my dear, Renee.

soulbrush said...

your poor mom, and poor you. but through it all your strength shines out to us all. xxxxxxx

Isabel said...

After all you have been going through, it is not surprising you feel that way. But what I also know is your still have your grace and strength, you share it with us, and you do know how precious moments are.

And I am honored to know such a woman!!!!!



Maggie's garden said...

My heart goes out to you Renee.

"Most people treat the present moment as if it were an obstacle that they need to overcome. Since the present moment is life itself, it is an insane way to live. I choose the moment"~~Eckhardt Tolle

What a wonderful way you have chosen to live in each moment with all that you have going on. You are amazing.
love to you,

zoe said...

i'm sending you a perfect day...
and some hugs....

BT said...

I am often at a loss to know what to say Renee. Perfecto moments, yes. I'm sure you cherish them. My daughter has that nasty lung thing too. I hope your Mum gets well soon and send you a big cyber smacker. xxx

Angela Recada said...

You break my heart, dear friend. I hope your mother is doing better today.

Love and hugs,

Elizabeth said...

I'm so sorry to hear of this. I will think of you, as always, and send send my good intentions and prayers your way. Love to you, Renee.

A Spoonful Of Sugar said...

Hope your Mom is feeling brighter soon! Here's to perfect moments...

Enzie Shahmiri said...

I am new to your blog and enjoyed reading your reflections. Living in the moment and making the best out of it has helped me through a lot of things and it looks like it has helped you as well. Wishing you the best,