Tuesday, 17 March 2009

Vegas


















So my sister Mickey has been tossing around that she wants to go somewhere with me. I’m game and keep telling her yeah, let’s do it.

I tell her that I have a bunch of stipulations which are:

~ I have to find out when my CT scan and bone scans are.

~ Need to know Doctor’s appointment for results.

~ Angelique is a teacher so I won’t go during spring break because she will be off and that means more time for me to spend with Josephine.

~ Will not be gone on the 28th which is my birthday; because that I will spend with Wahid and the kids.

~ Cannot go at Easter because of the same reason listed above.

~ I need a direct flight and do not want any stop-over.

She is okay with all stipulations, just wants to get away and have some fun with me. Asks me when my tests are and I tell her that I will check into it. I do and the tests are not until April, but I am not sure when yet.

I tell her that now is the best time to go because the tests aren’t till April and the test results may change everything if I am not stable, and if that happens then I wouldn’t go, because who knows what shit I would have on my plate to deal with then.

She calls my bluff and says she will be over Thursday and we will get it all organized. Yippee yahoo, I say. We decide we will go to Vegas.

Jacquie, another sister, hears of the plan so states that she is hitching her star with ours and is coming along.

Since it is no longer just Mickey and I, I also mention it to Suzie, another sister. She is non-committal.

I then ask Shelly, another sister, if she wants to go, but she is unable to because of work commitments.

I am going to ask Colette and Camille, yes other sisters, after I find out what dates we would be going, then I will phone my childhood friends Heidi and Shirley and see if they want to come too.

I really need to take a second here to figure out exactly how to best describe the following scene to you.

I am crying because I just find out about a little baby who is not even a year old who died of Stage 4 cancer. I see pictures of the little girl on her parent’s blog and I am devastated. They also talk about the death of a 14 year old boy that had cancer as well. I am sick about it. I am also sick about how they talk that Jesus had a plan and that the baby is with Jesus now.

Am I the only person left on the face of the earth that does not believe that Jesus or God had anything to do with this? That if Jesus or God had a plan and that it was for a baby to physically suffer and the parents to mentally suffer well then I would love to know what it is. If you feel the need to tell me that it is a mystery; well don’t bother. Keep the thought and choke on it.

Anyway, back to my story.

I’m crying and I hear Mickey come in. I wipe the tears and go see her. If she noticed that I was crying she didn’t say anything. Jacquie arrives about ten minutes later.

We are tossing the words ‘so fun, exciting, shows, entertainment, a good laugh, old Vegas, Grand Canyon, car rental, suitcases, road trips, hotel, slots, malls, etc.’

Mickey is sitting at the dining room table, Jacquie is sitting on the couch, Nathan is home from school for lunch, and I’m making tea in the kitchen.

Mickey is busy on the phone talking to Air Miles, I am now looking at papers at the table, and Jacquie and Nathan are talking in the living room. Mickey tells the person on the phone that she will look at different dates of flights and will call back.

Nathan leaves to go back to teach his science experiment at school. Mickey and I go upstairs to the computer room and look at various times the flights would go direct, as I only want a direct flight. We find direct flights leaving Winnipeg at the rate of about three a week.

We go back to the dining room and Jacquie comes and sits with us.

We discuss the flights and all decide that Monday, yesterday, the 16th of March would work out perfectly. Mickey calls and is giving all the details to the lady as we are all able to get on that flight.

My stomach is in knots, my mind is in circles, and I can’t go because I’m going to die soon; so no I don’t want to go. I’m afraid to go. I can’t go. I’m not going.

Mickey is on the phone talking about insurance, I can’t get any because I have a pre-existing condition. She doesn’t think we need insurance anyway.

Don’t be so retarded and fucked up, of course you can go. It is only a three hour plane ride for Christ’s sake. It isn’t the flying anymore, I don’t feel afraid of that.

I smile at Jacquie and we talk about suitcases.

I can hear Mickey getting ready to make the final booking.

I panic and say, you haven’t booked it yet have you? It isn’t booked yet is it? Mickey, put the lady on hold, it isn’t booked is it? She says ‘No, should I phone her back?’ Yes, phone her back.

Phew. That was a close call.

I tell Mickey and Jacquie that I don’t think I can go now. I am blubbering like a fucking blubbering blubberer.

Because I don’t know what the next month will bring, I am terrified to make plans. I need to sit right here and not move. I need to sit right here and gear myself up for the next weeks. I cannot leave my safe and known environment. I cannot!

I know that rationally if I went I would have fun, but not real fun because I feel that I would be walking hand in hand with the monster from under my bed. He has been riding me and dry humping me lately so I don’t want to go on a wonderful holiday where he won’t leave my side. As it is, my upper thighs are sore.

I tell Mickey and Jacquie, while crying and blowing my nose for over two hours that I just can’t go and I tell them it all in a million ways. I mention numerous times that I would feel like I had a gun to my head the whole time.

I see the compassion for me in their eyes and I cry more because I have become such a spineless slug. I am pitied now and I never was before.

They both understand of course and try to make me feel better and not like the worlds’ biggest loser. In the end they succeed.

I want them to go anyway but they will not hear of it. Mickey says that the whole purpose is to be with me, and I know that because we have discussed it too many times to count.

I decide that I can go, but not when the monster under the bed comes with me. I tell them that if I am stable after going to the doctor then I will be on a high and then I will go and want to do all the things we planned.

Having cancer hang over your head all the time especially when it comes to test/result times is one fucking motherfucker.

I was seriously a total basket case and had completely lost my marbles.

And the beat goes on......

59 comments:

Sarah said...

Oh Renee - huge hugs!! I love you - Sarah

Faith said...

{{{Renee}}}

I love you for this post. xoxo

Love Faith

Shelly said...

The way you have articulated your feelings reads loud and clear – it is totally understandable and makes perfect sense to feel this way – the wonder of it all is that amidst this emotional vortex you found your voice to say “I just can’t go”.

I admire your strength to realize yesterday would not have been the time to go, but a tomorrow in April or May will be perfect.

I love you xoxo

linda cardina said...

oh renee, u are in my every thought and prayer...
i so feel for u as i have 2 sisters battling breast cancer right now... (((((hugs)))))) to u.

Anonymous said...

Pudd

Vegas will always be there when you are ready. Remember, there is plenty of fun, gambling and over-eating to be had in the peg too!

FYI - I am pissed I did not get an invite and will try and tag along next time- heehee!

Nadia

Renee said...

Nadalene for you there is never an invitation required.

xoxoxo

Love Mom

Julie said...

Oh Renee, you'll always have Vegas! Hey, let me know when you end up going so I can greet you at the airport.

And I am emphatically raising my hand, yelling "me! me! me!" to answer your question on who else thinks God has nothing to do with babies dying of cancer. It makes my blood boil when people look at babies dying of starvation in Africa and they have the balls to say "It's all God's plan, God loves the children, blah blah blah." So blind.

Ces said...

Aren't sisters great? I have five sisters and we laugh so much when we are together.

God and Jesus have nothing to do with diseases but when people are desperate and have nothing left to hold on to, can't find a rational explanation for all the tragedy, it's comforting to lean on your Maker.

Oh Renee, I don't know what to say about your story other than I am being selfish and I want to keep you longer. I just found you!

Mad Texter said...

Heavenstomergatroy! Snagglepuss, here. That story was a journey in itself, a journey with luggage, eveeennn. A fantabulous story!

I think you should skip the plane, find an old convertible, tell your sisters to be at the ready for a last-minute departure, grab your headscarves and heels and burn rubber West, my friend.

-Madtexter

Tessa said...

C'here girl, let me give you a big bear hug. You are such a brave one, you know, and, yes, it will be better to take a break after the results. You are clinging on right now and to let go would make you feel like you're drowning. So hold tight - we are right here with you.

PS When you do go to Vegas with all your sisters later on, put a chip on the red for me, okay?)

PPS I think Buddha might be a bit gentler than Jesus....or maybe that's just me?

Poetic Dreams said...

Ya know it's not easy to make decisions when ya health plays a part.

I know when my Mamma was dying of Cancer, she said she felt she needed to make memories with us. Something for us to hold onto when she finally left us.

I can understand the fear monster because of the unknown. I believe ya should go and enjoy being with those ya love. Take pictures,laugh,sing, scream, cry but most of all BE YASELF! Make no apolgies for the emotions ya going through hun.

Ya have control over how ya gonna deal with what ya going through. NO ONE can dictate how ya should feel hun.
I went through my Cancer when I was 26. I had three babes at the time, I was a roller coaster of emotions. I did what I had to do to make it through.
I applaude ya for sharing ya feelings hun.

Once ya are on ya trip ya'll have a wonderful time. It's taking that first step hun.

Biggest Hugs~

Ronnie said...

Man this sucks big time. I would have to be one wise chick to assume what you go through.
The worst physical ailments I've had to endure were an injury from a bike fall and several bouts of flu. I KNEW I would heal.
People with cancer can HOPE they do...do everything to beat the odds so they do.
I'm guessing, from all I've read on your blog, that the very BEST times are just after tests, when you've been given that wondrous green light. That very moment is golden to you.
How long does this feeling last? Is it weeks, months? Is it until you have a bad day and you begin again to be reminded you are a cancer victim? I can't imagine, just trying to think things through to try and help you and hoping I don't make it worse.
This worn out line comes to mind, which I've always thought was great advice, but HARD as HELL to follow:
Love each day to the fullest. Love each days as if it were your last.
Look at what I just typed. I typed the word Love instead of Live. I wasn't even aware I'd done it.
Anyway, at times like this i wish I was way smarter and wiser. Love you much, Renee.
PS You asked about my sis. She is fine after a surgery, and thankfully, will be fully recovered in a few weeks. You are one really lucky girl to have such a great family and sisters too!

glorv1 said...

Stay strong Renee. Take care.

glorv1 said...

And you are in my thoughts.

lakeviewer said...

I read the whole thing without breathing. I have been so self-centered when I've spoken with you. Of course, you have been F...big time, over and over until everything aches. You face the monster every minute; we, in blogland, can see its shadow and pretend we can distract you anyhow.

Renee, you're a sober, clear-headed generous and strong person. Right now, you need to think of what can be fun and pleasurable, for now, for this day. Your family is there for you. Let them give you what they can.

Love and kisses. And Happy Birthday.


When you are looking back at this time, I hope you have a chance to meet a lot of us who are rooting for you, in our own way. Some with prayers, some with jokes, some with explicatives.

Take the flowers, smell the roses and eat the chocolates.

Audrey said...

Dear dear Renee...I know that feeling! We want to move, yet we are immobolized. We want to have fun, yet we are frozen. We want to be "normal" yet we are not. No shame in any of it.
As Nadia said, Vegas will always be there. Go when the time is right FOR YOU.
I am so happy you have a loving,understanding family. And I am so sad that you are worrying about scans and tests. It is an anxiety like no other, I know.
Biggest hugs and much love to you.
xoxoxo

Kelly Kilmer said...

love and hugs

Ces said...

Hey! We don't know each other but we love each other, at least I do. What else is there left for me to do with a lovely woman who is saying her goodbyes? Blogging is bizarre. I feel so close to someone whose hands I have not touched.

La Donna Welter said...

Sending you a big, warm hug.

natalie said...

if i could, i'd give that monster a hell of a beating, and kick him to the curb forever.

i have much hope that april will bring positive results.

love,
natalie renee
xoxxoxo

Debra said...

While I believe in God and the power of prayer, like you I do not believe a loving and merciful God is responsible for suffering. I understand it is more about the parents and their need to rationalize such a horrific loss. Perhaps it relieves any guilt or questions they may have in their minds to relinquish what happened to their idea that Jesus somehow "took" their child?
For now they may be okay but there may come a time when they blame him too. It is a double edge sword.
As for you my dear, go.... take the trip enjoy your children. If not for you then for them! When we learned my father was dying we made a spontaneous trip to his home town. We visited his family and friends, laughed looked photos, and created a lot of memories. My father has been gone now 15 years and these are the most vivid memories I have and I cherish them.
We cannot know when or if we will die, you are alive now, get out there and enjoy it!!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh Renee, I am amazed at your candor. You describe your feelings so well. I understand totally the feelings from being the sister. I feel like a sister to you. I send big hugs and prayers. I pray for you every day at Mass. And I am sure as I can be that God doesn't have a hand in all this suffering except to hold it when we need Him
Love, Barb

Dawn said...

Renee I love you you know. And I can feel your fear and hear your trepidation in your words. So now wasn't the time to go, but you will go and have a blast when you do.
How great to have such wonderful supporting sisters, mine are scattered to the winds so no sisterly chats for me... so treasure those wonderful sisters you have.

How sad about the little baby... I know what you mean about God and Jesus having a plan... joke! he doesn't have plans for murderers and rapists who go on to live long lives...sickening!
Anyway you blubber and blubber as much as you want - you are so brave and hey whats a bit of blubbering between sisters....

I would love to be a fly on the wall when you go to Vegas.. don't get drunk and do a Britney and end up marrying some dude you hear lol

big hugs, my day is not complete without thinking of you and sending you LOVE
Take care GF

XXXXX

BT said...

Phew, that was one roller coaster of a blog post Renee. Don't go, silly girl, if you don't feel up to it. I can understand your reasoning but hope you feel able when you get your test results.

Love and squashy ~hugs~
Gina
x

CarolineH said...

I love you, Renee. How I wish I could make things all better. hugssssssss
Caroline

Every Photo Tells A Story said...

Aw, Renee, I'm really speechless right now. Though I can't relate with having cancer, I can still feel your pain and frustration and anger. I know it's not really and truly about "Vegas" that is breaking your heart right now.

And, I'm a big believer of letting your emotions out. I think it heals as long as you don't hurt yourself or someone ele in the process. I wish we lived in the same town, I would come over and we could pound pillows together or get plastic bats and go crazy on the sofa:)

Just know that you have lots and lots of people who care about you!

xoxoxoxoxoxox
Love ya,
Nancy

Meghann said...

I can't even imagine what you go through, but I know that I would feel the same way as you did - not wanting to go with the disease ready to jump out and ruin your happy moments. I pray that your tests will be better than you hope so that you can have a REALLY great time :)
....And if they don't come back fine, then F*@$ it and go anyway - stick your middle fingers at the monster, make funny faces at it, blow raspberries at it, and tell it you are going to have fun, DAMMIT, because you WANT to and you are ALLOWED after all the S%!^ you have had to go through.
Many hugs to you :)

flossy-p said...

You, my friend, are going to have a wonderful time in Vegas!

You've come this far, April/May you'll go even further.

Big hugs for your sore heart and your tired soul. Big smiles for your tenacity and determination.

Love .xxxx.

Anonymous said...

My dear friend Renee, I love your blog today as always, I so get it!
Love Sally
XOXOXO

Ces said...

I am blaming you! I am on vacation and I can't get off the pc because I am anxious to read what you and Bella have to say!

angelique said...

I was wondering when you were going. Hopefully you will be planning that trip sometime in May. It would be a blast. As for the effer under your bed, maybe we could leave him at the nearest fire hydrant or with the closest stuffed animal. Let it go to town with that. I think that you used to suggest biting off the prick when faced with something like that. I hate the 3 week eve of test time. It is a bitch. We will survive and make it through. We have to.

Caroline said...

Renee, having been through the BC mill myself, I've been very moved by your post and all the supportive comments. Being able to 'voice' your fears like this is pretty amazing - and I sincerely hope, cathartic for you.
Caroline

studio lolo said...

What happens in Winnipeg, stays in Winnipeg unless you want to share it.

Okay, so do I think you're a coward for not going? Absolutely NOT! Because I know that whatever happens you want to be with Wahid and the kids. That means if a good day happens or a bad day happens or good test results or bad test results or diarrhea or vomiting or crying jags or stale Cracker Jacks with a lousy fucking prize...you want to be home. Home Renee and that's okay. That doesn't make you a loser or a crybaby, that makes you a strong woman who can tell everyone what she needs with NO apologies. And it looks to me like they all love you and want nothing more than to honor your wishes.
Besides, you're already gambling with cancer. The stakes are high enough, don't you think?
My money's on you though, my dear.
Every penny ;)

love you Miss Winnipeg!

Renee said...

Barb thank you so much for your prayers. I believe the same as you and that he is always holding my hand.

Love you sister of the heart.

Renee

Bella Sinclair said...

Lovely, dear, beautiful Renee. Making all these plans and hoping that your words will give you the strength to go through with them, and then realizing that you'd rather be at home where it's safe is completely understandable and natural. You can only deal with so much stress at one time, and travel -- even if it is meant to be a fun one with your sisters -- is stress. Lord knows you already have your plate full. Smiling when your heart is breaking, tasting what it was like to be carefree, wondering if this will be your last hurrah...it can feel so cruel.

Who needs Vegas, that's what I say. Didn't you hear? What happens in Winnipeg, stays in Winnipeg. That's the newest thing. You don't need all the bells and ring-a-ding-dings and lights to make magic. I firmly believe some of the best, most memorable and loving moments can happen anywhere, even at home. You are loved. I love you. If I could stretch my arms all the way across the ocean, I would wrap them around you a hundred times until you choked and begged me to stop.

I recently read that happier, optimistic people live longer. So that's my job, to keep you happy. And if I can make you laugh every once in a while, then bonus on me. You, me, Ces, Bjornik, and Linda. We'll make vegas right here on your blog.

Ces said...

RRRRRing! Ring! Ring!

I am calling :)

lakeviewer said...

Hi REnee,
I wanted to be the first and the last today, but I'll settle for whatever. This is about your welfare, and nobody else's.

I hope you went to the comforters' web site and listened to the song Reasons, the one I picked for you. I know that I should figure out how to transfer this to your site, and in the near future, I will take up that challenge. In the meantime, I am working on an award from me, Lakeviewer to blogs I find noteworthy. You'll be the first one to receive the award on your site, in time for your birthday at the end of the month. The artist that is working on the graphic will have to hurry.

I will be coming back to give details. REasons is one of my favorite songs from that album because I know how and when and why it was written. "One life, won't do..." is a phrase I would grab and keep close to my heart when I think about you.

Love.

I hope the snow is melting and spring peeks through with colors and verdant dreams. And may April bring fresh showers and new flowers.

Have a good night, and sweet dreams.

Renee said...

Angelique I am laughing my fucking head off. You are so funny, when I read what I use to suggest, oh my God thanks for the laugh.

Love Mom xoxoxo

Anonymous said...

Renee I would tie it, tie it and tie it again around and around that fire hydrant that Angelique spoke of tonight that it would never get loose as to stangulate it!
XOXOXO

Meghann said...

I'm doing okay...I can't really complain, considering what I could be dealing with. I have a screw in my knee that is maybe coming loose, causing pain, but I'm going to get some x-rays and see what needs to be done. I am praying for you every day and I hope you can go on your trip and stick two fingers to the monster :)
Hugs to you my dear and many positive thoughts!

Meghann said...

Oh Renee you are a darling - you are one of the few people who more than understands...I'm not going to complain as you are dealing with more than I could ever imagine, but I thank you for being so wonderfully open about what you are going through - you are a true hero for everyone who is lucky/smart enough to come across your blog
Many hugs to you! (and kick that monster's @ss!)
Siochan Leat - Gaelic for 'Peace Be With You'

Meghann said...

Oh my gosh I thought I wrote kick! I meant kick! not lick!! Sorry about the tea!

kj said...

well, i've taken my time reading your post and every comment. i am new here and i can see your energy and honesty brings out the best in everyone else. i'd like to add just a couple of thoughts, renee:

first, you are a fine writer. this post-story of yours would benefit so many people. i encourage you to consider publishing it. there is a story a fellow writer of mine wrote about her pain-in-the-ass cancer that i may send you sometime. she won a major writing contest in glamour magazine for it.

second, i know you already know that all we have is the present. the future does not exist until it becomes the present. so in real life, in real time, you are alive and vibrant and loving and deep and tender and spunky and you are the real deal. who's to say what will or will not happen? miracles happen, i might get flattened by a mack truck. you'll go to vegas, or stay with your family, maybe any number of ways you will live in the world and give and share love, but right now: here you are. and me too.
p.s. lolo told me you are a special woman and i know it's true. keep writing, girl. :)

Julie-ann said...

My darling Renee, how gutted and heart sunken I feel reading this post! How awful this whole cancer is hurting you. I don't believe it is Gods purpose either. Like some sickened beast that destroys. The great strong feelings of being at home and the fear of your journey away on holiday.
I was organizing your birthday gift yesterday and I had experience that I had done this before and seen it. I only have these little snippets when something in my life is so important to me. You are, so very important, not just to me, too everyone on this entire earth. Sending you so much love where ever you are. Maybe your family could make a fantasy holiday in your garden, is it warm yet where you live? All my love and big hugs!

Rebecca Ramsey said...

Renee, I love you and hate this is happening.
I can't stand it when people talk about illnesses and suffering being part of God's plan. I have to walk away.
Do only what you want to do.
I'm sending a big hug your way.

Great-Granny Grandma said...

Praying that you'll get a good report and be off to make some beautiful memories with your sisters. By the way, how many do you have?
P.S. I do understand your wanting to be home with Wahid right now though.
(((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))))

Mickey said...

That monster does need to have the life kicked out of it and tied to a fire hydrant where it can not escape and harrass wonderful people. I am praying for good results in April. You are so amazing and I love you.

I also do not believe that Jesus has anything to do with children dying and leaving there family. I always think that it is good for people to have faith at a time when they loose a child so they can draw some comfort that God is with there precious child and taking good care of her or him for them til they meet again on that day beyond days....

Daria said...

Renee,

I had to sleep on this one ... I have a lot of similar feelings that you have ... regarding traveling.

It's like a whole bunch of confidence has been sucked right out of you ...

How about a vacation not so overwhelming as Vegas?

Anyways, you know best ... and thanks for sharing those feelings.

Daria

A Spoonful Of Sugar said...

I apprecaite all the wonderful comments you leave me! You are lucky to have such grat sisters and a loving family. You will enjoy your trip when the time is right!

oneartistjournal said...

So great to have sisters and brothers in abundance..so much traveling between you..I find blogging a great way to travel too..I just traveled all the way from southern California to Canada..to visit you..didn't I?
LOVE..

linda cardina said...

awe! i just read what bella wrote and i agree!!!! lets do vegas right here in blogland! invite your sister to join also..okay?!

i have to tell u. i spent so much time on your blog the last couple days and i have to say i am falling in love with U!!! heck with bella! she's okay..but U R D BOMB!!! just kidn bella..U D BOMB 2! :D seriously renee, i can't get u off my mind. u are one amazing girl. stay strong my new sweet sweet friend and i will be praying always for u. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))linda

Michelle said...

The only thing you need to be doing is EXACTLY what you want to.

No more, no less.

Love to you my friend of the heart

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Björnik said...

I'm already here Bella! Hello, are you ladies still here? Thought we're going to make this blog Vegas? I guess I'm already late.

I was a bit excited about seeing models dancing to the tune Frank's New York New York! Is Nevada in New York?haha

Hello my dear Renee, as I went through reading this post, I was keeping my fingers crossed that you'd eventually go and have fun. The fact that your sisters want to spend time with you means a lot already. And you need not go anywhere to know that, in fact it just happened there in your very room where they listen to you weep about not going. I guess what you're feeling right now is you don't want to be a burden to them, which is definitely not the case. And please if it's not too much to ask, stop reading those kind of stories, will you? I think they slow you down.

Anyway, you better start spreading the news... we're leaving today..

Much love,

Björnik

A Palmer said...

Wow, you really hit a chord with many women on this. Renee, all I can say is believe in your healing, push forward, don't let this stupid cancer control you. Throw away the fear it's pressuring you with and go - have fun. Put it away for a weekend, laugh, enjoy the craziness of the city and allow yourself to breathe. Deep breaths. Deep love of the life you are still living. Make every moment count. Big hugs for you.

kathy hare said...

hugs and kisses Renee... it's ok to lose the plot from time to time, who wouldn't when facing their own mortality.. xxxxxxxxxx

nollyposh said...

(((hugz)))

Emerald Arts said...

Maybe you need to arrange for a holiday somewhere a little less stressful... or it could just be that I found Vegas stressful cos of all the flashing lights and clouds. Maybe there's a nice cottage you could all hire somewhere where you could spend the days drawing trees and flowers then the nights drinking and gossiping? hehe that's my ideal weekend away anyway ;)

You're not made for getting upset, but I'm sure you know that, just keep swimming :)

Kate James said...

I discovered your blog today after seeing your comment on One Little Acorn and I particularly love this post.

You are a beautiful writer and you seem to so easily express the complexity in the way we think...not just you, all of us. I'm inspired by your frank and eloquent writing style - and your courage.

I hope you have a wonderful birthday on the 28th.

lawatha said...

In case I'm my usual forgetful self and forget to come back to wish you a Happy Birthday next week... Happy Birthday, Renee! *Big Hug*

I never quite understood the whole "it's God's will", "it's God's plan" type comments- A loving, caring, compassionate God would never will a child to suffer- I think that's just a coping mechanism some people use- it's the only thing that makes any sense to them at all. That poor sweet baby, and the parents dealing with their loss... I can only imagine how they must be feeling. So sad...

Your writing captured my heart as usual. I thought for a minute you were really going to Vegas- and was hoping you had had a wonderful time. I'm sorry the monster under the bed couldn't leave you alone long enough to let you go and enjoy the trip with your sisters. (Your comment about him dryhumping you would have been hysterical if I didn't hate him so much- that bastard!) Maybe you'll feel more like going after your next tests?

I was supposed to go to Vegas the first weekend in April, but plans have changed, we're going to VA to help our son and DIL move into their new home, and I've volunteered to paint their home for them. Would have been great to be in Vegas the same time as you, and have the good fortune to run in to the beautiful, witty, Renee.

Have a good pre-birthday week!