Tuesday, 17 March 2009
So my sister Mickey has been tossing around that she wants to go somewhere with me. I’m game and keep telling her yeah, let’s do it.
I tell her that I have a bunch of stipulations which are:
~ I have to find out when my CT scan and bone scans are.
~ Need to know Doctor’s appointment for results.
~ Angelique is a teacher so I won’t go during spring break because she will be off and that means more time for me to spend with Josephine.
~ Will not be gone on the 28th which is my birthday; because that I will spend with Wahid and the kids.
~ Cannot go at Easter because of the same reason listed above.
~ I need a direct flight and do not want any stop-over.
She is okay with all stipulations, just wants to get away and have some fun with me. Asks me when my tests are and I tell her that I will check into it. I do and the tests are not until April, but I am not sure when yet.
I tell her that now is the best time to go because the tests aren’t till April and the test results may change everything if I am not stable, and if that happens then I wouldn’t go, because who knows what shit I would have on my plate to deal with then.
She calls my bluff and says she will be over Thursday and we will get it all organized. Yippee yahoo, I say. We decide we will go to Vegas.
Jacquie, another sister, hears of the plan so states that she is hitching her star with ours and is coming along.
Since it is no longer just Mickey and I, I also mention it to Suzie, another sister. She is non-committal.
I then ask Shelly, another sister, if she wants to go, but she is unable to because of work commitments.
I am going to ask Colette and Camille, yes other sisters, after I find out what dates we would be going, then I will phone my childhood friends Heidi and Shirley and see if they want to come too.
I really need to take a second here to figure out exactly how to best describe the following scene to you.
I am crying because I just find out about a little baby who is not even a year old who died of Stage 4 cancer. I see pictures of the little girl on her parent’s blog and I am devastated. They also talk about the death of a 14 year old boy that had cancer as well. I am sick about it. I am also sick about how they talk that Jesus had a plan and that the baby is with Jesus now.
Am I the only person left on the face of the earth that does not believe that Jesus or God had anything to do with this? That if Jesus or God had a plan and that it was for a baby to physically suffer and the parents to mentally suffer well then I would love to know what it is. If you feel the need to tell me that it is a mystery; well don’t bother. Keep the thought and choke on it.
Anyway, back to my story.
I’m crying and I hear Mickey come in. I wipe the tears and go see her. If she noticed that I was crying she didn’t say anything. Jacquie arrives about ten minutes later.
We are tossing the words ‘so fun, exciting, shows, entertainment, a good laugh, old Vegas, Grand Canyon, car rental, suitcases, road trips, hotel, slots, malls, etc.’
Mickey is sitting at the dining room table, Jacquie is sitting on the couch, Nathan is home from school for lunch, and I’m making tea in the kitchen.
Mickey is busy on the phone talking to Air Miles, I am now looking at papers at the table, and Jacquie and Nathan are talking in the living room. Mickey tells the person on the phone that she will look at different dates of flights and will call back.
Nathan leaves to go back to teach his science experiment at school. Mickey and I go upstairs to the computer room and look at various times the flights would go direct, as I only want a direct flight. We find direct flights leaving Winnipeg at the rate of about three a week.
We go back to the dining room and Jacquie comes and sits with us.
We discuss the flights and all decide that Monday, yesterday, the 16th of March would work out perfectly. Mickey calls and is giving all the details to the lady as we are all able to get on that flight.
My stomach is in knots, my mind is in circles, and I can’t go because I’m going to die soon; so no I don’t want to go. I’m afraid to go. I can’t go. I’m not going.
Mickey is on the phone talking about insurance, I can’t get any because I have a pre-existing condition. She doesn’t think we need insurance anyway.
Don’t be so retarded and fucked up, of course you can go. It is only a three hour plane ride for Christ’s sake. It isn’t the flying anymore, I don’t feel afraid of that.
I smile at Jacquie and we talk about suitcases.
I can hear Mickey getting ready to make the final booking.
I panic and say, you haven’t booked it yet have you? It isn’t booked yet is it? Mickey, put the lady on hold, it isn’t booked is it? She says ‘No, should I phone her back?’ Yes, phone her back.
Phew. That was a close call.
I tell Mickey and Jacquie that I don’t think I can go now. I am blubbering like a fucking blubbering blubberer.
Because I don’t know what the next month will bring, I am terrified to make plans. I need to sit right here and not move. I need to sit right here and gear myself up for the next weeks. I cannot leave my safe and known environment. I cannot!
I know that rationally if I went I would have fun, but not real fun because I feel that I would be walking hand in hand with the monster from under my bed. He has been riding me and dry humping me lately so I don’t want to go on a wonderful holiday where he won’t leave my side. As it is, my upper thighs are sore.
I tell Mickey and Jacquie, while crying and blowing my nose for over two hours that I just can’t go and I tell them it all in a million ways. I mention numerous times that I would feel like I had a gun to my head the whole time.
I see the compassion for me in their eyes and I cry more because I have become such a spineless slug. I am pitied now and I never was before.
They both understand of course and try to make me feel better and not like the worlds’ biggest loser. In the end they succeed.
I want them to go anyway but they will not hear of it. Mickey says that the whole purpose is to be with me, and I know that because we have discussed it too many times to count.
I decide that I can go, but not when the monster under the bed comes with me. I tell them that if I am stable after going to the doctor then I will be on a high and then I will go and want to do all the things we planned.
Having cancer hang over your head all the time especially when it comes to test/result times is one fucking motherfucker.
I was seriously a total basket case and had completely lost my marbles.
And the beat goes on......